Author Topic: My Story Reassembling - is there a manual?  (Read 1508 times)

Online MourningDoveTopic starter

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My Story Reassembling - is there a manual?
« on: April 05, 2018, 07:02:05 AM »
The process of reassembling this new life seems to go along smoothly for awhile and then life throws a curve ball. It is in those moments I sometimes wish there was a manual for this "rebuild". Those pieces I have carefully put back together somehow don't quite fit or get messed up again.

But, unlike many months ago the shake ups don't bring me to my knees. When I look back at the BD era, anything out of place would have just seemed like the world was coming to an end. Everything was magnified.

Now, even bigger moments are a bit easier to navigate. Some of it is the bulk of the drama the MLCer brought to the mix is avoided. XH comes to remind us he is still in his tunnel. The monster still has life in him. But, those moments are not nearly as frequent. It makes a huge difference in my ability to focus on my own fragments and putting things in order.

I still wish there was a manual, though ::)

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9868.150

Online Thunder

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Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #1 on: April 05, 2018, 07:33:21 AM »
It would be helpful, wouldn't it?   ::)

Welcome to your new thread, Mourning. 
 :)
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Online MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #2 on: April 05, 2018, 10:29:46 AM »
When you are "newly" divorced there is an interesting thing that happens. Often "well intention" people, namely those who think they are your close "friends" who want to help you out. In my case - this is an outer circle "friend". She is a nice person, but someone who does not "really" know me. They know me in social settings and on a very limited basis.

I got a call from this "friend" this morning. She knows I am single now. That was the first little warning going off for me. Curious as to where this was going, I decided to let her keep talking. She wants to set me up with a guy she knows. She goes on to tell me all about him. I am channeling the movie Caddyshack suddenly - just saying - LOL and not in a good way. She said "he really needs someone like you. Oh?

He is very straight-laced and needs someone who is not afraid to be fun and shake things up. She went on and on about him. Okay - he has a job and pays his bills. I will give him that.

But, my response was "No thank you. I am pursing other avenues" response (not sure which avenues, just not this one ::)

What cinched my response was in fact the comment "he needs someone like you". I know those things happen and I am okay in the long run of having some sort of Ying/Yang thing going on. What I am not wanting is to be what someone "needs". Want is a different thing. Need on occasion - sure. But, I do not need to be the thing that "fixes" someone somehow.

And maybe he does not need fixing or want fixing. What if he is happy being who he is? If that is the case, I know based on who this is, I am not willing to twist myself into someone that somehow "fits" in his idea of what he wants. This goes beyond opposites attract.

She was persistent. I did not give in, but she tried the approach of I must be lonely and the lack of social life has to be tough. I didn't let on. I had drinks and a late snack last night with my S and another LBS. I may have plans again later today. I simply told her I am fine and adjusting to my new life.

I will give her a pass- she "thinks" she knows what this is like. She has no clue. TBH - she is a bit naive anyways. She seems to think I am some sort of wild child, when some of my favorite times are far from "wild". I am just more outgoing in some situations - but not the way she thinks. I will speak my mind, but I am not swinging from chandeliers at parties. LOL.

People are pretty funny ::)

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #3 on: April 05, 2018, 11:44:03 AM »
My sister sends me a new dating ap every day. She’s on a mission. She’s also probably still in her MLC.

Omg—huge red flag in “needs someone like you.” Oh hell no!

And maybe you could write that manual for us! 😁
Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Online MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #4 on: April 05, 2018, 11:53:07 AM »
KeepItTogether - LOL - maybe these people are trying to live vicariously through us  ::) Luckily, I have avoided the "dating ap" suggestions.

I am glad I am not the only one who saw "red flag". I was beginning to think maybe I am just gun shy  ::) The one word "need" - scares the daylights out of me. Nope - running the opposite direction down that "fictional avenue" saved for moments just like that one. LOL  ;)

As far as writing a manual - hmmm - I have a lot of what not to dos in my manual from all of my stumbling along  ;) That, I am quite proficient at. LOL ;)

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #5 on: April 05, 2018, 08:30:22 PM »
Continuing on with you, MD.

Don't ship the commissioned piece yet.  Still getting snow and single digit temps for lows.  It's getting old.   :(
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Online MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #6 on: April 05, 2018, 09:05:39 PM »
stillbaffled- the piece was loaded onto a flat bed today. It was supposed to be picked up on Tuesday, but the weather wreaked havoc on the trek. It will go into storage until the weather is cooperative and then the installation will take place later on. When I get that information, I will let you know.  :)


Offline Reallytrying

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Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #7 on: April 05, 2018, 09:27:39 PM »
Someone at work suggested I get on match.com this week. I think people struggle to understand that we aren’t clamoring to replace crazy with more crazy. Nothing wrong with meeting someone you like but the fact that we aren’t bending over backwards to make that happen is perplexing to many.
I agree the needs someone like you would be a red flag for me too.

Offline Milly

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Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #8 on: April 06, 2018, 07:48:16 AM »
Attaching, MD. I wouldn't want anyone who 'needs' me either. I felt the word 'need' right away when you wrote it. And yet when I was young I would have felt flattered if someone needed me. I would have felt important, like I could go in and fix that person and they would be so happy with me for it. I guess that was the controlling part of me. I'm so glad I don't like the idea of fixing anyone any more.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D23, D20, S13
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Online MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #9 on: April 06, 2018, 08:55:45 AM »
Reallytrying & Milly - it is funny, the word need is such a hot button for me now. I don't mind occasional need. But, I now almost equate need with more like when my kids were little and "needed" me. I don't want to be "needed" that same way by another adult.

Yesterday's little "thoughtful gesture"  ::) made me think back. I was fortunate for many years my XH and I were true partners. Looking back though, I now realize my XH, in fact needed me, but it was not in an unhealthy manner early on. He just knew he could count on me - I was his rock. The problems really arose when we had a client take us for a huge monetary ride. His family dismissed his reaction. He had done nothing wrong, except to trust someone who was underhanded. I am sure the feeling of failure was a small kick start to his MLC, but the bigger part of it now I see was not the monetary loss, but the reality that his biological family was not there for him, with the exception of one person - BIL (the one D is staying with). That BIL could not do much, as he was stationed abroad at the time. He at least would call and check on XH regularly. He would also call me separately, which XH never knew. He would get an accounting from me and would support me.

I think about that moment and then the "needs" became slowly more "needy". Problem is, I realize there were many times I began to enable his behaviors. Many times it was just easier not to battle him. Other times, it was because I convinced myself he had a rough upbringing.

None of this matters in the MLC scheme of things - I know it was not something I could have stopped. I never was looking to fix XH, but I certainly facilitated some of his behaviors. I accepted his issues.

After having gone through this MLC thing, I just know being needed on occasion is fine. I want to be desired and wanted, but not in unhealthy ways. I don't want to fill a void for someone. Add to their life is a different story, just as I would hope that I can some day have someone who doesn't complete me, but adds another layer to my life.

Last night, I went and met up with my visiting LBS friend and we went out for a late dinner. It was nice to get out and just "be". I had promised a mutual friend of ours that I would take him to a restaurant that was her favorite before she moved. I half joked if I didn't take him there she would in fact have me drawn and quartered -  ;D

We sent her a picture to prove we had in fact gone there and he ordered her favorite thing on the menu. We were enjoying a beer and it was about 10:15. The dining room had pretty well cleared out. This is a nice restaurant - it is not typically known as a bar type atmosphere, so what happened next was rather comical.

The wait staff started to clear off the walls. We looked at each other, clearly curious. Then the tables were being moved. No one was pressuring us to leave. Then the rugs were rolled up. Okay - we decided it was truly bizarre. The waiter was very forthcoming. We didn't have to leave, but the local college students meet up on Thursdays for a regular Beer Pong tournament. We both decided we were not up for a game of Beer Pong - LOL ;D

This morning, I drove into work and realized it should be the "weekly meeting" that XH had suggested. I have heard nothing in regards to that. No additional check has materialized. I laughed thinking it was rather amusing that if I wanted to push the issue, I could argue that my tuition waiver was my contribution, and the third of the expenses should be based on the total bill. LOL.

But, I don't feel like battling. I am trying to keep my life in a more peaceful place. I know battles will be coming, and have to happen in some instances. As my friend and I said last night it for those of us dealing with X's that are still deep in the tunnel, it comes down to "do I want money, or do I want peace". In this case - the cost of battling with XH is a chunk of money that would help, certainly, but it is not worth my sanity and the stress it causes.

It is not being a doormat. In fact, it is in many ways empowering to decided what choice I am making. I am choosing to have peace over the funds. Is it unfair? Certainly. But what is the price I want to pay to be happy?

I will continue to push back on occasion, but I like the place I am heading.

In spite of having conversations about MLC last night, it is not the same as it was months ago. I can feel the change and it still filters in, but it is a different sensation. It is more like what someone once described as an injury  you had years ago. When I was a kid I experienced a broken arm. The break was serious and required metal plates for a time. I remember the accident and the pain, etc. That arm still aches from time to time with weather changes, but it is a dull ache and rare. That is what the MLC is starting to feel like.

 

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