Author Topic: My Story D&J 4 or 5?  (Read 1428 times)

Online Thunder

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My Story Re: D&J 4 or 5?
« Reply #10 on: April 10, 2018, 06:08:08 AM »
That is so sad, Dev.  About your son being that afraid of her.  It just breaks my heart.

I told you before, kids are not stupid.  Your D knows what's going on.

I think it's great you are doing nothing for her.  Just let her see no one is going to cater to her anymore. 
No more leg rubs, no more washing her clothes or cooking for her.  Nope...none of it.
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline Devastated DadTopic starter

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Re: D&J 4 or 5?
« Reply #11 on: April 10, 2018, 06:48:28 AM »
I think the medicine Im taking must be kicking in, or I'm coming to terms with reality, because the last few days I have felt stronger and able to ignore her.  Two months ago I begged her to stay, followed her around like a puppy dog, and was doing everything I could to nice her back into the relationship (all the mistakes).  I look at her now and she is so depressed, sad, and angry all of the time.  Since coming home she told me how hard it was to live at her friends, how hard it was to be poor, and how hard it was to make it on her own.  This gave some inspiration too, because it made me realize everything wasn't going good for her.  When this first happened she was on cloud nine, happy as could be, while I say at home and cried.  I couldn't understand how she had no response and didn't care, now the roles are reversing and her worlds falling apart.  It appears the initial thrill of cheating has worn off, maybe because I know about it and am making plans to move on, and she has become super depressed, vicious to the kids, and just a mean person.  I feel bad for taking comfort in her pain, because I care about her, but its soo nice to see her cheating world isn't roses and rainbows anymore.

Offline same33

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Re: D&J 4 or 5?
« Reply #12 on: April 10, 2018, 06:56:22 AM »
DD, so glad that strength is building! It's weird about the seeing any glimpses of their demise, isn't it? Like, I don't want my W to suffer, yet I want her to really FEEL what she has really done. But mostly just to wake up and start becoming the person that our kids deserve.
M-44
W-41
S12, S9, S7
Married 9/25/2004
13 years of marriage
BD#1- December 22, 2014
BD#2- January 2, 2018
Standing for my marriage

Online Thunder

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Re: D&J 4 or 5?
« Reply #13 on: April 10, 2018, 07:21:09 AM »
As hard as that is to watch, they NEED to feel the consequenses of the actions and choices, other wise nothing changes.

It's part of the crisis and something you can not and should not stop.  You can be kind, but you can not take their consequences away.  They have to deal with them all by themselves.

Dev, your W is starting to realize what she wanted wasn't happening, instead she is about to lose her family.  That fear is real because you are now getting stronger.  You will eventually do what you need to do for your family, not her and she may just have to deal with it to start getting better.

With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline gman242

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Re: D&J 4 or 5?
« Reply #14 on: April 10, 2018, 07:51:33 AM »
  I tried to explain to my daughter that's because of me, not her, but the kids are looking at it as we are all her victims.

I've been trying to sneak in a reply for quiet a while. I think you've touched on this in several places.

I know as spouses, we weren't perfect, nobody was.. but did you disappear for days, night and hours? Did you yell and scream at everyone telling them, they made you miserable and you deserve whatever it is you're doing?

I know the answer is the no. In no way did anything you do, justify what is going on. I know in your heart of hearts, you blame you (which you shouldn't, I know, easier said then done) but to your kids, you should kindly place the blame where it belongs, on your W. Your daughter is right, you're all victims and as an adult, you can deal with this, get your bearings and move on, but to you kids, they are 10 times the victims you'll ever be.

I think when I realized that, I found my strength. It took a while, I won't lie, but a mature, solid person who loves you and respects you, wouldn't be doing this and they wouldn't be dragging the kids through it either. Sure, things don't work out, but you try, honestly, to fix things and go through due process and save the kids from what collateral damage you can.

At this point though, it's an MLC and it's an all out war that's on your shoulders to be stable and pass that on to your kids.

It's hard not to care, not to comb through everything and find some little thing that could have been changed to prevent all of this and the truth is, it doesn't exist. Two people have to want to fix or have the relationship. You held firm on your end, she went off the rails. It's her, not you.

Depending on how old your kids are, I would be honest with them and not shield them from the truth. I would be neutral in tone, simplify just give them the facts and allow them to explore their feelings with you and respect and validate any decision or feelings they have. It's not your job to protect both them and their mom from each other. But you need to be the role model too and not bad mouth your W.

It was important to me that my son was allowed to see things as they are and that he was allowed to develop his own thoughts and feelings and that i also respected them. Like you said though, kids are smart and they already have it figured out. it will be worse later for them to find out you lied to them (even if you thought it was in their best interests), because right now, everything is lies and betrayal to both you and them.

That's just my opinion, take it or leave it, but at the least, please don't say "it's because of me" either to them or yourself, because it simply isn't true.

« Last Edit: April 10, 2018, 07:55:45 AM by gman242 »

Online Thunder

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Re: D&J 4 or 5?
« Reply #15 on: April 10, 2018, 09:04:16 AM »
I agree 100% with what Gman said.
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline Devastated DadTopic starter

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Re: D&J 4 or 5?
« Reply #16 on: April 10, 2018, 05:32:33 PM »
Everything you guys said makes sense.  I thought she was being a little too nice today then she told me she is done with the OM.  Believe it or not she said that she asked him and another co-worker to go to lunch at work and they said no, that she was under investigation, and it wouldn't look appropriate LMAO.  First off I can't believe she actually said this to me, but the fact that the OM won't be seen in public with her tops it all! This explains why she has made her way back home.  I can't believe this, no one in their right mind would say something like this to their H.

Online Thunder

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Re: D&J 4 or 5?
« Reply #17 on: April 10, 2018, 06:12:30 PM »
You did say in her right mind.  :)  ::)
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Online Whyus

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Re: D&J 4 or 5?
« Reply #18 on: April 10, 2018, 10:53:53 PM »
Oh Dev, it Looks like you are starting to see the real Picture unfold before your eyes...
Just Keep on breathing and protecting those Kids. You will be just fine mate, believe me.
So, now the burning question. Have you got the bed back yet?? You really Need to do this, for yourself, for the Kids and for your W. She Needs to see that your a man who wont put up with her $h!te any longer. It will do her good in the Long run...
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 44
W: 44
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28. Trainings partner. Still together
2 Sons - 18 & 19
2 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Filed
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0
T10. http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9547.0

Offline Songanddance

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Re: D&J 4 or 5?
« Reply #19 on: April 10, 2018, 11:48:13 PM »
Quote
First off I can't believe she actually said this to me, but the fact that the OM won't be seen in public with her tops it all! This explains why she has made her way back home.  I can't believe this, no one in their right mind would say something like this to their H.

Exactly and this is why you forge forward with your life and leave her to it.....   Do not believe for one instance that she is done with OM - MLCers are very good at saying one thing and then doing the complete opposite within a heartbeat!

 

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