Author Topic: My Story New Thread: He is deep in the tunnel but I'm getting stronger!  (Read 1600 times)

Offline FamilyIsMyGoalTopic starter

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My Story Re: New Thread: He is deep in the tunnel but I'm getting stronger!
« Reply #10 on: March 06, 2018, 12:58:48 PM »
I am feeling hurt right now because we had a big snow storm here which knocked power out of our house for almost five days.  He did not ask once if we were ok.  I sent him an email this morning asking what his schedule was for the boys this week, and he is out in Denver (which I knew, but didn't know when he was due back).  I wanted to know if he was coming to the house tonight to have dinner with the boys which is his Tuesday night thing while I go out.  He replied back with his schedule, and not once asked if we were ok.  Instead asked if I had heard from the financial guy about our D stuff.  And we have another big storm coming tonight. 

So on the way to the gas station to refill all those canisters, I started crying.  Realized it was because of his indifference.  I haven't cried much since starting on Lexapro, so it's kind of shocking when it happens.  Seems like it's hard for the tears to break through that drug (for which I am very grateful at least for the time being).  And his mother lives one town away and had power the whole time.  Not once did she check on us either.  She and I used to be close.  I was definitely her favorite daughter-in-law.  But everything is topsy turvy now.
Divorce Bomb August 6, 2017
Married 19 years
Together 22 years
Physically separated - he's 15 miles away
Two Teenage boys
Me: 54
H 58
OW? I don't know - probably plural

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: New Thread: He is deep in the tunnel but I'm getting stronger!
« Reply #11 on: March 06, 2018, 04:00:37 PM »
Hey Family, sorry you are struggling right now after a major storm (but big bonus on how much you learned about generators!). 

I think most of us understand that feeling of "sheesh, I just weathered a major event/natural disaster and crazy MLer doesn't even bother to check to see if we're all still alive and well". 

A good meltdown is certainly allowed.  You've earned it.  Sending support. 
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline Schratz66

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Re: New Thread: He is deep in the tunnel but I'm getting stronger!
« Reply #12 on: March 06, 2018, 04:59:01 PM »
Hugs Fam,

I bet you were cool as a cucumber during the storm just doing what needed done taking care of you and the boys. So it’s okay that you lost it over the gas cans :)
Their indifference is mind boggling. My H couldn’t go a day without talking to me. All over sudden he can go months without talking to me or giving a damn if I’m dead or alive.
I’m 8 1/2 months in and I still haven’t wrapped my head around it. Small parts I get, but on the whole it still blows my mind how a person we’ve known intimately for decades can turn I to a stranger overnight.

Pretty crappy of your MIL not at least checking on the boys. Then again my MIL shunned me the day he left. And I would have thought better of her as she went through it with FIL

All I can say is that we are the better people Fam - somehow we will come out of this gut wrenching nightmare and we will walk taller and stronger and with our children by our sides.

Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline FamilyIsMyGoalTopic starter

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Re: New Thread: He is deep in the tunnel but I'm getting stronger!
« Reply #13 on: March 07, 2018, 07:36:00 AM »
Thanks Baffled and Schratz.  Honestly, this forum is a sanity saver (or at least what's left of it).  Yeah, Schratz, my H and I talked several times a day when we were together.  If he was on the road, he would call me or text or whatever.  Just chit chatting on the day to day stuff.  Now, nothing.

And I was cool as a cucumber!  Thanks!  I feel like I have to be so strong for my boys.  We even made it a bit fun with various things we had to do.  I've learned that my MIL is very very weak.  She tries to be a good person, but when it comes to difficult times, she just hides.  That's my guess.  Also, I found out last year, she cheated on H's dad for 20 years!!!! You would never expect that.  She seems like a sweet little old lady that never curses, drinks or anything.  But she had a 20 year affair with the maintenance guy in her building!  So H definitely has FOO issues.  Apparently his Dad was a bit of a nut as well. I never met him as he died before I came onto the scene.

I really don't know how to think about this.  I'm thinking back to my one other major relationship where I broke up with him.  Now this guy had major drug issues and I warned him and warned him; it was the drugs or me.  He ended up choosing drugs and I had to break up with him.  I had to cut him off, not take his calls, etc.  So I don't know if that compares but I'm trying to figure it out (I know! Stop doing that!). 
Divorce Bomb August 6, 2017
Married 19 years
Together 22 years
Physically separated - he's 15 miles away
Two Teenage boys
Me: 54
H 58
OW? I don't know - probably plural

Offline FamilyIsMyGoalTopic starter

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Re: New Thread: He is deep in the tunnel but I'm getting stronger!
« Reply #14 on: March 08, 2018, 08:31:07 AM »
One funny thing, is I keep getting job posting emails from Monster.  Everytime I see something from "Monster.com" , I automatically think for a second it's from H.  ;D
Divorce Bomb August 6, 2017
Married 19 years
Together 22 years
Physically separated - he's 15 miles away
Two Teenage boys
Me: 54
H 58
OW? I don't know - probably plural

Offline FamilyIsMyGoalTopic starter

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Re: New Thread: He is deep in the tunnel but I'm getting stronger!
« Reply #15 on: March 09, 2018, 06:21:35 AM »
I really only communicate with H via email at this point.  Sometimes text.  I swear I have PTSD when I see on my email tab that I have new messages. 

We are starting on the financial documents for D, and I am still quite stunned and disbelieving that this is actually happening. 

I am seven months in and I still think about this all day everyday.  Does everyone else do the same?

I'm basically ok.  I've been having great bonding time with my boys and my friends have been fantastic.  But I can't believe the shock that I am still feeling. 
Divorce Bomb August 6, 2017
Married 19 years
Together 22 years
Physically separated - he's 15 miles away
Two Teenage boys
Me: 54
H 58
OW? I don't know - probably plural

Online Treasur

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Re: New Thread: He is deep in the tunnel but I'm getting stronger!
« Reply #16 on: March 09, 2018, 06:41:28 AM »
Yup, me too...and I'm 2.5 years in! If I let myself stop and think about it, I still find it as shocking that this is where we are and some of the insane things that have happened...so more and more, I glance at that and move on. The feeling doesn't change the fact.

I still think about my H and/or the situation every day too. Some of that is triggered by having to deal with the divorce stuff and life changes like a new home, of course, so will pass. The good news is that I am no longer floundering or lost in grief for my H as I was a year ago. Are things good? No. Do I still wish I/we weren't here? Yes. Do I know I can live with it and past it? Yes...and for a long time, I really wasn't sure I could.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Schratz66

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Re: New Thread: He is deep in the tunnel but I'm getting stronger!
« Reply #17 on: March 09, 2018, 12:10:00 PM »
Fam,

I am almost 9 months in and there is days where I am still in shock and not a day goes by where I do not think about it.
Now it has gotten better as far as much time I think about it - some days more, some days less, but not a single day where I do not think about him and how it happened.
This morning (and I blame PMS) I wanted to throw a toddler tantrum that this just isn't fair - he wasn't unhappy with me - he was unhappy with a lot of bad things going on in his life, but not with me. Unfortunately I was the only expandable thing to change in his life, so I guess I was collateral damage in his quest for happiness.
It sucks and it isn't fair and I don't like it, but yet, here we are.

Having to get up each day and facing life - a new life - and try to make the best each day as we don't know when it will be our last.

Hugs
Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline barbiedoll

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Re: New Thread: He is deep in the tunnel but I'm getting stronger!
« Reply #18 on: March 09, 2018, 01:41:31 PM »
I believe that thinking about it will last a lifetime. I really truly do. It cannot be truly ever forgotten . We may think about it "differently, less emotional sting " but we will never not have it wonder across our minds . I am 4 years... and I believe I think about the affair daily . Not all day long ( like I did) , but it darts into my thoughts . I do not cry about it anymore, I do not constantly ruminate over it ( I did!) and I no longer think about running into her everytime I leave the house . But it is still there ...
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Online Kitkat23

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Re: New Thread: He is deep in the tunnel but I'm getting stronger!
« Reply #19 on: March 09, 2018, 02:25:25 PM »
Fam my H asked for a D 5 months ago and it’s literally all I think about. Sometimes I cry, although I’ve gone a whole week this time with out a tear. Other times like you I’m on edge ever time an email comes in or the post drops through the door. For a time he would drop something awful on me every Friday without fail. I actually started to name Friday as Black Friday for about 2 months. It is enough to test your nerves.

You said it’s his indifference that upset you. That sounds so familiar and is completely understandable. I was brought down by a sickness bug at the weekend and H couldn’t have cared less . He left the house in a mess including dog sick on the carpet and couldn’t even be bothered to put the pots in the dishwasher. Over the next few days when he called to speak to our D he never asked once how I was or if I was ok to take care of D who’s only 4. Almost a week on and he’s still said nothing. It’s completely ok for you to feel like this as you are not only having to get your head around the peithat they have become but the rejection from someone who not all that long ago was your rock and probably the one person who comforted you on a daily basis.

Keep going as you are doing so well.

 

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