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Author Topic: My Story Just keep swimming, just keep swimming....  (Read 3785 times)

Offline Savoir Faire

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My Story Re: Just keep swimming, just keep swimming....
« Reply #20 on: November 29, 2017, 10:44:46 PM »
Glad your son is safe and sound.  Communication is vital and I understand why he sees too many similarities between himself and his father and is worried about himself.

I was wondering if a little more distance between himself and his father may be beneficial, as the mixed messages his father is giving by dropping in all the time whilst sleeping with another woman would be extremely confusing.  His father is a terrible role model for him in so many ways and I can see why your son wants to be nothing like him.

"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8451.80 (Denjef's thread)

Offline hopeandfaithTopic starter

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Re: Just keep swimming, just keep swimming....
« Reply #21 on: November 30, 2017, 04:47:54 AM »
Thanks for your support CLG, 31, Treasur and SF.  Big hugs to you all.

S14 seems to have settled down and the extra attention seems to have drawn him back toward us.  He had Tuesday and Wed off school but went back today without incident.  He was left unattended a few times on Tue & Wed and didn't take the opportunity to run again.  I still asked D18 to keep an eye on him tonight while I went out and she agreed.  She came home with a T-shirt that she picked up at a work product night for him which said "I am right where you left me".  S14 has a hearty sense of humour and loved it.  Its a surfie brand too so it's suitably 'cool'.

S14 seemed quite happy when I got home after work yesterday.  H had been there since lunch time and I was really hoping that S14 wouldn't have had to fake being ok to avoid having a 'deep and meaningful' with H.  He looked genuinely comfortable though and enjoyed an evening watching his favourite Netflix series with us.  He is on track to get his phone and computer back tomorrow and has coped with his grounding and consequences really well.

31, I was prepared to have a frank conversation with H last night but the opportunity didn't present itself so it can wait.  I am sure an opportunity will present itself soon enough.

SF, a wise friend said that he might be lashing out because I won't.  That was a lightbulb moment for me and makes me more aware of the impact our situation has on the kids.  Having said that, S14 seemed to genuinely enjoy H's company last night so I think he would have preferred him there overall.  He just needs to know that its ok to be angry and disappointed in someone you love and by spending time with them, it doesn't mean that you support their actions.

I have a sneaky feeling that OW might be coming to town for the first time this weekend.  H is going to a 4 day cricket event and has told us that he is going with friends but he also went out and bought a new rug and lights for his room.  My spidey senses are a little heightened right now.  My suspicious nature thinks that he has stepped up so well this week with S14 to soften the blow of having the skank in town.  MIL and FIL are also coming to town and H just told me that they are coming over on Sat morning to see me for my birthday.  I wonder if that's all they are doing.  My tolerance for this situation is already very low at the moment so it is a very risky time for him to hurt me more.  If she does come, I will be praying for it to combust in a very big way.  Things that look great for her from the outside often end up working out that way  ;D

This will also be the 2nd weekend in a row that we haven't seen each other much.  Maybe he is avoiding me to appease OW.  He has also mentioned taking the kids to visit his parents on the following weekend so that would make 3 weekends.  In between all this is my birthday and our anniversary.  He is normally tucked safely away interstate so that I could have burrowed and licked my wounds in peace.  Not so.  Apparently he is around on Wed and since he comes over every other night that he is in our town, he will probably come over then.  I dare say we will go out for dinner, which I am sure will be very nice, but just not the sort of nice I want  :-\. Tired Tired Tired.

I went to a lecture on finding your purpose tonight.  This speaker was an author who has been a 'purpose and meaning' researcher for a number of years and was sorely tested when his 20 year old daughter died suddenly 7 years ago.  He was great to listen to and I came away with a stronger resolve to make next year all about me.  I am making some plans for a quiet night in with my best friend on New Year.  That will be a great start.  I HATED last New Year because it was everything I hate in a night out.  I am also about to try out a new app which really helps you work out what makes you tick.  Kind of like a digital life coach.  I'll be sure to share details if it seems to help.
BD's in May 09, Sept 12 - suspected OW
Left home Jan 12 2013
OW confirmed Feb 2013
Moved home April 11 2014
BD again in April 2017 - clinging. 
Moved out July 2017
D17, D15 and S14

Now offering Coaching to LBS at http://clarebrownlifecoach.com.au/
40% off for Hero Spouse Members

Time to pay it forward!

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Just keep swimming, just keep swimming....
« Reply #22 on: November 30, 2017, 05:13:20 AM »
Isn't puberty great?

And you have not only one kid who's really there, you have an old guy that should have been long since done but has decided to go for a rerun....

I am glad that S stayed put and that he seemed to be OK when you got back.. that is a good sign...

Thinking about it, that T-Shirt is quite appropriate for one that the Mid-Lifer would like the LBS to wear... How ironic...  Just shouldn't be TOO cool...
« Last Edit: November 30, 2017, 05:14:57 AM by UrsaMajor »
Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 10
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
No legal action to date

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline 31andcounting

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Re: Just keep swimming, just keep swimming....
« Reply #23 on: November 30, 2017, 05:17:33 AM »
Sounding good h&f!

You are right, sweet son needs to learn how to handle his emotions, he is learning because of you and d18!!!  You are doing great showing him what's right!

Interesting turn if H is really bringing OW "out and around"  as hard as it is it must happen before anything can end with her!

sigh, I can hear your tiredness!!!
(hugs)
31
 
Hurting people hurt people :(

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Just keep swimming, just keep swimming....
« Reply #24 on: November 30, 2017, 10:59:43 AM »
I’m happy S14 is Home and safe. That is always so hard. We want to protect our children from everything. But this may be a wake up call for everyone. We often need these reminders. Even if they scare the bejeezus out of us!

You are doing this H&F. Your tiredness is proof! Hugs

Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Offline handpuppets

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Re: Just keep swimming, just keep swimming....
« Reply #25 on: November 30, 2017, 12:43:09 PM »
Glad to hear S14 is home and relatively safe. And I can hear your tiredness too. This too shall pass. *hugs*

Related... I think Sunday's upcoming full moon in Gemini is illuminating our sphere of SELF, and how we approach life and relationships. A reminder that our relationships with ourselves is EVERYTHING and to re-center on ourselves as an avenue towards/within significant relationships. Definitely need to refocus my time and attention and start the new year looking squarely forward.

“Lighthouses don’t go running all over an island looking for boats to save; they just stand there shining.” -Anne Lamott

Offline hopeandfaithTopic starter

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Re: Just keep swimming, just keep swimming....
« Reply #26 on: November 30, 2017, 02:41:36 PM »

Thinking about it, that T-Shirt is quite appropriate for one that the Mid-Lifer would like the LBS to wear... How ironic...  Just shouldn't be TOO cool...

It would actually be a good T-shirt for H to wear too cos he ain't movin real fast.  To add to that, there is a picture of a door on the  back of the t-shirt and a little sign that says 'pub'  ::)


Interesting turn if H is really bringing OW "out and around"  as hard as it is it must happen before anything can end with her!


It will be interesting and considering it would be 2-3 days before my birthday - also brave stupid.  Mind you, maybe he is wanting to blow something up so that someone makes a decision.

I do need to be mindful not to make too many assumptions.  D18 told me last night that H had asked her to go to the cricket on Sat with him but she said she didn't know if she could make it.  By the time she got back to him, he'd arranged his best friend to go but was prepared to cancel him and take D18.  If OW is coming, it would be Sun and Mon.  As Handpuppets so rightly pointed out, Sunday is a full moon and H, as a piscean (? spelling), tends to feel those [Insert evil laugh].  I am semi-prepared so the shock factor has been removed which is a very good thing because that is when it is hardest to respond and not react isn't it.


Related... I think Sunday's upcoming full moon in Gemini is illuminating our sphere of SELF, and how we approach life and relationships. A reminder that our relationships with ourselves is EVERYTHING and to re-center on ourselves as an avenue towards/within significant relationships. Definitely need to refocus my time and attention and start the new year looking squarely forward.


This full moon fits exactly with where I am right now.  I will stand at your shoulder looking squarely forward HP!

Next year =  ;D 8) ;) :)

 
BD's in May 09, Sept 12 - suspected OW
Left home Jan 12 2013
OW confirmed Feb 2013
Moved home April 11 2014
BD again in April 2017 - clinging. 
Moved out July 2017
D17, D15 and S14

Now offering Coaching to LBS at http://clarebrownlifecoach.com.au/
40% off for Hero Spouse Members

Time to pay it forward!

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Just keep swimming, just keep swimming....
« Reply #27 on: December 01, 2017, 03:40:40 AM »
THIS full moon is going to be a humdinger... 1) It is a Supermoon, 2) 6 hours before it is full, Mercury goes retrograde until the New Moon 2 weeks later...
Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 10
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
No legal action to date

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline hopeandfaithTopic starter

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Re: Just keep swimming, just keep swimming....
« Reply #28 on: December 01, 2017, 04:10:24 AM »
Ok peeps, I need some help.

I have just found out that H is taking OW to the cricket this weekend in our city.  I think this is the first time that she has been here. There is a good chance that she is meeting the rest of his family...the same people that are coming to wish me a happy birthday tomorrow morning.

So far, going to H's rented room has been a comfortable experience because it is un-tainted by her.  She has not met his really nice housemate or his cute little dog.  She has not slept in his bed and gone for breakfast in the cafe that H and I have been to for our little dates.  She has not been on his Harley, which is now conveniently parked at H's place when it normally lives here.  H re-positioned it last week under the guise of having it close by for the Harley ride that he never went on.

No wonder I have felt a withdrawal.  They have obviously been planning this little romantic rendezvous for a couple of weeks so I am sure OW has been all lightness and joy and definitely not pressuring H.  What hurts is that H bought new lamps and a new rug for his room so that they have better lighting.  He cares enough to still try and impress her  :(.

I have therefore drafted the following email because I am sick of hiding my pain.  I don't really care if it pushes him away.  Where's he gonna go?  I won't send it until tomorrow morning so that I can see if I still want to.  I really want the opinions of my friends though. Some of you have thought it is high time for a bit of truth but maybe this is too emotional - Do I even care.

Your thoughts would be super appreciated.

It’s a long time since I’ve sent you an email but you are probably not surprised to be getting one.

Obviously the kids and I know that OW is coming over this weekend.  It didn’t take much figuring out because of your recent home improvements and the vagueness of your ‘going to the cricket with the guys’ lie. 

I find myself wondering if the rest of the family are coming to meet her this weekend and if so, why bother coming to see me for my birthday.  S14's friend confirmed her visit so it seems that me and the kids may be the last to know of your plans and, following on from that, your intentions?

I am sure you are trying to ‘manage’ things so that you minimise the hurt, but you suck at it.  A fact you know well.  So much so, that I am wondering if your actions this week in being there for S14 were to soften the blow for this weekend.  Were they actions designed to fill the tank so that when you make the withdrawal that this makes, everyone still thinks you are a good guy?  I second guess my interactions with you now and I am not sure if you genuinely care or you are manipulating things to keep things comfortable for you.

I am determined to focus on myself and where that takes me but while the door has been left open between us, it still feels like you are cheating on me and it has felt like that all along.  I have been unaware of any visits by her up to now and have been comforted by the fact that she hadn’t met housemate, girlfriend or dog, she hadn’t been in your room and that bed, she hadn’t been on your Harley, she hadn’t been to *favourite cafe*.  Everything felt just that little bit cleaner in my head even if it wasn’t true.  Now, especially with your ‘nesting’ to make it nice for her, it feels very tainted and dirty.  I feel humiliated that if I ever see housemate again, he might pity me or wonder if I really know what’s going on.

I was hoping that you might ask me what I wanted for my birthday and I was going to tell you that all I really wanted was to go to lunch on the Harley.  A few weeks ago, that would have been something I feel you would have been delighted to do.  Now, not so much.  It was a clever re-positioning of the Harley too. I think the pressure of my upcoming birthday and our 20th anniversary is taking an emotional toll anyway but to have this happen within 2-3 days of those things feels especially hurtful.  You knew the timing so you must be incredibly naive if you thought you might just be able to slide that under the radar.   

Just in case you are telling yourself that I am not hurting, this email is to tell you otherwise.  I get sooooo frustrated when I hear you say that you don’t want to hurt me again.  It would be such a noble statement if you had, in fact, stopped hurting me.  Every single day that you are confiding in another woman - probably about OUR son and having your needs met, hurts me.  Whatever you are going through and our separation would hurt so much less if that, which you seem to try and make inconsequential, were not happening.  Surely your monkey arms are about ready to fall off.

Am I to read this maiden voyage to our town (that I am sure she is just thrilled about) as your way of being unable to tell me that you are moving ahead with her?  Did you feel like it was time to throw her a bone because of all the pain she has faced in ‘waiting for you’.  Did you just need a break from hurting her for a while and H&F seems to be doing ok cos she is such a strong chick, plus, she probably won’t find out so I will get a breather?  DO NOT do me more dishonour by making me the last to know if you are planning to formalise your relationship with her.  If you already have, DO NOT humiliate me anymore by having me and the kids be the last to know.  You are free to go H.  You have been all along.  So many of the comforts of home but with a girl on the side.  On what planet is that ok?  How did that become my life??


Thanks in advance  :)
BD's in May 09, Sept 12 - suspected OW
Left home Jan 12 2013
OW confirmed Feb 2013
Moved home April 11 2014
BD again in April 2017 - clinging. 
Moved out July 2017
D17, D15 and S14

Now offering Coaching to LBS at http://clarebrownlifecoach.com.au/
40% off for Hero Spouse Members

Time to pay it forward!

Offline GonerinGhana

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Re: Just keep swimming, just keep swimming....
« Reply #29 on: December 01, 2017, 04:31:17 AM »
Too long. Even I was skimming it after a while and I'm not an MLCer.

They don't have the attention span for all those words.

And you also are jumping to conclusions about his intentions. Just stick to the facts and what you feel, not what you think he feels.


 

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