Author Topic: My Story STANDING BRAVE  (Read 1584 times)

Online LionessTopic starter

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My Story STANDING BRAVE
« on: December 16, 2017, 09:42:11 AM »
I guess I really need to start a new thread.

Previous thread: http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8839.msg632439#msg632439

I have been on HS now for 18months and what a journey it has been! I find myself here often when my brain is monkeying at 3 am in the morning, when I am lonely and afraid. The many stories I have read here and the connections I have made a long the way have been the most consistent and positively healing thing over the last year and half since BD. I am so grateful that this forum exists and I hope my story one day helps at least one person here.

I decided to call this thread: Standing Brave, because it's about standing and it's about my attempt at being brave while I re-configure my stand. It's about me finding a purpose for myself, and accepting that my H is truly gone. For those who have been following my story, you probably know that my H never actually talks to me or acknowledges my presence and existence even though he skypes with S5 and S2 who live with me full time. So I know that "closure" is not in the cards for me, nor that my H . As things stand and have been for a year and half now, my H decided that he was done with our marriage, and that was the end of the discussion. Not once did I actually get to know why and what we were supposed to do after his decision. We never talked about how to deal with the fact that we had young children or that we were due to move overseas so I can pursue my Phd. Before I could make sense of what was happening, my H was with an OW and it was not his fault if he "fell in love so fast"! The next thing I know, I was thrown in a chaotic and painful frenzy when I was still nursing a 6 months old, and planning an international move. What followed, well, is contained in the last three threads on this forum. I understand my marriage is over, it breaks my heart every day, but I accept that it is. I raise my two wonderful babies alone, in England, with minimal financial help from h. He skypes witht he kids regularly and it is only through these Skypes, which I have consistently facilitated (the Family Court judge was rather pleased with me on this  ::) ::)) that I get to know how my H is doing.

So as I approach the 2 years mark of the cluster bomb that was my BD, I find myself more reflexive of the reality of my life: if there is one thing I have learned is that no matter what happens with my marriage (or whatever this is), I need to learn two things: to stand for myself and to be brave.
Standing: The way I see standing is that for me it's about honour, self respect and valuing one self. While it supposes that one's life is on hold in the hope of salvaging a marriage, I don't see it in that sense. Standing for me is first and foremost about honour: I chose to marry this man, I loved him with all my heart and i promised him that come hell or high water I would not leave him. I promised to honour him and to honour what we had together. Now, I understand fully that our marriage is not anymore. But my promise does not have to be nulled and void. I will continue to do my best to respect H, and to honour him by raising children who will love him despite all the pain he has brought into their lives. I will not remain married to him because it hurts my heart in unimaginable ways, and it is a pain I am simply not equipped to handle well. I have decided to divorce him as a way to protect my heart and to give myself a chance to breathe and look forward to a different future. I know that my H would not have had the courage to divorce me, so I am freeing him and freeing myself of this unhealthy rope that binds us. I have faith, that one day, definitely not soon, my H and I will meet again and hold hands. But that day is not today and my H is in a dark place, a place that brings darkness into mine and my kids life and I need to stand out of his way, I need to stand into the light.

Bravery: I have never had a life that one could call easy. I was born and grew up in a country that was at war, I lost my family in unspeakable ways at a very early age. I have had to be brave in times when I would have preferred to close my eyes and simply die. When I met my H and saw how he looked at me and how he held me in his arms I felt I was finally home. I learned to be less afraid, I learned to trust. It was a new country, with a new language and different customs. He was my shelter and with him on my side I grew into a strong and confident and smart woman and it felt like he was the glue that kept my worlds together. He was the only man who ever made me feel like I wanted to have children with. He was my home, my best friend, my love. When he exploded 18 months ago, after 10 years together, I thought my own life was going to shreds. I was knocked down badly, even though I worked so hard not to show it. A year and half later I have come to a point that once again, I must and shall be brave, to pick up the pieces of my life again and rebuild.

I must be brave and accept and thank my H for giving me those wonderful 10 years of peace and love, and most of all, for giving me these wonderful children who are the best thing that has ever happened to me. I must be brave and accept that my H gave me the best of what he could give me and that is all. I often wonder if he is mentally unwell or if he just turned into an @$$hole over night but whatever it is, I must be brave enough to accept it even if I cannot make sense of it. I must and will be brave to imagine a life in which I may raise two boys on my own, with no way for me to quantify their dad's input. That their views on the world and on life will depend mostly on how bravely I navigate this life I am dealt with terrifies me to the core but that is my life and there is nothing i can do about it. I was privileged enough to be able to pay for a good legal representation and to ensure that I at least live with them 95% of the time. That has been an incredible gift from the heavens and I feel so blessed to at least not be embroidered in another interminable custody fight with an irrational mlcer. Still, I must be brave and soldier on, not let any of this hold me down. I must be brave as I try to finish this PhD and find a suitable employment that allows me to raise my kids in a decent way. I must be brave in finding a way to learn how to concentrate on my school work despite my H's daily emails. I must and will be brave.

For the upcoming year, I pray for more courage, for patience with my H and for kindness towards him. I pray for a good health for myself and for the boys and I pray for time. Time to breathe, time to find my way. Time to stand brave, to stand in the light.
« Last Edit: December 17, 2017, 04:41:45 AM by Thunder »

Online Puzzled

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Re: STANDING BRAVE
« Reply #1 on: December 16, 2017, 04:12:51 PM »
Lioness, I'll be continuing on your journey with you.  You have shown amazing braveness and strength, and I like your determination to rebuild a good life.  Also, your gratefulness for what your H used to mean to you and for these incredible gifts that are your children jumped out at me.  I can imagine that finding gratefulness may be essential for us to heal from this experience.
Me: 46 (43 at BD1)
H: 52 (48 at BD1)
D: 9 (6 at BD1)
Met in 1995, married since 2000
BD 1: August 2014
BD 2: October 2015, moved abroad

Offline moc

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Re: STANDING BRAVE
« Reply #2 on: December 16, 2017, 05:30:22 PM »
Lioness: you write so eloquently and as I sit here tonight, I am not as brave as you are.  Your are gracious and have much love within you.  I am not at that point but would like to be one day.  I know this was a journey for you and you sound healed with your babies.  I look forward to reading your words as they were just an inspiration to me on this dark day.
~ avoiding the Damn Foolish Idealistic Narcissistic Crusade ~ MLC

~ MLCers: one fruitcake short of a Christmas

Online stillbaffled

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Re: STANDING BRAVE
« Reply #3 on: December 16, 2017, 08:42:36 PM »
I was hoping you'd start another thread.  I will be continuing on with you, Lioness.

Did H come over for the boys' birthdays? 

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Online LionessTopic starter

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Re: STANDING BRAVE
« Reply #4 on: December 16, 2017, 09:21:12 PM »
Thank you Puzzled, Moc and Still for your presence!

I just realized that my title actually says "Threat instead of Thread"  ;D ;D ;D Ah sometimes our hands type things we obviously feel on some subconscious level!

Still, can an admin please help fix this? I can change it on a post by post basis but would like to change the original title please help!
« Last Edit: December 16, 2017, 09:23:39 PM by Lioness »

Online LionessTopic starter

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Re: STANDING BRAVE
« Reply #5 on: December 16, 2017, 09:30:32 PM »
Journaling:

One of the toughest thing to wrap my head around is the nature of my H's MLC. My H is in a very special category of MLCers. He is not a vanisher, but he is not a typical clinging boomerang either. He is what you can call a "deeply incommunicative wallower". He doesn't really disappear, he emails me every day or so to let me know what time he will be calling the kids and to confirm that it is ok with me. Every time. I think I have spoken or posted about how these communications are the weirdest things I have ever seen. They all start the same way, consistently "Hello Lioness", whether it's an initial email or it's the 7th reply of the day. It took me time to know how to deal with them but once one of the forum members taught me the power of "Ok, that sounds good", I have mastered the art of replying to my H without sending my heart into a cycling episode, or literally rolling my eyes right back into the head!  :'( :'( :-X :-X . These communications are never about how the kids are, what they do or anything. Those are rarely if ever asked. I can tell when he is cycling too or when he is on an upswing episode: sometimes they are cocky sometimes they are sad. Obviously, since they are the only communications I have with him I used to spend so much time overanalyzing them. Now I don't and for the last few months, six or so, I have learned to limit them, mostly the number of replies I offer. I mean there is so many times one can confirm call schedules that happen at the same time every week. I know there are a other LBS who ignore completely their Hs emails but I can't because of the kids. So I read him but it took me time to learn how to manage them.

My H was here in the UK a week ago, to visit the boys. He was upset that I refused to invite him to their birthday party (I told him to organize his if he wants). Because we rarely see each other, I realize now that distance really helps. Even though my heart is still quite attached to this man, my reality, my every day life with the kids, pretty much has no space for him. A few crazy things happened when he was here:

** The day H arrived to pick up the kids, I asked my babysitter to take the kids to him downstairs. I still find it really hard to be in the same place with him. When the sitter arrived, H handed her an enveloppe with a card in it and £50.00 cash and wished her a Merry Christmas. She came back in and showed it to me and the card was to wish her Merry Christmas and to thank her for "helping him connect with his children"! OMG, this man who took me to court for "Child abuse", and who I still go above and beyond my will ensure that not only they can talk to him daily even though it is so disruptive, but that they actually hear nothing but good things about him (I am not the monster he wanted me to be), suddenly feels the sitter is the one to thank for his kids being able to connect with him? Ughhhhh....needless to say I never received a Chhristmas greetings card! Are you kidding me? But because MLC is MLC, there was no point in me picking up the phone to yell at him. I filed that in things that hurt my heart and my brain but over which I have absolutely no control.

** Then two days later, in the afternoon, I was at a bus stop near my house waiting for the bus when I sawH coming my way - I had not seen him since he arrived as the kids were handed by the babysitter. When he saw me, he started walking super fast and walked behind the bus shelter past me! I looked his way and he started signallinng that he was in a hurry, really like he didn't want to say hi! Then he yelled "I am rushing to get S5"! I said well you can say hi to me, I don't bite!" I smiled and he said hello but literally running off! I have to admit that as much as I understand that communication has broken down between us, I truly don't understand why? We have been apart for 18 months and he still couldn't have the courage to look me in the eyes and say hello? My lord what happened to this man? As usual, at first I felt like it was about me - I must have been such a horrible wife that even if i am raising this man's children on my own, he still doesn't see the need to act polite and conciliatory at the very least! But then come to think of it, this isn't about me! What the firetruck! That same evening, my sitter saw him  as he was dropping off the kids. I was coming in and apparently when he heard my voice he run off so quickly. Nanny said he was flustered! So either I am a monster or there is something deeply going on here that I cannot quite grasp!

** Two days before H was due to return to Canada, his biological dad passed away. The way I found out was so bizarre that I still can't quite understand what is going on with H. So I was due to get the boys on Sunday but that morning I was stranded in Belgium and wanted to call tell them that I would be home late and that the nanny was going to be the one home. I emailed H to ask to Skype and I only get this as a reply: Sorry, we are in church. Now, if you have been following my story you know that my H is more a New Agey type of spiritual person. He never went to churches unless my aunt was visiting as she is a devout catholic and h would just drop her off at church for mass. But that is all as far as I know. Prior to BD, my h paid $10K to attend "a human spirit warriorship" retreat led by a mormon woman turned budhist "teacher". So when I heard about him being in church I thought what on earth is going on now? But I didn't ask anything. An hour later I get another email (my H looooves emailing) to say that they are now out of the church and that I can call. Then 15 minutes later, he emails again to say that he was in church with the boys because his father passed away and he wanted me to know in case S5 asks any questions! That is how I found out. After the third email of the morning! You cannot make this stuff up!

I called a few minutes later and asked S5 I asked if he was around so I could offer my condolences. He didn't want to be on camera but I asked him what happened and that is when I found out that it was his bio dad not his adoptive dad (who raised him). I asked him if he was going to attend the funeral and he said that because his bio dad is Muslim they had to do the funeral right after he passed. I asked if he wanted to leave the boys earlier and he said he would bring them at the agreed upon time. And that was all the conversation.  I felt so sad because this dad never gave him closure and his mother never wanted to see him ever again. When we got married, my h was so torn because he wanted to invite him to the wedding but he didn't want to hurt his mother (45 years after they split, his mother still never wanted to see him. and I believe in this complex trauma is where my H's MLC took its roots). Anyway, I am glad I was able to "speak" to him even so briefly. It must have been the first time I was able to utter words that were kind and measured to him, without going into a tailspin myself. The next day he emailed to say that he caught a bad bug and wanted to know if the kids hadn't caught the same thing. They were fine so I told him so. I left it at that. I wished I could tell him he isn't alone - I know his family probably won't understand what the bio dad's death means to him - but given how things are between us, I put down my "fixer hat" and let things be just as they must.

Two days ago he emailed the following "Hello Lioness, How were the boys since I left Sunday? (I noticed that S2 is becoming more aware of my absence, when I leave, i..e more difficult for him)".  So there are three kinds of potential answers to this. Answer #1- No $h!te, what do you think Sherlock? Are you stupid? Answer #2:  Dear H,  the boys are absolutely devastated to see you go back to that basement studio you live in in Canada. They ask about you, especially S5, every day. S5 wonders if we will ever go back to "our home with daddy". Please stop this nonsense, tell me you are not losing your mind or at least you know something is wrong and you want to fix it for the boys. Tell me there is no other woman whistling in your ears that you are better off away from these beautiful babies we made. Tell me we are not forever forsaken. Answer #3, which is the one I sent: Hello H, thanks for checking in. The boys are both doing great! (Then I go yell and scream in my pillow and cry myself to sleep).

We leave for Canada in two days, the boys will be spending Christmas with h and his parents. I am dreading not spending Christmas with my children but i have reached out to friends to tell them that I anticipate a tough holiday period. So I was invited to spend Christmas with two wonderful friends who I consider family. I will leave the kids in Canada and go south to the US to be with them. I think considering the craziness of this life, I am lucky that I have people I can reach out to and who have known me long enough that I don't have to feel awkward about them. It's a true blessing. So even if I will miss the boys, I know I will be well cared for and that brings me a lot of joy.

Online FaithWalker

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Re: STANDING BRAVE
« Reply #6 on: December 16, 2017, 10:12:05 PM »
Hello Lioness,

J/K!

Yes, your MLCer is very bizarre.

Good to hear a post from you.  Does H know that you are there when he skypes the kids?  Maybe he just assumes that you are always gone and that the nanny is always there.  Who knows in that mixed up brain of his.

I hope that your travels are safe, and that the Holidays aren't too difficult without your precious babies.  I pray that the time goes quickly before you have them in your arms again!

(((HUGS)))
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9711.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Online Treasur

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Re: STANDING BRAVE
« Reply #7 on: December 16, 2017, 10:56:00 PM »
My timeline is similar, and some of my reflections too. I really like your thoughts on Standing and Being Brave in the insanity of this. Like you, I decided to recognise the man who was my H is lost but to try to find a way to let go that honours the vows I made to him. Like you, I decided to try to be brave enough to work with what I have while treasuring what was lost. I have wondered sometimes if, rather than failing to save my H, God actually protected me by removing him from my life...or at least for now.

None of this is easy, and I can't imagine how much harder it is with small children. Or being without them at this time of year, even though you are giving your boys the gift of time with their father (or someone who looks like him  ::)) I hope that your time with friends is at least a chance for you to feel cared for and looked after too.
BD - Oct 15, mostly silent vanishing husband, diagnosed with severe depression in Dec 15 & seeing psychiatrist/on ADs since then
OW since Apr 16, maybe earlier?
H filed Jan 17.
80/20 strategy for me in 2018

"her soul is fierce, her heart is brave, her mind is strong." R.H Sin
Grace is...Elegance, good will, unearned blessings, a prayer of thanks and how to address a duchess.
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online LionessTopic starter

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Re: STANDING BRAVE
« Reply #8 on: December 17, 2017, 12:10:19 AM »
Hello Lioness,

J/K!

Yes, your MLCer is very bizarre.

Good to hear a post from you.  Does H know that you are there when he skypes the kids?  Maybe he just assumes that you are always gone and that the nanny is always there.  Who knows in that mixed up brain of his.

I hope that your travels are safe, and that the Holidays aren't too difficult without your precious babies.  I pray that the time goes quickly before you have them in your arms again!

(((HUGS)))

Thank you so much Faith! Well it is true that the nanny is often home when he calls as I am still at work. Butthe H i know would have brought 2 cards because he would have known that the nanny only knows when to put the kids online because I let her know! Anyway I just hated that he was "playing favorites" with someone he doesn't even help me pay! But what am I doing trying to make sense of this man's behavior !
Ps: yesterday I was home when he called and he told S5 that he really liked the star we have on the Christmas tree! He usually rarely comments on anything in the house!

Online Treasur

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Re: STANDING BRAVE
« Reply #9 on: December 17, 2017, 12:15:39 AM »
It's a funny MLC gift when they do things that are just so bizarre, so unnecessary and so not in reaction to anything we've said or done...like a little reminder that a) they are bats$it crazy and b) never was about us  :)
BD - Oct 15, mostly silent vanishing husband, diagnosed with severe depression in Dec 15 & seeing psychiatrist/on ADs since then
OW since Apr 16, maybe earlier?
H filed Jan 17.
80/20 strategy for me in 2018

"her soul is fierce, her heart is brave, her mind is strong." R.H Sin
Grace is...Elegance, good will, unearned blessings, a prayer of thanks and how to address a duchess.
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg


 

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