Author Topic: My Story Newbie Looking for Support and Advice  (Read 1439 times)

Online sampsedTopic starter

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My Story Re: Newbie Looking for Support and Advice
« Reply #70 on: January 12, 2018, 12:08:37 PM »
I tried to call him...he didn't answer so i sent the following texts along with his responses:

Me:  I was just told you were in Missouri this past week.  Let me say it is your life but what you do still affect me so pleae keep me in the loop of your major changes.  I need you to be upfront with me.  I am the one person in the world who loves you unconditionally and always will.  You can tell me anything anytime and I will not be judgemental.  Honestly, I don't like the separation and i believe the affair you are in is disrespectful to all three of us.  Yes....I said all 3 of us  That does not mean that think any less of you s the man I have loved for the 34 plus year.  The man I proudly call MY husband and MY best friend.  Now...

Did you go for vacation or was this fact finding and job hunting because you are preparing to move.  If you are preparing to move...we really need to settle things with an attorney.  It is an agreement separating assets and assigning responsibilities.  I really appreciate you not filing for divorce a I can not afford health insurance.  This just provs how wonderful of a man and a husband you are.  Another reason why my love for you is unconditional.   Please let me know how we should proceed.  I appreciate it.

i would prefer to talk in person.  Let me know when and where.  Love Always.....me

H:  We will talk more in person and text
Fact finding

Me:Ok  Thank you.  You are right.  We need to talk and settle things.   i love you and I will let you go as long as you know 100% in your heart and mind that this is the thing that will make you happy.    Doesn't mean I will love you any less.  I want you to be happy and if this makes you happ for now then so be it.  If you love something set it free.....you know the rest.  (and not the one about hunting it down and killing it)

Just know that statistically extramarital affairs are prone to fail.  I am your best friend talking.  Not a scorned woman like you may think.    It would be easy to be angry and nasty.  It is hard to forgive and love you thru this but it is for the better.   I will be the one to help you and support you anytime you ever need help.  I won't ever turn my back on you.  Ever.  I will always be you first real love and we gave each other 34 plus years of great memories.  Always remember the good.

Hoping to stay your bestie in the future!    Me


Please know that I was trying to avoid the legal issues but we are complicated.  Several homes and i have a business so sadly it needs to be addressed especially if he is moving many states away and in an unknown time frame.

I am not giving up my stand and I hope it doesn't sound like that and I hope I didn't say too much wrong to come across as being begging and pleading type of convo.   I said what was in my heart and I wanted him to know I don't like this but I am being supportive of him finding himself and his way.

I will continue to plant seeds and i will continue to allow him to determine how and when we will communicate.   I don't think this will have an immediate bearing on anything since the home is not yet sold and moving is not imminent.   I hope it is something he will bear in mind when the affair starts to fade and he is in need of a friend.   I do want to be the one he can rely on in the future.  This the foundation I am hoping will help to mend the fences of our marriage in the future if we have the opportunity.


Would love to hear feedback  and advice.  Right now I need to go for a walk and get all my anxiety out of my system so I can have a good night!

Thanks everyone for listening to me when things went sideways today!   
BD 10 29 2017  Moved out same day to be with OW
BY 1966
H BY 1966
Married 32 years
Together 34.5 year
D - 1989 Married with 2 children, living locally
S -  1991 Professional School living across Country  - Still relies on us for support

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: Newbie Looking for Support and Advice
« Reply #71 on: January 12, 2018, 12:33:57 PM »
Please don't take this wrong, we all do it at some point in the beginning but you got to hear this...

From now on stop saying you love him and all that.

You told him about 6 times that you are still on the leash. He can do whatever he wants and you are going to be sitting right where he left you.

Try and keep any further discussion polite, casual, but unemotional.

Second you just fed him insults to hit you with later ''I will not be judgemental'', ''you don't think less of him as a man'', ''capitals MY = possession'', ''you said it was okay as long as it made me happy'', ''not a scorned woman''. Those can easily be turned back and flung at you during a monster fit.

''This proves how wonderful of a man and husband you are'' ...while he is having an affair and secretly moving?! He knows that statement isn't true..so it makes you look like you are faking it (lying) or in denial.

Please understand I am not saying this to upset you, I am really trying to help. But all those text told him is that even though he has snuck off, is secretly moving away, he is treating you with disrespect....that you are still basically begging him to stay in your life and you are right where he left you.

This is when it gets hard. Letting them know the door is cracked, but stop showering them with love.

A lot of advice says that we can't shorten a crisis, but we can delay it. They need to feel change...they need to feel uncomfortable...they need to feel the loss of control..or they will just keep doing what they want.

Online sampsedTopic starter

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Re: Newbie Looking for Support and Advice
« Reply #72 on: January 12, 2018, 02:34:25 PM »
thank you.....I appreciate your feedback and I am not offended.    i responded out of emotion instead of sitting back and taking it all in.  I failed and I can now see where I failed.  I reacted out of emotion for sure and did it while I was basically in a melt down.   I boogered things up pretty bad didn't i?????

This weekend  I am working on the legal stuff and gonna try to wrap my head around it.   He told me he would call me tomorrow morning so I need to get my self together between now and then.  We won't talk about anything but general stuff tomorrow.   The weather, his day at work, etc.  He will be working and I won't talk about R especially while he is on the road.   Not that it would upset him, but I don't think talking at work is the right place to do things.

Thanks again for your feedback and honesty.   I am still so new and learning.  It means a lot!  I am very open minded and trying to get a grasp on all of this.  It is not easy at all!   

Keep it coming please....I will not be offended by anything anyone has to say.  I am just trying to take it all in and learn from my mistakes for the next time.   I thought I was doing grand until today.    I lost it!   

Please keep the advice and feedback coming so I can keep improving!   d
« Last Edit: January 12, 2018, 02:43:26 PM by sampsed »
BD 10 29 2017  Moved out same day to be with OW
BY 1966
H BY 1966
Married 32 years
Together 34.5 year
D - 1989 Married with 2 children, living locally
S -  1991 Professional School living across Country  - Still relies on us for support

Online Treasur

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Re: Newbie Looking for Support and Advice
« Reply #73 on: January 12, 2018, 11:19:09 PM »
Sampsed...first of all, we've all done this, a moment when emotion takes over and we react or prod our MLC spouse. Some if it is probably the mindf**kery of dealing with a (not) spouse but still thinking of them as they were. The good news is that while they are in Replay, nothing we say (or text) makes a big difference to them...like one of those cartoons of someone talking to their dog and an empty speech bubble for what the dog hears! And I know you were trying to 'pave the way' and translate RCR's advice, and you are so new to this. So, it's done, don't beat yourself up, let it go....and learn from it.

I read your post but felt nervous about responding because I felt uncomfortable and didn't want to say the 'wrong' thing...but Morte, god bless her, is absolutely right. One of the simplest 'signs' when we are not yet detached is the disparity between lots of words from us and very few from them. That is what pursuer looks like - I know because I did it too! (probably why I felt uncomfortable) This version of your H is not your 'bestie'...you can be polite and 'friendly' in your interactions but he is not your friend right now. He is someone who is making choices for himself that will create financial and emotional chaos for you...so your point about 'keeping me in the loop' and 'needing to settle things with an attorney' is the tone you need, keep the rest in your head and heart but don't say it to him.

His response suggests 2 things to me (other than he's an MLC idiot planning to relocate and burn his life after an A of a few months  ::))...'fact finding' means he is planning to move and his 'text/talk' response is that he expects to control that communication and it will be more of a statement than a discussion probably.

So, your job now is to take your control back...over you, and over the things that matter. I found the only way to do that was to build a big 'calm the f**k down and think' space of time....3 hours, 3 days etc...and for me to choose when/if/how I would respond to him wanting to talk. So, because he says he will call you tomorrow morning...you are anxious and busting your bits on legal stuff...but he might not call (they lie and change their mind) and if he does, you don't have to say or do or talk about anything you're not ready to! Build in buffers...if he calls, hear him out but commit to nothing, say "I'll take some time to think about that" etc. And DO NOT talk R at all...he's running off to Missouri with an ow, there is no R to talk about now, just legal and practical stuff.

And are you looking at that kind of stuff for YOUR needs/interests or doing it thinking about BOTH of you, so accidentally tidying his bit of the mess too? Detachment is truly hard after a long M and you're still in shock...I found that I had to train my brain to go from WE to ME and HIM, and that started with detaching practically before I got even close to detaching emotionally.

Your MLC H will screw you over, blame you and make you dig your own financial grave if you let him. He isn't the man you knew and he will not keep his promises probably or priorities your interests. So, you have to prioritise your own significantly more than you think about his, if that makes sense.

Have you taken L advice? And are you following it? I think D is not currently on the table, more a legal separation? Respect your H enough to see it is his crisis, his mess and his monkeys. Respect yourself enough to see that you can't help him, he doesn't want your support but you are collateral damage and you need to help yourself. Give him less of yourself so you can give yourself more.

Please don't beat yourself up though...truly we all fall over as we learn this...and it is hard, really hard. It is possible to treat an MLC spouse with calm grace...and to love them silently...but only with some detachment. It took me about 18 months...and a series of WTF MLC horrors...to get there. What a slow learner, right!  ::)
« Last Edit: January 12, 2018, 11:22:59 PM by Treasur »
BD - Oct 15, mostly silent vanishing husband, diagnosed with severe depression in Dec 15 & seeing psychiatrist/on ADs since then
OW since Apr 16, maybe earlier?
H filed Jan 17.
80/20 strategy for me in 2018

"her soul is fierce, her heart is brave, her mind is strong." R.H Sin
Grace is...Elegance, good will, unearned blessings, a prayer of thanks and how to address a duchess.
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Rollercoasterider

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Re: Newbie Looking for Support and Advice
« Reply #74 on: January 12, 2018, 11:25:38 PM »
You did not I boogered things up at all. What you did was normal and nothing to worry about. If you were to keep doing it with every conversation, that would be different.
It is so common for an LBS to do something that they think will mess things up totally--what comes to mind is an all-out screaming vent at their MLCer--maybe it is more likely with Clinging Boomerangs, but often the MLCer doesn't even recall the argument (or at least the emotions) within a day or so.
You are going to mess up plenty of times, but likely not in a big way. The STanding Actions are a lab experiment that work differently with each MLCer and you need to try things out and gauge the reaction/response within your own situation.

I did notice a few things in that text.
First Mortesbride is right. I felt I could sense a light tone of reassurance with your I love you's but she is right that there were too many and an MLCer will not interpret such things as I will. I also thought you got the message that you love him in other ways that felt more pushy ex. Doesn't mean I will love you any less. Though it was good that you made light of the set something free cliche.

Telling him or even asking him to keep you in the loop is going to smack of butting into his life which he may interpret as control or just as an obstacle to his goals or just an invasion of privacy, so avoid doing that. If he had been keeping you in the loop and you praised or thanked him for it, that would be more covert.

...i believe the affair you are in is disrespectful
In my previous post I mentioned we know type of statements. This is in contrast to saying I [ithink[/i] or I believe. By saying that you believe the affair is disrespectful, you are not actually making an irrefutable hard factual statement that it is
disrespectful, you are merely offering you personal opinion. Let's face it, you already know that he knows he is being disrespectful, os it's not even a stretch to make the statement that he knows this.  But you can make you/we both know statements for things that are less clear as well--they work like a form of hypnosis because they may slip past the MLCers detectors and into their subconscious where they are seeds that grow.

Complete agreement with Mortesbride regarding the wonderful man statement. That was just laying it on too thick. Though he may be a wonderful man, he is not presently being a wonderful man and as Mortesbride said, he knows that. I've read your posts here and don't think you are in denial at all, saying that sort of thing may certainly make you seem like you are in denial, willing to do anything (rather than what it takes) including lay down on the doormat to get him to come home. I know that is not you, but how we say what we say is very important.

What I really felt was that this was just too much at once--or in a series. Say some of these things over time and when you try to build him up, do it in a way that is honest. I believe in you stands on its own as a statement, you can weaken it with specifics--and how you did it was not honest since he's not being wonderful. Don't tell him things like you trust his judgment or that you will let him go if he's certain this will make him happy. Letting Go is the next stage of release after detachment; you need to let-go and that does not mean you are changing your mind about what he's doing being wrong or what you want or about Standing.
 It often becomes an agree to disagree sort of thing--even when you don't agree to it...you at least accept that you each are in different places regarding what you think needs to be done.

Statistically affairs are know to fail
Tru, but people in in-fatuation think they are going to be the exception--and since exceptions exist, they may be right and can convince themselves. Keep it to I/you/We both know type of statements. Citing stats actually feels more desperate than really knowing yourself and so it reveals your personal agenda.

This really is a tightrope act. Be supportive of him by believing in him--and often you will show this through actions without saying it. You are not being supportive when what you are really doing is supporting the infidelity--though you package it by saying you support his choices. Do you really? Being there for someone when they need you does not have to mean you are being supportive of the stupid things they are doing. Support the person, the individual, that core person within.
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Online Treasur

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Re: Newbie Looking for Support and Advice
« Reply #75 on: January 12, 2018, 11:38:29 PM »
One of the things that (slowly) occurred to me as I stumbled along, about the difference between loving the person and hating their behaviour, was about Respect.

My H has/had the right to make choices for himself, which includes the right to completely destroy his own life and make really rubbish choices...respecting him is about me stepping back enough to let him carry his own consequences, and learn from them. Or not. I might be 'right' about my opinion of what he should do; I might not...but respect is seeing that it isn't my opinion that counts most. It's hard to respect someone who looks like a self-destructive idiot and who doesn't show you respect...but it is a gift of detachment too.

Respecting me though is also about carrying my own monkeys, taking responsibility for my own actions and consequences...blaming my H for some things he has done to damage me or steal or lie, sure, but not for how I feel about it or what I do about it.
BD - Oct 15, mostly silent vanishing husband, diagnosed with severe depression in Dec 15 & seeing psychiatrist/on ADs since then
OW since Apr 16, maybe earlier?
H filed Jan 17.
80/20 strategy for me in 2018

"her soul is fierce, her heart is brave, her mind is strong." R.H Sin
Grace is...Elegance, good will, unearned blessings, a prayer of thanks and how to address a duchess.
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online FaithWalker

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Re: Newbie Looking for Support and Advice
« Reply #76 on: January 12, 2018, 11:46:42 PM »
Hello sampsed...Treasur, MB and RCR are giving you some great advice!

I just wanted to encourage you.  My MLCer moved several States away for a girl and it literally lasted 1 month.  Things fell apart pretty quickly and he moved back here again as fast as he possibly could.

M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9711.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Online Treasur

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Re: Newbie Looking for Support and Advice
« Reply #77 on: January 13, 2018, 12:14:14 AM »
And, of course, the 'believe nothing they say and only 50% of what they do' principle....the gap between MLC cup and lip is a big one.
BD - Oct 15, mostly silent vanishing husband, diagnosed with severe depression in Dec 15 & seeing psychiatrist/on ADs since then
OW since Apr 16, maybe earlier?
H filed Jan 17.
80/20 strategy for me in 2018

"her soul is fierce, her heart is brave, her mind is strong." R.H Sin
Grace is...Elegance, good will, unearned blessings, a prayer of thanks and how to address a duchess.
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online sampsedTopic starter

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Re: Newbie Looking for Support and Advice
« Reply #78 on: January 13, 2018, 11:54:38 AM »
Thank you everyone.  I am taking everything to heart and I try to read and re read several times for things to settle into my crazy brain right now.   I take no offense to anything said.  I felt it was all out of care and concern....again....thank you for all of it.

Today so far has been 3 phonecalls and a text.  1st one was 42 minutes early this am.   We were talking about weather, his trip today, D's pregnancy and tests she is going for etc.   Suddenly in the middle of me telling him how bad the wind was blowing the snow off the roof, he says.....I wanted and should have told you about Missouri but I didn't want you to worry and I know you would have worried.   I responded calmly by saying...I don't think we should talk about this while you are driving.  He said it won't upset me.   I then said, we have to assume the worse...you are moving and we need to get things settled with an attorney.  He then said (my name)  I don't know what I am doing yet.  I am being honest with you.  I really don't know.   I told your sister stuff yesterday because she was bugging me....so I just told her all kinds of stuff to let me alone.       In my mind.....all I could think was your lips are moving so you are lying.   I allowed him to finish and then told him to ignore my sister.  He can block her if he doesn't want to talk/text her.    Per my sister...he starts half the conversations.   She blocked him on her phone yesterday too.    Those 2 tend to put more stress on me than everyone else combined.   My sister has promised no more conversations with him at all.   After this we continued to talk until his first stop.   At the end of the convo....he almost said Love you when he was getting ready to hand up.   He didn't so I told him to have a good day and he said he would try to call on his way home.

Surprisingly, he called again....this time we talked for 39 minutes while he was between stores.   Just general stuff.

On his way home he called again.  This one was due to someone we both knew locally passing away.   He thought I knew about it already and wanted to know if I knew what had happened and when services were.  I didn't.  I hadn't been on the computer all morning to get any news.  Our grandson was here so he got to talk to him a few mins.  I also shared some pics of him while he was here with my D's permission.   Once again when ending the call, he seemed to almost say love you but stopped himself.  I told him to have a good day and he responded...as soon as I get my schedule for tomorrow I text you.  I said ok.

He said something today and this is the 3rd time he has said it and it is not normal for him to say it.   In response to something he said   It is what it is......almost like....I can't do anything about it so whatever.   He said this today pertaining to D being upset with not calling and checking in last week to see grandson.   A week or 2 ago he said it in regards to us being separated.   He said   it is what it is.   I don't recall what the 1st time was about.   He was never one to just accept status quo if he felt passionate about something. It almost felt when he said it today that he was giving up on the relationship with D.   When he said it in regards to the separation, it was almost like he didn't care about us being separated and there was nothing he could do about it.    I know it may be none of that....that was just my gut feeling and I kept those feelings to myself.  Just making note now of when that statement happens, he tone (which was very flat) and what it was in regards too.

Two hours later...he shared his schedule via text. When he does this, I thank him and then share my schedule for the following day with him too.   This is about 7 hours earlier than he normally shares.  Typically he waits until the end of the night to share if he shares it at all.  Almost feels like he is waiting for me to ask for it. 

Today he seemed diifferent.  Almost the old H.  Convos were smooth and natural and flowed.  He actually showed concern and asked questions about me and D and Grandson and d'S pregnancy issues.   He told me they are texting because D currently has a problem with him.  I told him....at least you are texting and working on it and let it go at that.  This is where he dropped the line....it is what it is.

Scares me because I know this is only temporary.  Today I felt like there was an ulterior motive to it and that motive was to get me to let my guard down.   I am not.   I have put up a temporary wall around myself right now until I can get myself more detached from everything.   

Yesterday realization really hit home and I know what I have to do now.  It is almost providing closure because I know what has to be done now.  I need to prepare myself for him moving out of State and I need to push forward with the legal issues even though I was trying to let them on the back burner and wait and not bring them up to him.  Should he up and move, I need to have POA's  and assignment of collateral in place so I can continue to take care of the finances.  Due to almost everything being joint, i am still taking care of all the bills so I know they are paid.   I have put holds on the credit card accounts for right now.   I can not change the locks to the house yet and I can not remove his name from the joint accounts but we have auto deposit so I move all the money to another account as soon as it desposited and I am paying bills from the 2nd account now.  He doesn't have a check book and there are no debit cards for our joint accounts.   As for my business accounts....they require 2 signatures for everything and I have all the checks and they are kept in the safe at my office.   So I am fairly confident in the money situation for now.   He may be spending all his money, but he has not touched any of our money set aside for bills and I have been squirrling cash away in my parents safe in case there is ever an issue and I need money fast. 

I find it very funny that a man who is planning on quiting his job and moving in the future is not putting any money back for the move.  Additionally, he wants another vehicle and needs a downpayment and he is not putting money away from that right now either.   He used to be really good at squirrling money away for things he wanted to do.  It was nothing for him to save $1000 a month to have a nest egg or for a purchase.   When our son moved x country he gave them $4000 to help with their expense and purchase of furniture there.   Not so right now.  I know this because his account he uses is also joint with my name first so his monthly statement comes to me and at the end of each month he only ever has about $200 in his savings account.  What he puts in it each week, he moves it back to his checking and spends it....most of the time it appears to go to gambling since the withdrawls are all made at the places with the slot machines are located.   Maybe he will hit it big one of these days.   LOL 

As for me...I have my wits about me today.  I have my brain working again vs my emotions and I feel much much better at tackling things.  I learned a valuable lesson yesterday.  Don't act on emotions   Wait....wait a day or 2 or 3 and then respond instead of reacting.   Write it...read it...edit it....submit here for review and corrections from those with experience.    I reacted and I am learning from it.   I will get this down eventually.  Hopefully sooner than later!   

Take care everyone.  I have a busy afternoon planned.  I gotta do some on line price comparison for some home improvements I want to do plus get a mail box to replace MY damaged one.   I have 5 episodes of knightfall to watch on this cold snowy day and I want to get a walk in sometime before the sun goes down.    Check in with you all tomorrow!    8)

Thanks for all your feedback!  Love it!    D
BD 10 29 2017  Moved out same day to be with OW
BY 1966
H BY 1966
Married 32 years
Together 34.5 year
D - 1989 Married with 2 children, living locally
S -  1991 Professional School living across Country  - Still relies on us for support

Online Treasur

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Re: Newbie Looking for Support and Advice
« Reply #79 on: January 13, 2018, 12:55:53 PM »
Sam...look at that for a comeback  :)  your head is showing you all the sensible things to do and you're doing them.

It is what it is...for me has been a phrase to drag myself into acceptance of what I can't change or control, a healthy tough thing. Reading it as you described how your H said it...and you know him best and his tone of voice...it doesn't sound as if he was trying to manipulate or play you. It sounds the voice of depression, as if he can do nothing but endure how things/he is right now, as if he feels like a helpless victim of something. It isn't the voice of a man in love skipping off happily into a Missouri sunset.

You must trust your own instincts - and 100% still look after your own interests financially - but my gut says to go slow on the assumptions you're making or the plans you think he's making. Ease back, try to not be part of the pressure, go slow and as still as you can. He has no plan, just a compulsion to run and hide I suspect.
BD - Oct 15, mostly silent vanishing husband, diagnosed with severe depression in Dec 15 & seeing psychiatrist/on ADs since then
OW since Apr 16, maybe earlier?
H filed Jan 17.
80/20 strategy for me in 2018

"her soul is fierce, her heart is brave, her mind is strong." R.H Sin
Grace is...Elegance, good will, unearned blessings, a prayer of thanks and how to address a duchess.
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg


 

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