Author Topic: My Story Just keep swimming, just keep swimming....  (Read 3589 times)

Offline hopeandfaithTopic starter

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My Story Just keep swimming, just keep swimming....
« on: November 24, 2017, 01:07:42 AM »
New thread time and perhaps an opportunity for reflection.  H and I actually had an R talk last night that was initiated by me but not planned.  The conversation left me feeling flat and frustrated at how long this process is.  There was nothing particularly negative said but I heard him say, once again, that if we got back together, people would think I have rocks in my head.  I just said “so you keep saying”.

He picked up on a change in mood that I would have thought was subtle but it wasn’t to him and he asked me about it.  I just told him that I was tired and sick of things being complicated.  To be fair, he probably left the conversation feeling a little flat too because I did share the realisation that I came to on the weekend about the fact that while I have options, they all suck.  I also said once again that this limbo situation that we are in is not likely to have a long shelf life.

I also talked about OW and asked if she knew that the kids would never have anything to do with her.  He was pretty quiet on that and said that he figured that if she did move to our town, they would have to choose whether or not they would want to have a relationship with him (and presumably her).  I told him that if she did move here, they would see it as him making the choice to have a relationship with her over them and that they would never want to co-exist.  I probably overstepped here and it felt a bit desperate on my behalf.  I am not sure how it landed on him.  He may have thought that I am wrong and they will come around.  I guess it doesn’t matter, he’s the one that is going to have to test that theory.

I asked him about the Xmas plans with his parents because they had sent a ‘save the date’ text to the kids but then cancelled that because the date didn’t work with the rest of their family.  They haven’t sent another text but I have heard that they are thinking about moving the get together to boxing day which is also the day I had mentioned to H as the day I might go and visit them.  I therefore wondered if they had agreed to this and were expecting me.  I asked H how they felt about our situation and he said that they are still frustrated at our ‘happy families’ act.  I expect that they would be more comfortable if I wasn’t there so I suggested that H work out the details and take the kids.  I am not looking forward to that day because I already feel punished for his bad behaviour.  I will work toward turning that around and maybe making alternative plans for the day.

Last night’s conversation made me realise how those sneaky expectations have been growing because I was disappointed at the lack of forward movement.  It hurt to hear H still contemplating a future with OW and describing it in terms of ‘taking it slow’.  He told me that she is not too happy about the amount of time he spends with us but he is not planning on changing that.  Overall, I think that they are perhaps in an OK place right now.

H seemed to hover after that conversation and make the type of small talk he does when he is temperature checking me.  He has also called me 3 times today which is very unusual.  He had a reason for each call but a pretty loose one.  He had a boozy lunch planned with his male work colleagues and told me about it yesterday.  I asked him if he was going to one of the friends’ micro-brewery’s but, when I looked at his face, I quickly changed that to a strip club.  He laughed and told me about the fairly derelict place they are planning to go.  We had a bit of a laugh about some of the sorry sights he might see but agreed that they would have a good laugh. 

One of the phone calls was to explain why he’d sent me an email about his Grandmother’s inheritance but had just written 'FYI' on the email.  He explained in great detail that he had written an email telling me that the club was as ordinary as he imagined it would be but then thought that was a bit wrong to talk about a strip club in the same email as his Grandmother’s inheritance.  He then spent another 15 mins chatting with me and ignoring his friends.  When he called later, it was to tell me that he is not going on a ride with his Harley club tomorrow but will be doing a call out shift at work to make some extra cash for the family.

He also made a point of telling me that he'd been in a foul mood all day and was drinking mid strength beer because he knew himself well enough to know that it wouldn't take him much to get drunk today and that the mood he was in was not likely to make him a happy drunk.  I got the distinct impression that he was trying to be the good guy tonight which I guess I am grateful for.

A couple of months ago, I was reading an entry from an LBS who was listing the things she would like in her next relationship.  I copied the text because it resonated with me and now I can’t remember who I copied it from so I apologise in advance for not quoting properly;


So now, I think about my ex-boyfriend a lot. I would want to marry a man like him. We had our problems, but we were young, who didn't?

- I could talk to him about anything.
still find myself pouring my thoughts out to him
- We had arguments, not fights, that got resolved before we went to sleep at night. He absolutely hated drama, and never created any. We very rarely fought, this was probably a problem
- All of my friends liked him, and he liked them. Didn't try to run any off.
- He wasn't the jealous type. Quite the opposite, he loved it when guys looked at me. He would tell me that they were jealous of him.
- He never tried to make me jealous.
- The relationship wasn't all about him. It was a partnership and we had to work together to make it work.
- He knew how to compromise.
- He could control his temper, and rarely ever got angry. You had to work hard just to piss the guy off. He was that easy going.
- He didn't yell, insult, put down, or demean when he was angry. Not once did he ever call me "crazy", not even in anger.
- He didn't bring others into the mix to be controlling or manipulative. Or to make me feel like people were against me (no negative advocates, or flying monkeys)
- He wasn't a liar.  (pre MLC)
- He could admit when he was wrong, and actually would say, "I'm sorry" He had his ego in check. 
- He could accept "No" for an answer.
- He put "us" first.
- He was loyal. We broke up, and got back together. That's when things went south.
(N/A)
- He respected and appreciated my time and efforts.
- He did the little things.
- He didn't take himself too seriously
.He has a great sense of humour but is also very sensitive to critisicm
- He didn't care what others thought of him. He currently cares too much about this but also claims not to
- He had my back (something the XH never had), and didn't throw me under the bus (which the XH did constantly to save himself and/or make me look bad).
- He was polite, and had integrity.
- He didn't invade my privacy, and gave me space when I needed it. And vice versa.
- He wasn't jealous of my relationships with my friends.
- He wasn't my biggest critic, and hiding it behind the guise of "trying to help me."
- He wasn't invested in holding me back or keeping me down. The opposite, he encouraged me and was my biggest fan.


I need to stop there, but the list goes on. I want to find another one just like him. I miss having someone like him in my life. And if I'm lucky, I won't let another like him get away. 


When I read this list I found myself thinking, no wonder I can't let this guy go, he ticks every box.  I am grateful to have this version of my H even in MLC.  It is very easy to be around him.  If anything, he puts me on a pedestal.  It makes this a very frustrating wait.

I am reading a brilliant book at the moment and highly recommend it to everyone.  It's called "The Shadow Effect" and is written by Deepak Chopra, Marianne Williamson and Debbie Ford.  It is not just about the MLCer, it is very enlightening and useful for our mirror work too.

Epic post, with nothing new, over  :)

Last thread http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9268.0
« Last Edit: November 24, 2017, 01:11:35 AM by hopeandfaith »
BD's in May 09, Sept 12 - suspected OW
Left home Jan 12 2013
OW confirmed Feb 2013
Moved home April 11 2014
BD again in April 2017 - clinging. 
Moved out July 2017
D17, D15 and S14

Now offering Coaching to LBS at http://clarebrownlifecoach.com.au/
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Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Just keep swimming, just keep swimming....
« Reply #1 on: November 24, 2017, 06:53:45 AM »
Well Hope,

Sometimes one does have to wonder what it will take for these Mid-Lifers to figure out their stuff... If they ever do.....

My Christmas planning is somewhat similar... Christmas Eve, the kids and Mid-Lifer then on Christmas Day, she does a runner and takes the kids to visit her mom (SIL is out of town this year) and, as was the case the last couple of years, I am not invited which is fine for me... ...
Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 10
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
No legal action to date

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online Reallytrying

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Re: Just keep swimming, just keep swimming....
« Reply #2 on: November 24, 2017, 07:19:19 AM »
Attaching. So sorry you are back in this sense of limbo.

Offline Schratz66

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Re: Just keep swimming, just keep swimming....
« Reply #3 on: November 24, 2017, 07:42:59 AM »
Attaching hope. Hmmm - my husband checks just about every box on the awesome boyfriend list. He was a great guy - now - depressed and selfish with no empathy.
But still worth going through all this crap for.

Just curious on your signature line. Does your H have the same OW he had when he left the first time?

Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Just keep swimming, just keep swimming....
« Reply #4 on: November 24, 2017, 11:56:31 AM »
Long, slow process for sure. Agonizing especially around the holidays. It is interesting how honest your H is about OW. Maybe honest isn’t the right word—maybe just that he’s willing to discuss it? I do wonde if he has any concept of how hurtful that is to you. I’m sure he does on a level. This is the time that detachment really comes in handy. He’s working through something and you are seeing it first hand. It’s progress for sure. But excruciating. Stay strong.
Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Offline hopeandfaithTopic starter

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Re: Just keep swimming, just keep swimming....
« Reply #5 on: November 24, 2017, 03:28:35 PM »
UM - Glad you are ok with W doing a runner to her mom's on Xmas day.  It is amazing what we get ok with isn't it  :-\. I think that I would really enjoy the day if I did go to MIL's but I would also get the 'so close but yet so far' feeling too which I am already sick of.

Schratz66 - sounds like your guy is also lucky to have you if he's worth it after all this. To answer your question, this isn't the same OW.  This one is totally different from OW 1 (or whatever number she really was).  OW 1 was all about herself and her career and she kept H at arms length.  I think that's part of what made her attractive. 

This one is all about H and has been offering to move to our city since May.  Even H described her as a bit stalker-ish before we split.  She knows his movements ALL the time.  I think this version comes with a lot more guilt and she will be a lot harder to get away from because she is an integral part of his job.

H was more committed to the first OW and tried to get people used to her.  She had more control over him and he was prepared to be publicly seen as her boyfriend.  This time, he was contemplating breaking contact with her before he left (and had tried), was saying that he'd wish he'd never met her and that IT wasn't about her but is also won over by her devotion (I think).  The night before I saw an email from her declaring her love for H, I saw a drunk text from him to another woman.  I asked H if OW knows about the other woman and he claims that she does.  Lord knows what she is telling herself that makes him worth it to her.

KIT, I think he does know that its hurtful to me.  That's the impression I definitely got the other night.  I think it scares him when I look worn out.   Most of the time, I look like I couldn't give a crap about what he does which is a huge relief to him but probably also keeps him a bit stuck, unless she is adding pressure from her end.  I get the impression that she does and then backs off because she knows she's pushing him away.

I don't really hide my feelings because I have learnt that he can see them anyway and I have a strong desire to be congruent.  I am happy when I am with him so that's why it looks like I couldn't give a crap.  Every now and then, like the other night, I am not.  It is what it is.  What will be, will be.

S14 is going through a rough patch at the moment and one of his friends called me to tell me that he is planning to run away with another friend tomorrow.  His schooling is not going well and he seems to think he will be a billionaire by the time he is 16 so school is unnecessary.  He has been making money on the stock market lately so his head size has inflated a little as a result of that.  It is challenging keeping his feet on the ground.  We are very relaxed parents but I am tightening the boundaries a little right now to remind him that the fences are there for his protection and he will only get treated like a child, instead of a teen, if he wants to act like a child.

Not surprisingly, H is a lot softer on him than I am.  Even S14's friend told me that she thinks he is taking advantage of me.  The 2 most important males in my life are doing the same thing so there is some mirror work there for me for sure.  H is taking S14 and his friend to the river tonight for a camp out which means that the running away plans will be thwarted. S14 and I are normally very close and he seems to have become less angry over the last couple of days so I think his plans had probably changed anyway.  Our intel (from his friend) helped us to work out that he was going to run (ride) away to the river block anyway so I was tempted to let him go out for his ride with his friend and when he didn't return at the agreed time and presumably didn't answer his phone, we would drive to the river.  I am fairly confident that he would decide it was a really bad idea about 1 hr into the ride and would return home, possibly never telling us what he'd planned to do but having learned a lesson.  Risky, I know but it was a calculated risk. 

D15 may finally have some success on her job search, she is doing a trial shift today at a really cool urban wear store and is super excited.  It is the type of job that every kid in high school wants because of the clothes and shoes that they sell so that will be a nice turn around for her if it all goes well.  Up to now, she has really struggled to land a job which is really weird because she is so  polite, organised, well spoken, warm and intelligent.  I felt like the first place that called her in for an interview would probably hire her and it looks like that might be the case.  She is a big believer in things happening for a reason and this would be her pick of all the jobs she could possibly get so my fingers and toes are crossed for her.

D18 is at a schoolies festival this weekend to celebrate the end of school and exams.  She feels like she is coming down with tonsillitis though so I feel so sorry for her because she has been looking forward to this forever.  I may have to go and pick her up before the festival ends on Sunday night.  Other than that, she is still driving despite getting her licence disqualified for speeding because she entered a safer driver agreement which extends her probationary period by a year.  The whole experience cost her over a $1000 so I think the lesson has definitely been learned there!.

I got my nose pierced yesterday.  That is my little act of rebellion.  Can't wait to show my parents and in-laws  ;D
BD's in May 09, Sept 12 - suspected OW
Left home Jan 12 2013
OW confirmed Feb 2013
Moved home April 11 2014
BD again in April 2017 - clinging. 
Moved out July 2017
D17, D15 and S14

Now offering Coaching to LBS at http://clarebrownlifecoach.com.au/
40% off for Hero Spouse Members

Time to pay it forward!

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Just keep swimming, just keep swimming....
« Reply #6 on: November 24, 2017, 06:06:55 PM »
Be careful with the nose piercing H&F, sounds very MLCerish.... ;D
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8451.80 (Denjef's thread)

Offline hopeandfaithTopic starter

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Re: Just keep swimming, just keep swimming....
« Reply #7 on: November 24, 2017, 07:40:52 PM »
Be careful with the nose piercing H&F, sounds very MLCerish.... ;D

I know right!!  I am just getting started.  When I first saw your warning, I thought you had some medical horror story to share  ;D
BD's in May 09, Sept 12 - suspected OW
Left home Jan 12 2013
OW confirmed Feb 2013
Moved home April 11 2014
BD again in April 2017 - clinging. 
Moved out July 2017
D17, D15 and S14

Now offering Coaching to LBS at http://clarebrownlifecoach.com.au/
40% off for Hero Spouse Members

Time to pay it forward!

Offline Seekingpatience

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Re: Just keep swimming, just keep swimming....
« Reply #8 on: November 25, 2017, 02:15:51 AM »
Hi  hopeandfaith  :)

 nose piercing eh? Getting badass!... ;)

Attaching with peace and strength

Offline 31andcounting

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Re: Just keep swimming, just keep swimming....
« Reply #9 on: November 26, 2017, 05:13:03 AM »
Welcome to your new thread h&f!

H  is still unsure " if we got back together people will think you have rocks in your head"
Silly H doesn't realize WE ( LBS) don't care what people think!!!

(Hugs)
31
Hurting people hurt people :(


 

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