Author Topic: My Story New Thread: He is deep in the tunnel but I'm getting stronger!  (Read 1601 times)

Offline FearNot

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My Story Re: New Thread: He is deep in the tunnel but I'm getting stronger!
« Reply #20 on: March 09, 2018, 11:44:18 PM »
Hey Family,
I'm glad you weathered the storm and are doing ok. Hope the next one isn't as bad. I'm sorry that neither your H or MIL stepped up to the plate. That sucks and feels crappy, but on the positive you took care of what you needed to and you were all ok!

I think about my situation numerous times a day. Trying to rationalize it, but there's just no way to do that effectively with MLC.
Tears are going to come, it's all part of it and a great stress relief. You just can't keep it locked inside. I have made it a number of days without them, and it seems I sort of tell myself I'm done with them! Like "phew" glad those aren't happening, and then bam!! You get a day where they just happen and I feel frustrated because I "give in" to the tears. I was telling a friend about that, her response was you are seriously wondering/frustrated because you cry? I said yes... she said well I'm pretty sure that would be the most expected response to this. It'a a wonder your not a sobbing mess on the floor. Kinda made me laugh and realize, it's all about perspective. I think we put a lot of pressure on ourselves to stop the tears because we maybe see it as a sign of weakness, when in reality it is release and we grow and change with every tear that shed.

Hugs and Prayers to you my friend!
M 46
H 39
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline FamilyIsMyGoalTopic starter

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Re: New Thread: He is deep in the tunnel but I'm getting stronger!
« Reply #21 on: March 12, 2018, 08:29:13 AM »
Thanks FearNot!  I so appreciate your support.  xoxo

KitKat, The indifference is so very very hard.  And for me, when he cares about the kids and not me, it just hurts even more.  Even though I recognize that I should be glad for the kids, I just feel like maybe it's not him, but me.  It seems like whatever he does, it's just fricken hard. Just last year he was my rock and we talked constantly throughout the day.  I can't wrap my mind around the abrupt change.

Barbie, I agree with you.  These scars will last a lifetime.  I'm hoping I can turn them into something beautiful somehow.

Schratz, thank you so much.  Yes we are collateral damage in their incredibly flawed search for happiness.  That's a great way to look at it.

Treasur, you are always an inspiration!  I love your posts and I know you are going through a really rough time right now so I appreciate you taking the time to post on my thread.

This morning I got an email from H saying my younger son wants to spend more time with him and has wanted to for awhile.  H is of course very happy about this.  I know this is good for my son, but I can't help but feel jealous. I wanted to be the heroic parent that my boys wanted to stay with.  And I was under the impression that both boys did prefer to stay with me because neither of them wanted to go to H's on Friday.  So I will talk to my son and make sure that's what he wants.  I know it's petty on my part because it will only help my boys to have a good relationship with their father, but I am jealous!  I shouldn't be because my boys spend the vast majority of time with me.

The other thing that hurts is that unlike many MLCers, my H does want time with the boys.  At least right now.  In the beginning, the first couple of months after BD, when I think he had a girlfriend, he was kind of MIA with the boys.  And sometimes he doesn't pick them up when he should, etc.  But in general, he wants the boys to be with him.  So that makes me think, maybe it's not MLC, maybe it's my failure at our marriage.  I go back to beating myself up about it. 

Plus of course, we are starting the D process.  So every email I get that moves that forward, I go into shock again. PTSD all over again.  I had to start the D process because he was bullying me. I hate this.

I am feeling low this morning, but in general, I truly am doing better.  My friends say I look tons better and I smile a lot more.  Or there is a more relaxed easy going way about me.  I don't know, I don't have any answers.  Just really taking it one day at a time and trying to do the next right thing for me and my boys.  Thanks for all your support out there!  Love and Light to you all!
Divorce Bomb August 6, 2017
Married 19 years
Together 22 years
Physically separated - he's 15 miles away
Two Teenage boys
Me: 54
H 58
OW? I don't know - probably plural

Offline MCSINME

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Re: New Thread: He is deep in the tunnel but I'm getting stronger!
« Reply #22 on: March 12, 2018, 08:49:12 AM »
FIMG:

Finally catching up.  I'm sorry that you've been going through such a difficult time lately.  I hate that you're hurting.

Like you said; the indifference is really hurtful.  Just keep detaching and reading and posting.  You'll get through this.  You're strong.

I understand that jealousy thing about wanting to be your son's hero.  I am the same way and mixed blessing that my S16 DOES NOT want anything to do with H because he knows about EMA and sees the way that H treats him.  I would LOVE for my son to want to spend time with H.  I guess it's all about a happy medium...

Hugs your way.
MCS

Offline FamilyIsMyGoalTopic starter

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Re: New Thread: He is deep in the tunnel but I'm getting stronger!
« Reply #23 on: March 12, 2018, 09:21:57 AM »
Thanks MCSINME.  Some days are really good.  But right now, I am having to deal with D.  That is so hard.  And then I question myself.  I started the D process because he kept bullying me about dividing up property, but like many MLCers didn't actually do anything legal.  But I was afraid of him really doing bad stuff with the money because he was so off the rails emotionally/mentally. But now I'm wondering if I shouldn't have and just let it play out.  I am "acting as if" I'm ok, but I'm really not!  I'm not ready for D, but I feel like I had to protect myself. 

ugh...
Divorce Bomb August 6, 2017
Married 19 years
Together 22 years
Physically separated - he's 15 miles away
Two Teenage boys
Me: 54
H 58
OW? I don't know - probably plural

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: New Thread: He is deep in the tunnel but I'm getting stronger!
« Reply #24 on: March 12, 2018, 05:46:14 PM »
Family - navigating through the D is a real drain on us.  As it's said here......no way around it, have to go through it. 

Sending support. 
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline MCSINME

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Re: New Thread: He is deep in the tunnel but I'm getting stronger!
« Reply #25 on: March 12, 2018, 05:50:49 PM »
FIMG:

Everyone is different. 
Many on the site told me to file for D as H is spending $ that I have no idea what it's on, but lawyer recommended against if I want to stand -- in MY circumstance .

You had to do what was best for you and your situation.
Maybe not ideal, but no way to know.  You just use your best judgement.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this right now.  Hopefully it will get easier as time progresses.

Hugs to you FMIG.
MCS
« Last Edit: March 15, 2018, 10:35:09 AM by OldPilot »

Offline FearNot

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Re: New Thread: He is deep in the tunnel but I'm getting stronger!
« Reply #26 on: March 12, 2018, 07:42:08 PM »
Family,

I am so sorry that you are going through this right now! I can only imagine how difficult it is dealing with D, considering how I felt just having a phone conversation. You did what you thought was best for you and there's nothing wrong with that! I kind of feel like when making these decisions it's like going to the casino. You never know if you will win or lose, but it's best to set a limit on what you spend!! It's a gamble, and there's no real way to know for sure. Like you said, one day a time. Hugs and prayers to you Family!
M 46
H 39
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline FamilyIsMyGoalTopic starter

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Re: New Thread: He is deep in the tunnel but I'm getting stronger!
« Reply #27 on: March 13, 2018, 08:29:27 AM »
Thank you all.  I have been working hard these past few months to be as upbeat as possible.  And that has gotten me through.  These past couple of weeks though, has been rough.  Harder to cling to denial with the D progressing.  The one person who I want to hug me through this is the one who is causing the pain. 

I have to see H this Thursday with financial guy.  Sadly, I have put on some of the weight that I lost on the D diet!  Well, not all of it, and I am truly grateful that I can eat again even if it's a bit too much.   ;)  But I am getting my hair done today and will pick out as flattering outfit as possible.

I truly don't know what's going to happen in the future.  Sometimes my M does seem different than others here because we have always had some problems.  And I think there are addiction issues as well.  But I felt like we had gotten through the worst of it when everything fell apart.  When the pain is too much, I do go back and read reconciliation stories and google things like "Midlife Crisis Regrets" etc. 

There are a ton of great things about living alone with my kids and not having someone to constantly have to compromise with, someone who is incessantly angry at me (not sure when the anger started.  Was it always there and progressed? Or did it start unknowingly on my part a few years ago aka the "boiling frog" method.).  But most of the time, I only remember the good things about him and our marriage.  Is that a result of being left?

I don't know.  I'm going through this the best I can, but these past couple of weeks have been full of pain.  Thanks to you all for being there!
Divorce Bomb August 6, 2017
Married 19 years
Together 22 years
Physically separated - he's 15 miles away
Two Teenage boys
Me: 54
H 58
OW? I don't know - probably plural

Offline FamilyIsMyGoalTopic starter

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Re: New Thread: He is deep in the tunnel but I'm getting stronger!
« Reply #28 on: March 13, 2018, 11:31:00 AM »
I just sent him a truth dart.  We have been having to discuss financials which is like putting him in a pressure cooker.  He started getting snippy and terse.  I just remained calm. This is all through email.  He sent me a nice email which I sort of viewed as a possible opening to talk to my "good" husband.  This is what he said:

"i am finding this very stressful   

i apologize for my shortness  both past and future

i thank you for conducting yourself so well"

I replied back: "Thank you, I appreciate that.  This is absolutely the most horrible thing I have gone through in my life, but I will turn it into something good for myself and hopefully others. 

Do you still plan on coming over tonight? I just need to know because if you are I am going out to dinner with a friend before the meeting."

I haven't heard back, but one of the very frustrating things that has been happening is that he keeps talking about his pain even though he started all this and is unfaithful besides that.  I wanted to send a truth dart.  I imagine it will fall on deaf ears, but who knows, maybe it will have some sort impact?
Divorce Bomb August 6, 2017
Married 19 years
Together 22 years
Physically separated - he's 15 miles away
Two Teenage boys
Me: 54
H 58
OW? I don't know - probably plural

Offline Schratz66

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Re: New Thread: He is deep in the tunnel but I'm getting stronger!
« Reply #29 on: March 13, 2018, 12:21:05 PM »
Fam,

I also have put the weight back on that I lost the first few months. So much emotional eating, but I do hope to get back into eating healthy soon. Love that you got your hair done - it makes such a difference, doesn't it?
Yes, you have been very upbeat and amazingly positive, and you will be again. Of course it is hard to actually see papers drawn up and signatures and such, but I have no doubt that you will be okay.
Your email exchange was perfect. Yes, you needed to point out that he is not the only one with pain and you did so gracefully and appropriately. Well done.
I cannot even tell you how many times I google, can midlife crisis affairs last and will your husband come back....lol...and while I realize nobody knows what will or will not happen in the future, sometimes I need to do silly stuff like that. If I would have a magic eight ball, I would ask it, too :)
Hugs my sweet friend
Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

 

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