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91
Our Community / Re: Anyone else have a vanisher? 15
« Last post by DianaDeBelflor on Today at 10:09:34 AM »
Diana, It's hard to say since it's only been a short while since your last contact. 
(p.s. just a little note, is your username your real name? If so, you might consider changing it as this is not a private forum.)
I have a hard time figuring this man out. When he dropped the BD, he said that he wanted to be friends with me, but he goes on to treat me the way he did a year ago - ignoring and being hateful when we are in contact. He acts as if I was the one who hurt him.

(LOL No! Diana de Belflor is the pretty lady in my avatar pic - she is an entirely fictional character)

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I was reading through this thread and thinking how many of us have vanishers who didn't start out as vanishers.

I think if mine had vanished right away, I might not be questioning so much still 3 years on.

Also, if he hadn't vanished right after I got cancer, making it look as though he ran because I became "defective" (or more defective, in his eyes) or something.

And if he hadn't shared a few details of his "secret" new life in our last actual text conversation in late May and then acknowledged my birthday for a change this year and then immediately disappeared. If he had been monstering or cruel or we'd had some big blow up, it might make more sense.

But no, it was him starting to initiate contact for no reason in the spring, sending me pics of my dog, then opening up a tiny bit, then me getting sick and then...poof, he's gone.

I replied to his birthday text the day after he sent it with just a "thank you" and then, as all the advice says, I left him alone and didn't contact him at all.  So I have no idea when he actually changed his phone number.  I think it was sometime in the fall but the fact remains that I haven't heard from him since my birthday 9 months ago and he did change his contact information.

I do wonder if the death of one of his old high school buddies in September (opiate overdose) caused him to spiral and start replay all over again or something. Who knows.
Sounds like someone who pops in and out. Not a boomerang, per say, but not a vanisher either. Do you think you'd be happier if he just vanished? I'm beginning to suspect that I might be.

I'm also 90% sure that he will stop all contact with his family. If he changes his phone number, he will never let them know. Going forward, whatever contact I will have with him will be more than what his mother will have. Isn't it sad?
92
Our Community / Re: The Good Wolf and the Treasure Chest
« Last post by Kitty on Today at 10:09:00 AM »
Attaching Treasur. I'm glad you're able to talk with your uncle to help get through your grief.

I loved working in our garden, I'm going to miss that this summer. Although Grumpy says he is still going to plant this year.
93
I'm sorry waiting.  I can just hear the pain in your words.  I wish I could give you a big hug in person.

You vent here all you want, you've earned it..dang it!

This is what kills me about these MLCer's, they are so selfish and so totally into themselves they can't see for one second how badly they are hurting us.  Like some "human" button got turned off.

You just do what ever you need to, waiting.  He's going to be angry over anything you do so do what ever you want.
He doesn't just get to have a marriage vacation with no consequences.
94
Our Community / Re: Anyone else have a vanisher? 15
« Last post by Treasur on Today at 10:03:50 AM »
Well, Nas, I guess you can always contact him via Twitter right? The public nature of that is a practical consequence of his choices, I guess.

But please slap down the bit of your head that is saying 'he vanished because I'm 'defective'...no, he vanished because he's defective.
95
Our Community / Re: The Best Revenge
« Last post by Treasur on Today at 10:00:28 AM »
From the outside, V, IMHO he wants you to make his 'new happy' feel more normal, validated and comfortable, and he wants to use you as a metaphorical punching bag/fixer.

Your instinct seems to be saying Build A Bigger Bubble, V.....but somehow you're afraid of conflict or his emotional response if you say no or ignore him? I think your gut might be right...this is no longer your H, just your son's father. Build a Bigger Bubble feels wise. Ignore more. Say no more to things like the dog - tough, he left the dog too, not your problem. Is it hard for you to say no usually in a calm emotionless way?
96


 If I didn't have so many of the conversations I have had with Hubby in writing I would honestly believe that I am insane ..  he is rewriting again...

from the moment he left he said he wanted a long term separation, didn't know what the future holds, didn't want a divorce because that would be final .

at times i had asked him if wanted the separation to be Permanent .. his reply was always " Ive never thought about that "  I have at times asked if he wanted a divorce ..his reply has always been.. " if i wanted a divorce i would have filed for one when i left "

so now he is saying he has always wanted this to be a permanent separation..and the fact that i will not share him and just live with whats happened  he wants a divorce without attorneys involved...

So what were the times he was all nice and telling me hes thinking about coming back?!?!?!
So what were the times he said he just needed me to be sweet and just be there for him?!?!?!

Is this the "WORSE" everyone has told me about?

He has still not hired an attorney.. he has still not filed anything.. but says i am making his life miserable..I guess i am , im not doing what he wants me to do.. to go sit down in the corner and shut my mouth and be happy with what he decideds i should have..

I just want to say to him.... Look you self centered firetruckn  SOB.. if you want me to shut up, and you arent doing anything behind my back.. then turn over ALL of the  financial information.. ( sorry about that , i just lost my christianty for a moment )

He said " I have been very angry at you over this recent nonsense" .. wow.. I am upset that  he's moved away and bought a huge house with OW and the financial situation is just crazy.. but to him its nonsense..

Its upsetting that outsiders paint this as a "breakup of a marriage"  this is beyond a breakup.. My husband left for another woman, and from day one has obviously told her complete lies.. he has talked out of both sides of his mouth the whole time.. and outsiders see me as just a bitter left behind woman that cant move on... then you try to tell people what he is doing and they just look the other way..

but have no problem labeling me crazy, bitter, jealous, vindictive.. etc.. and this OW is innocent, sweet , hard working, honest,and needs to be protected at all costs..

I'm standing here at almost 56 yrs old. my life has been blown to pieces by a man that I loved, adored and trusted for over 30 years..and ive got this 36 yr old husband poacher knowing the man she is shacking up with is married and she is literally looking at this as every thing coming out of his mouth about our marriage is the truth.. and I keep thinking to myself .. why isn't her thoughts more along the lines of..  "Hey you are with me now, get the divorce or get out of my life"  but instead she is in the middle of this absolute cruelty to me, our daughter and our lively hood..

I know people do not believe that i have filed to protect myself as best i can but my H  continues to do all he can to stop it.. my rational and logical thinking says clearly this shows there is something wrong with my H.. He left me.. he is living with OW.. He will not see me, talk to me on the phone or even step foot in out marital home. he will not see or talk to our daughter...BUT his bills come to our home.. He pays everything that needs to be paid..His checks go into our joint bank account that we have had for 36 years. He has not changed his address, nor changed it on his drivers licences...has never once filed for divorce, has never once put forth any kind of monetary settlement to me ..But im the one being looked at like im crazy..

I just needed to vent today...I feel overwhelemed holding all this together and it hurts so much that everyone that knows my H are just turning their eyes ..im not playing the victim.. i have so much to be thankful for... but  it just hurts ..

when is the mask going to come off OW...when is my H going to look around and look at her and realize that i am not his enemy .. that i am hurt and upset.. but that i love him.. that after all this i am still standing here..when will he see that i am giving him true and honest love..
97
Our Community / Re: Anyone else have a vanisher? 15
« Last post by Nas on Today at 09:53:28 AM »
Diana, It's hard to say since it's only been a short while since your last contact. 
(p.s. just a little note, is your username your real name? If so, you might consider changing it as this is not a private forum.)

I was reading through this thread and thinking how many of us have vanishers who didn't start out as vanishers.

I think if mine had vanished right away, I might not be questioning so much still 3 years on.

Also, if he hadn't vanished right after I got cancer, making it look as though he ran because I became "defective" (or more defective, in his eyes) or something.

And if he hadn't shared a few details of his "secret" new life in our last actual text conversation in late May and then acknowledged my birthday for a change this year and then immediately disappeared. If he had been monstering or cruel or we'd had some big blow up, it might make more sense.

But no, it was him starting to initiate contact for no reason in the spring, sending me pics of my dog, then opening up a tiny bit, then me getting sick and then...poof, he's gone.

I replied to his birthday text the day after he sent it with just a "thank you" and then, as all the advice says, I left him alone and didn't contact him at all.  So I have no idea when he actually changed his phone number.  I think it was sometime in the fall but the fact remains that I haven't heard from him since my birthday 9 months ago and he did change his contact information.

I do wonder if the death of one of his old high school buddies in September (opiate overdose) caused him to spiral and start replay all over again or something. Who knows.
98
Our Community / Re: Who Knew - same33's 3rd thread
« Last post by Treasur on Today at 09:53:21 AM »
Many of us have some PTSD hangover effects, I think. Partly because someone we trusted is threatening our emotional or physical security, partly because we live in an extended period of uncertainty with limited control over some things that really matter.

I took ADs for a little while. They did take the edge off my depression because frankly I was actively suicidal at 12 months post-BD, but they didn't do much for the anxiety. Walking helped. Breathing techniques helped. Learning a bit more about my physical early warning signs of anxiety building to an overload point helped.
99
Our Community / Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Last post by Kanvan on Today at 09:50:35 AM »
Thank you, in it. The verbal is what gets me the most. That is why I have refrained from answering his texts. His parents are very supportive and she called me the other day when he went off on a rant with me. He texted her and told her what a sorry, loveless, selfish b*tc# I was. I admit that it hurts but I have to realize it is him and not.

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The BEST thing you can do is let the OW bear the brunt of his anger. These two deserve each other and you deserve some peace.
Exactly.
100
Our Community / Re: Anyone else have a vanisher? 15
« Last post by needinput on Today at 09:49:53 AM »
Diana, your H could go through different phases as RP mentioned above or he could just maintain one phase. I think most vanishers have an on-and-off communication style but with much longer time period between contact. You will be able to better differentiate the styles in retrospect.
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