New Thread: He is deep in the tunnel but I'm getting stronger!

[FamilyIsMyGoal]

This is a link to my previous thread:
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9666.0;all

I saw my H yesterday for the first time since October (he monstered at me so badly, that I couldn't handle seeing him anymore) and he looked really bad.  His hair was weirdly long and he looked like an old man. 
 I had to see him at the lawyers office.  We had a conference with our two lawyers and a divorce "coach".  I'm pretty sure he was stoned on pot and he seemed insane.  He was even insulting and condescending to the lawyers (my lawyer shut that nonsense down quick!).  
He is textbook MLC.  He can't take responsibility for anything.  Everything is everyone else's fault and he is the victim.  
I feel stronger.  Lots and lots of prayer and I am honestly grateful for the pain these past few months, because I am truly beginning to feel a much stronger connection to my Higher Power.  I prayed a ton yesterday before going in.  For healing for all of us.  At one point in the middle of the conference, when others were talking, in my head I was visualizing a healing blue light around all of us - a silent prayer, and he turned and just stared at me.  
When he said he wanted a divorce in August, he was quite euphoric for several months.  That was so incredibly painful for me.  He was really delusional about how great everything is going to be.  Now he is definitely in the depressive phase. When I think how he was just less than a year ago - jeez - the change is unbelievable.  
So I continue to cultivate my own life and my own personal growth.  That's all I can do.  It was a relief to see him doing so poorly honestly.  Maybe that's not so nice of me, but it would have been so much worse for me to see him looking really good, confident and sane.  I will continue to pray and to be good to myself.  This is some journey!

[MCSINME]

FMIG:
Great posting for a new thread.
The power of prayer is amazing.
It seems as H is progressing through his tunnel, maybe even hit rock bottom?  Who knows?
I understand how it would make you feel better to see him struggling than doing well because it makes you realize how broken they really are, and that life isn't all that great without you.
Keep doing what you're doing and working on you.
Hugs  MCS

[UrsaMajor]

Following along - it is pretty telling when our Mid-Lifers go to hades in a handbasket and look like 10 miles of Bad Road that all is not well in schmoopie land... 

[Schratz66]

Hey Fam,
Following you along. I was thinking about you all day yesterday and hoped you would be okay.
I think it helps to see how even physically they look different when their mind is off their rocker.
Isn't it sad how a year ago our lives and our H were so different ? Like what the heck happened.
You do sound amazingly strong and like you have found your groove.
Hugs

[FamilyIsMyGoal]

Thanks so much everyone!  
Just an fyi as to how deep in the tunnel he is; he's blowing off the kids this weekend because he's flying out to Denver to get involved in a medicinal pot business.  That's what he wants to grow up to be.  A pot salesman.  And if all goes as he wants, he will be spending a significant time in Denver which is 3 time zones away.  So much for the kids I guess...

[UrsaMajor]

Thanks so much everyone!  
Just an fyi as to how deep in the tunnel he is; he's blowing off the kids this weekend because he's flying out to Denver to get involved in a medicinal pot business.  That's what he wants to grow up to be.  A pot salesman.  And if all goes as he wants, he will be spending a significant time in Denver which is 3 time zones away.  So much for the kids I guess...

"Medicinal Pot"... In Denver.... where pot is now legal... 



Nothing "medicinal" about it.... Going back to Wayne's World times... 

[nah]

A pot salesman.  

Cool.  A sixty-yr-old pot salesman.  

The Leaver and I quit drugs in the late eighties.  Last year he told me he tried "edibles", I thought he was talking about underwear as I'm so removed from that scene now, nope.... pot.

WTF?? 

[Schratz66]

Wow - his life dream - a pot salesman
How old is he again ?
Bless your heart Fam, I can only shake my head.
Thankfully the kids have you

[MCSINME]

FIMG:
Following.  Amazing the things they do...
MCS

[FamilyIsMyGoal]

Yay! I'm back!  We lost power for about five days after a winter storm. I did learn a lot about generators and how they not only need gas, but oil as well!  Who knew?  H used to take care of all that stuff, but not a word from him.  As I mentioned he is off in Denver on some pot investment/job, etc.  Not once did he check in with me.  He could have checked in with the boys, not sure.  Anyway, it all served to build my confidence that we can survive just fine without him.  I was really grateful to friends and neighbors who all offered to help in a variety of ways.  About half my town had some sort of power, and the other half didn't.  We have another storm coming tonight - but I am prepared!

His indifference really freaks me out.  Sometimes it's hatred, sometimes it's indifference. Sometimes it's a bit of caring.  Idk. The abrupt change is really hard to comprehend.  I know I keep bringing this up, but I just can't wrap my head around it yet.  I guess I have to give myself time and space and just focus on what's in front of me.  My mind keeps wandering back to that though.

Well, I'm just glad to be back and I really missed you all!

[FamilyIsMyGoal]

I am feeling hurt right now because we had a big snow storm here which knocked power out of our house for almost five days.  He did not ask once if we were ok.  I sent him an email this morning asking what his schedule was for the boys this week, and he is out in Denver (which I knew, but didn't know when he was due back).  I wanted to know if he was coming to the house tonight to have dinner with the boys which is his Tuesday night thing while I go out.  He replied back with his schedule, and not once asked if we were ok.  Instead asked if I had heard from the financial guy about our D stuff.  And we have another big storm coming tonight. 

So on the way to the gas station to refill all those canisters, I started crying.  Realized it was because of his indifference.  I haven't cried much since starting on Lexapro, so it's kind of shocking when it happens.  Seems like it's hard for the tears to break through that drug (for which I am very grateful at least for the time being).  And his mother lives one town away and had power the whole time.  Not once did she check on us either.  She and I used to be close.  I was definitely her favorite daughter-in-law.  But everything is topsy turvy now.

[stillbaffled]

Hey Family, sorry you are struggling right now after a major storm (but big bonus on how much you learned about generators!). 

I think most of us understand that feeling of "sheesh, I just weathered a major event/natural disaster and crazy MLer doesn't even bother to check to see if we're all still alive and well". 

A good meltdown is certainly allowed.  You've earned it.  Sending support. 

[Schratz66]

Hugs Fam,

I bet you were cool as a cucumber during the storm just doing what needed done taking care of you and the boys. So it’s okay that you lost it over the gas cans
Their indifference is mind boggling. My H couldn’t go a day without talking to me. All over sudden he can go months without talking to me or giving a damn if I’m dead or alive.
I’m 8 1/2 months in and I still haven’t wrapped my head around it. Small parts I get, but on the whole it still blows my mind how a person we’ve known intimately for decades can turn I to a stranger overnight.

Pretty crappy of your MIL not at least checking on the boys. Then again my MIL shunned me the day he left. And I would have thought better of her as she went through it with FIL

All I can say is that we are the better people Fam - somehow we will come out of this gut wrenching nightmare and we will walk taller and stronger and with our children by our sides.

[FamilyIsMyGoal]

Thanks Baffled and Schratz.  Honestly, this forum is a sanity saver (or at least what's left of it).  Yeah, Schratz, my H and I talked several times a day when we were together.  If he was on the road, he would call me or text or whatever.  Just chit chatting on the day to day stuff.  Now, nothing.

And I was cool as a cucumber!  Thanks!  I feel like I have to be so strong for my boys.  We even made it a bit fun with various things we had to do.  I've learned that my MIL is very very weak.  She tries to be a good person, but when it comes to difficult times, she just hides.  That's my guess.  Also, I found out last year, she cheated on H's dad for 20 years!!!! You would never expect that.  She seems like a sweet little old lady that never curses, drinks or anything.  But she had a 20 year affair with the maintenance guy in her building!  So H definitely has FOO issues.  Apparently his Dad was a bit of a nut as well. I never met him as he died before I came onto the scene.

I really don't know how to think about this.  I'm thinking back to my one other major relationship where I broke up with him.  Now this guy had major drug issues and I warned him and warned him; it was the drugs or me.  He ended up choosing drugs and I had to break up with him.  I had to cut him off, not take his calls, etc.  So I don't know if that compares but I'm trying to figure it out (I know! Stop doing that!). 

[FamilyIsMyGoal]

One funny thing, is I keep getting job posting emails from Monster.  Everytime I see something from "Monster.com" , I automatically think for a second it's from H. 

[FamilyIsMyGoal]

I really only communicate with H via email at this point.  Sometimes text.  I swear I have PTSD when I see on my email tab that I have new messages. 

We are starting on the financial documents for D, and I am still quite stunned and disbelieving that this is actually happening. 

I am seven months in and I still think about this all day everyday.  Does everyone else do the same?

I'm basically ok.  I've been having great bonding time with my boys and my friends have been fantastic.  But I can't believe the shock that I am still feeling. 

[Treasur]

Yup, me too...and I'm 2.5 years in! If I let myself stop and think about it, I still find it as shocking that this is where we are and some of the insane things that have happened...so more and more, I glance at that and move on. The feeling doesn't change the fact.

I still think about my H and/or the situation every day too. Some of that is triggered by having to deal with the divorce stuff and life changes like a new home, of course, so will pass. The good news is that I am no longer floundering or lost in grief for my H as I was a year ago. Are things good? No. Do I still wish I/we weren't here? Yes. Do I know I can live with it and past it? Yes...and for a long time, I really wasn't sure I could.

[Schratz66]

Fam,

I am almost 9 months in and there is days where I am still in shock and not a day goes by where I do not think about it.
Now it has gotten better as far as much time I think about it - some days more, some days less, but not a single day where I do not think about him and how it happened.
This morning (and I blame PMS) I wanted to throw a toddler tantrum that this just isn't fair - he wasn't unhappy with me - he was unhappy with a lot of bad things going on in his life, but not with me. Unfortunately I was the only expandable thing to change in his life, so I guess I was collateral damage in his quest for happiness.
It sucks and it isn't fair and I don't like it, but yet, here we are.

Having to get up each day and facing life - a new life - and try to make the best each day as we don't know when it will be our last.

Hugs

[barbiedoll]

I believe that thinking about it will last a lifetime. I really truly do. It cannot be truly ever forgotten . We may think about it "differently, less emotional sting " but we will never not have it wonder across our minds . I am 4 years... and I believe I think about the affair daily . Not all day long ( like I did) , but it darts into my thoughts . I do not cry about it anymore, I do not constantly ruminate over it ( I did!) and I no longer think about running into her everytime I leave the house . But it is still there ...

[Kitkat23]

Fam my H asked for a D 5 months ago and it’s literally all I think about. Sometimes I cry, although I’ve gone a whole week this time with out a tear. Other times like you I’m on edge ever time an email comes in or the post drops through the door. For a time he would drop something awful on me every Friday without fail. I actually started to name Friday as Black Friday for about 2 months. It is enough to test your nerves.

You said it’s his indifference that upset you. That sounds so familiar and is completely understandable. I was brought down by a sickness bug at the weekend and H couldn’t have cared less . He left the house in a mess including dog sick on the carpet and couldn’t even be bothered to put the pots in the dishwasher. Over the next few days when he called to speak to our D he never asked once how I was or if I was ok to take care of D who’s only 4. Almost a week on and he’s still said nothing. It’s completely ok for you to feel like this as you are not only having to get your head around the peithat they have become but the rejection from someone who not all that long ago was your rock and probably the one person who comforted you on a daily basis.

Keep going as you are doing so well.

[FearNot]

Hey Family,
I'm glad you weathered the storm and are doing ok. Hope the next one isn't as bad. I'm sorry that neither your H or MIL stepped up to the plate. That sucks and feels crappy, but on the positive you took care of what you needed to and you were all ok!

I think about my situation numerous times a day. Trying to rationalize it, but there's just no way to do that effectively with MLC.
Tears are going to come, it's all part of it and a great stress relief. You just can't keep it locked inside. I have made it a number of days without them, and it seems I sort of tell myself I'm done with them! Like "phew" glad those aren't happening, and then bam!! You get a day where they just happen and I feel frustrated because I "give in" to the tears. I was telling a friend about that, her response was you are seriously wondering/frustrated because you cry? I said yes... she said well I'm pretty sure that would be the most expected response to this. It'a a wonder your not a sobbing mess on the floor. Kinda made me laugh and realize, it's all about perspective. I think we put a lot of pressure on ourselves to stop the tears because we maybe see it as a sign of weakness, when in reality it is release and we grow and change with every tear that shed.

Hugs and Prayers to you my friend!

[FamilyIsMyGoal]

Thanks FearNot!  I so appreciate your support.  xoxo

KitKat, The indifference is so very very hard.  And for me, when he cares about the kids and not me, it just hurts even more.  Even though I recognize that I should be glad for the kids, I just feel like maybe it's not him, but me.  It seems like whatever he does, it's just fricken hard. Just last year he was my rock and we talked constantly throughout the day.  I can't wrap my mind around the abrupt change.

Barbie, I agree with you.  These scars will last a lifetime.  I'm hoping I can turn them into something beautiful somehow.

Schratz, thank you so much.  Yes we are collateral damage in their incredibly flawed search for happiness.  That's a great way to look at it.

Treasur, you are always an inspiration!  I love your posts and I know you are going through a really rough time right now so I appreciate you taking the time to post on my thread.

This morning I got an email from H saying my younger son wants to spend more time with him and has wanted to for awhile.  H is of course very happy about this.  I know this is good for my son, but I can't help but feel jealous. I wanted to be the heroic parent that my boys wanted to stay with.  And I was under the impression that both boys did prefer to stay with me because neither of them wanted to go to H's on Friday.  So I will talk to my son and make sure that's what he wants.  I know it's petty on my part because it will only help my boys to have a good relationship with their father, but I am jealous!  I shouldn't be because my boys spend the vast majority of time with me.

The other thing that hurts is that unlike many MLCers, my H does want time with the boys.  At least right now.  In the beginning, the first couple of months after BD, when I think he had a girlfriend, he was kind of MIA with the boys.  And sometimes he doesn't pick them up when he should, etc.  But in general, he wants the boys to be with him.  So that makes me think, maybe it's not MLC, maybe it's my failure at our marriage.  I go back to beating myself up about it. 

Plus of course, we are starting the D process.  So every email I get that moves that forward, I go into shock again. PTSD all over again.  I had to start the D process because he was bullying me. I hate this.

I am feeling low this morning, but in general, I truly am doing better.  My friends say I look tons better and I smile a lot more.  Or there is a more relaxed easy going way about me.  I don't know, I don't have any answers.  Just really taking it one day at a time and trying to do the next right thing for me and my boys.  Thanks for all your support out there!  Love and Light to you all!

[MCSINME]

FIMG:

Finally catching up.  I'm sorry that you've been going through such a difficult time lately.  I hate that you're hurting.

Like you said; the indifference is really hurtful.  Just keep detaching and reading and posting.  You'll get through this.  You're strong.

I understand that jealousy thing about wanting to be your son's hero.  I am the same way and mixed blessing that my S16 DOES NOT want anything to do with H because he knows about EMA and sees the way that H treats him.  I would LOVE for my son to want to spend time with H.  I guess it's all about a happy medium...

Hugs your way.
MCS

[FamilyIsMyGoal]

Thanks MCSINME.  Some days are really good.  But right now, I am having to deal with D.  That is so hard.  And then I question myself.  I started the D process because he kept bullying me about dividing up property, but like many MLCers didn't actually do anything legal.  But I was afraid of him really doing bad stuff with the money because he was so off the rails emotionally/mentally. But now I'm wondering if I shouldn't have and just let it play out.  I am "acting as if" I'm ok, but I'm really not!  I'm not ready for D, but I feel like I had to protect myself. 

ugh...

[stillbaffled]

Family - navigating through the D is a real drain on us.  As it's said here......no way around it, have to go through it. 

Sending support. 

[MCSINME]

FIMG:

Everyone is different. 
Many on the site told me to file for D as H is spending $ that I have no idea what it's on, but lawyer recommended against if I want to stand -- in MY circumstance .

You had to do what was best for you and your situation.
Maybe not ideal, but no way to know.  You just use your best judgement.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this right now.  Hopefully it will get easier as time progresses.

Hugs to you FMIG.
MCS

[FearNot]

Family,

I am so sorry that you are going through this right now! I can only imagine how difficult it is dealing with D, considering how I felt just having a phone conversation. You did what you thought was best for you and there's nothing wrong with that! I kind of feel like when making these decisions it's like going to the casino. You never know if you will win or lose, but it's best to set a limit on what you spend!! It's a gamble, and there's no real way to know for sure. Like you said, one day a time. Hugs and prayers to you Family!

[FamilyIsMyGoal]

Thank you all.  I have been working hard these past few months to be as upbeat as possible.  And that has gotten me through.  These past couple of weeks though, has been rough.  Harder to cling to denial with the D progressing.  The one person who I want to hug me through this is the one who is causing the pain. 

I have to see H this Thursday with financial guy.  Sadly, I have put on some of the weight that I lost on the D diet!  Well, not all of it, and I am truly grateful that I can eat again even if it's a bit too much.     But I am getting my hair done today and will pick out as flattering outfit as possible.

I truly don't know what's going to happen in the future.  Sometimes my M does seem different than others here because we have always had some problems.  And I think there are addiction issues as well.  But I felt like we had gotten through the worst of it when everything fell apart.  When the pain is too much, I do go back and read reconciliation stories and google things like "Midlife Crisis Regrets" etc. 

There are a ton of great things about living alone with my kids and not having someone to constantly have to compromise with, someone who is incessantly angry at me (not sure when the anger started.  Was it always there and progressed? Or did it start unknowingly on my part a few years ago aka the "boiling frog" method.).  But most of the time, I only remember the good things about him and our marriage.  Is that a result of being left?

I don't know.  I'm going through this the best I can, but these past couple of weeks have been full of pain.  Thanks to you all for being there!

[FamilyIsMyGoal]

I just sent him a truth dart.  We have been having to discuss financials which is like putting him in a pressure cooker.  He started getting snippy and terse.  I just remained calm. This is all through email.  He sent me a nice email which I sort of viewed as a possible opening to talk to my "good" husband.  This is what he said:

"i am finding this very stressful   

i apologize for my shortness  both past and future

i thank you for conducting yourself so well"

I replied back: "Thank you, I appreciate that.  This is absolutely the most horrible thing I have gone through in my life, but I will turn it into something good for myself and hopefully others. 

Do you still plan on coming over tonight? I just need to know because if you are I am going out to dinner with a friend before the meeting."

I haven't heard back, but one of the very frustrating things that has been happening is that he keeps talking about his pain even though he started all this and is unfaithful besides that.  I wanted to send a truth dart.  I imagine it will fall on deaf ears, but who knows, maybe it will have some sort impact?

[Schratz66]

Fam,

I also have put the weight back on that I lost the first few months. So much emotional eating, but I do hope to get back into eating healthy soon. Love that you got your hair done - it makes such a difference, doesn't it?
Yes, you have been very upbeat and amazingly positive, and you will be again. Of course it is hard to actually see papers drawn up and signatures and such, but I have no doubt that you will be okay.
Your email exchange was perfect. Yes, you needed to point out that he is not the only one with pain and you did so gracefully and appropriately. Well done.
I cannot even tell you how many times I google, can midlife crisis affairs last and will your husband come back....lol...and while I realize nobody knows what will or will not happen in the future, sometimes I need to do silly stuff like that. If I would have a magic eight ball, I would ask it, too
Hugs my sweet friend

[FamilyIsMyGoal]

Thank you Schratz!  Tomorrow I see him again with the financial guy of our (collaborative) divorce.  I will look as well as I can and I have a bit of an advantage in that I don't get as stressed looking at detailed financials as he does.  Like I said, it's a pressure cooker for him.  And I think one of the main triggers for this MLC.  While he has been fairly successful, not nearly as successful as the his peers that he started out with.  A very sore spot for him.  Money is also one of his main "love languages". So we will see.  I have to get my documents ready for tomorrow as best as possible to give me confidence.  Last meeting was all women and him.  This meeting it will be me, H and male accountant.  Different energy.  Jeez...

As an old Rabbi I once knew said:  "Walk through the valley of the shadow of death, don't just stand there looking around, wallowing in it all."

[Schratz66]

Fam,

I am wallowing in it and then turning over to wallow some more because I just don't understand any of it...lol..
I think my H trigger was one the death of his father (the only constant figure in his life), the financial mess his father left and the fact that all the other people he went to college with are doctors, lawyers and have moved up in the world, while in his eyes he has not. We've had many talks about how he has made a difference in so many lives, but in his eyes it doesn't count for much.

Anyhow - just rambling along here.

Let us know how tomorrow's meeting went. Thinking of you.

[FamilyIsMyGoal]

Thanks Schratz!  The meeting went ok.  I feel pretty good.  One thing that has changed is that in the beginning, he 100% blamed me and I took all of that in and internalized it.  I couldn't stop beating myself up.  It didn't help that he was seemingly euphoric about blowing up our marriage and I felt utterly devastated.  So he must be right and I must be wrong?  I blew it- he left me.

Now I can see with a bit more clarity.  His months long euphoria has finally ended (breakup with girlfriend? winter blues? MLC cycling?) and he is now struggling.  Although he is still quite determined to end our relationship completely (that still really really hurts!!)  I also see more textbook MLC. Today talking to the CPA, he was saying, "well how is it going to be based on income? I consider myself semi-retired at this point".  The CPA very nicely said in so many words, "well there are laws and you can't just declare yourself semi-retired and walk away from your responsibilities."  He said it so nicely that I don't think H really could understand what he was saying.  H also said "I want off the mortgage" .  Well, again, you signed a contract so you can't just declare yourself "off the mortgage".  He is running from all responsibilities as fast as he can.  He is living in his stupid little cabin and plans on being able to live off social security which isn't much and he's only 58. 

I am doing better, but it was hard sitting next to him.  I caught myself looking at his arms, his hands, all so familiar to me.  MY HUSBAND.  And thinking those arms have been around other women.  It freaks me out completely.  I had to make myself look away.  In general I am doing much better and probably once the financials are settled to some extent, I will be calmer.  He has rollercoastered a lot regarding the money saying at one point he will "torch everything" to giving me whatever to somewhere in between.  Who knows.  But I am ok right now.  Thank you all!

[barbiedoll]

You are sounding strong and stable ...I know that can change, but at this moment, I love reading about some more peace coming into your life . Indeed, it is his turn to struggle and sure do believe he will .

I am doing better, but it was hard sitting next to him.  I caught myself looking at his arms, his hands, all so familiar to me.  MY HUSBAND.  And thinking those arms have been around other women.  It freaks me out completely.

.

I did this 100% . It was the oddest almost out of body experience . On the evening I confronted him...I remember looking at his clothes, his socks the colour of his shirt and then his hands , forearms . It was almost how you might look at a stranger that sat across from you on a bus . A stranger that I actually knew somehow. And I bought that shirt somewhere in my memory . And his hands made me cry for over 2 years... I honestly believe I was in emotional "shock" to finally have him say " yes  YES... I have a girlfriend and I am having sex with her ".  With such anger . And a trance happened to me.   It is the worst ...I am sorry .

[FamilyIsMyGoal]

That's a good way to describe it Barbie. It does feel like an out of body experience.  Surreal.  Those hands, those arms are as familiar to me as my own body, but they aren't mine anymore.

But I did manage, and maybe one day we can be friends - true friends.  Years from now I suppose.  I don't know.  I just have to get myself financially stable and keep my attention there for the time being.  Thanks for your support Barbie! 

[Schratz66]

Fam,

You are one heck of a woman. I am not sure I could sit next to my H and not lose it - they would probably have to cart me off to the nuthouse. So, kudos to you !!!
I love the truth darts that the CPA threw at your H - Isn't it crazy how the MLC actually thinks that just by stating something they can clear themselves from any legal responsibilities.... so sad that it's kind of cute - just like a little kid declaring since you wouldn't let them eat candy for breakfast you are no longer their mom and they are moving into the neighbors house.

I want to be off my mortgage - and I would like to be semi retired, however, I don't think that would stop my bills from coming in.

And I love that you see the MLC script more clearly - especially since you always sat on the fence if he is really MLC or just an unhappy marriage coming to an end.

Yes, it really really hurts still. I get it - I'm back to physically hurting again, so I get it. I am sending you the biggest cyber hug I can. It hurts and it sucks.
But in the muck of it, you are the Phoenix that is rising from the ashes.

[FamilyIsMyGoal]

"just like a little kid declaring since you wouldn't let them eat candy for breakfast you are no longer their mom and they are moving into the neighbors house." - Schratz 


This description fits perfectly!  LOL! 

I'm doing much better today for some reason.  I think actually being with him and seeing how imperfect he is has helped.  When he dumped me, I really built him up and put him on a pedestal.  I remembered only the good things about him.  None of the bad.  But this collaborative process has opened my eyes to the fact that he really is in a crisis of some sort.  I still love him, but he is not healthy or good for me right now.  He was angry with me for so long before he left (like the boiling frog dynamic, I can't remember when his incessant anger really started) and I live a peaceful life right now.  So while I was absolutely terrified to see him and spend significant time with him, I think it's actually been good for me.  Plus I am valuing how much more control I have over my life right now.  One of his personality defects is that he was always super impulsive and volatile (possibly bipolar, BPD or something) and now I can quietly plan my life and have a nice time with my boys without his boisterous personality taking over.  So today is a good day! 

[FamilyIsMyGoal]

We are starting to gather the financial information and the collaborative CPA is kind of alarmed that our personal CPA that does our taxes is also in business with H on several deals.  Apparently that is a big no-no in the accounting world although not illegal.  I think both my lawyer and the collaborative CPA are very distrustful of H's disclosures.  I'm honestly not sure what to think.  He seems like he's trying to be transparent but is and always has been very sloppy.  I won't have to meet with the team and H until May because it's taking a lot longer to get financial info than they thought it would.

His guilt about leaving is seemingly making him feel generous as far as splitting assets, etc.  But I don't know.  I don't know him anymore.  I'm a bit afraid of pushing him and having him monster at everyone and decide to really fight.  Ugh this is all so ugly.  I feel best when I pray for all of our healing.

I have to turn it over to my Higher Power. That's the only way that makes me feel at all sane in this.  Thanks for listening. 

[Schratz66]

Hey Fam,

That is rather unusual that the CPA is in business with your H. I am glad you seem to have a good lawyer that is looking out for your interest.
Isn't it crazy how in such a short time we go from knowing them so intimately to not knowing them at all ?
I still wonder some times if I have just been fooled for 17 years and never knew the man at all.
I am glad you find comfort in prayer and turning your worries over to your Higher Power.
Please also find comfort that we are here for you and that we care very much.

Hugs

[FamilyIsMyGoal]

Thanks Schratz!  I'm doing ok.  I have no idea how it's all going to shake out financially.  The uncertainty is hard.  Sometimes he sounds like he's willing to be generous (when he's high on pot and feeling extra guilty), but other times he just doesn't seem to understand how much it costs to run a house.  He has always been super sloppy with expenses and doesn't seem to have a grip.  I don't know, it's just one day at a time.  The thought of him with other women just drives me nuts as I'm sure it does everyone else here.  I've got monkey brain today...

[intown28]

Thankyou for this post....I also look at my H at times and see how frail he looks and tired and old looking and think great........lol....it must of been tough for you to trail through that...Hope in some way it brought you strenghth....

[intown28]

I am doing better, but it was hard sitting next to him.  I caught myself looking at his arms, his hands, all so familiar to me.  MY HUSBAND.  And thinking those arms have been around other women.''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''Wow I feel like that everytime I look at mine

[intown28]

gosh how do you do the quote thing

[FearNot]

Quickly attaching so I can catch up with this later! Hugs!!

[FamilyIsMyGoal]

Thanks all!  Please send me some good vibes and prayers today.  I have to meet with him and child psychologist today. 

I think he is cycling up right now, which is harder for me.  When he's down and depressed, I feel better.  Sorry, but that's the truth.  Past few emails have been more normal and while not quite happy, not dark and demented.  Among other things, I think he suffers from Seasonal Affective Disorder and Spring is right around the corner.

Please send me light and love and virtual hugs today!  Thank you!

[Schratz66]

Light, love, peace and a ton of hugs coming your way.

Let us know how it went.

[FearNot]

Sending Light, love, Hugs and Prayers!!

[FamilyIsMyGoal]

Thanks FearNot and Schratz!  It went ok.  I kept my composure for the most part but looking back, I definitely got some digs in which I'm sure weren't constructive.

I initiated a brief hello hug and he hung on for a second longer and I think sniffed my hair?! lol 

The session went ok.  The therapist was asking our history and of course according to him, we've been miserable for a very long time.  I said in my opinion it's been rough for a couple of years with the constant arguing.  He made it sound like our house was hell for the kids, but whatever, maybe he's right, who knows and I guess it doesn't matter anymore.  He hardened his heart against me as I guess many leavers do (whether MLC or not) to get over the guilt of ending a marriage. 

There was a look on his face a couple of times that just triggered me.  A hardness.  When he first BD'd and I cried and begged and wrote him a letter begging for another chance, he completely sh*t all over me.  I was so open hearted at that time and vulnerable and I experienced the worst monster of my life.  Utter hatred coming from him.  This was back in August.  So today in the session, when I saw a remnant of that look, I got angry inside.  I think that's why I gave him the digs and I didn't hug him when he left.  Just said goodbye.  It's all so confusing.  The familiarity of his voice, his mannerisms, etc combined with the apathy about my well being is just stunning.  He was emotional at times, but he really has hardened his heart against me.  He is all over the place, but has yet to show concern over how I'm doing.  Just unbelievable.  Welcome to MLC land, I guess.

[Schratz66]

Glad it went okay for you.
So sad that they can just detach themselves from any emotional connection with us.

[Schratz66]

The more i think about it the more it pisses me off how they can just be so cold and unemotional.
And then to have the nerve to sniff your hair  - ugh

But you handled it beautifully and gracefully.

[seahorse]

FIMG:  Attaching and catching up.  Glad the meeting with the child psychologist is over.  Sorry that he has such a hardened heart towards you.  It does happen - it’s how they justify what they’re doing, I believe. 
Hugs and warm thoughts to you.

[FamilyIsMyGoal]

Thanks so much Schratz and SeaHorse.  I haven't posted as much as I've wanted because I've been working a lot.  Which is a good thing!  I like where I work although it doesn't pay as much as I will need. 

Today, a set of H's cousins is coming to visit.  They are the only ones of his family that have had what I would call "normal" reaction to D announcement.  They saw H yesterday and I am a bit nervous as to what they will say.  They have been utterly kind to me and really reached out, so I shouldn't be too nervous, but you all know how it is....

Back in September, I insisted that we tell our boys about D because I wasn't going to be at a big family party that I have thrown for the past 15+ years.  I didn't want the boys to be asked awkward questions and the intent was for H to tell his family so that they wouldn't ask my boys where I was.  However, apparently, it didn't go like that!  He said I was at work, and didn't tell anyone anything up through Thanksgiving, where many of them were told again I was "at work".  WTF??!!  So I may get the scoop today as to who knows what or how it all went down.  And I haven't heard from any of his family except this one set of cousins.  It is amazing, because I truly loved them and thought they all loved me.  I was a part of the family and went to every wedding, funeral, holiday etc.  Now nothing.  Except the ones that are coming today.

Regardless, I am a bit nervous to hear what they have to say.  Of course, what I want to hear them say is:  "Oh he is doing terribly without you! He's made the biggest mistake of his life! This is all his fault, etc".  But what I'm afraid of hearing is that he is moving on and doing ok.  uggh.. just typing that hurt!  Anyway wish me luck...

[Mrs.Smiling]

That is something hard to stomach...Wanting to know what they say to family members. I found that my H just lies to his. Nobody has a clue what is going on. My F does however...H's mom now knows...She backs me...

Remember this if its the one thing you remember when worrying about whether or not they say he is moving on, and doing ok. The persona they show to others is not them. They will act happy, content, fine, great. But that's not how they really are. That is the show they put on. He is letting others see a side of him that is not, until he can just "BE", he can not show his real self.

I wish you luck...Just don't fall into the words of others...Believe yourself...

[FearNot]

Family,

It's always a gamble as to what they share and with whom. The fact that his family is coming to see you is awesome but I understand your feelings on it! I haven't heard much from my In laws except my one SIL. I sent a text wishing them Happy Easter, hope they were doing well etc. Got back "Happy Easter". Gone is the "love you like a daughter" blah blah blah, but that is on them. It truly sucks that the families end up divided and unsure of how to communicate over this and ripples of their MLC are felt throughout. Hugs to you!

[FamilyIsMyGoal]

Thank you Smiling and FearNot!

 It went very well.  They are very empathetic people and really listened to me.  They were wonderful.  I cried in front of them and they were very accepting.  They didn't say anything about H (which is fair considering he is their cousin), but kept the focus on me and how they cared about me.  They were here for several hours.  It was emotionally exhausting and I took a long nap afterwards.  This is the first person to person contact I've had with H's family since BD.  They hugged me for a long time and said to call them anytime.  I am so grateful for the angels that show up in my life!   

[Schratz66]

So happy Fam that they are such supportive people.
Has to make you feel good and you deserve every second of feel good you can get.

[seahorse]

FIMG - So glad that the visit was a positive experience, considering your apprehension.  It's hard to show our emotions, but when the time is right, it feels good to get it out.  Glad that they were empathetic, and no negativity toward either one of you. 

Hugs...

[FearNot]

So glad it went well FIMG and that it was a positive experience! Angels show up when you need them in the most unlikely ways 

[stillbaffled]

I'm glad you got the chance to share things with them.  I'm glad they listened and showed love and concern for you.  One of the things I've cherished has been the support from my FIL and my stepMIL. 

Nice that they said to contact them at any time.  It should have warmed your heart!   

[FamilyIsMyGoal]

Thank you all. It's all been so emotionally draining.

Tonight I had to see H as part of the D process.  We met with child psychologist to see if there were any issues that we needed to specifically address for the kids.

Nice H showed up.  Which is the hardest for me.  He talked about how happy he was and how rich and rewarding his life is.  That sucked.  He was stoned which he always is at least around me.  I was kind of cold to him.  Actually pretty cold.  Polite and civil but I didn't talk unless I had to and I didn't hug him hello or goodbye.  I was just too tired tonight.  I try to do the Last Resort Technique in general and put on the happy face and act like I'm doing just great, but tonight I just didn't have the energy.  I cried on the way home. 

One thing I noticed in the meeting was some narcissism that was always present, but I never really took note of.  The main concern of the psychologist is that H lives in a very tiny space, and while the kids want to spend more time with him, he hasn't really "made a home" for them.  He said the boys always know they are welcome there and there is plenty of room for them. (It's a 400 square foot cabin).  He said he is happy there.  The psych tried in several different ways to say that where he lives doesn't really work for the boys.  He replied in several different ways that he is happy there.  He couldn't hear what she was saying.  That while he may be happy there, the boys aren't.

This is such a tough road, and I'm still a newbie.  It's just going faster for me than sometimes I can handle.  I had to do the legal process to protect myself though.  Ugh... a rough night.

Plus I am so angry at him and I don't know how or when I get to express that!  He has no problem expressing his sh*t.  I'm trying to keep it together for my own dignity and for the sake of the boys and for the sake of having a civil divorce, but at some point I'm going to have to let it out. So many feelings at once!

[stillbaffled]

Plus I am so angry at him and I don't know how or when I get to express that!  He has no problem expressing his sh*t.  I'm trying to keep it together for my own dignity and for the sake of the boys and for the sake of having a civil divorce, but at some point I'm going to have to let it out. So many feelings at once!

I surely understand this FIMG.  My BD was 1/1/16 and I've never had the chance to express the myriad of emotions I've had to my MLCer.  I probably never will.  In the beginning my SIL listened to me a lot and I was able to vent.  After the D was final and he married the OW most people (including my family) just figure I should be over it and he's a loser and I should move on. 

I found the most consistent support and encouragement here, from people who knew just what I was going through and understood the craziness that was going on for me. 

I still find this the only place I can really share anything about how I'm feeling in regards to his MLC. 

Vent and post here.  We get it.  We support you. 

[Silver]

FIMG, so sorry about very hard situation, I have no doubt you are exhausted and down atm.

I agree you need a place and ways to channel all those emotions out as they are and will be inside you and trying to follow last resort or LBS "rules" in general is really exhausting as well as it is about NOT showing your true feelings but more like...well acting is the only word that comes into my mind. Takes so much energy to do that.

Vent here as still said, write letters to him if you are a writer, not sending them but put anything and everything in them. Don't know if it works for you at all but has worked for me. Do something physical to let the anger out, whatever are your ways, try to find them.

This is so heavy road as we all know but it won't be forever.

Sending strength and love

[Schratz66]

I'm so sorry my friend that you have to deal with all of this so quickly, but you were right to protect yourself.
I'm glad that H is so utterly happy that he has to be stoned before facing you.
That alone would infuriate me to no end. He is getting what he wants, destroying people on the way and then does not even have the decency to show up sober and clear headed the few times that serious issues regarding kids have to be discussed? Good job dad - and how selfish to just worry about that he's happy in his stinking cabin - who cares that there's no room for the boys, he's happy there. Really ? Grow the F*$# up and be a man and a dad. Those are your boys and you already tearing down their family home,  you can't even make sure there is a designated place for them in your new little abode?
Dang, Fam - I didn't realize I was that angry at your H....lol.

Maybe it is time to express your emotions - what do we have to lose really ?

This road indeed is rough and it sucks, but at least we are travelling it together.

Hang in there Fam.....

Hugs

[FearNot]

Hey Fam!

I am so sorry that you are going through this process, and at a much quicker rate than anticipated. I can't imagine how that feels, when those of us who do have a little time to process, still struggle, let alone doing it at warp speed.

Anger among the muddle of all the other emotions is a tough to deal with but Silver is right, you need to get it out! I think sometimes we get caught up in wanting to address that anger at H ( who does deserve it) but in the meantime, when that can't happen, find another avenue. You do feel better. I scream in my car (on the back roads...city peeps are too judgey they'd think I'm yelling at them and I probably get shot. Safety First!). I used to yell at home, but I'm pretty sure the neighbors can hear and I don't need them thinking I am a complete lunatic!! Try it... you might like it! I also have a punching bag  . No need to explain that. I put on "Rage Against the Machine"  (not my usual genre lol) and go to town. I've never really been one to yell, but I kinda like the release! Lol!

But in all seriousness...I'm thinking about you and I'm sorry  .

Hang on! It will get better 
Hugs N Prayers!
FN

[FamilyIsMyGoal]

StillBaffled, I totally agree with you.  This is the safest place and I get the best support here.  Nobody understands like you guys.  My friends are absolutely wonderful, but it's great to have a team of us going through this supporting each other.

Silver, Thanks, for me I think exercise and crying is best .  There's a place I can walk where I'm usually the only one and I walk and cry and pray for an hour. That was really my most cathartic time last fall.  The weather has been difficult, but I should be able to do that again.  Thanks for your support.  Honestly, it does mean a lot coming from the male species when my H has painted me as too horrible to have to live with.

As usual Schratz, your gentle loving support is so healing!  And I love that you're getting mad at my H!  Why is it so hard for us to get mad at our own H's?  "He is getting what he wants, destroying people on the way and then does not even have the decency to show up sober and clear headed the few times that serious issues regarding kids have to be discussed?"  I mean, right?!!!  But sometimes it's hard for me to see.  I make tons of excuses for him in my head.  Plus somehow figure it's my fault.  I must be so awful, etc.  I'm so sick of internalizing that crap.

FearNot, thank you again for your support.  I love that I can count on my peeps.  Screaming in my car is another good one!  Lol, I do live in the country where everyone has a gun, so I have to be careful!  I don't know Rage Against the Machine, but I might have to start listening to that when I walk. 

It's a rough road, but it is eye opening.  In limbo, I got to deny to myself that my H has some real problems, whether MLC, substance abuse, mental disorder or whatever.  But seeing him face off against lawyers, psychologists, etc with his craziness really makes me go hmmmmm.....

Debra McCleod says that most MLCers do eventually come to their senses, but the ones who don't tend to be the ones with previous narcissistic tendencies.  And the thing with the not providing a home for his boys sort of speaks to that.  He has always assumed if he is feeling something, then everyone must be feeling it and gets upset when others don't jump on whatever bandwagon he's on. 

I don't know though, everything feels like opposite world now.  I guess in several years I will be able to unravel this all better. But for right now, I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other in the best direction I can figure out.  I pray a lot for guidance and I am grateful for that.  You all are awesome and thanks for cheering me on!

[Schratz66]

We do have the best peeps here, I agree.
 Fam, we will all get through this together.

[FearNot]

Warning Family... Rage Against music will not promote a nice calm peaceful walk! Lol. I call it my "angry" music... when I want to beat the living beejeeebus out of things, I play that... and beat the living beejeeebus out of my punching bag. Lol! You might find yourself running instead of walking, kicking trees...throwing rocks.. Lol!

And yes we certainly do have the best peeps here!

[seahorse]

FIMG-First, you are right - we do have the best support group here in HS.  THat’s because everyone’s been through the same or something similar so can relate.  MLC is not a widely understood idea.

Rage Against will definitely not calm you down, so rage away, punch, run ,whatever it takes to get that anger out.

Lastly, I believe that most, if not all, MLCer’s become narcissistic at some point.  I wouldn’t put too much credence in that thought, unless he was that way when you got married.  That’s just my opinion, but it seems like everyone else talks about their spouse being narcissistic through MLC.

[FamilyIsMyGoal]

Thank you all. 

A couple of days ago I had a heated discussion with my two teenage boys regarding custody and living arrangements.  I live in the marital home while H has chosen to live in a summer bungalow that he winterized.  It is about 400 sq. feet.  He winterized it by hand.  It's been in his family since the 1950's and is fully paid for. 

Why is he doing this?  Well I don't know and didn't care until my boys told me that I am being unfair.  They said that I live in a nice house while he lives in a shack.  The convo started because they wanted H to come over while I was at work.  I said no, that wasn't an agreed day.  They said it's not fair, since I'm not here what difference does it make?  I said this is where I live and I want my boundaries.  They kept saying he has to live in a terrible place.  I said no he doesn't.  He could get a place where you would feel comfortable.  They said he "can't afford that because he has to give all his money to us."  omg, so I don't know what he has been telling them, but I found myself in a position where I had to defend myself and I ended up bad mouthing him a bit.  i.e., I said, well he could get a normal job and besides that, there is enough money that he could get a place now where there is enough room for you.  I also said things like "well it's not my fault he decided to have a midlife crisis and move out."  So I said more than I should have but not as much as I wanted to.  I wanted to say, well if he could give up smoking pot everyday and getting drunk every night, he might be able to hold down a real job.  The guy has an MBA from NYU and is perfectly healthy and smart.   But he can't seem to find a normal job in a low unemployment rate environment.  hmm... but I can't say all of that. 

I reached out to the collaborative divorce team to help us through this, so I do have a support system, but ughh... divorce is so ugly and just so bad for the kids.  Even when you try to protect them as much as possible, it's just not possible. 

Thanks for listening and being there for me!

[FearNot]

I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this Family!

I have such empathy for you and trying to deal with your kids and what your H is feeding them. I have experienced it with my in laws and that surely doesn't compare to having it come from your children. My heart goes out to you! It is so hurtful that we tend to get blamed for their choices.

Don't be too hard on yourself. You realize what you said, forgive yourself and move forward. It is important that you stick to your boundaries! You made a positive step by reaching out with the D team to help, so give yourself some credit. Nothing about D is easy for you or your kids, and you're right you won't always be able to protect them, but you are there for them! Sometimes it is so difficult to zip it!!

Big Hugs!!
FN

[FamilyIsMyGoal]

Thanks FN!

I am actually doing much better.  Surprised that even with a lot of chaos over the weekend, emails and such, I am still feeling pretty centered!  I have to say, one thing I'm really good at is reaching out for help when I need it.  Talked to my al-anon sponsor, my therapist and my lawyer.  And I feel pretty strong. 

And last week I noticed that the pit in my stomach that I've had since August 6, 2017 is actually starting to dissolve!  Wow!  I am really grateful for that.

So at least right now, the roller coaster is leveling out a bit, and I seem to be on one of the hills.  (Being of Irish background, I'm always afraid of jinxing it  )

[FamilyIsMyGoal]

I feel like I'm doing pretty well.  I had to see him twice this morning as we passed each other dropping off kids at school.  The familiarity/unfamiliarity is so weird, if you know what I mean.  I know his mannerisms better than my own.  But he is a stranger now.  I have no idea what he is doing where he is going, etc.

The mirror work that I have been doing, I think is finally kicking in.  I definitely feel more centered.  I am also focusing on the really great things about having the house to myself.  The gardening I can do, the freedom from judgement and criticism.  The money is going to be a lot tighter for me, but I find that I need much less to be happy.  I don't need so much to "get away".  My home is becoming MY castle.

I have been watching Mozart in the Jungle, which is super fun and one of the characters said "To grow old sucks, but to grow old alone is divine!"

I have to admit, I am starting to see that. 

My boys have expressed that the best thing for them is for STBXH to get along as friends.  Well I'm no where near that, but I hope to be someday. We are cordial but cold.  His monster is always lurking, but lately now that lawyers are involved, he seems to have it a bit more under control. 

I also want to say that I feel a bit guilty not posting on more people's threads! I want to support everyone, but I am also a little bit overwhelmed with all the changes I need to adjust to.  So I just want to send (((((HUGS))))) to ALL!

[FamilyIsMyGoal]

ok, well that was quick!

Just found my H on Match.com.  I saw a charge on a credit card for match so did some detective work.  "Don't go looking for trouble, because you will always find it."

He is listed as "divorced" which he is not.  A "moderate drinker" which he is not.  Makes $150,000k + which he doesn't - at least that's not what he is telling the lawyers. 

And, very funnily, he mentions in his description that he is "sane"  HA HA!  Totally not.  Well, I guess if he is in the market for female MLCers, then relatively speaking, maybe.

Also, it hurts that in his pictures, he's wearing all the clothes that I bought for him.

[Schratz66]

You sound amazing Fam. I love that you are enjoying 'your' home now and all the peace it brings.

And I do know what you mean by the familiar but unfamiliar. It's so surreal - these are people we've spend half our lives with and yet overnight they became strangers.
Cordial between you and H is as much as anybody can expect at this point and if you can be friends later down the line, great, but if you cannot, then that is okay. You just do what is best for you.

And please don't worry about posting on other people's threads - we do what we can and this does not need to become a 'have to' for you - we all understand that every one of us has a life and some times we have time and some times we don't.

I used to enjoy gardening, but it was something we did together, so now it has just become a necessary evil that always brings back nostalgic memories. Hopefully one day it will become enjoyable again.

Oops - just saw your next post - really, dude - Match.com - and all lies...wow - I would print that out that he is making 150 k and show it to my lawyer......I am sorry Fam, that has to cut through like a knife. Ugh - just when we think we are getting to be ok.


 

[stillbaffled]

ok, well that was quick!

Just found my H on Match.com.  I saw a charge on a credit card for match so did some detective work.  "Don't go looking for trouble, because you will always find it."

He is listed as "divorced" which he is not.  A "moderate drinker" which he is not.  Makes $150,000k + which he doesn't - at least that's not what he is telling the lawyers. 

And, very funnily, he mentions in his description that he is "sane"  HA HA!  Totally not.  Well, I guess if he is in the market for female MLCers, then relatively speaking, maybe.

Also, it hurts that in his pictures, he's wearing all the clothes that I bought for him.

And this is why I won't be looking on the internet for a date!   

Sorry that you had to uncover this but I would certainly be printing that out for future reference in the event you need to use it. 

I am glad that you are in your house and that you are enjoying it.   

[FamilyIsMyGoal]

Thanks Schratz and StillBaffled!

Surprisingly I feel ok.  Right after he BD'd me, I went into primal panic mode (as we all do). I had him up on such a high pedestal, I couldn't believe I lost the most amazing man in the universe.

Now that I've calmed down some and have had to interact with the real man, reality is setting in.  He is a good man at heart but really really crazy right now.  And seeing him lie on match, well that just lumps him into the category of all the MLCers on match who are confused and desperate enough to lie to get a date.

I am continuing to work on myself, and my life is pretty happy.  I have fantastic friends, a nice fun job and my boys and I are getting along better than ever.  I don't have to wake up to someone who is angry at me first thing in the morning, which is nice.

Schratz, I think that's why it's harder to have a vanisher because it's so easy to keep them up on the pedestal if you don't see or hear from them.

[UrsaMajor]

He can post this as his Match.Com profile pic.....

[FamilyIsMyGoal]

HaHa!!!  I love it UM! 

So there is more to the story...

Apparently on match, if you subscribe, you can see who has viewed you. My profile doesn't have a picture or anything and it's a free account.
I got a notification that my STBXH winked at me and messaged me!!!! omg... seriously you can't make this stuff up. (I can't read the message unless I pay for an account)

And while he is flirting with random women on match, he is monstering at me through email and text.  I truly have been fairly neutral and non reactive for the past year with only a couple of slip ups.  Today he sent me rageful emails and texts about changing the various accounts over like amazon and netflix, etc.  He was full on hate.  Like I was the most selfish person in the world.  Even though my lawyer told me not to change anything and to tell him that.  We signed a participation agreement where nothing would be changed until we reach a separation agreement.  But he is accusing me of just being selfish.  While ignorantly winking at my match profile.

Signed - Still living in Opposite World...

[FearNot]

Holy Bananas! You have got to be kidding!

 UM must have gif for this!!!

I am so sorry Fam... this really is unreal... I am actually quite speechless! I can't imagine how this would feel. What a weird weird mix of things and how infuriating! Big Hugs!

[UrsaMajor]

Oooooooo...... My devious mind took over.......

Make a date with him on Match and then when he shows up, nail him to the wall.....



Yep, I'm going straight to Hades....

[FamilyIsMyGoal]

Thanks FN and UM! 

UM, I have really been thinking of the devious things I could do.  Besides messing with him on match, once the D is done, I am going to be signing him up for various things like hair plugs, erectile dysfunction info, retirement homes, etc.   

I don't know if I really will, but it's fun to think about.

[Schratz66]

You got to be kidding me about him winking at you
If anybody needed proof that they are out of their minds, there it is.
Who does that ??

Mind blown.

[FamilyIsMyGoal]

Thanks Schratz!

One thing I am learning about myself is that I shut down and keep moving.  That's good and bad.  Tuesday was rough with the winking and raging, but I was at work and just kept moving.  But yesterday, I was home and wanted to get a ton of stuff done but just ended up laying in bed much of the day.  I realized that I compartmentalize things, and I don't even realize it.  I think I'm fine, handling it, etc.. but it just gets stuffed away to come out later.  That's ok I guess as long as I realize it.  I don't know, I want to talk to my therapist about this.

Thankfully no winks or rages since Tuesday.

In the beginning, I was definitely a stander.  Now, I kind of can't wait until things are settled and we can move on.  I have read a lot about borderline personality disorder, and while I am not sure he has that (my therapist who worked with him as well, suggested he might), and came across the term "high conflict personality" and he is definitely that.  And always has been even before MLC.  Now it's just off the charts.

I have a lot to work on, but I do feel like my life is getting better.  Much less of a roller coaster. 

[Thunder]

Family you just reminded me, I did the same this.  I found the dating site he was on and guessed at him password...and there he was, profile pix was one I took of him while we were camping.   

He never paid so he did nothing but look but the funny thing was, on his profile, one of his positive traits was..He's Loyal.   
And yes he was still married at the time.

Oh and he put separated, I changed it to married.  ha ha  Don't know if he ever saw it.   I didn't care.
So yes I was evil.   

[Treasur]

That's SO funny, Thunder...he was probably going  and wondering why he wasn't getting much interest, ha, ha

[FamilyIsMyGoal]

oh Thunder - too funny!  I could probably guess his password too, but I'm afraid of getting into his account and getting my heartbroken all over again.

If I could, I would though!  Maybe after D is done, I will execute all my devious plans...

[Thunder]

Ha ha..I know.   

I think it was just a short lived thing so he maybe didn't see it but if he checked for responses, bet he was disappointed.   

I like your idea,...and give them her address to mail the information to.   

Hey a girls gotta have some fun with this.

I wonder who else did devious things.

One more thing I remember doing was, he was making CD's for this "guy" at work.  Of course I figured it wasn't really a "guy" so I took the CD and re-recorded it with our wedding song on it.  ha ha ha
He never knew and the guy really liked the CD.  It really WAS for a guy, which made it even funnier.   It's not a song you would record for a guy.  The guy probably thought...

[Thunder]

Oh no, don't do it, Family.  Not if you got a wink already.
Bad move.

Find something else to be devious about.   

[FamilyIsMyGoal]

Yay, I'm glad to be back!  I've been working a lot and just taking care of a bunch of stuff.  I want to catch up with everybody.

So, my STBXH just lost his main father figure, his karate sensei.  Truly more of a father figure than his own father.  He's been with him for about 35 years.  The man has had cancer for about a year, and he just died yesterday.  H just flew off to Japan to attend the funeral and be with the Dojo.  I think that this man having terminal cancer plus a couple of other close losses he had this past year was the big trigger of MLC.  He actually made the decision to D when he was in Japan in August visiting his sensei. 

So my question is this:  Will this make MLC worse? Or will it maybe help him turn a corner?  I know, I know... no expectations...

I'm just curious from those who have more experience with this than I do.

Oh and H spent all last week monstering at me through email and text.  Really just made it clear he wants nothing to do with me.  So when he sent me the email last night, along with some other logistical stuff (canceling kids doctors appts, delivering info to cpa, etc), I just replied very perfunctorily:  "Sorry for your loss.. safe travels".  I really don't feel like going out of my way to comfort him after all his monstering.  Plus when he told me a few months ago that sensei didn't have long to live, I sent him a very nice comforting email.

A little bit interesting, and I don't want to read too much into it:  This morning, he had to drop off my son who was staying with him this week so that I could take him to school.  I was getting my other son ready.  So he dropped him off, but sat in the driveway for about 10 minutes on his iphone.  He told my son that he was "just taking care of some $h!te".  But I'm wondering if he was hoping I would come out and say something.  Honestely, if he hadn't have been such a jack*ss these past several months, I would have.  But I'm at the point where I have to look out for my own emotional well being rather than his.  I don't know if I did the right thing.  I think I did.  not sure.

[Thunder]

I'd say yes, you did the right thing. 

Let him sit out there all day.  If he wants to talk to you he knows where the door is. 

[FamilyIsMyGoal]

lol, loved that Thunder!  Yes, indeedy he does. 

That's my codependence for ya!

[FearNot]

I think you did the right thing too Family!! I think that was a great step in the right direction for you  . Tough to put ourselves and what we need first!

[FamilyIsMyGoal]

Thanks FN!  I feel better today because he's on the other side of the world and I know I won't encounter him at least for a couple of days.

However, he still sends me a terse email, just short and not very polite.  Saying "Is this taken care of yet?" And it was a very small thing. A form for one of the kids that needs to be filled out for camp in July.   Why would he be thinking about it as he is landing in Tokyo?

  So it just got me wondering, is monstering a form of anchor checking?  Trying to get me to react in a negative way over something stupid?  I hadn't really thought about it before.  He has sent me a lot of terse, angry emails over small things lately.  I mean what's the point?  I'm not resisting divorce, it's all moving forward, so why the constant hostility over nothing?

I would love opinions from more experienced people. 

 Not that there's is anything different for me to do.

  I didn't bother answering him.  Not to be be mean, but he's in Japan going to a funeral of a person very important to him.  I'm not going to respond about any camp form.  I just don't feel the need to answer him about this menial thing.