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Author Topic: My Story Newbie Looking for Support and Advice  (Read 1593 times)

Offline Rollercoasterider

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My Story Re: Newbie Looking for Support and Advice
« Reply #20 on: December 29, 2017, 03:43:45 PM »
Sampsed,

You are very early in this journey and so I am not saying that he is a Clinging Boomerang, only that right now he is behaving like one.
The first year sees a lot of ups and downs as an MLCer cycles and as the LBS and MLCer figure out the confusing dynamics of the new situation. His behavior is Clinging Boomerang due to his frequent visit schedule--even though that is new, it's so frequent and for random reasons that this is beyond a simple Boomerang who may be around more to see kids and is more neutral. Your MLCer does not need to be showing neediness--that may come later for a Clinging Boomerang. the two of you are able to communicate well--he talks to you and appears to be interested in being in your company even if he is being platonic. This may be how some Boomerangs are, but the further toward Distant you get on the Contact Spectrum, the more aloof they will be around you. I sense an eagerness in him that has to do with your presence. Sure he might just sit and watch TV and not seem to interact from your perspective and that is how it can be--especially so early in MLC.

Do what you are doing. I like that you are really focusing on you and yet not blocking him out when he is trying to engage--and this may not seem like he is engaging, but that is relative. For a normal (non-MLC) person these behaviors might not be attempts to engage, but for an MLCer he seems quite interested.

Offline Anjae

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Re: Newbie Looking for Support and Advice
« Reply #21 on: December 29, 2017, 04:07:28 PM »
Like RCR said, for now, your husband's behaviour are those of a Clinging Boomerang. His contact type change, or may not. Impossible to say at this point.

Mr J was the ultimate clinger after BD, and had keep being if I hadn't come back home and gradually cut him off. At a point, it become impossible for me to deal with his drama and clinginess. And anger.

But, even if he had been quite nasty at BD, he was always around. He would call, text, send e-mails, be on the flat. Bring things. And after I come back home, for a while, he would send me CDs and magazines.

He also did something similar to Savoir Faire's husband soon after he left. We went to cut his hair on his regular barber and, instead of heading to where he was living, come by the flat for a shower. I told him he was not going to do that again.

And he become very, very upset one early evening because I didn't let him watch me got dressed. He was like "I have seen you dressing for 20 years, why can't I see it now?" I told him now things were different. He was upset, but didn't leave and waited in the leaving room.

Mr J engaged a lot and was very interested in me, talking to me, see me (too much?) after BD and for months on end. If it was up to him, he would pretty much lead a life with me, while also leading a life with OW1 and then OW2.

He was always happy and willing to go out with me to social occasions, to come by the flat, etc. But I was not happy, nor able, do deal with his two lives. He could also become very angry, violent even, so, it was not good for me.

RCR is right, the more a LBS becomes contact distant with a Clinging Boomerang, the more aloof they become/be towards us.


Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline sampsedTopic starter

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Re: Newbie Looking for Support and Advice
« Reply #22 on: December 29, 2017, 05:57:42 PM »
Thank you....that makes much more sense to me now.  I appreciate you patience and extra explanations as I meander through everything and try to make sense of it all.

OMG...want to hear something funny....about when his visitations were starting, he came by and took a shower.  Never told me but when I got home, I noticed a towel had been moved, the shower floor was wet as the bath scrubby.  He had told me he was buy earlier in the day and put the dogs out for me so I didn't have to make a special trip home.

The same day, he returned here later and brought back some tools.   He had taken the tools out sometime to fix something (I am assuming for the OW) and brought the tools back and put them away in the tool room.  That was also the first night he actually stayed around after fixing something else.  Not long, but he didn't run right off either.


He also told me when he came up this past Tuesday that he got here early and laid in bed with the dogs to watch a tv show I had recorded and tried to take a nap.  I wasn't here so I didn't care.  Plus it is the only way to give all three dogs attention.  They can lay around you in the bed....they can't all sit on your lap in the lazy boy.  LOL

Thanks again everyone!   This site is finally making me feel like I am not alone.  My family is awesome, but they don't have time to research and understand more what he is going through and what we all (my entire family) is up against for sometime to come!   Appreciate everything!   D
BD 10 29 2017  Moved out same day to be with OW
BY 1966
H BY 1966
Married 32 years
Together 34.5 year
D - 1989 Married with 2 children, living locally
S -  1991 Professional School living across Country  - Still relies on us for support

Offline Anjae

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Re: Newbie Looking for Support and Advice
« Reply #23 on: December 29, 2017, 06:26:45 PM »
Families and friends, unless they have already dealt with MLC before, don't understand much of what is going on.

Like minded people like LBS do.

Clingers do the most bizarre things.

Kikki's one used to cook food and either deliver it in person or leave it by the doorstep. He was already living with OW, but keep doing it.

At a point, because legal things needed to get sorted out, Kikki also cut a bit, if not a lot, of contact with her husband. But he was super glue clinger.

Needless to say, when contact was more cut, he become more aloof.

However, endless years of dealing with a clinger will be too much. Like RCR said, at a point you will need to step back from this. Unless, of course, your husband comes out of crisis before you need to give that step.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Online moc

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Re: Newbie Looking for Support and Advice
« Reply #24 on: December 29, 2017, 09:30:26 PM »
sampsed: 

Back to my original question....H's calls to me  almost daily but it seems like he does so out of an obligation.  Like he is obligated to check in with me to see how I am doing and if I need anything and to give a quick update.   Texts are few and far between and here again are informative only.  Occasionally we have a few fun blurbs back and forth but mostly just an exchange of info.  Visits for the last 2 weeks have been about 2 to 3 times and at least one of them there is other family present.   I feel like the visits are more out of boredom so he is not sitting alone at the OW's house while she is at work in the evening.  On days she is off, I feel like I don't exist to him.  No calls and no texts at all and sometimes this actually is a relief because it really gives me time to concentrate on me and me only.

This is totally clinging boomerang and this is what my Crisis Queen wife does.  I don't engage her and she sends me texts or calls to check in.  Its like their squirrel brain can't handle the silence between their ears.  They kind of do feel obligated more like the child on the playground that checks in with the parent to make sure they are still there.  You are about at the same time as my BD.  Boredom is probably most of it at best.  When my Crisis Queen calls, it is typically during lunch or just after.  I pretty much NEVER engage her with calls or texts.  That is her job.  I only do so for information or emergency purposes.  Do the same.  Go NC for yourself, not to change your H.  Enjoy the peace that it brings as I agree, it is a relief of the stress to engage and concentrate on you and what you want and need that only you can provide. 

Take care girl.
~ avoiding the Damn Foolish Idealistic Narcissistic Crusade ~ MLC

~ MLCers: one fruitcake short of a Christmas

Offline sampsedTopic starter

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Re: Newbie Looking for Support and Advice
« Reply #25 on: December 30, 2017, 11:42:29 AM »
How often should I post here?  Right now I feel like this is a great release for me just to type something.

Originally H was supposed to come over today to help put away Christmas decorations.   For some reason the plans changed and what is frustrating as he didn't want to address it with me.  Be a man and say...hey...I won't be over today.  I don't need an explanation.   Just a straight forward can't make it.   Ugh.   Anyhow....he volunteered to help dismantle the decorations and put away tomorrow.  I declined.   Although it will be tough, I am getting it done today. 

Tomorrow he is planning on meeting our daughter here for Football so that will be a half day event.  Monday I have family from both sides coming over between for lunch and supper.

I want my house back in order today.  Don't want to take time away from family tomorrow to do it.

I responded to him that I hope he doesn't get upset, but I would be getting it done today as planned.  No response.  This is typical  When he doesn't want to address something, he just doesn't answer back via text.  If you are talking to him.   He goes silent.

Soon after he called regarding our gas points.  We had 70 cents per gallon to be used today.  I didn't need a full tank and neither did he.  We met and both topped off our tanks to take full advantage of the discount.  He paid for the gas in full and I offered to reimburse him my share and he declined.  When leaving, he said I will see you tomorrow and off to his car he went.  Just like it was a business transaction.  Since we were in public, I never expected anything less.  He only gives hugs when we are in private.  aka at the house and never with anyone else around.   This probably needs to stop.  Opinions?   If he can't give a friendly hug anytime or anywhere, then it probably shouldn't happen privately either.

Right now he is responding to my pictures I posted of the family going back 8 years.  It was a photo collage of our kids and dogs but it also had pics of us and our activities at our mountain cabin.  I included a statement that stated good times at the cabin.  He responded via text saying Yes, I agree.  Good times.  Amazing because he told my therapist that he has been miserable with me for the last 15 years.  Ugh!

I also posted a pic of the backyard trees with todays snowfall on them in snapchat.  He was chatting about how pretty they but he likes them best in the spring.  Spring has always been his favorite season.

Lastly, I had to send him pics of our mailbox that the local plow truck took out today.   He told me it would be easy to replace and suggested a new one instead of trying to repair the door of this one.   I asked him if he wanted to help me pick out a replacement.   Crickets!   No a word about it at all.   I was hoping that tomorrow when he was here he could help go online and find a suitable replacement.   Not a biggie.  I will just find one that I like and I can replace it myself since it is only a few screws through the bottom into the post holding it.  I don't like the one we have now anyhow.   So now I get one that I like!

Is it sad that none of his actions today really brought about an emotional reaction?   I was not expecting him to show.  It would have been nice to have help but I am not surprised that he didn't show either.  I was surprised that he chose to respond to the pics but that emotional over it.   I am happy he recognized we did have good times.  However, I also realize that in 10 minutes he could be thinking just the opposite again.   Never had any good times.

Right now I only hope and pray that he continues he journey and deals with he demons and heals as quickly as possible.  Would love to see him happy again!  I know I can't help him but I need to make sure I don't interfere with his quest either.  That is my biggest fear right now.  I do something that causes a pause or regression in his journey.

Time will tell!   I'll just keep tackling life one day at a time!   D

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out same day to be with OW
BY 1966
H BY 1966
Married 32 years
Together 34.5 year
D - 1989 Married with 2 children, living locally
S -  1991 Professional School living across Country  - Still relies on us for support

Offline Anjae

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Re: Newbie Looking for Support and Advice
« Reply #26 on: December 30, 2017, 11:47:11 AM »
How often should I post here?  Right now I feel like this is a great release for me just to type something.

Whenever you want and when feel likfe it.


Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Online OldPilot

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Re: Newbie Looking for Support and Advice
« Reply #27 on: December 30, 2017, 01:28:26 PM »
How often should I post here?  Right now I feel like this is a great release for me just to type something.

Whenever you want and when feel likfe it.

Also when ever you are not sure what to do or want to pursue him,
Post here.

Online moc

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Re: Newbie Looking for Support and Advice
« Reply #28 on: December 30, 2017, 05:07:03 PM »
sampsed: I agree with Anjae and OldPilot, feel free anytime, daily, etc. that you want to journal your experience.  We are all here for you.  I might be about the same BD time as you but I have already been here before with a previous MLCer1. 

I want to give some advice, take it as you will

Be a man and say...hey...I won't be over today.  I don't need an explanation.   Just a straight forward can't make it.   Ugh.   Anyhow....he volunteered to help dismantle the decorations and put away tomorrow.  I declined.   Although it will be tough, I am getting it done today.

Ah, please don't expect him to  MAN UP.  He is chooses not to.  Not that he is incapable, but it is making his squirrel brain run.  I say for you, go NC as much as possible.  Let him pursue you.  Turn your emotional back on him and let it run off as it it does not affect you.  Remember ACT AS IF.


I responded to him that I hope he doesn't get upset, but I would be getting it done today as planned.  No response.  This is typical  When he doesn't want to address something, he just doesn't answer back via text.  If you are talking to him.   He goes silent.

Please don't ask him about any feelings.  He cannot access them right now.  Don't expect anything.  Expect nothing from the MLCer.  Stand on your own and take charge.  It is your house, own it!  They cannot process well in their fog brain.


Just like it was a business transaction.

Because for him, it is easier to keep the feelings buried so it is a business transaction.  Just say thank you and move along since he paid for the gas.  Take what you can from him with no expectations.  Not easy I know.


Is it sad that none of his actions today really brought about an emotional reaction?

Sad yes.  Be once again he cannot access those emotions right now that are buried in his fog.  He is doing things right now out of guilt. 


Right now I only hope and pray that he continues he journey and deals with he demons and heals as quickly as possible.  Would love to see him happy again!  I know I can't help him but I need to make sure I don't interfere with his quest either.  That is my biggest fear right now.  I do something that causes a pause or regression in his journey.

I think we as LBS all hope that our MLCers don't stop in the tunnel and deal with their issues.  You might hear some clarity every now and then to how they are not sure on the path they have chosen.  I heard this from my MLCer Crisis Queen one day saying she did not know how she got US into this mess.  Just listen, and keep that mantra going of: "I am sorry you feel that way".  Sure we all want to see our MLCers happy, and yes THEY must do the work to find the happiness within themselves.  No, you can't help him as much as you would like to.  When you are not sure what to do, do nothing or come here and post.  Most of the time, just live your life for you.  He is living his life for him and let him firetruck it up.  Keep your head up and stay strong.

~ avoiding the Damn Foolish Idealistic Narcissistic Crusade ~ MLC

~ MLCers: one fruitcake short of a Christmas

Offline Schratz66

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Re: Newbie Looking for Support and Advice
« Reply #29 on: December 31, 2017, 06:35:24 AM »
Hey Sampsed,
Welcome to this amazing place. For a Newbie you are in such an amazing place. My first months I was a total basket case in shock and denial and utter despair.
It’s kind of funny that your H complained you didn’t cook enough but now keeps coming over for left overs.

Does his family know that he left you? Just wondering as he entertains them at your house.
I’m not sure I would be comfortable with him using my house as his entertainment pad.
He made his choice, so if he wants people over, he can have them over at his new residence with OW.

And please don’t fall for the line that he is living with OW because it helps her financially.
Obviously she was fine before he came along.

Please, please, please do not ask him what else you can change about you. You need to change for you - to make you a happier person. Do not change for him.

Post here as often as you want to. Texts I wanted to send to my H i posted here instead.
This place was and still is my lifeline.



Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away


 

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