Author Topic: My Story Newbie Looking for Support and Advice  (Read 1440 times)

Online sampsedTopic starter

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My Story Newbie Looking for Support and Advice
« on: December 26, 2017, 12:10:22 PM »
Hello!  My BD was 10/29/17.  I found out today he had been planning this for several months but didn't want to tell me until after we got back from vacation visiting our son.

What I do know:

I rcvd a call from H that and he said I love you but I am not in love with you and I want a divorce.
He came home later to face me and tell me there was someone else but that is not why he was leaving me.  I was mean and miserable, I withheld sex, I ignored him, didn't clean enough, didn't cook at home enough, etc, etc.  and he has been unhappy for years.  I will admit, I am not perfect and sometimes I was naggy and b*tc#ty, but not for our entire lives together.   We hardly ever fought.  I was totally blindsided.
He left and moved in with OW.  To this date, he still tells me he didn't leave me for another woman.  The OW is totally the opporsite of me.  She dresses provacitively and has tats and piercings but is our same age.  I am a professional woman and I like to dress casually, but nicely.
He went to 2 counseling sessions but only to help me because I needed the help. 
For 3 weeks, he didn't communicate hardly at all.   In the last 2 weeks he is making time to communicate almost daily via a phone call and visits 2 to 3 times a week.  He originally started coming over to do chores around the house and fix things.  Now there is no more chores, so he is coming over to eat leftovers.

Things that he did that are out of character for him:

Buying and wearing Harley Garb on a daily basis.  I recall a conversation with him about 6 months ago after buying his HD where he advised me that he was approached in a restaurant by a gentleman and they started talking because he was wearing a HD hat.  He said he felt respected.  He did buy a HD but he had been planning on doing this for years.  It was his retirement present to himself.

When he left, he left his dog behind.  He loved his dog.   Now he hardly talks about her.

He has almost non-existant communication with our kids.  He used to talk to our son and daughter in law daily.  Now only a few minutes a week.  He hardly reaches out to our daughter or inquires about our grandson.  He is also avoid my parents even though they want to accept him no matter what has happened.

He is drinking more and spending more time gambling.  So far, he has not exceeded his allowance for these things.

He announced he is moving but doesn't know for sure where.  Maybe to Missouri to follow the OW.  Maybe to S Carolina so he can ride bike year round.
He announced he is not happy with his current job and wants to work somewhere else.  He told me he wanted to go work for HD and I told him to apply and move.  He didn't.
He just seems unhappy most of the time and sits playing video games on his phone.  If you talk to him, he doesn't hear you at all.
He has a lot of concerns about his father getting older and suffering from mild alzheimers.   This really bugs him.  Right about the time the affair was getting underway, a coworker died suddenly from a heart attack.

I have read and read and read over the last few months.    I think he may be in a MLC but how do I know for sure?  I don't want to pigeon hole him into this only to make me feel better.  How do I know if it was truly an unhappy marriage like he claims or if it could be MLC.

What do I do from here?  Right now I am standing and plan on doing this for as long as I can.   He no longer wants a divorce because he doesn't want me to loose healthcare, but he is still with the OW.

I am open to advice and suggestions.   D

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out same day to be with OW
BY 1966
H BY 1966
Married 32 years
Together 34.5 year
D - 1989 Married with 2 children, living locally
S -  1991 Professional School living across Country  - Still relies on us for support

Offline GonerinGhana

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Re: Newbie Looking for Support and Advice
« Reply #1 on: December 26, 2017, 12:24:50 PM »
I don't know if it is going to make you feel better in the long run...but there's nothing in your post that DOESN'T sound like MLC.

Offline OldPilot

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Re: Newbie Looking for Support and Advice
« Reply #2 on: December 26, 2017, 12:33:06 PM »
Welcome to the Board

You are in a good place.
Your H/W  is on his/her own journey.
You can not do anything to control this trip.
Come here and read or vent, we will listen.
Give your H/W space  he/she needs to heal himself/herself.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Your need to start working on you.
There is nothing that you can do to help your H/W.

He/She has given you a gift.
It is time!!

Use the time wisely to make yourself a better person.
Look in the mirror to see what it is that you can improve.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Read some books on depression. Both for yourself! And for H/W.
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

Read the resources from this site.
The links that are in my signature.

Detach. - The single most important thing you can do

The detach link and HB's 6 stages of MLC(rewritten from Jim Conway) located in the resources above.

Developing Detachment

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Please make a request on the  Want a Mentor? stickie
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Keep posting and asking questions and we will try to answer them.

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Online Thunder

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Re: Newbie Looking for Support and Advice
« Reply #3 on: December 26, 2017, 01:47:07 PM »
Samp, he is like a poster child for MLC.

Everything he is doing is right from the check off list.
I'm really sorry you are going through this.  It's very hard and it takes a long time for them to come out of it.

All I can suggest is take care of yourself, have NO relationship talks with him and protect yourself, financially.
You never know what kind of mess they can put you in when their in this crisis.  They get pretty crazy.

Samp, just know you did nothing to cause this, no matter what he says.  All lies he made up in his head! It not about you or your marriage, it about him and his crazy crisis.

You can't fix him or hurry it up.  It's something he needs to get through.

May I suggest, if he's living with his ow he should not be able to come and go at your home.  He should be calling you first to see if it's ok.  He is no longer living there and needs to respect your privacy.

Keep reading all the articles and stories on here.  They will help.
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline Anjae

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Re: Newbie Looking for Support and Advice
« Reply #4 on: December 26, 2017, 02:22:57 PM »
Hello and welcome, sampsed.

Agree. Not much more, if anything, you can do.

You are already prepared for the situation to last a long while.

Hard and weird it may be, it is true, your husband didn't left for another woman. He left because he is MLC. OW come with the territory. She is a symptom, not the reason.

Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Online barbiedoll

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Re: Newbie Looking for Support and Advice
« Reply #5 on: December 26, 2017, 02:38:33 PM »
Hello Samp ... there is nothing that does NOT sound 100% MLC. All of it. So, welcome, you will find much support and advise here . Keep reading and posting and we will help wherever we can. I absolutely agree with Thunder . He should not be coming and going from your home as if he lives there . He is living with another women, so things need to change accordingly . He cannot have/do both. For now, just read and comment as you like but boundaries will be something to consider. Take good care of yourself in all ways . welcome!
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Newbie Looking for Support and Advice
« Reply #6 on: December 27, 2017, 04:15:05 AM »
Hi Samp,

It walks like a duck, flies like a duck, swims like a duck, quacks like a duck, looks like a duck, poops like a duck, and if cooked tastes like a duck.... There is a 99.95% probability that, yep, it's a duck.....

I can't add to what the other have said before but they are giving you good advice. The fact he is living with someone else means that, by default, he has given up the rights to come and go as he pleases... This is NOT Hotel Hunnybunch where he can get a home cooked meal (which he complained you didn't do enough of) and whatever else .....

Anjae is also correct in that he didn't leave you BECAUSE of OW... She is a symptom of his crisis and nothing more.....

Make SURE that you are financially protected. If he does go off and quit his job, what will you do? He doesn't want to quit because then you'll loose healthcare... today... Tomorrow, he may very well change his mind... You'll need to think about what steps you need to take in the event he decides to toss it all overboard.... and plan accordingly. there is a concept about living like they are not coming back (in other words, going it alone) and this is something that you may wish to consider in the shorter, rather than the longer term.. This is really not something that can be put off because it could very quickly become too late... Mid-Lifers are about as predicatble as the path of a tornado... and just about as destructive if they get spun up....

Keep posting and you will find a lot of people with stories that are so similar they'll take your breath away.... they will also be able to help you as needed offer support or, if nothing else, a shoulder to lean on and a place to rant/vent where people actually DO understand what you are talking about....

So, for the first basics:

1) Make sure that you are eating to the extent possible and healthy... Chocolate 24x7 is probably NOT going top be a good idea but neither is starvation... A lot of us went through a period where it was virtually impossible to keep or choke anything down... The LBS diet is famous.
2) Sleep - This is hard.... Sleep is vital to our physical well-being but it is also when we became vulnerable to our own minds. I won't go into the nightmares that plagued me for a while but I found out that I was not alone, this was not something that only I had happen, and that it does pass... in time.
3) Exercise - getting some sort of physical motion, bei it going for a walk, hitting the gym, whatever, is also crucial for maintaining one's equilibrium and balance.... It may sound callous but the best thing H could have done was to leave the dog... Doggie MUST go out a certain number of times every day so that forces us to go outside whether we want to or not....
4) Water - I know it sounds absurd but making sure that you are hydrated is also very important....

Self-care is hard at first but it is crucial.....
Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 10
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
No legal action to date

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online sampsedTopic starter

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Re: Newbie Looking for Support and Advice
« Reply #7 on: December 27, 2017, 07:07:12 AM »
Thanks everyone.....

H came over for leftovers last night.  He stayed and watched about an hour of TV and we had opportunity to talk...but not about us...we just talked about things in general.
When he left, he asked for a hug and I allowed him a hug.  Not romantic at all.  Just as I would give a good friend leaving.  I have made up my mind that although he may have tore down our HOME when he left, I am going to rebuild a new home with or without him.  Right now I am laying a foundation and I am trying to incorporate him from a friend point of view.

As far as him coming and going.  He has always advised me in advance of when he plans to come around with one exception.  I made last minute plans to pick up my grandson and I invited his parents to come visit.  He relayed the message but then also showed up himself.

As for this week, he is planning on stopping by Sat evening to help me clean up from Christmas and take down the decorations.  He volunteered and he has been using small jobs around the house as reasons to stop by it seems.   I would appreciate the help even though I really wouldn't need it.
He asked that my D28 and family be allowed to come over on Sunday and he join us to watch his football team.  Originally he had been planning on going to her house but then asked last night if we could all come to our home.  Since it is a family thing, I don't have a problem with this at all.
He gave me permission to invite his parents over on New Years for Pork and Kraut when I invite all my family.  This has been something we have been doing.  His parents came to visit on Thanksgiving because H and sister in law didn't do anything.  In years past we invite both sides of the family because we have the home that is functional to have multiple guests visit.

This is where I am at for me:

I have started counseling for me and I will continue as long as I need.  My sister has become my rock and is there when I need an ear but I don't want to burden her either.
I have already started looking at me and found some things I don't like and my counselor is helping me implement plans to work on these to make permanent changes so I can deal better in the future with adversity.  I already feel my confidence levels rising.  She is also working with me to rebuild me as I address the good and the bad of me.
I started a work out regime almost 1.5 mos ago and I have stuck with it.  Today was terribly cold in PA and I was going to avoid my walk, but H called to tell me that there was no wind and despite the bitter cold, if I bundled I would be safe to walk.   Actually he was right and I appreciate his support.  I walk at least an hour a day and it adds up to between 3 and 4 miles.   I was extremely overweight and thus far I have lost 40 pounds all through exercise and smart food choices.   I know I have to take care of myself...not only for me but for our pets and my children and grand children.  I want to stay healthy and happy for all of us!  I still have another 76 pounds to loose and I am planning on it taking a year or more to reach my goal.
Everyone says work on you.....I am trying but I always feel like I am not doing enough.   I am constantly looking for more I can work on.  I would love to ask H what else he thinks I should work on, but I worry that doing so would put undo pressure on him.  Thoughts?   Should I even worry about what he thinks at this time?
I am trying hard to get into a mindset that the marriage as I knew it was over.  I love H and I want him to be happy.  If that means he has to leave me to be with someone else to be happy, then I want to eventually be the one who can truly support him.   In order to do that, I know I have to come to terms with the end of the marriage and I have prepare to move forward.   The part that is holding me back is that I can't get WE and US out of my head.   I think to the future and I still envision him and I having a life together and that is what I need to put behind me somehow and concentrate on what I need to do for me.  I was doing well moving in that direction and then he suddenly started to come around.

As for health care, that is not tied to his current job.  If he quits, healthcare continues.  He is retired law enforcement so the healthcare we have is with the position he retired from.  If he quits his job, the only thing he will loose is additional life insurance and his fun money.

I have not yet consulted an attorney.  I will be doing so after the holidays.   I was going to go do it about a month ago but I was an emotional train wreck and now I feel strong enough to actually go and talk and get the info I need.

My concerns right now:

Is it normal for him to come back for the visits so soon?   Part of me wants to be hopeful, but I know there is no hope as long as he is living with OW and right now I see no moves in him moving away from that situation.   Part of me is full of fear that he is playing games.  Basically stringing us both along.  I feel in my heart that he is probably not being honest with her at all about coming for visits but I honestly do not know that for sure.  It is just my gut feeling.

How should I handle visits in the future.  You talk about boundaries....what would be a good boundary so we can continue to have communication and get to know each other again  but also so that he is not abusing the privilege of visiting me at home? I keep these visits purley platonic and I have no plans on allowing them to escalate should he try.  Thus far, he has not tried.  It is just as 2 friends visiting.   Should I address with him that I don't feel he is being honest with the OW and he should be if he hopes to have a future with her?  I don't feel like it is my place as his wife, but technically I really am no longer his wife and as a woman thinking about another woman, he is treating her unfairly.   That rustles my feathers.   Friends tell me it is none of my concern and let it be.   

thanks again for all your help and support!   D
BD 10 29 2017  Moved out same day to be with OW
BY 1966
H BY 1966
Married 32 years
Together 34.5 year
D - 1989 Married with 2 children, living locally
S -  1991 Professional School living across Country  - Still relies on us for support

Offline FamilyIsMyGoal

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Re: Newbie Looking for Support and Advice
« Reply #8 on: December 27, 2017, 08:35:35 AM »
Hey Newbie, you sound just like me!  I have also been afraid of labeling it just to make myself feel better.  This road sucks, but there are plenty of growth opportunities.  I am still very much a newbie too.  In the beginning I took 100% of the blame.  Well, because he blamed me 100%!   It's been very hard to shake that off.  But I have come to a place where I own my part of it and am working very hard to better myself.  As far as I can tell, he doesn't own any of his part of it which was quite a lot!

 Lately for me, it has been best to have as little contact with him as possible.  Obviously, because we still have yet to go through the process, and we have kids, we still have to have some contact.  I try to stay as unemotional as possible and communicate through email.  This is very tough and I have dreams about him every night.  I just have to have faith that I will get through this.

 My goal is to reach a point of forgiveness, both for myself and for him.  I don't want to hang on to anger and bitterness, but I know that will be with me for awhile.  I'm trying not to be hard on myself in any way (he does enough of that for both of us!) Stay strong and do something kind for yourself everyday.  (((hugs)))
Divorce Bomb August 6, 2017
Married 19 years
Together 22 years
Physically separated - he's 15 miles away
Two Teenage boys
Me: 54
H 58
OW? I don't know - probably plural

Online sampsedTopic starter

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Re: Newbie Looking for Support and Advice
« Reply #9 on: December 28, 2017, 05:17:59 AM »
Yesterday was interesting. H sent me a text letting me know he wanted to stop by the house to pick up more leftovers. Told me he would be in and out before I was home. I was fine with that and told him so.  When I got home from work, his car was in the driveway. Walked in expecting to see him and he was there with his brother eating pie and making sandwiches for tomorrow’s lunch as planned.  FYI. His brother has been out of the area for 4 years and we bought this house only 3 years ago

I held my calm and welcomed brother home and was a hospitable hostess. The two of them walked the property said goodbyes and left

This morning I nicely confronted him as to why he brought his brother around. His reply.  I wanted to show him our house. He had never seen it. I showed him the land we own and talked to him about the boundary dispute we have with the neighbor. I advised in the future he check with me before bringing guests to the house.

What I don’t get is why bring your brother to see the home you left and have no intention of returning too

Second interesting event, H advised my sister that I am his friend and that is all it is going to be now and for awhile. He also told her he needs to leave the home of the OW and live on his own but doesn’t know when. He still plans on moving away but unsure when. OW is not happy that he plans to move away in the future.  He can envision his future with the OW but he can also envision his future without the OW.  He had no regrets for what he had done. Lastly the OW does not know he is visiting but he doesn’t care if she finds out because he is never gonna he pinned down again.

Wow is all I can say.  That is a lot of info that he shared with my sister. I am assuming he knows she is sharing with me.

Is it wrong that none of this is surprising based on my research. Is it wrong that I still hope for the day he finishes his journey even though I  know it may be a long time coming?  Is it ok to still have controlled visits?  He comes over occasionally for supper and some movies?
Am I on the right course of action to support him but not enable him?
BD 10 29 2017  Moved out same day to be with OW
BY 1966
H BY 1966
Married 32 years
Together 34.5 year
D - 1989 Married with 2 children, living locally
S -  1991 Professional School living across Country  - Still relies on us for support


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