Author Topic: My Story New Thread: He is deep in the tunnel but I'm getting stronger!  (Read 1538 times)

Online FamilyIsMyGoalTopic starter

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My Story Re: New Thread: He is deep in the tunnel but I'm getting stronger!
« Reply #70 on: April 11, 2018, 05:54:23 AM »
Thanks FN!

I am actually doing much better.  Surprised that even with a lot of chaos over the weekend, emails and such, I am still feeling pretty centered!  I have to say, one thing I'm really good at is reaching out for help when I need it.  Talked to my al-anon sponsor, my therapist and my lawyer.  And I feel pretty strong. 

And last week I noticed that the pit in my stomach that I've had since August 6, 2017 is actually starting to dissolve!  Wow!  I am really grateful for that.

So at least right now, the roller coaster is leveling out a bit, and I seem to be on one of the hills.  (Being of Irish background, I'm always afraid of jinxing it  ???)
Divorce Bomb August 6, 2017
Married 19 years
Together 22 years
Physically separated - he's 15 miles away
Two Teenage boys
Me: 54
H 58
OW? I don't know - probably plural

Online FamilyIsMyGoalTopic starter

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Re: New Thread: He is deep in the tunnel but I'm getting stronger!
« Reply #71 on: April 16, 2018, 06:06:22 AM »
I feel like I'm doing pretty well.  I had to see him twice this morning as we passed each other dropping off kids at school.  The familiarity/unfamiliarity is so weird, if you know what I mean.  I know his mannerisms better than my own.  But he is a stranger now.  I have no idea what he is doing where he is going, etc.

The mirror work that I have been doing, I think is finally kicking in.  I definitely feel more centered.  I am also focusing on the really great things about having the house to myself.  The gardening I can do, the freedom from judgement and criticism.  The money is going to be a lot tighter for me, but I find that I need much less to be happy.  I don't need so much to "get away".  My home is becoming MY castle.

I have been watching Mozart in the Jungle, which is super fun and one of the characters said "To grow old sucks, but to grow old alone is divine!"

I have to admit, I am starting to see that. 

My boys have expressed that the best thing for them is for STBXH to get along as friends.  Well I'm no where near that, but I hope to be someday. We are cordial but cold.  His monster is always lurking, but lately now that lawyers are involved, he seems to have it a bit more under control. 

I also want to say that I feel a bit guilty not posting on more people's threads! I want to support everyone, but I am also a little bit overwhelmed with all the changes I need to adjust to.  So I just want to send (((((HUGS))))) to ALL!
Divorce Bomb August 6, 2017
Married 19 years
Together 22 years
Physically separated - he's 15 miles away
Two Teenage boys
Me: 54
H 58
OW? I don't know - probably plural

Online FamilyIsMyGoalTopic starter

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Re: New Thread: He is deep in the tunnel but I'm getting stronger!
« Reply #72 on: April 16, 2018, 07:01:33 AM »
ok, well that was quick!

Just found my H on Match.com.  I saw a charge on a credit card for match so did some detective work.  "Don't go looking for trouble, because you will always find it."

He is listed as "divorced" which he is not.  A "moderate drinker" which he is not.  Makes $150,000k + which he doesn't - at least that's not what he is telling the lawyers. 

And, very funnily, he mentions in his description that he is "sane"  HA HA!  Totally not.  Well, I guess if he is in the market for female MLCers, then relatively speaking, maybe.

Also, it hurts that in his pictures, he's wearing all the clothes that I bought for him.

Divorce Bomb August 6, 2017
Married 19 years
Together 22 years
Physically separated - he's 15 miles away
Two Teenage boys
Me: 54
H 58
OW? I don't know - probably plural

Offline Schratz66

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Re: New Thread: He is deep in the tunnel but I'm getting stronger!
« Reply #73 on: April 16, 2018, 07:09:31 AM »
You sound amazing Fam. I love that you are enjoying 'your' home now and all the peace it brings.

And I do know what you mean by the familiar but unfamiliar. It's so surreal - these are people we've spend half our lives with and yet overnight they became strangers.
Cordial between you and H is as much as anybody can expect at this point and if you can be friends later down the line, great, but if you cannot, then that is okay. You just do what is best for you.

And please don't worry about posting on other people's threads - we do what we can and this does not need to become a 'have to' for you - we all understand that every one of us has a life and some times we have time and some times we don't.

I used to enjoy gardening, but it was something we did together, so now it has just become a necessary evil that always brings back nostalgic memories. Hopefully one day it will become enjoyable again.

Oops - just saw your next post - really, dude - Match.com - and all lies...wow - I would print that out that he is making 150 k and show it to my lawyer......I am sorry Fam, that has to cut through like a knife. Ugh - just when we think we are getting to be ok.


 


Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: New Thread: He is deep in the tunnel but I'm getting stronger!
« Reply #74 on: April 16, 2018, 05:20:57 PM »
ok, well that was quick!

Just found my H on Match.com.  I saw a charge on a credit card for match so did some detective work.  "Don't go looking for trouble, because you will always find it."

He is listed as "divorced" which he is not.  A "moderate drinker" which he is not.  Makes $150,000k + which he doesn't - at least that's not what he is telling the lawyers. 

And, very funnily, he mentions in his description that he is "sane"  HA HA!  Totally not.  Well, I guess if he is in the market for female MLCers, then relatively speaking, maybe.

Also, it hurts that in his pictures, he's wearing all the clothes that I bought for him.

And this is why I won't be looking on the internet for a date!    >:(

Sorry that you had to uncover this but I would certainly be printing that out for future reference in the event you need to use it. 

I am glad that you are in your house and that you are enjoying it.   

After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Online FamilyIsMyGoalTopic starter

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Re: New Thread: He is deep in the tunnel but I'm getting stronger!
« Reply #75 on: April 17, 2018, 06:08:20 AM »
Thanks Schratz and StillBaffled!

Surprisingly I feel ok.  Right after he BD'd me, I went into primal panic mode (as we all do). I had him up on such a high pedestal, I couldn't believe I lost the most amazing man in the universe.

Now that I've calmed down some and have had to interact with the real man, reality is setting in.  He is a good man at heart but really really crazy right now.  And seeing him lie on match, well that just lumps him into the category of all the MLCers on match who are confused and desperate enough to lie to get a date.

I am continuing to work on myself, and my life is pretty happy.  I have fantastic friends, a nice fun job and my boys and I are getting along better than ever.  I don't have to wake up to someone who is angry at me first thing in the morning, which is nice.

Schratz, I think that's why it's harder to have a vanisher because it's so easy to keep them up on the pedestal if you don't see or hear from them.

Divorce Bomb August 6, 2017
Married 19 years
Together 22 years
Physically separated - he's 15 miles away
Two Teenage boys
Me: 54
H 58
OW? I don't know - probably plural

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: New Thread: He is deep in the tunnel but I'm getting stronger!
« Reply #76 on: April 17, 2018, 06:33:17 AM »
He can post this as his Match.Com profile pic.....

Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer is initiating D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online FamilyIsMyGoalTopic starter

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Re: New Thread: He is deep in the tunnel but I'm getting stronger!
« Reply #77 on: April 17, 2018, 03:25:55 PM »
HaHa!!!  I love it UM! 

So there is more to the story...

Apparently on match, if you subscribe, you can see who has viewed you. My profile doesn't have a picture or anything and it's a free account.
I got a notification that my STBXH winked at me and messaged me!!!! omg... seriously you can't make this stuff up. (I can't read the message unless I pay for an account)

And while he is flirting with random women on match, he is monstering at me through email and text.  I truly have been fairly neutral and non reactive for the past year with only a couple of slip ups.  Today he sent me rageful emails and texts about changing the various accounts over like amazon and netflix, etc.  He was full on hate.  Like I was the most selfish person in the world.  Even though my lawyer told me not to change anything and to tell him that.  We signed a participation agreement where nothing would be changed until we reach a separation agreement.  But he is accusing me of just being selfish.  While ignorantly winking at my match profile.

Signed - Still living in Opposite World...
Divorce Bomb August 6, 2017
Married 19 years
Together 22 years
Physically separated - he's 15 miles away
Two Teenage boys
Me: 54
H 58
OW? I don't know - probably plural

Online FearNot

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Re: New Thread: He is deep in the tunnel but I'm getting stronger!
« Reply #78 on: April 17, 2018, 06:42:18 PM »
Holy Bananas! You have got to be kidding!

 UM must have gif for this!!!

I am so sorry Fam... this really is unreal... I am actually quite speechless! I can't imagine how this would feel. What a weird weird mix of things and how infuriating! Big Hugs!
M 46
H 39
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: New Thread: He is deep in the tunnel but I'm getting stronger!
« Reply #79 on: April 18, 2018, 04:39:04 AM »
Oooooooo...... My devious mind took over.......

Make a date with him on Match and then when he shows up, nail him to the wall.....



Yep, I'm going straight to Hades....
Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer is initiating D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

 

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