I could blame the universe or the planetary alignment or whatever else - I have had a few days of head shaking and not all to do with the MLCer. LOL

I had woken up this morning after having a very odd dream about the MLCer. I know why it probably was in my head and fortunately it didn't rattle me terribly when I woke up, but I did note that during the dream itself, I was clearly uneasy.

The dream was about Xh in the midst of one of his epic cleaning frenzies. He was telling me he was moving out and then in the next breath he was in the house and all calm and settled back into a routine like nothing happened. And then a day later back to more cleaning out.

The thing is, this was in fact somewhat accurate in the sense that he got so he was that unpredictable. I was just going day to day wondering what I was going to encounter. I realize now that it was not healthy for either of us. Him, I don't know if he has or ever will resolve whatever made him behave that way. For me, it was the constant feeling of not knowing how to behave or what the day would bring. This went on for months even prior to BD. There was no reasoning with him or getting him to face his demons. Furthermore, by then, I had convinced myself in the midst of what often became gaslighting on his part, I was the problem and only I could fix it. I tried everything I could imagine and would carefully listen to his complaints trying to twist myself up into knots to behave the way he wanted. Even if I managed to correct something the script would change even sometimes within the same conversation. It was madness, but only now do I truly recognize that I entered into his mad world thinking I could control it.

I knew this morning though something about the dream was different. I wasn't shaken by the dream. I don't like having those dreams, but I wasn't crying or even emotional. It was more of a "huh" moment, although I wondered why it had entered my mind. The artwork was certainly the obvious clear line. There had been more though that occurred the past few days to see why maybe it all just showed up in dream form.

S had a side job to do on Sunday that was in Xh's neighborhood. D was working and I accepted an impromptu invite to go to dinner with a friend. I checked in with S when I was getting ready to leave to see if he was going to be home before I was, as my friend had received some upsetting news during dinner. I knew somehow that I was meant to be there for my friend at that time. It was an odd set of circumstances and I couldn't just leave her.

S answered and he had stopped by Xh's who decided to take him out for dinner and then asked him for a favor for the following night. Seems he had an overnight date and needed psycho dog watched. I know who the date was with - don't really care, but it was evident by where he said he was going location wise. I shook my head and rolled my eyes as my friend giggled - she needed a laugh and I was glad I could provide the entertainment. S then told me that Xh wished me a happy birthday to which I simply said thank you and hoped that was the end of it, tbh. Nope. Xh was in the background and wanted to have S tell me how he knew it was my birthday. In my head the only thing that I could think of was the fact that it is because that is when his M's funeral was held many years ago. No, that wasn't it. Then I knew. Sigh. It made S laugh, but Xh only told him part of the story. What S was told as I listened was that when we were first married Xh had received a briefcase that had a combination lock on it. His sister had bought it for him and she thought it was funny to change the combination randomly before giving it to him and he couldn't open it. I spent Christmas, just trying different combinations until I figured it out. Then I reset it - to my birthday. It made him laugh at the time because it was with good reason.

I have never made a big deal out of my birthday. Even as a kid. It has to do with not wanting to be put in the spotlight. It's nice to be acknowledged but it has never been something I get hung up on. I won't say I don't like having people tell me they are thinking of me or if they bring me a gift, but I don't get warped out of shape over not having some big to do. I always enjoyed when the kids would make a fuss when they were little, because it was more about how much they liked the whole hoopla, not because I had to have some celebration. Xh knew this and it was always this way.

The briefcase combination, as I later explained to S was because Xh and I dated for 6 years before getting married. His one B had a birthday the day before mine. His SIL had one a week before mine. His step mom had one a couple of days before mine and another B had one a week after mine. Those days he remembered very clearly. Mine - he always forgot and that would have made me laugh, except he would confuse my birthday regularly with his X GF's. Consistently. S laughed and said he could see why that might aggravate me. I told him, I actually laughed about it at the time with the briefcase and said that would hopefully fix that issue. S mentioned Xh told him those were good memories. Yah - they were good memories. But they are just that now. I am not wanting to go back.

There is a certain sadness about those happy memories being lost to history, but not because I am longing to go back there. It is more of a sadness that I will never understand what happened to the man that was.

What I had waited to hear come out of Xh's mouth was a different story. One that got so twisted in the MLCer's brain.

When MIL died, the kids were really little. They came for a small time during the calling hours before the service, but we decided that it was best to take our kids and the other kids that age to my SIL's house where my sister's friend babysat for us that day. The kids spent the day with their cousins and making new memories. MIL would have wanted that. After the service, XH drove home with two of his B's and my SIL. Others were going to come to our house later, but I offered to pick up all of the kids and bring them to the house. It was my birthday that day. I said nothing. It never entered my mind. On the way home S mentioned to me that my SIL said it was my birthday and were we going to have a cake. I explained to him that it was a day to celebrate his grandmother and if they wanted to celebrate my birthday we could do it the following weekend. I would have happily just moved on from the day.

When I arrived home, there was a cake for me and my BIL and a big to do. My SIL had made a fuss about it and they went so far as to go out and buy gifts. I frankly found the whole thing uncomfortable, but I went with it, as they seemed to want to move on from the sadness and heaviness of the day. Xh insisted he wanted to do this for me. That was at the time.

When MLC hit, it would go down as one of the many times that apparently I was selfish and made the day about me. He would bring that up continually in his monster moments. I even recall asking my SIL (the one I still talk to), who was there, if she remembered that and she laughed, saying they were the ones who orchestrated it and Xh was the ringleader.

I went off to work yesterday just thinking how bizarre the past couple of days had been in regards to these little moments. I was just getting ready to leave work when one of my students from last semester - one of my best students, who is incredibly stoic - called out my name. I had just seen them moments before and gave them some feedback on a piece they were working on for another class. I turned and saw this kid just sobbing and quivering. It threw me - I wasn't prepared for that level from them. Out it came. They had to leave immediately and they have been dealing with this all of their life - a parent with mental issues. I knew which parent they were close with. I knew it wasn't this one. Now I knew why. I could feel tears welling up in my own eyes. It was probably one of those moments that some would say was a no-no, but I somehow knew they needed a hug. I let them soak my shirt with tears and calmly asked them what they were working on and what needed to be done for that class for the day. I found myself doing just what my professor years ago did for me and said I would personally call their professor and explain the situation. They were to leave and go take care of themselves first. I told them I know what it is like to have someone in your life that is trying to pull you into the tornado, told them to worry about their own health first.

I made the call. I knew all too well that professor is tough on the outside, but not unreasonably so. They also know the student and knew this was out of character. The professor immediately emailed the student explaining we had talked and extended the deadline for them based on our conversation.

I received a call from the student later in the day thanking me for being in their corner and it helped that I seemed to understand.

I thought about it last night and maybe that is part of the positive of having gone through the MLC BS. I still would not wish it on anyone, but it has made me more aware of there are some things you cannot change. You can only make changes in your own behaviors and you can have love and compassion, but there are going to be things in life you may have to step away from for your own well being, no matter how sad it may be.

This morning, framer reached out with a surprise that changed what our initial plans were for the returned artwork. The artwork had some notes scribbled on the back that the framer photographed before assembling it and there was also additional notes on the front, which we decided to leave showing. It changed the frame size so it fit in the original frame, which the framer repaired. We both agreed that in some ways, it seemed even more appropriate that part of the original framing remained. It is part of the original history, since my F was the one that had it initially framed in the first place. They sent me a photo of the newly assembled piece and now I just have to figure out where to hang it.

It dawned on me that artwork is very much like my life. I have lost parts and recovered some. I have a history I can't just erase, and I don't want to forget it all. It happened. Yet, I can breathe new life into it and still hold on to some memories. The artwork won't go back into the wine cellar, as I think it needs to be somewhere that reminds of just that when life seems to kick me. I want to believe that piece ended up back in my possession for a reason.

Gonna,

Thanks for sharing your story, 5 years of this sounds like something else. I’m 14 months in with an at home high energy MLCer. Your sorry gives me some hope. I’m setting boundaries and trying my best to stay detached. Focusing on me, the kids and of course Baxter the dog.
Good luck on your continuing journey

I wonder if it is easier to forgive those who hurt us than it is to forgive those who hurt people we love and feel powerless to protect perhaps? Certainly I found it so.

Whether we - or our spouses - like it or not, years of this kind of behaviour changes the shared landscape and how others view them. And us maybe. That might be sad, but it’s normal and reasonable that it does.

This continues to drag on.... It's been over 2 months since W paid a retainer to a D attorney. W won't speak to me at all (she hasn't for months). She literally acts like I don't exist, ignoring me completely, all in front of the kids. In fact, we had to ride in the same car to one of our kids events, and she demanded to ride in the back seat, LOL. This just keeps getting stranger and stranger. 

We need to have some urgent discussions around financial budgeting, and she wont even answer any of my emails or texts to her (remember, she won't speak to me). So, I'm left to attempt budgeting alone, which is impossible, since she's the one who spends all the money on kids stuff, groceries, etc.

My guess - I think she had an inflated idea of what she'd be able to get out of a divorce (money and custody), and her lawyer bursted that bubble.  I think she's left in a pit of having ruined a relationship with her H and oldest S, and knowing that her life will not be as cushy as she thought post D. I think she's seriously stuck. It's so, so, sad.

The only way out for her is to either "repent" and repair relationships (which she's much too prideful to do), or to move forward with a D and damage her relationships even further, and rebuild her life alone, which will be very tough.

This is some very strange liminal space I'm living in right now my friends.

A few years back I had the bomb drop...May 2019...and like everyone it came out of no where. I joined the boards after the shock wore off and I gobbled up all the information I could after a friend who became my MLC LBS mentor shared their experience and it rang all to true to what I was going through. I was 38 at the time and H was 37. Prior to this there was a major stress of a career change.

Bomb was dropped and H left to live with his parents randomly one evening with no plans just a place to run away to. I was learning and like most, did everything wrong the first few months. I read all the books, read all the message boards, and began to understand what was happening and decided to stand. For the first few months there were some touch and goes and I began to focus on me and do all the things.

My H decided randomly to get his own apartment and moved out from his parents without even discussing a plan leaving me with everything to figure out in October. Within those months of H getting his own place there were lots of touch and goes, I played it cool, and he started to date me again. His sibling shared H was doing odd behaviour and acting like a teenager and got an entire new style and wardrobe. H burnt through money so quickly I was thankful we always kept our finances separate. There were days when he would come home in despair and confusion having not been able to sleep and would stay with me. He bounced back and forth for awhile between homes as it was clear he was very confused, holding regret, and voicing notes of guilt.

February of 2020 I went on a trip with friends while he watched our dogs and this space was a little bit of a turning point. H genuinely missed me while I was away and voiced further regret. Then the pandemic hit.

H had another job loss at this time but handled it better than the one just before bomb drop. We isolated together, worked together as we always had and H essentially ended up in July 2020 putting back on his wedding ring and giving notice to his apartment. The winter of 2020 H realized how many bridges he burnt the previous year and proposed we move which I was all for and was always our plan.

Spring of 2021 we moved across country and I truly thought that the whole mess was behind us. But as time passed I started to notice that there were still cycles of MLC. Anger was still present, depression was on and off, the self discovery was still happening but I supported all of it as I could as he was doing this all with me.

Then the summer of 2023 hit....he began going back to where he was at the start of the MLC with his self image obsession and depression. Then came another job change in December 2023 and POOF! It was like we were starting all over again. This time though, there was an EA with someone who was a mutual friend. H started to spew negativity towards me which I placed firm boundaries on and he accepted. Then the depression hit followed by him not engaging in any aspect in life. The difference this time is that he independently sought counselling as he "was broken and needed to be fixed". H has been going weekly and doing deep work on himself as he is trying to find himself and has shared he is lost and does not know who he is. In March of 2024 is when I called him out on the EA and he opened up about it was just a friendship but it was clear it was more to the other woman but he could not see it. I placed boundaries and he adhered to them with her until recently.

In March of 2024 H finally shared what he was going through and that he did not want it to end up like it did in 2019 as he was not leaving. For the past two months he continues to do work, has started to show reflection, remorse, and is taking accountability for his actions. Yet H is still rewriting our history, demonstrating low self esteem, self sabotaging the relationship by making poor choices he is aware are not ok, and sharing that he has no idea why I am with him and telling me I deserve better. I have begun to set firm boundaries to his poor choices with reconnecting with the previous EA and it was much different since the month before. But time will tell. He keeps doing the work saying he wants to become a man because he is still a boy.

With H's reflection and perspective I trust we are heading down the right path and we are nearing the end (it's been almost 5 years of this circus!) where I hope H begins to find some peace and identity and we can begin to move forward in the next stage of our relationship and heal together from this confusing time in our lives.

This is a long story, my first post although I have been a reader for years, but felt it was time to post and see if others are able to share their wisdom as we navigate H taking responsibility, doing the hard inner work, and wanting to repair the lost trust.