Author Topic: My Story Newbie Looking for Support and Advice  (Read 1594 times)

Online Thunder

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My Story Re: Newbie Looking for Support and Advice
« Reply #10 on: December 28, 2017, 05:56:17 AM »
First off let me congratulate you on your weight loss.  Awesome job!

Samps, I hate saying this but right now your H is not your friend.  They all try this.  They blow up the marriage, walk out, live with ow's, then think we should be their friend??
It's only to look like the good guy so they can cover their guilt.  See..look we are still friends, I didn't do anything wrong.  She's not upset.

But they did do something wrong.  They just don't want to own it because they know what they are doing is unkind.
True friends are not unkind and go out of their way not to hurt us.

I'm not saying you shouldn't treat him friendly, but there is a difference between friendly and a friend.
Friendly is how you treat a cousin or a co-worker.

I'm having a hard time with him coming over for leftovers.  He no longer lives there, those are not his leftovers.
Let his ow cook for him.

I'm glad you see how unfair he is being to both of you.  Most hate the ow and could care less about her, but she is human being too.  Granted a screwed up human being but you both deserve respect.
If he is living with her and see you he is cake eating.

Please don't allow him to have the best of two worlds.
It will never give him incentive to change, or miss you.  He'll have both of you.
He needs to know you are not an option, you are his wife....or you are nothing..no friend and I would tell your sister that.

As far as talking to him about the ow I wouldn't do it.  It just gives her power.  Act like she doesn't even exist.  If he brings her up..sorry but I don't care to hear about her, she is nothing to me.

I personally think you are doing good for being in this such a short time.
Keep taking good care of yourself and do things that make you happy.  Let him do his own thing.

I too walk for an hour every day and love walking in all weather.  You just have to dress for it.   :)

Hugs
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Newbie Looking for Support and Advice
« Reply #11 on: December 28, 2017, 07:25:36 AM »
Sampsed,

LISTEN TO THUNDER!

She is SO correct in all of that stuff.... the cake eating, the "We can be friends giving the OW/OM as little head space as possible.. (I mean, seriously, why allow someone like that to live in your head rent free?)
Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 10
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
No legal action to date

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline sampsedTopic starter

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Re: Newbie Looking for Support and Advice
« Reply #12 on: December 28, 2017, 07:28:53 AM »
Please don't allow him to have the best of two worlds.
It will never give him incentive to change, or miss you.  He'll have both of you.
He needs to know you are not an option, you are his wife....or you are nothing..no friend and I would tell your sister that.

What is the best way to do this?  I have already given him permission to have controlled visits.  Meaning he makes arrangements ahead of time with me.

I agree with what you are saying but I also spoke one thing and I need to handle this in an appropriate way so I don't look like I am wishy washy or going back on my word.  Yet I don't want to lie or deceive him as that is not my way.  In the past, I have handled things very straight forward and he accused me of be controlling because of this way of dealing.

My previous habits tell me to just tell him he left he can't come back but at the same time my heart says that him coming back is a way of getting to see the new me that I am slowly becoming.  The new and improved me.  Is giving an ultimatium the right way?   Tell him you can only come and see me when you are done with her?  I know that would make me feel better but is the right way of handling him in his current mindset?

Help please!
BD 10 29 2017  Moved out same day to be with OW
BY 1966
H BY 1966
Married 32 years
Together 34.5 year
D - 1989 Married with 2 children, living locally
S -  1991 Professional School living across Country  - Still relies on us for support

Offline FamilyIsMyGoal

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Re: Newbie Looking for Support and Advice
« Reply #13 on: December 28, 2017, 07:31:15 AM »
I agree with everything Thunder said!  I think you are doing fantastically.

One thing you said concerns me: "I am constantly looking for more I can work on.  I would love to ask H what else he thinks I should work on, but I worry that doing so would put undo pressure on him.  Thoughts?"

I would not ask H what you should work on.  That sounds extremely unhealthy for you.  And are you working enough on being kind to yourself?  You deserve to be treated well.  Do you get a mani-pedi on occasion? A massage? Treat yourself to a nice lunch with a girlfriend? You are already "good enough".  You don't have to jump through his hoops.  Decide for yourself what you want to improve and work on that, but be gentle and kind to yourself.  This situation can send our self esteem into the gutter, but that is an illusion that eventually we will come out of.


  I too have lost some weight (although gained a bit back over the holidays) and still need to lose around another 40 lbs.  One thing I've noticed for me is that I am no longer eating to stuff my feelings.  I ate a bit too much holiday goodies, but I don't have that urge to just massively overeat to numb myself.  It's different now.  Just wondering if you are experiencing something similar?

You are doing beautifully!  I live in upstate NY so I experience similar weather as you.  It is cold out now!  I want to walk again, but haven't yet figured out where I can handle it between the ice and the cold. 

Lots and Lots of (((((hugs)))) to you - you are doing great!
Divorce Bomb August 6, 2017
Married 19 years
Together 22 years
Physically separated - he's 15 miles away
Two Teenage boys
Me: 54
H 58
OW? I don't know - probably plural

Online Thunder

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Re: Newbie Looking for Support and Advice
« Reply #14 on: December 28, 2017, 08:31:53 AM »
Oh no samps, never give him ultimatums.  Just statements like "As long as you are living with ow, I won't be your friend."

Something like that, but no not giving him ultimatums. 

Maybe.."The more I think about it you are living with someone else now so it is disrespectful to us to keep seeing us both.  Maybe coming to the house is not a good idea"

Word it anyway you want.

I hope you get the point.  Just letting him know you won't be disrespected.  No more back and forth.
He made a choice so let him live with it.

He won't like it, may even get angry, but it's his consequence for moving in with ow and leaving you.
He doesn't get both of you.  He'll get over it.

I just wonder how his brother felt about him showing off the house, while living with a gf.

You can always talk to him or meet him on occasion but not at your home.  If he wants to talk tell him sure let's meet somewhere.
Then show up lookin' great and be friendly and kind.  Or if you want, ask him out for coffee, occasionally.

I know this sounds harsh but he needs some boundaries.  He has none right now.  He has a w and a gf, how great for him.

Samps, I know this is hard to do because part of you still wants to see him, but he needs to miss you also.
Just make statements you can live with. 
Only you know what they are.  Think about them.
I don't want to tell you what to do, these are just suggestions.

You will gain more strength as time goes on.  Take baby steps.
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline Rollercoasterider

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Re: Newbie Looking for Support and Advice
« Reply #15 on: December 28, 2017, 10:35:11 PM »
Sampsed,

I am so sorry to be unpopular and disagreeable with my amazing mentors, but given how early you are from Bomb Drop I do disagree with Thunder regarding visitations and boundaries--she mentioned baby steps and these are valid for changing visitation and setting boundaries also.

As of now your MLCer is displaying typical Clinging Boomerang behaviors--so don't mistake his actions for reconnecting or something like that.

I love Thunder's script suggestions, but I would save them for later use. Standing and doing what I am suggesting is a very delicate balancing act because there is going to be some allowed cake eating at this point and you don't want to send the message that you are okay with his actions and yet right now while he is still early in the tunnel and close to you it is a prime time for you to Pave the Way and start rebuilding the foundation that will be your Us.

One of your challenges is that you will eventually need to step back from this and as you said go back on your word--hopefully not literally as you need to be careful how you phrase things. But right now, in just my opinion, it is very important to re-establish a positive relationship with him and you do that through active communication. Yes, he should let you know if he is going to come over...though does this apply if you are at work? My husband would spend time in our home while I was at work--thinking I could not tell he'd been there and thus that I did not know. I felt he needed to maintain his connection with our house as home and secretly encouraged this behavior--later when his MLC progressed this was a privilege I removed.

Now my MLCer was not living with the alienator for the first 4 weeks after he left and so for that very brief time there was not the conflict of living with another woman that you now have, but after those 4 weeks my MLCer did live with her and continued to do so every time he left home throughout his MLC. My MLCer also did not move out for 6 weeks during which I was able to do a lot of the initial Paving the Way which you are now doing while he is living with someone else.

I appreciate that you are concerned for the alienator. The first time my husband left his alienator he was not going to tell her and I told him he needed to be a man and at least give her the respect of letting her know he was breaking up with her and told him to go to her work and do it. He vowed to never do that again though and so I had to just accept it after that when he left her by sneaking out. But at least I had my initial say and I think she knew that first time was because of me. As for worrying about her not knowing that he is coming to his house...she is choosing to be with a married man and that sort of worry comes with the territory. Let her lie in the bed she is making. Statistically affairs are doomed to end, don't try to help it succeed even in the tiniest way. And if it is because you are being noble and want him with her if that is what makes him happy... This is not the relationship that is going to be a joyful one for him in the long run. It is starting as an affair and that means problems. Wish for him to meet someone else when his relationship with you has truly had its closure and he is more right with his Self. Affairs are conflicted relationships with a lot of jealouse, break-ups and arguments--and one of the biggest topics of argument is that you exist. That's good, not bad.

I personally think it can be better from a Stander's view and goal when the MLCer and alienator are cohabiting. He's less likely to be looking for other alienators and is in deep with the conflict since they are living together.

You are very early in MLC and it can go in several directions. For now, I actually like what you are doing... supposing you will be able to step back from it when the time is right--and that is another challenge, when is it right. I stepped back and then forward again a bunch of times in testing and wondering, but it worked out in the end. I think you are right that with the changes you are making--and so quickly--what you are doing gives him the chance to see and experience your changes.

I like that you are in counseling and that you are so motivated in your Mirror Work. Keep it up! My love was hypnotherapy.

HUGS
RCR

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Newbie Looking for Support and Advice
« Reply #16 on: December 29, 2017, 12:26:18 AM »
Welcome to the club Samp, you'll get plenty of good advice here.

It is normal for the MLCers to visit us regularly.  My H visited the week after he left to have a spa bath ::)  I told him that he would not be doing this again, so the next week he came to iron a shirt :o  I told him again that while he was making very poor life choices, he would not be ironing his shirts at my home.

He eventually got the message.  Boundaries are for you.  If you find it difficult with him in the home, visit with him elsewhere.  If you starts talking about the OW and this bothers you, tell him you will not have her name mentioned in front of you.  This way you are protecting yourself from Hurt.

You're doing remarkably well for a newbie.  The mirror work is imperative, I did so much I thought I was gonna fall into that mirror ;D 

My H left after 18 months and he has been gone for three years now.  He is still deep in replay and has an OW who visits most nights of the week.  I have no doubt one day he will hit rock bottom.

You will get the hang of how to treat him over time, so take those baby steps, make mistakes and learn from them.

Most important is that you learn how to be happy by yourself and live your life as if he is never coming back, so that if he does, you are a whole an independent woman for him to get to know again.

(((((((Hugs)))))))
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8451.80 (Denjef's thread)

Offline 31andcounting

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Re: Newbie Looking for Support and Advice
« Reply #17 on: December 29, 2017, 06:31:12 AM »
Glad you found  us!   Sorry you needed to!

Congratulations on your weight loss and your vision of becoming healthier!!
That is the most important thing right now, become healthy for you!

(hugs)
31
Hurting people hurt people :(

Offline FearNot

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Re: Newbie Looking for Support and Advice
« Reply #18 on: December 29, 2017, 07:48:55 AM »
Hi Samsed,

I am new here also! I don't have any advice to really offer, as I'm just beginning my journey as well. Just sending <hugs> and thinking of you.
M 46
H 39
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline sampsedTopic starter

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Re: Newbie Looking for Support and Advice
« Reply #19 on: December 29, 2017, 12:40:06 PM »
Thank you everyone for the love, support and advice provided.

Today has been a good day.  We had a few texts last night while I was taking him Mom to see our grandson.  Today, nothing, but I am not surprised.  He is off today and probably has OW company.

For me it has actually been a very good day.  I made lists of things to do...got them done and then treated myself to a sushi lunch.  I didn't bother asking friends because none of mine like it so I went alone and I was surprised at myself.   I chose to sit facing the center of the restaurant so I could see everyone.   I didn't get nervous or panicky at all.  I was very much relaxed and confident and I enjoyed myself.   Was so afraid I would sit there alone feeling like a looser, but I didn't   It felt great!  It was empowering!  I will do it again.  My next goal to tackle is going to a movie by myself. 

Came home and should be cleaning right now but decided I have all night to putz around so I did some reading and checked in on the responses.

I realize that one day I will need to set boundaries and I am preparing myself for that.  Right now he is being respectful of "making an appointment" to come to the house.  Only time he disrespected this was bringing his brother up. Honestly, he told me he was coming, just the bro was a surprise and he explained he was running late because they stopped to visit a friend on the way here.   Not making excuses but we talked about it and he understands where I am coming from.

Not to be disrespectful to all the vets here and especially to RCR, but you see him as a clingy boomerang.   I don't see that and from your experiences, i wonder what you are seeing/feeling that I am not.  If he is clingy, is there something different I need to do or still follow the same protocol?

He comes over but this only started about 2 weeks ago.  When he is here, we only talk about general stuff.  Although he recently did start to make better eye contact and has been telling me about things he has been doing and people he has been seeing.  We have some mutual friendships and when he runs into them, he updates me on how they are doing.   He has a lot more time on his hands for social run ins than I do.  During our visits, I sense no neediness from him at all. Definatly nothing romantic at all.    He sits apart from me and we will watch TV or enjoy a meal together sometimes.   He has helped with some chores but only things that he knows requires additional help.  i.e.  winterizing the pool and carport, putting up and taking down the christmas decorations, prep work for Christmas meal.  I am already pretty self sufficient and i was prior to the BD.  That was another complaint.  He was not needed.  The kids were grown and they no longer needed him and I could take care of myself and I had my businesses so i didn't need him.  Also i didn't appreciate and respect him either.   Ugh.   I did love, appreciate and respect him, but I honestly did not say it as much as he needed to hear it.  I am the type of person who does NOT need kudos for doing something.  My own internal report is satisfaction of doing a job and finishing it  I will admit, it is a fault of mine to not recognize via thanks what others do.  Something I really need to work on.   This is not just in my personal life, but in my business also.   My long time employee knows this of me and she is the one that will tell me...make sure you say thank you to so and so for stepping up today or congrat so and so for a job well done.   Enough of me rambling....

Back to my original question....H's calls to me  almost daily but it seems like he does so out of an obligation.  Like he is obligated to check in with me to see how I am doing and if I need anything and to give a quick update.   Texts are few and far between and here again are informative only.  Occasionally we have a few fun blurbs back and forth but mostly just an exchange of info.  Visits for the last 2 weeks have been about 2 to 3 times and at least one of them there is other family present.   I feel like the visits are more out of boredom so he is not sitting alone at the OW's house while she is at work in the evening.  On days she is off, I feel like I don't exist to him.  No calls and no texts at all and sometimes this actually is a relief because it really gives me time to concentrate on me and me only.  I don't think to the call or visit and worry that I said or did anything to push him away.  This is something I really need to get over and I will with time and experience.  I never had to worry before what i said to him....why now....because my world was turned upside down in 30 seconds of time and now I know our relationship is not the same and I worry about not only what I say but also how I deliver it.   I don't want to destroy what precious bonds we may have left right now.   Would like to use them as the start of a new foundation!

Legal Info:  In the State of PA, until there is a divorce or a post nuptual contract in place, I can not prevent him from entering the house as long as he is NOT abusive.  Thus far I have not seen that.   

H is definatly not the strong man that used to be my rock and go to.  He was never a man who needed to rely on a woman like he is with the OW.   We always vowed to each other if we ever were not happy we would honestly split and live on our own for at a least a year.  This was to avoid the situation that H is currently in and to keep our own self respect.  We saw too many other people do what he is doing now and we both agreed it would never happen to us.   I was totally shocked when he moved in with the OW immediately.  His reasoning is that she provided unconditional love and appreciates and respects him and provides for him emotionally  that I did not and also she needs him.  He is paying $100 a week rent while staying there and she is in need financially and he can help her out right now.  Also he says he can't rent an apartment for $400 a month.  This is true...with expense it would be double but he can afford it.  He would just have to cut back on the gambling he has taken up recently.

Once again that for the support and feedback.   I am taking to heart everything that is being shared with me.   D
BD 10 29 2017  Moved out same day to be with OW
BY 1966
H BY 1966
Married 32 years
Together 34.5 year
D - 1989 Married with 2 children, living locally
S -  1991 Professional School living across Country  - Still relies on us for support


 

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