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21
Our Community / Re: The Best Revenge
« Last post by DianaDeBelflor on Today at 01:11:49 PM »
Diana, thank you! I am just not ready to date yet. This situation has been so traumatic for my son and me, and I am worried that if I attempted to date someone at this point I would attract the wrong person. Maybe once I am fully financially independent I will feel ready.
Then get dressed, go to a bar or a pub, sit alone by the bar and let a guy buy you a drink. It doesn't have to be more than that.

The week after my husband asked for a divorce, I went hiking. I was wearing skin-tight black pants and a tight black hoodie. I went to a coffee shop to get a cup of coffee for the road. Usually my husband and I would go there together. Well, I walked in alone, and every man in that coffee shop looked up and stared at me and kept staring until I left. I was so shocked that I couldn't bring myself to make direct eye contact with any of them. And you know what? It felt good - so damn good!

I think every woman needs to feel this at least once. That includes you.
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Our Community / Re: Is this early-onset MLC or am I just insane!?
« Last post by needinput on Today at 01:11:48 PM »
Well, to me, MLCers do abuse the LBS emotionally, verbally, financially, etc.
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Our Community / Re: Is this early-onset MLC or am I just insane!?
« Last post by needinput on Today at 01:10:27 PM »
Don't do anything for him anymore unless he does something in return for you. You should put yourself first. He didn't mind taking you off the wife pedestal and hurting you repeatedly.
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Our Community / Re: The Best Revenge
« Last post by bvFTD on Today at 01:06:22 PM »
Great points, DianaDeBelflor.

Velika:

You can show them (and more importantly, your son) your strengths by not allowing this joke of a couple to intimidate you or weasel into the sweet world you've built for your son. Don't be afraid of seeing the giantess. She should be hiding from you in shame, but we all know she is incapable of shame, embarrassment or humility.

Please tell ex he can't see your dog. He lost the privilege of being around his pet when he abandoned his family. I would also ignore all emails from your ex, but if you feel some of them may pertain to your son, just glance at them and only respond to important ones that require some action on your part (eg., son is sick and needs to see a doctor, but ex has to go out of town). Aren't all visiting and custody details already hammered out in the divorce decree? Do not respond to his emails or texts when he "sends other information." Who cares what information he's sending? Ignore.

You ask what does he want that he thinks you can give him? I doubt if he knows, Velika. Could be whatever rambling, disordered, disjointed thought that enters his busted mind at any given moment. You already gave him the perfect life and he threw it away.

Keep that sick relationship forged in Hell out of your life. Hold your head up high when you see them, Velika.
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Our Community / Re: Is this early-onset MLC or am I just insane!?
« Last post by needinput on Today at 01:05:53 PM »
No, I wouldn't do it even if there was a long term separation. I don't like being part of someone else's mess.
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Our Community / Re: Is this early-onset MLC or am I just insane!?
« Last post by DianaDeBelflor on Today at 01:05:43 PM »
Everything you do from that point on should be for you only. If you think this is the right decision for you, then execute. Your H should not be considered in any decision you make. His priorities have changed, and yours have to change as well. Your consideration of him will not snap him out of MLC, it will only push him to cake eating. However, make sure if you do something that he would see as an attack by you on him, then accompany it with support in other areas that would compliment his good behavior (if there are any). For example, I reported H to his superiors but would always make sure to thank him for emailing me documents.

Like Velika said, it's like they are in a trance, they feel invincible, empowered to do whatever they want. Re OW, this is not love, it's infatuation. The problem is for him to stop his affair equates to getting off of drugs. Why would he want to get off the drug when it makes him feel like God? Eventually, the  OW will not be able to sustain his addiction and he will start resenting her because she doesn't make him feel like God anymore. It just takes time.
It's actually really hard. Until a month ago, everything I have done was always about him. He did not see it that way, I know. He didn't see or appreciate a lot of the things I did. I drove 5 hours each way to see him every weekend. When he asked for a divorce, he said that I was doing it to get a break from school - he didn't think that I was doing it to be with him. Hell, I had a kidney infection over spring break and when he texted me to ask me to take his gear to get stitched, I got in my car and went - kidney pain be damned. That was a week before the BD. So... this is new for me.

At the rate he's going, how long do you think it will be before he burns out?

Quote
If I were you, I would do the same. I would not enable his drug addiction. His choices affect you. Because of this, you have the right to take action. If his choices don't affect you, then by all means, help him destroy himself. He needs to see consequences of his actions. However, you should not be facing the consequences with him and been abused.
You think I've been abused? Or that I'm in danger of it?
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Our Community / Re: The Best Revenge
« Last post by kikki on Today at 01:02:48 PM »
Ah, glad it's not a usual occurrance Velika. 
Having three sons, I can certainly attest to the forgetfulness which doesn't necessarily get better with age  ::)

I completely understand your feelings of vulnerability and exposure.  This has to be one of the worst betrayals and with disordered MLCers and OW involved, it feels doubly exposing.   Especially when they live in the same area as you.

Agree with Reinventing, as time goes by (and as you establish yourself financially) it does get better.
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Our Community / Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Last post by MourningDove on Today at 01:02:18 PM »
XH pounded the nail straight through the coffin with me months ago. He has moved on and it would seem he is determined to keep hammering away. S is growing weary of it, but D is really digging in. He started yesterday afternoon again with her and then waited until it was her usual bedtime, although I am doubtful he has any clue as to what her schedule is. Or maybe he does and it is part of his manipulation. He texts her during school and late at night. Back and forth - in a passive-aggressive manner. It is exhausting for me and for D. Now it seems he spent more time today doing more of the same.

D said she would deal with him and when she asks for my help it just fuels his continued monster. She has decided to just use me as a sounding board. Her comment last night to me was that she feels sorry for him and has some compassion as he is clearly struggling with something, but she is not willing to keep putting up with his behavior. Her comment was "it is time for me to just let him go and he needs to figure out how to get help".

I was ready to call him and lay him out in lavender, but it wouldn't help. I might feel better to vent, but the reality it would bounce off of his MLC exterior and not even pierce part of that shell. And his monster will keep finding energy. It is best to let him burn out on his own.

I had decided to change my approach back to a more positive direction yesterday after class. The fire I was feeling was in response to the administrator and my frustration, but I also knew part of it was pent up energy left from the XH encounter. I needed to channel it. By doing so my stress level went down and I was able to accomplish what seemed impossible.

S's boss told me to come over around 2:30 yesterday. I got there and he was in a meeting with a client. I talked to one of the women in the office. S was out on a job and this woman told me how much they love S and what a truly good worker and young man he is. I didn't want to take up too much time, so I told her to have the boss text me when he had time free. He called me half an hour later and was so apologetic. I was cracking up. I said he should never apologize to me, who is asking him for a favor when he was running his business. He was worried I drove all the way there and I reminded him I only live 3 minutes away, it is not exactly a problem to drive back over.  ::) ;D

He met me in his "outdoor office" because it was too nice out and why be inside? I explained the project and the hiccup to a degree. He said since I have the file already laid out and to scale the only thing he would need is the plywood sheet and the file saved in a different format. I am able to do both easily. He said when I get those things to just call him when I am 5 minutes away and he could have it cut in half an hour. He was more than happy to help me out, especially since it was a school project.

While I was there he asked me to stay a bit longer. He proceeded to tell me that he is sorry to be losing S to college, but he is willing to let him work any hours he can. He has a S and D of his own, but said to me he really thinks of S like his own kid. I have seen that in action as he has really taken S under his wing. He then asked me a personal question regarding XH. He said S does not talk about it and I could tell him to take a flying leap. He knew XH prior to MLC. He knew he was a good F. I gave a quick "kind" synopsis. He and his first W divorced years ago, so he knows it is not easy, but he never gave up being a F. He said he knows marriages are tough, but to leave his kids, especially when they are such good kids is mind boggling.

Before I left he then asked what was going on with my own situation. I laughed and asked what in particular. He said he and his W want to know when I am coming to take over their marketing. I told him to just let me know what he is thinking. He is noodling it through how to bring me on board. LOL

I got home and immediately texted my coworker "and that is how it gets done". He called me within seconds. He never calls me. I thought something was wrong. He was so excited that I had a solution so quickly. He too had been busy with some covert action. He enlisted the help of a couple of the IT teachers who are adding working light relays, etc to this.

When we presented it to the class the energy and enthusiasm changed today. They wanted to know how I managed to get this done. I said I asked and sometimes that is all you have to do - ask for help.

In the interim my student who is the big teddy bear told me that his M burned up his permission slip for the field trip today. I had a perplexed look on my face. He doesn't usually share much right away. He said it was because his M was drunk and they had a disagreement. He said his M is one of those angry drunks. I was careful as to not push too hard, he lets these things out when he is ready. I was able to find out that he lives with his F and step M, who he really likes. I had him go call his step M, as she is listed as one who can give permission. He was cleared for going. He thanked me.

When the kids left I thought about a conversation I had last night. It was about how many F'ed up situations I encounter. A question was posed to me last night about what Xh might be replaying. I already have thought about this several times, but after that was asked combined with this scenario this morning I realized I am not going to get nasty with XH unless absolutely necessary. This is not about being a doormat. This is going back to how is my energy best used. I would rather work more jobs and help my kids than to replay the scenario XH had. His parents spent years fighting and the resentment and bitterness settled in.

What will it cost me - money. But the greater price to pay would be my own sanity and the effects on my kids. My kids might still have their own issues after all of this - IDK. But right now, I have control over how I react. As long as XH pays support I will forgo the college argument. In the long run it is unfair and maybe some would say it is a battle I should fight. But, I will be happier if I have to work harder to help the kids achieve their goals than if I keep having to deal with the monster and I see more of what I am seeing now. If he chooses not to pay he will have little to no say in what happens with them. It will be their decision based on his actions. It will not be because of something I have done while fighting with him.

He can go continue to fight with his inner demons.
29
Our Community / Re: Is this early-onset MLC or am I just insane!?
« Last post by DianaDeBelflor on Today at 12:59:35 PM »
Well, I never thought of letting my H go because he has to choose to love me as I am his wife. The OW has no business in your marriage. I see it as a personal attack on me by the OW because I can see my H is not in the right state of mind. The OW didn't mind spending time with a married man and spending his money when that money should be spent on the wife instead. So, NO, you are not a horrible person. The OW is. You do what you can to protect yourself.

I would never entertain the thought of inserting myself in someone else's marriage even if there are "issues" with that marriage. Any man who approaches me (and there have been two so far) while I am still married knowing that I will probably be getting divorced is garbage for me. I don't want a man like that. Someone who tries to use the situation to get what they want. Similarly, this is the type of woman your H is getting - a POS.
And there are days when I feel that too.

When he and I first met, I got the impression that he had a girlfriend. Until he clarified that he did not, I had completely lost interest in him. I could never see myself dating or sleeping with a man who is still married. Maybe if he had a long separation and was fighting his wife over assets... But she began this fling with him a week after he asked me for divorce. I don't understand. I don't understand her at all.

Maybe she is madly in love with him. Maybe I'm wrong about her. I just don't know.

He and I moved very fast. We started out as a long-distance relationship. After a month of chatting, we were dating. A month after that, he started dropping hints that he would like to marry me. Six months after that he came to see me and we had sex. Four months after that we were engaged. A year later we eloped and got married.

With this girl, it's like that, but even faster. Only... only he's married. And he's 30. Should it really be this fast? Should it be faster than it was when he was 21 and we were just starting out? Or am I just jealous of her?
30
Our Community / Re: The Best Revenge
« Last post by Reinventing on Today at 12:59:35 PM »
Yes, of course, a major way to bond is to talk about me. I feel terribly exposed and humiliated that this OW has heard all of my personal fears, shortcomings, and personal information from my ex husband. I don't mean to say I have a lot of secrets, it's just that she now knows my vulnerabilities and past traumas. When this all started, I would receive texts from my ex that appeared to have been authored or co-authored by OW that sometimes directly addressed these points.

It's sometimes hard to remember the abuse thrown your way those early days (and that he seems to try to continue).

I did the freezing thing as well until about 3 years after BD and then it went away. You will get better.
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