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Author Topic: My Story Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces  (Read 1895 times)

Offline Mary A

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My Story Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #20 on: January 04, 2018, 04:33:07 PM »
Happy New Year, MD!
M: 43
H 49
T : 26
BD: April, 2016
EA: discovered March,27, 2017. Lasted for about 6 months.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #21 on: January 05, 2018, 05:24:37 AM »
Thank you ladies :)

We have been blasted by the bitter cold and got a "snow day" today. Most people are grumbling. While I don't like the bitter cold, I said to several people yesterday that I was not terribly upset about it. Shock came over some of their faces. I explained I was going to simply embrace it as if it was a vacation day - a true vacation day. The type of day where if I want to stay in bed all day, guilt free, I will. I might read or watch movies, or dance around my house. I don't know what my day will bring.

I do know that, I have shelter, I have food and I have water.

S had gone to take GF home and I made him stay there because the roads were bad. He is safe. D is fast asleep in her warm bed. My parents are home and have a generator. My sister called and they too are tucked in. So, aside from some horrible emergency, that God forbid could happen, I have little to worry about aside from the dog wanting to go out and play today. She loves the snow and cold.

I am just going to embrace the day for what it is. In fact, yesterday that was part of the conversation I had with my coworker. He was pissing and moaning about the snow and I told him my plan and my own mental shift in the matter. He stopped and said I was right. He texted last night after they announced the closings he was going to embrace having the day with his S, who has this weekend. So this morning he texted and thanked me for the attitude adjustment. His little one just crawled into bed with him and he wanted a book read to him :)

Now, I won't lie. I am not looking forward to going out in the bitter cold. It impedes my walks and if this weather prevents my walks for too long I may crawl the walls. But for today, I am going to convince myself that it is what I need.

As for the question about when my coworker and I are going out - we have been trying to figure that out. I am not backing out of it, but I am not in a rush to force it into some time slot. When I go, I plan on actually enjoying this meal.

In all honesty, I am also waiting until my friend moves. She leaves shortly and if time and the weather cooperate, I would like to spend time with her. Restaurantgate will be on the back burner until then. :)

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #22 on: January 05, 2018, 08:30:03 AM »
I don't look for conflict, nor do I like it. In the past, I was the peacekeeper quite often. During MLC I went the other way a bit and was rather feisty.

In college I had a bit of fight in me when necessary. I think there is a balance.

The funny thing is people don't always like that I have learned to say no or I actually push back a bit.

I got an email from the organization I do community classes for. They applied for a grant (the one I used to administer, so I am pretty familiar with it ::)). Now, on the one hand, I am grateful for the grant and know how much work it takes to apply for it, but a heads up that I was being included would have been a good start in my book.

All of these things are fine and did not create the conflict and my desire to push back just a wee bit.

The pushback came when the person who applied for the grant contacted me to let me know that she is in a bit of a bind and needs my resume, etc ASAP. Of course she does. I know with that grant that they would have wanted that supporting documentation with the application. She sent in my resume from a few years ago. With grants being very competitive this would not be the thing to do.

So now the lid is off. They put in dates and times and a budget for supplies. They are not trying to do anything underhanded, but are a group that believes they are "changing things up" and not doing anything by the old method of doing it. But, the reality is there needs to be BALANCE. Some of the old ways were honed and make sense. In addition, they don't want to ask for anyone's help, even when they know people exist in the organization that know a few things. That grant - yah, after 8 years, I could probably recite the entire application, since I had to redesign it for this region based on the parameters set forth. LOL.

So, in her great panic, this woman (the same woman from the cookbook) is now feeling her neck. She needs my resume, a materials list, and a budget for materials. The push back came when I decided a couple of things. I want a copy of the original request so I don't look like a flipping idiot and not know the numbers for budgeting and I am not going to jump right up and send this to her immediately. She told me she needs it by the 12th. I know because we are "snowed in" she thinks I will do it today and give her some relief.

Not feeling it. ;) I am going to channel my not so nice side and let her sweat a bit. Mean? Perhaps. But, I am kind of enjoying my "vacation" and not going to let life creep in.

I will deal with this tomorrow or Sunday.  ;)

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #23 on: January 06, 2018, 03:11:48 AM »
Maybe it was being snowed in, maybe it was me, but yesterday, I was clearly not having it, from anyone. I wasn't looking to argue and I wasn't starting arguments. (I did my own bit of self-reflection - I try and own my own behaviors, especially after MLC).

The first incident was with the community group. I am glad I did not rush to solve the problem, because part of my issue with it was I knew she had probably done her usual thing and whipped off emails and not checked them entirely. When she responded to me with my questions, she had to email me back and admit she made a mistake. Now, I was not looking to be right, it was wanting to do it right. I wasn't nasty with my answers to her email. I was professional, but firm. I still did not give her the resume, etc yesterday. It will get done way before her deadline.

The next incident was with Miss Management at the gallery. They have had a policy in place since the gallery's inception that if the a certain school district closes due to weather, the gallery closes as well. Miss Management has a second job and it is a retail chain that never closes. She was ticked she had to work yesterday, so called my coworker at the gallery who works mornings and somehow convinced the young woman to go in. She tried the same with me. She said that policy is meant for "extreme" conditions - LOL. Hmmmm- whiteouts, blizzard warnings and -30º F windchills are not extreme apparently. I let her know early in the morning I was not coming in. She tried to tell me otherwise. Nope. When I came back with "how do you think the owner will feel when we are wasting her money, since she will paying for staffing and heat. The rest of the shops are closed today (per my coworker's report), so I highly doubt we are selling any work today". She had to concede. It didn't matter, I told her I could not see across the street to my mailbox and I wasn't attempting driving in. She tried my other coworker who lives 3 miles from the gallery. That woman always is willing to come in. She is 75, the most respected woman in the gallery and she is a pistol. She sent me the response she sent to Miss Manners. She is incredibly refined, but can shock people when she gets ticked. The text she sent Miss Manners was "are you F--g nuts?". So, I was not alone in my "Nope, not happening today" mentality.

The next 2 incidents involved D and my M.

D came upstairs and asked what I was doing. When I told her, she was annoyed. She mentioned the dishes that were left on the counter in the kitchen from the night before needing washed. I looked at her and said "then do them, I am not dealing with them right now". Normally, D will do these things. She was ticked that some were left by S and his GF and she was tired of cleaning up after everyone else. I looked at her and said "welcome to my world". That did not go over well and probably was not my most gracious response, but the reality was there weren't that many dishes and I didn't really care at that time. I was enjoying my mini-vacation.

D and I had a bit of an argument and it boiled down to she was bored and wanted company. I told her she could come upstairs, but I was not changing my plans today for anyone. I had to remind her that I never do this. I am always up taking her to school or running around for everyone else. I needed a day to myself to fritter away if I so choose. She said she understood and decided it was okay and I was not ignoring her.

My M had started texting me at 6 am. First checking in on me making sure my furnace was working. That was very sweet of her and I called her, as I knew she was up. She asked what I was going to do with my day. I should have lied - LOL. She thought about all the things I could accomplish. She was busy already seizing the day. I told her I was going to stay in bed all day. She was of course worried I was sick. I explained I just wanted a day off to do absolutely nothing. That actually did not upset her. It was through the course of the day that she then felt the need to call me and chat. That too would have been fine. It was when she crossed a line that started to interrupt my day of trying to just "be".

She had been worried the day before about S being out on the roads. I agreed and said it bothered me, but it was done. He got home safe. End of story. She could not let go of it and the reasons he was out in the first place. Can we say, stubborn, teenage boy? I told her I lost that battle and prayed he would get home safely. He and I discussed it when he got home and he apologized and realized his stubborn behavior made others worry. But that had passed. I could feel myself getting aggravated and I finally told my M to let it go.

She was not happy with me telling her to let it go and somehow thought I should be still worried about this. She too finally got it, but it took me getting a bit forceful and telling her the truth of the matter. Maybe it is what I needed to really hear myself.

I told her I was done worrying about the past and things I cannot change. I expressed I had spent the last few months wondering what I could have done to avoid a divorce and save my marriage. It sucked the life out of me and changed nothing. I told her for months prior to that I obsessed about every interaction with XH when he was having his affair and wondered how I could have prevented it. My desire is to move forward and use the past as a  guide for what not to do in the future, but I am done obsessing over these things. I never was that way prior to MLC and I am not looking to go back. It was a waste of my time to worry about those things I could not change. I reminded her that I still have moments of wondering what I could have done differently with things in my life, but only as a tool to move forward, not to get stuck in the past.

Everything is resolved with everyone. But my sister called me later and when she asked what was going on, I told her about my "feisty" responses. She laughed as she knows most of the time I am pretty even tempered. She said people don't expect me to fight back and they should have left me alone to have my day of peace. She hung up quickly and said she would talk to me today as she knew I needed that guilty pleasure day.  :)

From there on out, I did hear from a few people and that was fine. I didn't mind the calls all day or the communication, but I just did not want to leave my bed. I was warm, and enjoying not having to be responsible. I was able to check out of my responsible life for the day and today it is back to reality and being a M. I am okay with that ;)

Online Thunder

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #24 on: January 06, 2018, 03:51:22 AM »
Sounds like it was a pretty well deserved day of vacation.

Glad you enjoyed it.   ;D

We don't have all the snow some places are getting it it sure is COLD!!!  Whew!  It's been below zero every morning this week.
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #25 on: January 06, 2018, 06:42:52 AM »
Thunder - I did enjoy the day of vacation. LOL.

At first I thought I was going to pay for it because my Chocolate Lab lives for these types of days. She saw snow and for the first hour of the day, I kept taking her out and she only wanted to stick her nose in the snow and wanted to play. She then would sit down and become very stubborn and trying to get 90lbs of dog up and going when she has dug all four of said "heels" in is nearly impossible. At some point she had to really go out and I am not sure if it was the cold wind or what, but she decided she was having none of it and spent the entire day asleep on my bed. I let her stay upstairs all night, as her room has tile floors and was a bit too cold even for her. This morning, while I was in the shower, I closed the bedroom door, but not tight enough and she unmade the bed and is under the down comforter. LOL

We really haven't accumulated tons of snow. If anything, it is blowing around and causing the white outs. I think my region only has about 6 inches on the ground at the moment, which is not much. Living in my weird microclimate is a blessing. Go an hour or two in any direction and they have considerably more. In fact, it is rather amusing that where XH decided to settle (the man who claims to hate snow) is now living within 10 minutes of 2 ski resorts. LOL

I decided to be nice and ask the kids if their F made it to Florida safely. D shrugged and said she had not heard from him. S told me later that yes, he had in fact flown out right before all of the flights were cancelled.

The interesting nugget that came out is who he is staying with.

I encouraged him over the years to spend time with his family and to seek out his cousins, if that is what he wanted. He put it off. He was very close to his M's side of the family growing up, but that ended to a degree when his parent's divorced. MIL's family stayed in touch with XH's sister and the B who passed away, but the rest of the siblings looked (XH included) like their F, so there was this odd division. The 3 brunettes (XH included) all noticed the split and knew there was some odd thing.

XH has 2 B's still living in Florida. He is staying with neither one. I am pretty sure he is not staying with BIL who D stays with because from all accounts that is now a very strained situation. In fact, when XH was here I mentioned something about BIL and SIL coming to visit sometime and he said they never come up this way. Clearly he has not been told they are planning on coming up in February to see the kids. I said nothing. XH has also not been let in on the fact that my college president knows BIL. Why this is a bit telling is that BIL and XH were incredibly close and very similar.

Right at BD, XH met a cousin on his F's side. XH never really knew too many of his F's side of the family. They never travelled to see his F's family, etc. He had one uncle he knew well, but beyond that - not too much. His F has a huge extended family. I was happy he had connected with a family member and they had hit it off. This cousin is the same age. He has his own place and a GF, but his M makes him all of his meals and does his laundry, etc. XH was jealous of his lifestyle and said he was lucky, as this cousin travels whenever he wants, etc. I remember thinking to myself - yup and his M is not going to be around forever. Then what?

I think what struck me is my S's comment. He said that he is glad his F is getting to know his relatives, but he seems more interested in that than maintaining relationships with his siblings or his kids. Ouch.

It is not filling my head and I am not going to overanalyze it, but I think it is just very indicative of what so many see - their MLCers trying to find something, but always looking ONLY on the outside of things. It seems XH is still just dealing with the demons and surface things. In the meantime, the kids are starting to wear down, just as I did.

MLC destruction that continues. Maybe not at the same rate as BD or with the same massive blow, but certainly chipping away at that foundation.
« Last Edit: January 06, 2018, 06:46:59 AM by MourningDove »

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #26 on: January 06, 2018, 07:06:27 AM »
Sounds like it was a pretty well deserved day of vacation.

Glad you enjoyed it.   ;D

We don't have all the snow some places are getting it it sure is COLD!!!  Whew!  It's been below zero every morning this week.

Oh Thunder, LOL!  I'm three hours north of you and again this morning it was -27 degrees Fahrenheit! I'm so over it!   :(

Glad you got that day for you, MD! 
After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #27 on: January 06, 2018, 08:02:40 AM »
Sounds like it was a pretty well deserved day of vacation.

Glad you enjoyed it.   ;D

We don't have all the snow some places are getting it it sure is COLD!!!  Whew!  It's been below zero every morning this week.

Oh Thunder, LOL!  I'm three hours north of you and again this morning it was -27 degrees Fahrenheit! I'm so over it!   :(

Glad you got that day for you, MD! 

Thank you :)

And that type of cold you are describing is exactly why that commission will be installed in the Spring/Early summer - LOL.

S had to work this morning as he willingly took on the role of making sure certain maintenance was done at the millwork. The other guys don't want to plow out the driveway or maintain the vehicles. S's phrase to me yesterday was "I have a job. Things need to keep running in order to make other things happen and I am part of a team". He likes plowing, but the tractor would not start in this cold. He was outside for an hour and a half just trying to get it up and running. He was home 3 hours later and looked tired. I told him to go back to bed. He was a bit surprised since there is plenty to do around here. I told him there was nothing that could not wait until later. He is fast asleep and the dog was happy to join him on his bed.

D is fast asleep still. Typical teenager. LOL

I went out and got yesterday's mail, which I forgot about. It had the deed transfer in there and a breakdown of the fees. I had to laugh at the cost of some of the services, but I am glad I have that. It went in the safe. While I was filing it away, I came across XH's birth certificate. This is a bit funny because he came in early in the process and took tons of paperwork out of the safe. Luckily, I was at least on my toes a bit by then and the only things in the safe were actually copies of original documents that affected both of us. I had made copies of everything and put them in a safe place. By then I didn't trust XH and the "advice" OW was giving him. But, in his haste his birth certificate is in there.

Even funnier, in a sense is the story of that birth certificate and how it came to be. When his parents divorced, he was the only one home. His M gave all of the documents early on to the other kids when they moved out. She went on a complete reactionary purge and burned some things and then gave all sorts of antiques away, etc. XH got nothing and not even his siblings got much of anything except for now deceased BIL, who was the "golden child" at that time. Most of the things went to MIL's sister and her children, for whatever reason. It was largely in part due to the fact that XH at that time was living briefly with FIL so that he could finish his senior year. His M had moved out of the school district. But, she saw this as a huge betrayal, so XH was essentially living in enemy camp.

The birth certificate was necessary for his transfer to the 4 year college he wanted to go to and to get a passport so that he could study abroad. He suddenly realized it was no one had it. He had to try and get information on which hospital he was born in, all he knew was it was in NYC. This was still when they used microfilm and it took some doing. I took on the task of tracking it down. I found out he was born at a now non-existent military hospital and they sent us a copy, but it was quite an undertaking.

It was the reason, later when the kids were born I had additional official copies made of their birth certificates and placed them in a safe deposit box so that if there were ever some tragedy, ie: fire or flood, etc we would not have the hassle. They came in handy over the years when the kids would need documents for school. I had the original safe and sound.

So, XH's birth certificate had been reissued over 30 years ago. His sister lived 45 minutes away from us and we saw her frequently. Never did she mention she actually had the document. She gave it to XH when she was getting ready to move to New England and days before he moved out. She said she knew she had it and felt she was the keeper of the family history and documents since her M had passed. I remember thinking this was a bit odd, that she had never at least mentioned it to XH. It also made me realize that my SIL had become the family matriarch in her own mind. Today, I realize how this all fits into the FOO issues XH and his siblings are caught up in.

I will give XH his birth certificate. It is not mine to keep and I will not be the keeper of his precious documents. He so wants his freedom, he needs to be responsible for his own things.

Offline Reallytrying

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #28 on: January 06, 2018, 08:10:31 AM »
I love that you fought for your day. Every now and then those types of days are so rejuvenating.  D and I have had a string of lazy days this week and they were just what we needed.  Don't feel any guilt about taking those days sometimes - even without the snow to force them.  We all need time that is just about us occasionally.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #29 on: January 06, 2018, 11:32:31 AM »
Thank you Reallytrying. I do need to allow for those moments. I tell myself that often, but don't always listen to myself. It has been something I have come to struggle with over the years. Prior to having kids and a family, I allowed myself down time.

I would say my "guilt" is multifaceted. Part of that responsible adult coming out. Some is because I know how much I have to do. Being a M has added some and then the last ingredient is no doubt residual from the MLC and so many things I did "wrong" that holds me back at times. And the reality is, I should not feel guilt for needing to recharge.

As I was flipping through the channels before settling on a documentary I had been wanting to watch. Right before changing over to Netflix I stumbled upon a sermon by Joel Osteen and it was the tale end, but the words I heard just before I was ready to change the channels were "we need balance". I listened long enough to hear the part of the sermon that said balance is what gives us the power to keep moving and being strong people - and better people in essence.

I do need balance and staying in bed just because was what I needed.  :)


 

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