AL, you have just had the rug pulled from beneath you, without any warning.  While you have been dealing with this since October, that amount of time is a drop in the bucket when it comes to the undoing of an M.  And, add to that the emotions that keep swirling.  It is difficult to get a grasp on anything because nothing is stable and nothing is settled.  Grief is no linear.  It ebbs and flows, just like every other emotion.

As far as everyone telling you it is HIS D,  well, of course he started it, but that does not mean he's the only one who can finish it, unless that is what you want for yourself.

Update: ok so he's still here and has been, for the most part, on good behavior - pitching in, trying hard with kids, in a good mood etc. I have been on a knife's edge if I'm honest, but there have been genuine, warm moments between us too, which felt good. It was like remembering an old friend I loved but who is no longer in my life.
Hope is a funny thing. For some people they struggle to find it - for me, I struggle with the opposite. An eternal optimist, I struggle to let it go. It's not just about my H, it was about my father, it has been about lots of things I wanted in my life. I never give up on people.
His affair is ongoing and it's clear he is now looking ahead at his new life. We had guests over for a long planned BBQ on Sunday - a family we barely know - and the entire conversation turned to when our babies were little. And my H and I reminisced along with them, they were happy days and we were really united as parents - and it was incredbily painful. It felt so fraudulent too, us sitting there you would never, ever have guessed we had problems, let alone were planning a divorce. It hurt me but he seemed unaffected. He was slightly cold to me after - did not look me in the eye when he said goodnight, so maybe it got to him a tiny bit.
Today he told me I was welcome to tell his mom the truth - she had messaged me to see if I was ok - and so I did. Another way he is chickening out but to be honest, i wanted to. I can't write back 'all good here! all ok!" bc again, I can't do that. I did not reply to hers tho, I am not starting any dialogue or conversation. It was just a factual update as I will be seeing her in person in a few weeks and can't communicate nicely without google translate either.
People in this group have told me DO NOT BRING UP DIVORCE - it is HIS divorce etc etc. And yet I am gunning for it. I have really asked myself why I can't just let this play out and 'see who he picks' but the thing is, I can't live with myself. I can't live with myself if I accept this. I'm not judging anyone who does, everyone has to make their own call on this kind of thing - but knowing that there is one person in particular he loves and it's not me, one person he shares his day with and it's not me, one person he sleeps with and it's not me etc etc. and I am officially his 'wife' makes my heart want to stop.
I know a divorce decree won't take away this pain - and it will be even worse bc we have to tell our kids and deal with their emotional fall out - and it will be FINAL - and that will hurt enormously. But the fraudulent nature of this, the constant sting of rejection, watching him disappear to make a phone call, knowing I'm second choice and not what he wants, the state of limbo it feels like this is - it feels the harder cross to bear.
How can I still be this SAD? This has been going on since last October. I thought I was thru some of this pain, this is not new information. What's new is that now, he is sure, he wants it too.

I don't post I read and address wherever I might see abuse happening. In my humble opinion some LBS put up with way too much crap from the Mlcer.
I first posted in 2010.
I've moved on.
Total NC for 11 years.

The whole "waiting for answers" thing can be really nerve wracking, especially for those that have to have everything planned in advance.... I tend to be more flexible and can adapt but not everyone is like that

Just throwing my two cents in here.. I think that at the root of it, the MLC'er got that way through being at some level, avoidant attached and for that reason alone, they are very, very unlikely to take an responsibility in repairing the relationship.

We all more or less agree that these crisis happen through FOO issues ad trauma and our spouses have spent the better parts of their lives avoiding dealing with their pain and issues and we have no reason or expectation to think that it will change in the future. The fact that many of these MLCers end right back up into situations they claim they wanted out of with us is proof enough I think or even the constant replay. They're so used to keeping on a mask, keeping everyone in the dark about their inner issues and when the jig is up, one way or the other, they just move on and continue the charade.

That's literally what happened to me. When my ex and I first got together, I woke up in bed alone to find her sitting in the dark holding a knife to her arm crying. Years later, I realized now I caused her crisis by quiet quitting my marriage. So she began cheating, got pregnant and got herself situated with OM and then she tried to kill herself again. I went an visited her in the crisis center. She was a crying wreck, sorry for everything that had happened, telling me everything was a mistake and that she didn't belong there and then when visiting time was up, she literally shrugged it off, became "normal" and walked back into the center. The transformation was mind-blowing and truly revealing of this kind of "mask" that they can wear. Looking back now, it was obvious, how many times she moved from family member to family member, job to job, boyfriend to boyfriend and so on, as she was exposed for who she was.

That was my situation, but anyway, my advice is is they want to go, let them. You focus on you. Live. Live the life you want to, that you should have, that you've always yearned for.. whatever it is, do it, be it. Don't let regret, fear or shame hold you back or keep you holding on. None of that stopped them from leaving. It shouldn't stop you from living either.