Author Topic: My Story STANDING BRAVE  (Read 1585 times)

Online LionessTopic starter

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My Story Re: STANDING BRAVE
« Reply #90 on: January 12, 2018, 08:22:30 AM »
Well he is no where near cooked, but he is certainly scrambled.  8)

Mortes you are a great punster!

Offline Tyks

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Re: STANDING BRAVE
« Reply #91 on: January 12, 2018, 08:56:26 AM »
I wanna be like you when I grow up, Lioness! I cannot believe that you did not have a reaction. Darn, I just cant get that part down :(
Me 48
Him 48
22 years together - Married 20
BD1 - August 26, 2016 - ILYBINILWY
BD 2 - August 28, 2016 - OW discovered EA - Kicked him out - currently separated
D15 D18

April 2017 - Legal Separation Agreement
August 2017 - I filed for divorce

Offline Velika

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Re: STANDING BRAVE
« Reply #92 on: January 12, 2018, 10:08:06 AM »
L you handled so masterfully! Brava!! 💛

Online LionessTopic starter

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Re: STANDING BRAVE
« Reply #93 on: January 12, 2018, 12:49:32 PM »
Thank you V and Tyks! Honestly I don't really feel that it matters, in the long scheme of things, to fight with h over this recent behaviour. In many ways I even feel sorry for him. It must be so hard to live with such a messed up mind, let alone a broken soul. So I will not add to it by engaging with it. The most important thing to me and my life is my children and they are largely protected. So the rest seems nothing but trivial firetruck ups of a man without a heart.


Online LionessTopic starter

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Re: STANDING BRAVE
« Reply #94 on: January 12, 2018, 01:13:56 PM »
Continuing to journal

It has been an interesting week since my last exchange with H. Like I told him, I have kept my word of not emailing no matter what. I have also made sure the boys are online on time. We are now fully recovered and the boys seem to be happy in the routine and structure we have.

There was however one thing that was really hard and I think all this was taking a toll on my health because I have been having difficulty sleeping, with my thoughts racing most of the time. I have discovered the relaxation music on Youtube - thanks to a video Velika shared with me - and it is helping but last week was hard. I was also not often able to do the evening bedtime story time with the kids because my heart just wasn't into it. They watched way too many movies. I feel like it was my way of grieving once more, of accepting that my life is indeed changing before my own eyes.

I had a long chat with an old friend a couple of days ago and it reminded me that I am surrounded by people who in many ways are my "witnesses", who know my story and how it all started and who remind me that none of this was my fault. I may not have been a perfect wife but I and the boys didn't deserve this from h. In a way it validates what I know. That the last two years have been insanely painful even if I am strong enough to live with them, that my boys are resilient and that we will pull through, that I was once married to a kind and gentle man, and that I will find my way back to being grounded again.

H has been quiet since last week too, he emailed a day ago to ask if the "we were online" - I suspect he was on Skype and was impatient if we were slightly late to get online although we put the kids on Skype at exactly 8:03pm!
I am feeling much better focused on my self, and although I cannot really say that I am further along in my detachment from the chaos, I am way way further down than I was three or four months ago.

I am learning a lot about detachment, about what contact and no contact really means. I have also learned a lot from Treasur's approach to emails - while I cannot afford not to read his emails, I can limit them. It's really interesting when you stop and think about what you like and not the MLCer. I created a new gmail account and called it S1&S2's email adress, and I told h to use that one - to me it feels right that if we are communicating about kids only then we will do it through an email adress that is different from my personal/professional email account. Then I put it on my computer at home and do not have access to it until I come home in the evening. This means that during the day I am not going to have to read one of his emails while I am at the department. It means I am controling that little bit of my life, the best way I can. And by not replying so often, I am also sending him a message that I am not available all the time. While I had told him that I wasn't accessing emails often when he came last December, now I am actually following through he can see it at the very least.

I am starting the new year with one goal and one goal only with regards to MLCer: to keep myself and my boys protected even further from MLCer by using strong boundaries, by applying "focused" contact, by being kind and polite in my interactions with him but not intervening in his affairs, and by trying to get my lawyer to get me more child support monies from him. I will go ahead with the divorce because I believe I deserve the older H but definitely do not want anything to do with this one.

Otherwise, I am trying to find my foot again and focus on my work here at school and I have faith that it will work out in the end. He may have broken my heart and robbed my children of their innocence but he cannot, he will not break my will to survive and even thrive. Happy 2018 to you all friends! We got this!

Offline Mitzpah

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Re: STANDING BRAVE
« Reply #95 on: January 12, 2018, 01:54:27 PM »
Well he is no where near cooked, but he is certainly scrambled.  8)
[/quote/]

I agree!   

Lioness, you have my admiration!!
M 56
H 56
S 25
S 24
D 22
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: STANDING BRAVE
« Reply #96 on: January 12, 2018, 02:42:13 PM »
Ok Lioness, I must join all others in saying how wonderfully you handled this situation. I am sure I would have lost my sh!te a d spewed all over my H. And I have. I like what you say about the older H, bc who we are dealing with are definitely aliens. And yours in particular seems to want so badly to control one thing in his life bc he is otherwise so out of control. Amazing isn’t it that he chooses to try to control YOU? The person he abandoned. But that is part of their script too.

Ok I know we are not supposed to pay any attention to the OW. But really.....who in their right mind would take up with a man living with his parents?  And then choose to stay there when his small children are there? Never mind the fact that these MLCers are extremely damaged, and undatable in their present condition. What a tragic, sad being this person must be. Almost makes you pity them. Almost.

Ok rant over. I’ll end with this: Lioness I think you are my hero! Hugs friend. I know this is excruciating at times, but wow, your boys have one strong amazing Lioness raising them!
Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Online FaithWalker

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Re: STANDING BRAVE
« Reply #97 on: January 12, 2018, 11:58:52 PM »
Agreeing with everyone else!  What a great update.  Stay strong, Lioness!  You've got this.
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9711.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Online LionessTopic starter

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Re: STANDING BRAVE
« Reply #98 on: January 13, 2018, 11:47:38 AM »
Awww....Mitz, KIT and FW, your words meant a lot to me. Thank you for encouraging me, God knows how validation is important in this MLC!

I had a weird last couple of days, where I haven't been able to work at all and all I want to do is sleeping. It's weird but at the same time I feel like my body is telling me that is what I need. I have also been reflecting more on what this new year will be about for me and for the boys. For the first time since BD, I actually feel good hanging out with the kids. The other day I took S5 for pizza after school and I loved being with my little guy. I am not as overwhelmed by grief and sadness when I look in their eyes, although more often than not I feel like hiding from them, so they don't see my face and how lost I must look most of the time. Overall though, we have had a positive start to the year.

School term for myself starts this coming week and while I can't say that I am certainly ready for it, I am looking forward to it and to how reassuring the daily grind will be. I am a bit anxious about how little concentration I seem to have but I figure I will have to fake it until I actually make it. Just like MLC's shenanigans. If I force myself to think that I am doing ok, eventually all will be ok  :o :o :o. I think i am going to throw myself into my work, literally and figuratively and hopefully that will save me, if only to keep me further away to thinking that I am going to be divorced at 38years of age, a single mom and immigrant to a new country yet again and with a burden of an ex-husband who at best is angry and depressed and at worst bat-$h!te crazy, with a particular obsession to Skyping with the children every day of the week even if he actually knows nothing about them or their lives and pays little support. One day, I swear, I will write a book about this ordeal, it shouldn't go untold!

Divorce will be an interesting process, one that I am not sure what it will look like. My lawyer wants to serve H when he will next be here, instead of him receiving the paperwork in Canada. At this point, we don't really know if and when that will be. If he, like he asked, wants the kids in March, I will tell them to come and pick them so maybe then he can have the divorce petition served to him. I don't know though if that is going to happen, given that he will need to fly here, fly the kids to canada, bring them back, fly back to Canada. I doubt that he will want to spend that much money three times a year. I also doubt if he will actually follow up with what he had said about moving to England to be with the kids. I have learned not to trust a single thing H says until I see it in action and at the moment the man is all over the map. Or maybe I am the crazy one and he is a strong, stable genius??  :o :o :o :o :-[ :-[ :-[ :-[

On the personal development front, since I have been having some sleep problems, I am thinking of picking up weekly jogging again - it might help ease the tension and anxiety I may have been accumulating I think. I also went to see my therapist yesterday and she recommends to stay the course. It feels like all I do is talk and talk and process what happened with H - I think it is helping me not fall into depression but at the same time I am tired and my head just wants to rest if that makes sense. So I need to bring my body back into motion again, even practice those cycling skills I learned last November. One of the things i am finding particularly challenging is this fear (irrational of course) that something terrible (like an accident or a really bad illness like cancer) is going to happen to me and that my H will use it to take the kids from me or that I will die and leave them with a crazy father and his messed up family. I know it's irrational but oh my god it terrifies me! Please tell me that I am not going crazy and that these fears are justified! Or at the very least justifiable! My therapist says it's normal to fear losing the kids.

Anyway, as to make matters worse, on thursday morning I was taking S5 to school and as we got on the bus the floor was wet and it had been drizzling all morning. The bus took off suddenly and I slid and fell on my knee and while I don't think I have a serious injury I hurt my knee and my upper leg/lower back has been acting funny. I contacted the company and made a proper claim and they are investigating the matter but oh my god it made my fear and nightmare seem so real! So I am still recovering from the shock of that too and today have been feeling a little low. How on earth will I be able to raise 2 kids this young and finish school and deal with h and remain sane? It seems unsurmountable at times and today felt like one of those times.

Online Puzzled

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Re: STANDING BRAVE
« Reply #99 on: January 13, 2018, 12:34:29 PM »
Hi Lioness,

I totally understand your fears -- the thought of what would happen to D9 if I passed away does cross my mind as well.  Luckily, my parents are close by and D9 feels very comfortable with them but they are getting to their mid-seventies and are no longer that active.  And I know that H is too caught up with himself that he would be able to care for D9's emotional needs.  Thinking about how abandoned D9 would feel if I suddenly disappeared from her life is heart-breaking.

You've handled your H's provocations with OW and attempts to control everything like a pro!   ::) about wanting to set the dates immediately for one year in advance and for including a photo of OW...

Thinking of you and sending strength your way,
Puzzled
Me: 46 (43 at BD1)
H: 52 (48 at BD1)
D: 9 (6 at BD1)
Met in 1995, married since 2000
BD 1: August 2014
BD 2: October 2015, moved abroad


 

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