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Author Topic: My Story Divorce  (Read 2016 times)

Offline SilverTopic starter

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My Story Divorce
« on: December 26, 2017, 05:34:19 AM »
My previous thread:
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9592.0

I have no strength atm to make a summary about my story more than:
Being together almost 12 years, married 5, kids D9 and S4.
BD at oct 2016. After that a hellish year with rapid cycling and following script, pure replay with FA, EA, not sure if PA. Several OM:s anyway.

Today, she posted the final D papers. I didn't sign anything but it is not needed in my country as 6 months thinking time is over.
Takes perhaps 1-2 weeks to get a letter from officials stating that I am legally divorced.
It is my 2nd divorce so I guess I am a veteran already and get over this too.
Feels just so very bad atm, really need to breathe and gather my strength to start making necessary practical stuff for the house and all that.

Her? She seems to be calm and happy having to made her mind up finally, which hurts me at least as much as the D itself.

This, my friends is my dark moment, not first of them but the worst as LBS definitely. Too much in me atm to put it here more than this.


"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Online CanLetGo

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #1 on: December 26, 2017, 05:46:14 AM »
Oh Silver, a dark day indeed, so very sorry. But, as much as it is a milestone day and overwhelming, also I do see it as script, and not necessarily the end of your journey together, unless you choose for it to be. Your W still running, running, and she must think this will make her feel better somehow. I think she will find out she is wrong. However, for now, please keep breathing, do whatever you can to get you through this very hard time, it will pass and you will start to feel equilibrium again, soon I hope. Thinking of you, take care
Me 44
H 47
3 young adult kids
BD December 2013, left home August 2014
OW 17 years younger

Offline Treasur

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #2 on: December 26, 2017, 06:08:40 AM »
I'm so sorry, Silver. You're in my prayers tonight x
BD - Oct 15, mostly silent vanishing husband, diagnosed with severe depression in Dec 15 & seeing psychiatrist/on ADs since then
OW since Apr 16, maybe earlier?
H filed Jan 17.
80/20 strategy for me in 2018

"her soul is fierce, her heart is brave, her mind is strong." R.H Sin
Grace is...Elegance, good will, unearned blessings, a prayer of thanks and how to address a duchess.
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Mitzpah

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #3 on: December 26, 2017, 06:09:55 AM »
Silver,

I am sorry - I hope you find some peace.
M 56
H 56
S 25
S 24
D 22
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Offline Thunder

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #4 on: December 26, 2017, 06:17:11 AM »
Darn it, Silver.  I'm so very sorry.  I think you knew she was going to finally do it, but when it happens it is very hurtful.  Almost like a bd all over again.

I felt the same way.  Not shocked just terribly sad.

Just know Silver, none of this has to do with you.  She is in her own little La La Land.
Where nothing is real it's all a great fantasy.  Fantasies don't last.

I am divorced twice too, that's why I will not get married again.  No more.

Sending you a GIGANTIC, warm hug!  I wish I could give it to you in person.
Talk to us when you're ready.  We're here for you.
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline Acorn

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #5 on: December 26, 2017, 06:32:11 AM »
O Silver...
This is really a punch to your gut even though you were realistic about it. I so wish we could all jet over and form a protective ring of empathy and friendship around you.  Since it is not possible to do that, please come here and rant when you feel up to it.  We are here for you.

I must also say that you fought a really good fight to keep your M.  You put everything into it.  Despite all that, D has come to pass.  This shows you that her MLC had nothing to do with you or your efforts. In a normal situation, when one person puts in so much effort into R, his partner would respond likewise.  This is nothing but ‘normal’.  Please keep in your mind that you put in a heroic effort to make your relationship work.  Nothing was good enough for her because it wasn’t about you. 

Thinking of you and praying that God will carry you...

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Feb 2015: H has a Nuclear meltdown.  A tear-fest.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Still home

Offline Mybeautifulfamily

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #6 on: December 26, 2017, 06:33:30 AM »
Silver I will pray for you today. I'm sorry.

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #7 on: December 26, 2017, 07:40:42 AM »
I certainly understand the darkness you feel yourself in right now, Silver.  I'm so sorry. 

You know that we are here and willing and ready to lend support and encouragement.  Lean on us. 
After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline SilverTopic starter

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #8 on: December 26, 2017, 07:56:13 AM »
Thank you all from my heart my friends, your compassion really brings tears in my eyes today.
Yes you are a protective circle Acorn, all of you and yes all the support has found it's way to me.
God bless you all, I will journal more maybe tomorrow or day after.
Thank you all so much.
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline Thunder

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #9 on: December 26, 2017, 08:00:36 AM »
Just take it easy today.  Be very kind to yourself.
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Online rosecoloredglasses

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #10 on: December 26, 2017, 08:45:00 AM »
I don't normally comment on your thread, Silver, but I wanted to send you my support.  You have done everything that you could to improve your situation and it is just out of your control.  Thinking of you and sending vibes of strength.
M-43
H-52
D-12
S-8
D-4

Offline Rebecca2817

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #11 on: December 26, 2017, 08:56:51 AM »
So sorry. It must be hard. I'm approaching my d date soon myself. She could come around at some point.

Offline Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #12 on: December 26, 2017, 03:42:03 PM »
Silver, she is wrong to do this to you.  She hasn’t worked on herself enough and this is the result. You couldn’t have been better, couldn’t have tried harder and couldn’t have been a better father trying to keep your family together. There is nothing more you could have tried, hopefully that will give you some peace when you look back on this.

BR
Rose 🌹
Me-46
H-46
S-13
D-11
Married 1999
BD1 - Oct 2016
BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
Physical affair with MOW Sept 2016-Jan 2017
Emotional affair with same MOW from Jan 2017 until now - due to geography!
Tried to work through it living as a family and not telling anyone! Not easy with a lying cheating monster, he left Oct 2017 to stay with his parents and 'isn't putting a time limit on it'

Offline Anjae

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #13 on: December 26, 2017, 04:00:00 PM »
I am so sorry, Silver.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline gman242

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #14 on: December 26, 2017, 04:13:37 PM »
Sucks man    :'(. But I am also of the belief that if its really an mlc it will keep going after the divorce and you'll be in the same place regardless. Much sympathy and good vibes to you man.
« Last Edit: December 26, 2017, 05:21:25 PM by gman242 »

Online Lastresort

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #15 on: December 26, 2017, 05:06:56 PM »
Sucks man  :'. But I am also if the belief that if its really an mix it will keep going after the divorce and you'll be in the same place regardless. Much sympathy and good vibes to you man.

I believe the same thing the drama will still continue post divorce if it is a MLC

Offline cplnorton

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #16 on: December 26, 2017, 06:27:23 PM »
I've been divorced for 3 months I think now.  I didn't notice any difference in the way she acted before, during, or after the divorce.  She still tries to anchor check me.  She told me not even a month after the divorce she regretted it and wasn't sure why she did it. 

I don't know.  She even told me she thought it would make her happy to finally be divorced, but all she said it did was make her sad.

I honestly give up.  I want off this wild ride...
Me   M  37
MLC  W  35
Mini bomb drop Jan 2017
Major bomb drop 3/5/2017
Sons 6 & 8
MLC moved out officially into OM #1 House on 4/17/17
Divorce Finalized 9/13/2017.  She gave me everything including the family home and Custody of the Children.
August 2017 Moved into OM#2 House.  :(

She filed Bankruptcy on 12/21/17.  she had 0 in debt when she left. 

Dec 2017, I finally threw in the towel.  I am no longer standing for her.  I now pray God sends me a wonderful woman to be a wife and mother to my kids. 

Link to 1st post:  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8967.0

Link to 2nd Post:  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9430.msg619177#msg619177

Offline Cold River

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #17 on: December 26, 2017, 07:51:01 PM »
Hey my friend sorry for another BAD day with all this. PM me anytime, for any reason, you're not alone.

Prayers for you and the kids.
M37
W41
DD20,15
SS11,11
BD 8/17 W says guy online is her bf, I'm her H but he is he bf
BD 9/17 found EA's multiple OM
BD 10/3/17 W still invloved EA's
BD 10/7/17 ILYBINILWY refused to give up affairs

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #18 on: December 26, 2017, 09:47:45 PM »
Thinking of you tonight Silver and sending a big cyber (((HUG))).  I do not wish this D pain on anyone.  It hurts, my friend.  But, take it from me, it's just a season and things will get better for you.
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9711.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline SilverTopic starter

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #19 on: December 27, 2017, 10:43:50 AM »
Thank you all from my heart, I am blessed with so much support and compassion, even from some of you I don't know at all.
I appreciate that very much.

Journaling

2nd day after D papers sent. In practice there will be still maybe 1-2 weeks after I will get my final statement from officials. Then the process itself is over. What we still need to do is to make appointment for children custody arrangement. We both have only one option for that (thank God!) which is shared custody. Then we have to make papers for something I don't know in English but in which we make a contract how our property will be shared. If we can reach an agreement in it (sounds we will) there is no need for lawyers or further legal process. Divorcing in my country is made rather easy. No explanations needed. Rarely even lawyers.

About me, well yesterday was hell, or would have been if I didn't made it rather numb by drinking more than few. Said things to STBXW which I just had to apologize today and I did. Not proud but that's what happened...
Today we had a good moment with her. I wrote her a brief but intense email (no 2x4:s please) in which I thanked her for everything during these years and apologized of what I did wrong in our R. I told her I still love her and wish that she finally finds her peace and happiness. Well you all know how hard it is to really mean that and I don't know if I do, probably I don't want to see her to be happy with one of OM:s she found during replay. But I took it more like paving the way or something, and state to her that I am not burning bridges. She read the email and came to me crying. We hugged, long, and she said she is sorry this has to end like this and that she apologizes the pain she caused me during last 6 months.

I just couldn't avoid tears myself neither, we both cried, I felt very sad and cried quite a while by myself after that. Tears that needed to come out, the moment that couldn't be seen trough LBS skill -glasses, genuine tears for mourning ending marriage and relationship with someone I thought I will share the rest of my life with. I believe we both felt better after that. I just can't live in hate, really can't. I will accept my anger and try to cope with it and I have to right to feel it, but I can't hate her. That's not just me if I did.

Later at afternoon she and the kids went away for a trip until friday. I supposed to go too but I told STBXW that I will cancel as I have no reason to "play family" and make family trips together anymore. I felt that my right too and believe I WOULD have gone too if it was big deal to kids but the truth is that they are used to travel with their mom without me and also with me without her, not nearly all our trips have been all us 4 together. I saw they are ok with I am not going so I stayed home. D9 have texted me many times already though, saying she and S4 miss me. That is nice to hear but I am sure they will have good time anyway.

I put some things rolling with house too, I invited 4 real estate agents from 3 different companies for tomorrow to see and estimate our house. So we will try to put it for sale soon. Time to really start to look at the next home for me and her for her. Seems to be that we both are planning to stay in the area which would be very good for the kids.

So... A lot of things happened in Silver's journey after Christmas. I am not happy, who would be. I am sad and disappointed. I am afraid she sees that she really is happier without me. I am a bit scared about my new fresh start in year 2018. Still I am confident too that I will get this too and be able to stay firmly on The Path. With help of God, my friends and all you my brave, cyber friends.





"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline Treasur

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #20 on: December 27, 2017, 11:21:33 AM »
No 2x4s, you lovely man. I'm crying a bit for you and in awe of your strength and integrity. Like you, I wrote a goodbye letter to my H. I needed to, as you did. With God's grace, 2018 will be a year of getting unstuck from the dark and finding a way to move forward to better sunnier days. x
BD - Oct 15, mostly silent vanishing husband, diagnosed with severe depression in Dec 15 & seeing psychiatrist/on ADs since then
OW since Apr 16, maybe earlier?
H filed Jan 17.
80/20 strategy for me in 2018

"her soul is fierce, her heart is brave, her mind is strong." R.H Sin
Grace is...Elegance, good will, unearned blessings, a prayer of thanks and how to address a duchess.
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Acorn

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #21 on: December 27, 2017, 04:18:34 PM »
Dear Silver,

You’ve been very gracious to your STBXW with that email.  The descriptions of her reaction and yours brought tears to my eyes.  It is so heartbreaking...  All those tears had to come out just as you said.  Yes.  How true.  Bottling up inside never did anyone good.  Just ask MLCers.

I wish you much strength as you work through all the practical details related to D.  I’m sure you will be very busy for a while.  Please don’t forget to look after yourself.  Eat right, get enough sleep and relax with a beer now and then.  O dear I sound like a big sister!

Thank you for sharing your story, even though it must have been painful to write.
Come here and vent whenever you need to.  There is always someone here to respond.
(((((HUGS))))))

Feb 2015: H has a Nuclear meltdown.  A tear-fest.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Still home

Offline Thunder

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #22 on: December 29, 2017, 08:06:17 AM »
Hi Silver,

I hope you're feeling a bit better. 
Just wanted you to know I was thinking about you.

I hope you can have a peaceful New Year.

Hugs
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline SilverTopic starter

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #23 on: December 29, 2017, 11:14:42 AM »
Thank you Treasur, Acorn, Thunder and to you all who have read my thread.

I am ok taking account the situation.
You know, I just don't have anything to say atm.
Like I don't know what to think, I am trying to put things back into their places and I am not sure how to do it.

I need to process things a little but I will be back soon journaling.

Love to you all, I can't tell you how much I need and appreciate this place.
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #24 on: December 29, 2017, 11:19:43 AM »
It’s a shame your country’s divorce is as quick/easy Silver as it doesn’t allow the time needed in mlc.

Keep being strong 😉
Rose 🌹
Me-46
H-46
S-13
D-11
Married 1999
BD1 - Oct 2016
BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
Physical affair with MOW Sept 2016-Jan 2017
Emotional affair with same MOW from Jan 2017 until now - due to geography!
Tried to work through it living as a family and not telling anyone! Not easy with a lying cheating monster, he left Oct 2017 to stay with his parents and 'isn't putting a time limit on it'

Offline FamilyIsMyGoal

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #25 on: December 29, 2017, 11:27:38 AM »
Just read this thread and wanted to send hugs and prayers.  You sound very brave and courageous.  I'm going to follow your journey and hopefully be able to offer some support.  Lots of love to you. 
Divorce Bomb August 6, 2017
Married 19 years
Together 22 years
Physically separated - he's 15 miles away
Two Teenage boys
Me: 54
H 58
OW? I don't know - probably plural

Offline SilverTopic starter

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #26 on: December 30, 2017, 02:43:47 AM »
Rose & FIMG, thank you for your support,

I will catch up some threads myself soon, right now I just have too much to think, so I am sorry for being lazy of commenting and supporting you others atm, but I will change that my friends.

Last few days have been strange in a way. I really have a lot of going in my mind and I am trying to spot on what and even what my emotions are atm. After wednesday, as we hugged and apologized from each other and cried together, I have felt strange peace and serenity. What I believe it is, comes from acceptance, a feel of finally dropping the rope. I am sad, of course. My family is splitting up and I can't prevent that to happen. I am disappointed, I failed twice now in my life: 2 marriages & 2 divorces. Would be a lie to say it didn't feel like failure. I feel sad for kids, they would have deserved a family that stays together no matter what happens. I am disappointed my STBXW breaking all the principles she had, like putting family first and building R on trust. It is all gone, she is not the same woman I married or started to be with at first place. I am trying to accept that people change, MLC or not. Nothing is sure, never in this life. There's absolutely nothing to take for granted. I felt overwhelming hate and anger, rage, against STBXW and everything that happened. I spilled it all out I think at tuesday. Words I really had to apologize later and I did. After that, I haven't felt any anger.

All in all, my emotions cycle as they should in this situation, but what is somewhere deep inside me is trust and confidence, peace and serenity, I think it is something built inside me during this year and during my mirror work, therapy and all that stuff. And because of God, who hasn't been in my life this way ever before, I just feel I am not alone and trust on Him, that He showes me the paths to walk whenever I need guidance. I do the walking but He definitely is somewhere near to help me.

Don't know about tomorrow, next week, next month. A lot of hard things coming, like selling the house and finding new home. All that stuff. But what I just don't feel is fear, not today, didn't yesterday either. It is gone, probably not for good as it shouldn't as it's very natural emotion, but I am trying to see every moment I live without fear and anxiety as gift and build my life on those moments little by little. I trust myself and that is something I am very greatful about. I am going to pass this dark phase in my life with the feeling that I still can look myself at mirror and even like what I see. Not sure if STBXW can but I do.

I also signed up for a divorce seminars which start in three weeks. It is based on Bruce Fisher's method (which I explored by myself at time of my 1st D) and includes 11 evenings as a group of divorced people. Looking forward to it as I want to handle this process as well as I can. Still I do understand: There is nothing I can do to rush my process, only time will do that in the end.

Love and prayers to all you brave LBS's, please believe yourselves no matter how you may feel right now. We are not alone.
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline Treasur

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #27 on: December 30, 2017, 03:00:45 AM »
I wonder if you feel less fear because you have grown more confident in your ability to accept and cope regardless, Silver? Following along with you xxx
BD - Oct 15, mostly silent vanishing husband, diagnosed with severe depression in Dec 15 & seeing psychiatrist/on ADs since then
OW since Apr 16, maybe earlier?
H filed Jan 17.
80/20 strategy for me in 2018

"her soul is fierce, her heart is brave, her mind is strong." R.H Sin
Grace is...Elegance, good will, unearned blessings, a prayer of thanks and how to address a duchess.
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Acorn

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #28 on: December 30, 2017, 03:24:47 AM »
All in all, my emotions cycle as they should in this situation, but what is somewhere deep inside me is trust and confidence, peace and serenity, I think it is something built inside me during this year and during my mirror work, therapy and all that stuff. And because of God, who hasn't been in my life this way ever before, I just feel I am not alone and trust on Him, that He showes me the paths to walk whenever I need guidance. I do the walking but He definitely is somewhere near to help me.

Bravo, Silver!

What you describe above shows how much you have grown through your experience in the MLC mess.  You have been extraordinarily proactive about helping yourself cope with the situation and the results are plain for all to see.  I’m convinced that we grow through adversities, and not so much through soft easy life.  No challenges, little growth.

I’m glad that you have signed up for a D seminar.  Good for you!

Living without fear and anxiety is truly a gift.  Looking at your reality right in the eye and accepting it paid a huge dividend...

(((((HUGS))))), Silver, as you navigate the next stage in your life.
I wish you much strength as you set up your own dwelling.  That is always a lot of work. 
Feb 2015: H has a Nuclear meltdown.  A tear-fest.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Still home

Offline Albatross

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #29 on: December 30, 2017, 04:21:45 AM »
I am so sorry Silver. But keep in mind, you lost battle, but not a war...

Offline MCSINME

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #30 on: December 30, 2017, 08:17:23 AM »
Silver:  Following new thread...  So sorry for your events since Christmas.  I'll be thinking about you, sending strength and hugs your way as you get through this period.  We're all here for you.  MCS
M56
H57 - Live-in MLC
Met 1984
Married 1990
MLC Began after major move 12/2016
BD#1 EA 5/17 Found by accident, denial, lying
BD#2 EA/PA 11/17 Found by accident, still Denial and lying.  Currently at least one ow (39)

S16, S19, S22

"but those who have hope in the LORD will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint"  Isiah 40:31

Offline Writingmom

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #31 on: December 30, 2017, 09:18:20 AM »
Silver,

I don’t know your story but I do know the pain of divorce!  There is no pain quite like it. It sounds as though you are civil which is a good thing for the kids. And no 2 x 4’s speaks to your maturity. I’m not sure we ever feel completely whole after divorce, but we can heal. Just know that in your darkest hours, it will not stay this way forever. You will emerge and will even laugh again. Dig deep during this time, examine yourself, compliment yourself, and spread small acts of kindness wherever you go.

Wishing you peace,
WM
"Only the strong can endure the shattering; the weak need their defenses." 
                                                Susan Anderson

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #32 on: December 30, 2017, 10:02:51 AM »
Silver I am so very sorry to hear about your D. I know it wasn’t what you wanted but your W needs this to feel better. And she will for a while. But her dark cloud will come back soon enough and that elusive happiness and sunshine will be out of site once again. Only this time there’s no Silver to blame.

I love the divorce group idea. You are really handling this so well—feeling your emotions. Knowing you won’t feel better overnight. And you’ve been so kind and understanding to your W through all of this! Amazing grace.

Hugs friend. You are going to be fine. We all are.
Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #33 on: December 30, 2017, 12:57:15 PM »
I'm really sorry to hear this Silver.... I can sympathize in a way as I was BD'd right before Christmas and then uninvited to the Christmas trip to W's family...

You'll get through just like the last time, one day at a time. No 2x4's about the e-mail or the letting her have it... It is human.... and needed.

Her reaction has MLC written all over it...

Sending peace and light.
Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 10
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
No legal action to date

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline SilverTopic starter

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #34 on: December 31, 2017, 02:16:17 AM »
Thank you very much Treasur, Acorn, Albatross, MCS, Wm, KIT & UM,

How could I ever feel I was alone here while getting this much compassion and support. Most appreaciated my friends.

Journaling

Last day of the year, like a relief, this one was extraordinary in many ways in my life. In good and bad. At least it wasn't boring one  ::)
I had several real estate agents to evaluate our house this week, planning to have one or two more to get the good understanding what we could have about this house and then make a contract with one of them. Without an idea where I will live when the house is sold (well I have one but it is still very unsure option). I have only one priority which is to get my new home at this same area so kids don't have to change school and daycare. I am relieved to hear that STBXW plans to stay at the area too, obviously for kids' sake.

My emotions are cycling as told before and probably will be for a long time, I have accepted that. I can't help comparing this D to my 1st D, I was much younger then I had no idea what is about to come as xW dropped the bomb at that time. Following 6 months was purely shock & denial plus reacting, had no chance to accept anything, I literally was on my kneew before her begging and pleading, crying and promising to change myself if she wouldn't leave me. I was a total mess and lost my self identity, dignity, self confidence and self respect. All for nothing of course.

This time it is a different story. I have had more than an year to process all this. I have had so much fear and anxiety in me and MLC has defined way too much about me and my life since oct 2016. Seeing retrospective I obviously went trough denial, anger, depression which could have became severe if I didn't react and searched a good psych and therapist. I built my own safety net including some totally trustable friends, family members, some good professionals, deacon from a church and hey, The Hero Spouse life saving network!

I remember asking God at beginning of 2017 "why do you do this to me, again, I have small kids and all...?" or something like that. Now I know that He actually prepared me for this D, showed me the Path to walk - if I choose it myself - or just stay still and see what happens. I am greatful He also gave me courage enough to take the first steps, so I could decide The Path instead of staying at victim mode passively looking my life crumble around me.

So it is a journey really and what was had to exist so I can feel even this ok atm. I am not in denial my friends. I understand what happens, that our family split up and I can't help it, that she is gone probably forever (never know though as it is MLC). I know and feel that my life changes a lot during next year and that I have to learn to live alone, every other week without kids and without spouse.
I feel sadness about it but no fear my friends. I have no fear. I do believe I am reaching acceptance, though this D process itself including all the practical stuff naturally will throw me in a process of it's own but I will get that too.

To ALL new LBS's or anyone struggling out there with cycling emotions, enormous pain, desperation and darkness:
Please DO UNDERSTAND AND ACCEPT that we all have to go trough all this, but it DOES HAVE AN ESSENTIAL FUNCTION TO HEAL US.
So there is no tear cried in vain my friends and no painful day that wouldn't be important in OUR processes. There is no other goal than to be healed and to be happy again and each of us CAN and WILL reach it but only trough hard work.

I will be back here many many times during my journey, cycling and emotions all over the place, I am sure about that.
But what I refuse to do is to be scared anymore - as what I feared has already happened, I gave it power enough already.
I believe understanding this is the some kind of peace and serenity in my heart that I feel even in this situation I am in.
To put it in a nutshell: I believe I stepped out the fog after she filed and saw the Path again, very clearly.

TO ALL YOU MY BRAVE LBS FRIENDS: Be proud of yourselves, each one of you, believe in yourselves and have the best possible start for the year 2018!!! Love and prayers.




"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline Treasur

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #35 on: December 31, 2017, 02:25:47 AM »
Following along, and thinking of you, Silver xxx
Wishing you a 2018 walking steadily on The Path towards brighter days.  :-*
BD - Oct 15, mostly silent vanishing husband, diagnosed with severe depression in Dec 15 & seeing psychiatrist/on ADs since then
OW since Apr 16, maybe earlier?
H filed Jan 17.
80/20 strategy for me in 2018

"her soul is fierce, her heart is brave, her mind is strong." R.H Sin
Grace is...Elegance, good will, unearned blessings, a prayer of thanks and how to address a duchess.
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Acorn

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #36 on: December 31, 2017, 05:18:50 AM »
Silver, you are so honest...  And, in detail!  I really appreciate that you share what is going on in your mind and how you cope with those intense emotions swirling around you.  I’m sure many of us, if not all, can identity with what you have wrote. 

If I had to pick one ‘poster child’ for resilience, it’s you.  You recognize xyz, think about them and find some help from within yourself or others.  That shows your humility and confidence.  They appear to be contradicting words but I have learned that humility to face your true throughts and attitudes spur you on to seek help and anwer.   By addressing what we have found out about ourselves, we grow and become more confident.  You are doing that so marvellously.  I’m so grateful for that on your behalf.  Without humility there is no growing in confidence...

I believe in you, Silver.  You will be ok, no matter what.

(((((HUGS))))))))
Feb 2015: H has a Nuclear meltdown.  A tear-fest.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Still home

Offline MCSINME

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #37 on: December 31, 2017, 07:41:34 AM »
Silver:
As others have mentioned, I also respect your honesty and ability to pour out your feelings.  You are strong, brave and will do great things in the new year.
We're all here for you!
M56
H57 - Live-in MLC
Met 1984
Married 1990
MLC Began after major move 12/2016
BD#1 EA 5/17 Found by accident, denial, lying
BD#2 EA/PA 11/17 Found by accident, still Denial and lying.  Currently at least one ow (39)

S16, S19, S22

"but those who have hope in the LORD will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint"  Isiah 40:31

Offline Confused dad

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #38 on: January 01, 2018, 04:57:44 PM »
I’m sorry Silver. I have not been on here in quite some time. Yours was the first thread I looked for to check in on.  This does not mean you failed!  It takes two to keep a relationship going but only one to end it. You do not control her or her actions.  It’s not on you it’s on her. 

I know it hurts. I got close and still may get there. Time will tell. Keep working on yourself


Wife moved upstairs summer of 2015
BD #1 July 2016 Said she was done( right after I told her I was 100% committed to doing the work on my end to fix our marriage)  she did not leave, things actually improved some  over the winter then she pulls away again

BD # 2 July 2017 says she wants to sell house and go our seperate ways. Wants her freedom. She is unhappy and thinks it is because of me.
EA or FA discovered July 2017. She searches her astrology sign and his almost daily. 
PA confirmed 10-8-17. Had been going on sporadically since summer of 2016
She is very active with kids but has blowups quite often.  She's acting like a teenager so maybe she relates well to them.
D-14
D-12
Married 17 years together for 20
I'm standing but am about to explode.

Offline Cold River

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #39 on: January 01, 2018, 05:39:55 PM »
Prayers for your kids, finding the right home, your soon to be sale and you my friend. Thank you for the encouragement as well.
M37
W41
DD20,15
SS11,11
BD 8/17 W says guy online is her bf, I'm her H but he is he bf
BD 9/17 found EA's multiple OM
BD 10/3/17 W still invloved EA's
BD 10/7/17 ILYBINILWY refused to give up affairs

Offline Thunder

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #40 on: January 01, 2018, 06:42:45 PM »
Silver, you have come a long way but you sound so much better than you did a few months ago. Progress, my friend.

You will be ok.  I have no doubt.
I prayed for you every day.  For you to get guidance through this.
I think your are finding that now.

Here's for you Silver:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LdA6bXnbj0E
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #41 on: January 02, 2018, 05:16:23 AM »
So sorry my Friend.  Just read your thread. Nothing more you cd have done Silver. Hell you have followed LBS rules about as close as anybody cd have.
I'm agreeing with some others, D papers are just that, a peice of paper, nothing more. The MLC will go on.

Stay strong my friend and hang in there. Take care of those kiddos, dam you have been a great dad thru all of this and I knkw that will continue.

My prayers are.with you and your family my friend.

Offline FamilyIsMyGoal

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #42 on: January 02, 2018, 06:30:48 AM »
"To ALL new LBS's or anyone struggling out there with cycling emotions, enormous pain, desperation and darkness:
Please DO UNDERSTAND AND ACCEPT that we all have to go trough all this, but it DOES HAVE AN ESSENTIAL FUNCTION TO HEAL US.
So there is no tear cried in vain my friends and no painful day that wouldn't be important in OUR processes. There is no other goal than to be healed and to be happy again and each of us CAN and WILL reach it but only trough hard work.
"

Thank you so much for this Silver, I really needed to hear this today.  Lots of Light and Love to you!
Divorce Bomb August 6, 2017
Married 19 years
Together 22 years
Physically separated - he's 15 miles away
Two Teenage boys
Me: 54
H 58
OW? I don't know - probably plural

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #43 on: January 02, 2018, 12:54:45 PM »
Love and prayers to you too Silver.
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9711.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline SilverTopic starter

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #44 on: January 02, 2018, 11:58:29 PM »
Again, I am blessed with so many beautiful soul sending me support and prayers. I thank you all from my heart for that, I wish I could put down in words better how much that means to me.

Thunder, I'm adding the song in my playlist, thank you for giving it to me!


Journaling 

Another two real estate agents coming this week and then we will decide which of them we will hire to sell our home, which is turning from home into a house gradually in my mind. I know it will be hard to sell it and kids are already sad about that but the reality is that we would probably have sold it anyway this year as it is a little too big and expensive for us even if we stayed as a family.

I have had space to think and look inside myself as STBXW (turning into a "MLCer" as soon as I get the final paper by mail) is away with kids several days with her relatives. They still have holiday and I am back to work already. In advance I thought these days (well evenings and nights, I'm working at daytime) would be very difficult for me but they actually have not been. I actually felt very good being able to think in peace, about what happened in my life and where it will take me from this point. To think about all the practical stuff like economics, house selling and so on. But also to think about how I feel. I mean how I REALLY feel inside.

I may have already told that I reacted very bad as she filed, drunk too much, spilled all out. Day after we cried together, hugged, I cried by myself, felt nothing but sadness. It has been only a week from that. I am sad but ok. I may repeat myself but obviously for me, as I had to drop the rope what comes into my M, I feel more peaceful than I have been since BD. It is strange but good. There are probably many reasons for that, I guess now I have space to really see myself without thinking everything trough MLC or with fear about my W leaving me as I KNOW now she is leaving me.

I had moments during last days that I just sit or layed down thinking about all this. Whatever may come and will come, however dark moments, there is one thing I know my friends and that's a fact that I am a whole person without her. I know that is something that won't depend on her.
Maybe that's what brings peace and serenity.

What I have to confess if you don't tell anyone  ;) that I made a profile for dating app... And NO I AM NOT going to a date but just to test my value if you don't mind I saying that... Chatted with a nice woman, who accepts that I won't be willing to even date probably for a long time but we both enjoyed chatting with each other anyway (she actually has date today with someone). I'm not seeing it as escaping this situation but I DO see how easy it would be just let go and start dating already. I really, really think it would be ok when someone does, we all have own situation, but for me it wouldn't be a good idea atm. My inner process after my 1st D didn't finnish well enough as I found STBXW and we started to be together. That's why I registered to a D seminar this time and dating would not be good with that. Not for me.
Anyway I can't deny it is nice to see people looking my profile...  ;)

What comes to detachment, I see now that I really have not been detached, not since BD until these days. There have been days I felt I was but I truly was not.
Now, as STBXW is away and I know we are divorcing, I feel much more detached. Yesterday evening as I was thinking about my day behind, I was surprised how much I had thought other things than STBXW. For example at work I focused on my work without her being somewhere 'behind me' all the time. This morning was just the same. It is like she is somewhere very far from me right now, not controlling my thoughts all the time atm. May be just a phase but who cares, it is a good phase anyway. Yesterday evening she called me and texted after that about some practical stuff related to D. I felt bad but only for a brief time. It just went away soon. I got my serenity back. Very good and important experience.

Again, I don't know how tomorrow will be or even how this evening will be for me.
But what I do know is that all the mirror work, all the mistakes and learning from them, all conversations here and with psychiatrist, counselor, deacon, my friends during last year... seem to make me strong, if not for long, for this moment anyway and I really can appreaciate that.

Love and prayers my brave cyber friends. Thank you for reading, thank you for being there.

 

 



"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline Acorn

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #45 on: January 03, 2018, 02:58:11 AM »
Hi Silver,

Thank you for sharing what is going on in your life.  It is a precious window into a specific phase LBSer may face.  I’m convinced that your post will give hope to others that come behind you that we will face whatever may come our way with courage, strength and resilience.  We all have the option of ‘packing up’ and wallowing in our miserable corner.  I was so sure you were not going to take that option because I believed in you.  You are a go-getter of life, Silver!  Your latest post coping with the M fallouts are but one example.

As I have told you in an earlier post, I’m glad you are going to the seminars to gain more insight to what’s going on within you, how to cope with the new situation and what you will be facing in the future, such as dating.  Professional and objective lectures will give you a balanced perspective so that you don’t rush into anything too quickly.

We are always here to listen you with much interest and friendship.

(((((((HUGS))))))))
Feb 2015: H has a Nuclear meltdown.  A tear-fest.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Still home

Offline FamilyIsMyGoal

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #46 on: January 03, 2018, 03:12:02 PM »
Yes I agree with Acorn.  Thanks for sharing your experiences. It's great to hear about your detachment and how it feels different now.  God willing I will get to that point.  Right now everything including logistics, financials, kids' schedules is still yet to be determined for me.  Makes detaching really hard. 

I'm also curious about the dating sites!  I have no interest in dating for a long time, and I have heard terrible things about those sites (i.e. they are just places to find people to hook up with).  I would love, at some point, some male company to just go to coffee or whatever after D is final.  At least I think I would.  I don't know.  The whole internet dating world seems scary.  Would love your opinion on those.
Divorce Bomb August 6, 2017
Married 19 years
Together 22 years
Physically separated - he's 15 miles away
Two Teenage boys
Me: 54
H 58
OW? I don't know - probably plural

Offline nah

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #47 on: January 03, 2018, 03:19:29 PM »
I never did the internet dating thing, but some of my friends did the meetup.com.... where you can do an activity such as bowling or wine tasting and met some of their boyfriends that way.

H-52
me-50
ow-30
married 1986
BD April 6 2013 day after family went out for sons birthday.
I packed his bags two days later...vanisher

Offline SilverTopic starter

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #48 on: January 04, 2018, 12:24:33 AM »
Thank you all,

Acorn I really hope you are right, that I could encourage someone as I have been encouraged during my journey so very much.
D seminars, they are more like a small group sessions with structured subjects, so if the group goes well together I think it might be very good way to process D with others. I will let you know as it has started.

FIMG, I am really not ready to date (I am not even legally divorced yet thought the paper should come by mail any day now) for a long time. I just wanted to check how those sites work and if I get any interest  ;) and find some chat companyt (which I did already). I make sure I am not giving anyone wrong signals and tell them openly that I am not ready for anything else than chatting. I probably will shut my profile soon anyway, this is just something I wanted to try now as I suddenly seem to be single man (yes I feel I am a stander too). But what I noticed already is that I do get some attention if I want some.

Not much to journal, today will go at work and evening with real estate agent and other practical stuff. Family is still away until tomorrow so I will try to enjoy the rest of the evening just being by myself and maybe go running or exercise or take a long walk with the dog. I don't feel bad being alone at home but I do fear a bit about tomorrow as STBXW is around again. Not good for detachment I guess but have to orient to that too as we probably have to share the house at least for next 3 months.

I need to activate again in search of my new home too. Will be a lot smaller than this one and probably not a house. It is challenging as I want to stay at the area for kids and need home big enough for kids being with me every other week and my financials are what they are atm and no idea what we really will get from the house. But that's how it is for everyone else if you just don't happen to be rich.





 
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline Thunder

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #49 on: January 04, 2018, 03:08:05 AM »
Silver, you sound good.  I think you're right, waiting for the other shoe to fall was keeping you in an anxious state.
Now both shoes fell and you're still standing up.  That anxiety should feel a lot less now.

You can start making plan for your life. 
I'm sure you'll still have your moments, but you will deal with them and get back to feeling detached.

I don't remember, is she moving out of the house now that the papers were filed?
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline Acorn

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #50 on: January 04, 2018, 04:03:21 AM »
Hi Silver, my friend,

These few days alone is truly a godsend!  Just the right time to cool down from all that emotional upheaval and think about your future.  I’m so glad that you made the decision to stay home... 

The next 3 months cohabiting with her will be awkward at best and you’ve been given time to recollect yourself somewhat.  In dealing with other human beings, it is given that you will have ups and downs.  That’s life.  However, I have no doubt that you will do your best to stay on the Path.

Please let us know how you go with house hunting.  I think this very important matter will occupy some space in your head and that’s going to be only helpful for you to keep focus off her and D.  So will be the busy-ness in attending to so many things in moving and setting up another place.

(((((HUGS)))))))) Thinking of you...

Feb 2015: H has a Nuclear meltdown.  A tear-fest.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Still home

Offline SilverTopic starter

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #51 on: January 04, 2018, 04:33:47 AM »
Thunder & Acorn, thank you for staying with me.

Thunder, I am not sure about her plans but I do know she doesn't have a place of her own where to move yet. We are both at same situation, trying to find a new home big enough for kids and cheap enough to buy. I would prefer her moving out asap but she probably won't make any temporary moves (unless she found her soulmate who move to :o)

Silver, you sound good.  I think you're right, waiting for the other shoe to fall was keeping you in an anxious state.
Now both shoes fell and you're still standing up.  That anxiety should feel a lot less now.

Yes I believe this is the case really. I think I am standing with my bare feet now and that's why I can feel the ground again.
The next 3 months cohabiting with her will be awkward at best and you’ve been given time to recollect yourself somewhat.  In dealing with other human beings, it is given that you will have ups and downs.  That’s life.  However, I have no doubt that you will do your best to stay on the Path.

I promise to stay on the Path for it is all mine now and the best possible for me atm.

"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline 1phoenix

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #52 on: January 04, 2018, 05:01:35 AM »
Silver,

Oh my, what more can be said.  You will/are getting through this.  Day by day.  Remember His Grace will keep you, He will hold your hand when you need it, and when your bare feet are on cobblestone, He will carry you.

Hugs and shoulders to you,

1P

Now, onto.  TOWANDA!!!!!!!!!!
I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear — Nelson Mandela

I never lose.  I either win or learn! - Nelson Mandela

For we have fallen from our shelves, To face the truth about ourselves.  "The Gift", Annie Lennox

"You must do the thing you think you cannot do."  Eleanor Roosevelt

Grace makes beauty out of ugly things.  U2 "Grace"

We have all been dealt a hand of cards in this game of life.   Are you going to play or fold?

"Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose." Yoda

Offline SilverTopic starter

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #53 on: January 04, 2018, 05:09:00 AM »
TOWANDA 1P!!!
So good to hear from you again :D

Thank you very much my friend. I very much hope your journey is going as well as ever can.
Hugs to you too.
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline SilverTopic starter

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #54 on: January 05, 2018, 03:47:24 AM »
My 4 days alone time is coming to end today as STBXW and kids get back home from their vacation. Love to see kids of course, missed them much. But what I am a little (or more than little tbh) concerned about is my and STBXW:s communication. I know she doesn't have problems talking to me about anything as she seems to feel like this was a very natural situation, you know "come on it is only divorce, why are you mad?" style. As I told I have been good as I didn't have to see her for several days but yesterday I got a good remainder that I need only a brief phone call with her to get angry. Not anything she said or the subject itself but just hearing her voice remainds me immediately how incredibly selfish person she is in this MLC sh*t. I can let her go and I had, I can D and am very confident yet confused at same time to build a new life w/o her being my W. I get that, really. But what I don't seem to handle well enough are my emotions of anger and disappointment against her.

You all have been there so I don't have to describe that any longer. Anyway I am trying to think and re-think all the techniques and LBS HAT -skills from previous months, how to keep myself calm, cool & collected. Maybe I can, maybe I don't but for the kids I really should. I am aware that ANGER IS GOOD and inevitable part of detaching and letting go, to proceed in my own process but it still has to be controlled. The difference between this day and, say, last summer is that I am not interested about how she reacts. That's all the same to me now, I have been left already and she doesn't have that power anymore, no rope between our hands as I dropped it already. There is no distance-pursue dance or anything like that. Mostly I am fine with my emotions atm but when the anger hits, it really hits good. Kids have seen more than enough already so I do have the best motivation to hold my tongue as at least younger is at home when we are. And I also do know that I am regretting my words afterwards if I hurt her intentionally. I am just not that kind of person who wouldn't, sometimes wish I was but I am not.

So, for the weekend ahead I guess my first and the most important goal is to keep calm and not get provocated or hit by anything she might say or do.
Hard enough...

Have a good weekend all my wonderfull LBS friends, walking your Paths towards healing. We will get there one day.  ;)

"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline Acorn

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #55 on: January 05, 2018, 04:21:45 AM »
Hi Silver,

Here are the things you may like to have to keep you cool, calm and collected.  🎩🇨🇭🤐🙏🕶
As you said, your consideration for the kids’ emotional well-being  would be the best motivation you have right now.  Another motivation might be saving yourself from regret. 

When I had (have) desire to say something to H that’s unhelpful in our situation, the rule of 3 worked well.  It’s not just waiting a little while in vacuum but taking my mind off whatever I was tempted to say by going to God in prayer.  It is like a mini meditation.  I could feel my pulse and breathing slowing down, and become less attached to my emotions but more to logic.   

Not saying it would work for anyone else but just in case...

Wishing you strength... 

(((((HUGS)))))))
Feb 2015: H has a Nuclear meltdown.  A tear-fest.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Still home

Offline 1phoenix

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #56 on: January 05, 2018, 04:43:28 AM »
Hey Buddy,

Maybe try and take some time and write out your anger?  Maybe that will help you see those feelings bubbling under the anger.   

To me:. Anger=feelings we depress. Once they are freed, anger goes away. 


I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear — Nelson Mandela

I never lose.  I either win or learn! - Nelson Mandela

For we have fallen from our shelves, To face the truth about ourselves.  "The Gift", Annie Lennox

"You must do the thing you think you cannot do."  Eleanor Roosevelt

Grace makes beauty out of ugly things.  U2 "Grace"

We have all been dealt a hand of cards in this game of life.   Are you going to play or fold?

"Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose." Yoda

Offline Thunder

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #57 on: January 05, 2018, 05:23:11 AM »
Good luck, Silver.

Maybe it may help to have some plans for the week-end.  A little get away time, if you need it.
You have been doing so good, don't let her coming home ruin the good work you've been doing detaching.
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline FamilyIsMyGoal

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #58 on: January 05, 2018, 07:01:37 AM »
I so identify with how it feels when they are so casual about it.  Like "What's the big deal?" My God, it's incomprehensible.  I'm experiencing that too.

As far as anger goes, I feel like it's a delicate balance as well.  I don't want to stuff it, but I don't want to express it so that it could ultimately hurt the kids and I don't want any regrets either.  What I have been doing is praying every day and night to use God's words and actions.  Prayer really helps me get out of my own head.  I go to Al-Anon and there is a nice little commentary called "Just for Today..."  I love that!  If you don't know about it and are interested, I'll copy and paste.  You are doing great and I find you to be an inspiration!
Divorce Bomb August 6, 2017
Married 19 years
Together 22 years
Physically separated - he's 15 miles away
Two Teenage boys
Me: 54
H 58
OW? I don't know - probably plural

Offline SilverTopic starter

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #59 on: January 05, 2018, 10:07:58 AM »
Humblest thank you (can you say that?) my friends,

Acorn, thank you for giving me all the necessarities for keeping 3C:s! There they are, my LBS hat, yours Switzerland flag, compact yet effective mouth zipper, hands to pray with and sunglasses (no sun seen here a long time though).  ;D You are the best, Acorn, really.

1P, very good suggestion, writing is the most important tool for and always has been. I wrote about my anger during my 1st D and it was good thing to do. I keep that in mind my friend.

Thank you for encouraging me again Thunder. I will imagine you standing next to me if things get bad, I did it once before, imagined some of you my dearest HS friends standing next to me keeping me calm and it really worked  ;D

FIMG, thank you too, I am so proud and happy if someone actually finds me inspirational. I am praying a lot nowadays and will remember your words too. I am not good at praying when my emotions are all over so maybe that's something I need to learn my friend. Please copy/paste me the commentary!


Journaling

Family is back home, how happy kids were to see me and vice versa. True blessings in my life. They told me they missed me a lot and S4 hugged me the longest hug ever, then looked at me and hugged me again. D9 jumped to my arms as well. There is no way I would ever allow myself to become bitter with my life as long as I have these blessings in it.

STBXW and I did not really speak to each other, we said hi but not much more. She left home soon, probably to spend time with OM. What surprises me was that I did really not feel anything about that. No pain of her going out with someone else, no jealousy, not even anger. I just don't firetrucking care at this moment about what she is doing. I really don't. That's probably just good but there is something a bit spooky about it too. I don't know if it is temporary but I don't have much feelings for her left, not today anyway. I don't even care when she gets back home, I am just fine with kids and the dog, enjoying my friday evening knowing no work tomorrow.

Well I'm not living in fantasy land, I know cycling is not near over for me, tomorrow may be totally different... We will see but just now, right at this moment I am perfectly fine.
 8)
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline Thunder

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #60 on: January 05, 2018, 10:34:48 AM »
Glad to hear this, Silver,

I'm happy you have your babies back home.   :)
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline FamilyIsMyGoal

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #61 on: January 05, 2018, 10:42:50 AM »
This is from 12 Step programs.  I read it every morning and it helps me a lot:


Just for today I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle all my problems at once. I can do something for twelve hours that would appall me if I felt that I had to keep it up for a lifetime.

Just for today I will be happy. This assumes to be true what Abraham Lincoln said, that most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be.

Just for today I will adjust myself to what is, and not try to adjust everything to my own desires. I will take my luck as it comes, and fit myself to it.

Just for today I will try to strengthen my mind. I will study. I will learn something useful. I will not be a mental loafer. I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration.

Just for today I will exercise my soul in three ways: I will do somebody a good turn, and not get found out; if anybody knows of it, it will not count. I will do at least two things I don’t want to do just for exercise. I will not show anyone that my feelings are hurt; they may be hurt, but today I will not show it.

Just for today I will be agreeable. I will look as well as I can, dress becomingly, keep my voice low, be courteous, criticize not one bit. I won’t find fault with anything, nor try to improve or regulate anybody but myself.

Just for today I will have a program. I may not follow it exactly, but I will have it. I will save myself from two pests: hurry and indecision.

Just for today I will have a quiet half hour all by myself and relax. During this half hour, sometime, I will try to get a better perspective of my life.

Just for today I will be unafraid. Especially I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful and to believe that as I give to the world, so the world will give to me.
Divorce Bomb August 6, 2017
Married 19 years
Together 22 years
Physically separated - he's 15 miles away
Two Teenage boys
Me: 54
H 58
OW? I don't know - probably plural

Offline SilverTopic starter

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #62 on: January 05, 2018, 12:29:22 PM »
That is just great FIMG, thank you  :)
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #63 on: January 05, 2018, 09:13:05 PM »
Good to hear that you have your babies back with you.  You really are doing well, Silver.

FIMG, great advice/quote!
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9711.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #64 on: January 06, 2018, 12:52:48 AM »
Just catching up with your thread silver, I'm so sorry to hear your wife finally sent those papers.

I tried to see this as a blessing when it happened to me as it was something I no longer have to worry about, it was now over.

I know it won't help now, but it really didn't make any difference to the way I felt, I'm sure it made more difference to xH as you would finally work out that divorce didn't make him happy no matter what he did to me, or how many papers he served.

It takes a long time to process all the information and hurt and it is part of our journey to do so.  He did nothing to make her come to this decision, it was hers alone any she has a new OM, it was probably the catalyst to make a new life happy.  The MLCer really does have to get rid of us in order to get through the crisis.

Take all the time you need to grieve and spend time with your kids so you don't have to think about her all the time.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8451.80 (Denjef's thread)

Offline SilverTopic starter

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #65 on: January 06, 2018, 02:18:02 AM »
Thank you Faith & Savvy, both of you have been an inspiration to me from the very start.

I agree that this is a blessing in a way. I probably couldn't drop the rope if she would continue hanging D over me, leaving me be in limbo in which nothing happened but cycling. Thinking of last 15 months, my life has been covered with fear and feel of not being control myself. There were better phases and I learned a lot, made a lot of work and some progress too but fear and helplessness were at least at background every single day and every moment I was awake, sometimes in dreams too.

That's what is gone now and that's why I probably feel better though anger, sadness, disappointment, all that comes as cycles. As you said Savvy, they have to come, I accept that and try to see all of it us part of my process towards healing. I have moments when I think how this all could happen but much more acceptance of it just happened and the best thing I can do for me and for my kids I love so much is to work towards trued detachment, acceptance and being control of myself.

We are at home, all 4 of us atm. This far no big drama this weekend though I have troubles to hold my anger when talking with STBXW. I am trying to behave myself ::)

What made me laugh inside was D9 yesterday, they had some disagreements wiht her mom and D9 was obviously very pi**ed off about her. As she got downstairs I saw her turn around and show her middle finger to STBXW (who did not see that luckily). I saw that and asked her what she did and of course told her that's not the proper way to act, she understood but was just so angry.

Inside I felt good. Forgive me. (no I am not going to say it to D9) ;D
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #66 on: January 06, 2018, 03:10:49 AM »
I know this is a very difficult time do you silver, and all I can do is tell you that we're all here for you to listen and help with some advice if needed.

I also don't blame you for feeling happy about your daughter and hner actions.  Having our children and validate that the MLCer is is crazy as we know, is a really lovely thing ;)
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8451.80 (Denjef's thread)

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #67 on: January 06, 2018, 07:46:35 AM »
Sending support and hoping you don't have a very crappy weekend, Silver.  You do the best you can with MLCer in the house this weekend.  Take the high road, my friend. 
After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #68 on: January 06, 2018, 08:13:46 AM »
Hello my friend. Just catching up again. Glad you have the kiddos back with you. Nothing better than being with your kids. Hell it's about only peace we have.
Silver I am a 43 yr old man and give the finger too my W as she walks away quiet often, ha. I completely understand your D. It's like we are 9yrs old wanting too get back at them and let our anger out without them knowing or hearing us. LBS rules are the hardest too follow, Lord help us.
It just shows what a great father you are telling D that what she did was wrong. Knowing you were cheering her a long in ur head saying THATS RIGHT!!! 

Hang in there Silver. I can't give much advice on ur situation. I haven't been there YET, as you know my W is still here. But one thing I do know, and you have been given this advice already is too pray, give it too God and let him have it. Nothing we can do Silver, for our Ws. We can't fix anything.

Silver , stay strong my friend and keep taking care of those kiddos! All you can do my friend, and you have been doing a dam good job of it too.

Praying my Friend.

Offline Acorn

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #69 on: January 06, 2018, 08:27:01 AM »
Hey, Silver, for sharing your life, particularly your emotional state.  I’m sure some of the readers will identify with you and understand that what they are feeling is not unique. 

Children...  They are the bright lights in our lives.  They make us more resolute than ever to do our best even in crummy situations so that we can shield them from all the fallouts. I’m so thankful that your priority is your kids and you continue to be the best father you can be.  That finger sign.  ;D I, too, find it amusing.  I’m sure glad your finger didn’t copy her’s!

Wishing you strength and wisdom in the coming weeks and months where you will be called upon to make some important decisions, such purchasing a new place to live. 

((((((HUGS)))))))
Feb 2015: H has a Nuclear meltdown.  A tear-fest.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Still home

Offline MCSINME

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #70 on: January 07, 2018, 02:07:57 PM »
Silver:
Catching up on your thread.
You've been so good to be going through what you're going through and keeping it cool outside.
I'm sorry that you're going through the impending divorce, but so glad that you have your children to keep you happy.
As Helpingme said "give it to God; it's out of your control".
I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers and ask for peace from above and enveloping love from your children.
Keep us posted.
M56
H57 - Live-in MLC
Met 1984
Married 1990
MLC Began after major move 12/2016
BD#1 EA 5/17 Found by accident, denial, lying
BD#2 EA/PA 11/17 Found by accident, still Denial and lying.  Currently at least one ow (39)

S16, S19, S22

"but those who have hope in the LORD will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint"  Isiah 40:31

Offline SilverTopic starter

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #71 on: January 08, 2018, 01:11:01 AM »
SF, Help, still, Acorn, MCS, thank you all very much, your support mean a lot to me, especially now.


Journaling

Weekend was tolerable but I didn't do as well as I could have. I see that anger is an issue for me, the biggest one atm. I'm glad to know that the seminars starting in two weeks have that too as a subject, how to go trough anger constructive way, to use it for healing. Right now, every time I have to speak to STBXW, I feel at least some loss of control of myself. Bad things come out from my mouth way too easy. Zipper seems to be rusty or something, I just see those words flowing out from my mouth before I finally get it closed. Something that I do need to work with actively. I think I will try what 1P suggested, write about it just for myself, using writing which really is one of my strengths (in my own language) for my own benefit. Hopefully it works.

About practical stuff, things are going a bit forward which is both relieving and hurtful in a way too. STBXW told she is actively looking  for a new place for herself (and for kids every other week) and have already made financial arrangemenst for that. I told her that sooner she moves out, the better for me (2x4:s perhaps folks??). We had an agreement yesterday about which real estate agency we will choose to sell our house. I am contacting them today and things start to run about selling the house. I have looked for a new home for myself too and started to make financial plans for it. I don't have very big demands for that, my priority is as I told before to stay in the area for the kids' school, daycare and so on. I am ready to think my next home maybe just for couple of years decision so it doesn't have to be perfect. Of course money will set it's limits too.

I have been chatting daily with a friend, someone I never met but with whom seems to be very easy to "talk" at least by writing. She is looking for love really, divorced lady, same age than STBXW (turning 40 this year). I have been 100% honest to her that I am really not ready even to date atm and do not know how long I will be single. She knows a lot about my situation already but doesn't have really a touch with MLC like we LBSs do, so she was surprised as I told her that I give the door open for STBXW wanting to come back before long. Or more like that's what I think ATM, I really don't know how I feel after we have physically separated. So as long as we can keep it as chat friends only, things are fine for me.

Besides anger, my emotions cycle between trying to figure out in my head what the hell happened to my life and acceptance. From sadness and disappointment to empowerement caused by feeling I am not tied to leash but have every possibility in the world to make my future life what I want to taking account the situation of course. I am trying to maintain that, feel of being control and accept things I have no control on. There are brief moments I still would want to just call STBXW and ask "could you please stop this now and come back" or something as stupid. Those moments feel like not exactly panic moments but something like that. When they occur I would just wanted someone to hold me and say It will be alright, calm down. You know, like a child. I believe in inner child within all of us and I am sure he is the one speaking at those "panic" moments. I am greatful that I learned some skills to use, to talk to him as and adult myself and calm him down. Doesn't necessarily work every time but usually does.

I am still standing, for both meanings of standing and focus on staying on The Path.



"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline Whyus

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #72 on: January 08, 2018, 02:13:18 AM »
Just catching up Silver although I know whats going on.
You are in a good place my friend and you know that you have got this.
Standing or not, I believe it really doesnt matter to the MLCer. Once in replay they are the only Thing which is important. The game changer is if the LBS is still there when the MLCer Wakes up (if ever).
One day at a time, you know where I am.
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 44
W: 44
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28. Trainings partner. Still together
2 Sons - 18 & 19
2 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Filed
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0
T10. http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9547.0

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #73 on: January 08, 2018, 03:38:20 AM »
I certainly agree with what Whyus said and and that it's almost impossible not to react to what an MLCer says.

One she has left the house, you'll find detachment a lot easier and dealing with her Will be better in the future.  When they are under your feet and you're walking on egg shells, it's almost impossible to detach as you are constantly looking for clues as to what they are thinking or snooping at phones or just waiting for the next bad thing happen.

Once they are out of the house you can breathe again.  I remember feeling incredibly relieved when my H left.  I think I even did a happy dance, he was the world's worst monster though ::)

I hope this next phase goes quickly for you and you can find some peace while you wait this whole thing out.  Standing or not really doesn't matter here, there are a lot of people who are no longer standing but just want to see their spouse return to normal.

"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8451.80 (Denjef's thread)

Offline Acorn

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #74 on: January 08, 2018, 03:48:14 AM »
Hi Silver, I see that you might need a new zipper becaue the old one is rusty.  Here it it! 🤐

Of course you are angy!  It is good that you vent here and you plan on writing it all down.  These 2 outlets may calm you down a bit as you said.  After all, you don’t want to spend the last few weeks/months of your married life with too many negative interactions that both of you will remember as acrimonious.  That’s not going to be helpful for the future relationship with her, whether you stand or not.  You are going to have communication with her for the foreseeable future whether you like it or not because of the children. I’m not saying anything you don’t know.  It is a battle between your emotions and rationality...  But I have to try, right?

You have an excellent incentive here - You do your absolute best when interacting with her so that you part on best terms.  It’s good for the kids.

Since I cannot come over and rock you like a child, here are some cyber hugs...
((((((((HUGS))))))))

Here is my prayer for you:

May the Lord bless you and keep you.
May the Lord make his face to shine upon you,
and be gracious to you.
May the Lord lift up his countenance upon you,
and give you peace.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=7mYCaz20LwU
Feb 2015: H has a Nuclear meltdown.  A tear-fest.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Still home

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #75 on: January 08, 2018, 04:25:22 AM »
Hello my friend. You sound good , to be where ur at. It's already been said, but I wd try to be peaceful to W in time you are still together, just for the future. Let Ws memories be good Silver of time you have left. I do hope the time apart will help you. I know you and I both have lived a ling time walking on eggshells . DAMN that is not easy. But you habe done all you can my friend.
I hope 2018 is a better year for you. Hard too look at it as D is it the end. Normal life, yes D wd be the end. But MLC, just another stage I guess.
Glad you have someone too talk too and ease your mind some.
Hopefully the D will help the W get through her confusion a little faster. An yes, I think it will help you as well. As you know me and the crazy fruit bat  at still easing song, but it is still a battle in detaching and having no expectations as She is still cycling back and forth between normal and MLC.

I wish you the best my friend in 2018. You and your family will stay in my prayers my friend.

Offline gman242

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #76 on: January 08, 2018, 05:40:57 AM »
Quote
There are brief moments I still would want to just call STBXW and ask "could you please stop this now and come back" or something as stupid.

I still go through that.. actually, I think we all go through that. Just a desperate, dark moment where we fail to understand how this could happen, with no communication, no trying, nothing.. like we got bomb dropped, which is exactly what happened. I've always tried to shore up the back side of it by thinking to myself that I wouldn't have done that to her nor my son and I give my self a reality check thinking, hey you wanted to be gone, so good, go. I'm in charge now and I certainly won't let this happen again.

I never thought I'd be in this group nor did I ever want to, but I can see how people, post divorce, date or live together for decades and finally decide to get married. When something like this happens and it doesn't end on a mutual or healthy note, it's very, very hard to not only trust, but to believe in marriage again and to an extent, we doubt out own ability to assess someone as a life partner.

Very very valid feelings that I think are the tip of the iceberg there.

Offline Watcher

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #77 on: January 08, 2018, 05:55:09 AM »
Hi Silver,

I believe we place WAY too much on our own behavior. The 2x4 reference should be tossed as soon as the LBS eclipses the first 6 months IMO.

I'm not afraid to talk nor speak my mind to my mlc er. I don't talk to her for months but I will give her a piece of my mind if need be. We are human and there is no perfect way to go through this experience.

They are so gone in their minds during Replay. They neither care nor will they remember what was said. I agree with Savoir Affaire you can breathe while living separately. I went back home and I find that I can still breathe.

You will find your peace first. Then at some point in the future you will find that your peace will sustain itself even in contact with her. It does happen.

Wishing you much peace and strength in 2018.

Offline FamilyIsMyGoal

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #78 on: January 08, 2018, 06:00:51 AM »
Hi Silver,

First lots and lots of cyber (((((HUGS)))))  for that inner child of yours. 

I think you are doing great!  The only way I have been able to heal at all is by not seeing H at all for over 2 months.  We still have to communicate by email re kids, process, etc., and it is MUCH MUCH easier to be cordial with email than in person.

All of this is so incomprehensible.  I think I mentioned before that I have a female friend that is on the verge of initiating divorce (not MLC) and it's a very different process.  She's being considerate of his feelings, listening to his pain, even though they have done couples counseling before and hasn't worked, he wants to give it one last shot and she is willing.  She is treating him like a human being.  Not garbage that's getting thrown away.  So I understand those moments of wanting to just call and say What the heck is going on?! What is happening to you?!

My therapist says that anger is a "cover up emotion".  That it's a lot easier to feel than the real emotion of pain or fear.  I find for myself when I'm feeling angry, what is going on underneath that? And then I try to get in touch with that feeling and process it.

Lots of light and love to you!
Divorce Bomb August 6, 2017
Married 19 years
Together 22 years
Physically separated - he's 15 miles away
Two Teenage boys
Me: 54
H 58
OW? I don't know - probably plural

Offline MCSINME

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #79 on: January 08, 2018, 01:46:28 PM »
Silver:
Great to hear from you again.
I hope that you will be able to breathe easier with more "breathing room".
My thoughts will be with you, and you know we're all here for you.
Sending lots of love.
MCS
M56
H57 - Live-in MLC
Met 1984
Married 1990
MLC Began after major move 12/2016
BD#1 EA 5/17 Found by accident, denial, lying
BD#2 EA/PA 11/17 Found by accident, still Denial and lying.  Currently at least one ow (39)

S16, S19, S22

"but those who have hope in the LORD will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint"  Isiah 40:31

Offline SilverTopic starter

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #80 on: January 09, 2018, 12:42:17 AM »
Whyus, SF, Acorn, Help, gman, Watcher, FIMG & MCS.

Again all I can say is thank you all for such an amazing support you have offered to me. You are all inspirational persons really.

I agree about selfishness. That's what is maybe the worst part of this all, overwhelming and total selfishness. Like I am divorcing you now, I can't think about our kids in this decision but myself, why are you so mad to me? I mean firetruck off is the most constructive sentence I have in my mind, just thinking about it even she is not around atm.

The inner child thing, I have had many discussions with him during the year as it is the core of schema therapy. I learned that it really is possible to calm down him just by making him to trust me as an adult person and talk to him whenever he panics or fears or whatever. I know it sounds crazy but it just works most of times very well.  ::)

About anger, valid points really. I agree anger can be seen as cover up emotion as your therapist said FIMG. I have been working a lot with people suffering from deep depression during years and I do believe in theory that depression is often anger turned inwards. So what we feel may not be what is really underneath it. Thank you FIMG for interesting thoughts about it  :)

Journaling
Speaking about anger management, well I would be proud to say that I did it well for last couple of days but I don't know if I did.
It is rather new to me having to struggle this much just to keep myself civil when speaking with her. It is really hard work atm. That's why I kept my words very scarce and say nothing if I really don't have to. I am cycling between hating and understading her. I hate her about what she did, broke our family...but I understand her too as I don't see her doing it b/c she was a bad person but in crisis. I'm ok with that cycle, but every time a thought that maybe I REALLY WAS that bad to her during our last couple of years, suffocating and controlling, snooped her and didn't understand her male "friend" stuff that she is the one sane here and I am not. Sometimes I even doubt if she is MLCer after all!

Well thinking about it, I of course understand that's not the case, if she is not MLCer then who is... But maybe it is that I need to process what was my own part in this. Have I REALLY looked in the mirror and done my part of the job right (or as right as I ever could in these circumstances)? Should I have been more tolerable? I know I shouldn't snoop her nor confront her about OM(s) but I did, many times. I used words I shouldn't have, too many times. Everyone keeps saying I am a good man (well except her of course) but I really wasn't that good. Sometimes I shouted things at her that I knew my kids shouldn't really hear but they did. That's not a good father I was at those moments. There are things and words I regret, but I am glad I also apologized her, many times. She couldn't see her part about this at all anyway so at least I feel I was the one of us with spine.

All this stuff keeps coming and going, not making me feel very bad but more like questions I seek answers to. Maybe to make things even with myself and find some kind of final acceptance to proceed with my life?

Really don't know but thank you for listening, without this soundingboard would be so much harder to process all this stuff.

Lots of love to you all my brave cyber LBS friends all around the globe.





 
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline Whyus

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #81 on: January 09, 2018, 01:27:26 AM »
Hey Silver, please dont beat yourself up about saying bad Things and shouting at the Alien..
They drive us mad!!!! They are crazy, cold and heartless Monsters who feel nothing and throw us aside like an old worn out T Shirt. We are humans who trusted and loved them 100%. They took Advantage of our good nature and $h!te all over us.
Why shouldnt we tell them what we think? I have, many times.
I sometimes get the Feeling that W thinks its ok for her to do what she is doing but evil of me to talk about it!
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 44
W: 44
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28. Trainings partner. Still together
2 Sons - 18 & 19
2 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Filed
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0
T10. http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9547.0

Offline Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #82 on: January 09, 2018, 02:58:43 AM »
STS! I agree with that whyus. Don’t feel too bad about how you have handled any of this. Who knows maybe you getting angry with her helped her a bit. And if you hadn’t you might now be thinking you should have tried being angry as it may have worked. At least you can say now that you tried every angle!

Keep being strong 💪
Rose 🌹
Me-46
H-46
S-13
D-11
Married 1999
BD1 - Oct 2016
BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
Physical affair with MOW Sept 2016-Jan 2017
Emotional affair with same MOW from Jan 2017 until now - due to geography!
Tried to work through it living as a family and not telling anyone! Not easy with a lying cheating monster, he left Oct 2017 to stay with his parents and 'isn't putting a time limit on it'

Offline Acorn

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #83 on: January 09, 2018, 03:37:00 AM »
Hi Silver, self reflection is a good thing.  Self flagellation, not so much... 
Though I would prefer to err on the side of looking within myself rather than blaming others for my  emotional state and actions, it can be too much of bitter medicine.  You reflect, you learn and you move on. 

It is entirely understandable that you walk down the memory lane and see what you could have done better.  I think we instinctively seek to blame someone for the situations (especially the negative ones) we find ourselves in. I guess it’s human nature...  The easiest target, that ‘someone’, to blame is right here.  Ourselves!  We can remind ourselves of our past and reflect on it so that we can use the history to live our lives meaningfully, going forward.  That would be the ultimate goal of analyses of our personal history.  I get the feeling that is your goal.

(((((((HUGS)))))))), Silver, as you navigate this ‘limbo’ period.  God has your back.
Feb 2015: H has a Nuclear meltdown.  A tear-fest.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Still home

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #84 on: January 09, 2018, 04:08:33 AM »
Good morning Silver.
I just have too say my friend, you were not wrong for anything you did. Silver I know this is a MLC and we should handle things differently. But for our W too go off and sleep with OM, lie continuously  too our face, and continue too have an A rt in our face is not normal.
Silver if the worst thing we do is tell them the TRUTH too their face about what they are doing, so be it.  Dam my friend , that's not that bad IMO.
As Rose said , if you wd have done every single thing by the LBS rule book, been the nicest guy in the world  and just let her live her fantasy life while you just smiled everyday and said , Oh I hope you had a wonderful night honey!! Every night she came in. And then, she still firetrucking left. Silver you would be hell of alot more mad than you are now.
I don't think it matters much what we do Silver. Their gonna do what they want anyway.
Please dont worry about being mean too her, what she has done too you and the family is way worse my friend.
On the note of apologizing,  I've done it too. Thing is they don't care ATM, so might as well save that breathe for someone that wants too hear it.

Silver , you did all you cd my friend. No blame on you. It's just part of this nightmarish hell MLC we are living in .

I've always been told if you put up with someone that cheats on you, that you are weak. Well Silver , reading on this forum and knowing what all of these people have dealt with and are still supporting their spouse ARE NOT WEAK!!!!  It wd be a whole lot easier too just walk away. You didn't my friend,.you fought and fought hard for your family and you still are my friend. Keep your head up Silver and keep fighting. You haven't done not one DAMN thing wrong.

Offline FamilyIsMyGoal

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #85 on: January 09, 2018, 06:32:12 AM »
Hi Silver, self reflection is a good thing.  Self flagellation, not so much... 


Acorn, this is brilliant!  So true.  It's easy to go overboard with the self reflection into unhealthy territory 
Divorce Bomb August 6, 2017
Married 19 years
Together 22 years
Physically separated - he's 15 miles away
Two Teenage boys
Me: 54
H 58
OW? I don't know - probably plural

Offline SilverTopic starter

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #86 on: January 10, 2018, 07:25:05 AM »
Thank you all for being there for me.

Need for a quick vent... Just got home from work, tough day really, having a headache already. STBXW came home at same time and asked me if I could take care of kids for weekend three weeks from now as she plans to go away then. Not much monkey-braining needed and I just felt this overwhelming hate and anger striking. I tried to say just yes I could but thinking about her spending weekend with OM (yes she is going with him) when still living together under same roof and with her firetruckING FAMILY...I just can't hold it, I am sorry. Bad things came from my mouth really. I cannot cope with these situations anymore, she drives me literally mad. I pray God she would find her new home asap and just moved the firetruck out of here under my eyes.

I know this is just one of my bad moments and will pass but I can't stand that absolutely totally selfish behaviour. I said to her (no 2x4:s they don't help me anymore at all) that she could very well wait for a month or two before starting to travel overnight with OM as we are still living with our kids. I also told her she is still married to me. She said she is not (she is legally but I know she didn't mean that).

firetrucking think about it. She made me miserable more 14 months, holding D over me, using me, lying, giving me false hope many times. I did my best to stand, the best I could at each moment really. I fought for my family yet she broke it anyway. And now this is the level of respect she has. I don't know if I ever hated anyone in my life in a way I hate her atm.

firetruck, I just don't know what skills to apply, how to keep myself calm, I need to get out if she doesn't very soon.

Thank you my friends for letting me vent and reading.
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline Watcher

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #87 on: January 10, 2018, 07:58:38 AM »
Yes I was at that point myself. I still catch myself. There is no point in responding. They have checked out and do not care. Dont give her a reaction nor the satisfaction of seeing you upset. It begins with NC. That is where you will find your peace. It is easily achievable. Simply disengage.

Offline gman242

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #88 on: January 10, 2018, 08:07:58 AM »
I was the same way, I wanted her gone. She took care of that herself, but I tried to make it work too and we took turns sleeping on the couch. I think the lack of control on the LBSs part has to be the hardest thing to deal with. We're not given any kind of due process here.. You do get to a point where you do just feel used and you have to wonder if they were always this way and it was lurking just below the surface or is it really a mental snap and a break from reality? cause really, who does this? and sadly.. I can say I know lots of people now, now I know what to look for, it's all over the place.

Offline Thunder

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #89 on: January 10, 2018, 08:14:13 AM »
Silver, I don't blame you one bit!

I did the same thing.  I told my H he can do what ever he wants, after we are divorced.
I said I at least deserve respect as long as I am your W and we are still living together.
His response?    Well, we're getting a D so what does it matter?

I said,,yes key word "getting" but right now we are still married.  I think you can wait just while longer to do your own thing.
(It was a work house party he was going to and I knew he had a crush on the woman who was giving it.)
He never went.

I know me, I would have said no, I'm not watching the kids.

That's just me but I feel your frustration.  She is just merrily going about with him while you are still living together.  That's very hurtful for you.  She just won't see it that way because she's in La La Land.
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline Acorn

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #90 on: January 10, 2018, 09:34:22 AM »
Dear Silver,

Even an angel with 12 halos could not have held in his anger when in a situation as yours. 
Her actions are beyond a sane person’s understanding, and could only be classified as utterly selfish and rude.  No decency at all.  I’m so sorry that you had to experience this madness... How could anyone blame you for getting angry and expressing it in your most colourful language?!  Totally understandable.  However, I still would like to encourage you to do your best to speak and act in a way that saves regrets for yourself later on.  Who knows and cares what impact your outburst would have on her at this point?  I’m only concerned about your emotional wellbeing.  You would not want to be at the receiving end of the ricocheted verbal bullet that was aimed at her. 

I sincerely hope she gets herself a place to move to very soon. Like yesterday.  You can’t endure such an insult for a prolonged period. 

Hang in there, Silver.  One day at a time.  Hug your kids...

((((((HUGS)))))))

Feb 2015: H has a Nuclear meltdown.  A tear-fest.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Still home

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #91 on: January 10, 2018, 11:13:33 AM »
Hello my friend.
Not going too say much. All I have too say is negative as far as LBS rules go, so I want say it.
DAMN sure no 2x4s from me, never crossed my mind. I don't blame you one bit.
Hang in there buddy and stay strong.

Offline Clara 12

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #92 on: January 10, 2018, 01:02:46 PM »
So sorry to read what has happened Silver

Fully agree with Acorns comment about self reflection and Self flagellation. There was nothing left for you to do, you have done everything you could and thats something to be really proud off. 
And one day when she is out of MLC she will know that.

Think about your, new, boundaries and tell her. You need to set new boundaries to keep sane while still living in the same house.

You are entitled to get your emotions out and it is required for your healingprocess. As you said yourself you will have to semi- control them to avoid ending up with rage.

Every stage in this crazy MLC sh*t brings us to something new as well and it feels like you start all over again with the emotions and cycling.

Hugs x

Married - 1995
BD1 - March 2016 - ILYBINILWY
BD2 - Jan 2017 - Left
BD3 - May 2017 - OW discovered

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #93 on: January 10, 2018, 07:48:10 PM »
Don't blame yo a bit for losing it Silver, I remember these sessions very well when my xH was at home :o

Fastest solution if for one of you to move out and fast, before any other triggers are set off.

Ypu can set boundaries but only ones to protect yourself and not to control her behaviour. It would appear that from now on any interaction will turn sour.  When they have an OM, nothing else matters anymore.

Keep out of her space as much as possible, the walking on eggshells is horrible.

Use her weekend away to get out of the house if you can.  Saves more fighting and blaming.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8451.80 (Denjef's thread)

Offline Whyus

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #94 on: January 11, 2018, 02:05:46 AM »
No 2x4s from me mate, you know that. Cheeky b*tc#!
One of you has to leave the house mate or it will drive you mad. Believe me, its hard but necessary.!!
Peace Bro..
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 44
W: 44
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28. Trainings partner. Still together
2 Sons - 18 & 19
2 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Filed
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0
T10. http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9547.0

Offline Treasur

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #95 on: January 11, 2018, 02:45:53 AM »
You're good, but you're not a saint Silver....and your W is behaving like a classic MLC bi$ch, full of entitlement and giddy self-justification. If you're in one piece, the kids are ok and she has all her limbs...you did fine! Any thoughts on how you can remove yourself from her rubbing your nose in it all?
BD - Oct 15, mostly silent vanishing husband, diagnosed with severe depression in Dec 15 & seeing psychiatrist/on ADs since then
OW since Apr 16, maybe earlier?
H filed Jan 17.
80/20 strategy for me in 2018

"her soul is fierce, her heart is brave, her mind is strong." R.H Sin
Grace is...Elegance, good will, unearned blessings, a prayer of thanks and how to address a duchess.
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline SilverTopic starter

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #96 on: January 11, 2018, 12:42:33 PM »
Thank you my friends, I read and re-read your posts and felt blessed I have you all.

I feel better today or at least I coped with my anger well. Trying to think one day at time and give myself some credit for keeping calm.

Journaling

The day was actually quite important for three reasons (hey Acorn look, a list!) :

- we made a contract with real estate agent and agreed about price and other stuff for which he starts to sell our house

- STBXW told that she found a new house. She will move at end of feb. Deal was made today. I am sad yet relieved

- I took D9 with me to look a flat (meaning an apartment in rowhouse in English maybe?) which I already checked earlier this week. She liked it very much and told she could think moving in  :) I really wanted to hear her opinion and was happy to hear she liked it as I may start bargaining for it very soon. The most important reason I took her to see it is that I really would like to give her at least some feeling about her voice being heard. She is so brave little girl but I know this D is hurting her bad. She thanked me for respecting her opinion. I love her so much, her and her little brother, they would have deserved better than what is happening in their life atm.

So now I know at least that even I wouldn't get the flat, STBXW is moving out soon enough.

Looking her today trough LBS's eyes: taking account that she is now getting ALL she wants, divorce, new home, freedom to be with OM or whoever.. She looks anything but happy. She may be just tired but as we sat by our kitchen table with her and real estate guy, she wasn't herself really. Like she felt herself outsider, spoke with silent voice, scarce in words, like she was afraid or very confused.

I felt sadness, this is where we got with her, now it is so much more conrete and maybe that is good for me.

Thank you for reading, brave beautiful LBS people, I am praying for you.

"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #97 on: January 11, 2018, 01:17:28 PM »
Glad to hear you had a better day my friend. That's nice of you too let D9 have some input Silver. You are one hell of a good Daddy.
Silver there is not much You can do for your W atm. I understand how you feel. The horrible things they have done and still doing, and we still have some compassion for them.
Crazy isn't it??
Just hang in there Silver. As bad as it sounds, you will get some peace soon. Maybe that's what the W needs, just total freedom too reflect on her issues. May be the best thing. I hope so Silver.


Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #98 on: January 11, 2018, 03:41:48 PM »
You will feel a little at sea after your move Silver but it takes very little time to realise things are better without the MLCer constantly in your face.  Having to walk on eggshells is extremely tiring and you feel like a 'new you' after you settle.

MLCers rarely look happier.  How can you when you are dead inside?
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8451.80 (Denjef's thread)

Offline Whyus

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #99 on: January 12, 2018, 02:49:32 AM »
Great News Silver and your D9 sounds like an angel.
Yes, you can really see the confusion and hurt in them but still they carry on doing what makes them feel better than they felt with us.... Really???
Fools the lot of them...
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 44
W: 44
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28. Trainings partner. Still together
2 Sons - 18 & 19
2 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Filed
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0
T10. http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9547.0

Offline Acorn

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #100 on: January 12, 2018, 03:47:13 AM »
Hi Silver, so nice that you and D9 could see the flat together and that she liked it.  Your kids are VIPs in your life and I’m sure she experienced that on the excursion.  What a precious memory you created...

Now you have a definite timeline of her moving out.  February is a short month...

As for STBXW sounding and looking flat and anything but happy, no wonder, she has made her bed and now she has to lie in it.  Hope she realizes in time that D, OM, etc., won’t bring her happiness or peace.  I don’t envy her new beginning.  It starts with destroying the family; upheaval, confusion and sadness in everyone (especially the children); giving up the marital home; the guilt, etc.  The list goes on and none of it is pleasant.  Basically, she is responsible for breaking up the family.  That is so profound.  How does one live with that?

I hope your new beginning starts with the knowledge that you did your best for you and your family.  That should give you a solid foundation upon which to charter the next phase of your life.

Wishing you much strength and wisdom as you go FORWARD, Silver. 

((((((((HUGS))))))))))) 
Feb 2015: H has a Nuclear meltdown.  A tear-fest.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Still home

Offline Thunder

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #101 on: January 12, 2018, 05:02:01 AM »
Oh Silver what a great move.  Taking your d with you to ok the place.  I'm sure that made her feel special.   :)

I agree, once you move out and leave all those ghosts behind you will feel so much better.

God bless
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline Clara 12

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #102 on: January 12, 2018, 09:26:05 AM »
Wonderful news! And really great you invited D to come along.

Finding a place, packing, decorating and moving will keep you busy but once settled you can expect a new sort of cycling. On the other side you will be able to detach more since you no longer live in the same house.

Keep going Silver.

X
Married - 1995
BD1 - March 2016 - ILYBINILWY
BD2 - Jan 2017 - Left
BD3 - May 2017 - OW discovered

Offline MCSINME

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #103 on: January 12, 2018, 03:09:54 PM »
Silver:
Sounds like so much is going on; so pleased that your D had a say in the new "digs"!
I hope you feel comforted in the fact that you're starting a new phase of your standing.
You're so strong, and we're all so proud of you.
M56
H57 - Live-in MLC
Met 1984
Married 1990
MLC Began after major move 12/2016
BD#1 EA 5/17 Found by accident, denial, lying
BD#2 EA/PA 11/17 Found by accident, still Denial and lying.  Currently at least one ow (39)

S16, S19, S22

"but those who have hope in the LORD will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint"  Isiah 40:31

Offline Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #104 on: January 12, 2018, 03:39:28 PM »
Completely agree with MCSINME Silver - We are all very proud of you

Sending you strength
Rose 🌹
Me-46
H-46
S-13
D-11
Married 1999
BD1 - Oct 2016
BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
Physical affair with MOW Sept 2016-Jan 2017
Emotional affair with same MOW from Jan 2017 until now - due to geography!
Tried to work through it living as a family and not telling anyone! Not easy with a lying cheating monster, he left Oct 2017 to stay with his parents and 'isn't putting a time limit on it'

Offline SilverTopic starter

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #105 on: January 15, 2018, 12:19:52 AM »
Help, Savvy, Whyus, Acorn, Thunder, Clara, MCS, Rose, your support is amazing, thank you all from my heart.

Journaling

Weekend was good, STBXW cleaned the house (yes it is her job as I have used a lot of my time for real estate agencies and other practical stuff) and done some styling (very well I have to admit) for photos which are taken by professional photographer hopefully tomorrow. Our real estate agent is aiming to publish the adversiments at the end of this week and show the house for potential buyers at sunday. I have no expecations that house would be sold right away, we are not willing to sell underprice and it is a big house so finding the right buyer may take months.

I made my first offer for my new potential home, seller did no accept it (I knew she wouldn't but it was a good start for bargaining) and made her counter offer - which I discarded AND made my next offer. We are rather near each other's price atm and if someone else won't make better offers today, I believe I have good chances. Maybe have to raise my bid a little. I made my offer (is it offer or bid?) to stand only for this evening so she has to decide something soon.

I am very satisfied for the fact that I managed to hold my anger the whole weekend and we were cool and calm with STBXW. We even could talk about important practical stuff concerning kids and other things like which furniture she will take and which will be mine, about selling the cars and so on. I was relieved (and I bet she was too) that there were no drama between us. Still the fact is that the less time I have to spend with her the better, weekend was partly good because we were away with kids for several hours each day so not much time or space for the drama really.

There are two major issues in my mind atm, which I would love to have some comments from any of you. First, I am thinking daily could it be possible she wasn't MLCer after all?? I know she has played by script very clearly for at least 1,5 year now. But how possible it is that MLCer could look this sane and clearminded suddenly, I mean she is acting like everything is fine now. Like nothing happened, like we aren't in a situation where our 12 year lasted R has ended. Makes me spinning really, even I know it is probably just script too. Why it is so big deal is maybe that if she really finds her happiness now (I doubt it) what does that tell about me?? Probably that she has been right at least in some points she told me so many times last year, that she is not happy with me because of my controlling behaviour and other stuff, that I really did fail and that's why it is actually ok for her to just "throw me away". Is this just inevitable phase in LBS's journey to think all this stuff??

Other one is that I can't make up my mind about how should I communicate with her in the future. I am trying to keep things calm and civil, for the kids mostly but I wouldn't want to make her think that I am totally ok with all this, that I am friendly to her bc I had accepted her decisions, cause I have NOT. I can't go NC, we have to be connected trough kids' stuff, maybe rather much at the beginning. Should I keep my communication with her only with that kind of practical stuff? Or try to be a friend, which she really would like me to be. Some people stay friends after D but at least for now I am much too hurt, too disappointed to HER, too angry... I know I feel better myself the less I have contact with her, should I just follow that feeling in future too as we physically move out under the same roof?

I know no one has "correct answers" but I'm greatful for any opinions.

Wishing as good week as possible to all you my brave LBS friends.  :) 
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline Whyus

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #106 on: January 15, 2018, 12:36:22 AM »
Hi Silver, im glad that you had a "good" Weekend considering the Situation... and good luck with the house..

Firstly, I think it is normal to doudt if our spouces are MLC or not. I know that I still doubt it sometimes and anybody who has followed my Story will confirm that she is the "perfect" case for a MLCW!!! Still I doubt it sometimes...

Secondly, the contact Situation is difficult especialla with small Kids involved. I will surely not be "friends" with my W. She doesnt deserve it after all that she has put me through. Each case is different though so I think that you will have to work that one out yourself my friend...
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 44
W: 44
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28. Trainings partner. Still together
2 Sons - 18 & 19
2 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Filed
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0
T10. http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9547.0

Offline Acorn

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #107 on: January 15, 2018, 04:54:00 AM »
Hi Silver, it’s good to read that you had a drama-free weekend and that you got a few pratical things done. 

The way I see life in regards to people around me is this: What they do and say to me are about them, not me.  What they do and say to me are not because of me.  Rather, it is because of who they are.   We don’t get to control other’s brain to make them think the way they do, the decisions they make, the way they cope with situations, etc.  We are each responsible for every single thing we say and do.  Her words and actions do not say anything about you, it is about her interpretaion of you and life. 

There are always some aspects of ourselves that we would like to work on (she said you were controlling) Or, maybe these aspecats are just part of being a human being (she was having an affair!  No wonder you were snooping!).   Looking within ourselves (some call it ‘mirror work’) does come with some unnecessary and unfair categorization of ‘oh so human’ aspects into something we must cut ourselves down for and work hard to eliminate.  She accused you of being controlling.  Duh, she is not going to blame herself for the break up, is she?  There is no need for any of us to feel that we are some kind of control freak and should be locked up just because others said so.  Her accusation did touch a sensitive spot in you and you learned a lesson.  You may like to work on it a bit but you needn’t to take that as one of the main reasons for D.  It’s her justification and she owns that line of thinking.  You don’t have to buy it.

As for future communications with her, you said that you are keeping it calm and civil.  Yep, that sounds good!   I wouldn’t concern myself with what she will think about what you think.  You have no control over her brain. And, she heard you when you told her your thoughts on M and D.  She knows.

She is not your friend right now.  The dynamics may change as time goes on.  I’d say keep all communications ‘calm and civil’ just as you have been doing.

These are my 2 cents’ worth.  I’m not speaking from experience in regards to D. However, I speak from my heart and my life experiences that was full of oppornities to separate myself from what others think of me.  What they think of me is not me.  What your STBXW thinks of you, tells you who you are, does not get to define Silver.

I wish you much strength and wisdom as you travel along an unfamiliar path.
God be with you always.

(((((((HUGS))))))))

Feb 2015: H has a Nuclear meltdown.  A tear-fest.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Still home

Offline Treasur

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #108 on: January 15, 2018, 05:07:19 AM »
Acorn is wise here, Silver. When someone criticises us and it stings a little, often it's because we see a little truth in it. We can do something with that if we think it's important to us, or not. When people say things that we just go  ??? or  :o to, normally a pretty clear sign it's about them. My L was worried I'd be upset by the list of 'unreasonable behaviours' my STBXH came up with when he filed a year ago...but they were such silly obvious projections and so far from the truth, they didn't upset me at all. There were other things he could have said that might have done  :)

We all doubt it's MLC, all of us...but life has a funny way of reminding us that it is. If it quacks like a duck etc...your W was pretty textbook, I think? Would pre-MLC W have reacted this way in a 'normal' marriage breakdown? Her current demeanour is probably a MLC version of escaping pressure...you'll probably see monster when the realities unfold and she doesn't like them much. You know enough for now. Let time unfold the truth.

And how you communicate later? No need to monkey-brain that now. Get through this bit. Lick your wounds.  Trust that you'll figure that out as you go, driven by what is best for you and your kids as you have done so far on your path.
BD - Oct 15, mostly silent vanishing husband, diagnosed with severe depression in Dec 15 & seeing psychiatrist/on ADs since then
OW since Apr 16, maybe earlier?
H filed Jan 17.
80/20 strategy for me in 2018

"her soul is fierce, her heart is brave, her mind is strong." R.H Sin
Grace is...Elegance, good will, unearned blessings, a prayer of thanks and how to address a duchess.
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #109 on: January 15, 2018, 05:26:38 AM »
Hello my friend, glad you had a better weekend. Good luck on house too. I think offer is the word in your situation.

Silver , we all doubt if its MLC. I do all the time.  Same as you , my W can seem perfectly normal, then rt back too MLC. Its hard too understand, but what part of MLC is easy my friend. I think most of  us LBS have been accused of being controlling by MLCer. Hey, maybe we were Silver. But, not too the extent that MLCer says.  Most of that comes at monster time when we all were.trying too find out answers, questioning their every move, snooping, well hell yes they are going to call us controlling. Don't worry on that issuentoo much my friend.

As far as being nice and civil to W after D. I would Silver. Not for my W, but for my Kids and myself. I think you.continue too beat yourself up if you were not civil with your W. I know it's hard and we have been $h!t on enough my friend.  But JMO I think being civil with W is best too do. Make her think, well nevermind. You make her KNOW, Silver is just FINE.

Have a good one my friend and hope your Monday goes good. Hang in there buddy. 

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #110 on: January 15, 2018, 09:03:52 PM »
Allow things to fall into place Silver, monkey braining gets you into trouble!

In the end it's YOU who has to live with yourself if you are not civil to her and it doewn't sound like the person you at all.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8451.80 (Denjef's thread)

Offline SilverTopic starter

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #111 on: January 15, 2018, 11:10:40 PM »
My friends, again your thoughts and support helped me to get pieces back together, humble thank you all for that.

It is true that she knows perfectly well what I think about this all, about breaking up family and every other thing happened. She also knows she had by sincere apologies about what I have done wrong. What many of you said, like we all, like every person after R is over has to look into a mirror, so do I. I was far from perfect man yet absolutely good enough not to take blame of D if I really am honest to myself. I dare to say that though when in dark moment I may doubt it.
I have wrote before that I learned major lessons after my first D. I have NOT made those mistakes again so I succeeded in that. I am hopeful I could learn from this D too and that's one of the reasons I am going at D seminars starting in a week from now.

About communication, you are all right about it. You seem to think like I am myself. As you said Savvy it wouldn't be me if I wasn't civil or even tried to hurt her somehow bc of my own anger. Not right thing to do, she is still a mother of my precious children. I am working on communication from now on. After said that I have to admit I couldn't resist poking her a bit just a moment before I got out of front door to work this morning. She got really mad and I left her boil in it...
I am sorry (not really)  ;D

BUT I have something to journal about too!
I found my new home! I nailed the deal yesterday for that flat I told about. Very fast process the whole bargaining got trough in a week. So now I know where to move my stuff, probably at the end of feb. The flat is really ok for me and the kids and is only 200 meters from our current home so kids don't have to change school or daycare. I am very glad and relieved about this! Now of course focus is on house selling but that schedule doesn't make difference with my new home, I managed to arrange my finances that way.

SO SILVER IS GOING FORWARD IN HIS LIFE my friends  8)



 
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline Whyus

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #112 on: January 16, 2018, 12:09:21 AM »
Great update Silver.. pleased for you mate  ;D
You got this
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 44
W: 44
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28. Trainings partner. Still together
2 Sons - 18 & 19
2 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Filed
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0
T10. http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9547.0

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #113 on: January 16, 2018, 02:46:14 AM »
Great news about your new home Silver!!

I hope you can begin making some happy memories with your children there soon :)
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8451.80 (Denjef's thread)

Offline Acorn

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #114 on: January 16, 2018, 05:00:15 AM »
So happy for you that you closed the deal on the new home!  Your D liked it, the kids needn’t change their school and daycare, and you don’t have to wait very long to move into it.  Wow, it worked out so well for you.  You needed a break and you got it. 

You know what, Silver?  If I had to choose one word to describe you, it would be ‘resilient’.  You get knocked down and you rise up Every. Single. Time! 

(((((((((HUGS)))))))))
Feb 2015: H has a Nuclear meltdown.  A tear-fest.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Still home

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #115 on: January 16, 2018, 05:17:20 AM »
I didn't buy a new place when I moved but I was able to find a place to rent relatively quickly and that was a real blessing so I can imagine that is a serious load off your mind.  It is good that your kids do not have to change their whole lives as well... It is important for them to have some stability ... I wish I could get that point through MY Mid-Lifers fog but it is a moot point now....

I'm happy that things worked out for you, also with the financing... that has GOT to be a relief too...
Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 10
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
No legal action to date

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline SilverTopic starter

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #116 on: January 16, 2018, 08:31:44 AM »
Thank you Whyus, SF, Acorn, UM!

Acorn, yes I like 'resilient' thanks my dear friend. The word actually describes me thinking of my whole life since I was a kid. I guess you know me rather well already though we have never met  :)

UM, yes a big relief for so many reasons!

Wanted to share a small incident today. I came home with S4, MLCer and D9 were home already. S4 had her 4 year check up in child health center. He got some vaccinations too (he was VERY brave little man) and I decided him to have chickenbox vaccination as well as they are offered free. Well that was a BIG mistake according to STBXW. She is sure he will have major side effects for so many vaccinations at time as he was very allergic (food) as a baby. I said well he doesn't have allergies anymore does he? And that my opininion was it was good to get that shot too at same time so he doesn't have to take vaccinations until he is 6 yo. And that bc I was responsible for that health check up and took him there, I made my decision and if she disagreed she should have told me beforehand.

She got totally crazy, really monstering, shouted me twice I was an idiot (yes children heard it) and can't take care of kids... Stuff like that. Then she left to her doctor appointment. I am proud of myself as I stood calm and collected, all the time.
BUT I decided to start my "Great Civil Communication Project" tomorrow and texted her:
Monster Midlife Criser.

No reply my friends.

"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #117 on: January 16, 2018, 04:13:25 PM »
Your wife must be feeling terribly guilty to be monstering like that. Se knows her behaviour is wrong and needs to find fault with you to justify it.

Remember Silver, respond, not react.  The text was a reaction and will only make her 1. Angry, because she does not see herself as this person and 2. Make her realize she made the right decision about you, as you are crazy. These messages have no good outcomes so put the phone away when you are angry.  MLCers are cowards, try not to mirror that behaviour.

In a few weeks time you will be able to breathe again when you are in a place of your own.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8451.80 (Denjef's thread)

Offline OffRoad

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #118 on: January 16, 2018, 09:16:22 PM »
Well done, Silver. Finding a new place, taking your S to his appointment. Staying calm while she monstered. That's hard right there. Civil will come to you when it comes.  :)

Nice forward movement.


When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #119 on: January 16, 2018, 09:18:48 PM »
Congrats on the new place Silver!
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9711.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline SilverTopic starter

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #120 on: January 17, 2018, 02:54:04 AM »
Thank you SF, OffRoad, Faith!

Savvy, you are right and thanks for being straight and honest, I shouldn't have reacted the way I did. I am sure too that things will calm down as we physically separate.

Looks like today will be more sadness and even slight depression in my journey. Inevitable and probably useful too so I don't give it too much weight.
The most important thing atm is that practical things are proceeding every day and there are loads of things to do relating to house selling and the new flat too. That is probably just good right now. 

"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline Thunder

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #121 on: January 17, 2018, 03:04:25 AM »
Congrats on finding a place so soon.

You will feel so much better once you're away from her.  Calmer.
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline Treasur

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #122 on: January 17, 2018, 03:10:48 AM »
Silver, following along - sure you're right and physical separation will help. Possibly also true as well that it might create some sensitive emotions for you and/or your W as new reality bites too, so you might need to work hard on the old respond not react game  ;)  I've really found just the simple act of doing nothing in reacting for an hour or so makes a big difference...having said that, we all fall off the calm LBS wagon sometimes right?
BD - Oct 15, mostly silent vanishing husband, diagnosed with severe depression in Dec 15 & seeing psychiatrist/on ADs since then
OW since Apr 16, maybe earlier?
H filed Jan 17.
80/20 strategy for me in 2018

"her soul is fierce, her heart is brave, her mind is strong." R.H Sin
Grace is...Elegance, good will, unearned blessings, a prayer of thanks and how to address a duchess.
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Whyus

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #123 on: January 17, 2018, 03:55:11 AM »
Dont worry about how you reacted Silver, you cant Change it anyway.
These MLCWs drive you crazy, they can be so hurtful. Ist no surprise that we sometimes say "firetruck the rule book" and go straight for the throat.
I know that you will feel better after the seperation, it cant be easy seeing the Alien everyday.
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 44
W: 44
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28. Trainings partner. Still together
2 Sons - 18 & 19
2 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Filed
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0
T10. http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9547.0

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #124 on: January 17, 2018, 04:38:02 AM »
Hello Silver
So glad you were able too find a place and get it so soon. That has too be a huge releif my friend.
Please try and be civil with the W. You already know that my friend and I know you are trying. But also,.if you fail under the LBS rules, it's OK too my friend. As soon as you can be apart from W, things will get easier I hope.
Just keep on going Silver, keep trying as hard as you can. When the peace comes too you, it will. Just as we can't force or hurry up our MLCer fruit bats, we can't hurry up or force our feelings either my friend. We will continue too stumble and fail in crazy journey, but as you were told already, as long as you get back up and keep going,  you will be fine my friend. You are one hell if guy and a dad, Silver.

Keep it up and wishing you the best

Offline Acorn

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #125 on: January 17, 2018, 05:08:36 AM »
Silver, you were wondering some time ago how she looked satisfied that everything in her life was going her way.  Now you found out that was all an act as her latest outburst has shown. 

I hope all the practical matters work out without too much headache.  Finding another place to live was an enormous task and things work out for you.  I’m so glad about that! 

As others have said, you will have more peace when you move into your own place.  Hang in there, my friend. Not too long to go. 

(((((((((HUGS))))))))))))
Feb 2015: H has a Nuclear meltdown.  A tear-fest.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Still home

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #126 on: January 17, 2018, 10:00:11 PM »
Hopefully this is not an indication of what W will be like to try and work with in co-parenting after you are in separate homes.  I agree with Acorn, that this outburst has shown the inner turmoil.
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9711.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline SilverTopic starter

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #127 on: January 18, 2018, 12:53:39 AM »
Thank you Thunder, Treasur, Whyus, Help, Acorn & Faith,

As a response to you all, that's the level where I am atm - trying to keep civil and calm, learning better day by day really but dropping sometimes off the wagon as Treasur said. STBXW did monster bad in vaccinationgate (hey I learned this from Treasur's and some others' thread!) but tbh she has done ok with communication lately. She is trying to keep things calm from her side I can see that. And I have poked her few times and got her provocated so I am not an angel here either. I am sure we get along with childrens' stuff as we have separated.

What I have thought about today is something that I take as progress in my LBS journey:
I notice my mind focusing on STBXW less, I really think more about MY future atm, moving to new place, how I will decorate, financial stuff... What I will do at my "children free" weeks, no use to think I would just sitting evenings at home missing them. I am going to take the best out of it you know, to focus on myself. This is a huge thing which I just have understood: take a year back from today, all my life was absolutely scheduled, work, studies in university quite far, children of course, taking care of big house... What I will have in the future is to take care of children and spend time with them every other week and work. There are my main duties! No more stress about maintaining the house (flat is SO different compared to that), no more studying, I have my evening just for ME every other week. I am free to make my own choices in most cases. To do things very spontanely if I feel like... I can date whoever I want IF I want and I will if it feels right, am I stander or not. AND I don't have to fight with a woman who is not committed to me and to whom I can't trust anymore, who just seeks something else than me all the time.

What comes to kids, they still have their friends, school, daycare, we will live near of each other (maybe 2-3 miles between me and STBXW in the future) so if I want to see them or they want to see me also during my free weeks, I am sure it will be possible.

You know, right at this moment all this doesn't sound bad at all, does it??

Maybe, no, probably this is just something that has to happen to me, an opportunity to experience a stage in my life I thought I would never have in this life?
Seeing it as an opportunity more than as a major crisis defines my attitude towards it too. I will have pain, I will be sad and disappointed, they come as they come, I wouldn't choose this myself but being in it anyway, why not trying to take the most out of it, right?


"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline Whyus

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #128 on: January 18, 2018, 01:23:43 AM »
Im glad that your looking so positively into the future mate. Yes, having your own free time is a luxury but it wears of quite quickly after a while. Sure ist nice to spontaniously be able to do Things but the "alone" time is still there. I have S18 in the house (although I hardy see him) and K is there most evenings, I have the Dogs and a cat but it still gets lonely when S18 and K are not there.
I rarely watch TV, I dont Need it anymore.
You will Need a new Hobby my friend for when you move out. Maybe learn to play the guitar, we have spoken about this already (it takes time but the rewards are amazing). Put a dart board up maybe! Its a great "time killer" and requires concentration, you Forget alot whilst playing....

You will be fine mate, you know this.
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 44
W: 44
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28. Trainings partner. Still together
2 Sons - 18 & 19
2 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Filed
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0
T10. http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9547.0

Offline SilverTopic starter

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #129 on: January 18, 2018, 01:44:47 AM »
Thanks Whyus mate,

You are right I do need a hobby, I will start running again, that's the decision already. I was in good start in it at fall but then stopped. I already bought quality pair of spiked running shoes so I don't have to wait spring to start. Guitar thing, yes I will turn to you when it is time to choose which one to buy!

Btw the dog will move in with me so I am not totally alone, he is 10 yo already but in good shape and always ready for a walk  :)

Dart board is a great idea as well! No more truth darts though?
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #130 on: January 18, 2018, 03:20:47 AM »
You sound good Silver :)

Planning for your future is a great distraction.  Sure, you will have difficult times  but you will be in control of tour living arrangements and I remember how good that felt when it happened to me!!

Your dog will be great company and he will enjoy the extra walks he's going to get ;D I predict your dog is going o lose some weight!

Get ready for your move and let your MLCer get on with it.

"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8451.80 (Denjef's thread)

Offline Acorn

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #131 on: January 18, 2018, 04:27:07 AM »
Hey, Silver, I’m glad to read that you have some concrete positive plans for your future.  Running and learning to play the guitar.  One for the body, another for your mind.  You are so resilient and full of optimism.  You brought a  :D to my face with your gung-ho attitude to life.

Strength to Silver!!!!!!!
Feb 2015: H has a Nuclear meltdown.  A tear-fest.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Still home

Offline MCSINME

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #132 on: January 19, 2018, 05:19:44 PM »
Hi Ho Silver -- Away! (From the Lone Ranger!)

Sounds like you're taking great thoughts into caring for yourself.
So proud of all that you've been able to overcome.
Keep up the great work, and have fund with the dog (?name?).

Keep us posted.
MCS
M56
H57 - Live-in MLC
Met 1984
Married 1990
MLC Began after major move 12/2016
BD#1 EA 5/17 Found by accident, denial, lying
BD#2 EA/PA 11/17 Found by accident, still Denial and lying.  Currently at least one ow (39)

S16, S19, S22

"but those who have hope in the LORD will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint"  Isiah 40:31

Offline Clara 12

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #133 on: January 21, 2018, 01:42:35 PM »
A new place and new beginnings.!

Congrats that you were able to find something in the same area so the children do not have to say good bye to their friends. And as you mentioned yourself they are also close to their mom and free to visit when they feel like it. I do believe that is a true gift for them. Really well done Silver.

Your focus will be on the upcoming move and the sell of your house so little time to think about anything else. Of course you will have, to find, something to keep busy when the children are not with you but you might find out that it is not to bad being within your own company.

Hugs X
Married - 1995
BD1 - March 2016 - ILYBINILWY
BD2 - Jan 2017 - Left
BD3 - May 2017 - OW discovered

Offline SilverTopic starter

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #134 on: January 22, 2018, 03:32:40 AM »
Thank you Savvy, Acorn, MCS & Clara!

You help me maintain optimism in this stormy phase of my life, my friends.

Journaling
Weekend was busy, we cleaned up and styled the house as sunday was the first public showing for the house. Taking account that the house got sale at friday, there were promising amount of potential buyers already. So the asking price is probably not utopistic at least.

Emotionally last couple of days have been quite hard for me. I am thinking about good things, trying to plan my future and remember my strengths yet I find myself cycling almost everywhere between anger and acceptance, even brief moments of denial. Seeing STBXW texting with OM with smile on her face just kills me, I can't deny that. Makes me feel used and worthless even though I know I am not, I am a decent man, but the truth is she just threw me away and switched me to another, easily and without hesitation. I was weak and told her that at weekend, that it hurts like hell to see her doing that.

We had an quarrel at sat (no I couldn't stay calm and collected, I am sorry to say) and she left the house for several hours after that. I did my part of housecleaning awhile and she did hers as she came back. I ignored her the rest of the day until she came to me to speak, said that she does not want to fight with me, that we don't have to be friends but she wants to be civil with me and even wants to help me if I need her help in the future. That we could be ok about kids' matters with each other and so on. She even offered to help me economically if I need (she has much less loan than I do).

I lost my shields at that moment, sorry to say that too but I sort of broke down. I cried, she cried, I told her I just don't understand what is the reason in a big plan for me to having go trough this (divorce) once again, that why it is so that every time I become committed to someone, it ends for being threwn away just like that.
I KNOW I shouldn't say anything like that but I did, it all came out. No LBS hat on, no mask to wear nor working 3 seconds rules, there was me for few moments. I gathered myself together rather fast as I do but I showed my weakness to her with that episode. Yesterday as she was mad at me and said I was firetrucked up, I sent her a SMS she wrote me 2 months ago in which she said she misses me and things we do and doesn't want to leave me go but doesn't know what to do and she was thinking if we would be happier without each other. In addition I wrote "this was you just 2 months ago so please do not say I am firetrucked up" and it the end I wrote "but now you will find out, get an answer to the question you asked me in that SMS, still I am not abandoning you because that's what real love is".

Yip. This is Silver, I am busy cycling between all these emotions. Still doing things I shouldn't do, acting before thinking - or actually acting bc I just can't help it. I am not sure if it even can change before we are physically separated. Hurts too much to see a woman I planned to grow old with to be someone else's woman now. So I can't really even 2x4 myself for this, this is what and who I am, right now, at naked, without roles or shields. At least I did tell her once again I love her in that message didn't I?

But hey, tomorrow is better already, I am going to see my new flat today again which is real nice, we will have an expert doing some checkups in there to see everything is fine in a flat and if all is good, we are moving at final stage which is making appointment in a bank to finalize the deal. Tomorrow starts my divorce seminars too meaning I will meet people in same situation (meaning divorce, not necessarily MLC of course) to discuss with and give and get some support.
Adding YOUR support to all this, I think I will be fine again  ;)

Thank you for existing my brave LBS friends.
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #135 on: January 22, 2018, 04:47:10 AM »
Silver,

In the Safe for HS way of putting it... DooDoo Occurs..... Don't beat yourself up for being human...

You are in the middle of the tornado at the moment with the D, sale of the house, moving, etc., and your Mid-Lifer is putting on the happy face.... And, you know what? At the moment, she might even BE "happy" but I will guarantee that it will NOT last.. Sooner or later those demons that she is running from by dumping you and the kids are gonna come stomping back into her life and more besides as she comes to the realization of what she has done with regards to the kids, if not in regards to you.... In a finite amount of time (we just don't know how long that is) she'll be doing to OM what she';s doing to you know unless she has crashed and burned and gotten her head out of her .... fog.....

The cycling is totally normal in the situation where you find yourself... I remember walking out of the lawyers office on Ash Wednesday 2016 after signing over the sale documents to our house and W being all happy and joyful... I was so firetrucking angry that she could just destroy all that we had built in that time. She kept trying to start a conversation with me and I finally just told her that she had gotten what she wanted and I didn't think a separation was a thing to celebrate but that she had pushed it past the point of no return so I hoped that was really what she wanted as there was no going back. Since then reality has not been very kind to her... Her landlord has billed her for a LOT of extra stuff which is totally legal, her utility bills have skyrocketed (which I always used to pay so she was never directly impacted), S still has a bare bulb for a light in his bedroom because she can't get a light mounted, she's probably going to loose a significant part of her deposit because the landlord had a new floor put in and the workmanship was so poor that there is a huge bubble (they workers didn't lay the Laminate with any room for expansion so if buckled) but she'll probably end up holding the bag for it, etc., etc., etc.  She remarked the other day that there were a lot of benefits to having your own house... I just looked at her and said, "Yeah, I know.. and we had that." <truth dart> She did the fish (you know, mouth open, mouth close, mouth open, mouth close, no sound). So, yeah, she is regretting her idiocy but she has too much pride to admit she made a mistake... and she hasn't dealt with the basic issues that plague her so ...

As for telling her it hurts.... I get it, I really do. We want them to understand that it isn't all about them, that there are other people involved here too but she couldn't care less. In fact, that will be a monster trigger because it is intruding on her happy schmoopie life of puppy dogs, glitter-farting unicorns, rainbows, and pink cotton candy... it is the big black stain on her "happy vibe" that she KNOWS she is responsible for but, in their MLC-ness, they are incapable of either acknowledging that their actions have effects on others (after all, NO ONE ON EARTH is as important as they are) or that they are actually responsible for something bad..

Just keep on planning for YOUR future with YOUR kids (that is another thing that will come back to whack her - Boy Bear Cub told me yesterday when I was going to drop him off at his mom's on my way to church that he'd rather just stay at my place alone  :o so you know THAT has to hurt - that is a truth spear of epic proportions).

Just hang in there and once the dust settles, find your own way to your own happiness... The best revenge is a life well-lived (I read that somewhere) because, when you and your kids are happy and living a good life, her nonsense will begin to fade into the noise. At some point (at least we hope) the Mid-Lifers will begin to wake up and smell the coffee.  What happens then is really up to us...

UM

Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 10
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
No legal action to date

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Acorn

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #136 on: January 22, 2018, 04:53:39 AM »
Hi Silver, this is a tumultuous time in your life, to state the obvious.  How can you not be feeling all those emotions and express them from time to time?  You didn’t mess up anything.  You were just being human, not a block of wood.  I hope some logistical issues such as the sale of your house can keep you busy until you move into your own place.  Not seeing her everyday will help you so much with your emotional state.  In the mean time, all I can suggest is to minimize face to face contact time with her.  You are most probably doing that already... 

The sun will shine again.  I promise.  Thick grey clouds are covering the sky right now but it is there.  This troubling period, too, shall pass
Hang in there, Silver.  You will be OK.  I know it.

(((((((HUGS))))))))))
Feb 2015: H has a Nuclear meltdown.  A tear-fest.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Still home

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #137 on: January 22, 2018, 05:20:53 AM »
Hello Silver
All we can do my friend, is get up and go again.  Yep, as you said the sun will rise again.
I can't even start to compare and say how you are feeling, cause I haven't been faced with the things you are dealing with.
All I have too say is you are doing the best you can ATM.  Don't beat yourself up at all my friend.

My prayers are with you and sending you strength.

Offline MCSINME

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #138 on: January 22, 2018, 05:37:54 AM »
As lbs's, we try to be distant, detached and give the space.  But what you did, is show her some honesty and true feelings.  I think that's okay to do (very rarely, under certain circumstance), because the mlcer needs to know that you're not devoid of emotion and that you still do, deep down inside, love them.  Otherwise, what would there be for the mlcer to come back to? 

UM, Acorn and Helping have made great points, and you know you are loved by all of us here at HS.

MCS
M56
H57 - Live-in MLC
Met 1984
Married 1990
MLC Began after major move 12/2016
BD#1 EA 5/17 Found by accident, denial, lying
BD#2 EA/PA 11/17 Found by accident, still Denial and lying.  Currently at least one ow (39)

S16, S19, S22

"but those who have hope in the LORD will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint"  Isiah 40:31

Offline Whyus

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #139 on: January 22, 2018, 06:34:24 AM »
Dust yourself off and Keep on rocking mate.... I hope it wasnt our Jamesons on Friday which set you off!! If so, Sorry  8)
I too have been cycling on the Weekend but thats just how it goes.... BS!
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 44
W: 44
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28. Trainings partner. Still together
2 Sons - 18 & 19
2 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Filed
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0
T10. http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9547.0

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #140 on: January 22, 2018, 04:30:25 PM »
I will keep saying it Silver - Things will improve when you move to your new place.

Sometimes we decide to say it all while we have the chance and they are still at home.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8451.80 (Denjef's thread)

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #141 on: January 22, 2018, 06:12:26 PM »

But hey, tomorrow is better already, I am going to see my new flat today again which is real nice, we will have an expert doing some checkups in there to see everything is fine in a flat and if all is good, we are moving at final stage which is making appointment in a bank to finalize the deal. Tomorrow starts my divorce seminars too meaning I will meet people in same situation (meaning divorce, not necessarily MLC of course) to discuss with and give and get some support.
Adding YOUR support to all this, I think I will be fine again  ;)


Hope the visit to the new flat gave you reason to smile, Silver. 
After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline SilverTopic starter

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #142 on: Today at 12:05:22 AM »
Thank you all very much again my friends,


As for telling her it hurts.... I get it, I really do. We want them to understand that it isn't all about them, that there are other people involved here too but she couldn't care less. In fact, that will be a monster trigger because it is intruding on her happy schmoopie life of puppy dogs, glitter-farting unicorns, rainbows, and pink cotton candy... it is the big black stain on her "happy vibe" that she KNOWS she is responsible for but, in their MLC-ness, they are incapable of either acknowledging that their actions have effects on others (after all, NO ONE ON EARTH is as important as they are) or that they are actually responsible for something bad..


UM, that's probably the worst part of this all (in addition to kids having to live in 2 homes in the future). An absolute, 100% selfishness of MLCer. They just do not care, no empathy though I have seen crocodile tears in her eyes, they are really not cried for anyone else but her life being "so hard that it got the worst out of both of us". Then telling me with calm peaceful voice "it was you jealousy that made this R end". firetruck, I can't stand it, she is still so denial of her own part of this all that I can't look at her anymore, I feel so much hate if I do. I was jealous? Yes you are firetrucking right I was, because YOU HAD AFFAIR and crush on for at least 5 different men during ONE YEAR. I know, UM, that it is no use trying to make her see it, I don't believe she ever will. This will be on my shoulders in her opinion as long as she lives, I am sure about that and THAT is the part I have really problems to deal with.

Dust yourself off and Keep on rocking mate.... I hope it wasnt our Jamesons on Friday which set you off!! If so, Sorry  8)
I too have been cycling on the Weekend but thats just how it goes.... BS!

Oh no mate, Jameson part was the best part of my weekend, thanks for that  8)

I appreaciate all the support you are giving me you good, strong people. I will try to pay it forward myself, right now I am really bad support for anyone, just don't have strength enough atm. I am sorry I have not followed your threads lately, I will soon again.

Today start the D seminar, I paid only for this first meeting and am able to decide after that if I want to participate. Seminar takes place once a week and includes 11 meetings. I will journal later how it went and if I am going to continue with it.

Anyway the good news are that my new flat seems to be in good condition also what comes to waterproofings and other important stuff, we had a professional making measurements and other check ups yesterday and everything was good. I am planning the decoration already.  :)


"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline MCSINME

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #143 on: Today at 07:19:50 AM »
Silver:
Just focus on yourself now and taking care to be sure you stay healthy (physically and mentally).
Enjoy the thoughts of your new flat and "home" -- for YOU.
Let us know about the D seminary and how you enjoy it.

We will be thinking about you.

MCS
M56
H57 - Live-in MLC
Met 1984
Married 1990
MLC Began after major move 12/2016
BD#1 EA 5/17 Found by accident, denial, lying
BD#2 EA/PA 11/17 Found by accident, still Denial and lying.  Currently at least one ow (39)

S16, S19, S22

"but those who have hope in the LORD will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint"  Isiah 40:31

Offline FamilyIsMyGoal

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #144 on: Today at 09:01:42 AM »
Just wanted to offer my support, Silver.  I think you are doing great!  You are walking through the worst part of it right now, just keep walking.  You have been a great inspiration for me!  And yes, that part about your jealousy being the end of the R is absolutely nuts.  Just nuts.  (((((hugs)))))
Divorce Bomb August 6, 2017
Married 19 years
Together 22 years
Physically separated - he's 15 miles away
Two Teenage boys
Me: 54
H 58
OW? I don't know - probably plural


 

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