Author Topic: My Story Reassembling - is there a manual?  (Read 1584 times)

Online Treasur

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My Story Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #20 on: April 09, 2018, 10:30:24 AM »
I'm so sorry to hear about your nephew too. I guess it is all the more reason to honour your choice to fight so hard to create some stability and safe love for your S and D....and your D's insight about control when MLC turns the world into a crazy random place is very wise.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18

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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #21 on: April 10, 2018, 07:20:54 AM »
Thank you UM & Treasur. I got my tears out and moved past the sadness. As it is that I lost touch with my nephew 20 years ago, there is very little I know about his more recent life. I can't say that I miss him and I don't mean that to sound callous. My reactions were about the little boy that I knew and what he could have been. A sadness for a life lost.

I knew what would be following. And it is another round of sadness. But this sadness is more for my kids and for XH. This will send XH further down the MLC spiral. I wish I could say it will be his rock bottom, but it will simply push him further into the fog and possibly leave him there for more years than I can possibly imagine. I would like to have a more positive outlook, but the reality is too strong to ignore. Being that XH is so deep in the tunnel, this is not going to make him "snap out of it". How he reacts will filter down to the kids.

XH's eldest B (BIL 1) has had heart problems for years. He has had 2 bypass surgeries and should have had a 3rd, as he was told 3 years ago. He kept putting it off. He has never watched his diet, in spite of doctors insisting he change his ways at least a little. He is fairly fit, but should have been exercising and laying off some of the foods.. He developed diabetes along the way and that too he seemed to dismiss.

Having had a grandfather that was a strict "meat and potatoes" guy who had to have heart surgery, I know that a change in diet can make all the difference in the world. My grandfather modified his diet and exercised after his surgery. He lived another 20 years without any problems. He still ate his steak and french fries, but he would cut the portions and they were treats.

But BIL 1 at 62, has been a ticking time bomb.

XH and the other brunettes (3) all have good health and a fast metabolism. The red heads, like BIL 1 seemed to follow MIL's genetics. XH's one B, number 5 of the 6 kids, died a year ago in March. Now nephew. What is around the corner is the anniversary of MIL's death in a few days. March and April for XH have been rough for awhile.

BIL 1 was in the hospital a while back. I am willing to bet it was right around his S's death. It makes sense. Now, S received a text from XH's cousin that BIL 1 was in the hospital again and the only option now, because he waited so long, is a transplant. It doesn't look good.

S is ticked at his F. The cousin broke away from XH's wishes that the kids not know. This cousin, whom I have never met, is an addition in MLC. It has not been a bad thing. He has been very good to S and in some ways has replaced some of the parts XH has dismissed. XH's cousin never had children of his own with his long time girlfriend. He is the one that now checks up on S, to ask how the truck is progressing, etc. He has shown an interest. When BIL 5  was in the hospital and on his deathbed, S and XH had taken what was supposed to be a vacation. XH, instead, spent all of his time at the hospital. This cousin took S for the week and kept him occupied. S knew his uncle way dying, but was grateful to not have to watch the process.

So, while I have never met this cousin, I have been grateful for how he has been a good support for S now that XH is semi-interested.

This cousin knew S is close to his uncles. BIL 1, before MLC was always good to me. After XH moved out though, he himself was going through something and aside from sane BIL, the rest of the family circled the wagons. I am now considered the enemy. I can't say it didn't hurt at the time, but I am not playing by my in laws rules.

S was grateful for the information. He knows the possibility is his uncle will not survive. He felt he is old enough to handle the news and he said he would rather know than to be left in the dark and pretend that this is not happening, no matter how sad.

If BIL 1 does not make it, it will no doubt send XH into another level of darkness. His family, the one that blew up when his parents divorced is the thing he has been trying to throw a lasso around and pull back together. The only time the siblings actually all get together is for funerals. Beyond that, they have not been able to get along for years. XH was the one who communicated with all of them. I have lost count how many times this one wasn't talking to one of the others. There was always a feud going on and you never knew if they were still battling or had made up. It is all the residual of the toxic divorce. Sane BIL has said it as well - the divorce never ended for his siblings.

As XH's family continues to fall apart, he is having other problems. The SUV he had to have. The one that Schmoopie said he deserved is having mechanical issues again. It was one of those things he could have afforded before, but after dumping clients right and left it is a bit of a drain on his finances. S said XH has had to put nearly 4K into it over the past year and a half. I shrugged and said "choices and consequences". S smiled and said that was exactly what he was thinking.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #22 on: April 10, 2018, 10:08:58 AM »
XH dropped off a check last night. It was his third that "he" came up with as a solution for tuition. Fine. It is at least something. It is not the 60% he is supposed to pay for D's education, but I will take whatever he gives me at this point and shake my head as he thinks somehow this makes him a hero. If I pushed him on the true amount, the reality is he would welcome the fight and tie up things in court. I wouldn't see a dime for a very long time. I am really quite done with the legal battles. So, I will take what the "Great Benevolent MLCer" will part with. And it comes out about even, considering he was able to skate with the idea that S was emancipated.

The check was made out to S. S was annoyed, telling XH that I paid for the entire tuition and the check should come to me. XH knew this, as it was made clear at our "meeting" that evening. He repeated it back to us. He may have forgotten in MLC land. Minor annoyance.

I took it to the bank to deposit the support check and the tuition check which S signed over. Of course, the check that was signed over - post dated for the 14th. I sighed as the neighbor girl waited on me and shook her head with a knowing look. I told her I would be back with that check promptly on the 14th.

S came home for lunch. BIL 1 has pneumonia and XH has made light of it. Maybe he will be fine, but I looked at S and he agreed that this was not a good thing.

As I was plugging away at some little tasks around the house my computer notified me of a message. I thought I had pretty well shut down Xboyfriend. Nope. Seems he is back for more. He tried another tact, but it was still very transparent. I am not afraid of him. I have seen the posts he puts on FaceBook. I think I have a MLCer and a needy one at that. I was abrupt in my answer to his question. I gave him no more than what he asked.

My friend told me I should be flattered. I really am not. I think I might have to become the wall flower I was when I was in grade school. LOL. But, I don't see that happening either. My dear friend assures me this lets up - the weirdness. LOL. Gosh, I hope so.  ::)

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #23 on: April 10, 2018, 06:34:49 PM »
All caught up MD.  I'm sorry to hear about your nephew, and I'm sorry that you haven't been able to go out and have some fun with co-worker, his xW sounds like a piece of work, but you are right, his son comes first.

xH is also a piece of work.  I am sorry you have to continue to deal with that.  Looking forward to reading about the changes after D turns 18.   ;D
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9907.0#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline No expectations

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Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #24 on: April 10, 2018, 07:01:10 PM »
 Dove,

I'm so sorry about your n.  What a shame.   My oldest s has been addicted to drugs for more than half his life.  When I think of the person he could have been,  I just feel a loss.  How sad.

As for your d, what a great young woman she is turning into!  Both your children have been raised to think on their own.  Despite MLC.

You should be proud, my friend.
Married 10 1/2 years, together 17.  BD 9/2016, 2nd BD 10/16.  H moved out 10/16.  2 AS's from my first M.  Me 55, H 49.  OW 23.

"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through; how you managed to survive.  You won't even be sure if the storm is really over.  But one thing is certain; when you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person that walked in...that's what this storm is all about."

"The trick is to enjoy life.  Don't wish away your days, waiting for better ones."

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #25 on: April 10, 2018, 07:13:38 PM »
FaithWalker - Thank you. However, it is hardly anything close to what you have had to endure. I am so grateful your S did not succeed in his attempt. You have been in my thoughts.

No expectations - drugs and addiction are just so powerful. It is a sad thing. In my nephew's case I think it angers me because in his case his parents pretended he didn't have learning issues. I have to think in his case it certainly played a part. That said, I also know plenty of people, like my deceased BIL where addiction was something he was predisposed to. Addiction is a horrible thing for anyone to endure - and for their loved ones to witness. I don't know how you do it, No expectations - you have so many things you are dealing with and you stay so positive in spite of it all. Having a child with drug addiction must be pure hell. I cannot imagine.

I feel sad for my nephew and the circumstances. While sad, I have not seen him in years, nor spoken to him so it was more like losing someone I knew, not someone close - if that makes sense.

I have been out and about. My coworker's situation with his S makes our age difference a bit more noticeable. My kids are so much older at this point. I have gone through this stage. LOL. It is fine. We have fun at work and laugh a lot. That alone is a good way to spend time. I am grateful to have someone I can count on as a partner at work. His STBX is immature and he ended up with the toddler the entire week. It was funny, he never wanted kids because his sister has severe bipolar disorder and he worried about passing it on. His STBX wanted kids, but then had one and now doesn't want the responsibility. He has in turn become a doting, loving F. Because of that, I have told him that I would never be offended if he cancels on me because his kid is his priority. It is why I get along with him. He has his crap together.

I have other things coming up on my calendar to look forward to.

My walks now that the weather is better is a good way to fill my time. I am often easily entertained - LOL. The dog is happy I have gotten back to at least 2 good long walks each day. I will work it back up to 3 and with the good weather I have gardens to attack.

I have an exhibit I need to gear up for. I finally feel like getting back to being creative again.

My sister and I are having a good time messing with each other. I got her in trouble with my M - threw her under the bus. All in good fun and we are all laughing about it. My M finally realized we were pulling her leg and she has also taken the joke in stride.

My life is slowly coming back together. It is different, but not all bad. Companionship is lacking, but it is okay. That will happen when it happens. I am not going to force something. I realize more and more that I am not wired to date online, etc. It will have to be more organic than that. I will ease into that world at some point. Who knows?

XH is just deep in his tunnel. He is so far removed from the man that he was. So many of the behaviors are counter to what he was like. It is not as bad as it used to be. At least I see him infrequently and his games are more of an annoyance than anything else. They don't derail me nearly as much.

As for D - she takes it in stride for the most part. It hurts her, but she is able to laugh.

Yesterday she had a doctor's appointment. Her ankle injury happened what will be 2 1/2 years ago, but the actual surgery was 2 years ago on the 15th. XH was like a caged animal the day of the surgery - leaving part of the way through, coming back and then once we got home he couldn't be bothered to stay. His explanation was she was going to sleep, so he left for several days to work on his cottage. He would only go to about 2 doctor visits after that. The doctor has mentioned it to me. For the past 2 1/2 years we have spent countless hours there. For the first few months we were there nearly weekly. Then it was every couple of weeks. The past 8 months we had at least been able to go monthly. Yesterday was the first day we were able to extend out the visits to 3 months.

Physical Therapy has been the same. She has gone 2-3 times a week for the past 2 years. XH has gone once or twice. He never went in, just dropped her off and waited for her.

They were having dinner together last night. As we were sitting in the doctor's office, D got a text from XH. She looked at me and asked me if I would take a picture of her. She never asks me to do that. She, like many teenagers is proficient at selfies. I said okay and she gave me a fake smile and two thumbs up. I know this look - it is her "fake good job" look. I burst out laughing. I wanted to know what that was all about. She said she thought she would use it instead of an emoji. I didn't ask what her F said to her, but clearly she was annoyed. She said this was going to be the picture she would keep on file to send to her F that he would no doubt miss the true meaning, which was a very sarcastic "good for you" and then she added "I don't effing care". Ouch.

It was good for a laugh, but underneath that joke was pain. Fortunately, both kids seem to have a fairly good handle on seeing their F is not himself and it is not them.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #26 on: April 11, 2018, 12:09:18 PM »
My coworker and his S coming first has taken a front seat. I walked into work this morning and my coworker was not there yet. He is always there way before me and way before we have to be. He is there prepping and I have D to drop off before I can get there. It is unusual for me to be there before him. He walked in right as we were finishing up homeroom activities. I could see he was a pure mix of emotions.

Yesterday during class our students, having just returned from Spring Break were infuriating. We had divided the mural into sections, as was decided and one student got a huge section. He was the one student who had come to us with not only a concrete idea and supplied sketches, etc. The others had half-hearted attempts. It was like listening to them complain because someone got a larger piece of cake. We had been going round and round about the reasons why and how to resolve their now sudden interest in the project to allow for this to shake out and find some solution. I wasn't having it. The biggest complainer was my now 10% student. When he pulled the "you are just playing favorites and giving so and so the biggest piece because he is your favorite" he got a shocking response that shut it down quickly. It takes a great deal to really piss me off. I wasn't quite there, but I was almost at my gasket blowing stage. I simply told him that maybe he would be my favorite if he actually handed me more than blank pages next time. He stopped and knew I have told him he is probably the most capable of all of the students in there in terms of design, but I cannot judge on what I believe - I need concrete proof.

By the end of class yesterday, my coworker and I both agreed if the whole week was going to be like this we were ready to scrap the project, which would be a travesty.

This morning I got up and decided to wear what I was planning on wearing to the college. It has been a running joke with my one coworker, as I had shared my Dictionary of Sarcasm with her and my other coworkers. We have laughed a great deal reading through it. We discovered there was a National Sarcasm Society. While I was at the mall with D this weekend I came across a t-shirt that says "Sarcasm with a Chance of Attitude". I typically don't wear t-shirts with sayings on them, but this was just too funny to resist. My plan was to wear it under one of my blazers and not say a word. I decided I would wear it this morning, as I was feeling very much this way. I put on some very intimidating heels and walked into the room this morning.

I didn't say a word. My coworker was in a daze. I had my blazer on, so none of the students realized the top I had on underneath was clearly a warning for them. When "Body with a Back Road" needed to go talk to the principal about an event he had promised to attend but now couldn't he kept giving me excuses. I turned to him and told him to quit whining and to "nut up". He looked at me and I told him if he thought he was going to outlast me by whining, I have 2 kids that spent years testing me and an XH who has tested those waters and I assured him I would far outlast him. He laughed and said okay. By the time he came back, I had shed the blazer, as the heat was on high today. He saw my shirt and laughed. He said I clearly was giving them a fair warning. My coworker saw it by then and burst out laughing. I smirked and said yes and it would be best if they heeded the warning.

The mood changed and we resolved the issues. The project is moving forward and at least the class was in a better place. My coworker - he was not himself. I stayed after class and asked if he was okay. I thought he was going to burst into tears. I hung out and let him vent.

His STBX was a bit of a partier when they met, but had settled down. They got married and things were good. The baby came along and she went totally into party mode again. He thought at first she would level back out, but then it escalated and he moved out after the hot sauce incident. He is supposed to have the toddler Mon, Wed and Fridays and every other weekend. That was working. Then she went on a FaceBook rant and the babysitter refused to watch the little boy anymore, stating my coworker could bring him, but she would no longer deal with STBX. They now live 40 minutes away from each other, so it is not easy for him to make this happen before work etc. Last week he had the little boy the entire week and while he loved it, he had concerns - as it seemed like something was off. His intuition was right on.

He stopped there one day to pick up the little boy and she was fast asleep during the afternoon. The little boy was running around unsupervised and no baby proofing going on. She woke up and announced she had been out too late the night before.

He has told me she is a professional woman, who works and is going for her MBA. Now it seems she isn't going to her college classes and informs him she has been sleeping with countless men. At first he had the same reaction I did, which was she was trying to shock him. She keeps saying she wants him to move home, but he said he believes she just wants a built in babysitter. I tend to agree knowing what I do. She then lets it out that she has been snorting cocaine. That did it. I could see his eyes well up.

I told him he has no choice. He has to go for full custody at this point. He knows and he hates the idea of taking him from his mother. I get it, my coworker's mother died when he was young from an illness, but I told him until his STBX gets help, she is not a mother. That little boy deserves to be in a stable environment and it is going to mean he is it right now.

As we talked I told him I would get him my attorney's name. He joked he was sorry we didn't get to go to the movies. I laughed and told him that my need to see a movie is not nearly as important as his son. I told him that if any woman does not understand that his son is his top priority he needs to avoid them - they are not right for him.

I left feeling good that I was able to be a good friend to him, but I am also so grateful that as bad as my MLC monster was, I did not have this added weight in the situation. I cannot imagine what it would have been like to be in a similar situation.

As I walked into my community class I got a very long text from XH. He wants to meet on the 20th. He went on and on. I simply told him I would have to check my calendar. I am not going to answer him right away. Call it my own form of control. As I explained to my M, I am not allowing him to waltz in and call these meetings when that is the only help he has offered. Nope, call me stubborn, but I told her his MLC controlled me long enough and I will play nice, but I will control my calendar and my life. M had to smile and said she was glad I was not letting him call the shots now.

M then went on to inform me that at dinner last night, S talked about XH. Seems XH is looking for another place to live. He is not sure he can stay there too much longer. Hmmm- trouble in paradise? My M was a bit surprised that I had no reaction. She said she anticipates he will show up on my door one of these days. My sarcasm was still clearly in place when I told her that I guessed he should have considered that over the past few months, but I have moved on. I told her I won't be his back up plan and he hasn't even begun to address the issues that brought this MLC rolling in.

She shook her head and said it was true. She said how sad it was. I agree, but as I told her his choices and consequences are his to deal with, they are no longer mine.

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #27 on: April 11, 2018, 03:10:05 PM »
I don't even know how your co-worker manages to come to work and function.  How sad.  I hope that the little boy is removed from the mother's care until she is able to be a mother to him.

Kudos on not caving to MLCer's calendar invite.  Very interesting that he may be soon looking for a new place to hang his hat.  Could be the reason for his calendar invite!   :o
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline No expectations

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Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #28 on: April 12, 2018, 04:29:49 AM »
Dove,

You are a good friend to your co-worker.   He needs one right now, this is going to be so tough for him.

Curious what your xh needs to set up a meeting for?  Good for you,  let him do it on your schedule,  not his.
Married 10 1/2 years, together 17.  BD 9/2016, 2nd BD 10/16.  H moved out 10/16.  2 AS's from my first M.  Me 55, H 49.  OW 23.

"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through; how you managed to survive.  You won't even be sure if the storm is really over.  But one thing is certain; when you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person that walked in...that's what this storm is all about."

"The trick is to enjoy life.  Don't wish away your days, waiting for better ones."

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Reassembling - is there a manual?
« Reply #29 on: April 12, 2018, 05:38:37 AM »
Being there for him and giving him that advice about those who don't get it should get it ... (in the rear) is good...

I do have to wonder what your xH is thinking...

If he thinks he'll just waltz right back in and pick up where he left off?  :o

One COULD make a lot of guesses as to why the SchmoopieCabin isn't working out... like Schmoopies H has finally caught on? Schmoopie has moved on after having gotten what she wanted (xH's client list)? I guess, as ruthless as she is, I'd be guessing more like the second and now that xH is no longer useful, he is disposable... I guess that is his problem, isn't it...

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