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11
Our Community / Re: Take my time or admit defeat
« Last post by Phoenix on Today at 02:11:56 PM »
Be careful here, KitKat. If this is genuinely what your solicitor is saying, it still sounds off. Yes, you could BOTH have to sell the house and split the proceeds if neiher of you can buy the other out, but it continues to sound like your solicitor is saying your husband automatically gets the house and can tell you and D when to leave. NOT SO. If, as you say, there are not enough assets for you both to have a reasonable standard of living, your D's needs should come first and then you and your husband will have to manage the consequences equitably. It is not HIS money regardless of whether he is the financial provider and you are the care giver with your own intrinsic and economic value. These are marital assets, including the salary he earns, and your solicitor best be comprehending this or look elsewhere. I have seen some horrendous situations for LBSs that would never have been allowed to happen if another attorney/solicitor had been representing the LBS. I understand it's stressful to get another opinion and even possibly another solicitor, but stay vigilant. Do not add your husband coming back, you remarrying, or getting a job with a living wage and benefits (more an issue in the US), into your equation when determining a fair settlement. This too is a pitfall for too many divorcing women. When negotiating a settlement, assume you will remain single and may not have a high job income. Then if things go differently from that, it's icing on the cake, but you were prepared.

While I do agree, and often warn LBSs, that it's important to make very sound financial decisions and not get caught in the sentimentality of the family home at the risk of economic security (there are mortgages, taxes and home maintenance to account for), your solicitor is not your parent. It isn't her decision what is best for you and your D. She can share her opinion with you so you can weigh the information, but it is not her place to decide she doesn't want you to have a mortgage. It's your job to know your rights and your situation inside and out and to let her know what you want. Then, if it's legally and financially feasible, it's her job to advocate to the fullest extent for you. 

I assume you also receive copies of all of the financial documents your husband is submitting and are carefully monitoring and confirming that he is listing every single asset, his full salary and benefits/bonus, and not being dishonest or withholding anything to give him an unfair advantage. The person who must advocate most for you and D in all of this is not your solicitor; it's you. Keep a careful eye on all of it.

Phoenix

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Our Community / Re: Is this early-onset MLC or am I just insane!?
« Last post by DianaDeBelflor on Today at 01:59:12 PM »
I am not surprised by what he said.  I am sure what he said didn't make you feel good and, therefore, it's abuse. He sounds just like my H. Giving you orders and you need to comply. Next time, tell him you are not in the military and you don't follow orders.
That is what I have always done... I think I'll try a new approach. I plan to be nice and charming and amiable every time he's acting this way towards me... unless he tells me again that he has no wish to share a house with me. If he does that again, I will offer to help him pack.

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It's very hard to think clearly and know how to react when your H is emotionally checked out and you are hurting. It helps to give him different names for the different personas he exhibits and treat them accordingly so you don't get sucked in to try to talk to H when, in fact, you are talking with John.
I used to call him "Grumpy" to his face last year. He hated that. 

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Regarding OW, there is nothing to be jealous of. She is garbage. You need to know that generally the behaviours your H exhibited throughout the marriage very likely would be magnified during Monster phase accompanied by entitlement and lack of empathy, and a strong desire to cause you pain.
I'm not jealous of her, per say. And that's something that I find odd. What I feel is pangs of guilt because sometimes I wonder if I shouldn't love him enough to let them be happy. What if she loves him deeply and sincerely?
 
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So, yes, he will try to recreate your life but at a much faster pace because he feels like he has lost all these years being married to you. And then, he will speed up by trying to add extras and try on different personas to achieve his eternal delusional happiness. That's why it feels like he is running and there is no way to stop him. You can't do anything regarding him, you will try and then feel exhausted. You just need to slow down and put the focus on you and think what you want. He will keep running and he will stop eventually when he decides.
LOL I wonder when that will be!
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Our Community / Re: The Best Revenge
« Last post by DianaDeBelflor on Today at 01:52:29 PM »
Haha thank you Diana. I know what you mean!
Good! Now, tell me where you are going and when. Because, girl, you need to go get a man to buy you a drink.
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Our Community / Re: The Best Revenge
« Last post by Velika on Today at 01:50:04 PM »
Thank you. This is helpful advice! I'm terrified they are going to badger me for the rest of my life. My aunt was extremely disordered and triangulated like this. It took a lot for me in my twenties to finally escape her. So imagine that I had finally felt free from this and now am getting it inflicted where it hurts so deeply, as a mother. Unlike my aunt, I can't abandon my son.

This is part of the trauma, I don't know when it will end. I thought early on my ex would at least feel ashamed of his behavior or apologize for hurting my feelings. Now here I am all this time later and he seems like he can't abate. Even his sister joined in! I feel like I am a juicy carcass. Why am I so tasty? I wonder this often. Why do the disordered find me so delicious?

Diana, thank you! I am just not ready to date yet. This situation has been so traumatic for my son and me, and I am worried that if I attempted to date someone at this point I would attract the wrong person. Maybe once I am fully financially independent I will feel ready.
Then get dressed, go to a bar or a pub, sit alone by the bar and let a guy buy you a drink. It doesn't have to be more than that.

The week after my husband asked for a divorce, I went hiking. I was wearing skin-tight black pants and a tight black hoodie. I went to a coffee shop to get a cup of coffee for the road. Usually my husband and I would go there together. Well, I walked in alone, and every man in that coffee shop looked up and stared at me and kept staring until I left. I was so shocked that I couldn't bring myself to make direct eye contact with any of them. And you know what? It felt good - so damn good!

I think every woman needs to feel this at least once. That includes you.

Haha thank you Diana. I know what you mean!
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Our Community / Re: Or, roll your eyes and think WTF.
« Last post by Kitty on Today at 01:44:24 PM »
Thanks FN, Morte, and Helpingme!

As much as I hate to say it, I wouldn't have been able to do this if I had been living with Grumpy. We either wouldn't be able to afford it because he would need the money for the garage, or because we were working on the garage I would be too tired to do the shopping and food prep to make this easier. Or he would have kept suggesting we eat out instead of me cooking and I would have caved to his request. So I guess you can call this a silver lining in MLC land.
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Our Community / Re: Is this early-onset MLC or am I just insane!?
« Last post by needinput on Today at 01:40:03 PM »
I am not surprised by what he said.  I am sure what he said didn't make you feel good and, therefore, it's abuse. He sounds just like my H. Giving you orders and you need to comply. Next time, tell him you are not in the military and you don't follow orders.

It's very hard to think clearly and know how to react when your H is emotionally checked out and you are hurting. It helps to give him different names for the different personas he exhibits and treat them accordingly so you don't get sucked in to try to talk to H when, in fact, you are talking with John. 

Regarding OW, there is nothing to be jealous of. She is garbage. You need to know that generally the behaviours your H exhibited throughout the marriage very likely would be magnified during Monster phase accompanied by entitlement and lack of empathy, and a strong desire to cause you pain.
 
So, yes, he will try to recreate your life but at a much faster pace because he feels like he has lost all these years being married to you. And then, he will speed up by trying to add extras and try on different personas to achieve his eternal delusional happiness. That's why it feels like he is running and there is no way to stop him. You can't do anything regarding him, you will try and then feel exhausted. You just need to slow down and put the focus on you and think what you want. He will keep running and he will stop eventually when he decides.

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I read that we need to be detached to the point just shy of checking out.  Caring but not concerning is my thoughts about it .  I still love and care for H but I can't be concerns about his shenanigans.  Worry about what benefits me.  That is what he is doing now.  What benefits him?   Not my concern! 

H is not High Energy but he is not a wallower either.  He doesn't sit around and spill his guts.  He ran away, he had the OW (she is still on the ropes out there somewhere as a friend) he has barely said a word to me about the whole ordeal. 

He moved home and was very reserved and is loosening up but now he is like a mosquito at times.  Always buzzing around and landing then pulling away and trying again. 
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Our Community / Re: Thread 28 - Well, THAT didn't take long.....
« Last post by UrsaMajor on Today at 01:29:50 PM »
Job well done, UM!  Watched the launch live!  I assume that was you in the black shirt in the back row.  Interesting project indeed!  Hopefully yo can now take some t8me and get yourself some much needed rest!

And Bailmor gets the prize for "Find the Bear!"

Yep, that was me
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Our Community / Re: Man, dealing with an MLC'r is just brutal
« Last post by sampsed on Today at 01:25:27 PM »
Following along.  Live in's are tough but you are strong and will figure it all out!

Keep focused on you!
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Our Community / Re: Is this early-onset MLC or am I just insane!?
« Last post by DianaDeBelflor on Today at 01:19:01 PM »
Don't do anything for him anymore unless he does something in return for you. You should put yourself first. He didn't mind taking you off the wife pedestal and hurting you repeatedly.
You're right. He didn't. He just stared at me with those cold dead eyes.

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Well, to me, MLCers do abuse the LBS emotionally, verbally, financially, etc.
Here is a string of texts he sent me a week after he started talking to this girl:

"I'm asking nicely to have my house for myself and my friends. You do not have to come here."
"This is not your home anymore. I'm moving on, you need to too."
"Tell my family I'm on a 12 month deployment, that'll buy you time to find an apartment."
"Don't try playing that card. You need me more than I need you."
"If things go well with this girl, I'm going to want to pursue more. She knows the situation, but if we like each other, we want to live together when I get back. I'm trying to be nice, but I have no interest in sharing a living space with you."
"Or I could throw all our stuff in storage and close out the apartment. Also, all you're doing is convincing me to divorce you early."

This... this was emotional abuse and threatened financial abuse, wasn't it?
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