Author Topic: My Story Reassembling - is there a manual?  (Read 1586 times)

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3194
  • Gender: Female
My Story Reassembling - is there a manual?
« on: April 05, 2018, 07:02:05 AM »
The process of reassembling this new life seems to go along smoothly for awhile and then life throws a curve ball. It is in those moments I sometimes wish there was a manual for this "rebuild". Those pieces I have carefully put back together somehow don't quite fit or get messed up again.

But, unlike many months ago the shake ups don't bring me to my knees. When I look back at the BD era, anything out of place would have just seemed like the world was coming to an end. Everything was magnified.

Now, even bigger moments are a bit easier to navigate. Some of it is the bulk of the drama the MLCer brought to the mix is avoided. XH comes to remind us he is still in his tunnel. The monster still has life in him. But, those moments are not nearly as frequent. It makes a huge difference in my ability to focus on my own fragments and putting things in order.

I still wish there was a manual, though ::)

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9868.150

Online Thunder

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 16493
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #1 on: April 05, 2018, 07:33:21 AM »
It would be helpful, wouldn't it?   ::)

Welcome to your new thread, Mourning. 
 :)
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3194
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #2 on: April 05, 2018, 10:29:46 AM »
When you are "newly" divorced there is an interesting thing that happens. Often "well intention" people, namely those who think they are your close "friends" who want to help you out. In my case - this is an outer circle "friend". She is a nice person, but someone who does not "really" know me. They know me in social settings and on a very limited basis.

I got a call from this "friend" this morning. She knows I am single now. That was the first little warning going off for me. Curious as to where this was going, I decided to let her keep talking. She wants to set me up with a guy she knows. She goes on to tell me all about him. I am channeling the movie Caddyshack suddenly - just saying - LOL and not in a good way. She said "he really needs someone like you. Oh?

He is very straight-laced and needs someone who is not afraid to be fun and shake things up. She went on and on about him. Okay - he has a job and pays his bills. I will give him that.

But, my response was "No thank you. I am pursing other avenues" response (not sure which avenues, just not this one ::)

What cinched my response was in fact the comment "he needs someone like you". I know those things happen and I am okay in the long run of having some sort of Ying/Yang thing going on. What I am not wanting is to be what someone "needs". Want is a different thing. Need on occasion - sure. But, I do not need to be the thing that "fixes" someone somehow.

And maybe he does not need fixing or want fixing. What if he is happy being who he is? If that is the case, I know based on who this is, I am not willing to twist myself into someone that somehow "fits" in his idea of what he wants. This goes beyond opposites attract.

She was persistent. I did not give in, but she tried the approach of I must be lonely and the lack of social life has to be tough. I didn't let on. I had drinks and a late snack last night with my S and another LBS. I may have plans again later today. I simply told her I am fine and adjusting to my new life.

I will give her a pass- she "thinks" she knows what this is like. She has no clue. TBH - she is a bit naive anyways. She seems to think I am some sort of wild child, when some of my favorite times are far from "wild". I am just more outgoing in some situations - but not the way she thinks. I will speak my mind, but I am not swinging from chandeliers at parties. LOL.

People are pretty funny ::)

Offline KeepItTogether

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3321
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #3 on: April 05, 2018, 11:44:03 AM »
My sister sends me a new dating ap every day. She’s on a mission. She’s also probably still in her MLC.

Omg—huge red flag in “needs someone like you.” Oh hell no!

And maybe you could write that manual for us! 😁
Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3194
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #4 on: April 05, 2018, 11:53:07 AM »
KeepItTogether - LOL - maybe these people are trying to live vicariously through us  ::) Luckily, I have avoided the "dating ap" suggestions.

I am glad I am not the only one who saw "red flag". I was beginning to think maybe I am just gun shy  ::) The one word "need" - scares the daylights out of me. Nope - running the opposite direction down that "fictional avenue" saved for moments just like that one. LOL  ;)

As far as writing a manual - hmmm - I have a lot of what not to dos in my manual from all of my stumbling along  ;) That, I am quite proficient at. LOL ;)

Offline stillbaffled

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3611
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #5 on: April 05, 2018, 08:30:22 PM »
Continuing on with you, MD.

Don't ship the commissioned piece yet.  Still getting snow and single digit temps for lows.  It's getting old.   :(
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3194
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #6 on: April 05, 2018, 09:05:39 PM »
stillbaffled- the piece was loaded onto a flat bed today. It was supposed to be picked up on Tuesday, but the weather wreaked havoc on the trek. It will go into storage until the weather is cooperative and then the installation will take place later on. When I get that information, I will let you know.  :)


Online Reallytrying

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3070
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #7 on: April 05, 2018, 09:27:39 PM »
Someone at work suggested I get on match.com this week. I think people struggle to understand that we aren’t clamoring to replace crazy with more crazy. Nothing wrong with meeting someone you like but the fact that we aren’t bending over backwards to make that happen is perplexing to many.
I agree the needs someone like you would be a red flag for me too.

Offline Milly

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1068
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #8 on: April 06, 2018, 07:48:16 AM »
Attaching, MD. I wouldn't want anyone who 'needs' me either. I felt the word 'need' right away when you wrote it. And yet when I was young I would have felt flattered if someone needed me. I would have felt important, like I could go in and fix that person and they would be so happy with me for it. I guess that was the controlling part of me. I'm so glad I don't like the idea of fixing anyone any more.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D23, D20, S13
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3194
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #9 on: April 06, 2018, 08:55:45 AM »
Reallytrying & Milly - it is funny, the word need is such a hot button for me now. I don't mind occasional need. But, I now almost equate need with more like when my kids were little and "needed" me. I don't want to be "needed" that same way by another adult.

Yesterday's little "thoughtful gesture"  ::) made me think back. I was fortunate for many years my XH and I were true partners. Looking back though, I now realize my XH, in fact needed me, but it was not in an unhealthy manner early on. He just knew he could count on me - I was his rock. The problems really arose when we had a client take us for a huge monetary ride. His family dismissed his reaction. He had done nothing wrong, except to trust someone who was underhanded. I am sure the feeling of failure was a small kick start to his MLC, but the bigger part of it now I see was not the monetary loss, but the reality that his biological family was not there for him, with the exception of one person - BIL (the one D is staying with). That BIL could not do much, as he was stationed abroad at the time. He at least would call and check on XH regularly. He would also call me separately, which XH never knew. He would get an accounting from me and would support me.

I think about that moment and then the "needs" became slowly more "needy". Problem is, I realize there were many times I began to enable his behaviors. Many times it was just easier not to battle him. Other times, it was because I convinced myself he had a rough upbringing.

None of this matters in the MLC scheme of things - I know it was not something I could have stopped. I never was looking to fix XH, but I certainly facilitated some of his behaviors. I accepted his issues.

After having gone through this MLC thing, I just know being needed on occasion is fine. I want to be desired and wanted, but not in unhealthy ways. I don't want to fill a void for someone. Add to their life is a different story, just as I would hope that I can some day have someone who doesn't complete me, but adds another layer to my life.

Last night, I went and met up with my visiting LBS friend and we went out for a late dinner. It was nice to get out and just "be". I had promised a mutual friend of ours that I would take him to a restaurant that was her favorite before she moved. I half joked if I didn't take him there she would in fact have me drawn and quartered -  ;D

We sent her a picture to prove we had in fact gone there and he ordered her favorite thing on the menu. We were enjoying a beer and it was about 10:15. The dining room had pretty well cleared out. This is a nice restaurant - it is not typically known as a bar type atmosphere, so what happened next was rather comical.

The wait staff started to clear off the walls. We looked at each other, clearly curious. Then the tables were being moved. No one was pressuring us to leave. Then the rugs were rolled up. Okay - we decided it was truly bizarre. The waiter was very forthcoming. We didn't have to leave, but the local college students meet up on Thursdays for a regular Beer Pong tournament. We both decided we were not up for a game of Beer Pong - LOL ;D

This morning, I drove into work and realized it should be the "weekly meeting" that XH had suggested. I have heard nothing in regards to that. No additional check has materialized. I laughed thinking it was rather amusing that if I wanted to push the issue, I could argue that my tuition waiver was my contribution, and the third of the expenses should be based on the total bill. LOL.

But, I don't feel like battling. I am trying to keep my life in a more peaceful place. I know battles will be coming, and have to happen in some instances. As my friend and I said last night it for those of us dealing with X's that are still deep in the tunnel, it comes down to "do I want money, or do I want peace". In this case - the cost of battling with XH is a chunk of money that would help, certainly, but it is not worth my sanity and the stress it causes.

It is not being a doormat. In fact, it is in many ways empowering to decided what choice I am making. I am choosing to have peace over the funds. Is it unfair? Certainly. But what is the price I want to pay to be happy?

I will continue to push back on occasion, but I like the place I am heading.

In spite of having conversations about MLC last night, it is not the same as it was months ago. I can feel the change and it still filters in, but it is a different sensation. It is more like what someone once described as an injury  you had years ago. When I was a kid I experienced a broken arm. The break was serious and required metal plates for a time. I remember the accident and the pain, etc. That arm still aches from time to time with weather changes, but it is a dull ache and rare. That is what the MLC is starting to feel like.

Offline Milly

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1068
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #10 on: April 07, 2018, 05:45:55 AM »
Good post, MD. I was reading it last night and decided to leave it open to reread this morning.

This following quote of yours:
"I think about that moment and then the "needs" became slowly more "needy". Problem is, I realize there were many times I began to enable his behaviors. Many times it was just easier not to battle him. Other times, it was because I convinced myself he had a rough upbringing.

None of this matters in the MLC scheme of things - I know it was not something I could have stopped. I never was looking to fix XH, but I certainly facilitated some of his behaviors. I accepted his issues."

These words you wrote were me exactly. I accepted my H's issues and probably facilitated his behaviours. I know this now. Would it have made a difference if I had stood up to him? I do think that maybe yes. A bit like a parent that puts their foot down. It's hard to do because they will not be happy about it at first. I do believe that by facilitating my H's behaviour, I allowed him to become a bigger mess for himself. But maybe not, who knows.

Regarding not wanting to pursue your H with all the money he should be providing, I totally get how you feel. I feel like this, too. In fact, if I could afford to live without his financial help, I would and just be done with him completely.

I have asked myself if this is being a doormat. At times yes, because I feared him getting angry and hating me even more. Now, I just want peace. I know that nothing will make him want me more. Now I want to live without angry emails, repercussions because I demand maintenance, lawyer letters to try to achieve it, and then it's a circle that keeps repeating itself.

I get it. If you can afford to be without his contributions, do it. In fact, then he'll be totally responsible for his own life.  And for most MLCers, if left completely to their own, they are going to make a huge cock up of it, emotionally and financially. I would love to say to my H keep all your money, because I know he will either go completely bankrupt or he will have to wise up like we did at BD, and readjust his life style.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D23, D20, S13
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3194
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #11 on: April 07, 2018, 07:21:06 AM »
Milly - I have done a lot of thinking over throughout this. I got plenty of scenarios thrown at me by well intentioned people, when they found out my XH had moved out.

Lots of opinions regarding XH. He was not "easy" to deal with. He was intense by many people's standards at times. I liked that about him - his passion. Once he left, there were plenty of "arm chair" therapists who had assessments. Those who know me well saw when I tripped into a more enabling relationship with him. But, they also agreed with my own assessment. I never went into it wanting to change him or fix his issues. He was actually working on them in the early part of the marriage.

It was the client taking us for money that lit the first little fuse, but his M's death brought MLC rolling in.

I own my own failures and really had to look introspectively. I beat myself up for way too long. I allowed his MLC behaviors to change who I was. I had things of my own to fix.

I think it is revisiting these things and being honest with myself that has helped propel me forward.

If I move on to a new relationship someday, I in many ways hope I go into it with the ability to accept my partner's flaws and while some might annoy me, that part of me - that acceptance, that I hope I can maintain. But, on the flip side, I hope I am also much more aware of those moments where I did facilitate things by ignoring or allowing certain behaviors to happen, even by simply not addressing them. That cannot happen again.

It is not in the hopes of somehow avoiding problems or escaping another MLCer. I have no idea what the future brings in terms of "who" might enter into my life for the long term. I do know more than ever I am only in control of my own actions and reactions. It was maybe a benefit to all of this MLC madness.

Offline Mrs.Smiling

  • Trial Subscriber
  • Sr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 443
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #12 on: April 07, 2018, 07:33:04 AM »
Quote
"I think about that moment and then the "needs" became slowly more "needy". Problem is, I realize there were many times I began to enable his behaviors. Many times it was just easier not to battle him. Other times, it was because I convinced myself he had a rough upbringing.

I can also agree with this statement. The more that I have looked back at his behaviors, his childhood, his compulsive need to lie. I did nothing about it. I resorted back to his "childhood". How awful it was for him. I enabled his behavior. I think that Mr. Smiling and I both agreed on that one day earlier after this last run away.

I thought by him going to counseling it would help him start healing from his past. What I didn't realize is, as much as he went, he truly was not ready to accept his past and the present damage he has caused. So when he said counseling "became too much". I knew he wasn't ready. For years I enabled him. I look at it now and think, if I didn't enable him as much as I did. What would he have been like? Would he have still be in the position he is now? Probably. His started a little bit after his D passed away at an early age.

I also agree with the financial aspect. If I didn't have to depend on a portion of his income, I wouldn't be financially dependent on him and I could let him be to his mess...But I'm working on that issue now.
For the time being you just have to do what's right for you. What will work for you..
We all do.

Smiles :)
Be the best version of yourself... there is no other

Offline No expectations

  • MLCer Type: Clinging Boomerang
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 3163
  • Gender: Female
  • One day at a time. And time is my friend.
Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #13 on: April 07, 2018, 02:59:47 PM »
Following along, Dove.  I always look forward to your posts.
Married 10 1/2 years, together 17.  BD 9/2016, 2nd BD 10/16.  H moved out 10/16.  2 AS's from my first M.  Me 55, H 49.  OW 23.

"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through; how you managed to survive.  You won't even be sure if the storm is really over.  But one thing is certain; when you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person that walked in...that's what this storm is all about."

"The trick is to enjoy life.  Don't wish away your days, waiting for better ones."

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3194
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #14 on: April 08, 2018, 05:42:17 AM »
I had a busy day at the gallery yesterday.

Miss Management had scheduled her S originally. I knew that would not last. The rest of the staff are on vacation this week. I didn't care if I had to work. I like the gallery and there was a community event going on, so traffic is usually pretty steady, even with cold weather.

Sure enough, a couple of weeks ago, she called me and said he couldn't work after all. Then on Thursday, she asked me if I could work later. I pushed back. I hadn't made plans, but I was not going to let her know that. She said her S could maybe come in and help later in the afternoon and he could lock up. Fine. I was prepared for that not to hold either.

Her S came in. He is really a very sweet young man. But, at 22 he is like a 10 year old because she controls him. When I got to work, she had been there and left him a bunch of post its. Some with things to do and another on his snack in the kitchen. Not instructions. The post it was on a couple of pieces of fruit, telling him that was his snack. It made me laugh on one hand, but I must admit it also saddened me. How is this kid ever going to function in the real world?

He came in and worked along. He is afraid to do anything without being told. He wanted to know what to do. He kept asking me at every turn. Then the phone rang. His M was working her other job. She forgot her dinner. He needed to bring it to her. I could see him panic. I told him to go and I would stay to lock up. It added another hour and a half to my shift, but it was busy and I don't mind the bustle. It was a manageable crowd.

My coworker and I had made loose plans to go to the movies if his STBX actually was going to stick to her plans and stay home. It was her weekend for their S. But, as has been the pattern, she wanted to go out and party, as it was a Saturday night. My coworker called mid afternoon and as I told him, his S is his priority and I know how much he loves that kid.

At the end of the day, I stood there flipping the sign staring at the Main Street. I was heading home to a quiet house. It wasn't a bad thing. I was looking forward to going to the movies, but it was not ruining my day. I knew D was having a great time in Florida and S was working on his antique tractor project at XH's. The kids were happy, as far as I knew.

I stopped at the grocery store and grabbed something to prepare for dinner. A text came in. It was XH. He sent me a photo of D and SIL. He "wanted to share". He then said he would drop off a check for S's schooling this week. I wasn't in a mood to have a conversation with him. I already had seen the picture - BIL sent it to me earlier. I simply sent a "Okay, thanks".

D is on her way home this morning. She seems ready to come home.

The sun is out and while it is cold, it feels like one of those car rides where I am going to crank the heat up and roll down the windows to take in the fresh air. I know I will get plenty of crazy looks. Let them look. Maybe they have never truly experienced the cold fresh air coming in. LOL ;D
« Last Edit: April 08, 2018, 05:49:17 AM by MourningDove »

Online Mortesbride

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1239
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #15 on: April 08, 2018, 05:54:28 AM »
Sometimes an unexpected free day to yourself ends up being better than a planned day. :)

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3194
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #16 on: April 08, 2018, 05:01:40 PM »
I picked D up at the airport late this afternoon. I was greeted with a huge hug and an "I love you". She was chatty on the way home.

I heard about how she finally beat her uncle at Scrabble - a game she is very good at, but he is amazing at it. BIL shared the score with XH and his response, which in the past D would have taken as her F teasing her, did not go over well. D said her F said it must be that D either cheated or his B let her win. D was not amused and said considering he has not been much of a F, his jokes are not funny right now. Apparently, BIL was not amused either. And D knows how XH's family is very competitive - there is no way my BIL let her win. He would be gracious and tell her she won fair and square.

XH continued his stupid comments with finding out that D drove the pontoon boat for the first time and hit the dock lightly. He made fun of her for that. SIL and BIL did not take that well and said she did incredibly well, considering steering something like that is not exactly as easy as a car.

BIL was visibly upset D was leaving. He had a couple of health scares the past few months and SIL said he is seriously considering quitting his job and truly retiring to spend more time with the kids. He used his special privileges to go into the security area and make sure D was on that plane. He waited until she took off. He texted her when her flight was supposed to arrive. SIL texted me and said they missed her terribly already and want to come up and visit soon.

Yesterday, it seems they took D car shopping. I knew this might happen. They have no children of their own. D was not comfortable with this and felt awkward as if she was being a bit of a brat if she expressed anything. They started showing her cute sporty cars but BIL decided based on where she was going to school she needs a safe vehicle that has 4 wheel drive. He will research the heck out of this. D asked me how I felt about all of this. I said I know they will not do this without talking to me. I can't stop them and I guess why should I? As long as D does not expect these things, and they are not using this as a bargaining chip of some sort, I really have little concern. I told her my only concerns might be how the cost of insurance and fuel economy. D said she also knows this will cause a rift with some of her cousins. I said that is not her problem. The others have never reached out to BIL and SIL. My kids have always been close to them.

That lead to the next part of the conversation. D said BIL and SIL both said that none of the other family members took time to reach out to them. There was jealousy amongst the siblings and XH's parent's divorce drove a wedge. XH tried for a long time to stay in contact with them, but SIL and BIL said I always opened our house to them. They said I was the one who invited them to family events. I guess I never really thought about it. I was the one who did, but it was not something I gave any specific thought to, as it was a sincere invite. I always liked my SIL and BIL.

As we drove home, D said SIL and BIL sent home a gift for me. It was a very simple, thoughtful gift. Something that had a significant meaning to all of us. It was a jar of Strawberry Butter. D was not really sure what it was about. I knew. It had to do with one Thanksgiving and that year I had learned how to can pears from our orchard. I sent home several jars of them home with them, as my BIL loves canned pears. I have not done them since that time. They knew I would understand that this Strawberry Butter came from a small farm stand and was unique.

D then surprised me with something that was a much more introspective thing. She has developed some OCD habits in the past couple of years. They have been somewhat noticeable and they lead to panic attacks and anxiety at times. We have been working through them. I had my suspicions about what was bringing them on, but it was a bit of a sticky point. She has been doing better. The physical therapist is all about mind and body healing, so he has worked with her.

On her trip she took a couple of self help books with her. She said she journaled a lot. She realized that she is a great deal like XH in some ways. She said some of the OCD is what makes her a good student, but she was quick to see that it is not always healthy. She said after a week of real reflection, her OCD went into overdrive and the anxiety arrived on the scene when XH decided to start going out nights and essentially quit being a father. I let her talk it through. I wasn't going to pile on. She is right. What came out of her mouth next was so important. She said she realized that this is her need to control her life because she had no control over the rest of her life that seemed to be falling apart. Her lightbulb moment was her need to control these things was causing her stress and she really needs to let go of that need for control. She realized she needs to embrace a bit of rolling with it and let go of the anxiety. She asked me to help her accomplish this.

By the time she had gotten that part of the conversation we had arrived at home. I got out of the car and embraced her. S drove in as we were hugging. He joined in and gave his sister a kiss on the head. He then asked what the hug fest was about. I said I was just happy to have her home safely. He knew better than that, but knew enough not to push. He picked her up with a bear hug and then she played like she was annoyed with him.

S said he was able to get his antique tractor completely finished and is ready to bring it home. He then told me how XH only buys Ben and Jerry's ice cream for himself. I shrugged and said that was a bit of a surprise, as XH used to stick his nose up at it. But the next thing S said made us all stop and start laughing. Apparently the dog only gets Ben and Jerry's as well. The comment was XH said it was "only the best for his baby". S shook his head and said he thinks the air must be thinner at the lake, because his F is really beginning to sound nuttier by the minute.

MLC is nuts. I have no idea who this guy XH is. I will keep my healthy distance when I can.
« Last Edit: April 08, 2018, 05:04:46 PM by MourningDove »

Offline UrsaMajor

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 5460
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone, you aren't a pizza
Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #17 on: April 09, 2018, 12:27:37 AM »
Quote from: MourningDove
After having gone through this MLC thing, I just know being needed on occasion is fine. I want to be desired and wanted, but not in unhealthy ways. I don't want to fill a void for someone. Add to their life is a different story, just as I would hope that I can some day have someone who doesn't complete me, but adds another layer to my life.

THIS!

This is EXACTLY why these people go into MLC - they expect someone - ANYONE - to fill that void. We are NOT supposed to encourage them or support them, we are supposed to FILL them... and when we can't, it all breaks loose....

The Car story was also cute.... as was the "Lightbulb Moment"
Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer is initiating D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3194
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #18 on: April 09, 2018, 08:25:10 AM »
UM - We cannot fill their void, nor can we fix their FOO issues.

This morning I said a prayer for my nephew and tried to shake off some anger that bubbled up. I will let myself feel it and then I will redirect it to something more positive, but right now, I am going to allow these feelings.

I have not seen my nephew in 20 years. He was there when my S was born, but they moved far away and neither of my kids have ever met him. He was 12 the last time I saw him. His younger B, S has met.

I vividly remember the last times I saw him. He was a sweet kid who was XH's God son and namesake. He was the oldest of the nieces and nephews that would follow. Back then, XH was aware of his family's need to hide things, to their detriment. That desire to put on a facade and pretend that they were perfect.

It was not something XH subscribed to. It was not until his parents both entered back into his life that XH adopted their ostrich mindset. It was to get their approval, no doubt.

My nephew was a brilliant, vibrant kid. He liked building things. XH and I were in the midst of building a doll house for my niece and he was mesmerized by the small furnishings XH and I had made for the house. The little lights we put in the house, etc. My BIL was not happy his S was into the dollhouse. He interpreted it as too "girly". XH and I both said it was not the dollhouse the kid was fascinated by - it was the craftsmanship. My nephew would go on to building model cars as a teenager. He had exceptional hand-eye coordination.

During that time, my nephew was struggling with school. They lived in a wealthy city that had good schools, but in a state where any extra help parents needed to pay for. I remember the fight XH and I had with my BIL and SIL. We had promised to take my nephew to the arcade for the day. His parents said he could go but only if he could find the phone number in the phone book as we were not sure of the hours and would have to call. I watched as that kid excitedly ran to the phone book and yet, he could not find the number. It was as clear as day. He could not read. His parents said he was just being lazy. We begged my SIL and BIL to get him the help he needed - tools to help him thrive. We argued what kid would be lazy about finding a phone number to an arcade. XH and I both taught at that time and worked with several tutors for our students. We suspected my nephew had dyslexia. They told us to butt out. It infuriated XH. We tried for years to push them to get him help. They didn't want to pay for the tutoring. They could well afford it at the time, which made it more tragic. The money was there as were the resources - they could have gotten him help. They made a choice well within their control.

So, it was no surprise to XH and I that my nephew went down a dark path. My FIL tried to say he could go into the Navy and that would straighten him out. I begged to differ, as the admission to any armed forces was not like it was when FIL entered. My nephew had learning issues that led to him dropping out of high school. By then there he had gotten into drugs. Had he gotten the right help, maybe the Navy would have been an option.

As time rolled on, my BIL and SIL wrote their S off. I understand the embarrassment, to a degree. I understand the need to have tough love. But I will never understand the depths to which my BIL, SIL and the rest of XH's family would go.

My X SIL - who I still speak to regularly, reconnected with my nephew fairly recently via FaceBook. He had gotten his life together. He had some health issues in the form of heart problems after years of drug use. I did not friend him on FaceBook, only because he had posted some seriously raw posts about his family. They were brutal truths - things like saying he was never good enough for his family and that the facade was all show. I didn't think it was the right place to air those truths. I didn't need fuel as I was going through the divorce and felt that reconnecting him at that time would be a bad idea via FaceBook. That said, had he called me or looked me up, I would have met up with him to see how he was.

He had never reached out to any of the family looking for cash, etc. My SIL said he had been clean for quite some time and I did see pictures of him - he looked amazing and happy.

D came home last night and asked me if I had heard. She said she doesn't believe XH nor S know. After she told me how this came out, I am staying out of it. My nieces were also friends with my nephew on FaceBook. They saw a post that he had died mid March. They asked my SIL. She looked into it and confirmed with the local powers that be in his state, that he had in fact died. She called my BIL, her X and told him, as he is not on FaceBook. He called sane BIL and told him that as the second oldest he should call my eldest BIL and see if this was true. Sane BIL called and got a huge cup of "mind your own business" and then both my BIL and SIL said to tell X SIL to mind her own business.

D said how effed up it all is. She said my nieces were upset and all my X SIL was trying to help them with their grief. It has set off another rift in XH's family.

When I went to school this morning I held it together, but on my way home, I felt tears coming down. I was a combination of angry and sad. I thought about that sweet little kid I knew and wondered what if they had given him the necessary tools instead of pretending all was fine. What path would he have taken?

It was not a need to stay lingering in the "if only's", but I thought about it for a bit. The lessons I took from it were that I have opportunities to try and give my kids and my students tools my nephew was not given. Whether or not they use them is their own choice.

I pulled my one photo of my nephew out. He is about 8 in the photo. A kid with a gleam in his eye and full of promise. I decided to add it to my collection of family photos I am have been putting out. I am not going to push his memory to the back of my mind.

As I was walking the dog, and really processing all of this, XH texted. He was stopping by to drop something off for S. He said he was driving a red truck. He is either delivering something or his SUV is in for repairs again. I was not far from the house and yet, I texted him back and said to put it in the garage. I had left the front door unlocked to the house, but I was not telling him that. He drove up as I was only several feet away from the house. I let the dog linger and sniff the blades of grass and I kept an eye on XH. He went to the garage and looked at me. He looked as if he expected me to come back to the house. I didn't.

His presence was not upsetting. The man I knew is no longer inhabiting his body. I don't really know this guy. I do know he has become his parents. He so wanted their approval and once they showed back up, he became them. Had they not reentered his life, I wonder if he would have gone so deep into MLC. But, that is only a quick thought. It doesn't really change anything. His FOO issues took over and are clearly in control. What all of this information about my nephew did was just confirm my X's family (minus sane BIL) will stop at nothing to protect their fake world.

They can keep their pretend world. I want no part of it. I pray my nephew is finally at peace.
« Last Edit: April 09, 2018, 08:28:27 AM by MourningDove »

Offline UrsaMajor

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 5460
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone, you aren't a pizza
Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #19 on: April 09, 2018, 09:18:39 AM »
Dove,

I am so sorry to hear about your nephew.... and about his family's reaction to it...
Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer is initiating D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3139
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #20 on: April 09, 2018, 10:30:24 AM »
I'm so sorry to hear about your nephew too. I guess it is all the more reason to honour your choice to fight so hard to create some stability and safe love for your S and D....and your D's insight about control when MLC turns the world into a crazy random place is very wise.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3194
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #21 on: April 10, 2018, 07:20:54 AM »
Thank you UM & Treasur. I got my tears out and moved past the sadness. As it is that I lost touch with my nephew 20 years ago, there is very little I know about his more recent life. I can't say that I miss him and I don't mean that to sound callous. My reactions were about the little boy that I knew and what he could have been. A sadness for a life lost.

I knew what would be following. And it is another round of sadness. But this sadness is more for my kids and for XH. This will send XH further down the MLC spiral. I wish I could say it will be his rock bottom, but it will simply push him further into the fog and possibly leave him there for more years than I can possibly imagine. I would like to have a more positive outlook, but the reality is too strong to ignore. Being that XH is so deep in the tunnel, this is not going to make him "snap out of it". How he reacts will filter down to the kids.

XH's eldest B (BIL 1) has had heart problems for years. He has had 2 bypass surgeries and should have had a 3rd, as he was told 3 years ago. He kept putting it off. He has never watched his diet, in spite of doctors insisting he change his ways at least a little. He is fairly fit, but should have been exercising and laying off some of the foods.. He developed diabetes along the way and that too he seemed to dismiss.

Having had a grandfather that was a strict "meat and potatoes" guy who had to have heart surgery, I know that a change in diet can make all the difference in the world. My grandfather modified his diet and exercised after his surgery. He lived another 20 years without any problems. He still ate his steak and french fries, but he would cut the portions and they were treats.

But BIL 1 at 62, has been a ticking time bomb.

XH and the other brunettes (3) all have good health and a fast metabolism. The red heads, like BIL 1 seemed to follow MIL's genetics. XH's one B, number 5 of the 6 kids, died a year ago in March. Now nephew. What is around the corner is the anniversary of MIL's death in a few days. March and April for XH have been rough for awhile.

BIL 1 was in the hospital a while back. I am willing to bet it was right around his S's death. It makes sense. Now, S received a text from XH's cousin that BIL 1 was in the hospital again and the only option now, because he waited so long, is a transplant. It doesn't look good.

S is ticked at his F. The cousin broke away from XH's wishes that the kids not know. This cousin, whom I have never met, is an addition in MLC. It has not been a bad thing. He has been very good to S and in some ways has replaced some of the parts XH has dismissed. XH's cousin never had children of his own with his long time girlfriend. He is the one that now checks up on S, to ask how the truck is progressing, etc. He has shown an interest. When BIL 5  was in the hospital and on his deathbed, S and XH had taken what was supposed to be a vacation. XH, instead, spent all of his time at the hospital. This cousin took S for the week and kept him occupied. S knew his uncle way dying, but was grateful to not have to watch the process.

So, while I have never met this cousin, I have been grateful for how he has been a good support for S now that XH is semi-interested.

This cousin knew S is close to his uncles. BIL 1, before MLC was always good to me. After XH moved out though, he himself was going through something and aside from sane BIL, the rest of the family circled the wagons. I am now considered the enemy. I can't say it didn't hurt at the time, but I am not playing by my in laws rules.

S was grateful for the information. He knows the possibility is his uncle will not survive. He felt he is old enough to handle the news and he said he would rather know than to be left in the dark and pretend that this is not happening, no matter how sad.

If BIL 1 does not make it, it will no doubt send XH into another level of darkness. His family, the one that blew up when his parents divorced is the thing he has been trying to throw a lasso around and pull back together. The only time the siblings actually all get together is for funerals. Beyond that, they have not been able to get along for years. XH was the one who communicated with all of them. I have lost count how many times this one wasn't talking to one of the others. There was always a feud going on and you never knew if they were still battling or had made up. It is all the residual of the toxic divorce. Sane BIL has said it as well - the divorce never ended for his siblings.

As XH's family continues to fall apart, he is having other problems. The SUV he had to have. The one that Schmoopie said he deserved is having mechanical issues again. It was one of those things he could have afforded before, but after dumping clients right and left it is a bit of a drain on his finances. S said XH has had to put nearly 4K into it over the past year and a half. I shrugged and said "choices and consequences". S smiled and said that was exactly what he was thinking.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3194
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #22 on: April 10, 2018, 10:08:58 AM »
XH dropped off a check last night. It was his third that "he" came up with as a solution for tuition. Fine. It is at least something. It is not the 60% he is supposed to pay for D's education, but I will take whatever he gives me at this point and shake my head as he thinks somehow this makes him a hero. If I pushed him on the true amount, the reality is he would welcome the fight and tie up things in court. I wouldn't see a dime for a very long time. I am really quite done with the legal battles. So, I will take what the "Great Benevolent MLCer" will part with. And it comes out about even, considering he was able to skate with the idea that S was emancipated.

The check was made out to S. S was annoyed, telling XH that I paid for the entire tuition and the check should come to me. XH knew this, as it was made clear at our "meeting" that evening. He repeated it back to us. He may have forgotten in MLC land. Minor annoyance.

I took it to the bank to deposit the support check and the tuition check which S signed over. Of course, the check that was signed over - post dated for the 14th. I sighed as the neighbor girl waited on me and shook her head with a knowing look. I told her I would be back with that check promptly on the 14th.

S came home for lunch. BIL 1 has pneumonia and XH has made light of it. Maybe he will be fine, but I looked at S and he agreed that this was not a good thing.

As I was plugging away at some little tasks around the house my computer notified me of a message. I thought I had pretty well shut down Xboyfriend. Nope. Seems he is back for more. He tried another tact, but it was still very transparent. I am not afraid of him. I have seen the posts he puts on FaceBook. I think I have a MLCer and a needy one at that. I was abrupt in my answer to his question. I gave him no more than what he asked.

My friend told me I should be flattered. I really am not. I think I might have to become the wall flower I was when I was in grade school. LOL. But, I don't see that happening either. My dear friend assures me this lets up - the weirdness. LOL. Gosh, I hope so.  ::)

Offline FaithWalker

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1849
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #23 on: April 10, 2018, 06:34:49 PM »
All caught up MD.  I'm sorry to hear about your nephew, and I'm sorry that you haven't been able to go out and have some fun with co-worker, his xW sounds like a piece of work, but you are right, his son comes first.

xH is also a piece of work.  I am sorry you have to continue to deal with that.  Looking forward to reading about the changes after D turns 18.   ;D
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9907.0#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline No expectations

  • MLCer Type: Clinging Boomerang
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 3163
  • Gender: Female
  • One day at a time. And time is my friend.
Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #24 on: April 10, 2018, 07:01:10 PM »
 Dove,

I'm so sorry about your n.  What a shame.   My oldest s has been addicted to drugs for more than half his life.  When I think of the person he could have been,  I just feel a loss.  How sad.

As for your d, what a great young woman she is turning into!  Both your children have been raised to think on their own.  Despite MLC.

You should be proud, my friend.
Married 10 1/2 years, together 17.  BD 9/2016, 2nd BD 10/16.  H moved out 10/16.  2 AS's from my first M.  Me 55, H 49.  OW 23.

"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through; how you managed to survive.  You won't even be sure if the storm is really over.  But one thing is certain; when you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person that walked in...that's what this storm is all about."

"The trick is to enjoy life.  Don't wish away your days, waiting for better ones."

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3194
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #25 on: April 10, 2018, 07:13:38 PM »
FaithWalker - Thank you. However, it is hardly anything close to what you have had to endure. I am so grateful your S did not succeed in his attempt. You have been in my thoughts.

No expectations - drugs and addiction are just so powerful. It is a sad thing. In my nephew's case I think it angers me because in his case his parents pretended he didn't have learning issues. I have to think in his case it certainly played a part. That said, I also know plenty of people, like my deceased BIL where addiction was something he was predisposed to. Addiction is a horrible thing for anyone to endure - and for their loved ones to witness. I don't know how you do it, No expectations - you have so many things you are dealing with and you stay so positive in spite of it all. Having a child with drug addiction must be pure hell. I cannot imagine.

I feel sad for my nephew and the circumstances. While sad, I have not seen him in years, nor spoken to him so it was more like losing someone I knew, not someone close - if that makes sense.

I have been out and about. My coworker's situation with his S makes our age difference a bit more noticeable. My kids are so much older at this point. I have gone through this stage. LOL. It is fine. We have fun at work and laugh a lot. That alone is a good way to spend time. I am grateful to have someone I can count on as a partner at work. His STBX is immature and he ended up with the toddler the entire week. It was funny, he never wanted kids because his sister has severe bipolar disorder and he worried about passing it on. His STBX wanted kids, but then had one and now doesn't want the responsibility. He has in turn become a doting, loving F. Because of that, I have told him that I would never be offended if he cancels on me because his kid is his priority. It is why I get along with him. He has his crap together.

I have other things coming up on my calendar to look forward to.

My walks now that the weather is better is a good way to fill my time. I am often easily entertained - LOL. The dog is happy I have gotten back to at least 2 good long walks each day. I will work it back up to 3 and with the good weather I have gardens to attack.

I have an exhibit I need to gear up for. I finally feel like getting back to being creative again.

My sister and I are having a good time messing with each other. I got her in trouble with my M - threw her under the bus. All in good fun and we are all laughing about it. My M finally realized we were pulling her leg and she has also taken the joke in stride.

My life is slowly coming back together. It is different, but not all bad. Companionship is lacking, but it is okay. That will happen when it happens. I am not going to force something. I realize more and more that I am not wired to date online, etc. It will have to be more organic than that. I will ease into that world at some point. Who knows?

XH is just deep in his tunnel. He is so far removed from the man that he was. So many of the behaviors are counter to what he was like. It is not as bad as it used to be. At least I see him infrequently and his games are more of an annoyance than anything else. They don't derail me nearly as much.

As for D - she takes it in stride for the most part. It hurts her, but she is able to laugh.

Yesterday she had a doctor's appointment. Her ankle injury happened what will be 2 1/2 years ago, but the actual surgery was 2 years ago on the 15th. XH was like a caged animal the day of the surgery - leaving part of the way through, coming back and then once we got home he couldn't be bothered to stay. His explanation was she was going to sleep, so he left for several days to work on his cottage. He would only go to about 2 doctor visits after that. The doctor has mentioned it to me. For the past 2 1/2 years we have spent countless hours there. For the first few months we were there nearly weekly. Then it was every couple of weeks. The past 8 months we had at least been able to go monthly. Yesterday was the first day we were able to extend out the visits to 3 months.

Physical Therapy has been the same. She has gone 2-3 times a week for the past 2 years. XH has gone once or twice. He never went in, just dropped her off and waited for her.

They were having dinner together last night. As we were sitting in the doctor's office, D got a text from XH. She looked at me and asked me if I would take a picture of her. She never asks me to do that. She, like many teenagers is proficient at selfies. I said okay and she gave me a fake smile and two thumbs up. I know this look - it is her "fake good job" look. I burst out laughing. I wanted to know what that was all about. She said she thought she would use it instead of an emoji. I didn't ask what her F said to her, but clearly she was annoyed. She said this was going to be the picture she would keep on file to send to her F that he would no doubt miss the true meaning, which was a very sarcastic "good for you" and then she added "I don't effing care". Ouch.

It was good for a laugh, but underneath that joke was pain. Fortunately, both kids seem to have a fairly good handle on seeing their F is not himself and it is not them.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3194
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #26 on: April 11, 2018, 12:09:18 PM »
My coworker and his S coming first has taken a front seat. I walked into work this morning and my coworker was not there yet. He is always there way before me and way before we have to be. He is there prepping and I have D to drop off before I can get there. It is unusual for me to be there before him. He walked in right as we were finishing up homeroom activities. I could see he was a pure mix of emotions.

Yesterday during class our students, having just returned from Spring Break were infuriating. We had divided the mural into sections, as was decided and one student got a huge section. He was the one student who had come to us with not only a concrete idea and supplied sketches, etc. The others had half-hearted attempts. It was like listening to them complain because someone got a larger piece of cake. We had been going round and round about the reasons why and how to resolve their now sudden interest in the project to allow for this to shake out and find some solution. I wasn't having it. The biggest complainer was my now 10% student. When he pulled the "you are just playing favorites and giving so and so the biggest piece because he is your favorite" he got a shocking response that shut it down quickly. It takes a great deal to really piss me off. I wasn't quite there, but I was almost at my gasket blowing stage. I simply told him that maybe he would be my favorite if he actually handed me more than blank pages next time. He stopped and knew I have told him he is probably the most capable of all of the students in there in terms of design, but I cannot judge on what I believe - I need concrete proof.

By the end of class yesterday, my coworker and I both agreed if the whole week was going to be like this we were ready to scrap the project, which would be a travesty.

This morning I got up and decided to wear what I was planning on wearing to the college. It has been a running joke with my one coworker, as I had shared my Dictionary of Sarcasm with her and my other coworkers. We have laughed a great deal reading through it. We discovered there was a National Sarcasm Society. While I was at the mall with D this weekend I came across a t-shirt that says "Sarcasm with a Chance of Attitude". I typically don't wear t-shirts with sayings on them, but this was just too funny to resist. My plan was to wear it under one of my blazers and not say a word. I decided I would wear it this morning, as I was feeling very much this way. I put on some very intimidating heels and walked into the room this morning.

I didn't say a word. My coworker was in a daze. I had my blazer on, so none of the students realized the top I had on underneath was clearly a warning for them. When "Body with a Back Road" needed to go talk to the principal about an event he had promised to attend but now couldn't he kept giving me excuses. I turned to him and told him to quit whining and to "nut up". He looked at me and I told him if he thought he was going to outlast me by whining, I have 2 kids that spent years testing me and an XH who has tested those waters and I assured him I would far outlast him. He laughed and said okay. By the time he came back, I had shed the blazer, as the heat was on high today. He saw my shirt and laughed. He said I clearly was giving them a fair warning. My coworker saw it by then and burst out laughing. I smirked and said yes and it would be best if they heeded the warning.

The mood changed and we resolved the issues. The project is moving forward and at least the class was in a better place. My coworker - he was not himself. I stayed after class and asked if he was okay. I thought he was going to burst into tears. I hung out and let him vent.

His STBX was a bit of a partier when they met, but had settled down. They got married and things were good. The baby came along and she went totally into party mode again. He thought at first she would level back out, but then it escalated and he moved out after the hot sauce incident. He is supposed to have the toddler Mon, Wed and Fridays and every other weekend. That was working. Then she went on a FaceBook rant and the babysitter refused to watch the little boy anymore, stating my coworker could bring him, but she would no longer deal with STBX. They now live 40 minutes away from each other, so it is not easy for him to make this happen before work etc. Last week he had the little boy the entire week and while he loved it, he had concerns - as it seemed like something was off. His intuition was right on.

He stopped there one day to pick up the little boy and she was fast asleep during the afternoon. The little boy was running around unsupervised and no baby proofing going on. She woke up and announced she had been out too late the night before.

He has told me she is a professional woman, who works and is going for her MBA. Now it seems she isn't going to her college classes and informs him she has been sleeping with countless men. At first he had the same reaction I did, which was she was trying to shock him. She keeps saying she wants him to move home, but he said he believes she just wants a built in babysitter. I tend to agree knowing what I do. She then lets it out that she has been snorting cocaine. That did it. I could see his eyes well up.

I told him he has no choice. He has to go for full custody at this point. He knows and he hates the idea of taking him from his mother. I get it, my coworker's mother died when he was young from an illness, but I told him until his STBX gets help, she is not a mother. That little boy deserves to be in a stable environment and it is going to mean he is it right now.

As we talked I told him I would get him my attorney's name. He joked he was sorry we didn't get to go to the movies. I laughed and told him that my need to see a movie is not nearly as important as his son. I told him that if any woman does not understand that his son is his top priority he needs to avoid them - they are not right for him.

I left feeling good that I was able to be a good friend to him, but I am also so grateful that as bad as my MLC monster was, I did not have this added weight in the situation. I cannot imagine what it would have been like to be in a similar situation.

As I walked into my community class I got a very long text from XH. He wants to meet on the 20th. He went on and on. I simply told him I would have to check my calendar. I am not going to answer him right away. Call it my own form of control. As I explained to my M, I am not allowing him to waltz in and call these meetings when that is the only help he has offered. Nope, call me stubborn, but I told her his MLC controlled me long enough and I will play nice, but I will control my calendar and my life. M had to smile and said she was glad I was not letting him call the shots now.

M then went on to inform me that at dinner last night, S talked about XH. Seems XH is looking for another place to live. He is not sure he can stay there too much longer. Hmmm- trouble in paradise? My M was a bit surprised that I had no reaction. She said she anticipates he will show up on my door one of these days. My sarcasm was still clearly in place when I told her that I guessed he should have considered that over the past few months, but I have moved on. I told her I won't be his back up plan and he hasn't even begun to address the issues that brought this MLC rolling in.

She shook her head and said it was true. She said how sad it was. I agree, but as I told her his choices and consequences are his to deal with, they are no longer mine.

Offline stillbaffled

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3611
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #27 on: April 11, 2018, 03:10:05 PM »
I don't even know how your co-worker manages to come to work and function.  How sad.  I hope that the little boy is removed from the mother's care until she is able to be a mother to him.

Kudos on not caving to MLCer's calendar invite.  Very interesting that he may be soon looking for a new place to hang his hat.  Could be the reason for his calendar invite!   :o
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline No expectations

  • MLCer Type: Clinging Boomerang
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 3163
  • Gender: Female
  • One day at a time. And time is my friend.
Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #28 on: April 12, 2018, 04:29:49 AM »
Dove,

You are a good friend to your co-worker.   He needs one right now, this is going to be so tough for him.

Curious what your xh needs to set up a meeting for?  Good for you,  let him do it on your schedule,  not his.
Married 10 1/2 years, together 17.  BD 9/2016, 2nd BD 10/16.  H moved out 10/16.  2 AS's from my first M.  Me 55, H 49.  OW 23.

"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through; how you managed to survive.  You won't even be sure if the storm is really over.  But one thing is certain; when you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person that walked in...that's what this storm is all about."

"The trick is to enjoy life.  Don't wish away your days, waiting for better ones."

Offline UrsaMajor

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 5460
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone, you aren't a pizza
Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #29 on: April 12, 2018, 05:38:37 AM »
Being there for him and giving him that advice about those who don't get it should get it ... (in the rear) is good...

I do have to wonder what your xH is thinking...

If he thinks he'll just waltz right back in and pick up where he left off?  :o

One COULD make a lot of guesses as to why the SchmoopieCabin isn't working out... like Schmoopies H has finally caught on? Schmoopie has moved on after having gotten what she wanted (xH's client list)? I guess, as ruthless as she is, I'd be guessing more like the second and now that xH is no longer useful, he is disposable... I guess that is his problem, isn't it...

The wheels on the Karma Bus go Round and round...
Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer is initiating D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Shocked

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1366
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #30 on: April 12, 2018, 03:38:24 PM »
Hi MD! Finally getting caught up after my moving month!!! Sorry about your nephew and the emotions that brought to the surface. And then the added work drama. Hope you find a week with some true peace soon!!!!🤗
I care🤗
H 51
W 58
M 22 Years
2 AD both married from my first M
BD 12/15 moved out-in replay, vanisher, MOW in Atlanta
D 2/17

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3194
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #31 on: April 12, 2018, 06:05:16 PM »
It was a very strange day.

My coworker was on auto pilot. It was dreary out and I felt a heaviness about me.

One student was very depressed. His friend had overdosed on drugs the night before. My student doesn't take drugs, as he is an athlete and wants to go in the Marines - he is all about healthy life style. This was a childhood friend of his. Today he found out that only family was being allowed to visit and it doesn't look good.
 
Other students came in and were stressed out about the things in the news. Scared and unsure of the world's madness.

Then my one student came in that often fights depression. He was down yesterday. He was a bit better today. He out of all of my students has every reason to be down. Parents who abandoned him. A grandmother who struggles to keep a roof over his head. Crohn's disease. And yet, he somehow pushes himself. He often chants that he refuses to be a victim of his circumstances. Even when he is down, he tries his best to look to the positive. Today though, he had a very different feel about him. I asked him if he was okay. His girlfriend is in a psych ward on suicide watch. We talked at length about it and then my coworker came and spent the class period with him. They needed each other and my coworker told me after class that he needed to be in class today - a reminder of why he needs to fight for his S.

What struck me though is a comment this student made early in the morning. When I asked him how he was just as he entered the classroom, he said he felt odd - as if he was existing in a parallel universe today and looking at himself just functioning. He said he felt an odd sensation. I looked at him and said I knew exactly what he was talking about - I had a similar feeling this morning. An odd weight and while I was not down as such, just going through the motions a bit this morning.

It wasn't all bad. I had some levity and I had a couple of moments of gratitude. Conversations with a couple of students about some things they were excited about. One student told me about his aunt who is an art teacher at a college. He usually doesn't share. He asked me to help him with a project. I showed him how to accomplish what he wanted to do and gave him the steps to follow and made him do it. He was quite proud of himself.

I went and got a haircut and to the car wash. I was in a decent mood, but the heavy feeling lingered a bit.

I met my childhood friend for lunch. We were having a lovely lunch and had a good time catching up. My phone blew up right before we finished. Our friend who had the brain tumor had passed away.

The time of death, it would seem was this morning. That information was not easy to come by. It all started with my sister being on vacation near his apartment and they had plans to meet up this week. She had not heard back from him and called for a wellness check. The police found he had died this morning.

I drove to my parent's house. I knew what was waiting for me. This friend was very private about things. He has no relatives. We are it. Six years ago he had mentioned in passing to my F that when he had the brain tumor he wondered if my F would be willing to be on the health care proxy and the executor on his will. That was the extent of the conversation. When he went in for surgery the first time he went into a coma and my parents received a call from the doctors wanting permission to do another surgery. This would result in trying to remotely find paperwork and such, as he had never supplied my parents with even an attorney's name. This was a nightmare.

When he came out of that surgery and recovered, my M, who is one who has all of their documents in order spoke to him about making sure he gave them any information if they were being named executors again. He had said he would. (My sister and I always have known who, what, where and such in terms of my parent's wishes - ever since we were kids). He gave her the information and then a couple of years ago moved to Florida. He mentioned he updated the paperwork and said he was taking the stress off of my parents and making his attorney his executor and leaving everything to my sister and I. My M pushed for basic information when he said he was terminal. It never came.

I walked into the kitchen and found my parents sitting at the table and the stress was apparent. We had nothing to go on other than his body had been taken by the coroner. I spent a couple of hours just making calls. Of course, with privacy laws and no documents in front of me - not being a blood relative -- good luck. My only concern was, as I found out that he was in a county funeral home and they did not have any will in front of them to know what to do at this point either. My biggest fear was his final wishes would not be met.

My M was shoving notes under my nose. I could feel my emotions taking over. I wanted my sister to take care of a couple of things, as she was in close proximity to where they have his body. My M did not want to bother my sister as she was on vacation. I freaked out on her. I know she was trying to help and felt helpless, but I said to her my sister has offered and she is there with a husband willing to help support her. My F agreed.

I made some headway. By then it seems his attorney found a contact number for my parents. She said the will is iron clad and that is not a concern, but he did not leave his wishes with her. She was concerned that his desires for his final burial were met. She was shocked I had as much information as I did and wanted to know how I had managed to find out as much as I did. She laughed and said I must have been very tenacious.

We now have some answers. My F went and took a long nap and then went and hid out in his studio. He said to work, but I think he was quietly grieving. I went out to my car. I texted XH. He had been close to this friend for a long time. I figured I should at least let him know. He didn't seem to remember the situation from years ago. Of course he was already deep in MLC.

S is upset but his friend showed up to hang out with him. I came in the house and was going to start cooking dinner. I couldn't do it. I had to leave. I went to the grocery store but then just drove. I drove around aimlessly for over an hour. I needed the quiet.

I will be okay.

There were positives today - I was told that they want to double my time at the high school and expand the program in the Fall. It might mean that my coworker and i won't be team teaching all the time, but the doubled time is a huge relief.

I know things are happening the way they are supposed to.

My M and I talked tonight. She said she was so impressed by how calm I was and how I tackled the problem. She said my anger was understandable - I told her she did not deserve my reaction.

Before she hung up the phone she said she realized I am so much stronger than I was months ago. She recognizes that I am like I was in college and she knows I will be okay. She then said that she trusts my judgement and I should start dating again.

After a storm there is often a rainbow - mine was my M's words. Maybe she will relax a bit more and not worry so much about me - maybe she will get some peace from this madness as well.


« Last Edit: April 12, 2018, 07:30:15 PM by MourningDove »

Online Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3139
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #32 on: April 12, 2018, 11:48:09 PM »
I'm so sorry for your loss, Mourning, for you and your family. He sounded like a good man you were blessed to know.

There just are days sometimes when the dark creeps through the cracks aren't there? So much sorrow seeing others' pain rolled out like a tablecloth.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline UrsaMajor

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 5460
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone, you aren't a pizza
Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #33 on: April 12, 2018, 11:58:25 PM »
Oh man....  :'(

Even when we know it is coming, it is NOT any easier when it finally does.  I'm so sorry for your loss and the passing of your friend.

Rainbows after the storm though.... Those are the glimmers of hope and light that help keep us going.... A good freind of mine helped me to see those too, even the unexpected ones...

{{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}
Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer is initiating D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline No expectations

  • MLCer Type: Clinging Boomerang
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 3163
  • Gender: Female
  • One day at a time. And time is my friend.
Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #34 on: April 13, 2018, 01:17:03 AM »
Dove,

I'm  so very sorry for the loss of your friend.   He obviously was a good man who cared for you and your family deeply.  I will pray for you,  for strength to get through this tough time.  You are an incredible woman.
Married 10 1/2 years, together 17.  BD 9/2016, 2nd BD 10/16.  H moved out 10/16.  2 AS's from my first M.  Me 55, H 49.  OW 23.

"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through; how you managed to survive.  You won't even be sure if the storm is really over.  But one thing is certain; when you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person that walked in...that's what this storm is all about."

"The trick is to enjoy life.  Don't wish away your days, waiting for better ones."

Online Thunder

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 16493
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #35 on: April 13, 2018, 03:14:54 AM »
Aw Mourning, I'm so sorry you lost a good friend.  Sending prayers for you and your family.

Big Hug!
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline Shocked

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1366
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #36 on: April 13, 2018, 11:13:50 AM »
Oh Dove! Another big loss. I’m so sorry. Life is so full of heart aches. I hope you find as many joyous times soon. 🤗
I care🤗
H 51
W 58
M 22 Years
2 AD both married from my first M
BD 12/15 moved out-in replay, vanisher, MOW in Atlanta
D 2/17

Offline KeepItTogether

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3321
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #37 on: April 13, 2018, 12:35:28 PM »
I’m so sorry about your friend. It is never easy when we lose someone we love. Makes us realize we need to hold close our loved ones bc we never really know what the future holds.

Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3194
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #38 on: April 14, 2018, 11:11:47 AM »
Treasur, UrsaMajor, No Expectations, Thunder, Shocked and KeepItTogether - thank you for your kind words.

I had to work at the gallery yesterday and it is what I needed. I knew it would be busy as we are gearing up for an annual event in a few weeks that brings pure mayhem to the gallery. It is good mayhem - fun event, but the last leg after a year of planning is usually hectic and there are always glitches. I needed that type of mayhem.

When I was not dealing with the event things, I took on the inventory that no one wanted to deal with. Most of the artists are actually great about making sure they supply us with a comprehensive list of things that we have as a reference for our own inventory. There is one artist only 2 of us will deal with. The others don't like him because he is incredibly eccentric and difficult. I have made several in roads with him. If you take the time, he is a man with an incredible history and if you break through the shell he will stay and chat. His inventory is messed up every time. Primarily because he will come in and pull a painting off the wall of his and take it home to "rework it" - it comes back completely different. Or he will retitle another. He is also very much a person that expects to have a business run like a business and for things to be up to date.

He came in yesterday and he brought a new painting. As we talked I came right out and told him his inventory was messed up. My coworker's eyes got huge. I could see the panic. I asked him if he could help me clarify the titles because I knew he had changed a couple of them. He obliged and was more than happy to do that. We walked around and he told me which ones he had renamed and we talked about each piece - the reasons for the change. It was fun. He laughed as I went down the inventory and said that 2 of the paintings we had listed a total of 6 times - all under different titles. He renamed the one yet again, but I crossed off the other names. I joked and asked him if that was his final title. He said "at least for today". We had everything accounted for. He was impressed I knew where every painting was and thanked me for getting this inventory straightened out.

After he left my coworker was in shock because he was not pissed off. In fact, he was quite the opposite. He thanked me for making sure his work was handled properly. I shrugged and said that I would rather come out and ask him than to find out we were actually missing something and have to deal with the consequences. She said he would not have been so easy with the rest of us. Probably not, as most of them avoid him and don't want to deal with him. They find him to eccentric. I guess I look at is as he is just different and underneath his quirks, he is full of information and stories. Would I want to spend hours with him - probably not - LOL. He has a short shelf life  ;) But in little doses, he is fun to have pop in once in awhile.

Yesterday, my parents called and more stress. My great aunt was not doing well. My F is the executor on her estate and has power of attorney with his sister. My aunt announced she wasn't making any decisions a couple weeks ago as we sat at my parent's kitchen table. We all knew why this was - there will be no money left after the nursing home. Before that my aunt was willing to go daily to see my great aunt. This is not new behavior. I wanted to walk over and slap her. But, it would do no good. I knew this would fall on my F and I told my M I would help however I could. It was a good thing my sister was not there - she would have slapped my aunt. She has no use for my aunt whatsoever and with good reason.

It sounded like my great aunt was on her death bed. She was not doing well. Decisions about her care came into play. This morning she has bounced back, which doesn't surprise me. She is tough. But, when I heard yesterday I was not sure what this would do to my F who was getting calls from the attorney regarding his friend. My M said my F was on auto pilot - which is not like him.

The attorney for our friend is out of state at the moment but she was able to get some information and at least we know things will move forward. As we suspected, he changed the executor and put the attorney in charge, which is a blessing in many ways. She will take care of the particulars and we will play back up for the early parts of this. It is still not going to be a cake walk. She will be able to work out the estate details in terms his medical bills, etc. But, the contents of his apartment and such are all falling on my sister and I. My M was ready to send my F and our elderly neighbor down there and I told her that it was my sister and I who will deal with the bulk of this. She seemed relieved to hear me say this.

My sister commented again that she herself was grateful I was there to take this on, but that my M has been shocked at how calm I was. My sister was laughing saying that M didn't get the tear-laden call.

I have been thinking about the long drive I took. I needed the solitude. I was full of emotions. Sadness was at the top, but there was a lot of anger. Angry at XH for not being able to deal with his own crap and leaving me to yet again have no one to catch my fall. That was a short-lived anger. I know he is not capable, nor would I want him here any longer. That was just a fleeting moment for me. Sad, but that is where I am at. I think the text is what set me off. I was just trying to be nice and let him know and even then he was not really capable of anything really beyond self absorption.

Most of all I was angry with my friend. I know he was private, much of that due to the career he had and I respected that. But some of it was his own personality. The anger was directed at after the last time, where the stress of having to go through a similar thing with him and his surgery - the lack of paperwork, etc was brutal that he said he understood that he needed to at least give us some information if we were the ones who were his "family". He started out in a better place, at least giving my M some basic info. My M fortunately had kept a file about his surgery and who had been his doctors, accountant and attorney. That is just my M - highly organized and on top of things. But, as time went on, our friend became evasive and didn't want to discuss it. I get it - hard to face death and those discussions. But, the stress of not even knowing where his body would end up was going to kill my father. So, having to see the stress roll over my parents was enough to make me very angry at our friend. Wondering how he could do this to them yet again.

The anger gave away to sadness again and maybe a bit of my own realization. My sister and I both have been wrestling with the fact that he died alone. Maybe he wanted it that way, but somehow in many ways, I don't think he did, nor did she. We tried to get him to move north to be closer to us, but he wanted the warmth. We understood that part of it, but he had no one there. Not a single friend. He loved being around our family for holidays. For nearly 45 years he had been in our life.

My sister and I both commented that we like our solitude from time to time, but we both know we like having people in our lives. At the end of the day, I don't want to be completely alone. My sister said as frustrated as she gets with her H at times, she said she knows how lucky she is. She was saying this as I heard my nephew in the background. He was pretending to be an antelope, but he did not know the name and said he was a cantaloupe. My niece corrected him and instead of prancing around in true form, he embraced the correction and was rolling around. I told my sister to embrace what she has.

The drain of the last couple of days caught up with me. I could hardly keep my eyes open last night and I went to bed fairly early. I didn't wake up until noon today. Now I am just trying to find some energy.

Mentally, I am ok. I have worked through most of my feelings. It was a rough week, but I am not a heap on the floor. I used to wonder during those early MLC days if I would ever find my inner strength again. I guess it is here. In many ways I am back to where I was when I was in college - my sister aways used to claim I was a soft hearted person and kind, but not to ever push me to dig my heels in. She said I had a fighting spirit that shocked people. I guess I did and maybe I found it again. I worried the MLC would make me bitter. I am jaded at times and cynical, but not to my detriment. Maybe no longer as naive. IDK.

Today, I am just going to allow myself to "be" and if it means the day is one where I am just plodding along accomplishing very little, I will let myself have that.
« Last Edit: April 14, 2018, 11:14:50 AM by MourningDove »

Offline stillbaffled

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3611
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #39 on: April 14, 2018, 04:55:52 PM »
How sad that your friend had to die alone, especially after spending 45 years with your family.  It sounds like you and your sister will have much to take care of. 

Is the Aunt that is being so nasty the one that you have mentioned before that likes to stir up so much drama?  Please tell me you didn't get stuck with TWO Aunts that are less than favorable! 

May today be a day for MD to decompress and rejuvenate.   
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3194
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #40 on: April 14, 2018, 06:02:14 PM »
LOL - stillbaffled - My sister and I will have a great deal to work through. We have no idea what medical bills there might be, what investments, etc. We have some idea. Luckily, the attorney will help deal with most of this. That said, we know what also awaits us in his home. It was neatly decorated and arranged, but he was an avid art collector and this is going to be a bit of a task. We are not talking Monets. Many would think this is so wonderful - inheriting, but it is a bit of a daunting task knowing what we know. The unknowns add a huge layer. It will have to be done and while we are honored and grateful he took the burden off of my parents, this is not going to be solved over night.

On the plus side, my release from job dread and the semester coming to an end helps with timing.

I come from a very large extended family. I have MANY wonderful relatives. However, I do have 2 aunts that are in fact less than favorable.

My M's sister is toxic aunt. She is the drama queen.

My F's sister is the only girl and none of us are sure which house she was raised in. Part of her issue is she took back my uncle, after he went into MLC. She loved him and neither did their mirror work. He has major FOO issues and she has become very bitter. They stayed together, but they are a good example of taking back someone too early and it is not a marriage. But, even before all of that, this aunt became very prejudiced and that was one of the problems. I don't care if she did not agree with my sister's choice in a spouse, but she had never met him. My BIL was adored by my grandmother and it pissed my grandmother off to no end that her daughter could be so nasty.

My uncles and my F were very much about family and caring for their M. My F is not one to want for things. He is very sentimental, but has always loved spending time with his relatives.

My aunt is about "what can she get" out of any relationship. She really sunk her ship with me when my grandmother had to be moved into a nursing home. We always knew she had these tendencies - putting sticky notes on everything she thought she deserved. My sister had requested only one item from my grandmother's house.

When my grandfather died my sister was very young. She knew my grandmother didn't work. She was worried my grandmother would not have enough money. She cleaned out her piggy bank and gave my grandmother all she had. It was a small handful of coins. My grandmother put it on her dining hutch in a jar and it stayed there for nearly 30 years. None of us were allowed to touch that jar. Everyone in the family knew the story about the jar and the coins.

My aunt took the jar. She claimed she did not know what happened to it, as she did with many of the items, including paintings my grandmother did. We knew better. It was not worth the argument at the time. We chose our battles.

Even when my grandmother was on her deathbed, my aunt started clearing out items out of her room. My F, who is very docile, told her to stop, that their M was not dead yet. But, he also made it very clear that my sister would get to take whatever she wanted as she has nothing of my grandmother's. She wanted a small table. I took the painting above her bed that she did. My aunt did not dare to argue with him. She knew he was not going to back down this time.

When my great aunt went into a nursing home we saw similar behaviors. The post it notes, etc. She was like a vulture. Yet, once the place was cleaned out and she saw there was no more to have, she then decided she did not want to have to make the decisions about care, etc. It has fallen on my F and luckily my M, his B and my aunt have all stepped up to deal with the hard decisions. My dad's sister - she is there only when it benefits her.

My aunt holds little space in my heart. She is not as dramatic as the other aunt, but I can't say I love seeing her. She is just self-centered and I have no room in my life for her. More toxicity and negativity.

But, I also have tons of wonderful aunts, uncles and cousins that make up for the 2 aunts. LOL. Like I said - very large extended family so the odds of a couple of duds was inevitable ;)
« Last Edit: April 14, 2018, 06:10:54 PM by MourningDove »

Offline stillbaffled

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3611
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #41 on: April 15, 2018, 06:12:22 AM »
She took the jar?!?!   >:(     

Does this woman have children?  And if so, do they lack compassion and morality as well? 

Nice to hear that you have lots of extended family that are good people! 

It's snowing here again today.   :(      I talked to my oldest son last night (who lives within 20 miles of Thunder) and he said 8 inches had already fallen so I'm still better off than Thunder is! 

After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3194
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #42 on: April 15, 2018, 02:01:14 PM »
stillbaffled - yes, my horrid aunt actually took the jar and then had the audacity to say she would give my sister something else in exchange. The jar had no value. My aunt is very selfish and materialistic - always has been. But, once she married my uncle it became far worse. He too, was materialistic and narcissistic.

My aunt has brief moments of compassion and being human, but they are few and far between. I speak to her, but I try to spend as little time as possible with her.

She had a bright future as a writer, but chose to marry my uncle. It has never been a happy marriage. My F and I are convinced that my aunt's need for material things is a byproduct of trying to find happiness in things instead of looking at herself. My aunt is a bitter, unhappy victim. She likes to tell people that there was no money for her to go to college. I don't think I ever saw my grandmother get mad except when she heard that come out of my aunt's mouth. My grandmother raised her voice, something that was very rare and told my aunt to quit feeling sorry for herself. The reality was my aunt only wanted to get married and took the money my grandparents had saved for her education and she ran off with my uncle. They spent it and then ended up in financial troubles early in the marriage.

Her situation of taking my uncle back without doing any mirror work herself has been a very good example for me. My uncle didn't do any work and in his case never will. They come to family events but often will not even ride in the same vehicle for the short drive because they cannot get along. No thank you.

As for children - yes she has a son and a daughter. They are, no surprise, a bit messed up. Her S - I limit my contact with him. He is a carbon copy of his parents. The daughter we take in small doses. She is brilliant, but always has a conspiracy theory going, etc. She is a bit much. That said, she also has the biggest heart one could ask for. She has worked with people with special needs for years. The group of clients she works with have more than just minor needs. Some have gotten violent and she has suffered a broken nose and arm at the hands of a couple of them over the years. She shrugs it off and understands that they cannot help it in most cases. She is loved by the clients and the staff. So, even with some of her odd theories, my sister and I always acknowledge she at least does not share my aunt or uncle's materialistic side.

We got a tiny bit of snow and the trees were layered with ice. But, by the end of the week it is supposed to go back up to higher 50's.

I was a bit concerned earlier.

The dog needed to go out for a walk. She was not happy that I did not take her out first thing this morning for our usual walk. It was way too icy. In fact, when I let the one cat out the look on his face as he slid across the sidewalk was one that clearly was "WTF"?? He came back in rather quickly.

By noon, the sidewalk was clear, but the ice was still hanging on branches, etc. I took the dog for her usual walk, which in the morning when it is cold is a mile. She would stay out all day if I let her. She loves the snow and cold. Normally, I can do the walk with the dog in 20 minutes, even with her sniffing about. Today, she clearly felt the need to check every blade of grass. I was out for over and hour.

As I passed my parent's house, I noticed the morning paper was still in the box and their lights were off. I knew they weren't planning on going anywhere until much later and even that was up in the air. So I called them on my cell phone.
My F picked up. He had been napping. That doesn't surprise me, but I asked if everything was okay since the newspaper was still in the box. My M is always up at 6 am and out to get the paper first thing. Her day starts the minute she is up. My F, on Sundays, he will read the paper and then watch Sunday Morning faithfully. He then will go out to the studio. Come in for lunch and then nap. He had watched his program, but was already napping. Hmmm. What shocked me was he said my M was napping. My M doesn't nap. We have to beg her to rest when she is sick. He asked where I was on my walk and I said I would stop back on my way through.

The newspaper was still there when I got there. My M was groggy. I knew what was up - the stress from the week caught up with her. Add the stress of worrying about my sister and her family as they were supposed to fly home today from Florida. They weren't sure where they were flying into now as many flights were being cancelled or rerouted.

I sat with both of them for awhile. My M has been replaying the last conversation they had with our friend. She brought up the "exit plan" he had and was concerned he had taken his own life. I know I had told her all of this the other day, but so much was going on at that time it didn't filter in. I assured her I was able to speak to the coroner and it was ruled natural causes from his illness. She still seemed to be working through it in her head and when I told her that if there had been any question he would still be in the morgue and not at a funeral home. The stress seemed to lift a bit.

We talked about what we have now learned about the estate. The attorney is attacking this and will make this as easy as possible for us so that we don't have to go down to Florida countless times. She was already setting some things in motion that will help to get his ashes and maybe some closure for my parents in particular.

My F went out to the studio and I popped in to see him. He mentioned that my M is taking this really hard. What is funny is this friend and my M would battle constantly. They both liked to cook and this friend would often take over the kitchen. When they cooked together, the rest of us scattered. It was better to stay out of their way.

My F looked older today - he has aged suddenly this week. Someone else mentioned it to me as well who saw him earlier in the week. He still does not look like he is 80, but he always looked like he was in his mid-60s. Today, he looked 80. I suspect the gleam in his eye will come back and he will be back to his old self. Shocking to see him today though. It is amazing what stress does to a person.

Online Mortesbride

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1239
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #43 on: April 16, 2018, 02:53:01 AM »
I think it is very sweet your grandmother kept the jar of coins for 30 years. What a way to preserve a simple act of kindness.  :)

I am not surprised by your Aunt sadly. When my dad passed away it was like the vultures descended. People fighting over things that were expensive. All wanting their share of the pie. It made me sick to be honest.

Even when I later got a life insurance settlement my father left me, I couldn't cash the check for nearly 6 months because it felt like blood money. Getting paid for the death of your parent. It wasn't until I changed my perspective to see it as my dad looking after me even when he was gone that I used it to get a house. When I bought the house I was so grateful and said a little prayer of thanks to my dad.

The only thing I ever wanted from my dad's house was a painting that had hung in my grandmother's house, then in his house. Worth nothing materially, but everything sentimentally. I never got it, and it hasn't been seen since.  :-\

My two sisters lived within 1 hour of him when he was on his death bed. In 2 years they both came to visit 2 times. On THEIR birthday and Christmas (for money/gifts). They didn't call or talk to him unless they wanted something. I lived in the UK and flew over to see him 2 times, and I skyped with him every other day.

Some people are just selfish and materialistic. Life is about what they can get, and emotions don't matter. Let's just be glad we aren't in that club. :)

Offline UrsaMajor

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 5460
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone, you aren't a pizza
Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #44 on: April 16, 2018, 04:17:12 AM »
I guess everyone has one or two of "those" relatives in the family... For me it is my brother and one of my cousins... I guess, in the end though, they will get what they deserve and the karma bus will do a drive-by (You'll be driving it, right Mort?)   It is sad though...

And yes, Dove, stress can do a number on any of us...
Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer is initiating D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online Mortesbride

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1239
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #45 on: April 16, 2018, 09:28:37 AM »
Of course  8)

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3194
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #46 on: April 16, 2018, 10:41:07 AM »
Mortesbride - my grandmother was a very sweet, yet strong woman. She overcame all sorts of hardships, so she had little tolerance for the victim mode. I am not sure where my aunt (her daughter) got her personality from. Nature or nurture - who knows  ::)

UrsaMajor - I know people who try to tell me their whole family is wonderful and perfect. LOL - I always want to know what potion they are drinking or lies they are telling themselves. We all have at least "one" of those relatives we shake our head and wonder where they came from. LOL

I have learned, probably even more after MLC, to distance myself from those people. I don't want the negativity. I am not unkind to them, but I don't go out of my way to interact with them. My F's sister if I see her at the grocery store, I try and do a quick hello and ask about her kids or grandchildren. Beyond that, I try not to engage. I have even been known to go down another aisle if I see her and she does not see me. Maybe not very kind of me, but it keeps me happy. LOL

Last night I got a call out of the blue from my coworker at the gallery. She needed a favor. Her grandson needs an MRI. It doesn't sound good. I told her I would cover for her as long as she needed me to. She hasn't told anyone else and I told her I would hold it in confidence as I do with anything she tells me. TBH - I really would have rather stayed home and addressed some of my own things, but this is not a "hey, I want to go shopping" request. This is one of those moments that my time at the gallery will help her. It may mean I have a late night tonight, but that is okay. So many people have helped me along the way, I feel it is important to pay it forward at times.

She called me to thank me and I could hear her holding back tears.

She is a woman who had a run of bad situations with her marriages. Her first H beat her. She left him. She remarried and her second H became depressed. Killed himself. She met a wonderful man and they were married for 25 years. He ended up boarding the MLC train and ran off with a 25 year old. He wanted to come back, but she knew it was only because he was kicked out of the 25 year old's life.

She is not bitter. She has done a huge amount of introspective work on herself. She has had boyfriends. She is close to her children and grandchildren. She travels. She is not a victim. She has been a good friend to me during all of this MLC madness. She knew XH prior to MLC. She was shocked the last time she saw him when he popped in to see me last year. She just shook her head with a knowing look of he had gone over the bend.

My M told me a story yesterday that she has been holding on to. For whatever reason, she wanted to finally let it out. I am not even sure how the conversation came about. XH had called her last year. She never told my F the full conversation and never will. XH said he wanted a divorce and I wasn't giving in. My M told him that the law did not stop him from filing on his own. He then said he even had a fling (his words) and that didn't even make me file. My M said if he was having an affair to get me to divorce him then why did he hide it? He basically was trying to get me to file.

I laughed, but I was a bit angry. I always knew he wanted me to file. He wanted me to be the bad guy. Then when I finally did, he told everyone he wanted a separation - maybe things would change.

Ultimately, it changes nothing. It just sat strangely with me yesterday.

Last night before going to bed I got another notification. There had been a very bad accident not too far from my house. The young man driving, I don't recognize his name and he will be okay. His passenger - I know. Not well, but I recognized the name and knew this morning I was going into a classroom where there would be kids who know the young woman. She is in bad shape.

I cannot imagine being a parent getting that call. Waiting in a hospital room and hoping that she survives. I did not sleep well thinking about that idea. I texted my S at length and then gave my D a huge hug. Of course, she was beyond miserable last night, but she put up with a hug.

Might explain my feisty mood a bit this morning. But, in all honesty, it is more than that. I am tired of people not paying attention. Hearing what they only want to. Not listening at all. Others playing the victim.

I am sure some of it came off of another nugget yesterday that was already bugging me. Life is not always black and white. Nor are the answers always simple. What works in one situation may not work in others.

I know there are plenty of people who had well meaning advice in my case. I took the advice from others who had been through what I have. Similar situations and dealing with monsters. I looked at my own experiences with my students, seeing how shattered families can affect them.

For me, the common thread was I was going to protect my kids the best way that I could and give them stability. I was fortunate - they were under my roof. I had a support system who had my back, who the kids listened to. My XH's family was not able to really get in close. If they had been around there were several who would have used this as an opportunity to control things and somehow make it into enemy factions. To protect their family name - as if it was a game. It is sickening to watch. It goes back to people, like my own aunt - people who look to only themselves.

This morning I must admit I was in fight and protect mode.

My coworker had more trouble this weekend. He was smiling when I came in and asked about my weekend. I could tell he was happy to have something "normal" this morning, but I knew I was going to have to pick up the loose ends if need be. I was okay with that. He is usually "bad cop". He is quite good at it and the kids respect him. They don't expect it from me as quickly and that is also good.

"Body Like a Backroad" is an athlete and my joker. He came in today and was on his phone. I asked him to put it away 3 times. He was not being obstinate on purpose, just sucked in. He was walking back to his desk and I beaned him in the head with a marker. (I did not hurt him). It startled him and he laughed at my aim. I informed him if I had aimed and put any effort into it he would have known it. The phone was put away and he behaved. My coworker was just coming back in the room when I did that. We both know that this student was the one student I could do that to and he would get it. I don't usually go throwing things. He joked with me the rest of the class saying he needed to be more alert and I was just giving him training for his new position as a lacrosse goalie.

My mood is lifting. But, I really don't have patience for stupid today. I have a bit of an attitude today. I know it and I will own it.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3194
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #47 on: April 16, 2018, 08:23:47 PM »
My coworker at the gallery gave me a huge hug when she came in. I did not know what to say other than I would pray for her grandson. He is 13 and there is something very wrong with him at the moment. The MRI shows nothing. They meet with a neurologist next. I felt a bit helpless and simply told her whatever she needed from me, I would do my best to help her out if she needed me to take her time slots on a moment's notice.

I had to pick D up after a doctor's appointment and then it was off to teach my college class. Both kids decided to go tonight. The one security guard was cracking up as the kids ran ahead of me. He asked if they always got along so well. It wasn't always that way - there were moments, but yes, they have always gotten along pretty well.

Of course this meant they were in full velociraptor mode. I was not safe.  ::)

While I was on break I popped in to see the Philosophy professor. He is always good for a debate or often has a new poem on his door. So few people will talk to him because he is very intelligent and frankly scares people. If they got to know him they would find he has a very mischievous side and is great fun. Last year, he played a prank on my dear friend by calling her office and ordering Indian takeout. He is still waiting on his order and reminds me to let her know when I talk to her.

Our other coworker came out to chat. He was mumbling under his breath about how he has one student who is doing incredibly well in one class but is failing the other. The Philosophy professor and I have both encountered kids like this. We both laughed and said "good luck" with that as this student is one of those who cannot understand why she is failing. She has missed multiple classes in the one class but comes to the other. Her response was, "but I come to the other class and have never have missed one single class". They are completely different classes.

He was wrestling through this and asked the question of "am I missing something". I looked at the Philosophy prof and said I would explain it. He had a gleam in his eye and he knew I was coming back with some smart a$$ explanation. We were all in stitches when I used mathematics to explain that she was one of those students who believes her perfect attendance in one class and A combined with the poor grades and attendance in the other clearly average out to a C, which is in fact passing. It took my colleague a moment to follow along and then he said how foolish of him, of course this makes perfect sense. He laughed and asked how I knew so much. I told him that I dealt with type of logic in MLC land.  ::)

I went back in to my classroom and I encountered a student who was behaving like my junior this morning. I had given a step by step demo last week. I asked them this week if they needed a review. Nope. So I set off to help each student. One student asked me for help. Fine. Except when I was showing him something he was checking the texts on his phone. I didn't say anything (I had wished I had a marker to bean him with). I simply started to walk away. I was in no mood. He seemed surprised. He said he still did not understand. I walked away and said maybe his friend he was texting caught the information. He was nine shades of red. It was the last of the phone. I did get around to help him a second time. I didn't rub it in and he stayed late working on his project. It is a good thing as I was in no mood to deal with more nonsense.

The kids were there to witness part of my class. They were both smiling after I finished and said I clearly love my students. I do - most of the time.  ::)

On the way home my phone was buzzing away. One of the texts was a bulleted list from XH. Oh, how he loves those in MLC. His B is not doing well and he doesn't expect him to last the week. I said I was sorry to hear that.

He then asked for information about D's college. I said I would gladly send it on but I did not have an email address for him. I was going to forward the information, but thought better of it. If I had it would have had the original emails on there and he did not need to know the correspondence dates and questions I had about my income as the custodial parent. I sent it and he seemed to want to text longer. Nope - I am okay.

Offline UrsaMajor

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 5460
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone, you aren't a pizza
Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #48 on: April 17, 2018, 03:04:57 AM »
Quote from: MourningDove
On the way home my phone was buzzing away. One of the texts was a bulleted list from XH. Oh, how he loves those in MLC. His B is not doing well and he doesn't expect him to last the week. I said I was sorry to hear that.

He then asked for information about D's college. I said I would gladly send it on but I did not have an email address for him. I was going to forward the information, but thought better of it. If I had it would have had the original emails on there and he did not need to know the correspondence dates and questions I had about my income as the custodial parent. I sent it and he seemed to want to text longer. Nope - I am okay.

Boomerang alert!!! some just take a while longer to complete the outward leg..   ::)  Duck and Cover...

Good shot with the marker!  I had a band teacher do that to me once too but I was reading a book and not playing with a phone (they didn't exist yet :o - I AM that old! :D)  and he winged his baton at me..... I NEVER read in band again unless it was the music! ....
Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer is initiating D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3194
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #49 on: April 17, 2018, 08:58:12 AM »
Yes, UrsaMajor, it would seem the boomerang is back. I am going to duck and hopefully it flies back and whacks him in the head.


D has made her college decision. We will send in the deposit. I have no idea how we are going to make it happen in the long run, but I told her the offer this college put out there is still better than she would get anywhere else. It may mean loans, but the price is not obscene at this point. I told her if I have to take on more work I will do whatever I can to help her. She has some responsibility in this - she has to contribute and will, but I will do what my parents did for me and give some help where I can for both kids.

I sent XH the document as an attachment of the college's financial offer. I didn't include my original email to the counselor, etc. I figured he did not get to ride on the coattails of my hard work. Additionally, he does not get to see all of my income and potential contributions. He lost his right to that in the divorce. He is not being excluded from the offer, but if he wants me to play nice he will have to prove he is in for the long haul as far as the kids are concerned. His actions will determine my benevolence at this point.

It is not to be a b!tch, but it is protecting myself. I have worked hard to help D and D has worked her butt off to get to this point. XH has done little to help. In fact, he has tried to derail this enough that I just don't trust him. And now with his B not doing well, I know what his temperament will be. He will no doubt be in full monster mode again. We do not need the monster stirring the pot with college counselors, etc and making enemies. D needs all the support she can get while at college. I know from experience how much her teachers have helped her get where she is now and it was not by her parents pissing them off.

As that email went out I thought how odd it was. I never imagined when the kids were little that this is how XH and I would be planning for their college education. Yet, somehow there was no real emotion attached to it beyond acceptance. No anger, nor sadness. I didn't go on thinking about it for long. I attached the document and sent it out and that is really the extent of the thought. Only this morning when D mentioned something to me did it resurface. But, then too it seemed almost clinical.

My friend's estate should be cleared fairly quickly. We have no idea where it all shakes out. From what the attorney says the medical bills, etc are covered. She said arrangements were also put in place so that we may not have to travel at all to Florida. I wouldn't mind a vacation, but going to deal with this would not exactly be a vacation.

I thought I was going to need a whole box of markers this morning at first. The students were off the wall. My coworker walked in and as we were talking he asked how my day was yesterday. I recounted what happened. His eyes got big and he calculated I had put in a nearly 18 hour day between getting up and going to bed. I had prep work to do when I got home. I shrugged and told him that was a bit longer than my usual Monday. It was a long day, yet somehow I am okay today. I don't mind long hours if they are productive and I am able to accomplish something.

The students changed their whole tone when we brought in the components that they could dismantle for their found object mural. They were all over pulling apart computers and mechanical things. They were having a blast. The ideas just started to flow from them. My coworker and I both shot each other a look, both knowing this was the spark we have wanted for them - that passion they lack. That creativity and ability to imagine without judgement.

The kid whose F we are sure gives him a few "licks" was working on something else. He asked for my help with it last week. I had brought him carbon paper to use yesterday. His group scrapped that idea and he felt bad that I had taken the time to search for carbon paper. Today when he asked for some other help I was happy to work with him. He has been afraid to ask for help. As we worked along he was doubting his abilities. We were working with colored pencils. I told him that he had the ability, just has never been shown how. I spent a good amount of time showing him how to build up color.

It always amazes me how the walls sometimes drop during these times. He just started talking about his dog and his grandmother, who he adores. I saw him limping this morning. I knew better than to ask when he first came in. As we sat, I asked if he was okay - I noticed the limp. He wrenched his back. He went on to tell me his F is pushing him to be ready for football. He was just talking away with ease. I know how strong he is. His F wants him to get to a certain weight class for wrestling and has been having him train. He wrenched his back when he while deadlifting. He said he was okay at 400 lbs. But yesterday, his F pushed him to 450 lbs and he messed up his back. I know athletes push themselves, but I truly wanted to find something bigger than a marker to throw at his F. I simply told him to take it slow and maybe he needed to talk to the physical education teacher who body builds for some extra training. I know that teacher will help him, but will approach it with his brain first and not pure brawn. He thought that was a good idea - he likes the physical education teacher. When we finished he gave me a huge bear hug and said he really appreciated me bringing him the carbon paper even though he didn't end up using it.

Tonight I am off to a meeting about graduate school. I am not sure I can manage it financially or otherwise right now, but I received a "random" email a few weeks back at a time that it seemed like I needed to follow that path. Over the years I considered going back to school, but life always threw something into my way. When I look back, it was often things in XH's life that happened at those moments and I stepped in to support him. I am not saying this to be a victim - he needed me and I would make the same decisions in most cases. That was part of being a good partner. Now though, maybe it is my time. We will see. I am not sure this is really what I want or need. But there is no harm in looking.  :)

Offline KeepItTogether

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3321
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #50 on: April 17, 2018, 05:15:14 PM »
I think that is part of the journey Dove. You were a partner to xh, but my guess is you took on much more than he ever could. It’s just how things play out a lot of the time. It’s never truly 50/50. And not that it’s a bad thing and we resent them for it either. But then, it also reminds us, as those “random” emails come our way with an opportunity, that maybe it is time for us. Maybe this did all happen for a reason. Or just simply that, but for all the crap we went through, we might never have been able to pursue something potentially awesome. Whoa—how’s that for a glass is half full perspective? 😆

Anyway, looking forward to hearing more about that! And congrats to D!

Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3194
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #51 on: April 17, 2018, 07:52:25 PM »
KeepItTogether, I like the glass half full perspective.  ;D

There were times throughout the marriage my XH wanted me to go back and pursue my MFA. He was usually a good cheerleader at times. But, the reality was life kept creeping in and then when I really had the time and energy, MLC came rolling in. There is no point in resenting it. I always accepted that things were happening for a reason and often I simply refused to live in "I should haves". I have never been one to reside in that place. I suppose it is part of what has made me navigate through this madness. I can't change the past. I can only learn from it, hopefully.

And truth be known, if I go back to those moments there were probably other reasons that held me from grabbing onto it. If I feel something is right, I grab ahold and go after it. D does not come by it strangely. When I wanted to go to college I attacked it and managed to whittle my 30K loan down to a $1,200 by going after scholarships. I was relentless. By the time I was done with my BFA I was spent. I had been going to college non-stop since my Junior year in high school after going to a full day of high school I would take classes - every semester, including summers. I carried 19 - 21 credits when I went to college full time and worked. I needed those straight A's. But, I also burned out. I over did it. It is why I don't let D push herself to the extreme. She knows how my pushing lead to my near down fall in college and my body said "uncle". I don't think it was any coincidence that my B12 levels plummeted and the deficiency I was susceptible to came on at an early age. It is something I have to be so careful of now. I still have to remember to take care of myself.

So maybe the MFA was not in the cards and I was okay with it. It allowed me to stay at home and focus on other things. I worked. I sacrificed other places to stay home with the kids - a decision I will never regret, especially with MLC having rolled in.

It would be easy to question the decisions I made in the past. Many of them, even marrying XH is not one I will question. At that time, it was the right thing. Now, he has chosen a different path and I often think it is because he has avoided the tests life has thrown at him. Maybe if he had addressed some of them we would not be where we are at. But, the reality is  we are here.

I am a romantic at heart, but I know enough not to focus on just that part of things.

My meeting tonight stirred something in me. I am really not sure what it is. I am not entirely certain it is about pursing a masters, but I am feeling that bug to attack something - learning is definitely in there. I am still processing. I did learn that this might not be as impossible as it seemed. Going back for my MFA seemed impossible and many had said it was too bad I didn't go right after my BFA - as all of my experience now would not count for anything. But, it would seem this particular college, a well regarded program, approaches it a bit differently. There is a strong possibility I might be able to knock a masters down to half of the credits based on my professional experiences.

If nothing else, it just seemed like a little spark. It would have been wonderful to have a partner by my side cheering me on. I am not stuck in that place. I sat there tonight and did not focus on any of that. It didn't occur to me while I was sitting there to worry about that. I thought of possibilities and how I was going to make it happen. I thought about it on the way home and I will let it settle in and see what my gut tells me.

I know that the little spark I felt though was noticeable. It woke something back up - just not sure what yet.
« Last Edit: April 17, 2018, 07:54:04 PM by MourningDove »

Offline Savoir Faire

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3998
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #52 on: April 17, 2018, 10:07:05 PM »
I'm so sorry to hear all your bad news, you've had your fair share of grief lately MD :'(

Maybe pursing a Masters will be something to strive for and take your mid off all the negative stuff out lives throw us.

Take care,

((((((((Hugs)))))))
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline UrsaMajor

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 5460
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone, you aren't a pizza
Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #53 on: April 18, 2018, 01:17:04 AM »
MFA?

Speaking as someone who got his B. Sc. and M. Sc. as a full-time working adult, I just say one thing - if it is what you want, GO FOR IT!

It isn't easy but it is possible!  And, since I FINALLY finished paying off my 35K$ in Student Loans in January of this year, I am relieved.....

Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer is initiating D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online Mortesbride

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1239
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #54 on: April 18, 2018, 05:38:17 AM »
I'm going for my BS Biology and Health Science, and it is hard work, particularly this year...but I don't regret it.

Because at the end of this year I will be one step closer to a better life, and I will have done it when most people would be in a puddle.

There is a sense of pride and achievement in that. Something no MLCer can take from you.

I say go for it.  :-*

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3194
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #55 on: April 18, 2018, 06:56:16 AM »
Thank you, Savoir Faire, UrsaMajor and Mortesbride.  :)

I am not sure what I want to do yet. I am taking it all in. What I do know is one of the things that I am taking away from last night was the overall feeling. I thought about it quite a bit this morning as I got ready for my high school group. I have been feeling a lot of feelings that seemed buried.

There are still moments of stress. Certainly the last couple of weeks has had serious ups and downs, but there is a different feeling brewing. I am actually looking forward to things, which is not so much new, but the sense of ease is. It is not to say there isn't fear in there at times or uncertainty - but there is a strange mixture of excitement of what might be possible and a sense of calm and peace.

I won't say that there would not have been opportunities for me like this if XH and I had stayed together. These things might have still happened, but that is really not something that really makes any difference at this point. I can't say what would or could have happened. I can only go by what I know right now.

What I felt last night, I believe I have pinpointed it to realizing I don't have the same weight on me like last spring. I was still working through the divorce. I was still dealing with so many unknowns and uncertainty. The uncertainty is there in many ways, but it feels more like opportunities now. I believe it is the reality of no longer being in limbo. I still have the MLCer popping in and out of life, but his crisis is not affecting me in the same way. I have more control over what is now my life. He chose not to be part of my life. I can't change that. I can only see what awaits me and it is not only okay, but I am actually looking forward to some things that are materializing.

I have no specific plans and I am okay with that as well.

I will know whether or not a masters degree makes sense or not. I don't have to decide now. In all reality, there is no way I am going to be able to pull the stops out and go in the Fall. Because they review life experiences as credits, it would require a very comprehensive portfolio and not something you can slap together - or at least I would not feel good about that. If I go into this, I am not going into it half-a$$ed. It is not my nature to do that.

I am learning to trust my instincts again. That alone, feels good.  :)
« Last Edit: April 18, 2018, 06:58:55 AM by MourningDove »

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3194
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #56 on: April 19, 2018, 06:22:47 PM »
I got a text from XH earlier. It was part of a group text to the kids and I. He wanted to know if we were still "on" for tomorrow for our weekly meeting. Suuuuurrrrre. The kids and I are a bit skeptical, but we said we would meet for an hour. At one point he addressed the kids in the group text. He used a phrase that had D and I looking at each other with a WTF look. (S was at home while D and I were at PT). He asked about our availability. I told him when I could meet. I really don't have a heavy load tomorrow, but I am not letting him hijack my day. He then proceeded to ask the kids about their time. The WTF look came when he stated "children, when are you available"?. We said he could have an hour. He is very excited and offered to buy pizza if I would order it ahead of time. Hmmmm.

He went on to say something about next week already, but I did not answer him. He is not getting time with me next weekend. Not happening. I am not sure I have time next week at all for him. We will see what the early part of the week looks like.

After PT, D and I went off and got dinner. D mentioned needing a dress for her National Honor Society Induction and for her Senior Ball. She wants to bring it up tomorrow. I said to go for it, but did she realize this will mean her F will probably want to go this year to see her try things on. She shrugged and said "whatever". She said she is willing to play this game a bit if it means I am not footing every bill and it is a small price to pay. She did say that it was sad that at one point she enjoyed shopping excursions with her F. Now they seem like torture because of his need to "buy" her affection. UGH.

The rest of my life is calmer the past couple of days. My friend will be cremated and his ashes are being sent North. My sister and I insisted this happen. My F and M are having a hard time with the whole thing, but my sister and I have said we will take care of his last wishes. The attorney is working through the paperwork. She indicated that our friend left my sister and I each a trust fund. Not sure what it means. My M was shocked as to why he would have done it this way. I know exactly why and my sister confirmed it. At the time he was rewriting his will XH and I were still muddling though the MLC, but divorce was on the horizon. My friend saw what happened financially with XH. He told my sister he did not want XH to have full access to any financial assets and this was meant for me. He set it up as a trust for ease for my sister and I, but ultimately the trust was there to protect me. I have no idea if there is $5 in it or $5 million - LOL. It doesn't matter. I think what struck me is this friend was so fond of XH, but saw what a mess he had made. He always was protective of my sister and I and it shows how carefully he thought this out. For that alone, I am grateful.

I have been very blessed with good people that surround me.  :)

Offline Anjae

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 13563
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #57 on: April 19, 2018, 07:44:11 PM »
I have no specific plans and I am okay with that as well.

Going with the flow is a good thing.  :)

I am learning to trust my instincts again. That alone, feels good.  :)

Excellent.  :)
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Savoir Faire

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3998
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #58 on: April 19, 2018, 09:43:36 PM »
I got a text from XH earlier. It was part of a group text to the kids and I. He wanted to know if we were still "on" for tomorrow for our weekly meeting. Suuuuurrrrre.  The WTF look came when he stated "children, when are you available"?. We said he could have an hour. He is very excited and offered to buy pizza if I would order it ahead of time. Hmmmm.

So funny Mourning, my xH still treated the children as if they were tiny tots after he left.  MLCers must forget they are grown up now ::)  I hear this a lot on here, muddled minds.....

I'm glad you are feeling more settled today, it's been a horrible week for you.

The thing about MLCers is that he wanted SOOOOOOO much to leave you and now he's asking for weekly meetings ::)  Make up your mind H, you can't have both.

"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline UrsaMajor

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 5460
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone, you aren't a pizza
Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #59 on: April 20, 2018, 02:02:38 AM »
Dove,

Unless my memory is totally in Launch mode and I have managed to rewrite history...

Wasn't he asking for weekly meetings like ... 3? 4?  weeks ago?  And he's just now finally getting around to it?

I still have to wonder what the purpose is... I mean, he surely doesn't need you so he can deal with the kids  or vice versa... He doesn't need to have a "meeting" to pay what he owes for S or D's schooling...

Just give him "the look" for his anchor check cuz that ship done sailed!

Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer is initiating D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3194
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #60 on: April 20, 2018, 03:55:48 AM »
Anjae - Thank you :)

Savoir Faire - I find that XH doesn't seem to know how old the kids are. He has moments where he treats them like adults, but then goes back to when they were about 5. The phrasing "children" is something I cannot say I ever have heard him say even when they were little. He had pet phrases for them. The whole thing is just bizarre. 

And even if XH makes up his mind about the weekly meetings, I have made up my own mind, which is I am not necessarily willing to participate every week. If I do meet with him regularly it is only to make the schooling happen for the kids. I have no desire to play "pretend" and be a "family". This to me has moved to primarily business at this point.

UM - no, you are spot on. He did ask about 3 weeks ago. In all fairness, D was away and he, himself had a business trip he was on. However, he tried this with the weekly "texts" which seems like a lifetime ago.

I have a good idea of how this will go. It is based on recent history and I wish I were not so jaded about it in many ways. Even if I no longer want to reconcile with XH, I do wish he would step up and be a father again. But, I no longer am holding onto that dream. It will probably take years and the kids are pulling away, just as I did. It becomes too exhausting to not only hope for it, but to deal with the uncertainty that comes along with MLC. Add a dose of monster and you want to just tell the midlifer to just vanish and go figure themselves out.

I am willing to bet, XH will come in all happy and want to sit at the "family" kitchen table. He will want to say "grateful" with us and hold hands while we do it. I am willing to bet D will not be able to hide her sarcastic tone. I am willing to bet that XH will try and control this little "exercise" of his and want a spread sheet and huge amounts of "data". He will behave like we have seen him in early MLC, trying to play director and when he doesn't get his way he will say he cannot work this way.

I could be completely wrong. In many ways, I would like to be. I would love to have an actual "adult" conversation and make progress. One of those "what is going to work for all of us" type of solutions. But, I cannot see it happening any longer. It would be a great surprise to see positive movement.

What continues to surprise me is that I no longer want him around. In fact, he has been so difficult in MLC land that he almost resides in the same realm as my 2 aunts. Negative, toxic energy. I am not looking forward to having him at "my" table tonight. I am not looking forward to seeing him at all. I will be relieved when he leaves.

Maybe if he does his mirror work I will work my way back to at least an outer ring of my circle, but he will never work his way back into my heart. He jumped on that and nearly smashed to into oblivion. I won't risk that again with him.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3194
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #61 on: April 20, 2018, 06:41:21 AM »
Some days I cannot turn that "thinking" part of me off. LOL

I know why this jaded part of me is rearing it's ugly head today.

XH's desire to meet is part of his script. How many times I heard him try to convince me that "we" needed to divorce and that "we" would still be a family. The desire for him to have Sunday family dinners. The belief nothing would really change. The words he kept telling me - "we can still be friends and you will always be my best friend".

Words - lots of words.

Maybe he believed those words. I think his life is not nearly as wonderful as he imagined. So he continues to follow the script in order to avoid the reality and admit to himself or anyone else it was a mistake.

The difference this year is I am no longer willing to follow his rules. He has made it impossible for me to go back and I no longer want to move forward and hope our paths meet.

I do not hate him, nor will I ever hate him. I hate what his crisis did to our family and the pain he inflicted. I have forgiven him for most of his garbage. I have compassion, but the difference is I am no longer willing to trust him anymore. He isn't doing any real inner work - if he were the request for a meeting would not be handled in the manner in which he is handling it. He is approaching it very much like early MLC behaviors. We are back to square 1.

I will give him his hour. That is all he gets from me. My life is much calmer, even with all of the upheaval recently without him in it.


Offline UrsaMajor

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 5460
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone, you aren't a pizza
Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #62 on: April 20, 2018, 07:47:09 AM »
Quote from: MourningDove
XH's desire to meet is part of his script. How many times I heard him try to convince me that "we" needed to divorce and that "we" would still be a family. The desire for him to have Sunday family dinners. The belief nothing would really change. The words he kept telling me - "we can still be friends and you will always be my best friend".

Words - lots of words.

Based on those words from xH (which I have also heard WAY too often from my STBXW - "Oh, but we'll still be a family. We'll still be friends") ....



Sending you good thoughts for the hour of doom.... Once D unloads a couple of truth telephone poles, he'll probably go away... Or just let the Velociraptors loose on him....
Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer is initiating D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3194
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #63 on: April 20, 2018, 01:41:20 PM »
UrsaMajor - that is exactly how I feel - Blah, blah, blah.  ;)

As far as D throwing truth telephone poles, IDK. Right now her nerves are clearly on edge and I am experiencing the benefits of that ::) Wow, she is cranky. I snapped back at her and reminded her that I actually had not been home most of the day and I was sorry if she was unhappy with my progress with the pile of donations by the front door I forgot to take today. My bad. She knows chaos makes her F uncomfortable. (Maybe that was my plan - LOL ::)

I had a staff meeting today and I had a bit of time so I stopped and saw my F for a bit. My M had a lunch date. My F made me a cup of tea and we just reminisced a bit.

I left to go pick D, but realized she had said she was staying late today for test review. I took the time to run over to the home improvement store. Before hitting the store I made another stop and got a hug from a good friend of mine I haven't seen in several weeks. It was a whim, as I was driving by the place where she works. We chatted for about 5 minutes and she was surprised to see me. I just wanted her to know I was thinking about her.  :) It made both of our days.

I was in and out of the store quickly, so I had some time before having to pick D up. I went and sat by the lake. I got thinking about sailing. My F has a sailboat. As a kid, we would go out regularly with him. But when I was in college there were days like today we would finish up at school and my F and I would take a trip over to the mooring. Days like today we would not have been able to convince my M or sister to go. Too cold for their likes. My F hasn't taken the boat out in years. The place where he kept it is long gone, but the boat sits in storage. S has asked about learning how to sail. I think this summer I am going to convince my F to go out again. S is old enough to help lift the mast, as it is a cumbersome pin set up.

Sailing made me think of life in general. For anyone who has sailed, you might have a destination, but you have to rely on the direction the wind is blowing. You have to adjust your path to get there. There were times we encountered storms that rolled down the lake that were not predicted. It would lead to my F, who was a purist at first deciding that maybe an emergency motor was a good idea, after we were stuck in the middle of the lake with no wind and an aluminum mast as a lightning storm came over the hills.

I thought about it and the trips to the lake were different each time. Some days the waves would be crashing over the sides and we would have the boat on edge - my M hated that and refused to go. My F and I loved taking it to the point where we thought it was going over. Sometimes the wind would die completely and there you would sit, hoping for that next gust as you baked in the sun. There were other times the wind would suddenly change and you had to make sure you weren't hit in the head with the boom. And then there were those days where it was just smooth, peaceful sailing.

It is funny, as I haven't really thought about sailing in a very long time. We have mentioned it in passing, but I can't remember the last time I really allowed myself to reminisce about it. Today would have been one very cold day on the lake and probably not the best sailing, as the wind has been changing direction all day.

The thing that struck me was no matter what the conditions we always seemed to make it to our destination. Sometimes quicker than other times and sometimes it took a long time.

I think that is how I am feeling today.

My meeting with XH - is like being prepared for the possibility that the boom may swing and I may have to duck or put up a hand to stop it from whacking me in the head.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3194
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #64 on: April 20, 2018, 01:58:15 PM »
I find humor in stupid things. I admit it. There is something rather apropos about finding a note for XH where I did.

There was a gentleman that would stop regularly to see XH. I knew his D very well, as she was in school with S. She faithfully sold us Girl Scout cookies every year until she graduated. S was pretty upset we no longer had a neighborhood connection in order to buy his favorite cookies.

This man had sole custody of his D, as XW ran off with OM - yes, of course pure MLC and the XW reappeared 5 years later trying to reconnect. He had moved on. He had very strong opinions of affairs, etc and at the time, XH was right on board.

I have not seen him in a very long time, but he continued to stop here from time to time as he and XH were both into MGs and Triumphs. XH and S were restoring 2 of them at the time. XH took one with him. Another was brought home and sits at my property line and S has the other in the garage, on hold. But, it has been a couple of years, easily since I have encountered him.

I was outside earlier, so this had to have happened when I went to pick up D. I have a clip on my front door that hangs from a small hook, and most people know it is there. There are also plenty of spots on the garage to leave things. But no, the note was under a rock on top of my garbage cans. It was addressed to XH. Handwritten on a slip of paper from this man. Wanting to stop and see what progress XH has made on his projects.

I will give XH the note. This outta be fun. LOL. Of course, I know the whole story will be twisted and "we" will have agreed to a divorce, blah, blah, blah. But a little piece of me is laughing at the thought of XH feeling a wee knot in his stomach.

Shame on me ::)

Offline Shocked

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1366
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #65 on: April 20, 2018, 03:01:40 PM »
So glad to hear you have that wee feeling!!!! I can’t wait to hear the outcome of this encounter!!!! Good luck not smirking!!! 😊
I care🤗
H 51
W 58
M 22 Years
2 AD both married from my first M
BD 12/15 moved out-in replay, vanisher, MOW in Atlanta
D 2/17

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3194
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #66 on: April 20, 2018, 06:31:29 PM »
Shocked - glad I had that "wee" feeling earlier. I will get it back, but right now - not feeling it. LOL

So the encounter...
Since the XH, aka Dumba$$ - and yes, he deserves that tonight after this encounter, said he would buy pizza. I decided since he was paying, I would add wings to the mix tonight. LOL. (I did offer to pay for the wings, BTW  ::) I had to go to the grocery store, so I ordered the pizza and picked it up instead of having it delivered. Kind of wish I hadn't since I walked in and XH was already here and had begun to work his magic.  >:(

I was nice and brought him a beer, although I did not bring him his favorite. I was not that nice.

I should have gone with my first idea and let the dog slobber all over it.

He had a spread sheet he was creating. He was in full on "I am in control mode". By the middle of dinner he had D wound like an eight day clock and she was already grouchy. He did some quick math calculations and had her convinced she is going to deep in debt. Will she have debt - no doubt, but not nearly what he projected. I could see her nearly crumbling under the pressure. I bit back at him and said to back off. How he came up with his magic number is beyond me, as he himself said her first five years there looks like there is only a 10K gap max per year, but it really is looking more like 5K.

He demanded to know why this or that had not been done according to his requests. D snapped at him and ran down our schedule the past couple of weeks. We have all been busy. He is sending us a group email to review the notes we discussed.

It was all very much like I anticipated. What I didn't see coming, and I should have.

That sailboat boom - I didn't need to duck - I wish I had one to clobber him with. He told D before I got home that her support check could go towards her college payments. UMMMMMM NOOOOOO - our divorce decree is more than clear. It is not that I would not help her and use some of those monies towards her tuition, but it is meant to keep a house for the kids and for additional expenses. The divorce decree states he is liable for 60% of expenses - that aren't covered by medical and college tuition. I know he somehow must think I am naive. He is in for a very rude awakening.

He was here a bit later than he said.

He pressed for a meeting next week. I told him I was busy all weekend. He then made the comment "the kids are our most important focus". The kids replied I was always there. They know I have plans and neither have complained.

XH left and sent a follow up "thank you" email. I was beyond fuming. This was an exercise in his need for control. This meeting was very much like experience with XH at mediation.

I need to put myself back in the driver's seat.

S and I are going to watch a movie. D has retreated to her room. I need to give her space. UGH


Offline stillbaffled

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3611
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #67 on: April 20, 2018, 07:38:08 PM »
Sitting through that every week!?!  Geez, poke a fork in my eyeball instead!  That's going to get old very fast. 

And of course you're not surprised that he dropped the "support money" bomb.   I hope you can sit down with D and show her your calculations so that she can step away from the ledge. 

Speaking of D, when is her prom?  Ours is tomorrow night and I'll be glad when it's over.  It's been a stressful week.  This prom adviser stuff is lots of work! 

Hope your weekend improves. 

Status on the commissioned piece?  It was 55 degrees here yesterday and today.  We may have all the snow gone in another week or so.  Maybe the ice will even be off the lakes in time for the May fishing opener!   
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Online Mortesbride

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1239
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #68 on: April 21, 2018, 03:09:07 AM »
Pretty sure I would have shot back ''You are right, they are MY most important focus'' and walked out the room.

Maybe a low blow..but I will be pissed if mine ever tries to tell me something like that after THEY walk out.  :o

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3194
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #69 on: April 21, 2018, 10:07:20 AM »
stillbaffled & Mortesbride - My tongue was probably bleeding by the time we were done from biting it so much. If it had just been XH and myself I would have shredded him. He had pushed me to that point of anger and probably by most standards more than justifiable. It would probably bounced right off the MLC exterior, but I wouldn't have cared at that point.

However, I am glad I took a different path. The kids were sitting right there the whole time at this family meeting. They have seen more than their share of this type of behavior and I was not going to add to their discomfort, which MLC was completely oblivious to.

Not only that, it really would serve me no purpose, since nothing is making a difference in terms of words.

I am going to make the downpayment for D's school no matter what. He can blame me - he will anyways.

The stress level was insane after he left. He gave S a directive to do this and that before our next meeting. I looked at S and said it would require a call to our accountant, so he needed to wait. S made some comment that he wanted to get it done as soon as possible so that he could get "genius" (very sarcastic tone) off of our backs.

D retreated to her room. S and I watched 2 mindless movies which were luckily the type that you laugh at even though they are not only predictable, but stupid. He was going to work out in the garage, but I knew his heart wasn't in it. I came up with a solution that surprised him. We put down drop cloths and covered the chairs, etc and he brought his car part in that he was needing to sand. It was not something I normally allow, but I just didn't care last night. We both needed to decompress and I know my kid, he needed the company. I am glad I rolled with it. He was careful and cleaned up his mess. No harm done.

I woke up early this morning, but couldn't function. I was drained. I went back to bed and woke up at noon. This cannot happen again. I am not letting XH drain the life out of me. I will bounce back quicker, but I need to get control over this again.

I am going to make it very clear to him that support is for food, clothes, insurance, cell phone bills, etc. and most importantly keeping a roof over the kids' head. It is spelled out very clearly in the divorce decree. I will haul his a$$ back into court if need be. I will push for garnishment if need be. He really has ticked me off and put me in a protective mode.

I think the MLCer has forgotten one thing about me. While he knows I hate fighting, I am in fact incredibly protective of those I let into my inner circle. Our kids are certainly in that inner circle and I will fiercely fight now that I have a foothold. The divorce process did not give me the same power. Now that the divorce is finalized and he has been absent for the most part for 2 years, he may have a serious MD problem if he is not careful. I will play nice a bit longer to get the kids settled with their college deposits, etc. But, I will be carefully planning in the background a counter strike if need be.

For today though, I am going to grab the rest of my day and enjoy the weather. I may have to do some yard work to burn off the negative energy that built up last night. The shrubs had best beware.  ;)

stillbaffled - the commissioned piece is still in a hold pattern. They have to wait for the ground to thaw a bit more I believe before they set the mounting stone. Once that is done, then the sculpture is going in. We are waiting on a progress report. I do know the piece made it there safely and is in storage.

As far as the prom -hers is in early June, thankfully. But, that does not mean there hasn't been stress with that. She is already anxious and wanting to get a dress. Not fun. D is very slender, but has obvious curves. It poses a bit of a problem in that the dresses can be very revealing, which she is cautious about or we have to find a size or 2 bigger and have them altered to fit her mid section, which is about a size 2. It is not always a fun event, as she gets aggravated. Not only that, she is keenly aware that it comes out of my end of things and I don't complain, but these "extras" just punctuate how her F skates on his responsibilities financially.

We may go out this evening to shop, we will see.
« Last Edit: April 21, 2018, 10:15:46 AM by MourningDove »

Online Mortesbride

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1239
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #70 on: April 21, 2018, 12:05:02 PM »
Funny that you say that.

Generally speaking I am not bothered by people, unless they are doing something completely wrong (bullying, beating someone up) etc.

Do whatever religion, occupation, hobbies you want...just don't hurt other people doing it.

But I WILL fight fiercely for those in my inner circle. There was a time when I would have fought blindly for Beast, even if I knew he was wrong, I would fight for him.

They know that about us I think. But what they seem to forget...is eventually they will no longer be in our inner circle. Eventually they will be cut out, and we will no longer fight fiercely and blindly loyal to one who has betrayed us so much.

Eventually we detach, and our loyalty shifts to ourselves (and kids), and suddenly they aren't the centre of our world anymore.

I wonder if it comes as some big surprise to them.  ::)

Online Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3139
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #71 on: April 21, 2018, 12:21:48 PM »
I must admit, Mourning, that doing this once a month max would be enough for me  ::)
From the outside - don't know if it feels that way on the inside - it feels like XH is creating a ritual almost that meets some need in him. He gets something from it...but it sounds like it sucks a lot of energy from the 3 of you?
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online Bailmor

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 926
  • Gender: Male
Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #72 on: April 21, 2018, 12:47:08 PM »
MD, my question would be, what did a face-to-face meeting add to the situation?  Can’t all of whatever he wanted to “meet” about have been done through email or online?  No need for personal meetings, in my opinion.  Hope you and the kids get back to a somewhat normal state of living. 
If you are feeling down, know that God Has always had a wonderful plans for you.  Unfortunately, there are things that happen and forces that work to try and keep us from reaching what He has for us.  The good news is that there is healing at work.  God is always working in and through your life to try to get you to where He wants you.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3194
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #73 on: April 21, 2018, 08:46:09 PM »
Mortesbride - I am very much an inner circle person and you are correct - I too would have fought blindly for XH. He has lost that and once I push someone out, they no longer get my fierce protection. The next person who comes along will have that benefit.

Treasur - I believe this is a need XH has. Part of it is his desire to control something, anything. Part is a need to also play out his story. He has told so many that I am the reason behind the financial strife in his life. He was shocked last night when I said I would use my savings to pay the kids' deposits for college. He could not believe I have a savings. It isn't much, but I have been trying to do my best to rebuild my finances.

Bailmor - The face to face proved that we are no where near able to work together. I am going to push for email and remote correspondence. This "family" BS is going to be put to a stop as much as possible. It was not productive at all.

The bulleted list was very telling. Not only was it in bullet form, he had color coded it for each person. What pushed me to a point of no return was in fact when he had with each thing we were to attack he had a question after each item - "Did you do this or not - Y or N?" None of us have answered him. I really wanted to just answer FU.

I finally gave up trying to accomplish anything today around the house. I was fried. D and I decided to just get in the car and go look at her prom dresses.

Before I we left, I took the dog for a quick walk. My M saw me and asked a question about XH and the meeting last night. It must have stirred quite the response. My M actually laughed and said she now no longer doubts my words in regards to taking XH back. She said she knows this response in me - I AM DONE and I am in fact full protection mode.

On the way to the mall D let it all out and I was fuming. I didn't let her know how truly enraged I was. Seems XH's monster is back in full force.

He showed up and D had been fast asleep. She had a full week and she often naps on Friday afternoons. He showed up early, walked into her room. She said she hadn't heard him come in and had turned her phone off so she had not seen his text. She was answering a couple of friends and he yelled at her for not being at the table waiting to start "our" meeting. She said he went up one side of hear and down the other. D does not break into full on tears easily. She said she was crying before I came home, but didn't want to upset me.

Who is this guy?? I could not believe it. He then told both kids he was going to write all tuition checks to them because he wanted to "make sure they went towards tuition". Both kids were pissed. They know I don't spend the support check on myself. In fact, D commented that I rarely spend on myself or at least I put their needs and keeping the house running before I think about myself. So, this is part of XH's need to sell that story as well. Whatever - I really don't care. If it makes him pay tuition then so be it. Let him keep that up. It is coming to the surface all on its own. The kids are seeing through it. And I don't care what he thinks about me. He is no longer factors into my decisions regarding my life.

D got it out and I assured her it did not matter what her F did and I am making a deposit this week for both she and her B. I told her I would not let her F factor into this decision. He is trying to flex his muscle and I am done playing nice. D said he thinks he is coparenting, but he is not. I then told her I may have to get ugly and take him back to court. I will keep the kids out of it, but I told her I was prepared to be nasty. She said she understood and felt relieved in a way that I am not going to let her F control the situation.

It didn't take long for D and I to change modes as we drove by one of our favorite stretches of highway. XH was not mentioned the rest of the night. But, I have to admit I was thinking about how last year he gave her a hard time when she went prom dress shopping. This was less stressful.

She found a few dresses and we ended up sending photos of several to my sister. Seems my nephew (10) felt he wanted to participate. He gave his opinion, which was quite funny. He let us know which ones were not the right color. His favorite was a sparkly one we tried for the cut. There is no way D would wear it, as the glitter was coming off on her hands.

I am glad the mood changed and we were able to shake the XH encounter. He and his MLC can stay away.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3194
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #74 on: April 22, 2018, 05:03:55 PM »
Today has been quiet on as far as the MLC XH is concerned.

Next weekend XH is taking S to college for a visit. It is accepted students day, which S found out after I had already made plans. S is not willing to let me give up my time and he pressed for his F to do it. Today, S informed me that he knows how much I give up my time for he and his sister and that I will be there plenty of times for the two of them. He said I have been at their side all along. He said he did not want me to feel guilty whatsoever having an adventure of my own this coming weekend.

He joked and gave me my rules. I informed him my M already laid down the ground work and explained. He laughed and said if my M can ease up, so will he. It all revolved around needing a curfew, but my M apparently has lifted my curfew. LOL She in fact said if for some reason I was not coming home to let her know and she would take care of the dog. Okay??  I told her I wasn't sure what my plans were and D is home as far as I know, which may or may not change.

Not exactly sure what the change is in her, but my F and I had a good laugh as she has been over protective in the past few months.

My sister said she thinks my M realizes I am strong enough to fly on my own again.

I got up this morning and was going to work on the inside of the house. I took the dog for a walk and the nice weather could not keep me inside. I started the monumental task of cleaning off the back patio. The storms have left tons of downed twigs and leaves, more than I can ever remember. As, I was raking, I turned the pump on the waterfall and pulled the netting off of the pond. The fish did not survive the change in temperature. They were fine 3 weeks ago. This up and down extremes were too much for them. The pump was not working and I realized I had a bigger problem. I was going to leave it, but I love my waterfall. It is one of the best things about the back yard. I was anticipating having to buy a new pump. But, it turned out the hose had worked it's way off. I laughed when I realized how that happened. The dog at one point early on in the winter decided to venture out on the iced over pond - something she has never done - thankfully. The ice broke and we got her out immediately. Beyond that, there is no way that hose would wiggle off of there.

I was not looking forward to that task. I knew what it meant. I had 2 choices, wade into the pond and brave the cold water, or drain the pond. Draining seemed like a better plan, although I knew it would take longer. I am glad I went with draining the pond. It allowed me to get all of the debris that had bypassed the netting this year and deal with the fish. D came out and made a face. I was certainly not feeling terribly attractive at that moment. D was cracking up knowing I had spent quite a bit of time doing my nails last night. That manicure never had a chance.  ::)

I saw the neighbor was outside working away. His BIL was best friends with XH and I for years and the neighbor was a year behind me in school. I have known him a very long time and he is like a brother to me. His youngest S had gone up to help my parents do some yard work. I walked over with beer for the 2 of us and asked him about the 2 weddings coming up. Both daughters are getting married. The one changed her plans in regards to the orchard when her uncle offered to host it a beach house this summer. The oldest is getting married in June. My neighbor was asking about the kids and XH. He noticed XH's car in my driveway and was prepared to come over to check on the kids since I was not home, but he saw me drive in. XH is still under the belief that they are buddies, but I know that my neighbor is very protective of the kids. He knows the monster lurks under the surface. If nothing else he would come over and play the part of "beer buddy" just until I got home.

He filled me in on the weddings and about his oldest S, who was a student of mine and I had wondered how he was doing in school. He was laughing at my outfit. I told him it was a good thing I liked him and we have known each other for so long. Of course I said who could not resist a woman covered in pond slime. He then said he knows someone out there will appreciate me someday. He likes to refer to XH as a Stooge. He said the Stooge is going to regret his decision some day and he said he knows I clean up well.

As we were chatting, the youngest S returned. He is a good kid, but struggles in school. He is a hands on kid through and through. D catches him wandering the halls often. He right away wanted to let me know that D roams the halls frequently. I know she does - often and with permission from her teachers, as she is usually on a mission. His F caught on right away and the first question was how did S know this - logic would say that means he is in the halls frequently. Fun watching the 14 year old wiggle out of this one. Furthermore, his F said he was willing to bet that D had a pretty good GPA - he shot me a glance and I said her lowest grade was a 98 this quarter. Then I asked what subjects he was struggling in - Algebra and Bio. I told him S was a math whiz and would help him and D helps S with his college Bio, she would certainly help him. As it is he has a huge crush on D, he liked that idea.

I came in to get cleaned up and D had made dinner. I was shocked. The kitchen was cleaned up and she had prepped fruit for her lunch tomorrow. I was a bit surprised. She cooks quite often, but she had also walked the dog twice today without me asking. I had to ask her what was up. She said I was trying to make things nice again in the back and she knew draining the pond was a horrible job, so she thought she would pitch in and help where she could so that I could come in and take a hot shower without worrying about those tasks.

I wanted to cry. When I finished showering and getting dressed D was outside with a smile on her face. The white lights had come on in the trees and she was looking at the clean pond and listening to the waterfall. Her smile made it worth the hours of being covered in slime.

Offline UrsaMajor

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 5460
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone, you aren't a pizza
Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #75 on: April 23, 2018, 06:40:20 AM »
Quote from: MourningDove
I came in to get cleaned up and D had made dinner. I was shocked. The kitchen was cleaned up and she had prepped fruit for her lunch tomorrow. I was a bit surprised. She cooks quite often, but she had also walked the dog twice today without me asking. I had to ask her what was up. She said I was trying to make things nice again in the back and she knew draining the pond was a horrible job, so she thought she would pitch in and help where she could so that I could come in and take a hot shower without worrying about those tasks.

I wanted to cry. When I finished showering and getting dressed D was outside with a smile on her face. The white lights had come on in the trees and she was looking at the clean pond and listening to the waterfall. Her smile made it worth the hours of being covered in slime.

I think I will leave off the rant about xH and the a$$hat moves and just focus on the positive... THIS brought tears to my eyes...

I agree with Bailmor though.. there is NO need for face-to-face meetings with xH.... What IS needed is a whole big can of Whoop-A$$ opened up on him.... Or maybe a copy of the relevant passages of the degree highlighted in yellow with a color-coded bullet list....  or maybe just




One question though... how did xH just waltz in the house and appear in D's room? THAT $#!t has to stop. He no longer lives there, he no longer has any rights there....
Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer is initiating D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online Thunder

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 16493
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #76 on: April 23, 2018, 07:53:08 AM »
Mourning, I certainly agree with UM.

He has no right anymore just walking in your house like that.
Did you ever change your locks?   >:(

As far as the "meeting" I'd just tell him there will be no more.  If he wants to know something he can just ask you.
Ugh, sorry...he just makes me mad with his constantly trying to control things.   :-\
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3194
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #77 on: April 23, 2018, 08:24:16 AM »
UrsaMajor & Thunder - in all fairness, he didn't just waltz in this time. I was getting some groceries and had decided to pick up the pizza instead of having it delivered. XH texted and asked if anyone was home in a group message. D had her phone turned down, as she was napping. S was home, but his truck was in the back lawn so XH did not see it. S answered before I did and said he was home. I followed up with asking them to go in and set the table as I was only 10 minutes away.

D has been sleeping downstairs in what used to be the library since her surgery 2 years ago. We have been working on redoing the rooms upstairs for the kids and it has been a slow process with all that has been going on. So, at least XH did not go upstairs. Had he gone that route there would have been words exchanged. As it is D's "bedroom" is right next to the bathroom, I suspect he heard her rustling about and went in.

His meetings are coming to an end. I was so drained on Saturday and while I bounce back quicker, I will not allow his drama to zap me on a regular basis.

His need to control continued this morning with a group text. It was another bulleted list of what we discussed and what was the outcome of this, that and the other thing. I haven't really read it thoroughly, TBH. I was having too good of a morning and I will address what "demands" need to be addressed. Beyond that, he gets very little of my attention.

His text came in right as I had a couple of others come in. I had gone into school early since D texted me in a panic because she forgot her clothes for her physical ed class today. I was not going to have her fall into meltdown mode this morning. She had rebounded from Friday's antics and in fact my parents noted she stopped to visit with them and was in a very chatty mood. She and my M butt heads, so it was nice that they had a good afternoon visiting for a change.

My coworker and I were standing there before the students showed up and he was asking about my weekend. We had started to plan out the way to attack the day and XH's text came in. My expression told it all. My coworker laughed and said he knew who that was. The second text was from someone else that I texted and poked fun at before I went into work and the comeback caught me off guard and my coworker laughed and said it was clearly NOT XH. No. LOL. I said, no, this person actually will get a response and makes me laugh.

As the students filtered I called one of the students over. I had brought in an old laptop, that works, for this student to disassemble and use for his project. He is designing a working computer for his part of the mural and needed a small monitor. His eyes lit up and he was shocked I was giving up that computer. It is outdated for the most current software I need, but was at one point the top of the line Mac laptop that I used when I worked with XH. You would have thought I handed him a winning lottery ticket. I got so much joy watching him carefully pull it apart and analyze the design. A couple of other students gathered around and cheered him on. This kid is usually the "outcast" of the group and he needed this. The others asked questions and he was full of information. They had a new respect for how smart he is. They helped him, making sure the little screws he pulled out didn't get lost, etc.

As I was standing there with this group another student came waltzing up to me and handed me a fork. I looked at him with a WTF look. He then handed one to my coworker, who also had the same look. Then I looked at my coworker and we both knew exactly what was going on.

This student is from Puerto Rico originally and had been telling the other students about flan. They didn't know what it was. He said his grandmother had a family recipe for it and his mom makes it once in awhile. He said she is too busy to make it now. Last week my coworker and I encouraged him to ask his M to teach him the recipe and for him to learn how to make it on his own. He made 3 attempts last week. He brought the first flan in on Friday and shared it with the class. My coworker was at a conference and I was at the gallery for a staff meeting. So, this weekend that student made another flan for the 2 of us. He kept telling me all the things he did wrong. My coworker, who was raised in the restaurant business and was a chef laughed and said considering it was his 3rd one ever, he was doing incredibly well. He was so pleased with himself and he said he plans on surprising his M with one for Mother's Day.

I am not going to let XH ruin my day. It is sunny and incredibly warm out. I walked the dog, but she gave me a reprieve this morning. She slept all night, then didn't get up for breakfast and was still asleep, although the stinker had popped my bedroom door open and was on my fresh made bed. She was still sleeping at 10:30 when she finally decided to get up and start the day. I walked her and she is back napping - hmmmm. I was worried she was sick, but she seems fine. Maybe those walks with D combined with mine yesterday wore her out.  ;D

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3194
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #78 on: April 23, 2018, 10:50:44 AM »
S has been very quiet about the Friday night meeting. He tries to stay neutral, but I have noticed slow cracks in the foundation of XH's and his relationship.

It is not what I want for the kids and XH. XH was a good F. But a break from the MLC monster is not only a good thing, it is necessary as long as XH is in monster mode. The kids need less drama. As long as he insists upon being emotionally abusive, it is not a surprise that the crisis will take this type of toll.

There is a certain sadness with it, I will admit. I really don't want this to happen, but XH's actions result in certain consequences that I have no control over. I will just hold tight and be a stable force when I can. I will take whatever hits I have to for the moment so that the kids know I will not waver on my support for them no matter what XH throws into the mix. They know this support does not mean it is a free for all - I have rules and they abide by them.

S paid his college deposit Friday night. He didn't hesitate to pay for it himself. XH claims he is paying him back. We will see what that means - part of it? All of it? Hmmmm. Why he couldn't come up with part of it on Friday is beyond me, as he had his checkbook on him. Well, I do - it is all about control.  ::)

S went to my parent's house for lunch. He spends as much time there as he possibly can. He loves seeing them and I know they love having him there. We have a running joke as my M regularly sends home cookies or brownies she has baked. D and I know it is not with us in mind - LOL and we both are okay with that.

S came flying in the door before having to go back to work. He asked me a question from the "bulleted list" XH sent. I said I needed his passcode to complete that request, but I would gladly take care of it. He was writing down his information for me and then he got very excited. He wanted to go check the maximum weight capacity of his trailer. He knew by my glance I was waiting to hear what was I needing to prepare for.

S has become very good with thinking things out. He has made mistakes, but he also saw the madness of XH and purchasing items. He showed me a picture of an antique bulldozer. I laughed and said "why?". He calmly explained that he went next door and spoke to the neighbor first, who used to sell tractors. The neighbor said this is a very unique piece and in tact. Even if it were sold for scrap metal S will make money. But, if they can get it running S said they ran the numbers and he could easily sell it for ten times his $400 investment. S said he is trying to decide what to get rid of, as he doesn't need all the toys.

This is a different response than XH ever had. He had a "need" to own 7 motorcycles at one point and I lost count of the antique cars he was going to restore. I know I have a couple of the motorcycles in the shed and a couple of the cars on the property - what he didn't sell or couldn't take with him. Mine now.

S consulted my F as well. Apparently, my F, who does not release money easily was ready to fork over the money to pay for it and help S haul it back with him. My F was like a little kid and he was all over it. My F has a love of antique tractors. It is a love he passed on to S and one they bonded over when S was a toddler. They go to see the one local antique tractor pull and just about every year. When S was about 2 he had a different sound for every tractor and knew the difference between tractors by their sound. He didn't talk much and in fact we feared he had hearing problems or a delay in speech. The specialist laughed when S brought his tractors with him and had no problem showing off what sounds each model made. He was just a kid who didn't have a need to talk. LOL

What shocked me about this afternoon was S's next comment. He said he is not sure if he is even going to tell his F. I hadn't responded. S said he knows how his F will feel about this and S went on a rant how he is prepared to tell his F that he has no say in what things show up on this property any longer. S said he will be sure to haul his antique tractor out of XH's garage before he has any words with XH, but he is sure it is coming when his F shows up. I laughed and said he has to realize I am going to hear about this and the sh!t storm will hit. S said he was sorry about that. I shook my head and said "bring it on".

S went on to say he knows his F will use this as a reason to play the "I am not helping you with college" expenses. He said he is also aware that the divorce says XH has to help D and S, but S said he doesn't care. He will do whatever he has to do to go to school. He has already spoken to his boss, who usually doesn't have part time workers. S is so valuable the boss has said S can come back and work whenever he has time during the school year and for summers.

He stopped and asked if I was okay with this happening. I told him he has plenty of data to back up his argument and in this case he has my blessing. I suggested he take another load of scrap from his GF's house that is at the property line to help pay off the bulldozer. He said that makes sense and the salvage yard happens to be on the way to where the bulldozer is.

He gave me a hug and ran out the door.

I am not giving in because it will piss XH off. That is just a bonus ::) ;D

Okay, in all honesty, I know this is one of those projects my S and F will love working on together. A $400 investment that even if it doesn't come back financially seems like it is well worth it. The time they work on this is something no money can every buy.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3194
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #79 on: April 23, 2018, 10:57:31 AM »
Well, that did not take long.

XH felt the need to text D during school and say I was stonewalling him and gave a sob story about how he is being shut out.

He got a side of me he is not going to be happy with. I informed him that I too have responsibilities that require my attention - like prepping for my paying job. I am waiting on colleges to return calls, etc. I said while his desire to be helpful is welcome, stressing D out at school is far from helpful nor beneficial for any of us involved. I went on to tell him as an adult he might want to actually speak to the other adult in the mix as I am more than capable of answering his questions.

Crickets.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3194
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #80 on: April 23, 2018, 11:05:58 AM »
For the record - I am not upset. This is just way too comical at this point.

I got a response.

"This system is flawed".

Hahaha. Really?

He added he made a commitment to our children. I gave myself time to compose myself after falling on the floor laughing. I said, I of all people understand a commitment to my children. I informed him I was waiting on answers to some of the questions.

Come to find out, MLC idiot accidentally sent me a text meant for his B - as in BIL who D is close with. Whining about how I am unreasonable, blah, blah, blah.

Wanna take any bets how that will fly with BIL when D gets a call from BIL and he finds out XH is bothering her at school during a time when she is studying for an exam.

Okay - it is sad and upsetting, but right now I am laughing at the madness. Idiot. All I can do is laugh because the reality is beyond pathetic.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3194
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #81 on: April 23, 2018, 11:53:02 AM »
I went to pick up D. I got another text. I am willing to bet it will be quiet now for quite some time - at least until this weekend, as S and XH will be traveling to see S's college.

I got a long text back about how I can just let him know when we should meet again and in the future he does not want to meet at the house because "I don't feel comfortable there".

My sister called as I got the text. I relayed the text to her. She said of course he is not comfortable there any more. D sits in his seat at the table. The kids and I have adjusted to life without him (due to his own actions) and we have our own routines. The dog mostly ignores him as do both cats. The neighbor does not walk over to chat with him.

Furthermore, he did not have control over what he thought he would. None of us are playing along with his games the same way.

D thanked me for running interference.

The whole thing makes me a combination of sad and sickened. But, I am not going to spend time in that place. I have accepted while it is sad this is where his choices have taken him. I have been nice for most of this process and taken my beatings. I am done playing nice all the time. I will try and stay true to my core and take the high road, but not by always biting my tongue. I am human and I am in protection mode. His little tirade to D set her off. I will interfere to protect her and let her have a successful end to her senior year. That is where he made the fatal mistake today. His need to stir the pot and get her upset would have potentially had her in tears again and I dealt with that last year at this time. I had a depressed kid on my hands. She speaks up on her own, but her focus should be on school, not dealing with a man-child who is having a temper tantrum.

Yup, he tripped my protection wire. He has done it now. I will not demonize him in public and I will still hold true to those things. That said, he will not get my best behavior if he pushes. I will push back and if I do, it will be swift and he will feel it. I will unleash the damaging information my attorney has if need be to protect the kids.

Offline UrsaMajor

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 5460
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone, you aren't a pizza
Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #82 on: April 23, 2018, 12:44:49 PM »
Don't mess with the mama bear..... ever..... Or this is what happens....



He really has lost his marbles, hasn't he.... "This system is flawed." Indeed... and which system would that be? THe system where he pays what he is supposed to? THe system where he is actually a father and not an a$$hat? The system where he supports his kids instead of trying to run them down? I could go on but you get the drift.....

The Hawaiians have a saying (or at least that is the first place I ever hear this particular version) .... "When Mama ain't happy, ain't NOBODY happy.... When Papa ain't happy, don't nobody care...."

I guess he'll finally get the picture when he is totally alone.... Just make SURE that neither S or D will let him stay with them when they are married <snort! As if....>

After all...
Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer is initiating D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3194
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #83 on: April 23, 2018, 01:35:16 PM »
UrsaMajor - that is about how angry I felt when he sent the text to D. It was so full of "boo hoo, poor me". That would be fine if he hadn't been bashing her for months about this whole thing. What did not add to his mood was the fact that he got shut down by the college when he called them. Seems D did not list him on her contact information. I had no idea. She said that was in part due to the fact that he has never shared with her his new address, etc. He only communicates via text. Communication on his terms.

So, I found out that the counselor D was working with moved out of state abruptly and the office has been scrambling to catch up and divide up her work load. It explains the reason she did not respond to my emails. They were very accommodating and apologetic. We are all set and I am going to make a deposit tonight. XH can just choose to participate or not. I am not going to hold my breath, nor am I going to let D be held hostage by his manipulative behavior.

She was so rattled that when I went to pick her up at 2 she didn't come out right away. Her friends came out and scared me. Two of her closest friends, who are like daughters to me saw I was texting D and not looking up. They tapped on the hood of the car and made funny faces. They bounced over and said D was pretty upset. She came out and she seemed better. I didn't push.

When we got home I gave her a hard time (lovingly) about how I noticed her OCD had kicked in and she had cut up cucumber slices and organized them. That is her stress sign. She giggled and offered me some. I made sure I did not mess with her beautiful layout and selected carefully. It made her laugh. She said she was sorry she was late but she went and had a good cry in her one teacher's room.

Crisis aside, there is a point where he has made a choice. He likes to tell everyone I keep him from the kids. Both kids have said that I don't stand in his way. I have made mistakes and I am sure he is not comfortable with me, but that is on him for the most part. I don't have it in me to pretend his behavior with the kids is making me feel all warm and fuzzy. If he wants to help and be a father, it is not the kids and I keeping him from doing it. He has to want it enough to fight through the discomfort. It is the discomfort he created - something he has to walk through.

Because it is uncomfortable, he will continue to avoid it, further compounding the MLC damage. I don't know when or if he will ever to a point where he stops to see that he is the one who holds a big part of that solution. We can't fix it for him. And frankly, I am past the point of wanting to put any effort into helping him get there. He is on his own. He wanted his freedom and no responsibilities. The thing he did not factor in there - at what cost?

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3194
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #84 on: April 23, 2018, 02:06:21 PM »
OMG - if one would like to know what it is like dealing with a MLCer who has their knickers in a twist...

I shared what information I had regarding D. I will not hold out information. He claims he wants it, I will share. He no doubt will twist it, but I wrote it out in black and white. He responds to bulleted lists. LOL

So at one point during his rant earlier, I had responded to his complaints and it was a simple, "I am sorry you feel that way, but so noted".

Guess what all of the responses from him have been with the information I just shared with him

Every single one - "so noted".

My kids behaved like this when they were 10 for heaven's sake.

Whatever. I shared and did what I said what I would do. Let's see what he does with this information. LOL

Bet the support check this month is messed up again. I can't wait to see what name he writes down and what color he uses this time. I am almost able to gauge his monster mode by these checks.

It is a good thing I have a sense of humor because this is just beyond comical at this point in a very twisted way.

Offline KeepItTogether

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3321
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #85 on: April 23, 2018, 04:04:10 PM »
Omg Dove. Xh is just exhausting! I hate how he puts the kids in the middle. So childish.

But wow—both S and D seem to have really good heads on their shoulders. That speaks volumes for you and your parenting.

Love the story about your D making dinner. Good reminder to keep focusing on the kids. But these crazies make it so hard sometimes don’t they?  Well I have supreme confidence that you will prevail in this latest snag.
Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Offline stillbaffled

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3611
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #86 on: April 23, 2018, 04:13:14 PM »
Well, that did not take long.

XH felt the need to text D during school and say I was stonewalling him and gave a sob story about how he is being shut out.

He got a side of me he is not going to be happy with. I informed him that I too have responsibilities that require my attention - like prepping for my paying job. I am waiting on colleges to return calls, etc. I said while his desire to be helpful is welcome, stressing D out at school is far from helpful nor beneficial for any of us involved. I went on to tell him as an adult he might want to actually speak to the other adult in the mix as I am more than capable of answering his questions.

Crickets.

Well, geez, I'm just shocked! 

Or NOT! 

Man, MD, your MLCer is just determined to continually rattle your D's cage.  Enough!   >:(
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3194
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #87 on: April 23, 2018, 06:03:16 PM »
KeepItTogether - LOL - XH is terribly exhausting and I cannot even imagine how he keeps going. I have to deal with the monster, but to be the monster has to be a whole other experience.

stillbaffled - Yes, XH is trying to control D, much like he tried to control me. He is losing his grip on D and it seems S is pushing back as well.

Both kids do have a pretty good handle on things. My parenting may be part of it, but as I have said, XH was a very good F for a long time and I am so fortunate to have a wonderful supply of support systems at my disposal. For instance, D's teacher today. She knows D well and has been there since XH bolted. She knew XH prior to this MLC coming on full tilt. S had her as a teacher as well, so she has seen enough to know that this is not the "normal" version D was used to.

I have my parents who, as mad as I have been at XH and they have heard my rants, they have adhered to my wishes and they do not demonize XH. XH is not discussed unless the kids bring him up. They have also been mindful of not telling others things about him as well. They understand the toxicity is not productive for any of us. This has really lead to the kids feeling safe to be themselves and we try and focus on their lives as much as possible.

It is not easy to not go off on XH. We slip up from time to time. Like tonight.

I got in the car to go to class. S decided he would drive. XH drove by the house earlier in the day on his way to the factory. He was still very short with me and clearly not happy. He was going to pay for S's tuition deposit. He paid for a third it would seem. But, he refused to stop at the house and drop it off to S in the driveway. Instead he drove to the college. First he refused to meet S at the college and was going to make him go into the city out of his way, but then changed his mind. When we got to school, XH was in the lower parking lot, and we were there half an hour early, so there was plenty of time. But instead of just meeting us in the lower lot, as we pulled up along side of him, he said he would meet us up above. Okay. Strange. I got out of the car and gave S my debit card to go take care of some things for me after his class. I didn't even speak to XH who now has a huge crack in his windshield. (More repairs on his car). S gave me a quick hug and I didn't even acknowledge the monster.

I am not rattled. My class went extremely well and I am in a good mood. I have pondered what prompted this desire to go to the upper parking lot. I am not going to monkey brain it, but it would have been where XH and I actually parked our cars for our night class years ago when we first started hanging out together. It was just a bit odd. It could be nothing.

He is clearly pissed at me and I just don't care about if he is mad at me or not. In the past I would have felt bad. I have never wanted to hurt someone I love and always tried to work through those moments we were upset with one another. I would never hurt him on purpose, but I no longer care if he is ticked at me. I don't care if he never speaks to me again. It has been pushed to that level. His monster is thriving and as long as he has any monster living in him, being civil is going to be tough to even muster. I will do my best for the kids' sake.

I am not holding my breath with the money for D. I will just suck it up and make my notes to my attorney. I will decide what is worth battling for and what is not. It shouldn't be like this but it is. I will fight when I have to, but after this last round I don't care if I have to foot the entire bill for D and S for college on my own. I would rather work hard and have peace than to try and squeeze money out of him at every turn and live more years in this MLC monster land.

That said, he will find himself dealing with a new version of MD from here on out. It is only reserved for him. I am not going to put up with his crap the same way. I frankly hope he does not darken my door for a very long time. I hope he goes off and finds himself at some point. Until then - no MLCers are allowed.

Offline UrsaMajor

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 5460
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone, you aren't a pizza
Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #88 on: April 24, 2018, 02:51:07 AM »
Sorry but I just can't resist....




All xH needs now is a visit from Hagred! <heh heh heh> with a 2x4....
Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer is initiating D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Savoir Faire

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3998
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #89 on: April 24, 2018, 05:05:53 AM »
Your H is exhausting.  He reminds me of mine, totally crazy and controlling too.  Still in monster mode most of the time as well.  They are twins.  There is one difference, your contacts and still wants to control and mine never contacts and does all the controlling through lawyers letters.  Mine is more cowardly, the good thing about that is I don't get to engage with monster.

Love the crazy animation UM, I'm going to look that one up.  I might find someone to send it to one day ;)
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Online Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3139
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #90 on: April 24, 2018, 05:14:27 AM »
I agree with Savvy, and her experience is closest to mine - control through silence, inaction and L's letters - but a recent dollop of rage-y monster control tantrum absolutely made me just want to say No (polite version) and walk away. Exhausting to deal with and fundamentally pointless. Definitely a File under F for Futile thing!
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Savoir Faire

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3998
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #91 on: April 24, 2018, 05:33:20 AM »
LOVE your post Treasur ;D  Maybe we should begin to rename our H's "Futile thing"  ;D
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Online Mortesbride

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1239
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #92 on: April 24, 2018, 06:38:11 AM »
...so noted.  8)

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3194
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #93 on: April 24, 2018, 10:55:30 AM »
Mortesbride - that was very well done. Duly noted. LOL

UrsaMajor - thank you for that laugh. LOL. That about sums it up.  ;)

Savior Faire & Treasur - yup - we have a whole group of MLCers that seem to hover in monster land. And it is about control. They need control over something. Futile thing is a good name, although my XH fell under several names yesterday afternoon that were not nearly as kind.

His need to control, I am sure is in part due to the fact that his eldest B is not doing well. We knew this was happening, but it is just a matter of time, so of course XH needs to find something to try and control. Lucky us.  ::)

Last night S informed me that XH referred to me as the "devil woman" but on the flip side XH was also very upset I didn't say hello to him and chat in the parking lot when he dropped off the money. S was shaking his head in a WTF manner and saying his F has clearly lost his marbles. So, now I am sure the world will hear what an awful woman I have become, blah, blah, blah. I am not too worried about his opinion or those who believe his stories.

This morning I was at class and I was a bit frustrated. The mural project had a snag. The administrators wanted to see this happen, but as usual the original idea hit the desk of the one person who does not embrace the possibilities and while some of his concerns were valid, we had a couple of options. It had to do with cutting out certain parts of the mural and requiring using power tools. His concern was the kids using the tools. I had to laugh, as they are in high school and we would be monitoring them. But, okay. My coworker and I decided we would ask the tech teachers in the main high school if they would be willing to get their students to cut the pieces out for us. It was a perfect solution for a variety of reasons. Again, the administrators thought this was a fantastic collaborative effort and saw merit in it. I know both tech teachers extremely well and S's project blue prints are on the wall as examples - they adored him and I knew I could call in a favor. But, again we were stonewalled by the same administrator. I looked at my coworker when the students started to just give up. We were ready to take the boards home and do it ourselves. He laughed when he noticed a gleam in my eye. He said he knows that look - the look of "eff this - I will get around this". He was right.

Now, I do not do things to break rules. I will adhere to things that make perfect sense or are valid arguments. What I don't like is "stupid" and things that impede the success of the students. I won't do anything to get into trouble, but I will not back off of solving a hiccup like this. This administrator is just one of those that likes to flex their muscles and when a project is done he will take credit for it. I don't care - he can have his photo op, but I was not letting this go. My students have worked far too hard to be stopped by something that makes no sense. They needed a solution and to be shown how to think outside the box. (They had no idea what the true hiccup was - all they knew was we couldn't do it the way we had planned - we were careful enough not to throw politics into the mix. The kids would have shut down and felt they had no voice at all). I told them we were going to have to think outside the normal "box".

It happened quickly and I didn't give anyone a heads up. I had a lightbulb moment. I grabbed my phone and texted my S's boss. My coworker was cracking up and wondered what I was up to. This will get done come hell or high water.

S's boss has a special cad machine for cutting out wood forms for his cabinetry. I was willing to bet I could take my sheet of plywood over there and get it done with little effort. His boss replied within seconds. I am meeting him this afternoon. My students looked at me with big eyes and were shocked. I said that is why you keep your networks guarded and you don't abuse them. They asked if I knew he would say yes. I answered that no, I did not, but what harm did it do in asking? What they don't know is he will probably do it for nothing for me, but I will make sure he gets at least a case of his favorite beer out of it.

I stopped at my parent's house for a cup of tea. My F was off with another artist. They were delivering artwork to a gallery that represents them both. My M had taken D to PT yesterday for me and M wanted to share the conversation she and D had. She said D was very talkative on her way home. My M was pleased. D and my M have a tough relationship. They love each other, but are quite similar, so they butt heads. My M had been of the mind that D is part of the problem, but after hearing D say what she did, my M now sees that XH is destroying his relationship with D. D said she has come to realize she may have to cut her F out of her life, at least in the short term. She said that his mental games are going to derail her life and she won't allow herself to be sucked into his choices if it means it is going to affect her this way. She expressed some compassion for her F and his crisis, but she said he is being mentally abusive and she has worked too hard to get this far. She said that just because he is stuck and refuses to acknowledge his problems does not mean the rest of us have to be stuck too.

M said she did not really realize how much this has affected D. D is not one to express these things to others. I hear about it, but she is very private most of the time. She releases her frustrations and will eventually talk things out, as she knows it is not healthy to hold it in. However, she also is not one to share everything with just anyone. She told my M she will not be a victim of her F's crisis any longer.

I think my M finally gets how painful this is for D and maybe now sees how holidays, etc are a tough thing for the kids. D may be stoic, but she has a huge heart. Her F has continued to stomp on it throughout this crisis.

What the little exchange in the car with my M tells me is D knows who she can rely on. She knows, in spite of she and my M butting heads, that my M is one of the biggest supporters she has. That "confession" to my M - I also know XH, who my M thought of as a S, just lost the one person who would have maybe given him a chance if he did some work. I think now that she has seen the true depth of D's loss XH has sunk his ship with my M.

If you think a mother is protective - there is nothing that compares to a grandma whose grandchildren are screwed with.


Online Thunder

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 16493
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #94 on: April 25, 2018, 05:19:57 AM »
You got THAT right!   >:(
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3194
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #95 on: April 25, 2018, 01:02:18 PM »
XH pounded the nail straight through the coffin with me months ago. He has moved on and it would seem he is determined to keep hammering away. S is growing weary of it, but D is really digging in. He started yesterday afternoon again with her and then waited until it was her usual bedtime, although I am doubtful he has any clue as to what her schedule is. Or maybe he does and it is part of his manipulation. He texts her during school and late at night. Back and forth - in a passive-aggressive manner. It is exhausting for me and for D. Now it seems he spent more time today doing more of the same.

D said she would deal with him and when she asks for my help it just fuels his continued monster. She has decided to just use me as a sounding board. Her comment last night to me was that she feels sorry for him and has some compassion as he is clearly struggling with something, but she is not willing to keep putting up with his behavior. Her comment was "it is time for me to just let him go and he needs to figure out how to get help".

I was ready to call him and lay him out in lavender, but it wouldn't help. I might feel better to vent, but the reality it would bounce off of his MLC exterior and not even pierce part of that shell. And his monster will keep finding energy. It is best to let him burn out on his own.

I had decided to change my approach back to a more positive direction yesterday after class. The fire I was feeling was in response to the administrator and my frustration, but I also knew part of it was pent up energy left from the XH encounter. I needed to channel it. By doing so my stress level went down and I was able to accomplish what seemed impossible.

S's boss told me to come over around 2:30 yesterday. I got there and he was in a meeting with a client. I talked to one of the women in the office. S was out on a job and this woman told me how much they love S and what a truly good worker and young man he is. I didn't want to take up too much time, so I told her to have the boss text me when he had time free. He called me half an hour later and was so apologetic. I was cracking up. I said he should never apologize to me, who is asking him for a favor when he was running his business. He was worried I drove all the way there and I reminded him I only live 3 minutes away, it is not exactly a problem to drive back over.  ::) ;D

He met me in his "outdoor office" because it was too nice out and why be inside? I explained the project and the hiccup to a degree. He said since I have the file already laid out and to scale the only thing he would need is the plywood sheet and the file saved in a different format. I am able to do both easily. He said when I get those things to just call him when I am 5 minutes away and he could have it cut in half an hour. He was more than happy to help me out, especially since it was a school project.

While I was there he asked me to stay a bit longer. He proceeded to tell me that he is sorry to be losing S to college, but he is willing to let him work any hours he can. He has a S and D of his own, but said to me he really thinks of S like his own kid. I have seen that in action as he has really taken S under his wing. He then asked me a personal question regarding XH. He said S does not talk about it and I could tell him to take a flying leap. He knew XH prior to MLC. He knew he was a good F. I gave a quick "kind" synopsis. He and his first W divorced years ago, so he knows it is not easy, but he never gave up being a F. He said he knows marriages are tough, but to leave his kids, especially when they are such good kids is mind boggling.

Before I left he then asked what was going on with my own situation. I laughed and asked what in particular. He said he and his W want to know when I am coming to take over their marketing. I told him to just let me know what he is thinking. He is noodling it through how to bring me on board. LOL

I got home and immediately texted my coworker "and that is how it gets done". He called me within seconds. He never calls me. I thought something was wrong. He was so excited that I had a solution so quickly. He too had been busy with some covert action. He enlisted the help of a couple of the IT teachers who are adding working light relays, etc to this.

When we presented it to the class the energy and enthusiasm changed today. They wanted to know how I managed to get this done. I said I asked and sometimes that is all you have to do - ask for help.

In the interim my student who is the big teddy bear told me that his M burned up his permission slip for the field trip today. I had a perplexed look on my face. He doesn't usually share much right away. He said it was because his M was drunk and they had a disagreement. He said his M is one of those angry drunks. I was careful as to not push too hard, he lets these things out when he is ready. I was able to find out that he lives with his F and step M, who he really likes. I had him go call his step M, as she is listed as one who can give permission. He was cleared for going. He thanked me.

When the kids left I thought about a conversation I had last night. It was about how many F'ed up situations I encounter. A question was posed to me last night about what Xh might be replaying. I already have thought about this several times, but after that was asked combined with this scenario this morning I realized I am not going to get nasty with XH unless absolutely necessary. This is not about being a doormat. This is going back to how is my energy best used. I would rather work more jobs and help my kids than to replay the scenario XH had. His parents spent years fighting and the resentment and bitterness settled in.

What will it cost me - money. But the greater price to pay would be my own sanity and the effects on my kids. My kids might still have their own issues after all of this - IDK. But right now, I have control over how I react. As long as XH pays support I will forgo the college argument. In the long run it is unfair and maybe some would say it is a battle I should fight. But, I will be happier if I have to work harder to help the kids achieve their goals than if I keep having to deal with the monster and I see more of what I am seeing now. If he chooses not to pay he will have little to no say in what happens with them. It will be their decision based on his actions. It will not be because of something I have done while fighting with him.

He can go continue to fight with his inner demons.

Offline UrsaMajor

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 5460
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone, you aren't a pizza
Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #96 on: April 25, 2018, 02:57:29 PM »
As long as it doesn't consume more energy than you have then you are making the choice that is best for you and for your kids....

I know exactly what you mean though not playing into the FOO Dynamic that they so desperately seem to need to relive.... And NOT playing into those issues is probably the best thing we can do in order to maintain our sanity.... It may very well not do diddly-squat to kick them out of the tunnel but, even so, WE keep OUR own sanity and can look ourselves in the mirror..... which is better then the Mid-Lifer....
Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer is initiating D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online Thunder

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 16493
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #97 on: April 25, 2018, 03:02:58 PM »
Oh Mourning, I'm sure UM has some kind of picture of him fighting his demons.

It can't be very pretty for him.
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline UrsaMajor

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 5460
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone, you aren't a pizza
Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #98 on: April 25, 2018, 05:11:57 PM »
Oh Mourning, I'm sure UM has some kind of picture of him fighting his demons.

It can't be very pretty for him.

But of course.....

Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer is initiating D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online Thunder

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 16493
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #99 on: April 25, 2018, 07:11:26 PM »
PERFECT!   :)
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3194
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #100 on: April 25, 2018, 10:03:16 PM »
UrsaMajor  & Thunder - I don't think it is pretty for XH. I cannot imagine what emotions must be brewing.

I realize I am not super human and need balance in my own life. I think my decision about not fighting with XH is really more of a need for my own peace of mind. His antics have so rattled life again these past few days. I think what ultimately I mean by my statement about potentially working more jobs is really just that I will do what it takes. I know I can't physically or mentally sacrifice myself. But, I will figure out other solutions. I will work in other ways - such as helping the kids look for scholarships, etc. It may not really translate to physical labor. I am just going to focus on things that take me farther away from XH's behaviors and try to find more positive solutions. A better way to spend my energy and time than fighting with him.

Tonight D had PT. My M took her since S and I had class.

On the way to class S informs me XH has asked him about some things at the property line, again. He would like this or that. I told S I was tired of this game. If his F has anything he thinks he wants to BUY from me he can speak to me. I made it clear that I was looking out for myself and both kids from here on out. I told him I was going to be selling several things in the near future that have been on the list and we would be using it for college expenses and any other things, but they would be my decisions to make, not XH's. S's response was a bit surprising - he said "good".

I was having a really good class tonight. The students were working hard and making great strides in their projects.

I received a couple of random texts before I left for the night. One was from my high school friend. She was with me at lunch when I received the news about my friend. She knew him well and called to see if there had been any funeral arrangements. She also wanted to see if my plans were still on for this weekend and if not she jokingly told me I could come help her out at her H's business this weekend instead.

I then got a text from D. She was in severe pain. I know exactly what is going on. She sent pictures. Her toes were swollen and it is the nerve flaring up again. At her last visit the doctor confirmed something I suspected. Part of the issue with her ankle and foot injury is this ongoing nerve pain. It flares up when she is under severe stress. Her F had texted yet again this evening. I advised her as to what to try, but I was prepared to call the doctor if need be. I resigned myself to the idea that I might have to be taking her in to get a shot in her foot tonight if need be. By the time I got home she had some minimal relief and was trying to push through the pain.

S had gone off with his friend after class. I was cleaning up getting ready to go when my colleague came in with a box for me to give to my F. It was from my F's former secretary, who still works on our floor. I looked at the box and wondered what it was as did my colleague. I burst out laughing as it was a huge box of candy that only a select few would know my F likes. She had gone on a vacation and happened to stumble upon the factory that makes them. S came home and saw the box and had the same reaction I had. He and I know my F hides these from my M, although we are sure my M knows about his "secret" stashes of candy in his truck. He doesn't eat them all the time, but he knows my M would not like having so much candy around.

Earlier D had asked about my weekend plans. She knew we were going hiking at least the one day, but she also knows I am a person who will embrace adventure. S also asked and thought he might alter his plans ever so slightly. I was curious. They both grinned and asked if we would be hanging out at the house. I am not sure what our plans are as they might change. They said that my friend who is coming to visit might be worthy of a velociraptor induction ceremony. They both noted that I laugh a lot when I hear from this friend and they like the laughter. They have both been fairly protective of me, and any new person who shows up in my life gets an assessment by the kids. It is not a formal thing and they don't say anything, but I know they are carefully assessing the situation. I know that if they are suggesting a velociraptor pile on they think this may be a worthy opponent. LOL.

I was grateful the night ended with a bit of laughter. The past few days have been manageable, but there has been a layer of stress that has been hanging in the air. It has not gone unnoticed by the kids and I. We know what has disrupted our household. We agreed tonight that we were looking for more laughter again.

 

SMF spam blocked by CleanTalk
Legal Disclaimer
The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.