Author Topic: My Story The Heart Of The Matter  (Read 1984 times)

Offline FaithWalkerTopic starter

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My Story The Heart Of The Matter
« on: March 01, 2018, 10:36:36 PM »
Thread #9 brought to you by Don Henley:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p2JXAgZybOE


Quote
I got the call today that I didn't wanna hear
But I knew that it would come
An old, true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone
She said you'd found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck
 And the struggles we went through
 And how I lost me and you lost you

What are these voices outside love's open door
 Make us throw off our contentment
 And beg for something more?
I'm learning to live without you now
 But I miss you sometimes
 The more I know, the less I understand
 All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning again
I've been tryin' to get down
 To the heart of the matter but my will gets weak
 And my thoughts seem to scatter
 But I think it's about forgiveness, forgiveness
 Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

Ah, these times are so uncertain
There's a yearning undefined
And people filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age?
Ah, the trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness
 They're the very things we kill I guess
 Ohh, pride and competition cannot fill these empty arms
 And the work I put between us
 You know it doesn't keep me warm

I'm learning to live without you now
 But I miss you, baby
 And the more I know, the less I understand
 All the things I thought I'd figured out, I have to learn again
I've been trying to get down to the heart of the matter
 But everything changes and my friends seem to scatter
 But I think it's about forgiveness, forgiveness
 Even if, even if you don't love me anymore
There are people in your life who've come and gone
 They let you down, you know they hurt your pride
 You better put it all behind you baby, 'cause' life goes on
 If you keep carrying that anger, it'll eat you up inside, baby
I've been trying to get down to the heart of the matter
 But my will gets weak and my thoughts seem to scatter
 But I think it's about forgiveness, forgiveness
 Even if, even if you don't love me
I've been trying to get down to the heart of the matter
 Because the flesh will get weak and the ashes will scatter
 So I'm thinking about forgiveness, forgiveness
 Even if, even if you don't love me
Forgiveness
 (Yeah)
 Forgiveness
 (Baby)
 Forgiveness
 (Ohh)
 Forgiveness
 (Ahh, yeah)
 Forgiveness
 (Ohh)
 Forgiveness
 Even if, you don't love me anymore
 Forgiveness
 Forgiveness
 Forgiveness

Previous thread:  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9711.0
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9907.0#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #1 on: March 02, 2018, 12:08:17 AM »
If THAT is not a musical definition of an MLC, I don't know what is.... 
Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer is initiating D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online No expectations

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #2 on: March 02, 2018, 04:01:26 AM »
Hi Faith!
I hope you're not too sore and stiff from your fall.  It does take longer to bounce back as we get older, although you're still a baby here lol.

The Don Henley song sure did hit me.  I don't think I've ever really listened to the words of it, but how fitting.
Married 10 1/2 years, together 17.  BD 9/2016, 2nd BD 10/16.  H moved out 10/16.  2 AS's from my first M.  Me 55, H 49.  OW 23.

"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through; how you managed to survive.  You won't even be sure if the storm is really over.  But one thing is certain; when you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person that walked in...that's what this storm is all about."

"The trick is to enjoy life.  Don't wish away your days, waiting for better ones."

Offline Acorn

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #3 on: March 02, 2018, 04:14:08 AM »
Attaching, FW!
The world is full of MLCers.  Who knew?!

Are you feeling better now?  I hope so.
(((((HUGS))))))))
Feb 2015: H has a Nuclear meltdown.  A tear-fest.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Still home

Offline MyBrainIsBroken

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #4 on: March 02, 2018, 10:48:29 AM »
When I used the word "child" in your previous thread I was referring to the little girl. I would probably have written "young woman" if I were referring to you. :)

Offline FearNot

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #5 on: March 02, 2018, 11:42:31 AM »
Attaching FW! That song choice nails it!!! Well done! I've been thinking a lot about the forgiveness part of it. I feel like I've been able to do that to some extent. I came across this earlier in the week and it just said it so eloquently.

M 46
H 39
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline FaithWalkerTopic starter

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #6 on: March 02, 2018, 06:49:52 PM »
Welcome UM, NoEx, Acorn, Brain, and FN!

Still some soreness, but not too terrible, and not too sure all from my fall on Wednesday.  Thursday, our newest student had a terrible day, and I had to do a backwards carry hold with another teacher to get him to the Principal's office.  Practicing a backwards carry hold in our controlled training is a WHOLE lot different than doing it on a kicking, biting 4th grader!  So I came home sore yesterday, still.  Then today we went bowling with the kids because our swimming lessons were cancelled due to our adaptive P.E. staff being unavailable.  It was fun!  I would say that I am none the worse for wear from my fall.

When I used the word "child" in your previous thread I was referring to the little girl. I would probably have written "young woman" if I were referring to you. :)

I was just giving you a hard time, Brain.  ;)

Attaching FW! That song choice nails it!!! Well done! I've been thinking a lot about the forgiveness part of it. I feel like I've been able to do that to some extent. I came across this earlier in the week and it just said it so eloquently.



Wow, I love that FN!  Going to have to save that one.  I have a special photo album on Facebook, that is view-able to only me, and I screen shot things that speak to me and add them into that album.  I get all warm and fuzzy when they pop back up a year or two later on my FB memories!

Journaling
Last night was S12's music concert.  He played in Jazz band for one song and then they played 2 songs in concert band.  They all did fantastic.  S17 had to work, but D15 went with me.  I forgot to let my M know about it, but she's been to more than her share and I'll let her know about the last one in May.  Anyway, we saved seats and MLCers Aunt showed up first and sat by me.  D15 was on the other side of me.  Then MLCers B and SIL showed up.  This was their first concert and they enjoyed it immensely.  SIL sat next to Aunt and BIL sat above her on the bleacher so she could rest her back against his legs.  MIL, FIL and MLCer showed up together.  FIL sat next to BIL and MIL sat next to SIL with MLCer on the end of the bleacher.  When the concert was done, we were waiting for S12 to put away his instrument and come out to us, MLCer pulled me aside.  It was noisy in there, so I put my hand on his back and leaned in close.  He just wanted to tell me that he knew I was planning on getting the kids passports soon and offered to pay half.  I thanked him for that, as I planned on having to shell out the whole amount for those.  When S12 came out, SIL and BIL gave S12 a gift.  He loves it!  It's a coffee mug with a hashtag for a handle and came with a dry erase marker so that he can write his own messages on his cup.  Of course he had to open it and play with it on his way to the restaurant.  The first thing he wrote on it was "crap."  Typical middle schooler.  lol

It was almost 8:00p.m. by the time that we got done with the concert and SIL goes to bed early, so they bowed out of the dining plans.  We ran home on our way to see if S17 was back from work and picked him up to go with us.  We joined them at the restaurant and they were still waiting for a table.  FIL was sitting by himself on one of the benches, so I went and sat by him and visited with him.  When we got a table, the 3 kids crammed into the end of the booth so they could be together, D15 and S12 next to each other and S17 across from them.  MIL sat next to S17 and I ended up between S12 and FIL.  MLCer sat across from FIL, on the other side of Aunt who was next to MIL and across from me.  The kids have really just lightened up in their presence so much.  I think that they've gotten to a place where they realize that they can be themselves, and that MLCer and FIL are less demanding of them.  The kids were funny and making MIL and I laugh quite a bit.  Everyone was all interacting, except MLCer, he was sort of in his own zone at the end of the table.  I bet you couldn't guess what he was doing?  Yep, just pre-occupied with his phone.  FIL at one point asked him what he was doing and he said "just messing around."  At that point, he tucked it away for a while.

S17 was able to share his news with them about getting accepted into college, and we were chattering away about our Spring and Summer plans as MIL was quite interested to hear about our lives and what was going on.  She asked S17 what he would like for a graduation gift, and I think she is hoping that she will be able to snag the kids for a week this Summer. as she has in the past.  She hadn't heard that we were going on a cruise and was excited for us.  MIL and FIL bought our dinner and I thanked them profusely.  Got lots of hugs from FIL at the band concert and then again at the restaurant.  Gave them both a goodbye hug outside the restaurant as we were leaving too.  MLCer was halfway to his car by then.  No idea how he felt about the evening, but I feel that it's likely he feels an outsider now that we are more a family of "4" instead of 5.  I hate that, but I don't know how to make it any different.  We did not reject HIM.  'Twas our family of 5 that he rejected, so that is why everything is different.  At this point in the fog, it may not have even registered with him.

M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9907.0#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline Milly

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #7 on: March 03, 2018, 06:04:54 AM »
Faith, what a lovely night! How wonderful to watch your S12 in his band and to do so with a whole extended family to show their support. Yes, your MLCer would be feeling odd and left out. It is his fault. In the past I would be tempted to make him feel at ease, which would really be a way for them to get all the attention, like a little boy having a sulk. It's his loss. He needs to work it out himself. The best thing is that in spite of him acting all left out and 'playing' on his phone, you guys had a great time. That's all that matters.

And love that your S12 wrote Crap on his mug!
Millyxx
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D23, D20, S13
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline MyBrainIsBroken

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #8 on: March 03, 2018, 07:15:02 AM »
Hi Faith.

I hope you won't spend too much time feeling badly about your MLCer's experience at your son's concert. If he felt like an outsider, it's because right now he is. His MLC makes him feel like he is a different person. He doesn't feel like he's the husband and father that he used to be. He feels like he's a different person now. He's there because he realizes that he should be, but he's doing it because he feels like he's expected to be there. It's more of an obligation than something that he wants to do. That's why he seems disengaged.

In a way, his disconnection from his family and from your children is a good thing. It proves that this isn't about you. If it was, he would only be disconnected from you, not from everyone who used to be important to him. Just keep doing what you're doing. You're doing great!

Offline FaithWalkerTopic starter

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #9 on: March 04, 2018, 07:20:47 PM »
Hi Milly!  I sure got a kick out of S12.  I'm waiting to see what else he writes on that mug.  Should be interesting.

The best thing is that in spite of him acting all left out and 'playing' on his phone, you guys had a great time. That's all that matters.

Very true!  More times than not, we now have a great time together.  S17 must have been in a funny mood.  When I woke up the next morning, a bunch of my pictures and mirrors were slightly crooked.  I grumbled about S12 maybe being mad at me or his siblings because D15 and S17's pictures were crooked but his was not, so I thought, what on earth did we do?  LOL.  That evening, I asked S12 and D15 what happened to my pictures while S17 was at work and they told me that S17 did it to see how long it would take me to notice and because he was a brat, lol.  S12 had just fixed his picture before I got around to seeing it.

At the restaurant at one point, S12 and S17 were "shunning" D15.  It was very blatant, but funny!  They had their faces turned away from her, noses in the air and would not give her the time of day.  I asked what was up and they said "she doesn't like memes!"  The horror!  D15 got S12 to talk to her and then was all proud of herself because she broke his "shun".  When S12 realized his error he was flustered and tried to go back to it but D15 told him it was too late.

Hi Faith.

I hope you won't spend too much time feeling badly about your MLCer's experience at your son's concert. If he felt like an outsider, it's because right now he is. His MLC makes him feel like he is a different person. He doesn't feel like he's the husband and father that he used to be. He feels like he's a different person now. He's there because he realizes that he should be, but he's doing it because he feels like he's expected to be there. It's more of an obligation than something that he wants to do. That's why he seems disengaged.

Makes sense.  I forget that the MLCer is often in a different time/age set that skews their perception of reality.

In a way, his disconnection from his family and from your children is a good thing. It proves that this isn't about you. If it was, he would only be disconnected from you, not from everyone who used to be important to him. Just keep doing what you're doing. You're doing great!

Very true.  Thank you!

Journaling:
I'm sad that the weekend is over already, but thankful that it's a 4 day work week and then we are off for 10 days.  This weekend was nice and lowkey.  Saturday, D15 asked for my phone to call MIL as she was relaying some information from her cousin.  I told her that I didn't realize that they had stayed in town after S12's concert Thursday night and she said that MIL was helping Aunt paint in her house.  I asked her to see if MIL wanted us to drop off D's pictures, since I had forgotten them the night of the concert.  MIL and Aunt out were out shopping, so we ended up meeting them at a store so that we could give them their pictures I had of D15's school photos.  MIL mentioned that they had been staying with Aunt and not MLCer, but that they were staying with MLCer that night if I wanted to give her his photos also.

From there, D15 and I went out into the country for driving practice for a while (she did well) and then she had a friend over to spend the night. 

Today we went to Church and then came home and relaxed.  Her friend went to Church with us and went home about 4:30 today.  Other than that, laundry and dishes have been the main focal point of this weekend.  It's the never-ending chore(s) when there are 2 teenagers and an almost teenager in the house.

M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9907.0#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

 

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