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Author Topic: My Story Divorce  (Read 1852 times)

Offline Acorn

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My Story Re: Divorce
« Reply #100 on: January 12, 2018, 03:47:13 AM »
Hi Silver, so nice that you and D9 could see the flat together and that she liked it.  Your kids are VIPs in your life and I’m sure she experienced that on the excursion.  What a precious memory you created...

Now you have a definite timeline of her moving out.  February is a short month...

As for STBXW sounding and looking flat and anything but happy, no wonder, she has made her bed and now she has to lie in it.  Hope she realizes in time that D, OM, etc., won’t bring her happiness or peace.  I don’t envy her new beginning.  It starts with destroying the family; upheaval, confusion and sadness in everyone (especially the children); giving up the marital home; the guilt, etc.  The list goes on and none of it is pleasant.  Basically, she is responsible for breaking up the family.  That is so profound.  How does one live with that?

I hope your new beginning starts with the knowledge that you did your best for you and your family.  That should give you a solid foundation upon which to charter the next phase of your life.

Wishing you much strength and wisdom as you go FORWARD, Silver. 

((((((((HUGS))))))))))) 
Feb 2015: H has a Nuclear meltdown.  A tear-fest.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Still home

Online Thunder

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #101 on: January 12, 2018, 05:02:01 AM »
Oh Silver what a great move.  Taking your d with you to ok the place.  I'm sure that made her feel special.   :)

I agree, once you move out and leave all those ghosts behind you will feel so much better.

God bless
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline Clara 12

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #102 on: January 12, 2018, 09:26:05 AM »
Wonderful news! And really great you invited D to come along.

Finding a place, packing, decorating and moving will keep you busy but once settled you can expect a new sort of cycling. On the other side you will be able to detach more since you no longer live in the same house.

Keep going Silver.

X
Married - 1995
BD1 - March 2016 - ILYBINILWY
BD2 - Jan 2017 - Left
BD3 - May 2017 - OW discovered

Offline MCSINME

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #103 on: January 12, 2018, 03:09:54 PM »
Silver:
Sounds like so much is going on; so pleased that your D had a say in the new "digs"!
I hope you feel comforted in the fact that you're starting a new phase of your standing.
You're so strong, and we're all so proud of you.
M56
H57 - Live-in MLC
Met 1984
Married 1990
MLC Began after major move 12/2016
BD#1 EA 5/17 Found by accident, denial, lying
BD#2 EA/PA 11/17 Found by accident, still Denial and lying.  Currently at least one ow (39)

S16, S19, S22

"but those who have hope in the LORD will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint"  Isiah 40:31

Offline Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #104 on: January 12, 2018, 03:39:28 PM »
Completely agree with MCSINME Silver - We are all very proud of you

Sending you strength
Rose 🌹
Me-46
H-46
S-13
D-11
Married 1999
BD1 - Oct 2016
BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
Physical affair with MOW Sept 2016-Jan 2017
Emotional affair with same MOW from Jan 2017 until now - due to geography!
Tried to work through it living as a family and not telling anyone! Not easy with a lying cheating monster, he left Oct 2017 to stay with his parents and 'isn't putting a time limit on it'

Offline SilverTopic starter

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #105 on: January 15, 2018, 12:19:52 AM »
Help, Savvy, Whyus, Acorn, Thunder, Clara, MCS, Rose, your support is amazing, thank you all from my heart.

Journaling

Weekend was good, STBXW cleaned the house (yes it is her job as I have used a lot of my time for real estate agencies and other practical stuff) and done some styling (very well I have to admit) for photos which are taken by professional photographer hopefully tomorrow. Our real estate agent is aiming to publish the adversiments at the end of this week and show the house for potential buyers at sunday. I have no expecations that house would be sold right away, we are not willing to sell underprice and it is a big house so finding the right buyer may take months.

I made my first offer for my new potential home, seller did no accept it (I knew she wouldn't but it was a good start for bargaining) and made her counter offer - which I discarded AND made my next offer. We are rather near each other's price atm and if someone else won't make better offers today, I believe I have good chances. Maybe have to raise my bid a little. I made my offer (is it offer or bid?) to stand only for this evening so she has to decide something soon.

I am very satisfied for the fact that I managed to hold my anger the whole weekend and we were cool and calm with STBXW. We even could talk about important practical stuff concerning kids and other things like which furniture she will take and which will be mine, about selling the cars and so on. I was relieved (and I bet she was too) that there were no drama between us. Still the fact is that the less time I have to spend with her the better, weekend was partly good because we were away with kids for several hours each day so not much time or space for the drama really.

There are two major issues in my mind atm, which I would love to have some comments from any of you. First, I am thinking daily could it be possible she wasn't MLCer after all?? I know she has played by script very clearly for at least 1,5 year now. But how possible it is that MLCer could look this sane and clearminded suddenly, I mean she is acting like everything is fine now. Like nothing happened, like we aren't in a situation where our 12 year lasted R has ended. Makes me spinning really, even I know it is probably just script too. Why it is so big deal is maybe that if she really finds her happiness now (I doubt it) what does that tell about me?? Probably that she has been right at least in some points she told me so many times last year, that she is not happy with me because of my controlling behaviour and other stuff, that I really did fail and that's why it is actually ok for her to just "throw me away". Is this just inevitable phase in LBS's journey to think all this stuff??

Other one is that I can't make up my mind about how should I communicate with her in the future. I am trying to keep things calm and civil, for the kids mostly but I wouldn't want to make her think that I am totally ok with all this, that I am friendly to her bc I had accepted her decisions, cause I have NOT. I can't go NC, we have to be connected trough kids' stuff, maybe rather much at the beginning. Should I keep my communication with her only with that kind of practical stuff? Or try to be a friend, which she really would like me to be. Some people stay friends after D but at least for now I am much too hurt, too disappointed to HER, too angry... I know I feel better myself the less I have contact with her, should I just follow that feeling in future too as we physically move out under the same roof?

I know no one has "correct answers" but I'm greatful for any opinions.

Wishing as good week as possible to all you my brave LBS friends.  :) 
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Online Whyus

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #106 on: January 15, 2018, 12:36:22 AM »
Hi Silver, im glad that you had a "good" Weekend considering the Situation... and good luck with the house..

Firstly, I think it is normal to doudt if our spouces are MLC or not. I know that I still doubt it sometimes and anybody who has followed my Story will confirm that she is the "perfect" case for a MLCW!!! Still I doubt it sometimes...

Secondly, the contact Situation is difficult especialla with small Kids involved. I will surely not be "friends" with my W. She doesnt deserve it after all that she has put me through. Each case is different though so I think that you will have to work that one out yourself my friend...
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 44
W: 44
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28. Trainings partner. Still together
2 Sons - 18 & 19
2 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Filed
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0
T10. http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9547.0

Offline Acorn

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #107 on: January 15, 2018, 04:54:00 AM »
Hi Silver, it’s good to read that you had a drama-free weekend and that you got a few pratical things done. 

The way I see life in regards to people around me is this: What they do and say to me are about them, not me.  What they do and say to me are not because of me.  Rather, it is because of who they are.   We don’t get to control other’s brain to make them think the way they do, the decisions they make, the way they cope with situations, etc.  We are each responsible for every single thing we say and do.  Her words and actions do not say anything about you, it is about her interpretaion of you and life. 

There are always some aspects of ourselves that we would like to work on (she said you were controlling) Or, maybe these aspecats are just part of being a human being (she was having an affair!  No wonder you were snooping!).   Looking within ourselves (some call it ‘mirror work’) does come with some unnecessary and unfair categorization of ‘oh so human’ aspects into something we must cut ourselves down for and work hard to eliminate.  She accused you of being controlling.  Duh, she is not going to blame herself for the break up, is she?  There is no need for any of us to feel that we are some kind of control freak and should be locked up just because others said so.  Her accusation did touch a sensitive spot in you and you learned a lesson.  You may like to work on it a bit but you needn’t to take that as one of the main reasons for D.  It’s her justification and she owns that line of thinking.  You don’t have to buy it.

As for future communications with her, you said that you are keeping it calm and civil.  Yep, that sounds good!   I wouldn’t concern myself with what she will think about what you think.  You have no control over her brain. And, she heard you when you told her your thoughts on M and D.  She knows.

She is not your friend right now.  The dynamics may change as time goes on.  I’d say keep all communications ‘calm and civil’ just as you have been doing.

These are my 2 cents’ worth.  I’m not speaking from experience in regards to D. However, I speak from my heart and my life experiences that was full of oppornities to separate myself from what others think of me.  What they think of me is not me.  What your STBXW thinks of you, tells you who you are, does not get to define Silver.

I wish you much strength and wisdom as you travel along an unfamiliar path.
God be with you always.

(((((((HUGS))))))))

Feb 2015: H has a Nuclear meltdown.  A tear-fest.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Still home

Online Treasur

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #108 on: January 15, 2018, 05:07:19 AM »
Acorn is wise here, Silver. When someone criticises us and it stings a little, often it's because we see a little truth in it. We can do something with that if we think it's important to us, or not. When people say things that we just go  ??? or  :o to, normally a pretty clear sign it's about them. My L was worried I'd be upset by the list of 'unreasonable behaviours' my STBXH came up with when he filed a year ago...but they were such silly obvious projections and so far from the truth, they didn't upset me at all. There were other things he could have said that might have done  :)

We all doubt it's MLC, all of us...but life has a funny way of reminding us that it is. If it quacks like a duck etc...your W was pretty textbook, I think? Would pre-MLC W have reacted this way in a 'normal' marriage breakdown? Her current demeanour is probably a MLC version of escaping pressure...you'll probably see monster when the realities unfold and she doesn't like them much. You know enough for now. Let time unfold the truth.

And how you communicate later? No need to monkey-brain that now. Get through this bit. Lick your wounds.  Trust that you'll figure that out as you go, driven by what is best for you and your kids as you have done so far on your path.
BD - Oct 15, mostly silent vanishing husband, diagnosed with severe depression in Dec 15 & seeing psychiatrist/on ADs since then
OW since Apr 16, maybe earlier?
H filed Jan 17.
80/20 strategy for me in 2018

"her soul is fierce, her heart is brave, her mind is strong." R.H Sin
Grace is...Elegance, good will, unearned blessings, a prayer of thanks and how to address a duchess.
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: Divorce
« Reply #109 on: January 15, 2018, 05:26:38 AM »
Hello my friend, glad you had a better weekend. Good luck on house too. I think offer is the word in your situation.

Silver , we all doubt if its MLC. I do all the time.  Same as you , my W can seem perfectly normal, then rt back too MLC. Its hard too understand, but what part of MLC is easy my friend. I think most of  us LBS have been accused of being controlling by MLCer. Hey, maybe we were Silver. But, not too the extent that MLCer says.  Most of that comes at monster time when we all were.trying too find out answers, questioning their every move, snooping, well hell yes they are going to call us controlling. Don't worry on that issuentoo much my friend.

As far as being nice and civil to W after D. I would Silver. Not for my W, but for my Kids and myself. I think you.continue too beat yourself up if you were not civil with your W. I know it's hard and we have been $h!t on enough my friend.  But JMO I think being civil with W is best too do. Make her think, well nevermind. You make her KNOW, Silver is just FINE.

Have a good one my friend and hope your Monday goes good. Hang in there buddy. 


 

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