What to Avoid | What to Do |
Do not share this website. | Read about MLC (A few starting resources are listed below) |
Do not tell him he is in a midlife crisis. (MLCers do not believe they are in MLC) | |
No Beg-n-Pleading | Detach |
No crying in your MLCer’s presence | |
No Pressure | |
No Questions (Questions are pressure) | |
No discussing the affair | |
No relationship discussions | |
Do not bring up divorce | |
Do not defend | Listen. (Some of your MLCer’s complaints are valid.) |
Do not blame or accuse | Validate (I’m sorry you feel that way.) |
Do not allow your MLCer to engage you into an argument. | Walk-away, hang up, delete… |
Protect your finances (You may need to remove yourself or your MLCer from various credit card accounts.) |
Do we receive a Mentor because we are new to the forum or new to MLC? Though I have not been on the forum for very long, my MLCer has been in MLC for quite some time. …I have been dealing with this craziness for over three years.New posters who start their own story thread will be asked if they are interested in having a mentor. We have Mentors who specialize in helping Left Behind Spouses in the early and most raw stages after Bomb Drop, as well as Mentors whose specialty is guiding those who are further along in detachment (which usually means they are more distant from Bomb Drop). Mentors are available for those who need them, regardless of how long ago their MLCer dropped the Bomb.
What will the role of a Mentor be?Below is the list of General Mentor Duties which is posted on the Private Mentor Board.
Welcome to the online community for MidlifeCrisisMarriageAdvocate.com. This site exists as an educational and supportive community for the purpose of surviving a spouse’s midlife crisis and/or infidelity regardless of whether the marriage survives or not, though it is based on that as a goal. Not all community members are Standers; it is for each individual to choose whether to Stand, or whether to step down. Not all community members share religious beliefs; this is a community for all Faiths; please be polite and respectful.
Mission Statement
- To provide information, advice and support on how to Stand for marriage to men and women experiencing midlife crisis and infidelity in their marriages.
- To prevent divorces.
- To reduce the overall rate of divorce.
- To encourage an alternative to divorce.
- To encourage personal growth and loving of one’s Self.
This is accomplished by…
- Offering a community for non-judgmental support.
- Teaching and encouraging Agape and Forgiveness for all people and all situations.
- Providing resources for continuing development and education.
- Offering individual Coaching
We make no judgments; all are welcome. This is a place of love and support, not a place to degrade and insult others—including your MLC spouse.
Though heavily influenced by Christianity, people of all Faiths are welcome.
Though most of us are heterosexual, we do not discriminate based on sexual orientation.
Newbie Welcome MessageQuote from: Newbie Welcome MessageWelcome, though I am sorry you find yourself here.
I want to introduce you to this forum and how it works as well as where you can go for survival resources.
I'm sorry if this message is late. I guess I should not call it maternity leave anymore—it's been over a year since we got our first baby, but I am now very busy with three toddlers/babies who I am adopting and at times I am able to get welcomes and mentor assignments complete only every few weeks.
Is The Hero's Spouse the Right Place for You?
Though all are welcome here, please consider whether your situation fits this site. This site is for midlife crisis and/or infidelity in marriage. The site articles are specifically geared toward midlife crisis situations and the mentors are versed in MLC—as that is what they are dealing with.
- Are or were you in a committed marital style relationship?
The Standing techniques are based on having been in a long-term co-habitational relationship. Dealing with a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship has different dynamics, especially if it has not been long-term, or if it has been long-distance for a large part of the relationship or you have not lived together.- Is your partner in the 38 – 56 MLC range?
There are outliers who are older than 56 and some in their earlier 30s, so being outside the range does not mean it cannot be MLC. But if your partner is in their 20s it is not MLC; perhaps they are having a Quarter Life Crisis or this could be a natural part of their maturation. If your partner is in their early 30s it could be a late QLC, early MLC or a natural part of their maturation.- Has your partner displayed at least some Key Components (http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/mlc.html#Key_Components_of_MLC) and Symptoms (http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/mlc_overview.html#Midlife_Crisis_Symptoms) of a midlife crisis?
Many and possibly most of you who come to this site are uncertain whether you are dealing with MLC—and most of you who are uncertain describe textbook cases of MLC. Most of you are typically afraid that this is just a case of falling out of love and not MLC. That's not how it works. Long-term committed relationships don't just end like that—often there is an affair going on or they are waiting to start an affair—which likely means it is already an Emotional Affair. Some of you are worried that it's depression and not MLC; Midlife Crisis is a depression; some qualify as Clinically Depressed and others do not or they may slip through detection due to their depression being covert. Some of you are worried because your MLCer seems milder—less or no Monster. Not all MLCers go wild and Monster; some are more Low-Energy (http://loveanyway.theherosspouse.com/midlife-crisis-and-infidelity/low-energy-wallow-lifes-pity-party/).- Has your partner's behaviour changed from what had been their norm?
If your partner has always or usually displayed some of the Key Components or Symptoms of midlife crisis, then it's not MLC; it is more likely immaturity—we see this most often in cases where the partner is outside of the MLC age range.
If You Answered No To Number 1, 2 or 4
The Mirror Work (http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/self-focus.html) articles apply to everyone including you, but the other sections are specific toward MLC and may misdirect you if you try and understand your situation through them. Most posters will usually assume a situation is MLC by default and offer you advice that does not fit your situation. In addition it may confuse others who may read a non-MLC thread and a mentor's advice that does not seem to conform to general advice for MLC.
The Newbie Mentor Program (http://loveanyway.theherosspouse.com/?p=330)
Have you heard about the Mentor Program? It is a FREE program for newcomers. Each new person who starts a story thread may have a mentor to guide them through the first few months. I will send you a Personal Message asking if you would like a mentor—since not everyone who is assigned mentors has continued to participate, we now only assign mentors to those who specifically let me know they want one. Having a mentor ensures that your posts won't get lost in the daily log of posting because it is someone's job to make sure to check on you. The heading above is a link to my description of the program. You can also check out the Mission Statement and Instructions for Newbies through the links in my signatures.
As a newly registered member you have a week of free access to the Coaching Archives where you can read coaching by me with others whose situations may be similar to your own. If you would like access beyond the free trial or you would like the greater privacy provided by the private forums, please subscribe to the private side of the boards for full access. Read here (http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/subscriptions.html) for subscription information and pictorial instructions for subscribing.
Coaching Archives (http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?board=5.0)Naming Guidelines
In addition, I have put the first few months of public coaching sessions into a pdf E-book: Left Behind! Dealing with Midlife Crisis and Infidelity When You Don't Want A Divorce Volume 1, Issue 1
It is for purchase as a pdf e-book for $9.99 at the Store. (http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/store.html) I will release subsequent issues every few months or year.(http://loveanyway.theherosspouse.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/11/Left_Behindv1i1_thumb.png) (http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/store.html)
I am repeating these guidelines which were included in the Registration agreement because we have a lot of newcomers who do not fully read these rules.
For privacy and security purposes, personal names--including surnames--are not allowed as your display name on the forum. It does not matter if the name is not your name since no one can tell the difference. Some MLCers have been able to discover their spouse’s threads because of this. Personal names that are not your own are not allowed out of fairness—we don’t know whether it is your real name or not.
This is a flexible rule in that some names are uncommon and may be flowers, months, deities… I also am not nitpicky regarding a name that is most likely an alias such as a celebrity name. So if you want to call yourself Bill or Hillary Clinton or George, Laura or Barbara Bush, be my guest! Clark Kent is also acceptable—though we are all Super!
I recommend selecting a positive name that shows your goals or emotions rather than a name that reflects pain and damage.
Instructions for changing your Display Name are here (http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=360.0).
How to Get to Reconciliation
That's the big question, isn't it? I am sorry to disappoint, but I do not have a system or formula to offer you. What I can do is provide information about MLC to help you understand what is happening and perhaps even a little bit of why. This is a place of support where LBS's share not only their stories, but also their successes—personal, but also Standing successes and so you can learn what works from each other—though what works in one situation may backfire in another. This is a place where we can support and guide you as you find your own way.
Perhaps Ready2Transform put it best:Quote from: Ready2TransformThe consistencies I've noticed across the board for reconnections, no matter what the contact type or energy level of the MLCer are:There is no technique, tactic, or formula more potent than strength, [self-trust] and honesty. It's unrealistic to say we do not affect them at all - we are the most important relationship of their adult life, no matter what the outcome. But underlying everything, I have seen from all of your examples that if I know who I am, if I know what I believe, and if I let that be my voice - not my husband, an expert, or even family and friends, as well meaning as they are - what others refer to as miracles will happen in my life. I believe that is the magic of our community, and if anything is to be stressed to newbies, that is it.
- The LBS becomes confident in themselves
- The LBS sheds any codependent tendencies
- The LBS finds strength in their intuition
- The LBS finds the strength to speak freely in their own power to the MLCer, unaffected by any potential outcome
Where Should I Start?
BE SURE TO READ THESE TWO LINKS
All articles on the main site can be found quickly by going to the
Table of Contents (http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html) tab from the menu-header on the main site.
That list only has articles for the main site, not the Blog.
A list of all blog posts can be found in the Blog Articles. (http://loveanyway.theherosspouse.com/?page_id=844) Select the Expand All link to see the entire list, otherwise it only shows the most recent month or two of articles.
The articles on the Main Site are divided into four Resource sections.
- Standing (http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/stand.html)
This is a mini section introducing the concept of Standing- MLC & Infidelity (http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/mlc.html)
Informational articles about Midlife Crisis & Infidelity- Mirror-Work (http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/self-focus.html)
Inspirational and instructional articles encouraging Mirror-Work- Standing Actions (http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/standing-actions.html)
Instructional articles about interacting with your MLCer
Unfortunately the organization of the Archives at the blog are automated by the Wordpress system and I have not figured out how to set up a system that will organize them in a better way (like by categories, months, years…), so they are simply chronological. I’ve tried or researched various site map plugins, but nothing has worked—it has to organize well and be compatible with the Wordpress template design, version and other plugins and no luck so far. :(
Love AnyWay Blog Posts
FAQ and Article Guide (http://loveanyway.theherosspouse.com/midlife-crisis-and-infidelity/midlife-crisis-resources-at-the-heros-spouse/)
This is sort of like an FAQ page, but not quite. I built the questions based on google searches that point to The Hero's Spouse and below the questions I have listed various articles on the main site and blog and occasionally the forum where answers may be found.
Important Forum Threads
A view into MLC from a MLCer (http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5388.0)
A view into MLC from a MLCer Part II (http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5388.msg345718#msg345718)
I think this should be required reading! It is an excellent hindsight explanation from a former MLCer. He does not defend or deny his actions and he has since done his Mirror-Work and was thus able to explain his actions and motives in a way that is not understood by someone in the midst of their own midlife crisis.
The first link is to the entire thread, post #1 is Part I. The second link is to Part II which is post #89.
BE SURE TO READ THIS THREAD
Survival Instructions for Newbies (http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=1149.0)
This thread has some of the main pieces of advice for newbies and a bunch of links to articles at the main site. So it gives you the read these first recommendations. The second post in this thread is Advice for Advising. I know you are new here and you may not feel like you can offer advice, but maybe you can or maybe you will in the future. This post is really just a review of how to cushion our language so as not to offend others.
There is a sticky thread at the top of the ublic community board which directs you to the resources board where I have posted additional resources (http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?board=34.0). This board is read-only. There you will find resources for learning aboutI have not made those links because the links may change as the threads fill up and are locked, but we connect continuing topics, so you should be able to click on the current thread and navigate back to the original.
- MLC & Infidelity
- Self-Focus
- Standing Actions
- Reconciliation Stories
- The MLCer’s Perspective
- Ask the Mentor
About the Ask the Mentor thread… This is a place where you can go to ask general questions—like an FAQ—or let people know you would like some attention over at your own story thread. A moderator may come along later and split off your questions to merge them to your own thread or to create a Topic Thread from your question. It’s not just for the mentors, anyone may come along and answer a question.
Progress
A quick word about Progress in MLC. Newbies think and want progress to be about emotional and relational improvement. If you are dealing with a Midlife Crisis, that is not how it works. That sort of progress comes later. MLC gets worse before it gets better, but if that is the case forward motion in the MLC tunnel—means that getting worse can be part of how a midlife crisis progresses (http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/standing-actions_progress_back-limbo-forward.html). It does not mean your situation is worse in the sense that your chances are diminishing. Sorry, but your spouse's behavior and attitude becoming worse is just part of what you are going to be dealing with.
How to Tell Your Story
So you are new to the forum and you want to post your story, but it's so long and there are so many details that are important. Will anyone want to read through your novel?
No. But not because it's long. They will wander after a few sentences because your story is practically identical to their story and most of the other people reading the board. People want to read your story, but they don't need the moment by moment details of the last 2-5 years of your life. They need to know about you as a person. How you feel, where you are stuck, how you have started to heal or why you haven't. They need to know what is different and a few specific elements that can help us know what type of MLCer you have.
I wrote a post over at the blog to help you figure out what to include and what to leave off—and that other stuff you leave off, you can tell us about it in a later post.
Read the entire article: How to Tell Your Story (http://loveanyway.theherosspouse.com/?p=1529)
How Can I Support the Site?
Some people support by subscribing to the private board even though they don’t need to privacy. This is great because those who do need privacy can benefit from having you post to them—the private board moves slower since fewer have access and so they need all the support you can offer.
There used to be a donate button, but now that there are items for sale in the store at minimal prices, you can support the site and get something in return! Available in the store is the first volume of the coaching archives (mentioned above) for $9.99 and a few other articles ranging in price. There are a few for $4.95 which are also available for free, though the versions for sale have been updated and may include sections not on the main site. And there are a few articles not available for free that you can purchase for $8.95.
Check out what's available at the store (http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/store.html)here.
But just as important is sharing. There is a lot of stuff for free on here—the articles and the main forum are free. And if you aren't interested in the items at the store or subscribing, hey that's fine! I think that the most important thing everyone of you can do to support the site is share it and share how it has helped you. I know that you may not want to talk about it on Facebook or Twitter where the outside world may see (and if you don’t care, then share it there! But how about just one friend that may be going through this? If you know one person, share it with them.
You can still spread the word if you don’t know one person. If the articles have helped you, I am asking you to comment on my Testimonials (http://loveanyway.theherosspouse.com/?page_id=1576) page—it's brand new. If you are too new, come back to it later.
My goal is to help people and to do that they need to know I'm here!
Would You Like Personal Coaching?
Would you like some additional support beyond what you are getting at the forum? Or maybe you don’t feel comfortable posting your story for others to read. Skype: All coaching is through Skype or by phone if Skype is not an option. Each session is 60 minutes.
You may request coaching by completing the Coaching Request Form. (http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/coaching_skype.html)
The Blog : Love AnyWay and Social Media
Don’t forget to check out the blog, Love AnyWay. (http://loveanyway.theherosspouse.com) You can read posts right on the site or subscribe to receive notices of posts (and a small excerpt) in your email and receive the personality disorder reviews from my popular article series Affair and Midlife Crisis Personality Dynamics, with special bonus additions available only to subscribers. (http://loveanyway.theherosspouse.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/e-book_freebie_thumbnail.png)
(http://loveanyway.theherosspouse.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/sign-up-button.png) (http://loveanyway.theherosspouse.com/?page_id=890)
We have a facebook fanpage. We are trying to build our fan base, so come check us out and like us!(http://loveanyway.theherosspouse.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/12/facebook_fan_page_button.png) (http://www.facebook.com/theherosspouse)
Check out our tweets and follow us on twitter!(http://loveanyway.theherosspouse.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/12/twitter_follow.png) (https://twitter.com/HerosSpouse)
Technical Stuff
Technical stuff is in the Forum Information Board. (http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?board=4.0) There are How To’s……and other information to help you get started or learn about the forum.
- How Do I get People to Post on my Thread?
- How do I start a thread?
- How to Quote in Posts
- How To Report Technical Problems
- How to Search and How to Search Threads Started by A Specific User
- How Do I Change My Display Name?
- How Do I copy & Paste a Link - Link to my old thread?
- What’s that mean? Acronyms
- Coaching & Subscriptions
- Forum workings
- Mission Statement
- Posting Guidelines: Starting a Topic (Thread)
- Registration Agreement
I'm not sure how I came across this, but the e-book is called 'Break free from the affair'.
http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com/
As with all things - MLC is not as simplistic as a garden variety affair (if there is such a thing), but I thought there was a lot of valuable information there. It also talks of a great technique called Charging Neutral.Where you're able to say things, but with the emotion removed.Charging neutral
Be neutral instead of communicating fear, worry, angst or anger.
Calm
Be neutral with both voice and body. Don't speak with a charge in your voice.
Send messages that express a truth.
Intended to spark a reflection and possibly action in the other person (in MLC though, don't hold your breath or anything!). The message bypasses the defenses of the spouse. Finds it difficult to defend themselves. The truth cannot be ignored.
Stand in the shoes of your spouse.
Imagine and feel what it's like.
Do not use 'I'. It's about him. Message refers to actions, behaviours or dynamics of the spouse. Refer to truth about spouse, life or situation.
ExamplesHow you present the message is as important as the message itself. Keep it short and sweet. No lectures. Speak and then let silence prevail.
- It must be easy to lose yourself with her. You don't seem to think much beyond your R with her. You must wonder how long that can continue.
- It is very normal to throw yourself at another person when you feel so empty (really? )
- It is very easy to question a marriage when prince charming comes along.
- You can throw away an old pair of pants when you get a new one. But, the new one also becomes old.
- Your need to fill your emptiness is overriding your integrity
- It seems to me that there is this great hole in you, and you think the other person will fill it.
- Do you ever wonder whether she is as great as you think she is?
- You seem to give all your energy to her and not have much left.
- Do you really know what you are doing? Any doubts?
- It seems you are more and more out of control of your life.
- Do you ever think about the kind of model you are to your children?
- There must be quite a battle within you.
- Sometimes it seems you do nothing but run and don't know where you're running to.
- You seem to put your eggs all in one basket without consideration for long term consequences.
- You know these feelings you have for her will fade don't you.
- You must feel like a teenager sometimes, I wonder if that is how you really want to feel?
- You seem to skip along the surface of life. Once I was enthralled by that but not any more.
- A part of you wants to commit to her, a part of you wants to commit to our marriage.
- A part of you wants to be close, another part pulls back and stares into space.
- Hey, you're muttering under your breath, shutting down, walking away, rolling your eyes and I'm really tired of the game.
You are making comments - not inviting conversation or argument.
If they defend, explain or attack: I respect your thoughts. But I don't agree. I don't care to argue about this. I was just making an observation.