When did it start: Mine started shortly before I turned 50. It hit me in an instant, like I just hit a wall. Suddenly I was in a mind that was not mine. Looking back, I think there were signs for several weeks prior, like isolation.

How many years?: I was in it for about 4.5 years, with the first 3 years in the thick of it. Like unable to understand other people's pain and why society frowns on certain behaviors. Certainly, I was doing things I would never have done in my prior life. I spent those years on a journey of getting to know the person that hijacked my mind, the new me I suppose. 

Do you have any idea of when people around you became aware that something was off?  Did you try to hide it from others for a while?  Did you hide it from some people while letting others see the truth?  The same question applies to the end, did it take a while to build new relationships or let others know that things had changed again? 

As a final note, I have the misfortune of knowing two people with NPD, and in my experience, their patterns of behaviour become obvious relatively quickly. Lots of failed relationships (friends, professional, as well as romantic) in their rear view mirror. I personally think it unusual, but not impossible, that someone has a personality disorder that goes undetected by their significant other for decades. JMO.

That's why I've been advocating for looking at your own FOO and attachment issues. I think in a lot of ways, many of us equally created the situation we were in. 

My ex is a covert narcissist, 100%. I don't think it went undetected by me, it's just that it was excused, ignored, rationalized away and in many regards, I was just too immature, naïve and lacked enough experience to see any of it for what it was because of my own FOO issues and attachment style.

Dear MLC50,

Thank you for offering to share your journey, especially as it must have been a very painful period for you. I am happy to read that you have navigated these choppy waters and have come through with a such a positive and giving spirit.

“How do you know for sure that what has happened to your spouse is indeed a midlife crisis? What makes you believe that?”

Because:

• he pretty much told me so. He said he was broken, that he hated himself, and that he did not enjoy any of the things he used to do.
  he was obviously depressed (and angry) the year previously
  his FOO issues had come to ahead and this was what he was initially angry about
  he wildly swung back and forth, and round and round with his emotions.
  his behaviour has been akin to bi-polar. Madly running, spending etc and then deep depths of despair
  he was never like this at any time in our 25 plus years together

I believe he had a crisis that hit at midlife. A breakdown.

My understanding of narcissism, when it hits the level of NPD, is that it is all about power and control. There is a lot of talk now about covert/inverted narcissists. The mechanisms may be different but the drivers are still the same.  My relationship with my H was never based on power or control, from either of us. Therefore I know he is not a narcissist. But he was brought up by one, and this is a theme I see on this forum a lot.

As a final note, I have the misfortune of knowing two people with NPD, and in my experience, their patterns of behaviour become obvious relatively quickly. Lots of failed relationships (friends, professional, as well as romantic) in their rear view mirror. I personally think it unusual, but not impossible, that someone has a personality disorder that goes undetected by their significant other for decades. JMO.

Ok, so first of all, take 500 wise points for being smart enough to post here before you vent there.
And welcome to your season ticket to the Land of F**kwittery where up is down, and a drama can be created from a teacup. It gets easier. Largely perhaps bc we eventually hand in our ticket although usually don’t get a refund lol.

Now, take a breath….
Take another one while I remind you - bc I know you already know - about some basics.

He wants what he wants when he wants it. (And the reasons a) don’t matter and b)usually involve some version of attempted charm, sadz or blame when he doesn’t get it)

You are no longer obliged to care what he wants beyond your basic legal and sane  adult human obligations. Or indeed listen more than once to any of the blah blah.

You are no longer obliged to care how he feels or place weight on his opinion about anything from your choices to the price of fish. (Beyond same obligations as above)

No is a complete sentence. If you want to be polite, some embroidered superficial version of No is also fine…..No, sorry you feel that way…No, that doesn’t work for me or my personal favourite….having thought about it, I’d prefer not to. You offered him some options; they didn’t work for him and his remaining Monday option doesn’t work for you. (You may find this gets easier the more you find childcare support options that do not require his involvement. Bc until then, it’s a control lever for him. He gets the kids in his legally mandated time full stop. And he doesn’t get any of you at all. Nothing less than a life threatening emergency should change that imho. No chicken pox or your understandable exhaustion should change that. He will be, at best, a pop up Disney Dad. And by leaving two small kids and a pregnant wife, imho the list of things he now gets no vote on or future involvement in is looooong. Ditto tbh you and the list of things in his life unless they affect your kids safety or your bank account. Exotic holidays? Meh. Boils on his head, meh. Has the sadz, meh.

He most probably won’t/doesn’t like it when you say No. or even better when you act No. Hence some spin around charm (flowers ‘from the kids’), self pity (this is so unfair) or rage (you say I can’t come to the house when I please so I’ll tell you are horrible, file for divorce or do some other passive-aggressive nonsense that pops into my mind. Bc….see first point lol. You can expect more of the same bc well, that’s just what these folks do. As you climb off the rollercoaster and lose your fear about his reactions, it gets pretty predictable and can even be quite funny. Say/Do No anyway if that’s what is best for you.

Don’t feel the need to explain, defend or justify your choices. Or indeed try to persuade him to think or act differently. Waste of breath. Bc….see first point. And he does not care what you think, feel or need….me me me is all there is….if he did, he would be behaving differently.

I can’t imagine how overwhelming, and incredibly unfair, it must feel to be the lone adult responsible for three small humans. Or how alone you must feel with it sometimes or how thinly spread. But others here do. And what they will probably say is that, right now, you are also dealing with an additional virtual teenage f**kwit. And that everything - even the really hard things - get easier once you remove the f**kwit element or find ways to severely reduce it. And that others have crafted a way to do solo parenting that are doable and even mostly enjoyable.

So, imho, say No to Mondays unless you are legally obliged (as informed by your lawyer not an MLCer) and then go about your day. Don’t waste your breath or feed the drama by telling him how you feel or trying to persuade him to behave with more consideration. Bc, well, see point one lol. And think of all the infinitely nicer things you could do with that time and energy….go for a walk, call a chum, clean the toilet, watch a video of a cat with a funny face……

And a PS in case it helps. He has filed and that puts you on a different path. Think of your choices now as building a template for how life will work when he is an ex husband rather than a husband.  Even if that isn’t by your choice, it obviously brings different boundaries, expectations and ways of doing things in your life and in your home. Pause a moment when these situations arise and ask yourself ‘is this what I want or think divorce should look like in 5/10 years time? Is this how I want it to work? Or see my role as an ex-wife? If not, don’t do it. Bc you’d prefer not to. Bc it’s the sane healthy choice. And unless you are legally obliged, you don’t have to.

To your original question….

“How do you know for sure that what has happened to your spouse is indeed a midlife crisis? What makes you believe that?”

Well, my most honest answer is I don’t know bc I can’t know what is in someone else’s head. And now, years later, it matters less than I thought it did at the time. So I don’t know but I think being able to call it something like MLC helped me feel that I had not gone insane and that what was happening felt extreme and weird bc it WAS extreme and weird.

At the time, I thought so because he became virtually unrecognisable. Just not normal for him. And then he became increasingly just not normal for normal people. Perhaps unusually here, to my knowledge he was under psychiatric care for a couple of years, so objectively speaking, something had gone seriously awry in him and people other than me with no skin in the game evidentally thought so. But I don’t know if it was MLC per se or something else or indeed if he got ‘better’. And neither a label or what happened to him down the road changed any of the practical reality of the effect on me, my life and my well-being.

Out of interest, if you are happy to share, a lot of folks here might be interested in your perspective now and then on those who were significantly affected by your MLC behaviour. Making some kind of sense of that tends to be a rather gnawing issue for most LBS.