Author Topic: My Story What do you want for Christmas?  (Read 2665 times)

Offline DumbfoundedTopic starter

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My Story What do you want for Christmas?
« on: December 08, 2017, 01:58:10 PM »
Ahhhh... the start of a new thread. Time to pause, review and set some new goals for myself. 

We are now 21 months post BD. Around the 18 month mark I began to feel my strength coming back. I am now more able to deal with the MLC storm that rages all around me. I get up most days now determined to take my life back and kick the sh!t out of Option B. I still have my moments.... I cycle back, fall into negative self talk, throw myself a pity party. But most days I am just trying regroup and decide what I want this brand new life that was forced upon me to look like.   

Yesterday was hard. I was feeling overwhelmed and stressed. Everything around me seems to be in turmoil and I called BFF on my way home to vent. BFF told me that she had just spent the entire day sitting in a leadership conference. She said DF, they promised me that if I fix myself... really work on fixing myself that all the people around me will be magically fixed and I won't have to lift a finger. So, after further discussion we decided that what we needed to do was to go underground for awhile and leave everyone to their own messes and work on fixing ourselves and see if that helped to fix everyone around us.

My MIL has made a grave blanket for my Dad's grave every year since my Dad died in 2008. When I arrived home last night there was a grave blanket on the front steps.

Later last night, I got a text from Leaky Bucket saying he had asked the kids what I wanted for Christmas but they didn't know. Could I let him know what I wanted for Christmas? Really?  How about a divorce, custody of my kids, my home, to not live in fear? I ignored the text. I have no good answer because there is nothing he can buy me that can make up for what he has done to our family.

My GF said maybe he wants to be friendly. I spat back... we are not friends. I told her it takes a lot of piss a Scorpio off but when it happens revenge is inevitable and usually legendary. Today she sent me a mug that says "Not today MuggleF*cker"  - a nod to my love of Harry Potter and my bada$$ self.

This weekend I am rigging up the lights. 

     

       




http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9456.0;all
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline handpuppets

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #1 on: December 08, 2017, 03:35:59 PM »
I know all about that Scorpio urge for revenge. Though I'm confident that in your case, you will rise like a phoenix from the ashes.

I hope you get everything your heart desires for Christmas, DF. <3
“Lighthouses don’t go running all over an island looking for boats to save; they just stand there shining.” -Anne Lamott

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #2 on: December 08, 2017, 05:03:13 PM »


We are now 21 months post BD. Around the 18 month mark I began to feel my strength coming back. I am now more able to deal with the MLC storm that rages all around me. I get up most days now determined to take my life back and kick the sh!t out of Option B. I still have my moments.... I cycle back, fall into negative self talk, throw myself a pity party. But most days I am just trying regroup and decide what I want this brand new life that was forced upon me to look like.   

I'm at 23 months post BD and what you wrote is pretty accurate for me as well, DF.  We're making progress! 

My MIL has made a grave blanket for my Dad's grave every year since my Dad died in 2008. When I arrived home last night there was a grave blanket on the front steps.

That is so thoughtful.  I enjoy reading about MILs who continue to treat their DILs with the love and respect they deserve.  Your MIL sure came through with the grave blanket.

Later last night, I got a text from Leaky Bucket saying he had asked the kids what I wanted for Christmas but they didn't know. Could I let him know what I wanted for Christmas? Really?  How about a divorce, custody of my kids, my home, to not live in fear? I ignored the text. I have no good answer because there is nothing he can buy me that can make up for what he has done to our family.

This blows my mind.  All that has transpired over the last 21 months and his focus is on what to buy you for Christmas?!   :o   Wow. 

This weekend I am rigging up the lights. 

Fabulous plan.....and I'll be putting up the tree, decorating it and doing some Christmas baking.  We've got this, DF! 

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9456.0;all

Welcome to your new thread!
After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline StoneFrog

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #3 on: December 09, 2017, 12:02:37 AM »
Attaching. A lovely gesture from MIL.

I love that you are getting so confident and strong. Go you!

Offline Never say never

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #4 on: December 09, 2017, 05:13:12 AM »
Attaching, DF ...

How thoughtful of your MIL.  Just imagine how bad she must feel, knowing what her son is doing.

Your bada$$ self is doing just great!!

Online CanLetGo

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #5 on: December 09, 2017, 05:23:44 AM »
Following DF x
Me 44
H 47
3 young adult kids
BD December 2013, left home August 2014
OW 17 years younger

Offline 1phoenix

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #6 on: December 09, 2017, 05:28:47 AM »
It is amazing how the world changes when one decides to 'fix' themselves.

The colors of the world change as well as everyone around you.  It can be done, it takes time and patience with yourself and everyone around you.

Are you up to that internal challenge?  It might take away your anger and need for vengeance. 

Can't wait to see your progress.
I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear — Nelson Mandela

I never lose.  I either win or learn! - Nelson Mandela

For we have fallen from our shelves, To face the truth about ourselves.  "The Gift", Annie Lennox

"You must do the thing you think you cannot do."  Eleanor Roosevelt

Grace makes beauty out of ugly things.  U2 "Grace"

We have all been dealt a hand of cards in this game of life.   Are you going to play or fold?

"Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose." Yoda

Offline DumbfoundedTopic starter

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #7 on: December 11, 2017, 11:37:18 AM »
Thank you all for joining the crazy MLC Christmas ride my cyber friends.

I have gone and sent myself down the rabbit hole this weekend. I know it is not what is happening around me that controls my emotions but but my thoughts about what is happening...  but yeah I went all monkey brain and now I am feeling the Christmas MLC blues.

I went out Friday night to do some Christmas shopping while H took the kids out for dinner and Christmas shopping. I guess it was too much for Leaky Bucket
because S ended up having basketball practice from 6:30-7:15 and D texted at 8:30 they were home. I stayed at S's practice until 6:50  I am trying to understand basketball so when S talks to me I can understand what he is talking about) and no sign of H. When I got home at 10:30 D was sitting on the couch eating what appeared to me to be a whole sandwich from the local pizza place.   ???  I stopped asking questions because the answers never make any sense anyway.

Then I get a text from H that he needs the kids at 10:00 Saturday morning for Christmas shopping. D is totally annoyed because she works Saturdays and S just hates shopping. So, I ask.... who are you shopping for?  You Mom... and maybe H's Mom.  D asks me for list. So I make a list of small suggestions of things I want for Christmas socks, a sweatshirt, earrings... and then I included in my list a little bit of hidden evil because I know H will see the list.

Three years ago the kids and I wanted a puppy. Actually not true.... the kids and I have wanted a puppy for years.  H did not want a puppy and kept saying that we could get a puppy when the kids were older and could help take care of it.  Three years ago the kids were 12 and 8. I decided the time had come... it was now or never as D would be off to college in less than 5 years. H threw a fit. He told me he would not have any responsibility for a dog. So, I saved up, did all the research and just before the kids turned 13 and 9 we brought home a puppy. She is the world's best dog. I mean we could not have asked for a better puppy experience. Everyone loves her... well except H. In hindsight, I guess she took up a piece of H's attention pie and added another layer of responsibility onto the house.  H never bonded with the dog and would sometimes say we didn't have time for her and should consider re-homing her which was laughable as she laid in a pile on the floor with the kids watching tv.

I include pet expenses as separate line item on the divorce worksheet for alimony and I snicker.

Anyway, I was careful making my list as I didn't want to give H too much of a glimpse into my life. I was also annoyed because the kids and I had planned to put up the outside Christmas lights Saturday and now H was taking them off Christmas shopping. This meant I was stuck doing the lights by myself - and it was supposed to snow Saturday.  So, when I got the bottom I added "a puppy" to my list and I snickered.  I would love to have another dog. But financially it is not feasible right now. Then I texted my list to the kids. As expected, they went crazy over the puppy idea.  Really Mom? A puppy? Are you serious?

So, Saturday morning I went off to yoga at 9:00 a.m. to try and mentally prepare myself to do the lights alone in a snowstorm. I ran a few errand and when I got home at 11:22 both kids were home, miserable and starving for lunch. Apparently, the puppy idea didn't go over with Dad and they got yelled at for even talking about it. Snort. So, the kids and I went off to lunch and got a new blow up for the front yard. We came home and spent 3 hours in a snowstorm putting up the outside lights. We joked with each other about putting too much snow in places and making it look fake. I only dropped the f bomb once and we all came inside for hot coco to warm up and wait to see if the timers we installed worked at sundown.

There was a big whoop of joy when the lights went on at dusk and we ordered pizza to celebrate.

Then I get thinky - I just don't understand it. How can H pull up to the house on Friday night to pick up his kids and see it all dark and all the neighbors houses all lit up. How does he not feel bad that the house his kids live in doesn't have any Christmas lights? How can he not be here to see the whooping of his kids when the lights all come one? How can he not be here Christmas morning? How can he just walk away from all of our traditions and the things that brought us joy this time of the year?  How do you look yourself in the mirror every morning knowing how much money you make and not offer one cent to make Christmas morning happen for your kids? What is he doing that is more important than his kids? What is wrong with this person? Who does this? And down the rabbit hole I went.....         

         

       

   

 
« Last Edit: December 11, 2017, 11:53:17 AM by Dumbfounded »
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #8 on: December 11, 2017, 06:27:16 PM »

Then I get thinky - I just don't understand it. How can H pull up to the house on Friday night to pick up his kids and see it all dark and all the neighbors houses all lit up. How does he not feel bad that the house his kids live in doesn't have any Christmas lights? How can he not be here to see the whooping of his kids when the lights all come one? How can he not be here Christmas morning? How can he just walk away from all of our traditions and the things that brought us joy this time of the year?  How do you look yourself in the mirror every morning knowing how much money you make and not offer one cent to make Christmas morning happen for your kids? What is he doing that is more important than his kids? What is wrong with this person? Who does this? And down the rabbit hole I went.....         


I think it happens to most of us, DF. 

The nice thing about the LBS rabbit hole is that there are several of us down there at any given time and we do a nice job of encouraging each other to get the heck out of said hole! 

Nice job on the lights, my friend.  I'm so proud of myself for just having gotten the tree up yesterday.  I plugged that beauty in when I got home from work tonight and just stood all by myself enjoying how pretty it looked.  Too bad for you, crazy MLCers. 

And hey.....that puppy scenario was my laugh for the day.  Thanks for that!   ;D
After all, tomorrow is another day.

Online CanLetGo

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #9 on: December 12, 2017, 04:35:18 AM »
Re the puppy, so naughty DF, but so funny 😂

Well done on the lights, a big achievement. I don’t get how they can miss out on this stuff either. But, I guess in some ways we are the lucky ones, we do still get to enjoy all of this stuff with our kids. Enjoy your yard, again well done 😊
Me 44
H 47
3 young adult kids
BD December 2013, left home August 2014
OW 17 years younger

Offline DumbfoundedTopic starter

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #10 on: December 12, 2017, 08:42:54 AM »
Awwww.... SB you made the rabbit hole sound like a warm, cozy place to hang out with all my LBS friends safe from the big, bad world. I like that idea. I am so glad you got your tree up and are enjoying it.

CLG - Thanks for the support. Yes, we really are the lucky ones.

Well, I have turned myself around yet again. LB dropped S off from basketball practice last night while I was at my yoga class. I was sitting in my cross legged yoga pose, eyes closed thinking "firetruck you - I put the inside AND outside lights up you crazy MLCer". I hope he choked when he pulled up in the driveway.

Sunday I was exhausted. S had a basketball game quite a distance away and I spent the morning sitting across the gym from LB with my monkey brain trying not to walk over to him and try to talk sense to him. I wanted quite badly to talk to the old H who I am sure would understand the craziness of the situation I am in right now. But alas, he is too busy pretending to be father of the year with the coach and assistant coaches to see that he is ignoring his S.

The game was up by my sister's house and so S and I stopped in for a visit. Their house was full tilt crazy with a dog that had appeared to have suffered a stroke overnight and a 3 year old starting preschool this week and my brother and SIL coming in this week for my Aunt's services.  So, we helped as best we could there (they had to put the dog down yesterday) and then S and I headed off to the cemetery to put down the grave blanket for my father that MIL had made. It was cold and snowy at the cemetery and I really wanted to sit and talk with my Dad for awhile - but I promised him I would come back in warmer weather with a bottle of wine.

My brother finally sent me an e-mail yesterday about him and SIL saying he wanted me to know that they had agreed to separate in January before he came East and he was hoping the trip was not to awkward for anyone.  It is so odd - nothing he wrote in his e-mail matches what SIL has said to me. Nothing SIL has told me matches what my sister has told me. No wonder our inlaws are so confused. I am really struggling to figure out how to deal with brother when he lands here on Thursday night. Sigh.

           

     
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline Treasur

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #11 on: December 12, 2017, 09:02:12 AM »
I was sitting in my cross legged yoga pose, eyes closed thinking "firetruck you - I put the inside AND outside lights up you crazy MLCer".

Not a traditional yoga mantra...but it made me laugh out loud  ;D
BD - Oct 15, mostly silent vanishing husband, diagnosed with severe depression in Dec 15 & seeing psychiatrist/on ADs since then
OW since Apr 16, maybe earlier?
H filed Jan 17.
80/20 strategy for me in 2018

"her soul is fierce, her heart is brave, her mind is strong." R.H Sin
Grace is...Elegance, good will, unearned blessings, a prayer of thanks and how to address a duchess.
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online CanLetGo

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #12 on: December 12, 2017, 12:31:18 PM »
I was sitting in my cross legged yoga pose, eyes closed thinking "firetruck you - I put the inside AND outside lights up you crazy MLCer".

Not a traditional yoga mantra...but it made me laugh out loud  ;D

😂😂😂
Me 44
H 47
3 young adult kids
BD December 2013, left home August 2014
OW 17 years younger

Offline DumbfoundedTopic starter

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #13 on: December 12, 2017, 01:05:42 PM »
I am back with my monkey brain again.

Today is H's Grandmother's 91st birthday. On Sunday, H had invited the kids to cake and ice cream tonight at the house to celebrate. S has a basketball game scheduled for tonight so I wasn't quite sure how that was going to work but I stayed quiet because - well, not my circus anymore.  Last night, while S was at practice, H sent the kids a text telling them that S has a basketball game and they have all been spared going to the birthday party (smiley face).  Maybe it is just me me but yikes - way to appreciate your grandmother H and pass that love and appreciation on to her grandkids.

I spent a few minutes trying to decide if I should send a gift and then decided that Grandmom doesn't have a whole lot of time left to wait around for her jerk of a grandson to come to his senses.  So, I sent her a Happy Birthday cookie basket. Plus, I get the added joy of knowing my name is sitting around on a card in H's house wishing his family member Happy Birthday.       
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Online CanLetGo

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #14 on: December 12, 2017, 01:58:58 PM »
That was a lovely thing to do DF, in a world of Leaky Buckets, be DF I say 😊
Me 44
H 47
3 young adult kids
BD December 2013, left home August 2014
OW 17 years younger

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #15 on: December 12, 2017, 08:49:38 PM »

My brother finally sent me an e-mail yesterday about him and SIL saying he wanted me to know that they had agreed to separate in January before he came East and he was hoping the trip was not to awkward for anyone.  It is so odd - nothing he wrote in his e-mail matches what SIL has said to me. Nothing SIL has told me matches what my sister has told me. No wonder our inlaws are so confused. I am really struggling to figure out how to deal with brother when he lands here on Thursday night. Sigh.


I just asked you over on my thread about your brother and SIL.  I couldn't remember when your Aunt's service was.  So will your SIL be staying with you?  What a mess.   
After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #16 on: December 12, 2017, 09:18:28 PM »
Attaching DF.  Laughing about the puppy, and your MLCers response to that request.

WTG on the outside lights!

Awww, I'm glad that you sent something to his Gma.
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9711.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline DumbfoundedTopic starter

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #17 on: December 13, 2017, 11:12:19 AM »
What a crazy ride December is turning out to be.

My Aunt's services are this coming Saturday. Brother is flying in tonight. Who is coming with him is anybody's guess. Mom, sister and I keep comparing notes.. and finally decided that we won't know for sure who all is coming until we get to the airport tonight. SIL and I texted a bit last night and she asked if she thought it was going to be awkward id she came and I told her only if I hit brother in the head with a shovel at the service on Saturday. I told her again that she was welcome at my house whenever.

Off to S's basketball practice last night. D decided to tag along. When LB saw her there he came over and hugged her and kissed her and told her he loved her. D is NOT a hugger. She was not happy. Then he went and sat with his new basketball friend Dad and I could hear them talking sports and he ignored D and me for the rest of the time.  ???  S's team won and D, S and I went out for a celebratory dinner.  As I was following LB out of the parking lot, I snickered knowing that he was going home to a basket of cookies from me and the kids to Grandmom. 

Anyway, this morning I got a message from H's cousin who was at cake and ice cream for Grandmom last night. She said she had no idea about LB and I and that she asked MIL about me and MIL burst into tears and then Grandmom started crying and, on cue, the doorbell rang and my cookie basket was delivered and everyone started crying.  They all said they were heartbroken and missed me and they were so angry with LB. She said that MIL is so sad and heart broken and I should reach out to her because she thinks I am mad and rightfully so.  Sigh.

So ,LB went home to cookies and crying relatives. Ha!

So, I cry this morning and then when I get to work there is an offer from LB's attorney with a request to postpone next weeks court date. Or it is the start of an offer anyway. I won't get into the mess of it but it is so funny the things he is focused on.  He is still annoyed about the credit card that I removed him as an authorized user on. He thinks I am just going to hand over the car with no credit to me. He wants 50% of an account that contains my half of a joint account that was already divided up plus half of the tax return he already agreed to give me.  He already got his half - I saved my half and he spent his.  :o  But he seems to have given up on the full custody thing except that he is still crying about overnights. Um ... you live in a 3 bedroom rancher with 4 other people. Where do you think the kids are going to sleep?

Nothing about Christmas visitation with the kids.

And tonight my brother and SIL come in.... gotta get my bada$$ self all tuned up for a very dysfunctional weekend. 
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline DumbfoundedTopic starter

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #18 on: December 13, 2017, 11:17:02 AM »
Come to think of it there is no mention of the dog in his offer. Huh.
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline StoneFrog

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #19 on: December 13, 2017, 11:54:29 AM »

So ,LB went home to cookies and crying relatives. Ha!
;D What a nice reaction they all had. Isn't it nice to hear that you're missed?

I can relate to H having unrealistic visions of overnights. Mine actually wants them to sleep at MIL's floor two night every other week. You know, since he doesn't want them to know about OW, nor would they fit in OW's apartment.

Also, loved your yoga mantra. Good for you!

Online CanLetGo

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #20 on: December 13, 2017, 04:40:10 PM »
All happening DF, remember to keep breathing! I hope you have some time off over Xmas, and there will be a little bit of DF time in there somewhere. Life gets crazy enough this time of year, even without a LB.
Me 44
H 47
3 young adult kids
BD December 2013, left home August 2014
OW 17 years younger

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #21 on: December 13, 2017, 04:45:43 PM »
DF I found you again!! You have such a wonderful  way with words. You always have me cracking up too!!

So.....cookie-gate.  Funny, I sent a couple bottles of champagne to sil at her wedding in Charleston that I couldn’t be at. Apparently that was opened in front of the entire family and....wait for it...tears from mil, and 3 sils. Bill is angry and other bil refuses to speak to H. This is HIS family. 

Seriously feel like we are living parallel lives with twin MLCers!

But. I am really happy to hear mil has stepped up for you! I always had a rocky R with my mil. This experience seems to have softened her. Perhaps the same is happening with yours!

Hugs my bada$$ friend!
Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Offline beyondblessed

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #22 on: December 13, 2017, 05:16:53 PM »
Hey, DF, I'm late to your party as uusal, but thought I'd confirm with everyone here that once you do figure your own $h!te out, your life becomes exponentially better.  Once ID worked out my own short comings, internal issues, and kinks, the universe started blessing me and hasn't stopped.  From friends, suitors, opportunities both personal and job related..  the blessing areally too many to be merely coincidence.

Keep being your bad@$$ self.  You are on the same track!

Merry Christmas, my friend!  I continue to cheer you on and hope you and your kiddos have an amazing holiday season!

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #23 on: December 13, 2017, 05:42:13 PM »
Dysfunctional weekend indeed, DF! 

Good thing you are up for handling it. 

Cookiegate - I love it. 
After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline DumbfoundedTopic starter

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #24 on: December 13, 2017, 10:02:30 PM »
Well I just got back from the airport. Brother has arrived with SIL and my niece. My nephew had an obligation back home and was not able to come. I suspect he is upset about the current situation with his parents and perhaps that had something to do with his absence.

So it was snowing like a blizzard tonight and that kept the East coasters entertained for the journey home from the airport. Whew!

I am glad you are all here when I got home. It is like a snug little rabbit hole safe from the MLC storm outside.

Stone - What is wrong with  these MLCers? The kids have warm beds at home. That is where they should be. Not sleeping on floors and couches because of their bad choices.

CLG - Unfortunately I don’t have any time off until the end of the year. Just a mad dash to 2018 for me. But we were just in Florida so I can’t complain too much.

KIT - I am glad you are with me again my friend. Cookie gate- a much needed laugh today. Thank you.

Beyond - thank you, thank you for being a light for me in the darkness. I am glad you are still here cheering for me.

SB ((Hugs))

I am just feeling weepy and so grateful for all of you tonight. Sweet dreams my LBS friends.

Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #25 on: December 15, 2017, 04:22:56 PM »
DF, your D sounds a lot like mine.  My D is not a hugger either.  I bet they'd get along well!

I hope that you are having an okay start to your weekend with your B and SIL and niece.

S17's F tried to pull the same overnight thing when S17 was little.  He and his W lived in a studio apartment and wanted S17 (who was 2 1/2) to sleep on the couch.  Nope, no way.  We had built into the parenting schedule that S17 had to have his own bedroom and his own bed, so they had to move before they could get overnight's with him.
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9711.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline DumbfoundedTopic starter

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #26 on: December 16, 2017, 02:33:59 PM »
I need advice. Got a long text today from Leaky Bucket during my Aunt’s service. Basically he has been “thinking about Christmas” and he wants to take the kids out to Christmas Eve dinner with his family (which I expected) and then he wants to come over Christmas morning to watch the kids open presents :o. (not expected) which he thinks “the kids would like”.  There is a cease and desist letter ... no house, no car... leave DF alone.

I have no idea how to respond to this nonsense. Just 🤔
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Online moc

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #27 on: December 16, 2017, 05:43:59 PM »
DF: joining late to the sitch, but I think I caught up a bit.  What do you feel like you want to to do?  If you feel uncomfortable, tell him NO.  IMHO, I say, NO.  If you have a CEASE and DESIST, that trumps!  Pay the piper Leaky Bucket.  Protect your heart.  You said it after the last 3 ...  leave DF alone.

Just my 2 cents.

peace to you!
~ avoiding the Damn Foolish Idealistic Narcissistic Crusade ~ MLC

~ MLCers: one fruitcake short of a Christmas

Offline Treasur

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #28 on: December 17, 2017, 12:27:57 AM »
Logic would be say yes to Christmas Eve (if that's what the kids want) and no to Christmas morning because of the cease & desist note....or, if kids don't want that, a 'no thank you given the circs' reply...so what is in your head as well as that? He's probably right on the timeline for a few feeble reconnection tries...maybe Xmas Eve is a good compromise that protects you from crazy but allows for something positive with the kids?

Do you have an unscratched LBS itch? What would suit you best?
« Last Edit: December 17, 2017, 12:34:40 AM by Treasur »
BD - Oct 15, mostly silent vanishing husband, diagnosed with severe depression in Dec 15 & seeing psychiatrist/on ADs since then
OW since Apr 16, maybe earlier?
H filed Jan 17.
80/20 strategy for me in 2018

"her soul is fierce, her heart is brave, her mind is strong." R.H Sin
Grace is...Elegance, good will, unearned blessings, a prayer of thanks and how to address a duchess.
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Tyks

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #29 on: December 17, 2017, 03:13:44 AM »
DF, what did Christmas morning look like last year? Did he ask to come over? Was he there? Just curious if this is his way of showing more interest due to the legalities that are going on.

Do what feels good for you, DF :)
Me 48
Him 48
22 years together - Married 20
BD1 - August 26, 2016 - ILYBINILWY
BD 2 - August 28, 2016 - OW discovered EA - Kicked him out - currently separated
D15 D18

April 2017 - Legal Separation Agreement
August 2017 - I filed for divorce

Offline 1phoenix

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #30 on: December 17, 2017, 04:56:16 AM »
Always late here, sorry.

Why not let him have them Christmas Eve? 

If you have a no contact order so that he is not allowed into your home, why would you risk losing that?  What about Skype or FaceTime? 
I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear — Nelson Mandela

I never lose.  I either win or learn! - Nelson Mandela

For we have fallen from our shelves, To face the truth about ourselves.  "The Gift", Annie Lennox

"You must do the thing you think you cannot do."  Eleanor Roosevelt

Grace makes beauty out of ugly things.  U2 "Grace"

We have all been dealt a hand of cards in this game of life.   Are you going to play or fold?

"Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose." Yoda

Offline StoneFrog

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #31 on: December 17, 2017, 04:57:14 AM »
You do what's best for you. In case you're not sure, you ask if it's important to the kids. The MLCers sure keep on surprising.

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #32 on: December 17, 2017, 05:29:02 AM »
I hate losing even 1 second of my boys time on holidays so I’m sorry about Christmas Eve. That is a big deal in my fam so I hope you are ok with that. Christmas am? Well, no. 1....What do YOU want. No. 2, how do the kids feel? Finally, this seems like a pretty huge step for LB in his MLC journey. The choice for a continued R usually rests with the lbs. so again,  what does DF want? This must come as a surprise and maybe even conjuring up some emotions you thought you’d lost. Nothing about this journey is easy for anyone. Just make sure your decision is based on what your heart wants and what your head says is right. No emotion-based knee jerk reaction or anything out of spite. (I say that bc that is how I reacted a lot though you handle things better than I have!!). You got this! Good luck bada$$!
Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Offline Never say never

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #33 on: December 17, 2017, 06:33:35 AM »
DF, if you will be okay on Christmas Eve without the kids AND if the kids want to be with husband to go out for dinner, I would think that is fine.  I would leave it up to the kids, though, on where they want to spend the time.

As for Christmas morning and opening the presents at your house, if there is a cease and desist letter, I wouldn't do it.  There is no need for it.  If they are going to spend Christmas Eve with him, he can do his gift exchange with them then.  No need for any awkwardness with all of you. 

Again, how do the kids feel about everything??

Offline DumbfoundedTopic starter

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #34 on: December 17, 2017, 06:14:25 PM »
I will begin with Tyks question about Christmas last year. LB asked to come home for Christmas Eve and I believed that he had come to his senses and happily agreed. He stayed the night Christmas Eve and Christmas night and then packed his stuff the next day and left again with some lame excuse ripping out all our hearts. He was distant and zombie like the whole time he was here and I was concerned for his mental health. He vanished after Christmas for days and resurfaced at New Years wanting to go to BFF’s party with us. I was a wreck and we had a big fight and I told him he just couldn’t keep coming and going from our lives. The kids and I went to the party alone and LB vanished for months.

The kids and I had already discussed Christmas Eve as they wanted to go to dinner with the inlaws as usual and then to candlelight service at church with me and my Mom afterwards. So, Christmas Eve is really not a problem although LB asked for the kids for a few hours earlier in the afternoon and I am fine with that too.

But Christmas morning... whoa there. He has contributed nothing for Christmas morning. I am
killing myself trying to put together a Christmas morning that somewhat resembles what they are used to with no help from him whatsoever. I put up all the lights, bought and wrapped all the presents and he is just going to waltz in here and suck it all up Christmas morning like Santa Daddy. I can’t believe he even had the nerve to ask me. So, the plan is I get excluded from all his family’s activities on Christmas Eve and sit home alone and he is somehow entitled to be a part of my Christmas morning with the kids. Is he fire trucking kidding me?

Well, of course the kids would like it. Mom and Dad back together again for Christmas. Best present ever- except it is just a selfish ploy to have a Christmas morning story for the coworkers without putting in a lick of work or, in the alternative, a see how evil my W is story. It is a no win situation for me.

Did I mention that LB has requested an adjournment of next week’s court date and in response my attorney stated that he had not contacted me regarding Christmas or made any offer to assist with the kids gifts. So, now he looks bad and probably got yelled out by his attorney. So he figures let his Mommy pay for and plan Christmas Eve and let DF take care of Christmas morning and he will nap the rest of the day.

I am just a mess. I had to deal with my Aunt’s funeral, my estranged, alcoholic uncle, LB’s text, my MLC brother and the most gut wrenching goodbye with my SIL yesterday - both of us crying and sobbing in my mother’s kitchen wiping each other’s tears like it was the end of the world.

My heart is not designed for this life of disposable relationships. My heart can hold no more sorrow, my shoulders can carry no more pain. I feel like I am sitting in the rubble of what used to be my beautiful life and I just don’t even know where to start rebuilding or if it is even worth the effort.
« Last Edit: December 17, 2017, 06:19:07 PM by Dumbfounded »
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #35 on: December 17, 2017, 06:26:18 PM »

My heart is not designed for this life of disposable relationships. My heart can hold no more sorrow, my shoulders can carry no more pain. I feel like I am sitting in the rubble of what used to be my beautiful life and I just don’t even know where to start rebuilding or if it is even worth the effort.

I am so, so sorry you are at this spot right now, DF.  The hurt and pain must be horrific. 

I offer no advice on what to do about Christmas morning.  You are, as my dad used to say, between a rock and a hard place. 

I am offering a cyber shoulder to lean on, as well as all the cyber support I can muster.  Hugs, my friend. 
After all, tomorrow is another day.

Online CanLetGo

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #36 on: December 17, 2017, 07:14:32 PM »
Wow, when you write it out like that, LB joining you for Xmas morning is a lot more impactful than I first thought. It is a big deal, not just him popping over and joining in to be civil. It really is very unfair. Sorry your SIL and you had that moment, but also I am glad that you have each other. The disposable R statement is true, it’s just so sad and unnecessary. Take care DF, thinking of you x
Me 44
H 47
3 young adult kids
BD December 2013, left home August 2014
OW 17 years younger

Offline Treasur

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #37 on: December 17, 2017, 11:32:51 PM »
I am just a mess. I had to deal with my Aunt’s funeral, my estranged, alcoholic uncle, LB’s text, my MLC brother and the most gut wrenching goodbye with my SIL yesterday - both of us crying and sobbing in my mother’s kitchen wiping each other’s tears like it was the end of the world.

My heart is not designed for this life of disposable relationships. My heart can hold no more sorrow, my shoulders can carry no more pain. I feel like I am sitting in the rubble of what used to be my beautiful life and I just don’t even know where to start rebuilding or if it is even worth the effort.

Honour that, DF. Your life and your kids' life is worth the effort. But maybe the first step in rebuilding is to say 'no more bulldozers allowed, no more sorrow if I can prevent it'...I got to here a couple of months ago, when my soul just said 'enough'. I might not be able to make happy or ignore the current pain, but I will not shop for more or let anyone try to add to it. Enough.

Looking from the outside, the smartest safest choice seems to be yes to Christmas Eve and no to Christmas Day. Yes to being civil and letting your H see his kids. No to another zombie waft in and out that won't make you or your kids feel better on Christmas Day. Yes to a tough new reality. No to faking it to make MLC H feel or look good. Just my 2 cents FWIW.
BD - Oct 15, mostly silent vanishing husband, diagnosed with severe depression in Dec 15 & seeing psychiatrist/on ADs since then
OW since Apr 16, maybe earlier?
H filed Jan 17.
80/20 strategy for me in 2018

"her soul is fierce, her heart is brave, her mind is strong." R.H Sin
Grace is...Elegance, good will, unearned blessings, a prayer of thanks and how to address a duchess.
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Tyks

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #38 on: December 18, 2017, 02:37:02 AM »
Awe, DF, your life really is worth rebuilding. It is just that for some reason we need to go through this tough part to get there. I havn't figured out the why of that yet and when I do i will be sure to share.

As for Christmas, you pretty well hit all the nails on the heads. You just need to tell LB how you feel. Tell him exactly what you wrote here if you need to.

Now you got me thinking... heading over to my thread now to journal.
Me 48
Him 48
22 years together - Married 20
BD1 - August 26, 2016 - ILYBINILWY
BD 2 - August 28, 2016 - OW discovered EA - Kicked him out - currently separated
D15 D18

April 2017 - Legal Separation Agreement
August 2017 - I filed for divorce

Offline heroIam

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #39 on: December 18, 2017, 07:56:08 AM »
Hi DF.
We are all here for you.  You have come through this far.  Don't stop now.
It's a tough time, these holidays.  And exacerbated by not so good stuff going on around you. 
Believe in yourself to pick up the pieces and shake off the dust.  One day at a time.  It's easy to let everything pile up in your head and heart.  You have to go easy, one day at a time. 
Yes, it all does get tiring and......we go on. 
Hugs DF.

“In the end, you’ve got to be your own hero because everyone’s busy trying to save themselves.”

Offline DumbfoundedTopic starter

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #40 on: December 18, 2017, 12:20:28 PM »
Well, Leaky Bucket is leaking all over the place this week.

Apparently, I didn't answer him fast enough and he went all boo hoo to his attorney first thing this morning.  My attorney made it all easy. She said you don't really want him in your house on Christmas do you... I don't think it is a good idea. It will ruin your whole day.

Um no.... and she was off and running ready to shoot him down before he even took flight out of the bush.  And it was over and painless just like that.  Thank you God for small miracles.     
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Online CanLetGo

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #41 on: December 18, 2017, 04:18:39 PM »
That’s good news DF, sounds like you have good support from your lawyer, problem sorted 😊
Me 44
H 47
3 young adult kids
BD December 2013, left home August 2014
OW 17 years younger

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #42 on: December 18, 2017, 09:21:42 PM »
Thinking of you and sending some hugs DF. 

I'm glad that your L helped you get it all figured out.  I'm so sad reading about you and SIL.  You touched my heart strings there as I feel the same way seeing the struggle with my MLCer B and my SIL.
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9711.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline DumbfoundedTopic starter

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #43 on: December 19, 2017, 10:37:18 AM »
My lawyer sent the Christmas counter-proposal off this morning. So utterly stupid.

Now he wants to be allowed back in the house to pack up the rest of his things. Um... no. He had unlimited access to the house for a year after he moved out. If he didn't take his crap that is not my problem. Send me a list of the "things" and I will pack them up and put them in the garage. He is really bugging to get back in the house. Reminded me of SB and her MLCers recent visit to her property.

Also, H was all clingy last night at S's basketball game. Another hugging/kissing session for D. H told D she should answer his texts sometime. D just looked at him and said "sometimes I forget".  H sat next to us at S's game and tried to talk to me about the game.  Yeah ... no.  I ignored him. Then he had to go chat up the coach and walked out to the car with us after the game and when the three of us got in my truck, H just stood there outside the truck looking in at us. I thought ... dude you better move because I am not as nice as I used to be.   
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Online CanLetGo

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #44 on: December 19, 2017, 12:58:20 PM »
Someone feeling nostalgic for his family for the holiday season? You are different to a lot of posters DF, I think a lot would say, oh MLC is being nice, what does this mean/he must want to sort things out, or would let H in the house to be nice so he will change his mind. Your strength is very impressive.
Me 44
H 47
3 young adult kids
BD December 2013, left home August 2014
OW 17 years younger

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #45 on: December 19, 2017, 03:17:19 PM »

Now he wants to be allowed back in the house to pack up the rest of his things. Um... no. He had unlimited access to the house for a year after he moved out. If he didn't take his crap that is not my problem. Send me a list of the "things" and I will pack them up and put them in the garage. He is really bugging to get back in the house. Reminded me of SB and her MLCers recent visit to her property.


Well, you're lots nicer than me.  I wouldn't even let mine in the garage 18 months after BD!  I put everything outside on the blacktop and sent him a text to come and pick it up.  His divorce had been final for over a year and he'd already married Mrs. Six Surnames.

Most of my family, his family, and our friends thought I was pretty nice to even let him still have his things.  They thought I should have sold them or discarded what I didn't want.  I still figure I've been more than kind and fair to somebody that has treated me worse than anybody in my whole life has. 

DF, you have your hands full with your MLCer.  Do what you feel you have to do and what you can live with.  Sending support.   
After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline DumbfoundedTopic starter

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #46 on: December 19, 2017, 07:29:21 PM »
CLG - you spoke too soon about the problem being sorted. I have had a few friends tell me that LB is trying to be friendly and maybe it is an olive branch and oh how nice a joint Christmas morning would be for the kids. Smells like control to me. I am excluded from ALL of his family activities surrounding the holidays and the few hours I get with my kids to open the presents Christmas morning he wants to be there overseeing the whole operation. Heck no.  I don't have to set myself on fire to keep other people warm. 

So, Leaky Bucket wasn't happy about the no thanks to Christmas morning. Now he wants the kids for all day Christmas Eve and an undetermined amount of time on Christmas Day (he won't give me times) so he can exchange presents with them.  That was no olive branch folks. That was a hot poker and I am glad I didn't reach for it. 

D is not having any of it. All day at dysfunction junction on Christmas Eve with Leaky Bucket. Nope. Nope. Nope. Door slam. S doesn't care. All day there, all day here... doesn't matter to him.

After a long search, I think I have finally found a therapist for me and the kids. I think D is ok. She can smell a rat and place a boundary like nobody's business.  But S is getting pushed around by LB and confused by all the shiny toys and he is showing some signs of struggling with it all. I think he could use some coping skills and a third party to talk to about the whole mess. And I need someone that will push me and not take my excuses. It is time to get to work on moving forward for me because Beyond keeps promising me that life can be amazing and I want to see it for myself.

SB - I am really not nicer than you. LB is not going in the garage. He can let me know when he will be by to pick them up and I plan to put them in the driveway. I told my attorney that I want a date certain for pick up and then I am putting the packed up things at the curb on the next trash day. Or I am setting them on fire.  Haven't decided yet.  But I learned all that from watching your pole barn debacle. 

FW - I spent much of the last few days going back and forth with my SIL. She is still a newbie and hurting like crazy. I keep telling her that she will always be my sister and welcome in my home, that I expect her to get up and be a badass and protect herself and her kids when she is ready and that OW is a screwed up person and is not welcome on my doorstep and if she mistreats my niece and nephew in my presence I will hurt her.

Well, I took the day off tomorrow for the court date but since LB postponed it until January, I will try and get Christmas and a few other things sorted. My microwave is finally in and will be installed on Saturday!!       
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Online CanLetGo

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #47 on: December 19, 2017, 07:52:31 PM »
A toddler tantrum, he can’t see why he can’t have everything his way, even though he’s caused this situation. I love ‘dysfunction junction’ 😂

Again, the strength of D and yourself shines through in your writing. She’s her mother’s daughter, smart and sassy. Your care of your SIL is just beautiful. I’m just a bit in love with you right now DF 😂

Good that H postponed the hearing, gives you a chance to have a free day at such a busy time, good timing. If he thinks he’s playing with you, sorry H you lose 😡
Me 44
H 47
3 young adult kids
BD December 2013, left home August 2014
OW 17 years younger

Offline DumbfoundedTopic starter

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #48 on: December 19, 2017, 08:13:57 PM »
CLG a toddler tantrum is correct. There are consequences to treating your family like poo. One is that they don't want you around anymore treating them like poo. It is not rocket science.

Oh Lord is D ever her mother's daughter. A force to be reckoned with for sure. SIL and I were talking about things the other night and we were talking about how there are three reactions a person can have.... fight, freeze or flee.... and we both married freezers and we are both hands down fighters. D is freezer... and we were joking with D that she is the frozen rabbit that gets eaten by the fighting lions and but she has fighter potential because she get a good angry jab in before she freezes.  My S tends to flee. I was hounding S about something for school last night and I turned around and he was gone and D said "he fled" and we both burst out laughing.

I just had to knock on D's bedroom door to get the paperwork signed for her drivers permit.  She is still fuming. Good luck with that LB.     
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline Mybeautifulfamily

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #49 on: December 19, 2017, 08:24:22 PM »
DF was just following along your thread and you have me LOL. Hard to do at this stage of LBS!! Thanks for the laughs! I needed them!

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #50 on: December 19, 2017, 08:32:21 PM »
Setting them on fire!!  Bahaha.......

Stupid pole barn debacle.  It's still standing out there in all its glory.   ::)

All day Christmas Eve day and hours on Christmas Day too.  Well, well, well......guess somebody got all cranky pants when they didn't get to call the shots.  Seems pretty script.

I am glad you are giving your SIL so much support.   Maybe she'd like to join us here!   ;)

Hang in there, DF.  We'll get through this, of that I'm certain. 
After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #51 on: December 19, 2017, 08:36:15 PM »
LB wants all of Christmas Eve and part of Christmas. Ummmmm, no.  I guess if he included you in his family plans, I could see allowing him over. But he wants his cake and eat it too. Like a petulant child. Ug—I’m sorry DF! Mine is embarking on what appears to be yet another touch and go and I’m bracing for it. These people are not easy to deal with. They are sad around the holidays and want us to suddenly have empathy for them when they’ve treated us pretty horrifically. Just shoes their emotional immaturity. Hang in there. Sounds like you’ve got this one bada$$
Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Online moc

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #52 on: December 19, 2017, 09:38:16 PM »
KIT and others: thanks for letting me read.  YOU ARE SO HILARIOUS!  I needed that.

I am sure my Crisis Queen will be sad at the holidays (just barely past few months BD) as she said it is going to be HARD on her.  Oh stop crying you big baby and put your big girl pants on.  As some of my sons teachers have said: You Get What You Get And You Dont Throw A Fit.  I am still invited to HER family's events right now as we are celebrating early.  They love me!

DF: when I read your posts I hear a voice from one of the actors in Orange Is The New Black.  Cracks me up!

Thanks for the laughs!
~ avoiding the Damn Foolish Idealistic Narcissistic Crusade ~ MLC

~ MLCers: one fruitcake short of a Christmas

Offline DumbfoundedTopic starter

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #53 on: December 21, 2017, 08:46:41 AM »
There was a skirmish.... I am not proud and a little annoyed with myself but today is a new day.

Yesterday I took the day off to try and sort Christmas and it was D's Christmas Concert. I spent the day wrapping and communicating back and forth with my lawyer because LB is in full monster mode about the holiday custody schedule. I suggested that the kids text him when we got home from church on Sunday and make arrangements directly with him to come over. Nope. Now he suddenly has tickets to a movie and is texting me demanding that I provide him the kids by 1:30. I am on the edge to begin with Christmas and work and he is pushing all of my buttons.

He now also has all of these other tickets to shows, movies, sporting events and he is demanding the kids on x dates. He has not checked the date with me or the kids. This is his new game. I can't imagine how much he is spending on tickets but whatever. I am just fuming.

Now, I have to go and be in the same space with him for D's Christmas Concert at school. S, my Mom and I go super early get in and get seated in the front. the seat fill in around us with strangers and I feel safe. We enjoy the concert and after it is over my Mom leans forward and says LB is lurking behind us. Great. Then she tells S - your Dad is back there - I guess trying to get him to go and talk to him. S says I know and stays put. Sigh.

Then I see him moving toward us. I get up and exit the row on the opposite side and head for the back of the theatre. S and my Mom follow. I get to the back of the theatre and the exit door is clogged so I take a right to the back corner of the theatre. He follows us. I turn around and he is in my face and my heart is pounding and just start yelling at him to stop following me and stay away from me. My Mom freezes and S flees. And he says in this smug voice "Well, Merry Christmas to you too."   I brush past him and head for the exit but it is still clogged with people.

LB stops to talk to S and then D comes up and I see a break in the door and I decide to go wait in the truck. As soon and I make my break, LB is in back of me again and both kids are clinging on to my jacket. I take a left and head back into the theatre and go out a side door to an empty hallway. The kids and I wait there, my heart pounding until I feel like it is safe to exit the building. I have lost my Mom is the rush and I tell the kids I am sorry for losing my cool but I just want him to stay away from me and he is making the holidays so difficult and it is just so upsetting to me.

On my way out, I see my nephew and BIL's GF. I give them both a quick hug and quickly leave to find my Mom crying in the parking lot. S breaks down in the truck. D came in late and has no idea what happened.

It occurs to me that LB doesn't care that I am hurting, that his presence is painful to me, that he scared me, that he upset the kids on D's big night, my Mom is upset, S is upset. He just wants his way. He is in full blown monster. He is thrilled I yelled at him and he got under my skin.

I take the kids and my Mom out to eat. I am shaking and unnerved but the kids seem to regroup quickly.  I get home to more texts from LB demanding the kids by 1:30 Sunday. D gets a text from LB saying he is coming to church on Sunday. Yep full blown monster. Desperate people with nothing to lose frighten me. I check the door locks three times. I get no sleep.   

This morning I regroup and sent him a text telling him that we have told his attorney twice this week that the kids and I have an obligation Sunday morning and that the kids will text him when they get home. I am under no obligation to cancel our plans based on his last minute plans and that if he had bothered to show up to the custody mediation he requested the holiday would all be sorted out already. I also told him that, in the future, he should check the dates with me or the kids before he orders tickets for events as we are not obligated to change plans we already have to suit him. I waited two hours and crickets.

I wanted to send a text that he couldn't show to other people. Sigh. 


                     

Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline Treasur

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #54 on: December 21, 2017, 08:53:43 AM »

It occurs to me that LB doesn't care that I am hurting, that his presence is painful to me, that he scared me, that he upset the kids on D's big night, my Mom is upset, S is upset. He just wants his way. He is in full blown monster. He is thrilled I yelled at him and he got under my skin.

I take the kids and my Mom out to eat. I am shaking and unnerved but the kids seem to regroup quickly.  I get home to more texts from LB demanding the kids by 1:30 Sunday. D gets a text from LB saying he is coming to church on Sunday. Yep full blown monster. Desperate people with nothing to lose frighten me. I check the door locks three times. I get no sleep.   
                     

It's a terrible (but maybe useful) reminder of how f**ked up they are, how this isn't normal or about us or our marriage or even close to the H we knew...I'm sorry it was upsetting for you all, but really, who other than an MLC spouse acts like this?

Glad you regrouped. Get some sleep. It will pass x
BD - Oct 15, mostly silent vanishing husband, diagnosed with severe depression in Dec 15 & seeing psychiatrist/on ADs since then
OW since Apr 16, maybe earlier?
H filed Jan 17.
80/20 strategy for me in 2018

"her soul is fierce, her heart is brave, her mind is strong." R.H Sin
Grace is...Elegance, good will, unearned blessings, a prayer of thanks and how to address a duchess.
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online Thunder

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #55 on: December 21, 2017, 10:21:17 AM »
Hi Df,

I'm sorry to read your H is being so ridiculous.
You are handling things really well.  I don't know how you do it, but you are doing it.   :)
You are not allowing him to control things.  Good for you!
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline MCSINME

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #56 on: December 21, 2017, 10:33:11 AM »
DF:  I'm new to this game but it seems like you've been patient and been through a lot.  My thoughts are with you
MCS
M56
H57 - Live-in MLC
Met 1984
Married 1990
MLC Began after major move 12/2016
BD#1 EA 5/17 Found by accident, denial, lying
BD#2 EA/PA 11/17 Found by accident, still Denial and lying.  Currently at least one ow (39)

S16, S19, S22

"but those who have hope in the LORD will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint"  Isiah 40:31

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #57 on: December 21, 2017, 02:35:25 PM »
Wow—Monster is in the house. So strange how he clings to you and then is suuuuuuuuch a d!ck! Guess that is MLC for ya.

Sorry you were rattled but you recovered super quickly—nice work!  And don’t worry about what you said to him. Sometimes we have to blow. They are so frustrating. I think you handled it great. Way better than I would under the circumstances. Hoping his tantrum is over for the moment and you can enjoy your Christmas. But, something tells me this monster is feeling especially sad this holiday and will likely be back. But you got this DF.
Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Online CanLetGo

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #58 on: December 21, 2017, 04:49:23 PM »
Hugs DF, you are doing well in a difficult situation xxx
Me 44
H 47
3 young adult kids
BD December 2013, left home August 2014
OW 17 years younger

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #59 on: December 21, 2017, 07:09:22 PM »
Seems he's pulling out all the stops to try and ruin Christmas for you and the kids. 

Yes, desperate people with nothing to lose are frightening.  You are coping as best as you can, DF.  Stay the course and hang on for the ride.  You have lots of support here. 
After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline DumbfoundedTopic starter

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #60 on: December 22, 2017, 11:37:46 AM »
Quick Christmas update. LB's lawyer threw in the towel and told us to work it out ourselves. Snort. A lawyerless LB. Time to bada$$ myself up and finish what I started Wednesday night.  After several text message and emails back and forth, in which LB played the victim/reasonable parent, I spared no words about his disrespectful and manipulative behavior and called his text (in which he accused me of putting the kids in the middle of communications) a "word salad" with no actions backing it.

This morning there was confusion about who was picking S up from basketball because he was texting vague messages to the kids directly. I went in for the communications kill. Now, I finally have a custody agreement for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day that I can live with.

His final email to me - after I shut my phone off and told him that all further custody negotiations would be conducted via email- has a throw in the white towel tone to it. He also agreed to a bunch of other stuff that he has been ignoring for months.

I would rather still be family - but he is still off wandering in the land of the lost with the sleestacks. So, dinner and drinks with friends on Christmas Eve it is followed by candlelight service at church with my kids.

He is taking the kids to see the new Star Wars movie Christmas Eve. It makes me sad because the kids and I have been planning to go next week for months. LB is not a Star Wars fan. D said to me this morning... Mom if Star Wars is good I will go with you again next week. I smiled and D said "I got ya bro."   

     

 
« Last Edit: December 22, 2017, 11:39:39 AM by Dumbfounded »
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline Mae

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #61 on: December 22, 2017, 12:12:00 PM »
Having contact very email sounds a lot less stressful, have you got your own FOD (Folder of Doom).

Did Treasur also invent the 'word salad' term....I love that.

I'm glad that the next few days have been sorted DF, and I'm sorry the lead up has been antic filled and stressful for you.

You can have a breather now and just enjoy your family.
Me: 49
H: 40
S18, D15
Together for 19 years
BDay in 2004, 2011 and now March 5 2017
Ran away on 5 March BD
No OW
Returned home 'underdone' 1 July 2017.
Left again 22 October 2017.
H - Medicated & Zombie Like is NC

Online CanLetGo

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #62 on: December 22, 2017, 12:33:38 PM »
Although it shouldn’t have been so hard (not your fault that it was!), I’m glad you’re gotten to a place that you’re comfortable with. Lovely D re Star Wars  😊
Me 44
H 47
3 young adult kids
BD December 2013, left home August 2014
OW 17 years younger

Offline StoneFrog

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #63 on: December 22, 2017, 01:09:57 PM »
Wonder why LB's lawyer dropped him...  ;D Good thinking on switching to emails, bada$$ery suits you so well. And you Christmas Eve plans sound wonderful. I just hope you get to see Star Wars with D. I was struggling a bit, since I had planned on seeing it with H. But just today I made plans with fellow LBS to go see it, made me so happy. And my D8 just asked if she could start watching the original ones already. I take it as a sign of succesful parenting. :D

Offline DumbfoundedTopic starter

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #64 on: December 22, 2017, 02:01:13 PM »
Mae - It has been super stressful. I just started following Treasur recently and was like a FOD - brilliant!! I just have to figure out how to do that. Haha!! I owe someone credit for "word salad" - i just don't know who it was that I stole the term from. Thank you whoever you are!! 

Now to try and cam down and try to enjoy the holiday.
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #65 on: December 22, 2017, 02:28:01 PM »
I always feel more at peace when there is a plan in place. So I’m happy you got there. I mean, you got there the hard way, but that is MLC, the gift that keeps on giving.

Enjoy your Christmas DF.
Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #66 on: December 22, 2017, 02:53:28 PM »

I would rather still be family - but he is still off wandering in the land of the lost with the sleestacks. So, dinner and drinks with friends on Christmas Eve it is followed by candlelight service at church with my kids.


I loved that show back in the day!  Wesley Eure - a dreamboat in my eyes!  Thanks for a well deserved laugh, DF!  I will now think of my "Voldemort" wandering around with the sleestaks in The Land of the Lost.  The theme song is running through my head!   ;D

You have accomplished a lot today.  Nice work.  I am glad you have a Christmas arrangement that works for you. 

I will be seeing the Star Wars movie (probably 3D) by myself next week.  I wish I was going with you! 

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline DumbfoundedTopic starter

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #67 on: December 22, 2017, 04:36:56 PM »
KIT - I feel like a huge weight has been lifted. There is a plan to get the kids through the holidays that provides them with a little of the old with some new mixed in. I think it was weighing on my heart more than I knew and was part of my meltdown with LB Wednesday night and my Mom this morning.

SB I loved Land of the Lost growing up. It gave my brother nightmares and my Mom banned it from the Saturday morning line up for a few weeks and I pouted something fierce.

Stone and SB I so wish we could all go see Star Wars together. It would be fun to have some LBS company. SIL said she would go with me but alas she is in Mexico for the holidays.

I am treating myself to a little celebratory sushi and then I am off to finish up the Christmas shopping.

Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline beyondblessed

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #68 on: December 23, 2017, 03:05:59 PM »
Keep going girl....you got this!  I treated Mr. Amazing and his kids to Star Wars, as part of my Christmas to them, and we all loved it.  It would provide great quality time for you and your kiddos, plus the added bonus of distraction from this mess LB has chosen to create.  Just maybe, he'll be eating a steady diet of word salads compliments of you, in 2018.  They hate it once those tables turn.   ;D

Offline DumbfoundedTopic starter

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #69 on: December 25, 2017, 09:33:57 AM »
Well, I was doing really good until the kids accidentally told me this morning that MOW2’s kids presents are stored in MIL’s garage. I thought they meant my nephews gifts at first and then D was glaring at S and S went and sat on the couch with a blanket over his head. So, I point blank asked D and she confessed. I felt gut punched by the whole lot of them.

I tried to compose myself but the tears started leaking out and I felt like all the wind had been knocked out of me. Just sucker punched.

I did regroup and try to save Christmas morning but it took a lot of cuddling two completely blanketed lumps on the couch. I waffled between rage and sadness.

What else do they know that they have to keep to themselves? Keeping awful secrets from their mother. Why would you cause this much pain to your own kids?

He is a monster and my inlaws accomplices to terrorizing their own grandkids. Just when I think I have a handle on this he levels up the madness. 

There I sat in church last night at the candle light service watching MOW2 and her husband sitting next to each other while her kids Christmas presents were in my inlaws garage. These people are totally screwed up.
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Online Thunder

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #70 on: December 25, 2017, 10:17:43 AM »
What?  So does ow's H know about your H?  Oh man...how screwed up.

I don't know your in laws but maybe he just asked them if he could keep the gifts in their garage and they didn't know how to say no figuring it was just temporary.  ??  Maybe?

Your H DID buy his kids gifts, right?
I hope I'm not missing something here.   :-\
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline beyondblessed

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #71 on: December 25, 2017, 10:20:47 PM »
The crux of the whole crisis is that everything is all about them, DF.  Just like every other wayward spouse, LB checked out on you a long time before you even realized it, and I really think that's why they don't see wrong in their actions.  To them, that part of their lives is history, so anything they do after should have no bearing on you, as it has nothing to do with you.  Yes, I have always said they know what they are dping....still true, they do know.  I just think they don't think about us at all in the context of those decisions.  Like I said....our part of their lives is over.  They've moved on.  All the more reason for the LBS to do the same...except with more sanity and self respect.

I hope you were still able to have a wonderful Christmas.  ZLB and his family are the losers here.  Only time will tell, if they are ever able to distinguish fantasy from reality.  Unfortunately, it is so much easier to embrace a fantasy than to face a reality of brokenness that has caused such colossal damage.  That takes a lot of courage, and courage is something these cowards can't seem to generate.


Offline DumbfoundedTopic starter

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #72 on: December 26, 2017, 05:44:29 AM »
Thanks Thunder and Beyond.

Well, I survived the holiday and I am ready to move forward into a New Year. Deep breath.

Thunder, BFF and I have talked endlessly about what MOW2’s H’s knows and doesn’t know. We came to the conclusion a long time ago he is an idiot just following MOW2 around and doing what he is told.

H did buy the kids presents. Mostly tickets to shows and sporting events he wants to go to. The rest of the presents stink of MIL so badly it is laughable. I even found a packing slip with MIL’s name on it. So, he put in minimal effort.

I had a major meltdown at my Mom’s in the afternoon while the kids were at the inlaws and by the time the kids were returned in accordance with the optional child custody agreement I pulled together a little holiday cheer and we had a nice time at my Mom’s. My sister even commented that S’s mood improved as the evening went on to the point he was laughing and goofing off quite a bit with BIL by the end of the night.

Back to work today. Time to start saving for next Christmas.
« Last Edit: December 26, 2017, 05:45:58 AM by Dumbfounded »
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline DumbfoundedTopic starter

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #73 on: December 26, 2017, 11:09:58 AM »
So MIL just posted 6 pictures on Fakebook of Christmas at her house.  My kids told me BIL didn't get there until after 3:00 - so I know the pictures are from after 3:00 in the afternoon. LB is still in his pajamas, he looks unshowered, miserable and I think he looks heavier. In not one picture is he interacting with a single person. Looks like LB is a ton of fun these days.     
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline DumbfoundedTopic starter

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #74 on: December 27, 2017, 11:35:22 AM »
Life post Christmas is bliss. Leaky Bucket and his drama have disappeared. Got home from work last night, grabbed some taco bell, put my new jammies on and D and I vegged out on the couch watching 3 hours of Stranger Things on Netflix.  LB texted D a few times because he was somehow confused about what time the show was this Saturday for him and D and her friend.  I had a good chuckle as he supposedly purchased the tickets for D for Christmas but neither the show or the show time he texted me back in November matched what she actually got on Christmas. 

S was off at friend's house for a sleepover.

I got a text from MIL last night thanking me for all the gifts and telling me that they had a lovely day on Christmas with the kids. It made me glad that I had gone to the trouble of sending gifts over with the kids.  But I still can't bring myself to respond. I just don't know what to say and communicating with them feels like going backwards and opening old wounds. BFF has tried to tell me that I can still be friends with MIL if I want to but it seems so pointless. I have tried to sit down and write her a note but I have no words aside from I am sorry your son is a total jerk and you enable his bad behavior. So, I put my pen down for now and try to let it go.   

This morning I sent D off for her first driving lesson.  I was there seeing her off in all her excitement, taking pictures of her next adventure in this crazy life and suddenly it seemed better than Christmas. 

On my way to work, I felt something new bubbling up inside of me.  A fresh excitement for 2018 and new things.  Baby, there is nothing holding me back.  8)       
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Online Mortesbride

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #75 on: December 27, 2017, 12:38:08 PM »
I can still be friends with MIL if I want to but it seems so pointless. I have tried to sit down and write her a note but I have no words aside from I am sorry your son is a total jerk and you enable his bad behavior.   

Touche my friend.  ::)

Offline Mae

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #76 on: December 27, 2017, 12:59:54 PM »
On my way to work, I felt something new bubbling up inside of me.  A fresh excitement for 2018 and new things.  Baby, there is nothing holding me back.  8)     

Yes DF, 2018 is going to be a great year.
Me: 49
H: 40
S18, D15
Together for 19 years
BDay in 2004, 2011 and now March 5 2017
Ran away on 5 March BD
No OW
Returned home 'underdone' 1 July 2017.
Left again 22 October 2017.
H - Medicated & Zombie Like is NC

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #77 on: December 27, 2017, 01:25:43 PM »
Yes 2018 is our year!!
Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Offline DumbfoundedTopic starter

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #78 on: December 27, 2017, 01:37:41 PM »
Oh KIT and Mae I hope you are right about 2018 being our year. 
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline beyondblessed

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #79 on: December 28, 2017, 06:38:04 AM »
Yes, baby, there is nothing holding you back, once you make that choice!!

Stranger Things, huh?  That is one of my Mr. Amazing's favorite binge watching shows.  lol

And, as far as your future Xmil......if any response, a simple you're welcome.  Short, sweet, and straight from the hip, just like you're dealings with LB.  Far too much enabling is going on already for you to extend it any further.

I cannot wait to watch you kick @SS in 2018.  Something tells me you're own Mr. Amazing is waiting in the wings.   ;)

Offline Edda

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #80 on: December 28, 2017, 10:34:49 AM »
Dumbfounded, I am in a similar situation. My MIL has invited me several times to come visit her - she lives some 21/2 hours ride from where I live.
We have never been close although we became closer during the last years before BD.
But what is there to talk about? Your son has hurt me more than I even thought possible? I am glad I survived your son's behaviour?
She very well knows, and she does not approve of what her son has done - but she has to accept it, as I have to accept what H has done to the family and to me.
But one day I will go - we might just talk about the amazing sons of ours - and her becoming a Great Grand Mother.

2018 is going to be THE YEAR - I quite agree and I am working hard on being strong, as most of us in here are, I guess - I want new nice adventures, thank you :-)


Offline DumbfoundedTopic starter

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #81 on: December 28, 2017, 12:08:20 PM »
Beyond, D and I are totally hooked on Stranger Things now. You have to binge watch because every episode is a cliff hanger. I am so glad it is that strange time between Christmas and New Years where I have the time to just veg out with D eating cookies on the couch.

It feels like I have traded the cow for a handful a magic beans. All my hopes for something better are attached to these little beans. I just have to plant them now and wait and see if something better grows.  As for my own Mr. Amazing, I have way too much work to do on myself before I can even think about trying on a new relationship. I am not ready to compromise yet - I am learning to sail my own ship right now and I don't want or need a matey. 

MOW2's H has tried to make contact with me again in the past few days. BFF says I should meet him for a hot chocolate (I don't drink coffee) and see what he has to say because he is really going through the same thing I am. Um ... yeah heck no. Maybe after the divorce is final and I am not so worried about the transfer of information to LB - oh and BTW, HE IS MARRIED!!   

Oh Edda it is so lovely to have you here on my thread. I am glad you understand about the MIL thing. It is an awkward relationship - MIL didn't do anything to me but she harbors the person who hurt me most in the world world and apparently now MOW2.  Beyond is right - too much enabling going on there for it to be anything other than small talk.   

Just me, my kids and my magic beans... and doggie of course.
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #82 on: December 28, 2017, 01:05:03 PM »
 
Oh Edda it is so lovely to have you here on my thread. I am glad you understand about the MIL thing. It is an awkward relationship - MIL didn't do anything to me but she harbors the person who hurt me most in the world world and apparently now MOW2.  Beyond is right - too much enabling going on there for it to be anything other than small talk.   

Just me, my kids and my magic beans... and doggie of course.

Yup, when the MIL harbors the person (and in my case the new wife as well!) that hurt us most in the world there isn't much left to say.  For me, it's no contact at all with her.  She has a new DIL and from what I'm told she's very content with my replacement.  I understand you position with your MIL, DF.  For some of us, it's best we just avoid them. 

I sure hope the magic beans I got for trading the cow will lead me up the best beanstalk ever! 

Enjoy those cookies and the couch time! 
After all, tomorrow is another day.

Online Mortesbride

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #83 on: December 28, 2017, 01:30:44 PM »
Do you think the MOW husband is wanting to compare notes? Like maybe he is being told it has been over and blah blah blah..and he is looking to clarify things for himself?

Offline handpuppets

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #84 on: December 28, 2017, 03:30:31 PM »
I totally relate to your mixed bag of emotions, wrt MIL.

Mine still reaches out but since she has become chummy with OP (their family knows her family, ad nauseam), I haven't been able to return the affection. I feel like she let me down big time. I know that her son pulls rank but I'd like to think she would have some loyalty towards me. But she is clueless.

Wishing you a successful harvest of your magic beans.

“Lighthouses don’t go running all over an island looking for boats to save; they just stand there shining.” -Anne Lamott

Offline Dew

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #85 on: December 31, 2017, 09:11:39 AM »
Oh, yes, the MILthing. I completely understand. We used to be really chummy, I saw MIL more often than I did my own mother.  And I told her just about everything. But now that she has understood that I have been replaced for real, she's completely dropped me. In the end, blood runs thicker than water, I suppose. And I totally agree about the smalltalk. If you meet her it will just feel like you're trying to ignore the huge elephant in the room.
Stranger things, huh, my d15 has been egging me on to start watching that as well. But I'm still hooked on The Vampire diaries which she also inroduced to me. There's definitely room in my bed for Damon Salvatore  ;). But, indeed, as you say, DF, for a real relationship, I'm not ready. Same reason, I'm so happy with my regained freedom that I don't want to give it up for anybody. No compromising yet. I love the new me.
We have come such a long way this past year, haven't we DF? Last year about this time, we were just in a puddle on the floor. And 2018 is just going to bring more happiness, just because we have learnt to accept and find joy in the here and now and because we have (re)discovered our inner strength. I think that is a lesson we will never forget again.
Have a great New Year's Eve you all!
Acceptance doesn't mean resignation; it means understanding that something is what it is and that there's got to be a way through it.
My happiness grows in direct proportion to my acceptance, and in inverse proportion to my expectations.
(Both < Michael J Fox)

Offline No expectations

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #86 on: December 31, 2017, 02:54:42 PM »
DF,

Happy New Year, my friend.  Yes, 2018 will be our year!
Married 10 1/2 years, together 17.  BD 9/2016, 2nd BD 10/16.  H moved out 10/16.  2 AS's from my first M.  Me 55, H 49.  OW 23.

"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through; how you managed to survive.  You won't even be sure if the storm is really over.  But one thing is certain; when you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person that walked in...that's what this storm is all about."

"The trick is to enjoy life.  Don't wish away your days, waiting for better ones."

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #87 on: December 31, 2017, 08:45:55 PM »
Happy New Year, DF.     2018 could very well be our break out year!   :)
After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline DumbfoundedTopic starter

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #88 on: January 01, 2018, 08:00:31 PM »
Oh my, I have been so busy GAL I have fallen way behind on my reading and updating here. I hope everyone had a Happy New Year!!

The kids and I attended BFF’s New Years Eve party and rang in the New Years surrounded by the people who have sat in the MLC trenches with us these past two years. We had a good time and the kids each had a friend sleep over NYE and so the house was filled with extra people this morning and I made a pancake breakfast and my heart sang with joy as I added chairs to the kitchen table and listened to the noisy chatter.

I got in a yoga class this morning and then drug everyone off to see Star Wars this afternoon. BFF fed us leftovers for dinner and it was the perfect day to start 2018.

I caught up with my law school roommate Saturday afternoon for lunch and filled her in on the last two years. She never married and she gave me some bada$$ single girl pointers. We decided to have a girls night soon and tear up the town.

I also touched base with a high school friend/college roommate and we decided to meet up and relive the 80s at a roller skating party next Saturday in our hometown. You should have seen my kids faces when I was explaining I was going roller skating, it was adult only from 8-10 at night and they were only playing 80s music. Both just blinking  at me like I was nuts. D kept saying Mom, I don’t understand WHERE are you going?

In the meantime, D got her driving permit Friday and I have been learning how to drive with a new driver. D yells at me for gasping a lot but I think I am doing rather well for as terrified as I am.

Well, it is back to adulting tomorrow. Gotta get me some sleep.
« Last Edit: January 01, 2018, 08:03:25 PM by Dumbfounded »
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Online CanLetGo

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #89 on: January 01, 2018, 08:24:32 PM »
Sounds like a great start to 2018! Congrats to D on her L’s, and good luck! Wish I could come roller skating with you, sounds great!
Me 44
H 47
3 young adult kids
BD December 2013, left home August 2014
OW 17 years younger

Offline No expectations

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #90 on: January 02, 2018, 05:42:30 AM »
DF,

What a great New Year for you!  I don't know if I'm brave enough to try roller skating anymore, I'd be afraid of falling lol.  But I love the idea of an 80's night, how fun!

Keep on keeping on, my friend.  You do YOU really well! ;D
Married 10 1/2 years, together 17.  BD 9/2016, 2nd BD 10/16.  H moved out 10/16.  2 AS's from my first M.  Me 55, H 49.  OW 23.

"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through; how you managed to survive.  You won't even be sure if the storm is really over.  But one thing is certain; when you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person that walked in...that's what this storm is all about."

"The trick is to enjoy life.  Don't wish away your days, waiting for better ones."

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #91 on: January 02, 2018, 06:42:55 AM »
Roller skating - I have fond memories of that from years ago!  What a fun evening, DF.  You'll rock the rink, I'm sure!   :)
After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #92 on: January 02, 2018, 07:31:13 AM »
You had me at 80’s roller skating! So much fun. Yes 2018 is sounding very promising for you DF!!

I’ve generally had no problem with the GAL aspect of all this. My main problem has been with missing my old H but I’ve noticed that has gotten better in the past few months. Of course we will cycle but GAL does help!

And you are inspiring me to get back to my hot Pilates classes too.
Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Offline DumbfoundedTopic starter

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #93 on: January 03, 2018, 11:14:56 AM »
Hello CLG, KIT , SB and NoEx.

Well, I just came from an hour and half long meeting with my attorney. LB has stopped paying all of the bills except the cable bill. :o He has allowed the life insurance to lapse. MIL and FIL returned to their winter home on Saturday and now LB has nobody to put on a dutiful husband and father show for and it appears that he has vanished back into the addiction closet. So, it is time to put this suffering marriage out of its misery and LB is not going to like how I end what he started.

So, I picked my word for 2018 in the car on the way to work this morning. It is not a word that I would have ever picked before in my life. But it is time. My word is "Selfish" - this year I am going to be selfish about my health, my happiness, my finances, my personal growth, my career, my future, my me time and my personal space. I need time and space to get up out of this rubble of a marriage, to heal and to take flight into my new life.  During this time I am not going to be able to give so much of myself to others and I need to learn to say "no".  Put on your own oxygen mask first they say.  Fix yourself first and everything around you will fix itself I am told. You can't pour from an empty cup.  So, I am going to be selfish and give myself permission to put on my own oxygen mask, fix myself and fill my cup without feeling guilty about it. 

In other news, LB surfaced at S's basketball game yesterday for the first time this year.  I chuckled as he sat far, far away from me with his new basketball Dad friends and made no attempt to approach me. I guess he learned a lesson from D's Christmas concert. I am not afraid to make a public scene when I have had enough of his antics.  We are not friends.             

 
« Last Edit: January 03, 2018, 11:16:19 AM by Dumbfounded »
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline StoneFrog

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #94 on: January 03, 2018, 12:07:42 PM »

So, I picked my word for 2018 in the car on the way to work this morning. It is not a word that I would have ever picked before in my life. But it is time. My word is "Selfish" - this year I am going to be selfish about my health, my happiness, my finances, my personal growth, my career, my future, my me time and my personal space. I need time and space to get up out of this rubble of a marriage, to heal and to take flight into my new life.  During this time I am not going to be able to give so much of myself to others and I need to learn to say "no".  Put on your own oxygen mask first they say.  Fix yourself first and everything around you will fix itself I am told. You can't pour from an empty cup.  So, I am going to be selfish and give myself permission to put on my own oxygen mask, fix myself and fill my cup without feeling guilty about it. 

Happy new year Df!
I love your word! Nothing wrong with some healthy selfishness. It really is important to take care of yourself, so it makes for a wonderful theme for this year.

But I have to ask, how was Star Wars?

Offline handpuppets

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #95 on: January 03, 2018, 01:09:24 PM »
So, I picked my word for 2018 in the car on the way to work this morning. It is not a word that I would have ever picked before in my life. But it is time. My word is "Selfish" - this year I am going to be selfish about my health, my happiness, my finances, my personal growth, my career, my future, my me time and my personal space. I need time and space to get up out of this rubble of a marriage, to heal and to take flight into my new life.  During this time I am not going to be able to give so much of myself to others and I need to learn to say "no".  Put on your own oxygen mask first they say.  Fix yourself first and everything around you will fix itself I am told. You can't pour from an empty cup.  So, I am going to be selfish and give myself permission to put on my own oxygen mask, fix myself and fill my cup without feeling guilty about it. 

Cannot tell you how much I love this. Godspeed, DF, godspeed.
“Lighthouses don’t go running all over an island looking for boats to save; they just stand there shining.” -Anne Lamott

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #96 on: January 03, 2018, 04:15:54 PM »
I think LBS selfish is different than MLC selfish.  I don't believe that you would ever make a decision that would be detrimental to your kids.  Yes, put on the oxygen mask, DF.
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9711.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline DumbfoundedTopic starter

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #97 on: January 03, 2018, 04:24:39 PM »
Stone - Star Wars was good. I don’t want to give away the movie but it wasn’t what I expected and I was a little sad at the end watching a new generation of heros emerge. Sigh.

I am sitting at S’s basketball game with D. LB’s new Dad friends are sitting in front of me and LB is sitting in the other side of the gym. Snort. There was time I believed in him, I was his biggest fan, I defended him, and routed for him and saw so much potential. I wish he could have seen what I saw. He never would have given up in himself, on us, on our family.

But he has forced my hand, endangered all that we have built and now I must be selfish and do what needs to be done to protect what he has not destroyed. Selfish is hard and sad but necessary. Sigh.
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #98 on: January 03, 2018, 05:19:16 PM »

 There was time I believed in him, I was his biggest fan, I defended him, and routed for him and saw so much potential. I wish he could have seen what I saw. He never would have given up in himself, on us, on our family.

But he has forced my hand, endangered all that we have built and now I must be selfish and do what needs to be done to protect what he has not destroyed. Selfish is hard and sad but necessary. Sigh.

I'm guessing that you pretty well just summed up how most of us have felt (or currently feel), DF. 

I still haven't seen Star Wars.  Hope to go this weekend. 

Hope you enjoy S's game. 
After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline beyondblessed

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #99 on: January 03, 2018, 05:22:13 PM »
So, so proud of you, DF.  Just remember, divorce is business, nothing personal.  And, I LOVE your idea of selfish.....it is exactly that same thing that got me back on the fast track to my new and much improved life.  Only difference is that I called it Self Love.  Keep on keeping on, Badass!!

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #100 on: January 04, 2018, 12:56:13 PM »
Loving your attitude DF. I agree with Beyond--I think of it more as Self-Care than selfish bc really, you are so important to so many people that if something were to happen to you, it would be really bad. But also this life is about us too...not just taking care of everyone else, which is what has happened to so many of us. Time to regain our sense of self. Time to live for us too. B/c we matter.

I can't wait to see Star Wars....but I'm still super sad about Han Solo. Yep-total nerd over here!
Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Offline Treasur

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #101 on: January 04, 2018, 01:20:26 PM »

 There was time I believed in him, I was his biggest fan, I defended him, and routed for him and saw so much potential. I wish he could have seen what I saw. He never would have given up in himself, on us, on our family.

But he has forced my hand, endangered all that we have built and now I must be selfish and do what needs to be done to protect what he has not destroyed. Selfish is hard and sad but necessary. Sigh.

I'm guessing that you pretty well just summed up how most of us have felt (or currently feel), DF. 

Me too. Would have said exactly the same, but it's a sad truth that our MLC spouses often run us out of any other options but to protect ourselves and our families. But it is sad and hard to realise we need to. I guess, thinking positively, we are maybe doing our original spouse a favour by not letting the MLC spouse destroy the last bits of what they used to value and treasure?
BD - Oct 15, mostly silent vanishing husband, diagnosed with severe depression in Dec 15 & seeing psychiatrist/on ADs since then
OW since Apr 16, maybe earlier?
H filed Jan 17.
80/20 strategy for me in 2018

"her soul is fierce, her heart is brave, her mind is strong." R.H Sin
Grace is...Elegance, good will, unearned blessings, a prayer of thanks and how to address a duchess.
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Dew

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #102 on: January 04, 2018, 01:30:48 PM »
and keeping ourselves and our kids sane in the process
Acceptance doesn't mean resignation; it means understanding that something is what it is and that there's got to be a way through it.
My happiness grows in direct proportion to my acceptance, and in inverse proportion to my expectations.
(Both < Michael J Fox)

Offline DumbfoundedTopic starter

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #103 on: January 08, 2018, 11:45:32 AM »
Oh my goodness... I lost my own dang thread this time around.   :P

Not much new to report. Working on a response to H's lawyer's letter for the last few days. Totally exhausting.

A friend of mine proposed that I change my 2018 word to self-love or self-care as KIT and Beyond pointed out. I thought on it for a few days and decided, after several days of crafting a response to H's lawyer, that those words are too soft and fuzzy and self focused for what I need. Those words give me visions of bubble baths and chocolate truffles and that was so 2017. I've got to get myself up out of the bubble bath, put down the truffles and get to work. And I need permission to tell other people to back off and stand clear while I tear down the rest of what is left and start rebuilding something totally new.  What I have now was built on compromise and people pleasing... room colors and furniture, child rearing, jobs and vacations all done while tip toeing around everyone else's feelings and needs. No more.  If I am going to be forced to tear it all down, then what goes up is all DF baby.

In the meantime, Leaky Bucket is in "helpful" mode now. He starts or ends all his new "co-parenting" e-mails with "if it would be helpful" followed by something he wants so he can try to back pedal his sinking divorce case - but nothing too stressful like homework or medical appointments - usually lunch/dinner with the kids at Panera or picking S up from basketball. He sent a long pathetic "if the kids want...." email last week about having dinner with the kids Friday and then the kids were home at 7:30 and S, D and I supplemented "dinner" with sushi and a movie.   

The kids have been very cold with H since Christmas. D has been tagging along with me to S's basketball games but she won't even acknowledge H. S chats with him for a minute or two but if I walk away, which I generally do, S is in hot pursuit of me. I think Giftgate shook them up. D had told me back in October when the whole hayride issue arose that MOW2 was not an issue with H. But I think MOW2's kids Christmas gifts being stored in MIL's garage is hard to ignore. 

And then H had "learned" some information about D that only, I, BFF and MOW2's D knew. D first accused me of telling H and when I told her I hadn't said a word and BFF doesn't speak to LB the realization of how LB found out dawned on her.  MOW2's D is spy.  I have suspected it for months, BFF said I was crazy paranoid but I said nothing to D.  Now we all know... MOW2 is using her D16 to spy on us and carry classified information to MOW2 and LB.                     

So, selfish it for 2018.


       
 
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline beyondblessed

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #104 on: January 09, 2018, 02:38:28 AM »
Approaching this from a position of power!  I cannot stress how much I love your attitude now!  It is unfortunate that years of trust comes down to this, but some people simply cannot be trusted and no matter what the past (it ain't coming back), these kind of people do not deserve a place in our lives.  And spying?  Really?  Grow up already.   ::)

Offline DumbfoundedTopic starter

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #105 on: January 09, 2018, 03:43:20 AM »
For the last three nights, I awake at 2:00 am from a dream where I am screaming at LB. I am yelling so loud in the dreams that when I awake the quiet room is confusing to me. There I am, heart pounding and confused in the middle of the night. I tried a yoga class last night to try an stop the dreams but there I was again last night at 2:00 am, heart pounding, mind racing having been dreaming of screaming at LB about Giftgate, our wedding vows, the kids, the house, etc.

Last night he admitted to me, in the dream, he had made a terrible mistake and needed to come home. That MOW2 was maniulative and Giftgate was a disaster.  I awoke frantic and unprepared for his responses. I could not go back to sleep. Ugh!

I am hoping that getting this letter out to H’s lawyer today helps make these dreams go away.
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline DumbfoundedTopic starter

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #106 on: January 09, 2018, 06:57:06 PM »
Ok. It took a 1000 redrafts but the reply letter to LB’s lawyer is done and went out the door today. Fingers crossed we can put this whole divorce to rest and just move on with our lives.

I would also like a dreamless night sleep tonight. Fighting with LB on paper all day and in my dreams all night is getting the best of me.

Otherwise it is S’s basketball everyday. LB stays far, far away from me now. He looks utterly and totally miserable. I cannot understand why anyone would blow up everything to end up looking so miserable. I mean, I guess my head understands but my heart lags so far behind in understanding this journey.

In the meantime, the house looks like a bomb went off and Christmas still needs to be put away.
« Last Edit: January 09, 2018, 06:58:39 PM by Dumbfounded »
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline Mae

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #107 on: January 09, 2018, 07:16:32 PM »
Hi DF,

Good that the reply letter has been sent, hopefully that will move the whole divorce process along to an end so as you say, you can move on.

I know what you mean about the dreams....they are strange aren't they? Sometimes I dream of my H being the old age, but most of the time he is depressed H, a cold-eyed stranger. They make you wonder if by some chance, they actually reflect what our spouses are feeling at the time. Even if they did, doesn't actually change anything.

LB staying away at BB is something new.....and it's taken a long time. Seems to have done a 180.......he used to be quite upbeat and chatty at the practices, always trying to engage you.

I didn't put up Christmas this year, so no packing down required.
Me: 49
H: 40
S18, D15
Together for 19 years
BDay in 2004, 2011 and now March 5 2017
Ran away on 5 March BD
No OW
Returned home 'underdone' 1 July 2017.
Left again 22 October 2017.
H - Medicated & Zombie Like is NC

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #108 on: January 09, 2018, 08:33:05 PM »
I still have some Christmas stuff to put away too.

Sorry that your sleep has been rocked by these dreams.  I don't do it much in my sleep, but it does seem like I have hypothetical conversations in my head that I compulsively play out (Jouska).

The D stuff, on top of everything else that we are going through physically, emotionally, etc. is just an added layer of stress.  The more I read about everyone's D process, the more I feel that maybe the quickness of mine, was indeed a blessing in disguise.

Hang in there DF.
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9711.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline DumbfoundedTopic starter

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #109 on: January 11, 2018, 10:44:03 AM »
Thanks Mae and FW.

Mae I am glad to find someone else who understands the dreams. I have to admit that I spent quite a bit of time wondering if the dreams were in fact a reflection of what LB might be feeling in RL. It is comforting to know someone else who does that and I am not crazy.

This D is so stressful. At yoga Monday night, the instructor had to come and help me with my positions because I am just one giant knot. 

No sign of LB at S's basketball practice last night and it was nice to be relaxed and enjoy the company of the other parents and watch the practice without LB lurking nearby. It makes me sad because this is not the way it should be for me or S. I have always been super involved in the kids activities but I feel like I am holding back now - hiding in the shadows waiting for it to be over.

Anyway, when we got home last night S jumped in the shower and his phone was sitting on the bed next to me.  LB sends a group text to S and D "I miss you guys".  A few minutes later  " I have the flu. I am hoping I feel better to come to your game tomorrow."  D responds "Ew".  MIL and company have returned to Myrtle Beach.  So, LB is in an empty house with the flu missing "you guys".  I felt bad for a minute.  I know he really battles with respiratory things and the flu is kind of a serious respiratory thing. I wondered if "you guys" included me - maybe even just a little.  What exactly is he missing?   

Oh well, MOW2's problem now.  And as much as she doesn't care for her own family - I am sure she isn't going to make a special effort for LB and his flu.  But these were not my choices.  I didn't put him in this position to be sick and alone with nobody to care for him.  He did.     

I guess we will see if he comes to S's game tonight to infect us all with the flu.   
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline Mae

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #110 on: January 11, 2018, 01:03:26 PM »
Hi DF,

Oh we have such similar thoughts, except mine doesn't have OW (married or otherwise) to complicate the situation that I know of. I too wonder if I am included in the 'miss you guys' texts that my H would send our son....but I have stopped looking at these. I would always think 'does he miss me, does he think of me, or is he only missing 'the kids'? When my H was a bit lucid, I asked him, do you actually miss me, as a person? He said that it was really hard to separate 'me' as a distinct entity from the kids, so when he missed 'his family' I was all tied up with that. I found that difficult to accept because I wanted him to 'miss' me, his wife separately, if that makes sense, instead of being bundled along with the kids as if I were also 'one of the kids'. I also wanted him to come home for ME, not because the kids needed him....but of course because he couldn't make that distinction, coming home meant coming back to the full package.

I am kind of beyond such thoughts now....thankfully, my focus has definitely shifted away from him and us to just me now.

I also think depression makes them so much more susceptible to respiratory illnesses or to just illnesses in general. My H had a cold which he caught in early December and which when I saw him in early January he was still recovering from. It is very sad, I feel really sorry for my H....struggling with sleep, with a nagging cough he can't get rid of, living in a boarding house and sometimes having to sleep in his car.......but he chose those options, which when you think about it, are just sucky options to choose....ok he can't choose whether he has a cold or not, but those other things are optional.

You are unlikely to catch the flu though from LB if he shows up DF.......as I know you go out of your way to avoid him.
Me: 49
H: 40
S18, D15
Together for 19 years
BDay in 2004, 2011 and now March 5 2017
Ran away on 5 March BD
No OW
Returned home 'underdone' 1 July 2017.
Left again 22 October 2017.
H - Medicated & Zombie Like is NC

Offline DumbfoundedTopic starter

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #111 on: January 11, 2018, 07:43:18 PM »
Thank you Mae. Your words are comforting to me tonight. I suspected that “I miss you guys” might be a little of I miss my family. Of course, I have no idea but it is nice to think that there is something good to for him to miss about our family and it all wasn’t just a dream.

No LB tonight at S’s basketball game. Then I worry... sick with the flu all by himself. Is someone checking on him? Does he have medicine?  I actually considered dropping some medicine in his mailbox. I am an idiot. He is suing me... hasn’t lifted a finger for me in months and months, is trying to take my children away and I want to buy him medicine?

And that folks is why my word for 2018 is selfish. To save me from my stupid self. 
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline Treasur

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #112 on: January 11, 2018, 10:32:57 PM »

And that folks is why my word for 2018 is selfish. To save me from my stupid self.

Or to restore the balance between your (not stupid at all) self and the needs/responsibilities of others...selfist perhaps more than selfish? Your H made choices which mean he is now ill without his old support team...sowing and reaping etc...and the text might be a brief insight into that for him, but it is his responsibility to sow different seeds if he wants something different...you get to choose where and how you sow your own seeds now.
BD - Oct 15, mostly silent vanishing husband, diagnosed with severe depression in Dec 15 & seeing psychiatrist/on ADs since then
OW since Apr 16, maybe earlier?
H filed Jan 17.
80/20 strategy for me in 2018

"her soul is fierce, her heart is brave, her mind is strong." R.H Sin
Grace is...Elegance, good will, unearned blessings, a prayer of thanks and how to address a duchess.
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Tyks

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #113 on: January 12, 2018, 12:06:14 PM »
One time in the early days I asked stbxh why I was the only person he didn't want to see. He would come and take the kids or go to his parents, etc.

His words to me were "Because I don't feel a connection to you"

Omg that hurt A LOT! This was like two or three months after bd.

So, I don't want to hurt anyones feelings and really I am speaaking for myself. If they don't feel a connection to someone then they can't miss them :(

DF, of course you are going to worry about him sick and alone. You are a kind and compassionate woman. But it does not hurt to remind yourself of your 2018 word!
Me 48
Him 48
22 years together - Married 20
BD1 - August 26, 2016 - ILYBINILWY
BD 2 - August 28, 2016 - OW discovered EA - Kicked him out - currently separated
D15 D18

April 2017 - Legal Separation Agreement
August 2017 - I filed for divorce

Offline beyondblessed

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #114 on: January 12, 2018, 02:16:05 PM »
Go easy on yourself, DF.  You want to help the man you thought you were married to all those years, not the @$$hole who now has the flu.

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #115 on: January 12, 2018, 02:59:42 PM »
Well you are sooooo much better than me DF. My H was sick for over a month allegedly. And all I could think was, “That’s your guilt and shame eating up your insides and spewing them everywhere.” Not very kind or compassionate I suppose. But yes, they are grown men who need to actually grow the F up.

Anyway—you’re doing great. And I still don’t believe you are selfish. Putting yourself first is a necessary component  to moving forward with your bada$$ self.
Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Offline No expectations

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #116 on: January 14, 2018, 11:54:10 AM »
DF,

KIT has it right!  Put DF first.   LB is going to take his own time through this.
Married 10 1/2 years, together 17.  BD 9/2016, 2nd BD 10/16.  H moved out 10/16.  2 AS's from my first M.  Me 55, H 49.  OW 23.

"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through; how you managed to survive.  You won't even be sure if the storm is really over.  But one thing is certain; when you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person that walked in...that's what this storm is all about."

"The trick is to enjoy life.  Don't wish away your days, waiting for better ones."

Offline DumbfoundedTopic starter

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #117 on: January 14, 2018, 08:31:25 PM »
Treasur - Being a lover of words I spent a good bit of time thinking about the word selfist.

Tyks - I totally agree that LB probably doesn’t feel any “connection” to me. It is just so crazy. How do you spend 20 years of your life building careers, a family, a home, creating traditions and then just suddenly totally lose your “connection” to the person you shared all of that with. After all LB has done and said to me in the last year, I still sit here thinking about buying him medicine because no matter how hard I try, I can’t break the “connection”.

Beyond - Thank you for sticking with me in this journey.

KIT- I am a bada$$ hot mess with this D. Thanks for being here to support me.

NoEx - LB is so lost I don’t even know how he would find his way out of the  mess at this point.

So no worries. LB has survived the flu and resurfaced. He sent me a long email Friday night about the ezpass and the cable bill. So, his attorney is pushing him forward to get things done. I should be able to get my own ezpass account now and have to decide what to do about the cable/phone/internet. Because I have nothing else to do if course.

I had to attend a meeting with MOW2 today. I sat next to BFF and was determined to just ignore MOW2 and not let her get to me. Everyone at the meeting is somewhat familiar with my issue with MOW2. She is an evil POS. I will not run and hide from her any longer. She is no threat to me. What has she won? LB? No prize there. She has lost more than she has won for sure and she will never replicate the life LB and I had together. There is no win for her - just years and years of alimony and child support and a sad, frustrated LB.

I had to laugh because after the meeting as people mingle a little I was chatting with MOW2’s brother and BFF about practicing parallel parking with D and BFF’s D. MOW2 shouted from across the room in an attempt to join the conversation. Oh sweetie, you are just embarrassing yourself. Nobody acknowledged her remarks.

LB has been emailing me all weekend saying he is reaching out to the kids to see if they want to hang out/have dinner. The kids are all off hanging out with friends and doing their own thing.. S’s basketball career is a hot mess... I spent 2 hours trying to talk my way into S’s room Thursday night after a disasterous game. Where is LB? Nowhere. No help.

D is terrified to drive on the highway. I suck it up and risk my life getting D driving on the highway because no bada$$ D of mine is going to be scared to drive on the highway. I talk her through the hysteria of driving in the busy supermarket parking lot. Where is LB? Nowhere. No help.

He is missing it. Their lives. Their growing up. He is not any kind of parent to them at this point. I wouldn’t miss it for the world. Unbelievable.

Every morning before S leaves for school I tell him I love him. He never says it back. Breaks my heart but he is wounded beyond all understanding. I get it. Tonight he gave me the biggest hug for no reason. It was amazing. Healing takes time... for all of us left behind by MLC.

Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline Upintheair

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #118 on: January 15, 2018, 02:47:04 AM »
Dumbfounded, I had to laugh when I read your "worry" about him being sick, without medicine. I am absolutely the same! Every time my h disappears for some time I desperately try to convince myself to give him medicine or make him food, because maybe he is sick. Luckily I can stop myself most of the time like you :)
Up
"Attachment is the great fabricator of illusions; reality can be attained only by someone who is detached."
Simone Weil
Bd: 03-2015

Offline Tyks

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #119 on: January 15, 2018, 03:49:34 AM »
Df, you are right. This mlc crap takes a long time to heal for everyone. A hug out of the blue from your s, awesome! Lb missed that too. I had thought that my kids were not being affected by this whole mess bc it just appeared that way. I was wrong again. D15 and I are closer than ever and she is smiling much more. D18 is finally coming around. Her mad at the world attitude is disipating. She is finally making good choices. Who cares about anything else, df, life is good!!!
Me 48
Him 48
22 years together - Married 20
BD1 - August 26, 2016 - ILYBINILWY
BD 2 - August 28, 2016 - OW discovered EA - Kicked him out - currently separated
D15 D18

April 2017 - Legal Separation Agreement
August 2017 - I filed for divorce

Offline Never say never

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #120 on: January 15, 2018, 06:24:50 AM »
DF, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you.  You are kind, compassionate and have a heart.  I would have done the exact same thing. 

Getting that hug from your son is what it's all about.  Those poor kids ... what must be going through their minds?  We have to remember that they are our gifts and we need to enjoy these special times with them because they do grow up.

It must be so frustrating to have to deal with your son's basketball woes because that is what a husband should be doing, but there again, this is your husband's loss.  Some day, we will look back at all this and realize how much we have grown and how this really had nothing to do with us at all.

Oh, those driving days ... remember it well.  I was taught how to drive in the cemetery.  My dad always said I couldn't hurt anyone that way.  Haha!  That is where I took my kids also in the beginning ;D ;D

Offline DumbfoundedTopic starter

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #121 on: January 16, 2018, 09:02:04 AM »
For those of you that think you can DO something minor and chase away the MLCer... yeah no. It is not possible.

Leaky Bucket is driving me bonkers. Ever since I told him that I would NOT co-parent with him via text and he could e-mail me any further co-parenting communications my e-mail is filled with emails about nothing. My new rule is - unless they contain a question mark I don't respond. He had to cancel dinner with the kids last Friday because he was sick (e-mail). I ignore. So, he e-mailed me to let me know he was going to reach out to the kids to see if they want to have dinner on Saturday (another e-mail). I ignore. The kids are off riding horses and watching football with friends. Good luck LB.

He has e-mailed me about the ezpass and cable issues (e-mail 3). I am working on those so no response yet. 

He emailed to see if I had  "any problem" with him having dinner with the kids on Monday night (4th email)  I reply -no problem but S has basketball from 6-7. 

He emailed to tell me he couldn't take S to basketball Monday because he was fixing the garage door (5th e-mail)  I Ignore.

Then he e-mails to tell me he fixed the garage door and he can take S to basketball. (6th email)  I ignore as it is 30 minutes before S's basketball practice and we are not doing this - I am not checking my e-mail every five minutes. He has to learn to make plans ahead of time.

Then he CALLS THE HOUSE phone and leaves a sad, pathetic message - I am talking the saddest LB voice he could muster - saying "if it would be helpful to me, he could take S to basketball tonight because the repair guy for the garage door had come early " "Call me back". I explode  - if it would be helpful? Call him back? Is he freaking kidding me? I am glad he can fix his mother's garage door because when our garage door broke 5 months ago when he and S were playing basketball he told S to tell me and ran away and didn't lift a finger or offer one red cent to fix it. I hope he had to leave work early. I hope the repair guy took pity on him and his flu.  I hope his parents made him pay for the repair. 

I tell S - Dad offered to take you to basketball. If that is good with you, call him back.  The payment is due for S's basketball lessons - snort. That is one way to get LB to pay for the kid's stuff. So, LB ended up taking S to and from basketball, paying for the month of basketball lessons AND got dinner for S and D. Woohoo! That ought to wear him out for a month.

That allowed me time to work on getting together some paperwork for the divorce that I had to search around for and research some cable tv options. D came home utterly disgusted as KFC was dinner - no other options allowed.

I am advised by another LBS that he is probably feeling like he is losing control with the D and making a power grab.  After MOW2's attempt at a power grab on Sunday, this advice makes a lot of sense to me.  They both seem to be feeling the strain of a new DF rising.           
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline bipolared

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #122 on: January 16, 2018, 01:24:31 PM »
DF, I still worry about my H, too when he is sick or whatever.  Then he says or does something awful and i'm like YES. And then I end up feeling bad for him again.

I think your rule is a good one.  Your H does not need the same consideration and care you give to your children who, by the way, will not forget that you do everything for them.  You sound like a great mom.
I'm not looking for my other half because I'm not half a person.

Offline No expectations

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #123 on: January 16, 2018, 06:08:43 PM »
DF,

When my H has gotten sick, I treat him like I would any other "friend".  "Let me know if I can do anything for you."  That's it.  He voluntarily chose to walk away from that elevated, H status.  So I will treat him as a friend, nothing more, nothing less.

How funny that the more we walk away, the more they try to draw us in.  You're doing great!
Married 10 1/2 years, together 17.  BD 9/2016, 2nd BD 10/16.  H moved out 10/16.  2 AS's from my first M.  Me 55, H 49.  OW 23.

"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through; how you managed to survive.  You won't even be sure if the storm is really over.  But one thing is certain; when you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person that walked in...that's what this storm is all about."

"The trick is to enjoy life.  Don't wish away your days, waiting for better ones."

Offline DumbfoundedTopic starter

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #124 on: January 17, 2018, 08:12:51 PM »
This divorce is driving me crazy!!!!!!  >:(

Up and down, back and forth, round and round. I think we have something settled and nope. He won’t agree on a value for the house. Won’t even propose a number. Has to have
an appraisal.  On custody he is all over the place - he wants me to agree to custody based on some hypothetical new house he is buying.  :o  Needs me to refinance the house in 6 months in my name.

He is treating the kids the same as the dining room table. He doesn’t ask them what they want in all of this mess. Just he gets them every Friday and Saturday - the end. What? So, I get them all week for homework and activities and he gets every weekend. Yeah that seems totally fair. Who is this person?

Sure sounds like he has big, secret plans ahead.

I am pulling my hair out. I just want this over and done and the kids safe and happy.
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline bipolared

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #125 on: January 18, 2018, 04:52:19 AM »
Do the kids have any say in your state?  I know my D's were old enough to put their foot down about how much time would be spent with their dad;  not that he wanted to spend any time with them at first ::)  I am sorry you are having to deal with him and hope he will settle on something reasonable before the kids are married themselves.  ((hugs to you))
I'm not looking for my other half because I'm not half a person.

Offline DumbfoundedTopic starter

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #126 on: January 18, 2018, 10:10:29 AM »
Yes Bi the kids get a say here in NJ. D16 can do whatever she wants. S12 has a say but it is not binding.

Either H's lawyer hasn't explained this to him or he isn't listening because he isn't asking the kids what they want. He just wants a court order requiring the kids to spend every other weekend with him. D will have none of it.   

I think I slept 4 hours last night. I am tired of being in this lifeboat with the kids looking for a safe haven. I just want us to be safe already. To be able to make plans and not worry about the house or the money or the utilities. It is so exhausting to be on guard all the time with no other person to have your back.

I keep wondering why he wants me to refinance the house so quickly... what is this new plan to move out of his parents house? Where is he going? Who is he going with? What money is he using to buy this new place? Are his parents kicking him out? Is he buying his parent's home? So many questions. I mean I guess I will get to know all of this eventually as he has to disclose all of this information to get the kids for overnights but why the big secret.   Of course, he is pushing for language in the settlement that says that once he gets his own place he automatically get the kids every other weekend. Um... no... he could be living in a studio apartment in a ghetto in Detroit using boxes as furniture...

If I had any thoughts that he missed me as part of "you guys" they are all gone now. I am pretty sure he hates me and is planning a new life that does not include me. It is mind numbing that someone you did so much for could hate you so much that they want to destroy you... take your kids and your security away and, instead, give it to ugly people.
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline Treasur

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #127 on: January 18, 2018, 09:47:21 PM »
It is mind numbing that someone you did so much for could hate you so much that they want to destroy you... take your kids and your security away and, instead, give it to ugly people.

Yup x1000. It is.
BD - Oct 15, mostly silent vanishing husband, diagnosed with severe depression in Dec 15 & seeing psychiatrist/on ADs since then
OW since Apr 16, maybe earlier?
H filed Jan 17.
80/20 strategy for me in 2018

"her soul is fierce, her heart is brave, her mind is strong." R.H Sin
Grace is...Elegance, good will, unearned blessings, a prayer of thanks and how to address a duchess.
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #128 on: January 19, 2018, 05:16:59 PM »
Every Friday and Saturday so he can be Disneyland Dad.

Ugh.

MLCers!
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9711.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #129 on: January 20, 2018, 02:10:49 PM »
DF just keep in mind that he likely won’t stick to his guns on the kids. He’s saying this now to show he is a good guy. A wonderful father. All part of not being the terrible person he knows he is right now. As personal as it feels, it really isn’t about you. He doesn’t hate you at all. He has no feelings for anything or anyone. That is apparent in his treating the kids Luke furniture. Did he do that before?

Anyway, I know none of this helps make your pain go away. It is never easy looking at your life partner knowing the person inside is a crazy, self absorbed teenager. We miss the old version. I’m praying that this process gets easier for you. Even bada$$es get sad from time to time. Take care if you. Hugs.
Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Offline DumbfoundedTopic starter

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #130 on: January 20, 2018, 07:55:21 PM »
So news flash...D tells me that BIL has “sold” his house and he and the boys are moving in to MILs at the beginning of February. This came up because as D and I were driving past BILs today there was all kinds of activity going on... trucks on the lawn and stuff loaded up in the trucks. MIL has gone back to Myrtle Beach and D says she is not coming back.  :o D says they are going to ruin MIL house and she is never going back to that house because she hates everyone there except nephew. No wonder LB is making noise about getting his own place. It is about to get really crowded at MILs with people who won’t care for him or clean up after themselves. I made a double batch of popcorn!!

In the meantime, LB begged out of Friday night with the kids because he had an “obligation”. But took S and a friend to a basketball game tonight.

I went out with a couple friends from high school Friday night to a wine bar back in my hometown. As I was headed out I passed LB’s street and LB’s car was at the stop sign. He sat there a moment and watched me drive past on the other side of the road. Yep. I am going out on the town.

They had a band at the wine bar and we closed the place down and consumed a few bottles of wine. Definitely going to do that again soon!!

I also found a new IC that I think I might like. I took the kids with me to my first  appointment because I want them to understand that this is an option for them if they feel they need it. The IC met with both kids privately and then met with me and she said “DF, the kids are both processing this ok. You are a good Mom. DF, you should see them light up when they talk about you. You are their point person - you are doing an amazing job of being that point person for them. That is all they need right now - a good solid point person they can trust and get unconditional love from.”

And with that, my prayers of “let me be enough for my kids” have been answered. We might all still be floating in our life boat, life vests securely fasted but we are all doing ok.
« Last Edit: January 20, 2018, 07:57:16 PM by Dumbfounded »
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline No expectations

  • MLCer Type: Clinging Boomerang
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  • Gender: Female
  • One day at a time. And time is my friend.
Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #131 on: January 20, 2018, 08:01:32 PM »
Oh DF, what a blessing and a relief that must be, to have that affirmation that the kids are doing well.   And it's all because of you.  You are amazing!
Married 10 1/2 years, together 17.  BD 9/2016, 2nd BD 10/16.  H moved out 10/16.  2 AS's from my first M.  Me 55, H 49.  OW 23.

"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through; how you managed to survive.  You won't even be sure if the storm is really over.  But one thing is certain; when you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person that walked in...that's what this storm is all about."

"The trick is to enjoy life.  Don't wish away your days, waiting for better ones."

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #132 on: January 20, 2018, 08:49:48 PM »
And with that, my prayers of “let me be enough for my kids” have been answered. We might all still be floating in our life boat, life vests securely fasted but we are all doing ok.

Amen!
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9711.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline Tyks

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #133 on: January 21, 2018, 03:52:16 AM »
DF, I need to send you the wall art i bought the other day. It says "you are enough". I have it on the stairwell so I can see it when I go up and down!

Keep being the point person :)
Me 48
Him 48
22 years together - Married 20
BD1 - August 26, 2016 - ILYBINILWY
BD 2 - August 28, 2016 - OW discovered EA - Kicked him out - currently separated
D15 D18

April 2017 - Legal Separation Agreement
August 2017 - I filed for divorce

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #134 on: January 21, 2018, 11:37:33 AM »
Yes you are enough. You are more than enough!
Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Offline beyondblessed

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #135 on: January 21, 2018, 04:06:11 PM »
Nice update, DF.  Your kids are blessed to have you as their Mom and point person.  You have always been enough and ate becoming more everyday.  Don't ever forget that.

And great to hear you are getting out there and living life.  Amazing feeling to be out from the shadows of this crisis, isn't it?

Offline MCSINME

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #136 on: January 21, 2018, 05:04:16 PM »
DF:
Must feel good to know that your kids are thriving because of you!  Sounds like you're doing a great job at showing them your love and availability.
Kudos to you!
You're "more than enough"!

MCS
M56
H57 - Live-in MLC
Met 1984
Married 1990
MLC Began after major move 12/2016
BD#1 EA 5/17 Found by accident, denial, lying
BD#2 EA/PA 11/17 Found by accident, still Denial and lying.  Currently at least one ow (39)

S16, S19, S22

"but those who have hope in the LORD will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint"  Isiah 40:31

Offline DumbfoundedTopic starter

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #137 on: January 22, 2018, 04:17:02 PM »
Thanks everyone. My apology but I am super busy between S’s basketball drama and this crazy divorce. I am way behind on everything. But I think of you all often and pray for you.

Appraiser is coming Saturday... My attorney and I are hitting Leaky Bucket with both guns blazing and his attorney is not getting paid and is getting weary of his antics. He is out of money and has no case. He has folded on the custody claim and the overnights and the alimony. I think I am a few deep breaths away from ending it.

Business hat on. Heart in a box. Keep going bada$$ style.  8)
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #138 on: January 22, 2018, 06:13:50 PM »

Business hat on. Heart in a box. Keep going bada$$ style.  8)

Good advice for me to follow as well, DF.  Sending support.
After all, tomorrow is another day.

Online CanLetGo

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #139 on: Today at 01:15:32 AM »
Good luck DF, tough times that you are managing well, glad things going your way with custody etc 😘
Me 44
H 47
3 young adult kids
BD December 2013, left home August 2014
OW 17 years younger


 

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