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Author Topic: My Story Just keep swimming, just keep swimming....  (Read 3588 times)

Offline handpuppets

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My Story Re: Just keep swimming, just keep swimming....
« Reply #120 on: January 01, 2018, 06:12:42 PM »
I focused on being grateful for the bigger picture and the things that were right (within the wrong) in this situation and not what I still lacked.  I was grateful that I was spending it with my family, that H wanted me there and wasn't with OW and that overall, he's getting closer.

Right there with you H&F. I think this is where I get stuck too. And it was starting to become a theme (thank you, Universe!). So I am going to try to focus on what vs. what I lack in my relationship and see if that helps me move forward in my own work.

It sounds like it was a nice New Year's, that you were in the moment and that H is moving closer and closer towards you and the family.

(Your SIL sounds like a real piece of work. Yikes.)
“Lighthouses don’t go running all over an island looking for boats to save; they just stand there shining.” -Anne Lamott

Offline hopeandfaithTopic starter

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Re: Just keep swimming, just keep swimming....
« Reply #121 on: January 05, 2018, 05:25:54 PM »
Meanwhile Niece 18 is having a birthday this weekend and SIL is complaining that niece hasn't made time for her.  You reap what you sow SIL.  They are voting with their feet.


Niece text me on Tues and asked if I was free to catch up for lunch on her birthday  ;D. She told me that she misses me.  That felt good.  SIL will be there and so will my other niece and D18 so she obviously changed her plans to include her mother (and me).  Wonder if SIL is getting sick of me yet?

H is now on holidays and has gone back up to the river.  He only ended up working 2 days this week and spending 2 extra days at the river with S14.  I am so pleased that they are getting along much better now.  It is interesting to note that while H is at the river, he has $hit phone reception and even if he didn't, it would be STUPID to be caught communicating with ow.  I am not sure if ow is on annual leave too but if she isn't, she can't find weak work related reasons to contact H.

Meanwhile H has been asking me all week if I will come to the river again this weekend.  His housemate and girlfriend are going up and I initially felt embarrassed by the idea of being 'one' of H's stupid pathetic women.  I don't feel quite the same way about it now and almost feel like marking my territory ;D.  I have been vague again because I was half expecting to see a cycle back to ow during the week but that hasn't really happened.  So I am going to go up tomorrow morning with D15 and D18 will join us after work.  All 5 of us will be there again so its an opportunity too good to pass up.  It does feel a bit high risk/high reward at the moment but I am going with it.

On a side note, D18 is now 'talking to' a guy who lives at the river.  He is the brother of SIL's boyfriend so it's all a bit incestuous but they were circling each other last year until D18 decided she needed to concentrate on her studies.  She then ended up going out with a school friend but broke up with him before Christmas because he was super jealous and needy.  Our river trips have revived her friendship with the river guy and he is a much better match for her.  SOOOOO much happier too which is awesome because she was really quite depressed at the end of last year.  This guy is 4 years older so he is more a mental match and he's so much more compatible.  He just won the Young Citizen of the Year Award for his volunteer work with special needs kids.  He's only 22 but he does so much volunteering outside of his day job, which is as an outdoor education teacher.  I am just so happy for her.

Wish me luck.  I really want to come home from this river trip as peaceful as I did after the last one.  I am now on Day 6 of the New Year and haven't been hurt or disappointed yet - woohoo!
BD's in May 09, Sept 12 - suspected OW
Left home Jan 12 2013
OW confirmed Feb 2013
Moved home April 11 2014
BD again in April 2017 - clinging. 
Moved out July 2017
D17, D15 and S14

Now offering Coaching to LBS at http://clarebrownlifecoach.com.au/
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Offline hopeandfaithTopic starter

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Re: Just keep swimming, just keep swimming....
« Reply #122 on: January 12, 2018, 01:13:44 AM »
Journalling:

It’s been a pretty H filled week which has been really nice.  The river trip went really well and then it was D15’s birthday on Wed so there was a birthday dinner with Mil, Fil, Sil and nieces on Tues and then the 5 of us spent the day together on her birthday.  H has been on holidays this week so he hung out at the house on Thurs too and then stopped by today to pick up D16 and S14 to take them to Mil and Fil’s for the weekend.

The more I see him, the harder it is not to want more.  He is great company and super attentive and kind.  He has been doing all the shopping for our river trips lately and because I have left earlier for work each time, he has had to pack up on his own – without complaint.  When I got home from work last night, he had been busy doing the lawns and cleaning up the yard because he knew my parents were coming over today and then he cleaned my car. The kitchen was spotless too.  He seemed really happy to be productive and is trying not to drink.  I think he has only really managed 2 days so far because we have been at the river.

I would not even know that OW existed at all if I hadn’t seen a text from her while we were up at the river.  He had his phone charging on the couch where I was sitting and I saw a message come in that said “how’s your night, silly question, what are you up to?”  I would have loved to have replied, “smoking shisha and playing board games with my housemates and my wife…you?”  but alas!  About 30 mins later, she text again and said “Think I might just go to sleep then, night x”.  D16 took his phone as a torch to go to the toilet later and had a bit of a snoop.  He would know that somebody saw the messages because she accidentally clicked on them so they became ‘read’.  She looked further back to see that he had text her earlier on to let her know he was thinking about her.  GRRRR.  Bites hard to see that.  D16 said that she got the distinct impression from other texts that OW is getting cranky.  I thought her texts sounded a bit flat and pouty maybe.  She also seems pretty desperate because D16 saw a text from her that said “I just love you too much” and a few other needy sounding “you’re so sexy” type texts.  She seems to be a drinker too.

So, it was a useful reminder that he is very much still in contact with her and also providing her crumbs (at least). It’s almost like he is not even having an affair because he is always with us and his phone is not hidden.  There is no weird phone behaviour either so he is getting REALLY good at this now.  He has not asked to sleep over again and he has not told me he has ended it or had any other R talks either.  I think he will tell me when he does end it.  He hasn’t seen her since the Wed before Christmas at the earliest so I think that’s about 3 weeks or so.   He’s spent most of that time with us or at least one of the kids so they really haven’t had any quality time to even really talk.

He has been talking to S14 about getting our financial situation in order and has been looking at river shacks for sale on line.  I remember this from last time and it was about the 9 month mark too.  Quite weird how it seems to have a time line of its own. 

I told him that I am catching up with one of his colleagues (the work wife who was there at BD) on Monday and he sounded pleased and told me that he had invited her and her hubby to the river for our last trip.  He’d told her that I was coming up (a selling point) but they were busy and the weather was super hot too.  How weird, he definitely wants work colleagues to know that we are hanging out and obviously doesn’t mind it getting back to OW.  I get the feeling that OW didn’t know I was at the river this last weekend because he’d focused on talking about the housemates (who invited me to their birthday) and she just didn’t seem that triggered in her texts. 

Lord knows what he is up to and how long this will take to drop off.  He is back at work next week but then has more holidays in Feb.  The next couple of months will be telling because I am not sure what he is planning during his holidays.  I think he has 3 weeks.  I have no doubt that he will be seeing her before then because he can’t avoid Head office.

This ‘so close, but yet so far’ thing is really distracting and makes me pine.  He sure knows how to make himself useful in my life.  He is an acts of service guy and they are coming in thick and fast. I make sure that I notice all of them. He always does the cooking at the river and I always thank him for every meal. He is scoring lots of runs on the board at the moment which, I think, is the best he can do.

I just had the urge to text him something irrelevant because he did the same to me this morning. I never text him for no reason and then just after I sent it, I thought that I wouldn’t get a reply because he is with the kids and he would be keeping his phone out of sight until he can check it privately. To my surprise, he responded straight away.  I wonder if he has some sort of way of only turning her messages on silent.

On an unrelated matter, I am organising a health Expo at work in a couple of weeks and have arranged a speaker from Beyond Blue which is an organisation specialising in helping people with depression.  The speaker rang me today and I had the best chat with him about depression and his own story.  He was basically a cop for years and then went to senior executive positions until he drank himself stupid and literally fell out of a tree and broke his back. He had 3 brain bleeds at the time which affected his frontal lobe and caused him to verbally attack his wife. She left him and he woke up.  He was 43.  I told him about H and we chatted for a while before he said I can call him anytime for more info or help.  I googled him afterwards and was very impressed with his resume and achievements.  Such an Angel to offer help to me and I have no doubt that he would LOVE to help H should he ever express an interest.
BD's in May 09, Sept 12 - suspected OW
Left home Jan 12 2013
OW confirmed Feb 2013
Moved home April 11 2014
BD again in April 2017 - clinging. 
Moved out July 2017
D17, D15 and S14

Now offering Coaching to LBS at http://clarebrownlifecoach.com.au/
40% off for Hero Spouse Members

Time to pay it forward!

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Just keep swimming, just keep swimming....
« Reply #123 on: January 12, 2018, 01:39:47 AM »
Sounding good H&F, at least he is being kind.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8451.80 (Denjef's thread)

Offline 31andcounting

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Re: Just keep swimming, just keep swimming....
« Reply #124 on: January 12, 2018, 04:58:36 AM »
You do sound good h&f!

I just want to say one thing.....  it makes be very sad that you and the kids are seeing the text messages!  I understand completely, I did the same thing!  I would read his long emails on his Ipad ( at that time he was unaware that his phone and Ipad were synced)  It is a way to "monitor" I guess and you are strong I know.  I was strong too and felt I could handle it and I could and I did!! BUT now that we are reconciled some of what I read won't leave my head!

I understand your thought process truly I do but I just want you to be aware of what I continue to go through.  it is better for sure but I know this will take me a long time to get out of my head. 

Maybe consider "not looking" ?   Just worried I guess :(

(hugs)
31
Hurting people hurt people :(

Offline 1phoenix

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Re: Just keep swimming, just keep swimming....
« Reply #125 on: January 12, 2018, 02:06:43 PM »
Right with 31 on this.

One can never unsee something they have looked at. 

Hugs
I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear — Nelson Mandela

I never lose.  I either win or learn! - Nelson Mandela

For we have fallen from our shelves, To face the truth about ourselves.  "The Gift", Annie Lennox

"You must do the thing you think you cannot do."  Eleanor Roosevelt

Grace makes beauty out of ugly things.  U2 "Grace"

We have all been dealt a hand of cards in this game of life.   Are you going to play or fold?

"Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose." Yoda

Offline hopeandfaithTopic starter

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Re: Just keep swimming, just keep swimming....
« Reply #126 on: January 12, 2018, 02:51:47 PM »
I make quite an effort not to look.  If I need a phone for something, I will look far and wide before I pick up his in case there is a message waiting to be seen from her.  On this occasion, it was sitting next to me on the couch when it lit up.  Maybe it was the lack of distinguishable x's or other loving emoji's that prompted me to actually read it.

I knew the kids had then used his phone after me so they would have seen it too which is what prompted a discussion.  I didn't know that D16 had read more messages afterwards until she told me about them.

I totally agree though 31.  I don't want to see stuff because I figure I will know/be told if anything changes markedly.  I imagine that there is going to be plenty of painful waffling between now and then.  I probably will be more inclined to check phone records (only usage) if we get to a point where he is promising stuff but my spidey senses are up.  I haven't checked the phone records in months now - even when I got a "hello H&F  ;D" text last week from someone I didn't know.  I text them back to say I didn't have their number in my phone and asked who it was. I got back "sorry".  I checked to see if it was any of the kids friends - nope.  Could have cross referenced it with the phone bill but didn't really see the value in that, especially because it would have been enabled me to see how much H is in ringing and texting with OW.

I have recently re-read Wondering's thread and it has been helpful to read that her H had quite a bit of schmoopie contact with his OW until the last dying breath of their liaison.  Way past when he was indicating a return home.  Did you find that too 31?  Did you ever read stuff that was in conflict with what he was telling you or at least indicating that there were still 2 brains operating?
« Last Edit: January 12, 2018, 02:55:50 PM by hopeandfaith »
BD's in May 09, Sept 12 - suspected OW
Left home Jan 12 2013
OW confirmed Feb 2013
Moved home April 11 2014
BD again in April 2017 - clinging. 
Moved out July 2017
D17, D15 and S14

Now offering Coaching to LBS at http://clarebrownlifecoach.com.au/
40% off for Hero Spouse Members

Time to pay it forward!

Offline hopeandfaithTopic starter

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Re: Just keep swimming, just keep swimming....
« Reply #127 on: January 15, 2018, 12:54:14 AM »
Had a great couple of days  ;D

I have been wondering what H has planned for his upcoming holidays and it came up in conversation last night so I asked him.  He said 'nothing' so D16 told him that she was "keen as a bean" to spend lots of time with him. I would be very surprised if there are any plans to have ow come over (especially since it went down so well last time  ::)).

Today I caught up with H's work wife who I haven't seen for about 6 months.  I filled her in on what's been going on and she told me that H had been quite withdrawn and even a little bit mean for quite a while but has begun engaging with her again.  She also told me that....wait for it.....H broke up with ow last week.  There is even more good news  ;D ;D. She has apparently applied for a job outside of his company and has been for an interview.  I therefore ask all my LBS friends to PRAY SHE GETS THE JOB.

Apparently she has been applying for jobs in our town but H has blocked it in some way.  Work wife thought that ow's trip to our town in Dec was a compromise aimed at keeping her off his case.  Apparently the previous cancelled trip cost her quite a bit because it was cancelled on the day she was supposed to fly here.  H had apparently offered to reimburse her but she told him not to worry about it.

I also heard another little story about him leaving her in the lurch one night when he was at a farewell party with other work mates and was supposed to meet her at his room when she finished her late shift.  Instead, he went into town with the work mates, which include the chick he drunk texts, who works for ow.  Awkward at work much???  It sounds like he has been quite the ba$tard to her.

H is due to spend 4 days in the office with her in the next few weeks so a backslide is expected.  Even if she does leave, she would probably still be there then and these things have an annoying habit of dragging out for months.  H is now on Day 6 of no drinking which is the longest he has managed for ages.  He is back at work though so I expect that won't last.  Work wife says that he has ALOT on his plate because he dropped the ball before Christmas. 

He seemed very cranky about going back to work and I think its because he is vulnerable to ow and does not trust himself.  I think this might be why I haven't heard anything about it from him.  I am quite glad that he hasn't invited me onto this rollercoaster.  He might have told me if I was still blocking his access to the family home because that would be the thing that allows him access.  I think I prefer it this way.  I will obviously pretend I don't know anything so it's not a 'thing' when they hook up again.

Work wife has high hopes for him this year and thinks it will be the year that he sorts out his $hit.

I am just grateful for a little relief.  It's always nice to hear that things are as bad as you hope they are and that they are at the breaking up stage.  I didn't get the impression that this is the first time but I am not sure.

Off to pray that ow gets the job she applied for - that is, if that's what's best for all involved.  Don't want to mess with the universe ya know  ;)
BD's in May 09, Sept 12 - suspected OW
Left home Jan 12 2013
OW confirmed Feb 2013
Moved home April 11 2014
BD again in April 2017 - clinging. 
Moved out July 2017
D17, D15 and S14

Now offering Coaching to LBS at http://clarebrownlifecoach.com.au/
40% off for Hero Spouse Members

Time to pay it forward!

Online Treasur

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Re: Just keep swimming, just keep swimming....
« Reply #128 on: January 15, 2018, 01:04:29 AM »

Off to pray that ow gets the job she applied for - that is, if that's what's best for all involved.  Don't want to mess with the universe ya know  ;)

Happy to share my little NYE yellow karma bus  ;D
I hope she gets the job...and then in a few months realises she hates it or gets fired...but too late for your H to want her s$it back because he is chugging along well as work wife suggests she hopes will happen!
BD - Oct 15, mostly silent vanishing husband, diagnosed with severe depression in Dec 15 & seeing psychiatrist/on ADs since then
OW since Apr 16, maybe earlier?
H filed Jan 17.
80/20 strategy for me in 2018

"her soul is fierce, her heart is brave, her mind is strong." R.H Sin
Grace is...Elegance, good will, unearned blessings, a prayer of thanks and how to address a duchess.
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline hopeandfaithTopic starter

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Re: Just keep swimming, just keep swimming....
« Reply #129 on: January 15, 2018, 01:06:51 AM »

Happy to share my little NYE yellow karma bus  ;D


Why thank you Treasur, that is very gracious of you  ;D
BD's in May 09, Sept 12 - suspected OW
Left home Jan 12 2013
OW confirmed Feb 2013
Moved home April 11 2014
BD again in April 2017 - clinging. 
Moved out July 2017
D17, D15 and S14

Now offering Coaching to LBS at http://clarebrownlifecoach.com.au/
40% off for Hero Spouse Members

Time to pay it forward!


 

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