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Author Topic: My Story STANDING BRAVE  (Read 1646 times)

Offline LionessTopic starter

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My Story Re: STANDING BRAVE
« Reply #10 on: December 17, 2017, 12:41:15 AM »
Exactly Treasur! So very true, but it is hard not to look for "our fault" in this! I mean I am certain I wasn't a perfect wife, no one is! But we had a good relationship, we had young children, we were planning an international move because he was really for me doing this PhD in a prestigious institution and i had just gotten him through graduate school in a programme he liked. We had always been supportive of each other and we were beyond helpful with each other.
We had issues for sure but we were generous, understanding and really kind towards each other in our marriage. While he was on the self absorbed nature (a writer and man of ideas more than I was really ) he was never the kind to "intentionally" be selfish! So yes, even two years in I really can't to seem to find enough of a strong reason for this kind of behaviour let alone of the cluster firetruck BD created! At BD he said he never wanted to marry me in the first place, that he suffered emotional abuse in the marriage and that he wanted to leave many times before but I wouldn't let him go! And then that he just stayed out of pity for poor me who had no family but him! So somedays I wonder : what if all of that is true and it really is about me? What if I am crazy as he says, that I was abusive and that he had had enough of me!  But then I think, wait a second, no, it isn't! This is not about me! I was a good wife, I respected him and his space, I yelled often after frustration had built up but even then why wouldn't he at least try marriage counselling? Wasn't our life worth that chance? Weren't the boys deserving of him trying to work out some arrangement that would be less traumatic?

While at times it was hard to find what it was that was my fault and what wasn't, I am now only learning to find things about us that I need to hold on to. Things I know were true. Your posts and reflections on that has been very helpful!

Quote
I have wondered sometimes if, rather than failing to save my H, God actually protected me by removing him from my life...or at least for now.


Yes, Very much this! A long time ago, I had a breakup with a boyfriend in my first year of university and I was heartbroken! Like I often did back then, I went to see Sister C, the nun who used to run the Catholic high school I had attended and who is like my spiritual guide. I remember her telling me that sometimes God has to forcefully remove things from your life when he knows they may hurt you but you aren't equipped to remove them on your own. At the time it was a boyfriend I really had fallen hard for but who didn't treat me right. This time though this theory just doesn't fit! Last night I was sad and read a card Sister C. wrote to me when I left my home country for Canada 15 yrs ago! I am not sure why God would give me a husband, make me feel settled and loved, give me a glimpse of a family life, to then take it all away! What could possibly be better than that which H and I had and the dreams we held for our family? It just doesn't add up!!!
« Last Edit: December 17, 2017, 12:58:20 AM by Lioness »

Offline Treasur

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Re: STANDING BRAVE
« Reply #11 on: December 17, 2017, 12:51:59 AM »
So somedays I wonder : what if all of that is true and it really is about me? But then I think, wait a second, no, it isn't! This is not about me! So I am now only learning to find things about us that I need to hold on to. Things I know were true. Your post and reflections on that has been very helpful!
We all do...but a bit of detachment helps us see that it just isn't our crazy but theirs...if it was ours, our M would have felt different and we would have been able to stop the crazy train  ;D

I am not sure though why God would give me a husband, make me feel settled and loved, to then take him away! It just doesn't add up!!!
I wondered that too...why God would 'let' my H destroy so many good things? My simple instinct now is that God isn't in charge of the destruction, that maybe he is trying to help H fight his own demons and that God took my broken H away to protect me from a darkness that I couldn't do anything about, that would hurt me more and break my ability to still feel love for my H. I do believe that when I have felt God's hand in small moments of grace, they have always been recognisable by their fruits...they give love and kindness and compassion, not the anger and fear and destruction of MLC.
BD - Oct 15, mostly silent vanishing husband, diagnosed with severe depression in Dec 15 & seeing psychiatrist/on ADs since then
OW since Apr 16, maybe earlier?
H filed Jan 17.
80/20 strategy for me in 2018

"her soul is fierce, her heart is brave, her mind is strong." R.H Sin
Grace is...Elegance, good will, unearned blessings, a prayer of thanks and how to address a duchess.
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline LionessTopic starter

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Re: STANDING BRAVE
« Reply #12 on: December 17, 2017, 01:30:27 AM »
Quote
I wondered that too...why God would 'let' my H destroy so many good things? My simple instinct now is that God isn't in charge of the destruction, that maybe he is trying to help H fight his own demons and that God took my broken H away to protect me from a darkness that I couldn't do anything about, that would hurt me more and break my ability to still feel love for my H.

I certainly do believe, very strongly, that divine forces (and my mother's spirit) are protecting me and the kids from drowning with my H and the darkness he is dealing with. Because there have been miracles after miracles in our lives over the last 18months that aren't just random. For starters that I was able to leave Canada with the boys, legally, was nothing but an act of God. That the boys seem happy and adjusting to this is another blessing. So yes, we are protected. I have written here before about my ambivalent relationship with God, but I am more and more being drawn to this idea that a supreme force exists and is wrapping its arms around me and my kids.

Offline Puzzled

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Re: STANDING BRAVE
« Reply #13 on: December 17, 2017, 03:14:04 PM »
I also can relate to feeling that there is divine intervention in our lives.  I strongly felt that God tried to prevent me from experiencing such great pain (by breaking H and me apart when we first dated).

Reading about your H's behavior, it is quite striking that he so blatantly avoids you.  Giving your babysitter a Christmas card and thanking her but not you?  Trying to run away when seeing/hearing you?  What is behind this -- feelings of guilt or knowing that after facing you, he would not be able to sustain the image he built up of you being Beelzebub himself disguised as a woman?  Also, it will be interesting to see if his bio dad's death will have a perceivable impact on his behavior.

Wishing you a lovely stay with your friends in the US!
Me: 46 (43 at BD1)
H: 52 (48 at BD1)
D: 9 (6 at BD1)
Met in 1995, married since 2000
BD 1: August 2014
BD 2: October 2015, moved abroad

Offline LionessTopic starter

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Re: STANDING BRAVE
« Reply #14 on: December 17, 2017, 04:21:22 PM »
Reading about your H's behavior, it is quite striking that he so blatantly avoids you.  Giving your babysitter a Christmas card and thanking her but not you?  Trying to run away when seeing/hearing you?  What is behind this -- feelings of guilt or knowing that after facing you, he would not be able to sustain the image he built up of you being Beelzebub himself disguised as a woman?  Also, it will be interesting to see if his bio dad's death will have a perceivable impact on his behavior.

Wishing you a lovely stay with your friends in the US!

Thank you Puzzled! Well I don't really get it either. While I believe he has built a version of our story in which I am of course the devil's older sister - and I must admit I still harbor so much grudge against him about it - I still find his inability or unwillingness to communicate with me  all the while ruffling around people whom he knows I am in very close contact with really perplexing ! I mean he knew the babysitter would tell me! When he was rushing to get past me, it was clear I could see him! I feel like he doesn't want to communicate with me but he still needs me to know what it is he is doing! I mean he emailed my aunt a little while ago that the kids are in good hands with me. He must have known that she would tell me! Or not, MLCers minds are hard to decipher!

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: STANDING BRAVE
« Reply #15 on: December 17, 2017, 05:29:18 PM »
Have a safe trip over across the pond, Lioness. 

I am glad you have friends to spend Christmas with.  I hope that you can find some peace and joy in Christmas, even though you are away from your lovelies. 

Sending good travel wishes your way. 
After all, tomorrow is another day.

Online moc

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Re: STANDING BRAVE
« Reply #16 on: December 17, 2017, 07:28:32 PM »
Ladies, I just want to say thank you for your words on this post.  I was reading along today and sorry to jump in on your thoughts.  I appreciate the following:

I have wondered sometimes if, rather than failing to save my H, God actually protected me by removing him from my life...or at least for now.


My simple instinct now is that God isn't in charge of the destruction, that maybe he is trying to help H fight his own demons and that God took my broken H away to protect me from a darkness that I couldn't do anything about, that would hurt me more and break my ability to still feel love for my H.

So I am sorry to tag along and comment I just want to say thank you for putting this honestly out there on the forum.  That has really helped me today with my MLCer wife.  That I can change the "H" to "W" for myself and repeat and repeat it to me.  Thank you so much!
~ avoiding the Damn Foolish Idealistic Narcissistic Crusade ~ MLC

~ MLCers: one fruitcake short of a Christmas

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: STANDING BRAVE
« Reply #17 on: December 18, 2017, 09:56:26 AM »
Wow Lioness. The nanny gift is truly crazy. And yet it does seem to fall in line with their need to be the good guy. See how nice I am? I’m giving nanny a thoughtful gift. My guess is he could care less what she does for the children and is more than well aware of all you have done and continue to do for your boys. He just cannot express that to YOU bc you are the reason for all that is wrong and unpleasant in his life right now.

I know how frustrating and hard it is to watch all of it though. To see them behave somewhat normal while treating us like we are the anti-Christ. It’s hard not to take that personally. Bc it is personal to us. Add in the holidays and our emotions are on high alert. So give yourself leave to be sad. I know you do that. Your strength, compassion, fortitude and grace astonish me continually! Whenever I feel overwhelmed and think there’s no possible way to get everything done, I think of you—with 2 small children all on her own. Amazing and inspiring.
Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: STANDING BRAVE
« Reply #18 on: December 18, 2017, 04:51:01 PM »
Ladies, I just want to say thank you for your words on this post.  I was reading along today and sorry to jump in on your thoughts.  I appreciate the following:

I have wondered sometimes if, rather than failing to save my H, God actually protected me by removing him from my life...or at least for now.


My simple instinct now is that God isn't in charge of the destruction, that maybe he is trying to help H fight his own demons and that God took my broken H away to protect me from a darkness that I couldn't do anything about, that would hurt me more and break my ability to still feel love for my H.

So I am sorry to tag along and comment I just want to say thank you for putting this honestly out there on the forum.  That has really helped me today with my MLCer wife.  That I can change the "H" to "W" for myself and repeat and repeat it to me.  Thank you so much!

I agree!
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9711.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline LionessTopic starter

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Re: STANDING BRAVE
« Reply #19 on: December 18, 2017, 09:20:31 PM »
Wow Lioness. The nanny gift is truly crazy. And yet it does seem to fall in line with their need to be the good guy. See how nice I am? I’m giving nanny a thoughtful gift. My guess is he could care less what she does for the children and is more than well aware of all you have done and continue to do for your boys. He just cannot express that to YOU bc you are the reason for all that is wrong and unpleasant in his life right now.

I know how frustrating and hard it is to watch all of it though. To see them behave somewhat normal while treating us like we are the anti-Christ. It’s hard not to take that personally. Bc it is personal to us. Add in the holidays and our emotions are on high alert. So give yourself leave to be sad. I know you do that. Your strength, compassion, fortitude and grace astonish me continually! Whenever I feel overwhelmed and think there’s no possible way to get everything done, I think of you—with 2 small children all on her own. Amazing and inspiring.

Thank you KIT. Yes, my H is absolutely hellbent on denying the reality of his treatment of me and showing everyone just how amazing he is. And at times I think he actually fools me too. I mean, every other day I think, my god,  LOOK AT such a wonderful man who loves his children and wants to be connected with them (that is what I hear and see in people's eyes when I tell them he calls every day), this is just about you Lioness: you are the bad person, the wrong one, you are the reason he couldn't be with you. He loves EVERYBODY ELSE except you. I have never experience such raw rejection in my life.


 

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