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Author Topic: MLC Monster LBS STAGES

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MLC Monster LBS STAGES
OP: June 28, 2012, 09:52:38 PM
This is sort of a hi-jack off of Limitless' last posts. Someone mentioned that we, as LBSs, spend so much time wondering at which stage our MLCer is at, that we forget about the stages we go through. I am approaching 3 years since bomb drop and have only recently decided not to stand any longer. I have come to the realization that my marriage is over. He has been gone for almost 3 years and we have been divorced for about a year and a half and there has been absolutely no moves on his part to even start toward even thinking about reconciling. I know that I would never be able to trust him or even forgive him for what he has done. I have thrown in the towel and I feel really good with that. I miss him every now and then but I have gotten so used to doing everything for myself and my kids without him that he really isn't even in my thoughts that often. He has become "someone that I used to know".  I have dipped my toe in the dating pool but am taking it very very slowly.  Its funny that I actually enjoy being solitary now. I love the quiet moments when the kids are out or in bed and I have the house to myself. I can watch whatever I want to watch, go to bed when I want, eat what I want etc. Its nice to have me-time.  I even like having the whole bed to myself-most of the time......
The thing for me is that I also miss companionship and sex. My ex and I had a great sex life before he left. -or maybe we didn't and I just wasn't aware of it... ;) I am only 42, in the best shape of my life and I have had offers but up til now I politely refused. I think Im going to see what happens if I dont say no. 
So, stage wise- I guess you could say that I have lived through the shock, denial, anger, confusion, acceptance and survived and thrived.
I am interested to see if there are similarities amongst LBSs depending on timing from BD.
Also, please forgive me, I don't want to offend any standers in the forum by announcing my decision to stop standing.
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« Last Edit: November 12, 2014, 07:50:17 AM by OldPilot »

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Re: LBS Stages
#1: June 28, 2012, 10:08:13 PM
Talking about quiet. Oldest d just came out screaming about a bug on her shirt. Took it off. Dad's a hero right now. Gave me some time to ponder your post.

I do stand for my marriage. I believe in my vows and support my family. My w does remain at home but things are very strained. However, we are trying to make things work.

Do not think of this as being against your choice. Your h has broken his commitment. He failed you. You have has the time to think, reflect, and make a rational decision about your life. If you enter into a new relationship, it is because you are emotionally ready to make such an action and not just reacting to your spouse.

I appreciate your courage to come and post. (((((hugs))) and know that you are in my prayers.
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Re: LBS Stages
#2: June 28, 2012, 10:39:15 PM
I am approaching 3 years since bomb drop and have only recently decided not to stand any longer. I have come to the realization that my marriage is over. He has been gone for almost 3 years and we have been divorced for about a year and a half and there has been absolutely no moves on his part to even start toward even thinking about reconciling.

Your decision not to stand is fine....it's a personal decision.  Bomb drop for me was a little over 2.5 years ago.  I have been divorced for 2 of those 2.5 years.

I understand you are no longer standing.  3 years is too soon in a vast majority of the cases for the MLCer to starting toward reconciliation.....or even reconnection which comes before reconciliation.
 

I know that I would never be able to trust him or even forgive him for what he has done.

Possibly true.  Hopefully you have at least read RCR's articles on trust and forgiveness.

I am interested to see if there are similarities amongst LBSs depending on timing from BD.

I am in a similar time frame as you.....not quite as much time since bomb drop, but have been divorced longer.
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Re: LBS Stages
#3: June 29, 2012, 05:20:44 AM
I love my H so so much...we have been together 24 yrs and i have never even thought about being with someone else until this.

I now wonder what it would be like to have someone with similar interests, who gives me constant attention, wants to be with me (instead of trying to pursued someone  ::) ) I know it might not last, but it would be good to have. i so wish he would try to do it, but that is down to him.

My H is home....but i know if I hadn't seen him for the amount of time you have I would be doing the very same as you and TBH i think maybe after trying some newer models...his chance of ever returning would be low. ;)

Good luck and i hope you find the happiness you deserve.  :)
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Me 57
H 47
BD 1 March 09
BD 2 disc OW Aug 09
H moved out to his own place April 10
Moved home and gave up cave Nov11
H has been home almost 4 years and our relationship is now better than before MLC :)


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Re: LBS Stages
#5: June 29, 2012, 06:06:17 PM
I don't know if this came from that same thread; OP I think posted this somewhere ages ago, and I'd copied it; I'm copying it again here:

Edit : Yes it is from the above thread - OldPilot

My thoughts on the LBS stages;

Denial- Without a doubt the first phase. It could be as simple as denying that there is something wrong or amiss. Eventually turning to denial that it is actually happening to us, denying our part in everything, and the worse part.....denying our inner self's to come out. Maybe because we don't know how.....but at the point everything is caused by some outside catalyst. Sounds very MLC like to me?

Bargaining-I put this here instead of after anger because I feel the deep seated thought out anger is yet to come. We have felt the quick anger brought on by emotional pain and trauma, but not that thought out and reviewed anger that is to come. So we beg, plead, whatever it takes (during this stage I actually saw the positive side of an open marriage...granted my situation is only slightly different...LOL). We will do whatever it takes to save the marriage, yet haven't realized that the marriage is gone. dead! Fini!

Anger-This stage is third...why you ask? At this point our bargaining, selling of our soul, absolutely nothing has had the expected results. So we feel deep down anger and conviction that we are right...they are wrong....and We will win no matter who loses! This very well might be the hardest stage for anybody going through this. I have been scanning lightly in newcomers and see so many of that boards "mentors" stuck themselves in this stage. Trying to control what is uncontrollable out of anger and not based on sound decision.

Depression-At this point the energy involved with our anger is used up. We are burnt out......and now we are ALONE. Yes...we have been alone in the physical sense for some time, but the bucket is finally empty.

Resentment-Slightly different than anger.....more identified with long periods of being OK....then boom.....anger comes bursting back in very brief, but extremely intense blasts. I think it is almost a triggered response...a missed ball game, long weekend with a sick child, or coming up short on a mortgage payment. A catalyst disturbs the beast sleeping within.

Acceptance-I place this before forgiveness because I feel you have to accept the marriage is done before you can forgive the damage it's death has caused. At this point you know that you are alone. The resentment is gone because you accept that triggers from resentment are just yours alone to deal with. This is also a great time for personal growth. Confidence that you will survive on your own, that you can do thing yourself, and that the sun will still rise tomorrow.

Self-growth-Regaining on confidence continued. New perspective of the things around you. Constant questioning...of yourself and the principles we follow. At this point anything is possible....for ourselves.

Forgiveness-At this point you can forgive yourself for your part in the demise of the marriage. You can also see the pain the process has caused our spouse. The knowledge that neither party has really come out of this unscathed is apparent. You will know at this point that the journey was beneficial for both parties as long as neither got tripped up in their respective journeys. Maybe the marriage is renewed...maybe not.

Renewal-The world is different (I know that I see it differently). We are almost reborn to a life that that has unlimited potential. Things that were once taken for granted are cherished...and things thought essential are no longer that important. We are finally able to cash in on the independent self that we have found within ourselves.

Living again-At this point we move on, piece, whatever hand we have been dealt. Everything behind will be seen with compassion for the pain it caused and the enlightenment about ourselves that we achieved.


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« Last Edit: June 29, 2012, 10:09:57 PM by OldPilot »

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Re: LBS Stages
#6: June 29, 2012, 06:20:19 PM
Ember, choosing not to stand anymore is a personal choice. Only you can decide to do it. 3 years is on the short end in MLC. In average it ranges from 4 to 7 years. It is your life, you're the one that get to decide what to do with it.

Hyper, trying newer models is interesting but, unless we find one that fits the person we have become, it end up losing it interest. After trying a few newer models we kind of think “ok, I’ve done it, I’m still attractive, I still have it but now I need someone that is capable of stay by my side for the rest of my life”. No, I’m nor saying it has to be our former spouse, simply that we will become more choosing and demanding making sure our needs are meet.
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Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

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LBS Script
#7: May 08, 2013, 05:49:35 PM
Thought it was about time ladies and gentlemen, that we had a thread to compare the script.  A discussion started earlier on my thread, so thought this might be either helpful or humorous for us all.

From Calamity:

Serenity re:  lbs script [a small sampling]

Where's Wed cos we need graphics for this one.  Most of the lbs script is  :o :o   you know, standing there with your mouth gaping in disbelief.

He loves ow, he hates me.

It's not mlc. 

How could he? 

WTF & some other assorted bad words.  [This situation could turn a nun vulgar.]

I must be crazy.

He's crazy.

It's all my fault.

**for male lbs's.  Since the english language used 'he' for half of my life, to refer to either gender, I figure its fair game.   


From AnneJ:

Latter script for LBS:

Yep, it is MLC.

It is he/she.

WTH is still used. Many years after BD the MLCer still does  :o :o :o   things.

He/she is crazy will also remain.
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« Last Edit: May 08, 2013, 06:07:11 PM by AnneJ »

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Re: LBS Script
#8: May 08, 2013, 06:41:59 PM
My life is over.
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b
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Re: LBS Script
#9: May 08, 2013, 07:19:28 PM
He's never coming back...he told me so.
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Hugs and Blessings,
Brokenhearted

 

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