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Our Community / Re: LBS and Material Possessions
« Last post by DianaDeBelflor on Today at 03:34:58 PM »
I should have said so earlier, but I am SO relieved that at least one other LBS reacts this way.  The more LBS's that react, the less I feel irrational.
You know, I have no idea if these feelings are rational? Can feelings ever be rational?

I do think that some of this has to do with controlling our environment when everything else is spinning out of control.

Tell me, if he comes back to you, is anything from his new apartment allowed to come with him?
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Our Community / Re: Cognitive Dissonance
« Last post by Anjae on Today at 03:34:51 PM »
I found this "the state of having inconsistent thoughts, beliefs, or attitudes, especially as relating to behavioural decisions and attitude change."

However, there does not seem to be an explanation of the why of those. I would say that "I want to die" is depression. It is something very common depressed people say.

MLCers cognitive dissonance mostly likely come from their depression and the confusing thoughts and actions that arrive from it.
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Our Community / Re: Feeling really insecure: my story
« Last post by DianaDeBelflor on Today at 03:33:34 PM »
And now I'm going to apologize because the next thing I say will come off harsh. So, I'm sorry. Please, forgive me.

But.

Your uterus and your ring finger do not define you. FULL STOP.

It is fine to want a family. It is fine to want children. But you cannot tie your identity to either of these things.

The only one judging you is you. The only one who thinks you are inadequate is you. There isn't one overarching dream that all women race towards. There are many dreams and those women who do reach theirs sometimes look back and wonder what could have been. You are young, resilient, smart, in shape, independent, and have an opportunity to screw any man you want. I promise you, there is more than one mommy in the neighborhood that wonders what it would be like to have that life.

If children is what you want, then there is no reason why you shouldn't have children. There are other men, there are sperm banks, and there is adoption/fostering. If you want to be a mother then go be a mother. You don't need a husband to have a child and blood does not make family. .

That’s not really the point. The first time we tried to conceive I was 30 years old. I’ m 33 now and I’m still childless. Trust me any friend/colleague that anounced they were pregnant since then has been hard. Specially that one colleague who had her kid when I should have had my first (when I miscarried). I had lots of $h!tety things happen to me over the course of the last three years and add not being able to conceive and getting a h in MLC to that list

And now that every doctor had reassured me getting pregnant was definitely in the cards for me. My h decides he doesn’t want to be with me anymore. And even more friends and colleagues get pregnant. It is really hard.

And I feel stuck because of it. Because I want to stand but can’t keep doing it for years (even if I wanted to). And I want a kid right now and not in 2 years. Heck I’ve already been waiting for three years. Most of my friends and colleagues who got pregnant now didn’t want one back then.

So yeah I take it in consideration with every decision I make. And it makes me worry more than I should. Of course I have a back-up plan if I don’t find someone to get a kid with by the time I say I’m 38. But that is in 5 years and I was ready for a kid now!!! Also try to get back to dating with that in mind. A friend of mine confirmed this. You have to ask way to early if this guy even wants kids and ‘screen’ him as a potential father because there is no time left to waste.

Of course my life isn’t over and I choose to live my life. But it doesn’t mean it is not in the back of my mind every day or with every pregnancy announcement.

And what you say about custody. My husband is commiting adultry in our country that is taken in consideration in custody battles. Of course the thought of having to share my child with OW would make me cringe. But just sharing custody with my h, which is the case now (as OW chooses to stay married for now) wouldn’t bother me one bit. He rarely acts monster. Is still good with his nieces and nephews. And I would be able to either take my stand and wait it out. Without having to worry to pass a certain age or could go back into the dating world without this wish for a child hanging above me. So no I don’t believe I’m better of now. But this is in my specific case. Your theory is definitely true for LBS’s who’s spouse goes through monster phase a lot!
Hon, I understand all that and I said what I said with full understanding that this is probably how you feel. But whether he is a monster or not, if the marriage ends you will not want to see him. You get a chance at a clean break if things go worse than they already have. That's something.

What I'm saying is you cannot dwell on this right now. Gone With the Wind is an awful book, but Scarlet O'Hara had a lot of wisdom at times. Tomorrow is another day. Think of what you cannot bare thinking about right now tomorrow. And if tomorrow it still hurts then put it aside for tomorrow after that.

Find your strength. Hold it close. Don't drive yourself insane. Find silver linings, even the most thin ones.

I am not the best role model right now. So, please Hon, do as I say and not as I do.
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Our Community / Re: He’s having a mlc 2 - Lucky
« Last post by Rosetintedglasses on Today at 03:30:53 PM »
Thanks Help & Clara

I manage to keep the actual OW out of my mind quite well actually but do realise another could be just around the corner. So much so it was BD2 anniversary this month (when I discovered OW) and I forgot about it. I remembered leading up to it and then forgot and realised the day had passed. I had had a lovely day that day so glad I didn’t realise the date!

Rose 🌹
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Our Community / Re: Surviving
« Last post by 20thcenturygirl on Today at 03:11:08 PM »
Quote
Where are the days where I could just freely express whatever I wanted to him and it not be such a nightmare.

It is such an awful feeling isn't it Schratz?  You expressed my thoughts so well in that one sentence! 

What I have been doing is writing the e-mail as a draft, leaving the recipient line blank (in case of drunken moments) and then revisiting it every day and making minor alterations.  I know that the e-mail on something as mundane as university fees and property tax that I will be sending tomorrow is as good and as clear and devoid of emotion as I can possibly be at this time.

I feel Father's Day is a good time to send your message - It is a wonderful idea and I am already typing my own version up as a draft so it will be perfect by the time FD comes around. 
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Our Community / Re: My life is not defined by a live-in MLCer 7
« Last post by 20thcenturygirl on Today at 02:59:24 PM »
Quote
Amusing to see 50-something talking and acting like an 18yr old.  His bald head doesn’t really go with it.’ 

Well that made me laugh!  I know how that feels!  :)
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Our Community / Re: My life is not defined by a live-in MLCer 7
« Last post by Acorn on Today at 02:54:04 PM »
Helping, I just checked the NBA and found out that LeBron scored 27, 12 assists.  Raptors lost to Cavaliers.  I blame LeBron.  I hope Celtics win tonight!

KIT, you mentioned self restraint.  But I’m not flexing any will power muscles at all.  So, I don’t deserve your ‘saint-like’ comment.  It Just happens that not asking or commenting on his MLC words and behaviours has gradually become my natural default position.  This convenient and comfortable(!) position makes me look at and listen to him from a distance and say, ‘Hum...  Amusing to see 50-something talking and acting like an 18yr old.  His bald head doesn’t really go with it.’ 

The fact that he was such a responsible and deep-thinking mature adult pre-MLC (a role model other mothers held up for their misbehaving sons) makes it easy for me to see how nutty this whole MLC situation is.  The contrast also helps me to extend grace toward him.  I know for sure he never wanted to be in this painful emotional turmoil.  It was a force beyond him.  Having this knowledge is helping me stand, too. 
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Our Community / Re: Cognitive Dissonance
« Last post by 20thcenturygirl on Today at 02:38:31 PM »
Anon - my H was (the last time he spoke to me ) very, very clear about feeling ABSOLUTELY NO guilt whatsoever, ever, ever as he is living the dream
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Our Community / Re: Cognitive Dissonance
« Last post by 20thcenturygirl on Today at 02:37:35 PM »
Anon - that is so helpful thank-you.
I will read it now. 

Quote
Most likely the affair came after the 'dying feeling', when the MLCer moves into  Replay (the running stage).  The attraction to a person (who eventually becomes the OW/OM), greatly alleviates the 'dying feeling' making them feel alive again,,, for awhile. 

Does that mean that because the OW/OM relieves the symptoms then they will always remember the LBS causing their feelings of dying and the AP relieving them ?  Or maybe I need to go and read the article!
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Our Community / Re: Cognitive Dissonance
« Last post by Anon on Today at 02:37:01 PM »
I should add that once the affair begins, the MLCer often feels intense guilt and may for a long time.   Guilt because they know what they are doing is very wrong.   So what your spouse is feeling may be guilt.  And guilt may not be unlike a feeling of cognitive dissonance. 

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