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Author Topic: My Story Reconnecting Dear Future...I Think I am Ready Now.  (Read 904 times)

Online barbiedollTopic starter

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My Story Reconnecting Dear Future...I Think I am Ready Now.
« on: January 11, 2018, 08:09:58 PM »
Last night we started with the therapist from the Gottman Infidelity Research Study. Number 1 of 30 sessions. We went for dinner 1st .. I was anxious.. very anxious in fact.  I remember very vividly looking at my hand on the knob of the very 1st therapist we saw....knowing, that this I so bad for me, I should not be doing this. I ignored myself . A lesson very well learned and never will I silence myself again. Within a week of BD ( I no longer love you, trying to leave for years etc) he wanted to go to counselling . WTF?.

He believed that "I had a lot of issues " and he had every right to be happy . She ( the counsellor ) asked him to commit to 3 months of counselling and not abandon marriage until then . He refused.."nope.. been years trying to do this". She asked him why is he is marriage counselling if he has already decided?  No answer .. silence. Said he never should have married me.. it was only for the kids. She asked him to take a vow of fidelity ..until he moved out. Oh.. " this is not about other women"...he laughed .

But , of course, he was already deep into an affair. He sat like a teenager ,all sprawled out , arrogant and extremely insensitive . He was not human ..not the human I have known since I was 13 . He said one shocking traumatic thing after another. Something died in me. She asked him when he was leaving ?..he said "i am really busy at work..I will be gone as soon a the phone stops ringing "...and just laughed like a lunatic. This workaholic was "too busy" to even leave me . Strike 1. This was a very awesome counsellor.

She settled on him..question after question ( at one point she winked at me ) She knew. He was enraged because " why are you on me ?"  And not her ? She asked to see me alone ... she told me straight up..identity crisis . I had no clue what was happening to my life but this counselling caused incredible harm to me ...I should have listened to ME and refused. But of course I was desperate. HE insisted on going...beyond any explanation as to why. She asked him repeatedly .."do you know you are with a marriage counsellor, what do you want to achieve ?". He never had an answer .

I finally quit a it was intolerable torture chamber with this unpredictable angry stranger. He told me I was a "quitter ". HMMMM? . At dinner last night I was nervous ... going to counselling filled me with anxiety all day as it is apparent to me it is a trigger . Finally took 1/2 an Ativan , He asked me at dinner " whats happening right now , babe". UGH. I just have to say it, I need relief... I just blurt " are you going to say anything in there that I don't know ? Are you ? ... I am just checking my blind spot".  WOW.. pouring tears, physical ball of pain up from the belly button..i feel it across my chest .. my tears are so impacted into my body.. they should hit the wall across the room. I am so endlessly astounded by the depth of this unpredictable pain... NO, no no no... babe, no. Nothing .

I have nothing to say ...no no.. But I am gone. It is so embarrassing to be this person, to type it .. to know it is still inside.

I really liked this counsellor, lovely and compassion all over her gentle face. I just felt her care. She told us how truly courageous we were and did we know that ?  So, we are video taped as part of the study and really it was spent with the "history" and her describing the study. She talked about homework , commitment and the "process of change " that we would be talking about. What did we want? What does a "good" marriage look like " etc...

She wanted a commitment of 15 hours per week in communication or together without anger, contempt or argument .. this is the minimum studies shows to create and maintain intimacy .   Ummmm?  I can see.. we have never had 15 hours per week for "undivided" attention... I think he cringed. Our "homework"  to establish a "pre-plan" as to how we will secure 15 hours ...etc etc..   oh my . He is now away for 2 days.. working. We are also to review our lovelanguage ... we forgot . Back next week.

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9293.0

« Last Edit: January 18, 2018, 07:16:43 PM by Thunder »
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline bvFTD

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Re: Dear Future...I Think I am Ready Now.
« Reply #1 on: January 11, 2018, 09:12:04 PM »
Thank you for your deeply moving post, Barbiedoll.

I, personally, don't think a marriage counselor will help because it is not your marriage that is in trouble, and if you fear he will sabotage and traumatize you during the counseling sessions, you should not go to them.

She wants you and your husband to commit to 15 hours a week. Please forgive my gauche question, but just how much is she charging you for you to be uncomfortable and get nowhere?

Offline bvFTD

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Re: Dear Future...I Think I am Ready Now.
« Reply #2 on: January 11, 2018, 09:21:34 PM »
If you are willing, perhaps think about making an appointment with a neuropsychiatrist just to see if you can make sense of bomb drop in a fraction of the time the marriage counselor wants you to commit to.

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Dear Future...I Think I am Ready Now.
« Reply #3 on: January 11, 2018, 09:44:17 PM »
I felt every inch of your pain during that post barbie, I could also see myself doing the same thing one day.

The counseling is a wonderful idea.  Even if we thought our marriages were good, we are starting all over again with a new man and woman if we have both done our inner work during and after the crisis, and really need a new marriage base.  If nothing else, it makes us mindful of the other person and commits actual time to them instead of always putting things off.

I love Gottman's work and truly believe that this could be the making of a new and wonderful marriage for you both.

As horrible as it was to feel such grief, you can feel safe in the knowledge it obviously wracked him to the core to think you would be so worried about anything he divulges.

The program will be wonderful and I expect wonderful posts over the next few weeks about the amazing journey this is for the two of you.

His crisis may not have been about your marriage but the new relationship is.  I do hope your H is getting some personal counseling for his FOO issues as this parallel therapy would be invaluable to him.

He loves you barbie, I can feel it in my bones ;)

Many hugs to you both :-*
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8451.80 (Denjef's thread)

Online Treasur

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Re: Dear Future...I Think I am Ready Now.
« Reply #4 on: January 11, 2018, 09:45:19 PM »
First of all, Barbie - I love, love, love this thread title!

And I disagree with bv actually...I think you and your H are two battered folks who love and respect each other and want to build a strong different kind of marriage. A new kind of intimacy from the flames. I also think that both of you are showing tremendous courage and a real 'in your boots' commitment to each other.

The trigger? Understandable....but please try to remember that it was your Shadow H sat in those past counselling sessions. It doesn't sound like your H would laugh like that now, or lounge back like a pompous a$$hat who is so busy and self- important. Now, he is the H who noticed your anxiety and asked about it and listened to you. Who is probably as frightened as you sometimes. And you're not the same shocked, bewildered Barbie either...you are stronger and wiser and you've learned a lot along the way.

And 15 hours? Easy....a full day at the weekend plus a couple of evenings....it's about being present with each other I think...maybe a chance to do something different together, play chess, go dancing, learn boxing!

I think you're right and you are ready now, Barbie.
« Last Edit: January 11, 2018, 09:48:46 PM by Treasur »
BD - Oct 15, mostly silent vanishing husband, diagnosed with severe depression in Dec 15 & seeing psychiatrist/on ADs since then
OW since Apr 16, maybe earlier?
H filed Jan 17.
80/20 strategy for me in 2018

"her soul is fierce, her heart is brave, her mind is strong." R.H Sin
Grace is...Elegance, good will, unearned blessings, a prayer of thanks and how to address a duchess.
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online FaithWalker

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Re: Dear Future...I Think I am Ready Now.
« Reply #5 on: January 11, 2018, 09:49:22 PM »
Attaching

Your feelings are tangible, I can feel them myself when I read along with you.  I hope that this study helps you both.  Very curious about this study.
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9711.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Online Whyus

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Re: Dear Future...I Think I am Ready Now.
« Reply #6 on: January 11, 2018, 10:23:56 PM »
Great title Barbie, made me feel good just reading it knowing all that you have been through.
I agree with SF. Your H is a different man now and loves you, that is clear to all of us here and you know it too. It will be hard work for you both but worth it all in the end.
You will be just fine Barbie, both of you.
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 44
W: 44
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28. Trainings partner. Still together
2 Sons - 18 & 19
2 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Filed
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0
T10. http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9547.0

Online barbiedollTopic starter

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Re: Dear Future...I Think I am Ready Now.
« Reply #7 on: January 12, 2018, 02:56:32 AM »
Quote
I, personally, don't think a marriage counselor will help because it is not your marriage that is in trouble, and if you fear he will sabotage and traumatize you during the counseling sessions, you should not go to them.

She wants you and your husband to commit to 15 hours a week. Please forgive my gauche question, but just how much is she charging you for you to be uncomfortable and get nowhere?
.
bvFTD....

The marriage counselling I was referring to in my initial post was the time period of BD... and how I experienced that. I am affected by the residue of that memory and how traumatising it was to me. It is true...it has been my experience to NEVER be in counselling with these fruit-trucks while they are in crisis ...it almost killed me and now I am afraid of counselling. It was a huge regret to be trapped in a room with monster who appeared to love  audience while he spewed his shadow-sh*t all over me .

Present day counselling? Has to happen..or you have to walk away. That is my opinion. NEVER could I deal with him or the PTSD on my own. Others do, I am aware of that. As far as the cost  ( I am into this mess for over forty grand now) the Gottman Institute pays 50%. Felt like I won the lottery. The 15 hours is time spent together outside of the hour of counselling...

Quote
If you are willing, perhaps think about making an appointment with a neuropsychiatrist just to see if you can make sense of bomb drop in a fraction of the time the marriage counselor wants you to commit to.
.

No. This is not something I would ever consider . No.

Thank you everyone ...I sure do appreciate everyone. You are like gold to me !

Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline Tyks

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Re: Dear Future...I Think I am Ready Now.
« Reply #8 on: January 12, 2018, 03:29:30 AM »
Yay, you syarted a new thread lol

15 hours of communication? Per week? Holy, now I can see why my marriage went for the sh!tes lol.

Seriously, awesome!! I think that this new counselling is just what the doctor ordered :) you go girlfriend!!
Me 48
Him 48
22 years together - Married 20
BD1 - August 26, 2016 - ILYBINILWY
BD 2 - August 28, 2016 - OW discovered EA - Kicked him out - currently separated
D15 D18

April 2017 - Legal Separation Agreement
August 2017 - I filed for divorce

Online Treasur

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Re: Dear Future...I Think I am Ready Now.
« Reply #9 on: January 12, 2018, 04:36:04 AM »
But surely 15 hours is about being 'present' and engaged with each other...not necessarily big talks or earnest activities...if I think back to my M before MLC started to brew, we did that pretty easily actually.
BD - Oct 15, mostly silent vanishing husband, diagnosed with severe depression in Dec 15 & seeing psychiatrist/on ADs since then
OW since Apr 16, maybe earlier?
H filed Jan 17.
80/20 strategy for me in 2018

"her soul is fierce, her heart is brave, her mind is strong." R.H Sin
Grace is...Elegance, good will, unearned blessings, a prayer of thanks and how to address a duchess.
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg


 

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