Author Topic: MLC Monster Resources: About MLC  (Read 106883 times)

Offline HeartsBlessing

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MLC Monster Re: Resources: About MLC
« Reply #10 on: May 18, 2010, 11:56:36 PM »
3rd Stage of a Mid Life Crisis

REPLAY


Now, Replay can take many forms, from Affairs, to a search for youth, catching up on "lost" time-although you can never "catch up" what you have lost in that time-but they don't know that.

They are still searching for outside sources to blame for their misery, and Replay is a perfect time for a totally stable man to go crazy and start an affair-although the SEEDS for this affair were probably planted while in the Anger stage. They will still try to reconnect with children, or if they were close to their children, distance from them-it is also during this time they become the total "opposite" of what they were, before they entered the tunnel, back in Denial. They undergo a gradual change in the first two stages, going from what they were to the direct opposite during this time. They will do things their husbands/wives never thought they would do.

Besides the affair, they will feel "entitled" to what they take, regardless of who they hurt, or how much of a financial bind they put their families in. Their reasoning becomes "Well, I have taken care of people my whole life, now it's time for ME to have fun."

The emotions, during this time, are in play, in a way they never have been, and they don't understand what's going on, and so they panic and "run"; but the running they do will rock the very foundation of a marriage.

They may drink, take drugs, curse God for what He "has done" to them-have multiple affairs, failing to see what they are doing that's so wrong-still with the attitude of it being "my" time now.

The "bomb" can and will be dropped during this time, shocking the sane spouse who probably has NO idea that anything was wrong, and the problems begin to escalate, as "crying and begging" ensues, and the Mid Lifer turns away, secure in his "reasoning" for his behavior and /or the affair/drinking/drugs/money spent.

Their behavior can disrupt the most settled of families, most especially the affair-the Mid Lifer's reasoning is that he/she thinks they have "missed out" when really, they haven't, and the OW/OM, they can/will get involved with will NOT be what they wanted all along, but they won't see that until they experience an "awakening" that gives them a direction, and starts them along the path to facing their issues; opening the door for the stage of Depression.

As long as the Mid Lifer continues "replay" behaviors they are nowhere near to being ready to start their way out of the tunnel; the "awakening" they have IF they come to it, is a "turning point" to beginning their journey out of the tunnel.

When the "awakening" occurs, they begin to suffer the next stage-Depression, and it is a low point of the Mid Lifer's journey.

The Replay stage is the LONGEST of the stages, and can last up to two years or even longer, depending upon the "replay" behaviors used during this time. 
Our marriage survived His MLC, with the help of the Lord.
I have learned that true strength is built through the trials we endure.
There is hope as long as you love your MLC spouse, and, are willing to learn the  life's lessons that are set before you as a result of this crisis.

Offline HeartsBlessing

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Re: Resources: About MLC
« Reply #11 on: May 18, 2010, 11:58:56 PM »
4th Stage of a Mid Life Crisis

DEPRESSION


Now, we have traveled through the first three stages, and during those stages, the issues that are inside the Mid Lifer have STILL not been looked at.

This is the stage where the Mid Lifer is faced with the issues he/she are beginning to face, and quite frankly, they feel like failures.

Nothing has helped the first three stages-everything they have tried has NOT turned to gold, on the contrary everything has turned to stone, for lack of a better word to describe their running-and now comes the time to begin to face their damage, and this is done inside-because that is what Depression is-anger turned inward.

Their hormones are out of whack, due to physical changes, and that makes them feel worse. Their self-esteem is shot all to pieces, and they feel like failures. They wonder if they will ever be worth anything to anyone. Some are in so much pain, they commit suicide, some get smart and get anti-depressants to help them begin to clear their thinking processes, some suffer in silence, thinking nobody understands them or will understand what they are going through-and so it goes on.

They will be on the verge of tears, most of the time, pacing the floor, losing sleep, afraid of the dark-or maybe what's in it; unable to escape negative thoughts, cutting themselves down in word and action. Extreme guilt may compound this stage, and there is so much pressure, they become forgetful, irritable, want to be left alone, somewhat argumentative, sometimes unresponsive-want to take long drives, sit looking out the window-their silences are long and painful, as they don't want to talk about it preferring instead to think and brood.

You must understand they will come through this or they won't-no one can "make" them come out until they are ready-pestering them only makes them draw inside further, and they need the space to work within themselves, trying to understand some of what has happened; the parts they can face, anyway, besides resolving issues that are inside them, from childhood and/or otherwise. Understand, also, this journey must continue to made alone, no one can "fix" it or "do it for them."

Pieces of the next stage are contained within, and Withdrawal begins to come to the fore as each individual issue is faced-it is a gradual slide from Depression to Withdrawal or both stages can occur together.

The Depression stage can last from around two and a half months to possibly six months, depending upon the severity of the depression they are suffering.
Our marriage survived His MLC, with the help of the Lord.
I have learned that true strength is built through the trials we endure.
There is hope as long as you love your MLC spouse, and, are willing to learn the  life's lessons that are set before you as a result of this crisis.

Offline HeartsBlessing

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Re: Resources: About MLC
« Reply #12 on: May 19, 2010, 12:00:56 AM »
5th Stage of a Mid Life Crisis

WITHDRAWAL


Now, the Mid Lifer has been beginning to face his/her issues while in Depression, and what they've seen has NOT been pretty. They've done so MUCH damage, and don't really know how to "fix" it, and that has made them even MORE depressed.

So, for a time, they conclude that life is not worth much, and so they "drop out" of life or WITHDRAW, hence the stage of Withdrawal.

It is also during this time, they will navigate obstacles and question themselves, somewhat, working their way toward what is called the "final fears" Not much is known about what the final fears contain-I think it is beginning to accept the death of everything they have ever known, including the death of their "old" lives; AND beginning to accept their own mortality without being afraid of it-Depression sets them up for this journey across an open field toward an archway to face these fears. During this time, they will NOT communicate with ANYONE, not even their spouse, as they are drawn so far within, no one can reach them. They MUST be allowed to continue, with NO interruptions, just like before-they will NOT come out until they are READY to come out.

Just like in Depression, they want to left alone, still processing their issues and the damage they have done to their spouse and their lives, and they make several decisions during this time concerning their lives, job, and marriage. But those WON'T be known UNTIL they break Withdrawal and talk to their spouse the first time

They are still secretive, somewhat asserting their privacy, much like a teen-ager, but during this time, they must be gently but firmly led along, and only when the time is right-a wrong word at the wrong time will cause them to "stick" within the tunnel.

You will see some Depression and Anger within them, they are mostly angry at themselves, but will take it out on you, and there are times you will have to be quiet and just leave them alone; letting them work things out, and they usually will, as the answers, such as they are STILL come from within them, not outside sources.

As they begin to come forward, they will begin the journey out of the tunnel-entering the first stage of Acceptance.

Withdrawal can last from three months to one year.
Our marriage survived His MLC, with the help of the Lord.
I have learned that true strength is built through the trials we endure.
There is hope as long as you love your MLC spouse, and, are willing to learn the  life's lessons that are set before you as a result of this crisis.

Offline HeartsBlessing

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Re: Resources: About MLC
« Reply #13 on: May 19, 2010, 12:03:52 AM »
 6th Stage of a Mid Life Crisis

ACCEPTANCE


The Mid Lifer has navigated through five stages of his/her Mid Life crisis by now, and begins into the final stage--Acceptance.

Now, Acceptance is entered in "Stages" Three, to be exact.

Stage ONE involves the disintegration of his/her personality, the "veil" is lifted showing the Mid Lifer EVERYTHING, no holds barred, and he/she realizes for the first time just how much damage has been done to their marriage, lives and spouse. The spouse will be surprised to see "children" surface, as well as "flashes" of the "old" personality, "new" personality, good AND bad personalities. I have described it as similar to schizophrenia, Three faces of Eve, etc.

But, I promise they are NOT crazy, this is what is MEANT to happen, for the Mid Life Crisis extracts a CHANGE, and the disintegration is a part of it, as they are FORCED to look at every facet of their personalities and make some permanent changes. The key to helping them through is to ACCEPT what you see as it comes forth, and don't ridicule or shame them-you will see little kids picking their nose for example--I saw this happen. They will apologize for everything under the sun, and try really hard to make up for the damage; for a little while.

Now during stage TWO of Acceptance, will come the temptations to want to go back to what they came out of. The silence of the spouse is most important during this time-all you can do is be understanding and patient with them as this MUST happen and they MUST come through alone.
They will SEEM to be going backward, but aren't, this is necessary for them to move forward.
It is during this time they will "revisit" ALL stages of the Mid Life Crisis except Denial and shuts the "doors" to each stage PERMANENTLY one by one, never to return.
If they give in to temptation OR get spooked by their final fears, they WILL run BACK into the tunnel a little ways. But they can only run back as far as the doors have NOT been closed permanently; most of the time they just run back as far as WITHDRAWAL, but will continue the process to come out once they feel "safe" to continue. So, they must be allowed to come through WITHOUT interruption, no matter what happens.

Stage THREE involves the "archway" I spoke of in the Stage of Withdrawal-all this time the Mid Lifer has been coming across this open field toward this Archway, where his "final fears" are located and he finally begins to face these fears in full-he may come out of the tunnel and face them BEFORE he/she shuts the door to Depression/Withdrawal or afterwards. But he/she will have to face them, nevertheless, before he exits to begin his/her complete healing process.

It takes awhile for the Mid Lifer to get settled down, even after he/she comes out of stage three of the Acceptance stage-they will experience a final "rebelling" before they settle down for good.

It is much like a teen-ager who has passed into manhood/womanhood-there are still final changes that must be made, especially for the one who has done so much damage during the crisis itself.

But if he/she can settle everything within themselves, their lives should be marked with a sense of peace, instead of the anguish they have known for as long as they were within the crisis. And they will have learned many things concerning life, and will be changed permanently as they will NEVER be the same, ever again.

Not certain on how long it takes to complete, I just know it takes awhile to get things settled once again-possibly 6-9 months or so, and I'm just guessing. 
« Last Edit: May 19, 2010, 12:40:25 AM by HeartsBlessing »
Our marriage survived His MLC, with the help of the Lord.
I have learned that true strength is built through the trials we endure.
There is hope as long as you love your MLC spouse, and, are willing to learn the  life's lessons that are set before you as a result of this crisis.

Offline HeartsBlessing

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Re: Resources: About MLC
« Reply #14 on: May 19, 2010, 12:38:39 AM »
May 19, 2010

My comments on the "Settling Down Process"

One added thing, and this is from experience only:

Once the MLC'er goes into the settling down process, which does come after the stage of Acceptance; the changes finish themselves in a permanent fashion within, one change at a time; but these are good changes.

The crisis itself, literally "burns" something out of them, FORCING them to change within.

If they have allowed this time to work on them, and they learn the lessons of life; they will be better equipped for the latter half of their lives, (as the crisis generally comes during the "middle" of their lives, hence, "MIDLIFE".)
They may also "purge" this process, and the emotional throwing up, so to speak will result in blurred and dim memories given time and healing.

The length of time they spend in this 'setting down process', of course, WILL vary for each person, in that time, a "forgetting" happens..as they heal from the damage, becoming whole once again, they WILL forget what they went through, and that is a NORMAL process to go through.

It does NOT mean they didn't learn anything from the crisis itself, or the mistakes they made, it simply means with time and healing, they WILL forget this time in their lives.

They may NOT ever speak of ALL they experienced within, so if the LBS wants to know anything, the settling down process is the FINAL chance to ask what they want to ask...after this is finished out completely, you can ask, but will get a blank stare of "What are you talking about?" from the MLC'er...the forgetting will be complete.

What I ALSO found, though, was that my husband DID go through MANY changes, making him a MUCH better person than he'd been before the crisis began.  There were many abusive things he used to do and say that he does NOT do or say now.
What I'm saying is this: once through, the MLC spouse is NEVER the same person you knew, they WILL be different, but you must accept the WHOLE person, some things will remain the same, but many things WILL change...I saw this go for the better; didn't see anything bad, only good changes.


Sadly, IF they get stuck within the tunnel, they may NEVER come out, stuck in one of the stages, most of the time it is REPLAY they get stuck in a perpetual search for lost youth, etc.

On the other hand;
IF they experience heavy trauma while trying to get through OR even come out with an "emotional block" of some kind, they WILL come on out BUT...they will experience recurring cycles of crisis, and the process is attempted again, only in a different fashion...there will be components missing from the first crisis, because those issues have already been faced/decided within them.
What they end up cycling in, are issues that they "skipped" or "missed" while within the tunnel the first time.

What usually results in this is a person going through a different kind of tunnel/crisis trying to catch up on what has NOT been faced/settled.
This is a confusing time, if this happens as the stages cannot be looked at to see where they are, you will NOT know for sure...so MANY things will be MISSING, and it will make you think you've missed something yourself, when you haven't.

It has been said that if a person's processing is interrupted, it can result in them not finishing; while that is possibly true, I cannot say that for certain, as I had watched my husband exit the tunnel, go into Acceptance, begin the "settling down" process, and a year and half later, I observed a "going back" personality changes going backward, and much later, I discovered that a child of his issues had been missed, causing a different kind of crisis, different type of tunnel.
This time, many components of the BIG ONE, were missing...only a child was evident, and I was put into a position of authority that I didn't want to be in, but SOMEBODY had to take responsibility..... :)

Things were much different in this instance, I only illustrate this as another possiblity of what COULD happen.  It did NOT happen to me, personally, as far as I know, I came on through, though it took me LONGER than it had my husband in his MLC.

It is my hope that all this will help others in their quest to survive their spouses' MLC.  I never did everything right in his MLC, but I loved my husband and wanted our marriage to continue.

In time, I accepted, forgave and healed from all the damage that was done, changed for a lifetime.

Each person can gain the SAME kind of strength I gained coming through this, always remember to let go, let God do His work, read, research, and above all, understand that things are not always as they seem, especially during your spouse's MLC.

God bless you all.

Much love,
HB :)

« Last Edit: May 19, 2010, 12:50:15 AM by HeartsBlessing »
Our marriage survived His MLC, with the help of the Lord.
I have learned that true strength is built through the trials we endure.
There is hope as long as you love your MLC spouse, and, are willing to learn the  life's lessons that are set before you as a result of this crisis.

Offline Mermaid

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Re: Resources: About MLC
« Reply #15 on: September 24, 2010, 09:48:29 AM »
THE MALE MIDLIFE CRISIS IN THE GROWN UP RESILIENT CHILD
SHIRLEY BRAVERMAN AND JOEL PARIS 1993
Clinical experience with a group of successful men suggests that one source of a mid-life crisis can be neglectful parenting during childhood. When resilient children grow up, they retain a deficit in the self. At mid-life, the use of work as a defense against emotional needs tends to break down, and the problems of childhood can re-emerge.
Is a mid-life crisis one of the consequences for the resilient child of a difficult childhood? Since Anthony (1974, 1987) described and coined the term "die invulnerable child," clinicians have been intrigued by the observation that some children who come from families with a mentally ill parent seem to be immune from the disorganizing effects of such an experience on their development. They do not develop symptoms themselves and they seem to be unimpaired in their capacity to concentrate and perform at school, as well as in their social skills. This is in marked contrast to the usual pattern found by researchers, in which children of schizophrenic and depressed mothers were found to have difficulty in focusing thenattention (Cohler et al., 1977) had conduct disorders (Rutter & Quintan, 1984), or accident-proneness (Weissman, 1979).
Werner & Smith (1982) concluded that although negative constitutional and environmental factors play an important role in the development of children, the availability in the family of other caring adults is important for later development. There seem to be some fortunate children who can weather a chaotic and depriving family atmosphere without becoming symptomatic, owing to a combination of positive constitutional factors and the capacity to make use of other attachment figures in the environment (Kauffman et al.,1979; Rutter, 1983; Cohler, 1987).
The long-term outcome for resilient children may also vary with gender. Men are particularly likely to make a major emotional investment in competence and success. The work world offers them an environment with reliable rewards which can be used to compensate for interpersonal deprivation. However, as pointed out by Pollack (1990), longitudinal research on adult development shows that adaptation to family life is best predicted by a healthy balance between autonomous functioning and affiliative relatedness. It therefore seems likely that the use of competence and autonomous functioning as compensation for deficits in affiliation could be unstable in the long run. Such issues frequently become apparent at mid-life.
We have encountered a number of male patients in our clinical experience who seem to have weathered their childhoods and young adulthoods well, despite a difficult family background, but who developed what is commonly called a "midlife crisis." They presented at mid-life with profound dissatisfaction in their marriages, reduced interest and energy in their work, and a general mood of anhedonia. Nothing seemed to give them pleasure, their sex lives were disturbed and, in some cases, there was an increase in alcohol consumption. Since these patients bore so much resemblance to the invulnerable children described by Anthony in their description of their childhoods, we were intrigued by the fact that they seemed to "come undone" in mid-life.
We believe that the delayed consequences of an early pathological environment for resilient children have not been adequately taken into account by clinicians. This is especially so in families with a preoccupied or depressed rather than a borderline or psychotic primary caretaker (usually the mother), because that pathology is more masked. Such parenting is not as obviously disorganizing, depressing, or fraught with anxiety as is the latter. Nevertheless, the consequences may be just as severe, if not more damaging. In fact, empirical evidence from an important longitudinal study of children at risk (Sameroff & Seifer, 1990) shows that maternal depression carries a much higher risk for pathology in children than does maternal psychosis.
One possible explanation is that the other parent, extended family members, or neighbors may come to the children's rescue more readily when they see more blatant pathology. However, the preoccupied parent does not look pathological: everything appears normal, except that she is psychologically absent and has, thus, "abandoned" the children. For the children, it is also easier to recognize (and perhaps escape from) "crazy" or violent behavior as being frightening: it is much more difficult to pinpoint the psychologically absent, but physically present, parent as being disturbing. The child of the preoccupied mother is much more likely to hover around the parent, to feel guilty at wanting to be taken care of, and to suffer in silence. Others are not as aware of the deficits in parenting the children are experiencing; hence they are less likely to try to be helpful. The paradigm of the successful man who finds achievement empty at mid-life is well-known to the public (Levinson, 1973), and to psychotherapists in particular (Jacques, 1965). The thesis of this article is that some of the roots of the mid-life crisis can lie in a childhood deprived of essential nutrients for healthy development. Clinical material will be presented to support the hypothesis that achievement can be used by men as a defense against feelings of deprivation, and that such defenses are likely to break down in the face of aging. Aspects of Kohut's self-psychology will be used to illustrate the defects in the self with which these men were struggling. The phenomenology of the mid-life crisis can be seen not just as a search for lost youth, but also as a desperate cry of an abandoned child.
The clinical data come from the practice of the senior author (SB), and consist of a cohort of 10 middle-aged men who presented for psychotherapy. All of these men were highly successful in life, and all of them presented with major difficulties in intimate relationships. Seven of the ten, in fact, presented initially for couple or family therapy, and three were already separated or divorced at the time of presentation. There was little overt family disruption: one patient had a parent who died before age 16, and only one was not actually reared by his parents.
Review of the childhood histories of these men suggested that all ten had experienced significant emotional neglect in their families. Only 3 reported parental alcoholism, and 4 reported that one of their parents suffered from a chronic physical illness. Five reported parental psychiatric illness, primarily depression; however, there may also have been untreated or sub-clinical depression in many of these parents. Nine out of ten described experiences of parentification, i.e., having to assume major caretaking responsibility toward either siblings or the parents themselves. Of the seven married men, only one separated during the course of therapy, and at the time of writing, nine out often were living in a permanent relationship with a woman, attesting to their desire for an intimate relationship. None of these men felt it was preferable to live alone. They had not given up on their wish for closeness. This is a group of successful men who only sought help for psychological difficulties at midlife. Up to then they had adequately compensated for their deprivation by activity and by work. They were hard-working, ambitious men, and their intimate relationships tended to be limited to their immediate families. Although they were by no means socially isolated, their friendships were activity-related, and even in their families they were somewhat emotionally isolated from their wives and children. At mid-life they had begun to lose the taste for the race for success, or, having won it, they felt that it was no longer enough. The defense of activity had stopped working, and they longed for the unconditional love they had never experienced.
Kohut's self-psychology (1970, 1977) provides a theoretical framework which is helpful in understanding the quality of these needs. It would appear that during the process of development, these men had not adequately experienced the idealizing, mirroring, and merging with a stable parent-figure, so necessary to ensure the development of a secure sense of self. Self-depletion is a concept of Kohut's describing one of the deficits of the self. It is an apt description of the self defect in these men. "Self-depletion reflects insufficiency of the self-object's response to the need for affirmation, merger and idealization leading to that guiltless depression resulting from lowered self-esteem" (Morrison, 1984). Kohut (1977) stated that guiltless despair results from the self s failure to realize its ambitions and ideals. Our point of view differs from Kohut's in this regard. We believe, rather, that this despair comes from a failure in their closest interpersonal relationships, i.e., with their spouses and children. This article focuses on the spousal relationship only.
During their marriages, these men developed the equivalent of a self-object transference with their wives, in which they re-experienced earlier, unsatisfied developmental needs such as the need for mirroring, merging, and holding (tension regulating). All marriages have aspects of these need requirements within the couple, but where the self is defective, these needs are greater and there is a greater hunger to have them met. These men used work to cover up this primary defect in the self. They attempted to realize their ambitions and compensate for the defect in this way. The spouses were not up to the almost impossible task of empathic attunement required by these men, to provide the reparative experience they needed. In the earlier years of their marriage and careers, these men were able to gain much narcissistic gratification from their work. They often found idealizable father figures there, who helped them integrate positive self-representations. These two factors helped them be less demanding of their wives. However, as the men grew older and became more successful themselves, they either lost, or turned away from their idealizable father figures. At that point they began consistently to experience their disappointment in their spouses in the same way that a patient might experience a profound disappointment in his therapist after an unempathic response during a self—object transference. Repeated experiences of disappointment, leading to either hostility or withdrawal, caused the cohesion of the marriage to deteriorate as the man's sense of inner cohesion began to break down. The spouse could not serve as the source of narcissistic supplies nor as buffer for the man's feeling of emptiness. In these marriages, the man's needs were often covert, and not directly communicated to the spouse, who might only experience a bewildering withdrawal. Disengagement in response to empathic failure is again a familiar phenomenon in the psychotherapeutic situation, but is not readily manageable in a marriage.
Because these men had such a poorly integrated sense of self, masked though it was, marital therapy could not be effective even though it did focus on the self-object transference between the couple. These men needed an exclusive relationship with the therapist to permit the development of a self-object transference in the context of a professional relationship. There it could be contained, examined, and handled therapeutically, a situation not possible in a cohabiting daily relationship. These cases were treated, therefore, in a psychoanalytically oriented, individual psychotherapy, although some started off in couple or family therapy. Although the spouses had a role to play in the quality of the marital relationship, we shall focus on the deficits in the self of the men rather than on the interpersonal relationship within the marriage.
It would be interesting to speculate on why these men were able to maintain an "invulnerable" posture for so long. They may have had talents which were unusual on which they learned to capitalize. They all seemed to have an unusual level of energy, a factor which may have given them an advantage, since those who are constitutionally active are more likely to have worldly success. In fact, since the histories we have described are not widely variant from what is seen in more disabled patients attending psychiatric clinics, our cohort must have either had some inborn advantage, benefited from a greater security of attachment to their primary objects, or have found compensatory attachments outside their nuclear families.
It appears that the interactional effect of their high level of energy, good health and intelligence put these children in the position of fulfilling many family tasks for the parents. In addition, they were able to attain high achievement at school, which did provide some narcissistic gratification to the parents. By performing these family tasks and achieving at school, these children received some mirroring from either one or both parents: thus they learned that the performance of tasks could be a powerful external supplier of self-esteem. The objective became a substitute for the object. When these children reached adulthood and married, all the denied longing for mirroring and soothing nurturance emerged. Inevitably, they were disappointed, but their success at work masked their disappointments and they were usually able to maintain equilibrium in their family lives by remaining relatively distant and preoccupied with work.

In middle age a change seems to occur in that the awareness of life as being finite emerges (Jacques, 1965). It is sometimes triggered by the changes one feels in one's body, an illness, the death of a parent, sibling, or friend, and sometimes by the psychological or physical separation of one's children (Braverman, 1981). The aforementioned changes test one's capacity to accept what one is and what one has.
« Last Edit: September 25, 2010, 04:12:05 AM by Rollercoasterider »
Forgiveness: To give up resentment against; stop being angry with; pardon; give up all claim to punish; overlook; cancel a debt.

Offline trusting

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Re: Resources: About MLC
« Reply #16 on: September 24, 2010, 10:15:47 AM »
Very interesting, Mermaid!  My H comes from a family where his mom has been depressed for years and years and his dad had his own issues as well.  I have been trying to figure out what has caused his MLC as he seemed to have a happy enough childhood and nothing too major seemed to have happened to shake him up.  I do know that when he was in high school his mom was having some major health issues which were effecting his dad quite a bit and I think causing him (FIL) to withdraw.  They were both also extremely busy with work and I do believe he was on his own quite a bit.  I can hardly probe now, but my guess is he did feel emotionally abandoned and neglected and did not get the validation he needed in his teen years.  I am sure there is more in there as well and I can think of some things that happened that he told me about that obviously wounded him deeply. I am of course just guessing based on what I know of my  H and his family and of course I have no professional training. :)

Offline JustFine&Dandy

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Re: Resources: About MLC
« Reply #17 on: September 24, 2010, 12:08:01 PM »
Mermaid - This backs up my theory with H.  H's mother died unexpectedly when he was only 17.  He was the baby of the family, and other family members told me that she catered to his every need.  His dad was a drinker, and I believe he withdrew more after H's mother died. H went through a turbulent period of drugs, alcohol, and depression during this time.

From his early 20's, H seemed like he had his life together.  Yes, he still partied some, but he kept things under control and held down a job. 

I think his unresolved issue has been emotional love and support that he missed from his mother.  He has always been a bit needy and needs reassurance and love from others. 

He really snapped this summer when he lost his job (I found out today that his last day of work was also the anniversary of his mother's death).  Interestingly, the OW is a girl he dated in high school during the same time period of his mother's death!  It's really like he is trying to go back and resolve what he wasn't able to before.

What makes things worse is that I believe OW has a codependent nature.  I know that she was in a long-term relationship with a drug addict.  H has admitted to me that he "needs" OW and he only feels happy when he's with her.  I think she enjoys him needing her...

The human mind is so interesting.  Thanks for sharing the article.


Offline Still

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Re: Resources: About MLC
« Reply #18 on: September 24, 2010, 01:30:08 PM »
My H's father walked out when he was 2. His mother had a series of co-dependent male partners during his life. She even left him at the age of 16 to move in with her boyfriend. She paid the rent on the home he lived, but she moved away. If that doesn't do something to one's view of self-worth, I don't know what wouldn't.

He spent his entire life being an overachiever. Managed a restaurant before he even graduated high school. Scholarly grades in his bachelor's program....honors in his MBA program, earned his PhD and had a college professor position while still in his 20's. He has lead several national organizations, writes textbooks, and has hundreds of awards in competitive sports. Enough is never enough....

H43, M44
M 22 years
T  23 years
3 Kids
Crisis began 4/08
Divorced 2/13

Offline Butterfly

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Re: Resources: About MLC
« Reply #19 on: September 24, 2010, 01:34:24 PM »
Mermaid,
This article is really interesting. My husband's parents were both alcoholics. His father openly had affairs, taking the OW out in the family car while h's mother at home with kids. His father was verbally and physically abusive to his mother. His mother turned to alcohol to dull the pain.
My h and an older sister were the only kids left at home during the worst part of all this . They frequently took on role of "adult", even being designated driver at 13.
One evening, parents called for them to come and get them as they were too drunk. They had to drive into the country, in the dark, to find them.

When my h was 17, his mother shot his father in self defense with my h's gun. In h's bedroom.

H had to testify to the abuse he had witnessed in the trial. He dropped out of school and joined the Navy. Due to health issue, he was honorably discharged.
He returned and worked his way up the ladder and really did well for himself.

In may 2004, his mother died and he became severely depressed. He left one weekend and refused to answer the phone. Only gone a couple days, then came back. Expressed desire to leave but never did.

In June 2009, he wrote on fb page how he felt regrets that he didn't have same experiences his classmates did. Missed his prom, didn't go to college. No dating in high school because of family issues. Etc.

So I guess it is no coincidence that his replay is now with OW from that class. Was on high school reunion committee. Posted a pic with OW at high school reunion that could have been a prom pic. Has since removed it last week. Not sure why. And has rekindled friendships with lots of classmates.

This makes it easier to stand when you think of what they've lived thru to get to this mess.
I want the best for him regardless. He knows that.
Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thy own understanding.
1 Corinthians 13:7 Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, it's hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything.

 

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