Author Topic: My Story What do you want for Christmas?  (Read 2455 times)

Offline Mae

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My Story Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #110 on: January 11, 2018, 01:03:26 PM »
Hi DF,

Oh we have such similar thoughts, except mine doesn't have OW (married or otherwise) to complicate the situation that I know of. I too wonder if I am included in the 'miss you guys' texts that my H would send our son....but I have stopped looking at these. I would always think 'does he miss me, does he think of me, or is he only missing 'the kids'? When my H was a bit lucid, I asked him, do you actually miss me, as a person? He said that it was really hard to separate 'me' as a distinct entity from the kids, so when he missed 'his family' I was all tied up with that. I found that difficult to accept because I wanted him to 'miss' me, his wife separately, if that makes sense, instead of being bundled along with the kids as if I were also 'one of the kids'. I also wanted him to come home for ME, not because the kids needed him....but of course because he couldn't make that distinction, coming home meant coming back to the full package.

I am kind of beyond such thoughts now....thankfully, my focus has definitely shifted away from him and us to just me now.

I also think depression makes them so much more susceptible to respiratory illnesses or to just illnesses in general. My H had a cold which he caught in early December and which when I saw him in early January he was still recovering from. It is very sad, I feel really sorry for my H....struggling with sleep, with a nagging cough he can't get rid of, living in a boarding house and sometimes having to sleep in his car.......but he chose those options, which when you think about it, are just sucky options to choose....ok he can't choose whether he has a cold or not, but those other things are optional.

You are unlikely to catch the flu though from LB if he shows up DF.......as I know you go out of your way to avoid him.
Me: 49
H: 40
S18, D15
Together for 19 years
BDay in 2004, 2011 and now March 5 2017
Ran away on 5 March BD
No OW
Returned home 'underdone' 1 July 2017.
Left again 22 October 2017.
H - Medicated & Zombie Like is NC

Offline DumbfoundedTopic starter

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #111 on: January 11, 2018, 07:43:18 PM »
Thank you Mae. Your words are comforting to me tonight. I suspected that “I miss you guys” might be a little of I miss my family. Of course, I have no idea but it is nice to think that there is something good to for him to miss about our family and it all wasn’t just a dream.

No LB tonight at S’s basketball game. Then I worry... sick with the flu all by himself. Is someone checking on him? Does he have medicine?  I actually considered dropping some medicine in his mailbox. I am an idiot. He is suing me... hasn’t lifted a finger for me in months and months, is trying to take my children away and I want to buy him medicine?

And that folks is why my word for 2018 is selfish. To save me from my stupid self. 
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Online Treasur

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #112 on: January 11, 2018, 10:32:57 PM »

And that folks is why my word for 2018 is selfish. To save me from my stupid self.

Or to restore the balance between your (not stupid at all) self and the needs/responsibilities of others...selfist perhaps more than selfish? Your H made choices which mean he is now ill without his old support team...sowing and reaping etc...and the text might be a brief insight into that for him, but it is his responsibility to sow different seeds if he wants something different...you get to choose where and how you sow your own seeds now.
BD - Oct 15, mostly silent vanishing husband, diagnosed with severe depression in Dec 15 & seeing psychiatrist/on ADs since then
OW since Apr 16, maybe earlier?
H filed Jan 17.
80/20 strategy for me in 2018

"her soul is fierce, her heart is brave, her mind is strong." R.H Sin
Grace is...Elegance, good will, unearned blessings, a prayer of thanks and how to address a duchess.
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Tyks

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #113 on: January 12, 2018, 12:06:14 PM »
One time in the early days I asked stbxh why I was the only person he didn't want to see. He would come and take the kids or go to his parents, etc.

His words to me were "Because I don't feel a connection to you"

Omg that hurt A LOT! This was like two or three months after bd.

So, I don't want to hurt anyones feelings and really I am speaaking for myself. If they don't feel a connection to someone then they can't miss them :(

DF, of course you are going to worry about him sick and alone. You are a kind and compassionate woman. But it does not hurt to remind yourself of your 2018 word!
Me 48
Him 48
22 years together - Married 20
BD1 - August 26, 2016 - ILYBINILWY
BD 2 - August 28, 2016 - OW discovered EA - Kicked him out - currently separated
D15 D18

April 2017 - Legal Separation Agreement
August 2017 - I filed for divorce

Offline beyondblessed

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #114 on: January 12, 2018, 02:16:05 PM »
Go easy on yourself, DF.  You want to help the man you thought you were married to all those years, not the @$$hole who now has the flu.

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #115 on: January 12, 2018, 02:59:42 PM »
Well you are sooooo much better than me DF. My H was sick for over a month allegedly. And all I could think was, “That’s your guilt and shame eating up your insides and spewing them everywhere.” Not very kind or compassionate I suppose. But yes, they are grown men who need to actually grow the F up.

Anyway—you’re doing great. And I still don’t believe you are selfish. Putting yourself first is a necessary component  to moving forward with your bada$$ self.
Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Offline No expectations

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #116 on: January 14, 2018, 11:54:10 AM »
DF,

KIT has it right!  Put DF first.   LB is going to take his own time through this.
Married 10 1/2 years, together 17.  BD 9/2016, 2nd BD 10/16.  H moved out 10/16.  2 AS's from my first M.  Me 55, H 49.  OW 23.

"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through; how you managed to survive.  You won't even be sure if the storm is really over.  But one thing is certain; when you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person that walked in...that's what this storm is all about."

"The trick is to enjoy life.  Don't wish away your days, waiting for better ones."

Offline DumbfoundedTopic starter

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #117 on: January 14, 2018, 08:31:25 PM »
Treasur - Being a lover of words I spent a good bit of time thinking about the word selfist.

Tyks - I totally agree that LB probably doesn’t feel any “connection” to me. It is just so crazy. How do you spend 20 years of your life building careers, a family, a home, creating traditions and then just suddenly totally lose your “connection” to the person you shared all of that with. After all LB has done and said to me in the last year, I still sit here thinking about buying him medicine because no matter how hard I try, I can’t break the “connection”.

Beyond - Thank you for sticking with me in this journey.

KIT- I am a bada$$ hot mess with this D. Thanks for being here to support me.

NoEx - LB is so lost I don’t even know how he would find his way out of the  mess at this point.

So no worries. LB has survived the flu and resurfaced. He sent me a long email Friday night about the ezpass and the cable bill. So, his attorney is pushing him forward to get things done. I should be able to get my own ezpass account now and have to decide what to do about the cable/phone/internet. Because I have nothing else to do if course.

I had to attend a meeting with MOW2 today. I sat next to BFF and was determined to just ignore MOW2 and not let her get to me. Everyone at the meeting is somewhat familiar with my issue with MOW2. She is an evil POS. I will not run and hide from her any longer. She is no threat to me. What has she won? LB? No prize there. She has lost more than she has won for sure and she will never replicate the life LB and I had together. There is no win for her - just years and years of alimony and child support and a sad, frustrated LB.

I had to laugh because after the meeting as people mingle a little I was chatting with MOW2’s brother and BFF about practicing parallel parking with D and BFF’s D. MOW2 shouted from across the room in an attempt to join the conversation. Oh sweetie, you are just embarrassing yourself. Nobody acknowledged her remarks.

LB has been emailing me all weekend saying he is reaching out to the kids to see if they want to hang out/have dinner. The kids are all off hanging out with friends and doing their own thing.. S’s basketball career is a hot mess... I spent 2 hours trying to talk my way into S’s room Thursday night after a disasterous game. Where is LB? Nowhere. No help.

D is terrified to drive on the highway. I suck it up and risk my life getting D driving on the highway because no bada$$ D of mine is going to be scared to drive on the highway. I talk her through the hysteria of driving in the busy supermarket parking lot. Where is LB? Nowhere. No help.

He is missing it. Their lives. Their growing up. He is not any kind of parent to them at this point. I wouldn’t miss it for the world. Unbelievable.

Every morning before S leaves for school I tell him I love him. He never says it back. Breaks my heart but he is wounded beyond all understanding. I get it. Tonight he gave me the biggest hug for no reason. It was amazing. Healing takes time... for all of us left behind by MLC.

Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Online Upintheair

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #118 on: January 15, 2018, 02:47:04 AM »
Dumbfounded, I had to laugh when I read your "worry" about him being sick, without medicine. I am absolutely the same! Every time my h disappears for some time I desperately try to convince myself to give him medicine or make him food, because maybe he is sick. Luckily I can stop myself most of the time like you :)
Up
"Attachment is the great fabricator of illusions; reality can be attained only by someone who is detached."
Simone Weil
Bd: 03-2015

Offline Tyks

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Re: What do you want for Christmas?
« Reply #119 on: January 15, 2018, 03:49:34 AM »
Df, you are right. This mlc crap takes a long time to heal for everyone. A hug out of the blue from your s, awesome! Lb missed that too. I had thought that my kids were not being affected by this whole mess bc it just appeared that way. I was wrong again. D15 and I are closer than ever and she is smiling much more. D18 is finally coming around. Her mad at the world attitude is disipating. She is finally making good choices. Who cares about anything else, df, life is good!!!
Me 48
Him 48
22 years together - Married 20
BD1 - August 26, 2016 - ILYBINILWY
BD 2 - August 28, 2016 - OW discovered EA - Kicked him out - currently separated
D15 D18

April 2017 - Legal Separation Agreement
August 2017 - I filed for divorce


 

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