Author Topic: My Story D&J 4 or 5?  (Read 1347 times)

Offline Devastated DadTopic starter

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My Story D&J 4 or 5?
« on: April 09, 2018, 10:11:13 AM »
I cant remember which thread # this is, but there have been a few. Thunder I never thought about the idea of an open house.  I'm really shocked that by her actions yesterday.  Once I began to stay away from her, quit pursuing her, and she figured out that I was making plans to leave, she nearly came full circle and now wants to be kind to each other.  I was floored when she said she loved me.  I know I have to get away from her either by her leaving, or me.  My kids have 6 weeks left in school, really 5 1/2 as the last week is 2 days of wrapping things up.  I would like to get them through school if I can, before we make a move.  Both kids have said if I move they want to go with me.  I keep telling the kids what's going on isn't their fault, and that their mom loves them.  My 13 year old daughter said "dad you can stop saying that, if she loved us she wouldn't disappear all the time".  I tried to explain to my daughter that's because of me, not her, but the kids are looking at it as we are all her victims.  I know deep down she loves her kids, she was a terrific mother for 13 years.  I'm just at the point where I don't even like being around her really.  I realize this new found kindness is following the MLC script.  If she would stop monstering on the kids, I could probably live with her as a friend, and see where this goes, but I doubt this new found peace will last long.

Previous thread: http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10000.0
« Last Edit: April 09, 2018, 10:20:31 AM by Thunder »

Offline Treasur

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Re: D&J 4 or 5?
« Reply #1 on: April 09, 2018, 10:47:38 AM »
I guess option 3 (which is very unlikely to work IMHO based on her current behaviour but you might tactically want to offer it and even document that you have) is to take her BS as if you believe it and say 'ok, as you've said, you're obviously struggling and the kids are the No 1 priority, so if you make an IC appt in next week and commit to getting regular IC help as they advise, stop any contact with OM, we sleep separately and if you can behave more calmly with me and the kids, we can give it a month and review where we are...but if you can't commit and stick to that, then I'll have to look at different options to protect the kids'.

If it isn't a full-blown MLC, if she isn't so emotionally disordered that she can only think of herself...you could propose it. I suspect - even if she says yes - she won't stick to it and you'll need to go to your next best option which should be based on L advice and your kid's best interests.

The trick DD - and I think you're getting to this point now, tough as it is - is that YOU choose the options and boundaries, putting your kids first, followed by your wellbeing and your family finances. No joint decisions, no waiting for her to decide, no words without actions. The potential impact on your kids and you is too serious now. The needs of the 3 outweigh the needs of the 1 IMHO.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Devastated DadTopic starter

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Re: D&J 4 or 5?
« Reply #2 on: April 09, 2018, 01:03:12 PM »
I think your right.  Tomorrow may be another story, but I actually enjoyed my day at work today and found myself laughing a few times.  Of course I still had moments of sadness, but nothing to the extent that I was. I think I am getting stronger in some regards, which is allowing me to finally start taking a stand on things.  It helps to know that there are other women who are interested in me too, gives me some feeling of still being a man.  I think one of the hardest parts was wondering how she could go from me with a good job, good credit, a home, 2 cars, college education, to a guy who is bankrupt and essentially has no car.  I wondered where I went wrong.  I am on my way home from work now, my daughter is on her way home from school, well all be getting home about the same time, it will be interesting to see how the night unfolds.

Offline same33

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Re: D&J 4 or 5?
« Reply #3 on: April 09, 2018, 01:06:55 PM »
Wishing you well, DD. This whole thing is so volatile. The minute by minute, hour by hour or day by day person we go home to is just insanity!
M-44
W-41
S12, S9, S7
Married 9/25/2004
13 years of marriage
BD#1- December 22, 2014
BD#2- January 2, 2018
Standing for my marriage

Offline 20thcenturygirl

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Re: D&J 4 or 5?
« Reply #4 on: April 09, 2018, 03:05:29 PM »
Quote
I realize this new found kindness is following the MLC script.  If she would stop monstering on the kids, I could probably live with her as a friend, and see where this goes, but I doubt this new found peace will last long.

Is this part of the "script" - my H has started being nicer and more communicative suddenly.  He is still not himself but he is being more cooperative - still depressed and being strange to our daughter. 
Is this just normal then?  I had begun to think that maybe because I am no longer getting the monster all of the time he wasn't really in MLC.

You sound like a great Dad, Devastated.  I am so glad you are getting stronger too. 
H 62
Me 51
BD October 31st 2017
Three months of confusion & coming & going
Left Home December 28th 2017
OW living the life with him January 31st 2018 - met her whilst walking dogs, and it is really, really an affair down!
He denies she exists

Offline OffRoad

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Re: D&J 4 or 5?
« Reply #5 on: April 09, 2018, 03:17:03 PM »
One of the things someone posted here (I think it was nah's son who said it) was they the MLCer wasn't looking for someone better than the LBS, they were looking for someone worse than themself. Believe it. What decent person would  have an affair with a married person?

You didn't cause this, you can't fix it. You can only do what is best for you and your kids.

When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline Rosetintedglasses

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Re: D&J 4 or 5?
« Reply #6 on: April 09, 2018, 04:42:13 PM »
DD

Glad to hear you getting stronger. Try to tell the children your W is unhappy inside, rather than unhappy with you as you haven’t said or acted in any way to make her like this. It’s not their fault and it’s not yours. She is unhappy inside herself.

Hope the kindness pledge keeps up, I like it
Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Oct 2016
BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017
EA with same MOW Jan 2017 until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: D&J 4 or 5?
« Reply #7 on: April 09, 2018, 07:48:43 PM »
DD
I would tell your kids their momma is fighting issues with herself. Nothing too do with you.
Off-road said it right, they are looking for someone as miserable as they are, that's hard too find my friend. Yep, they are usually at the bottom of the barrel.

Online Songanddance

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Re: D&J 4 or 5?
« Reply #8 on: April 10, 2018, 12:42:31 AM »
Quote
Is this part of the "script" - my H has started being nicer and more communicative suddenly.  He is still not himself but he is being more cooperative - still depressed and being strange to our daughter. 

Yes - it's part of the process rather than the script.  The script refers to the uncannily similar language and sentence structure that all MLCers seem to use.

MLCers cannot stay in full monster mode for ever and there are blue periods in the replay stages. Blue periods are where they either go quiet or become civil and almost "normal" . However they do not last long and soon return to monster in the early stages. Eventually monster dwindles as the replay stages progresses and there is a new " normal" which is still not your original pre BD spouse but at least monster is fading...

Remember there is nice monster, angry monster, sarcastic monster, devious monster - all kinds of behaviour that is out of the norm for your spouse that creates havoc and upset is monster.

DD -  Her breakdown is interesting and you should see it for what it is at a surface level only.  Yes it does give insight into her crazy MLC mind which, remember, is more than likely rooted in severe depression. However you should realise that everything she does or says is transitory and that arriving at any agreement is not going to happen.

Nevertheless I fully appreciate your dilemma having had a stay at homer who was adamant that he was staying but fully expected to have his own life including OW is soul destroying.  It is almost impossible to think that you would have to make a decision such as selling the home etc...  I think you are right - if you sell do it so that you can move in the holidays.  The less disruption you can cause for your children the better; God knows they have witnessed enough already.

You have to take control in the house though in the meantime.  Do not be fooled into any R talks - she may now try to do that to manipulate you. Decide what you want to do for now ie take your bed back and then work on that. One way to do it is to move her stuff out of the room (I did when I put H in the spare room), change the bedlinen and turn that into your space.

She won't like it but as she has now acknowledged that you have been making plans, she will sort of expect it.  Be prepared for more monster and when she does stand firm , look her in the eyes and say " I'm sorry you feel that way, but this is my house and I will decide where I sleep. You chose to leave the marriage - you can leave the bed!"   Repeat ad nauseum when she blusters.  She'll get the message.

Offline Devastated DadTopic starter

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Re: D&J 4 or 5?
« Reply #9 on: April 10, 2018, 05:55:14 AM »
Wow great insight into her mind.  Your right that there are several different monsters.  I have seen her be devious and tell me she was going to her girlfriends, when in reality she went to the OM, she had the strangest sly look on her face that gave her away (completely not the pre-MLC wife).  Then there is the weird sex monster, she can't get enough sex, or attention all of a sudden.  This has resulted into a sexual harassment investigation at her work, her boss is under investigation, the executive director under investigation, and the OM is a co-worker (this certainly wasn't pre-MLC wife). Then there is the all out rage monster where she gets angry, yells, throws a tantrum, usually about stupid stuff like me falling asleep on the couch.  In 13 years I have never known her to be any of these ways, she has even lost her best friend because she has changed so much.

Last night was interesting.  I have a finished basement with a 70" tv.  I have started spending my free time down there the last two days, and its driving her nuts.  She kept making references about how her feet and calves hurt (if you remember I used to rub them nightly).  She also made a comment about eating out too much (I used to make dinner nightly).  She also got upset that when me and the kids did laundry we didn't clean hers.  I can see where she is starting to realize maybe I wasn't so bad, or at least provided services she took for granted.

I like the idea of telling my kids that mom is unhappy with herself.  My 13 year old daughter and I took a car ride last night because she wanted to talk.  She told me she has been seeing the counselor at school, and there is a group of teens who meet weekely called kids in the middle.  She said it was for kids whos parents were divorcing or going through issues.  She asked if she could go, but not tell mom, because she was worried mom would get mad.  My W gets made when any of us discuss this with anyone.  She got upset with me notifying the kids teachers, so the teachers could look for signs of them starting to fail.  She also got upset because I discuss this with my sister.  At the same time I've seen her messages where she tells the OM all kinds of lies about me and the kids, as well as talking to other friends.  Anyway, my daughter told me that she knows mom is cheating.  I told her that I didn't know that for sure (even though I do) and that no matter what mom and dad both love her and her brother.  She told me that she knew, and that she has lost all respect for her mom.  She told me I was an amazing dad, that she loved me, wanted to live with me if I move, and that she will still love her mom, but she doesn't trust her, or believe anything she will ever say again.  I was floored.  Naturally it made me feel good, but the insight my 13 year old daughter has is amazing.  She also told me that she was tired of her mom being mean to her and her brother, and that she was going to start giving it back to her mom.  I explained the idea of monstering, and that getting mad and giving it back would just result in more pain for my daughter.  I told her if things are too bad, and she can't take it anymore, that we will move.  She said she has talked about this with her little brother and that her brother is peeing his pants because he's scared to come out of his room, afraid that his mom might yell at him for something.  This is a terrible situation.

 

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