2
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Author Topic: My Story STANDING BRAVE  (Read 1583 times)

Online LionessTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 599
  • Gender: Female
  • I am a lioness. I walk my path fiercely.
My Story Re: STANDING BRAVE
« Reply #20 on: December 18, 2017, 10:01:59 PM »
JOURNALING:

It has been incredibly hard for me the last few days, I think partly because I have a tendency to experience trauma long AFTER it has happened and I was still dealing with H's last visit and the rejection - just sheer rejection I felt and saw in his eyes for me, perhaps even contempt of who I am as a person, as a mother and it's now slowly sending me in a small tailspin. My lord, I am hurt, in ways I have never been hurt before: to the core of my being. This man is actively making me question my self, my own memories of what my marriage was like every day and I am afraid I am slowly giving in, finding fault in my ways and just taking the blame.

The upcoming trip is also making my soul literally paralyzed. We leave tomorrow for Canada and I will have to communicate with H so that I can speak with the boys. I will see them in that family's home, enjoying Christmas without me, and knowing that this is how my boys will grow is like having your soul crushed over and over again. I never once thought that this is the life I would have, that I will be asking friends if I could go hide my pain in their fun and happy-filled homes so I can breathe a bit before I continue to carry it, for ever. But this is what I have become, a wandering ball of sorrow, and the saddest thing is that I, at some level, actually believe it is my fault what is happening to my boys and what's happened to me. I don't blame myself, I somehow just have internalized so much of what H said that all I can think of is, well, obviously I am the only person here who does not seem to get along with a man who gets along with everybody, who loves his children and whose family and friends find sane enough to believe all the things he tells them.

Yesterday was also our wedding anniversary, 10 years, 2 beautiful babies and he wouldn't even tell me, to my face, that we were done. I replayed the chaos of BD and realized that he never actually told me we were done, his mother did, when I called her crying the day after I found out he had been cheating. She said "He said he is done with you Lioness, and that you can go to England if you want but you cannot take the children". I remember starting to shake, right there right then, that him and his family were going to take my kids away. I remember the day after when I called his other friend, who literally refused to believe me when I said he had been cheating. He said "Lionness, you have to accept that he is done with you and that this doesn't change anything". I remember the shame I felt, every time he or his friends said that I was unable to "accept" that the marriage was over. I still feel something deeply painful when I read about "accepting the separation". I relieved these moments last night, I cried like never before and I am asking God or whomever deals with humanity's tears: Why? What is it about ME that makes this happen and how do I get rid of this pain? how do I stop worrying that my beautiful boys will end up just like their father? I mean isn't it this way, by broken families and unresolved issues, that our own MLCers started?

My boys, my lovely babies: how on earth am I going to raise two black boys, in this world full of hatred and bigotry and terror, without a solid father-figure and protect them from ending just like many other black boys: either dead or in jail before they even reach adulthood? How will I be both strong and fragile enough so they can be balanced? How will I do so when their father is nothing but a screen presence, without any input in their discipline? When he is not there to see them grow, go to their games and their plays, cheer on them? I was at my S5 nativity play the other day and he was beautiful and had memorized his line without even my help. I couldn't help but miss his father on his behalf, when I saw parents shuffle around to take pictures of their kids and their kids all beaming with pride. I can't help but cry when I realize that S2 won't know what a man does in the house, he has never seem one cook, bring flowers, kiss or treat me. All they see is me, hustling every morning to get them out of the house, or rushing them to finish their dinners. Of course I am strong, and they will know it. But how will they know how to breathe, if I cannot show it to them? how can I show it to them, if I cannot do it myself? And most importantly, who will take care of me so I can take care of them too?

I don't often get anxious, I rarely allow myself such things really - but lately, anxiety has been creeping in on me slowly. What's going to happen to my babies if I get sick? What if I fail at school and lose the only income I have? What if, what if, what if? What if I really can't mentally stay strong enough to take care of them - after all H said I was crazy at BD and that he was worried about me and what would happen to the boys if I go full mental - even though I had been married to the man for years and had never had any panick attack during that whole period, suddenly he is questioning my ability to take care of the kids. But what if he is right, what if this - me fighting to raise the boys on my own and do my studies - what if this is a battle that I have already lost and I am simply delaying the inevitable to use the words my H wrote to me after BD to say that we separating was meant to happen anyway. Oh my heart aches in a million ways when I think about all of this. Basically, what if he knows me better than I know myself and he is right, I am nothing but a ticking bomb of an explosion waiting to go off, at some point? What if he is right?

Self-doubt is a seriously horrible thing to have and I don't remember having this much self-doubt before. I don't remember question the very core of who I am, what I believe in and what I can and cannot tolerate. A friend told me yesterday that with time all this will clear but as that Anne Murray song says :
"All my friends say I'll survive
It just takes time
But I don't think time is gonna heal this broken heart
No I don't see how it can if it's broken all apart
A million miracles could never stop the pain
Or put all the pieces together again"

I know that somehow I will continue to live, that maybe I may even find it in me to fall for someone else again but I don't think my broken heart will ever heal. I have lost people before, too many that I can't really tell, and I know that one's heart does not really heal. It gets patched up over time, one learns tricks to appease the soul, but one cannot heal really. Losing my H, losing the dreams I had for us, losing a father for my children (if one more person says "oh but lioness, he still loves his children, (i.e he just wants a divorce from YOU)", I swear I am going to lose it), losing myself, I don't think I am ever going to heal and be strong and trusting and loving and whole again. My faith is so shaken, my core is lost. I am heartbroken, there is just no way around it.
« Last Edit: December 18, 2017, 10:12:25 PM by Lioness »

Online Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2077
  • Gender: Female
Re: STANDING BRAVE
« Reply #21 on: December 18, 2017, 11:39:00 PM »
Lioness, my darling girl...first I am sitting here holding your hand quietly and saying I know, I know it hurts and I know it's frightening and I know you feel lost in doubt and that you feel vulnerable and wounded. I know.

I want you to remind yourself, just for a moment, that last year life - at your H's hand - threw you a life-altering OMG motherf**ker of a trauma. It just did. No matter the whys and wherefores, it just did. Life punched you right in the face and threatened everything that matters most to you. It just did.

You existed before your H and before your M and before your boys. And Lioness has some fight in there, just like your name suggests. So, it's time to fight for your treasures and protect your cubs. I don't know if your H is in MLC, or an a$$hat, or depressed...right now, that's not the most important thing, and time will tell so it's ok to let that be for a moment. But his opinion of you is not germane right now and it won't help you, it's toxic - if he's in MLC, it's not about you, if he's an a$$hat, that's not your fault either. But your opinion of you is relevant and it can help you and your boys.

Someone said that depression is about the past and anxiety about the future...and as an LBS with kids, you have enough on your plate to deal with in the present too. I don't know what will happen with your H, neither do you, or what kind of father he will evolve into. But I see you getting beaten down by a whole bunch of 'what ifs' which aren't real and haven't happened yet...there are a lot of fine, good black boys and men out there who are testaments to fine, strong mothers who taught them pride and boundaries and self-respect and grace. I don't know how you will build a structure for life and a support system for you and your boys...but I know others have and I have absolute faith that you can. I believe in you, Lioness - by contrast, I wouldn't trust your H's judgment on what day of the week it is!

No, I don't think big wounds disappear as you say...I think we survive them and, as we slowly heal, the scars fade and we build up layers of new skin. Your instincts are sound, Lioness - spot on - you know that your job is to find a way to breathe, punch the doubt in the nose and show your boys the important lesson of how you deal with adversity gracefully. Small steps lead to bigger steps...but keeping your H's voice out of your head is the key right now...other people can support and encourage you, but right now, he is like a virus and you are going to do what you need to do to build a big protective bubble around you and your boys. He is a broken, disordered man right now and you can't fix him but you also can't let his crazy in either. It isn't your crazy and it was never about you or even your marriage.

I've read your words and I hear your spirit, Lioness. I know you can do it. Now, you just need to trust that you can too. We're here, and we will walk with you and your boys x
« Last Edit: December 18, 2017, 11:41:30 PM by Treasur »
BD - Oct 15, mostly silent vanishing husband, diagnosed with severe depression in Dec 15 & seeing psychiatrist/on ADs since then
OW since Apr 16, maybe earlier?
H filed Jan 17.
80/20 strategy for me in 2018

"her soul is fierce, her heart is brave, her mind is strong." R.H Sin
Grace is...Elegance, good will, unearned blessings, a prayer of thanks and how to address a duchess.
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online Puzzled

  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • *
  • Posts: 312
  • Gender: Female
Re: STANDING BRAVE
« Reply #22 on: December 19, 2017, 01:25:51 AM »
Lioness, I can feel your pain and am here, too, to hold your hand and walk with you.  When reading Treasur's eloquent post, I was nodding along.  Every sentence is spot on.  This is NOT about you, Lioness!  Your H is currently a mess, no matter how well he may fool others.  A "normal" separation, even if only one person wants it, looks differently, I'm sure.  If it were, he wouldn't let you move across the Atlantic and blatantly ignore you or literally run away from you and report you to child protective services.  He would firm up terms that spell out custody arrangements and be involved in schooling decisions etc.  He would be willing to PAY adequately so that his boys are well taken care of while their mom gets her PhD.  Please try to shrug off his voice and words, they rather describe him, not you.
Lots of hugs to you!  You are lovely.
Me: 46 (43 at BD1)
H: 52 (48 at BD1)
D: 9 (6 at BD1)
Met in 1995, married since 2000
BD 1: August 2014
BD 2: October 2015, moved abroad

Online LionessTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 599
  • Gender: Female
  • I am a lioness. I walk my path fiercely.
Re: STANDING BRAVE
« Reply #23 on: December 19, 2017, 02:06:13 AM »
Thank you Treasur and Puzzled. I appreciate your kind words and your reassurance. I am a mess I think. This morning I went to drop off S5 to school and realized that most parents had brought flowers and christmas cards to give to the teachers to thank them. I of course have none of that. I felt awful, like my kid is going to be known as the one whose mom is a single mother. The one who isn't involved in parents' things, the one whose mother is always rushed!

I felt terrible that I simply keep up with all that "normal" families do, that my kids will be isolated as a result. I know this is more in my head, and that in a couple weeks it will not matter at all. But this nagging feeling that I just won't be able to pull it off is killing me! Even though in my head I know I am doing well and that my kids are happy and adjusted and well behaved, in my heart well it's another story.

I will try to keep reminding myself that H does not get to DEFINE ME, and that his opinion of who I am doesn't matter. He is the one who is a coward, while I am alone in the trenches of early childhood parenting. He is the one who was cruel enough to call child services and sue me for child abuse when I was trying to stop my breastmilk from drying up so I can nurse my child until he was at least 1 year old. Please tell me that somewhere in this universe or the next, there is a vengeful God who will venge me, who will help me rise from this pain and stand strong. I am 37 years old, raising two young boys on my own, without no reliable strong income and a husband who clearly enjoys mental torture.

I am tired of hurting, I am tired of being strong. I want to crawl in my bed and sleep and dream of sunny and beautiful places and of my kids happy and playful. I want this man gone from my life, or at the very least from my head so I can start again without him hovering over me. I understand a father is important but OMG I can't see how an MLCer dad is in any way shape or form an advantage for the kids. The other day, after I told S5 that I didn't have money to buy him this one toy he wanted, he asked me if I wanted him to talk to his dad to give me money. I said no, and I was sad because I realized that he does know what is really going on.

Yesterday my best friend and her parents came to visit me: they live in France and they made the trip so we can have a "home Christmas" before the boys go off to Canada. I see all these friends around me, loving and supportive and I panic that I will disappoint them if I fall apart with this MLC. Obviously the continued stonewalling in our communication H and I, or whatever, is overwhelming me. I am wondering if I need to be the one making efforts to tell him about the kids etc but at the same time dealing with his stupid emails which will result in any increased level of "child-focused" communication will send me in a tailspin. When I told my BFF's mom that I find it hard to deal with H and his "un-communicative communications", she asked me if I try to be "nice and tell him things about the kids as a way to help with communication", and I felt slightly that she was saying I need to "set aside my feelings" but the kids need me more than they need him at the moment and at the moment I need myself sane. It's hard to know how to navigate this. I am just so worried of falling apart!

Online Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2077
  • Gender: Female
Re: STANDING BRAVE
« Reply #24 on: December 19, 2017, 02:27:35 AM »
I felt awful, like my kid is going to be known as the one whose mom is a single mother. The one who isn't involved in parents' things, the one whose mother is always rushed!
Pfft - a (married) friend of mine calls it the schoolyard mafia, and always feels bad that she doesn't have time or skill for baking cakes or making elaborate costumes...you're a busy woman, f**k 'em

I know this is more in my head, and that in a couple weeks it will not matter at all. 
Quite right...ride the cycle, it will pass

I will try to keep reminding myself that H does not get to DEFINE ME, and that his opinion of who I am doesn't matter. He is the one who is a coward, while I am alone in the trenches of early childhood parenting. He is the one who was cruel enough to call child services and sue me for child abuse when I was trying to stop my breastmilk from drying up so I can nurse my child until he was at least 1 year old.
Seriously, what kind of sane adult parent does this? Bats$it crazy MLC, that's who. Wouldn't trust his opinion on anything right now, let alone you.

I am tired of hurting, I am tired of being strong.
And maybe the 'gift' of the boys being away is that you can crawl into bed. You're understandably exhausted. Take the time for a bit of sleep, food and simple self-TLC

I see all these friends around me, loving and supportive and I panic that I will disappoint them if I fall apart with this MLC.
They won't be thinking that way and you won't fall apart - or not for long before you get up again

but the kids need me more than they need him at the moment and at the moment I need myself sane.
Yes, a thousand times yes...so that's your No 1 job right now
BD - Oct 15, mostly silent vanishing husband, diagnosed with severe depression in Dec 15 & seeing psychiatrist/on ADs since then
OW since Apr 16, maybe earlier?
H filed Jan 17.
80/20 strategy for me in 2018

"her soul is fierce, her heart is brave, her mind is strong." R.H Sin
Grace is...Elegance, good will, unearned blessings, a prayer of thanks and how to address a duchess.
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Philadelphiagirl

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 337
  • Gender: Female
Re: STANDING BRAVE
« Reply #25 on: December 19, 2017, 04:03:04 AM »
Hi, just sending you love and support. My wedding anniversary was yesterday. I know how difficult this all is. You are incredibly strong and are looking after your boys so well. I am the school parent who is disorganised but I have just let it go. I am on my own here and so can only do so much. We should be able to rely on the ML'er for at least help with the kids but we cannot rely on them for anything. Take care of yourself over Christmas, next year is going to be our year! Take care, Phillyg xxx 

Online LionessTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 599
  • Gender: Female
  • I am a lioness. I walk my path fiercely.
Re: STANDING BRAVE
« Reply #26 on: December 19, 2017, 08:23:33 AM »
Thank you Philly. I hope you are doing well too. Well this afternoon was a bit of a disaster as I forgot that since it was the last day of school, there was no after school club. So I was at work when I got a call that my kid was waiting for me to be picked up. Ughhh....it just feels like nothing is working out right today. But, thank God it is over and done. As you say PG, next year is our year! Merry Christmas friend.

Offline Tyks

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1435
  • Gender: Female
Re: STANDING BRAVE
« Reply #27 on: December 19, 2017, 09:29:47 AM »
Lioness, it is just a cycle because of the holidays and your upcoming trip.  Let yourself feel it and then pick yourself up and carry on.  Continue faking it if you must.  In the long run you have won.  You fought for custody and you won.  You are a winner-winner!!!
Me 48
Him 48
22 years together - Married 20
BD1 - August 26, 2016 - ILYBINILWY
BD 2 - August 28, 2016 - OW discovered EA - Kicked him out - currently separated
D15 D18

April 2017 - Legal Separation Agreement
August 2017 - I filed for divorce

Online LionessTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 599
  • Gender: Female
  • I am a lioness. I walk my path fiercely.
Re: STANDING BRAVE
« Reply #28 on: December 19, 2017, 09:37:35 AM »
Thank you Tyks, for visiting my thread and for reminding me of this VERY IMPORTANT detail:I fought for my kids and I won. I won.
Yes, I can see how this is a phase, I can see how crazy it is and yet I can't seem to stop it this time. It is so weird. My mind is here and there all at once.

Offline Velika

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2465
  • Gender: Female
Re: STANDING BRAVE
« Reply #29 on: December 19, 2017, 10:21:23 AM »
Lioness, I can deeply relate. I think there is a ton of pressure from people who just do not know and can't hear us say how very unwell and/or disordered our former spouses are. They don't understand how we have to protect ourselves and just what we have dealt with, and the ongoing trauma of dealing with someone whose interactions are almost reptilian.

I actually feel (and you know this) that you — and many of us mothers — are dealing not with divorce but abuse. Therefore, the advice is not correct. If your ex had beat you severely, your best friend's mom would not be giving you this same advice. However, because the bruises are not evident, you are being asked to do something that I think is ultimately not in anyone's best interest, which is to pretend that abuse is okay, normal, and something that is the victim's responsibility to manage.

My therapist told me that when someone won't own the shame of their crimes, then the victim ends up bearing the shame. This is most often recognized in case of rape or sexual harassment, and less so with other types of abuse. Our exes have done such a good job of shocking us and in this vulnerable state putting their shame onto us that we now have a hard time disentangling from it. What is worse, because of the children, they have our heart in a vice grip.

I would really like to become someone who is vocal about emotional abuse and find a way to speak up that shows just how creepy these perpetrators are. I feel disgusted with your ex and mine, as you know, and for the cowardly and disgusting way they have treated us.

As time goes on, I feel even more affronted by how they have treated our children. I would like to know of one mother whose ex regularly beat her who would be told that it was her responsibility to hide this crime and mistreatment from the children.


 

Legal Disclaimer
The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.
Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.
This disclaimer is also included in the Forum's Registration Agreement.