Author Topic: My Story The Heart Of The Matter  (Read 2020 times)

Offline FaithWalkerTopic starter

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My Story The Heart Of The Matter
« on: March 01, 2018, 10:36:36 PM »
Thread #9 brought to you by Don Henley:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p2JXAgZybOE


Quote
I got the call today that I didn't wanna hear
But I knew that it would come
An old, true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone
She said you'd found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck
 And the struggles we went through
 And how I lost me and you lost you

What are these voices outside love's open door
 Make us throw off our contentment
 And beg for something more?
I'm learning to live without you now
 But I miss you sometimes
 The more I know, the less I understand
 All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning again
I've been tryin' to get down
 To the heart of the matter but my will gets weak
 And my thoughts seem to scatter
 But I think it's about forgiveness, forgiveness
 Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

Ah, these times are so uncertain
There's a yearning undefined
And people filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age?
Ah, the trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness
 They're the very things we kill I guess
 Ohh, pride and competition cannot fill these empty arms
 And the work I put between us
 You know it doesn't keep me warm

I'm learning to live without you now
 But I miss you, baby
 And the more I know, the less I understand
 All the things I thought I'd figured out, I have to learn again
I've been trying to get down to the heart of the matter
 But everything changes and my friends seem to scatter
 But I think it's about forgiveness, forgiveness
 Even if, even if you don't love me anymore
There are people in your life who've come and gone
 They let you down, you know they hurt your pride
 You better put it all behind you baby, 'cause' life goes on
 If you keep carrying that anger, it'll eat you up inside, baby
I've been trying to get down to the heart of the matter
 But my will gets weak and my thoughts seem to scatter
 But I think it's about forgiveness, forgiveness
 Even if, even if you don't love me
I've been trying to get down to the heart of the matter
 Because the flesh will get weak and the ashes will scatter
 So I'm thinking about forgiveness, forgiveness
 Even if, even if you don't love me
Forgiveness
 (Yeah)
 Forgiveness
 (Baby)
 Forgiveness
 (Ohh)
 Forgiveness
 (Ahh, yeah)
 Forgiveness
 (Ohh)
 Forgiveness
 Even if, you don't love me anymore
 Forgiveness
 Forgiveness
 Forgiveness

Previous thread:  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9711.0
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9907.0#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #1 on: March 02, 2018, 12:08:17 AM »
If THAT is not a musical definition of an MLC, I don't know what is.... 
Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer is initiating D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline No expectations

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #2 on: March 02, 2018, 04:01:26 AM »
Hi Faith!
I hope you're not too sore and stiff from your fall.  It does take longer to bounce back as we get older, although you're still a baby here lol.

The Don Henley song sure did hit me.  I don't think I've ever really listened to the words of it, but how fitting.
Married 10 1/2 years, together 17.  BD 9/2016, 2nd BD 10/16.  H moved out 10/16.  2 AS's from my first M.  Me 55, H 49.  OW 23.

"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through; how you managed to survive.  You won't even be sure if the storm is really over.  But one thing is certain; when you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person that walked in...that's what this storm is all about."

"The trick is to enjoy life.  Don't wish away your days, waiting for better ones."

Offline Acorn

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #3 on: March 02, 2018, 04:14:08 AM »
Attaching, FW!
The world is full of MLCers.  Who knew?!

Are you feeling better now?  I hope so.
(((((HUGS))))))))
Feb 2015: H has a Nuclear meltdown.  A tear-fest.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Still home

Offline MyBrainIsBroken

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #4 on: March 02, 2018, 10:48:29 AM »
When I used the word "child" in your previous thread I was referring to the little girl. I would probably have written "young woman" if I were referring to you. :)

Offline FearNot

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #5 on: March 02, 2018, 11:42:31 AM »
Attaching FW! That song choice nails it!!! Well done! I've been thinking a lot about the forgiveness part of it. I feel like I've been able to do that to some extent. I came across this earlier in the week and it just said it so eloquently.

M 46
H 39
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline FaithWalkerTopic starter

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #6 on: March 02, 2018, 06:49:52 PM »
Welcome UM, NoEx, Acorn, Brain, and FN!

Still some soreness, but not too terrible, and not too sure all from my fall on Wednesday.  Thursday, our newest student had a terrible day, and I had to do a backwards carry hold with another teacher to get him to the Principal's office.  Practicing a backwards carry hold in our controlled training is a WHOLE lot different than doing it on a kicking, biting 4th grader!  So I came home sore yesterday, still.  Then today we went bowling with the kids because our swimming lessons were cancelled due to our adaptive P.E. staff being unavailable.  It was fun!  I would say that I am none the worse for wear from my fall.

When I used the word "child" in your previous thread I was referring to the little girl. I would probably have written "young woman" if I were referring to you. :)

I was just giving you a hard time, Brain.  ;)

Attaching FW! That song choice nails it!!! Well done! I've been thinking a lot about the forgiveness part of it. I feel like I've been able to do that to some extent. I came across this earlier in the week and it just said it so eloquently.



Wow, I love that FN!  Going to have to save that one.  I have a special photo album on Facebook, that is view-able to only me, and I screen shot things that speak to me and add them into that album.  I get all warm and fuzzy when they pop back up a year or two later on my FB memories!

Journaling
Last night was S12's music concert.  He played in Jazz band for one song and then they played 2 songs in concert band.  They all did fantastic.  S17 had to work, but D15 went with me.  I forgot to let my M know about it, but she's been to more than her share and I'll let her know about the last one in May.  Anyway, we saved seats and MLCers Aunt showed up first and sat by me.  D15 was on the other side of me.  Then MLCers B and SIL showed up.  This was their first concert and they enjoyed it immensely.  SIL sat next to Aunt and BIL sat above her on the bleacher so she could rest her back against his legs.  MIL, FIL and MLCer showed up together.  FIL sat next to BIL and MIL sat next to SIL with MLCer on the end of the bleacher.  When the concert was done, we were waiting for S12 to put away his instrument and come out to us, MLCer pulled me aside.  It was noisy in there, so I put my hand on his back and leaned in close.  He just wanted to tell me that he knew I was planning on getting the kids passports soon and offered to pay half.  I thanked him for that, as I planned on having to shell out the whole amount for those.  When S12 came out, SIL and BIL gave S12 a gift.  He loves it!  It's a coffee mug with a hashtag for a handle and came with a dry erase marker so that he can write his own messages on his cup.  Of course he had to open it and play with it on his way to the restaurant.  The first thing he wrote on it was "crap."  Typical middle schooler.  lol

It was almost 8:00p.m. by the time that we got done with the concert and SIL goes to bed early, so they bowed out of the dining plans.  We ran home on our way to see if S17 was back from work and picked him up to go with us.  We joined them at the restaurant and they were still waiting for a table.  FIL was sitting by himself on one of the benches, so I went and sat by him and visited with him.  When we got a table, the 3 kids crammed into the end of the booth so they could be together, D15 and S12 next to each other and S17 across from them.  MIL sat next to S17 and I ended up between S12 and FIL.  MLCer sat across from FIL, on the other side of Aunt who was next to MIL and across from me.  The kids have really just lightened up in their presence so much.  I think that they've gotten to a place where they realize that they can be themselves, and that MLCer and FIL are less demanding of them.  The kids were funny and making MIL and I laugh quite a bit.  Everyone was all interacting, except MLCer, he was sort of in his own zone at the end of the table.  I bet you couldn't guess what he was doing?  Yep, just pre-occupied with his phone.  FIL at one point asked him what he was doing and he said "just messing around."  At that point, he tucked it away for a while.

S17 was able to share his news with them about getting accepted into college, and we were chattering away about our Spring and Summer plans as MIL was quite interested to hear about our lives and what was going on.  She asked S17 what he would like for a graduation gift, and I think she is hoping that she will be able to snag the kids for a week this Summer. as she has in the past.  She hadn't heard that we were going on a cruise and was excited for us.  MIL and FIL bought our dinner and I thanked them profusely.  Got lots of hugs from FIL at the band concert and then again at the restaurant.  Gave them both a goodbye hug outside the restaurant as we were leaving too.  MLCer was halfway to his car by then.  No idea how he felt about the evening, but I feel that it's likely he feels an outsider now that we are more a family of "4" instead of 5.  I hate that, but I don't know how to make it any different.  We did not reject HIM.  'Twas our family of 5 that he rejected, so that is why everything is different.  At this point in the fog, it may not have even registered with him.

M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9907.0#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline Milly

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #7 on: March 03, 2018, 06:04:54 AM »
Faith, what a lovely night! How wonderful to watch your S12 in his band and to do so with a whole extended family to show their support. Yes, your MLCer would be feeling odd and left out. It is his fault. In the past I would be tempted to make him feel at ease, which would really be a way for them to get all the attention, like a little boy having a sulk. It's his loss. He needs to work it out himself. The best thing is that in spite of him acting all left out and 'playing' on his phone, you guys had a great time. That's all that matters.

And love that your S12 wrote Crap on his mug!
Millyxx
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D23, D20, S13
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline MyBrainIsBroken

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #8 on: March 03, 2018, 07:15:02 AM »
Hi Faith.

I hope you won't spend too much time feeling badly about your MLCer's experience at your son's concert. If he felt like an outsider, it's because right now he is. His MLC makes him feel like he is a different person. He doesn't feel like he's the husband and father that he used to be. He feels like he's a different person now. He's there because he realizes that he should be, but he's doing it because he feels like he's expected to be there. It's more of an obligation than something that he wants to do. That's why he seems disengaged.

In a way, his disconnection from his family and from your children is a good thing. It proves that this isn't about you. If it was, he would only be disconnected from you, not from everyone who used to be important to him. Just keep doing what you're doing. You're doing great!

Offline FaithWalkerTopic starter

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #9 on: March 04, 2018, 07:20:47 PM »
Hi Milly!  I sure got a kick out of S12.  I'm waiting to see what else he writes on that mug.  Should be interesting.

The best thing is that in spite of him acting all left out and 'playing' on his phone, you guys had a great time. That's all that matters.

Very true!  More times than not, we now have a great time together.  S17 must have been in a funny mood.  When I woke up the next morning, a bunch of my pictures and mirrors were slightly crooked.  I grumbled about S12 maybe being mad at me or his siblings because D15 and S17's pictures were crooked but his was not, so I thought, what on earth did we do?  LOL.  That evening, I asked S12 and D15 what happened to my pictures while S17 was at work and they told me that S17 did it to see how long it would take me to notice and because he was a brat, lol.  S12 had just fixed his picture before I got around to seeing it.

At the restaurant at one point, S12 and S17 were "shunning" D15.  It was very blatant, but funny!  They had their faces turned away from her, noses in the air and would not give her the time of day.  I asked what was up and they said "she doesn't like memes!"  The horror!  D15 got S12 to talk to her and then was all proud of herself because she broke his "shun".  When S12 realized his error he was flustered and tried to go back to it but D15 told him it was too late.

Hi Faith.

I hope you won't spend too much time feeling badly about your MLCer's experience at your son's concert. If he felt like an outsider, it's because right now he is. His MLC makes him feel like he is a different person. He doesn't feel like he's the husband and father that he used to be. He feels like he's a different person now. He's there because he realizes that he should be, but he's doing it because he feels like he's expected to be there. It's more of an obligation than something that he wants to do. That's why he seems disengaged.

Makes sense.  I forget that the MLCer is often in a different time/age set that skews their perception of reality.

In a way, his disconnection from his family and from your children is a good thing. It proves that this isn't about you. If it was, he would only be disconnected from you, not from everyone who used to be important to him. Just keep doing what you're doing. You're doing great!

Very true.  Thank you!

Journaling:
I'm sad that the weekend is over already, but thankful that it's a 4 day work week and then we are off for 10 days.  This weekend was nice and lowkey.  Saturday, D15 asked for my phone to call MIL as she was relaying some information from her cousin.  I told her that I didn't realize that they had stayed in town after S12's concert Thursday night and she said that MIL was helping Aunt paint in her house.  I asked her to see if MIL wanted us to drop off D's pictures, since I had forgotten them the night of the concert.  MIL and Aunt out were out shopping, so we ended up meeting them at a store so that we could give them their pictures I had of D15's school photos.  MIL mentioned that they had been staying with Aunt and not MLCer, but that they were staying with MLCer that night if I wanted to give her his photos also.

From there, D15 and I went out into the country for driving practice for a while (she did well) and then she had a friend over to spend the night. 

Today we went to Church and then came home and relaxed.  Her friend went to Church with us and went home about 4:30 today.  Other than that, laundry and dishes have been the main focal point of this weekend.  It's the never-ending chore(s) when there are 2 teenagers and an almost teenager in the house.

M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9907.0#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #10 on: March 04, 2018, 07:41:16 PM »
Glad to hear you are mending from the fall.   I am also looking forward to spring break.  We have another storm hitting late tonight and tomorrow.  School is already cancelled for tomorrow. 

After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline FaithWalkerTopic starter

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #11 on: March 04, 2018, 08:38:00 PM »
SB sounds like you guys have had a lot more snow.  We've barely got anything this year.  We had a little snow storm this morning on our way to Church, but it melted off by this afternoon.  Stay safe and warm and enjoy your snow day!
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9907.0#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline FaithWalkerTopic starter

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #12 on: March 06, 2018, 06:39:21 PM »
This week has so far turned into a very, horrible, no good week.  Monday morning at 2:30 a.m. I woke up to D15 throwing up, and she didn't make it to the bathroom in time.  So, guess what I was doing at 2:30 in the morning?  You got that right.  Cleaning puke off her door, the hallway carpets and wall, and she even managed to get it into S17's clean laundry basket full of clothes that he'd left in the hallway.   :o  I don't have a great stomach for puke, but I held my breath and, although gagging, I managed to keep myself from throwing up.  After she got cleaned up and I got everything else cleaned up, she went back to bed and I threw my window wide open because I read somewhere that germs breed best in warm environments.  Thankfully, the rest of us have not got it, and hopefully it has passed.  She did stay home today as well, but just because she was still feeling a bit weak.

Today was a really bad day.  I can't get into details because this is a public forum, but I would say it's one of the worst days I've ever had.  Right up there with BD.  Although, BD might have had me more prepared for today than I would have been in the past.  Today, I would have loved to have had "my person".  I needed someone who was team Faith today.  Thankfully, my coworkers, my BF and my SIL were sympathizers.  Honestly, when all was said and done, and the day was over, it could have been much, much worse.  But I certainly wanted a do over today, so that things would have gone differently.  I'm traumatized, and I didn't need any more trauma.  I've had enough.

2 more days until 10 days off.  I'm counting down.  SIL says that Friday night she will have the hot tub and wine ready.  She offered for me to come tonight, but I told her that I would hold off until Friday.
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9907.0#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline FearNot

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #13 on: March 06, 2018, 07:20:21 PM »
FW-
I am sorry that today was a terrible day. I hope that you are ok. I wish I could grant you a do over! Hang in there. Thinking of you and keeping you in my prayers. I hope your D feels better soon, I too am one who can't handle vomit. Good on ya for cleaning it up without losing it yourself!! :o
M 46
H 39
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Online Treasur

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #14 on: March 06, 2018, 11:06:09 PM »
I'm sorry you had a bad day/week too, Faith. I get that feeling about 'Team Faith'....if it helps, we're all paid up members  :)
Big hug. Hope today is a good one x
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #15 on: March 07, 2018, 12:29:13 AM »
One of "those" days, huh? I'm sorry!  I think that, while we all have them once in a while, occasionally, one just takes a bigger whack at us.... But, it is over, you made it through...

Two things that wake me up faster than my alarm clock... the sound of a puking child and the sound of a puking dog... I hear you there... NO fun at all....

Wine and Hot Tub.. Now THAT sounds like a good plan and something to look forward to....
Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer is initiating D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online Whyus

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #16 on: March 07, 2018, 12:51:50 AM »
Im sorry that you had a rotten day FW. If you cant even write about it then it must have been hard.
Sending you strength from over the Pond, I hope that your ok. Your a lovely Person, just stay as you are.
Your Kids Sound awesome BUT they are old enough to help you around the house a Little... My S18 is the same, lazy but when I say "Do this, do that" he does it.. if I say nothing then he sees nothing! Typical for an 18 year old...

Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 44
W: 44
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28. Trainings partner. Still together
2 Sons - 18 & 19
2 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Filed
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0
T10. http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9547.0

Offline Acorn

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #17 on: March 07, 2018, 04:17:56 AM »
(((((((HUGS)))))))) first, FW...
It sounds like your day way too early and with so much to do.  I hope your D feels better.  Better out than in.  A lot of work for you to clean up all that mess but you did it like a champ.

With all the you went through today on top of the early morning drama, I’m relieved that you had some support from people around you.  Your SIL sounds like an angel... 

I hope you are feeling much better now.
Please let us know.
Feb 2015: H has a Nuclear meltdown.  A tear-fest.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Still home

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #18 on: March 07, 2018, 08:38:57 AM »
Oooooh rough start to the day. Well, one thing MLC has taught us is to adapt better right?  Anyway, glad that is behind you.

I'm loving the story about your S17 moving your pictures! LOL--that sounds like something my S would do.
Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Online Puzzled

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #19 on: March 07, 2018, 01:01:01 PM »
Dear Faith,

Sorry to hear that you had an awful day.  Including you in my prayers and sending hugs,

Puzzled
Me: 46 (43 at BD1)
H: 52 (48 at BD1)
D: 9 (6 at BD1)
Met in 1995, married since 2000
BD 1: August 2014
BD 2: October 2015, moved abroad

Offline FaithWalkerTopic starter

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #20 on: March 07, 2018, 02:34:05 PM »
Thank you all.  I cried myself to sleep last night.  It's been a while since that has happened.  The images in my head were just on replay, over and over.  I talked to my work today about some of the free counseling sessions that are offered through work.  We are offered 6 free.  I wish I could talk about it more here, but it is really too awful and there needs to be some legal protection in place.  I feel like a different person today than I did when I woke up yesterday.  I'm crying writing this.

Everyone that knows has really made me feel better, but it's again, one of those things where unless someone has been in your shoes, they have no idea what it is like, they can only imagine.  Ugh, I hate being so cryptic.

I really hope that it is all behind me, but I honestly have no idea if the nightmare is over.

Meanwhile...like MLC, I just plod on each day putting one foot in front of the other. 

Thank you all for the prayers and hugs.  You all feel like family to me.
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9907.0#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #21 on: March 07, 2018, 06:57:01 PM »
Whatever it is/was I am so sorry that you are traveling on that path right now, FW. 

Prayer and support for you. 
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Online Mortesbride

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #22 on: March 08, 2018, 05:27:23 AM »
Sorry to hear you are going through a rough patch. I hope you get all the support you need. :(

Offline Mitzpah

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #23 on: March 08, 2018, 03:03:47 PM »
I tried to post earlier but the site was playing up.

I hope that you get the help and support you need - lean on the Lord, He knows all things and heals all wounds if you just let Him.

Just to say that I am here and praying for you.
M 56
H 56
S 26
S 24
D 23
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Offline FaithWalkerTopic starter

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #24 on: March 08, 2018, 09:49:43 PM »
Thank you SB, MB and Mitzpah.  I appreciate that.  I was able to share with a couple of my Bible Study ladies tonight.  They helped me work through it some more.  As the week is coming to a close, it looks like everything is going to be okay.  Continued prayers would be lovely.  I seem to be the only one in the involvement that is having a tough time dealing with it.

I am now off for 10 days and hoping to get a lot done in the next few.  Oil change and tire rotation (possibly some new tires too) for my vehicle, then packing and getting ready to leave Monday for Vegas.  My mom is coming to stay with my animals and look after the house.
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9907.0#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #25 on: March 09, 2018, 01:13:58 PM »
Hi FW. Sorry you were going through all that. I’m happy to hear things are getting better tho. I know when I have a particularly bad day, and I want to vent/share, the first thought that comes to mind is, “I wish I could tell H this stuff.” Not sure if that is an issue for you but if it is, I get it. We all do.

Hugs and prayers to you my friend.
Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #26 on: March 13, 2018, 07:54:31 PM »
Faith, I am sorry I have been AWOL on you my friend. This D has been all consuming. During my absence I see you have had a fall and a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. I am so sorry. Sending you light and love to see you through to sunnier days. ((Hugs))
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #27 on: March 14, 2018, 02:35:56 AM »
FW,

Sometimes we are the dog, sometimes we are the fire hydrant....

I'm glad to hear that things are slowly getting better and the light at the tunnel, is indeed the end and not another oncoming train...

I hope that you enjoy your "mini-vacation!"
Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer is initiating D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline FaithWalkerTopic starter

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #28 on: March 16, 2018, 09:19:55 PM »
Hello all,

Back from vacation.  We had a wonderful time in Vegas, and a nice balance of activity mixed in with just enjoying the vacation timeshare together.  B and SIL basically had a separate apartment with an opening door between the two.  D15 and I shared a room and S12 and N13 shared the pull out couch.  B and SIL had a room and S17 and N17 shared a pull-out couch, which kept the B's on both sides from fighting all the time.  Win-win. 

After my family joined their family around 3pm Mon, we swam in the pools and then since it was my B's birthday and my S12 is soon to be S13, we went and had dinner and dessert at the Cheesecake Factory in Caeser's Palace.  We were able to catch a shuttle from our timeshare and walked around some shops at Harrah's and a bit on the strip after dinner, before we had to catch the last shuttle back to our timeshare at 10pm.  Which was great because I had been up late the night before last minute packing, plus the time change of Spring Forward and dragging the kids up and driving for 8 hours I was dusted and fell asleep fast.

Tue was the nicest day weather wise, so we drove out to Lake Meade and hiked the old railroad tunnels.  Pretty neat, but there was a sign that said not to hike Jun-Sep as the heat will kill you.  Then we drove up to the Hoover Dam.  The tour area was closed until tomorrow, and there were tons of people, so we just did a drive over, as the kids were all NOT wanting to get out of the car after we DRUG them on a hike.  Teenagers.   ::)  We drove back to Henderson and ate Five Guys Burgers and the boys got milkshakes.

Wed we used a groupon and played mini-golf (KISS themed - the rock band), followed by Pinball Hall of Fame for charity.  This guy opened a storefront with all these old pinball machines that take a quarter and he donates the money to the Salvation Army.  Talk about some nostalgia.  Pinball, Pac-Man, Punch-Out, Tetris, DK etc. etc.  We each got $5 in quarters and had a blast.  Then went to lunch at Raising Cane's (trying to choose places that we didn't have back home).  After we got back to the timeshare, SIL, D15 and I took off walking to the Miracle Mile shops and then ended up at the MGM where SIL and I had a groupon for gigantic Margarita's (I got Mango, she got Strawberry) and D15 had a Haagen-Daas Shake that looked divine.  Our "walk" lasted for 2 hours.  We cut through the MGM and jaywalked back to our timeshare, where SIL and I sat in the hot-tub with our fruity drink concoctions while waiting for Chinese Take-out to arrive.

Thu was kids choice day, and D15, S12 and N13 voted for an escape room, while S17 and N17 opted to do their own thing.  They lazed around the timeshare and then found their way to In-N-Out (which was the 2nd time to eat there as we had it on our drive out when we stopped in St. George.)  They talked about riding the New York Coaster, but changed their minds later.  The Escape Room was fun, and it redeemed a bit of my FOMO from last Summer when D15 and S12 went to Indiana with MLCer and GF and did an Escape Room.  My nephew did one in our town for a birthday party of a friend, but us 3 adults were noobs.  Turns out, the 6 of us make a good team.  The escape room scenario was called Double Crossed and we were hired by the warden to steal jewels, only he crossed us, put us in jail and hid the jewels in a safe in his office.  We started out with N13 handcuffed with one wrist to the wall and SIL, myself and D15 locked in one cell while S12 and B were in the other cell.  Using clues in the room we got nephew 13 to open the top locker, which held a key hidden in a bar of soap that unlocked our cell.  Using another clue, we freed the boys in the 2nd cell and more clues led us to a secret tunnel behind the sink in our cell, from there we had to use a toolbox of tools to figure out the code into the warden's office, the key to the toolbox was hidden in some pipes in the tunnel.  We had to arrange the tools just so to get the code for the lock and then the warden's office was a plethora of more clues to solve.  We escaped with 15 minutes to spare, but we ducked back in to solve the bonus puzzle, which was to get the jewels out of the safe.  It was a blast and I would do an Escape Room again!

Then we went to dinner at Ellis Island, where, while waiting for our table, SIL and I played slots for a bit.  I put in $5 and won $4 back by the time our table was ready.  That was the extent of my gambling in Vegas, ha!  Meanwhile, B was using his phone to play trivia with S12, N13 and D15 to entertain them while they waited.  We continued the game of trivia at the table and had a lot of fun.  I left SIL and B to gamble a bit on their own and the 3 kids and I walked back to our timeshare, where we met up with S17 and N17.  I ended the night with a glass of wine.

Today, we got up early and packed up and drove home, losing an hour of time with the change in time-zones on our way home.  Mom took good care of the pets while I was gone, except it looks like doggie's tear duct clogged and she must not have noticed as he needs groomed.   :-\  It looks red and a bit infected.  I cleaned it up, but might have to take him to the vet next week and get some eye medicine.  She was gone by the time we got home, to a funeral of her good school friend's husband and to spend time with her sister's in our home town 45 minutes away, but, it looks like the time between her leaving and our arrival wasn't too much that pupper couldn't hold his bladder, so that's good.  The rest of the weekend is catch up on laundry and re-coop time.

The vacation was MLC free, however, it did not stop me from thinking about H and MLCer.  Vegas was haunted by 2 trips that we took there, one with kids about 8 years ago and one without kids before that.  The escape room had me thinking of MLCer and last year's shenanigans in high replay.   :'(  And seeing the kids tagged in those pictures of him with someone else.  It still hurts.

On my way home, I had my 3rd encounter with a Covenant Truck.  For those who don't read Rejoice Marriage Ministries, I first heard about Covenant and Swift Trucks being used as a sign of hope for those standing for their marriage covenant (and that they will swiftly be brought home).  Where I live, I see Swift trucks all the time, and we all know that MLC (and Prodigals stopping running) doesn't always end Swiftly, so at the beginning of last Summer (or the Summer after the D, can't remember for sure) I was driving on the Interstate and saw a Swift truck.  I have NEVER seen a Covenant truck in our area.  I spoke out loud and said "Swift trucks don't really do it for me, God, but if I were to see a Covenant Truck, I would take that as a sign that I should continue to stand for my marriage."  Within about a minute, much to my surprise, a Covenant truck drove by.

Then last July when I was driving with SIL to get D15 and S12 from the airport, and SIL dropped the huge bomb about seeing that MLCer was engaged on FB, I was very quiet, but in my mind I was just in super shock and began to doubt that I had been called to stand.  Immediately after the doubt flickered through my mind, I look over and here comes a Covenant Transport truck.  Peace in that reassurance flooded over me (even though I still struggle with doubt sometimes, despite all the signs I've been given.)  God just knocks me upside the head with another one.  Anyway, we were leaving Vegas, and I look up to see that an exit is titled with MLCer's name.  Oh, lovely, there is a road with his name on it outside of Vegas.  Immediately I am flooded with thoughts of him (not that he is very far from my mind anyway), and like a flashing neon sign, here comes my 3rd Covenant Transport truck.  Then about a mile down the road, here comes another one, being tail-gated by a truck with H's family name on it!  Now, these could just be coincidences, but I think they are God-incidences.  Call me crazy if you'd like.  I wonder, have you had anything through your journey that seemed like God-incidences?  If you have followed me from the beginning, I've talked about some other's that have happened to me as well.  Today had me laughing and shaking my head.  Now if I could actually see some manifestation of my promises, that would be nice.

Oh, I forgot to mention, MLCer baked muffins and had a bag of them for me to take on our trip when I picked up the kids on Sunday night.  I thought that was very sweet.  What I wanted to say was that we would miss him (H, not MLCer) and wished that he wouldn't have blown things up so that we could all be going on this trip together. 

Not a peep from MLCer after Sunday, but MIL texted to tell us to have a good trip and safe drive.  I texted her a courtesy "we made it to...," and she has been liking our posts on FB.  She texted again today to ask when we were heading home and to tell us to have a safe drive home.  I again gave her a courtesy "we arrived home safely."
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9907.0#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline Strongcurrent

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #29 on: March 17, 2018, 02:45:54 AM »
Hi FW

Lovely reading along your vacation in las Vegas.

I had to smile , ExH and I were married in Vegas nearly 20 years ago and we were on a roadie - it was a 14 hour day to get there and we were both tired but remember looking up on the way into Vegas and saw my ExH name on an exit sign and then followed by name on the next exit sign ... Wonder if they are the same ones you were talking about ??

Take care
Sc x

Offline No expectations

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #30 on: March 17, 2018, 03:36:14 AM »
Faith,

Just caught up with you!  I'm so very sorry that you had such trauma.  I hope you've been able to work it through and make peace with it, my friend.  Yes, we all miss "our person" when things like that happen.  We miss having the person to help us know it will all be okay.  I'm glad you had your Church friends to help.

Sounds like your vacation was awesome, and just when you really needed it!  I'm still contemplating a trip to Vegas this year, but so much is up in the air with Mom at this point.  It's been a long time since I've been there, and it's a lot of fun.  Like you, I'm not much of a gambler, but there's so much to do in Vegas without having to gamble  :D

As for the Covenant Trucks, I'll have to google that.  I've never heard of them.  But I fully believe in signs from above.  And it seems to me to be loud and clear.

Big hugs to you, Faith. 
Married 10 1/2 years, together 17.  BD 9/2016, 2nd BD 10/16.  H moved out 10/16.  2 AS's from my first M.  Me 55, H 49.  OW 23.

"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through; how you managed to survive.  You won't even be sure if the storm is really over.  But one thing is certain; when you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person that walked in...that's what this storm is all about."

"The trick is to enjoy life.  Don't wish away your days, waiting for better ones."

Offline Kitty

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #31 on: March 17, 2018, 06:20:46 AM »
Attaching FW. It's good to see you were able to have a great vacation after a terrible time the week before.
Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 11.5
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 - Legal separation signed, and I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Offline Acorn

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #32 on: March 17, 2018, 06:24:16 AM »
Hi FW, I’m so happy for you that you had a blast in Vegas.  That Escape Room sounds so much fun!  I wonder what would happen if you put a bunch of MLCers in there...  An interesting visual.  We could make a reality TV show out of it!

Though some sadness was mixed through your holiday experience, it was a really positve family occasion.  I’m glad you had this opportunity to make some more positive memory.

As for God giving you signs, yes, I absolutely believe it!  We may not see them as signs until much later once our hindsight gets switched on.  Of course, we can write them off as coincidents.  I believe that for us to see them as ‘signs’ depends on our mindset.  We can either dismiss them or embrace them as encouragement.   Which one do you choose?  I prefer to choose the latter.

(((((((((HUGS)))))))))
« Last Edit: March 17, 2018, 06:32:34 AM by Acorn »
Feb 2015: H has a Nuclear meltdown.  A tear-fest.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Still home

Offline FaithWalkerTopic starter

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #33 on: March 17, 2018, 04:04:25 PM »
Hi FW

Lovely reading along your vacation in las Vegas.

I had to smile , ExH and I were married in Vegas nearly 20 years ago and we were on a roadie - it was a 14 hour day to get there and we were both tired but remember looking up on the way into Vegas and saw my ExH name on an exit sign and then followed by name on the next exit sign ... Wonder if they are the same ones you were talking about ??

Take care
Sc x

Wow, SC, wouldn't that be something?!?

Faith,

Just caught up with you!  I'm so very sorry that you had such trauma.  I hope you've been able to work it through and make peace with it, my friend.  Yes, we all miss "our person" when things like that happen.  We miss having the person to help us know it will all be okay.  I'm glad you had your Church friends to help.

Sounds like your vacation was awesome, and just when you really needed it!  I'm still contemplating a trip to Vegas this year, but so much is up in the air with Mom at this point.  It's been a long time since I've been there, and it's a lot of fun.  Like you, I'm not much of a gambler, but there's so much to do in Vegas without having to gamble  :D

As for the Covenant Trucks, I'll have to google that.  I've never heard of them.  But I fully believe in signs from above.  And it seems to me to be loud and clear.

Big hugs to you, Faith. 

Thank you NoEx.  Covenant Trucks are just some sort of transport semi.  I'm not sure where they got their name, but Standers all over have started to claim them as a sign of hope for the covenant marriage we made before God.

Attaching FW. It's good to see you were able to have a great vacation after a terrible time the week before.

Thank you Kitty.

Hi FW, I’m so happy for you that you had a blast in Vegas.  That Escape Room sounds so much fun!  I wonder what would happen if you put a bunch of MLCers in there...  An interesting visual.  We could make a reality TV show out of it!

Though some sadness was mixed through your holiday experience, it was a really positve family occasion.  I’m glad you had this opportunity to make some more positive memory.

As for God giving you signs, yes, I absolutely believe it!  We may not see them as signs until much later once our hindsight gets switched on.  Of course, we can write them off as coincidents.  I believe that for us to see them as ‘signs’ depends on our mindset.  We can either dismiss them or embrace them as encouragement.   Which one do you choose?  I prefer to choose the latter.

(((((((((HUGS)))))))))

Yes Acorn, I wonder how MLC would get on?  Probably this sort of puzzle wouldn't phase them since it's just a game. 

Yes, I think you are right about the signs and mindset.  I also prefer to embrace them as encouragement.

I also know that He was watching over me last week, as things could have been much worse than they were.  I feel like I would probably be okay sharing here, but it's a long story and will take me a bit to share it.  It's a part of me now, but so is the rest of my story here for all to see.  The positive friendship that I have gotten from here, and the feeling of support has been overwhelming.
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9907.0#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #34 on: March 17, 2018, 09:51:58 PM »
So glad you had a nice time in Vegas with family, FW.

We did an escape room in Portland last October.  There were five of us and we loved it!  I would most certainly do it again. 

I've not seen a Covenant truck but I'll pay more attention to those semis now.   ;)
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline FaithWalkerTopic starter

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #35 on: March 18, 2018, 08:52:23 AM »
D15 is excited to find more escape rooms to do.  I'll have to look into that groupon app that my SIL had, it made things more affordable for sure.

Well, today is our last day of break.  We will be sad to see it go.  This week is going to take some maneuvering to get kids where they need to go, as S17's car is having trouble, again.  Hopefully his Dad has a chance to look at it with him this week and hopefully it's not a big fix, otherwise it might be time to find him a different vehicle.  Always seems to be something. 
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9907.0#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline FearNot

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #36 on: March 18, 2018, 06:52:57 PM »
FW,

Thank you for sharing your holiday! I've always wanted to try an Escape Room! Sounds like it was a good time and much needed break from MLC.

As for the signs from above, I believe in it. I'm starting to realize that the "little coincidences" aren't that at all  ;). My daily devotional that I read the other day spoke about how we need to keep our "antennae up" so that we recognize even the smallest sign that God is sending! I wish I could grow multiple antennas!! I've had some signs on my journey, just took me awhile to realize what they were. I've love to read/ listen to the testimonies about the Covenant trucks! We don't have them where I am, but I know He has other ways of letting me know. Big Hugs!!
M 46
H 39
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #37 on: March 18, 2018, 08:07:40 PM »
Sounds like a wonderful vacation!!
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline FaithWalkerTopic starter

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #38 on: March 19, 2018, 05:36:34 PM »
Dear Hero Spouse Family,

Tomorrow marks 2 weeks since my horrible, no good, very bad day.

On that day, I hit a kid with my car.  He is okay, but I am still struggling.

I think I might've hit a bird once.  I found a dead hummingbird in my windshield wiper and I cried.

Anyway, it happened as I was driving S12 to school.  The sun was in that very bad place in the sky and I never saw him.  I was making a right hand turn on a green light and he was crossing the street (later he said he was running in the crosswalk - which he had every right to be in).  Technically, he hit me as I hit him, but the moment that he impacted on the driver's side panel of my vehicle, my world turned upside down.  There is that moment of realization that you just hit a person, and then the 10-30 seconds of excruciating agony as you stop your car and get out, not knowing what you are going to find.  Tears are streaming down my face as I relive it.  I could have killed him.  D15 says that "what if's are stupid" and that I need to stop.

I ran to him and he was sitting on the curb.  He kept reiterating that he was okay, but I got on my knees in front of him and kept checking him over.  He had a small scratch on his right wrist and some road rash on his left arm.

The comical part now (I sort of stood there in shock at the time) was that S12 rolled down his window and looked at this kid sitting on the edge of the curb and nonchalantly says "Oh, hey _____.  Who equally as nonchalantly said in return.  "Oh hey S12!"  I was a bit dumbfounded, like they were shooting the breeze on the playground.  Anyway, he gets up to finish his walk to school and I just stare at him in shock, like "Hello, I JUST HIT YOU WITH MY CAR!"  Instead, I told him that I was a teacher and that he might be having an adrenaline rush and that I really need to get him checked over or I won't be able to rest and I want to do the right thing.  I point to S12 and said "You know S12" and told him that if he trusted me, I would like to give him a ride the rest of the way to school.  S12 took off when we got there, as the bell was going to ring, and I escorted the kid into the office and let administration know what happened and that he really should see the nurse.  We went to the nurse's office together.  I immediately recognized her as she was the nurse at S17 and D15's elementary school when I was a volunteer/sub there and she recognized me.  She took over checking him over and the assistant principal came in and introduced himself.  At that point, I sort of came out of mom mode and began to fall apart from the shock and the adrenaline.  The VP says that someone behind us called 911 and I believe my response was "oh, good, that's good."  My priority was really just to make sure that he was safe and okay, and I was prepared for whatever consequences came.  I felt that I deserved whatever was in store.  VP took a copy of my DL, which I readily cooperated and handed over.  911 spoke to admin and decided to have the school resource officer come meet with me.  At this point, his mom was called and panicked (as would I have!  I have put myself in her shoes a dozen times) and decided to come to the school to see him.  At this point admin decided to remove me to another room, which was their decision and choice to make, but I feel in some ways his mom was cheated of hearing things from me.  Believe me, anything she could have said could not have been worse than what I was already telling myself.  I hate confrontation, but maybe it would have helped us both, I don't know?  Anyway, they knew where I worked and they decided to have me leave instead, and said that the resource officer would come get a statement from me later.

I did have to go in to work that day as we had a sub para and a sub teacher and things were going to be crazy, but it was a pretty rough day.  My coworkers really wrapped themselves around me and gave me some time to take a break when I needed it.  I would randomly "flood" throughout the day.  Our administration was out for the day, so I left the details with the secretary and let her know that at some point an officer would be calling or coming by.

Mid-afternoon, two officer's came by and got my statement, and went out to my car and got my info and checked out the side panel, which was not damaged in any way.

When I got home, I checked in on S12, I wanted to know that he was okay, as I was worried that he had a bit of trauma from the incident as well, but he was like "Mom...stop...you were going like 5 miles an hour."  I told him that he didn't understand what it felt like to be in that position and that I was glad that he wasn't experiencing any trauma from it.  I asked him how his friend was and he said "He's fine.  He stayed at school all day."

I checked in with S12 again at the end of the week and he said that the kid was fine and that they will probably laugh about it someday.  You remember the time your mom hit me with her car?

I'm still trying to work through it.  These types of things just change you.  I remember waking up the next day thinking, "yesterday, I was a person who had never hit anyone with her car, today I am not that person."  And I remember telling everyone including the officer's "my job is to protect kids, not to cause harm to them."

The report was made as an "incident report."  Surprisingly, I didn't get a ticket, which I fully feel like I should have at least gotten a failure to yield or something.  And I felt like I left the scene but a fellow teacher helped me to realize that my "scene" was leaving the scene.  My scene was the student, who was fully preparing to walk away.  I'm struggling with not getting a ticket.  And there is always this fear that it hasn't gone away, and that the parents will seek legal recompense and that as a single mom I will be bereft with no way of taking care of my kids.  But, those thoughts don't come near to the feeling's that I have of the actual incident.  I can't get the trauma, the sound of him hitting my car out of my head.  The horror as it washed over me of knowing that I hit a kid.  It's almost too much to bear.  That's just who I am and I carry it with me.

That's why I said that I felt it was worse than BD.  Because I feel directly responsible for this.  I know I need to work through this, but I'm still walking this out.

I have relived it in waking and sleeping moments.  There is a student, a 5th grader at school that reminds me of the kid, and every time I see him in the halls, it comes back to me.  It's not something easily pushed to the back of my mind.

Driving is even different now.  I'm almost hyper-aware and I get really shaky when I drive near schools and crossings, and that is something I have to do multiple times a day.  What I have realized is that it could have happened to anyone, it was just a really bad timing with the sun and a car going straight that was blocking him from view (and I was blocked from his view as he was flying through the crosswalk with his hoodie up about his face).  I see pedestrians all the time.  It was a fluke.  I have driven that route at that same time 100 times this year, and over 160 times last year.  But it still doesn't ease my trauma.

Any suggestions on how to heal from this?  I guess it's probably some of the same steps I've used to to work through this MLC process.  And I know that I need to start by forgiving myself.  I'm human.  And humans make errors.

Thank you for listening my HS family.  I could not bring myself to post about it.  My struggle.  Probably some shame.  And then worried that what I posted might be found and be used against me somehow.  I hope not, but I realize that the need for support, as I carry this with me, is necessary from my LBS friends/family.
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9907.0#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #39 on: March 19, 2018, 06:03:30 PM »
Oh man, FW, I am so sorry that this accident happened. 

It sounds like you are suffering some PTSD.  Certainly understandable.  Have you been able to talk to an IC or your Pastor?  Do you have counselors at the school you work at that you could talk to? 

I hope you can get over the feeling you have that you deserve to have a ticket over this accident.  If law enforcement has taken statements and determined that you are not at fault and no citation is required I hope that you can accept that and get past that thought. 

I guess I would tell you that time will help with the healing and moving forward from this as well.  Sending support and cyber hugs, FW. 
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline FearNot

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #40 on: March 19, 2018, 07:51:23 PM »
FW,

 I am so sorry that you had this experience. I can't even imagine how that must've felt.  The shame and guilt that we pile on ourselves is immeasurable sometimes. I don't have any great words of wisdom, but please know that you will be in prayers, asking God to help you heal from this experience, give you strength, peace and guidance.
M 46
H 39
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline No expectations

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #41 on: March 19, 2018, 08:05:53 PM »
Faith,

God will heal you.  Just give it time and patience,  and of course prayers.  I'm so sorry you went through this.  I'm so glad the boy is okay.
Married 10 1/2 years, together 17.  BD 9/2016, 2nd BD 10/16.  H moved out 10/16.  2 AS's from my first M.  Me 55, H 49.  OW 23.

"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through; how you managed to survive.  You won't even be sure if the storm is really over.  But one thing is certain; when you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person that walked in...that's what this storm is all about."

"The trick is to enjoy life.  Don't wish away your days, waiting for better ones."

Offline Milly

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #42 on: March 20, 2018, 01:00:02 AM »
Faith, I'm so sorry. Accidents happen even to good people. But I imagine it's not even about fault, because it was no one's fault or both of your fault, it's that in spite of the kid being ok you carry this incredible guilt or judgement of yourself that you should have done better, that in spite of you doing everything right and trying really hard to make everything work for you and for your kids these past few years, stuff as bad as BD can still happen to you.

I guess you must be back to that hyper awareness time of after BD when our lives fell apart and we would never have expected our Hs to do this to our families and yet he did, so what else is going to happen? I think it unnerved you, put you back to expecting the unexpected. You're on guard and don't know how to protect yourself and your kids.

If it were me I would be speaking to my IC about it. If you don't have one, a counselor at the school. I do think like Noe said, you just need time to accept what happened. And after the incident, you did everything right, absolutely everything that you could do. Look, even his mom left him at school all day.

Talk it out with us here. I sincerely hope that this incident is over at this point, but if it's not, you will be able to handle it. I promise you, it's not as bad as BD. You were driving very slowly as is correct in these circumstances and this is why the kid is fine.  Accidents are going to happen, we can only live our lives correctly so that the damage is reduced. The rest we have no control over.

Take care Faith. I really feel your pain over this. xxx
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D23, D20, S13
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline Mitzpah

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #43 on: March 20, 2018, 04:53:43 AM »
Faithwalker,

I am so sorry you had this happen. It must be gut wrenching. May our Lord cover you with his wings and comfort you.

I am so happy the boy was ok and I agree, don't worry about not having had a citation - the officers know what they are doing and I am sure that they did not see the need.

Yes, the shaky feeling... I remember having an accident where I was at fault (I didn't see the other car and I hit the rear end of it as it crossed over in front of me) and for a few years after that, I would be rather shaky driving past that spot - it takes a while to regain confidence.

I hope you are feeling a little better today.
M 56
H 56
S 26
S 24
D 23
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Offline Acorn

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #44 on: March 20, 2018, 05:07:02 AM »
Oh, Faith...  I’m not surprised that you feel the way you do after such an incident.
(((((((HUGS)))))))))
I’m relieved that you decided to share the story because it could be one of the first steps in healing.  Just writing down your experience is kind of purging, right?

Lean on the Lord and he will surround you with his love and grace...
Hope you can find someone to talk through the emotional shake up you are still going through.   Maybe your pastor or a sage person in your church?

Wishing you peace...
Feb 2015: H has a Nuclear meltdown.  A tear-fest.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Still home

Online Puzzled

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #45 on: March 20, 2018, 09:17:03 AM »
Oh, Faith, I'm so sorry you had this terrible experience!!  Driving around those powerful machines is so dangerous; I sometimes feel relieved when I can get out of the car and no accident happened.

Thank God, the boy was not hurt!  Sometimes, D9 and I talk about guardian angels and we make up stories about how busy her guardian angel sometimes is to keep her safe (the scenes we're conjuring up can get a bit silly and slap-stick...).  I think the boy's guardian angel worked really hard to prevent a collision and nearly succeeded.  While the hit could not be completely prevented, the boy was not injured, at all!  I'm so glad that this was the outcome and feel that there may have been some higher powers involved.

Hopefully, the boy's parents won't consider any legal steps but IF they do, I like what Milly said: You will be able to handle it.  What matters most: The boy is unharmed.

Lots of hugs to you!!
Me: 46 (43 at BD1)
H: 52 (48 at BD1)
D: 9 (6 at BD1)
Met in 1995, married since 2000
BD 1: August 2014
BD 2: October 2015, moved abroad

Offline Kitty

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #46 on: March 20, 2018, 09:35:05 AM »
Wow, Faith. I'm so glad the boy is okay. I think the fact that his mom left him in school is a good sign. As hard as it may be to do, don't beat yourself up over this. Find someone to talk to, and vent as much as you need to. Sending cyber ((Hugs)) to you.
Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 11.5
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 - Legal separation signed, and I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Offline FaithWalkerTopic starter

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #47 on: March 20, 2018, 04:13:04 PM »
Thank you SB, FN, NoEx, Milly, Mitzpah, Acorn, Puzzled and Kitty.

What you all say makes a lot of sense.

I don't have an IC, but we do get 6 free sessions of counseling through the school district, so I might look into that.

I definitely felt that divine intervention, and continue to thank God that we were both protected.

Journaling:

S17's car is broken down, so today I left my car for him to use, since on Tue and Thu's his schedule is split by leaving school at 9:30 and then having to be back at school around 1.  A co-worker was kind enough to pick me up and take me to work and S17 came and got me after work.  I seem to be fighting all sorts of adulting chaos lately, as the dryer broke down just after I finished drying my load of vacation clothes Sunday night, so my mom came over today to let the dryer repairman in and finish writing out the check I left to pay him with.  Thankfully, it wasn't anything major, and just a small amount in parts to replace plus the service fee.  Definitely lower than what I had in mind that I might need to pay.

Last night, D15 was getting ice cream and started screaming from the kitchen saying that there were flying ants everywhere.  Sure enough, they were dive bombing the kitchen light above the table and the cat was on the floor having a blast jumping up to catch them.  The only thing I can think of is that they flew through the grate in our furnace/hot water heater under stair space, but last year we never had any flying ants, just sugar ants, which I had set out traps for.  So, now pest control is coming on Thursday.  The nice lady on the phone said that it's probably the sugar ants now fully mature and there is most likely a colony underneath our slab.  They like dark, moist places.  Lovely.  Ugh, ugh, ugh.

Can I go back to Las Vegas now? 
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9907.0#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #48 on: March 20, 2018, 08:56:35 PM »
Oh wow Faith, I just saw your story. That is my greatest fear when I am at drop off for S11. It does sound like you are still dealing with a little PTSD from that. I think I would too--I totally get that!

Ummmmm flying ants? Oh he!! no!  And Las Vegas? Yes please. One of my fav places to go.
Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Online Treasur

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #49 on: March 21, 2018, 01:40:34 AM »
Dearest Faith, I'm so pleased you felt you could trust your HS family to share this here and I hope it is part of the healing. I remember when I was learning to drive a kid ran out in front of my car as I was slowing down approaching a roundabout (very slow as I was a learner LOL). Thank God he was ok...but over 35 years later, I can still remember it. It was an accident, a confluence of factors, you did the right thing and thank God all of you were physically unharmed...that's the most important thing.

BD and MLC chaos does leave most of us with a kind of PTSD and thin skin, I think, so talking to an IC sounds really wise if you can. A little loving sunlight on the scary things can make all the difference in the world.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #50 on: March 21, 2018, 02:01:51 AM »
Faith,

I have been lucky so far (in the truest sense of the word) because the kids at S's school are real daredevils and think they are invincible. Bikes with no lights, in the dark, with dark clothes, running lights and everything else but I know exactly what you mean... There is that "Hyper-alert" mode that gets clicked on when I have to drop him off and D is not with us. When she's with us, I drop him in a different place that is not so chaotic.  But, you did all the right things and he seems to be OK.... Forgiving yourself for being human and not being perfect seems to be the order of the day here....

As for flying ants... uhmmmmmm ... No thanks.... As long as they aren't termites or wood ants, but still... just .... yuck!
Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer is initiating D

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline No expectations

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #51 on: March 21, 2018, 03:14:33 AM »
Oh Faith,

You've had so much on your plate this week.  I sure hope you get a break from all this stress and adulting soon!

Funny, I was just thinking how fun it would be to have an LBS weekend in Vegas!
Married 10 1/2 years, together 17.  BD 9/2016, 2nd BD 10/16.  H moved out 10/16.  2 AS's from my first M.  Me 55, H 49.  OW 23.

"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through; how you managed to survive.  You won't even be sure if the storm is really over.  But one thing is certain; when you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person that walked in...that's what this storm is all about."

"The trick is to enjoy life.  Don't wish away your days, waiting for better ones."

Offline FaithWalkerTopic starter

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #52 on: March 26, 2018, 05:41:09 PM »
Hey guys, I'm doing good.  I seem to be bouncing back each day.  Dryer is fixed, ants are gone so far (hopefully they took the bait deep down with them if there were any crawling ones to take the bait, but if not they'll come back out and put more bait down later if needed), and S17's car...embarrassingly enough, was just out of gas, THAT'S why it was shaking and sputtering.  Oh son.  I guess I should have gone out and started the car myself, but not being a mechanic, I didn't think anything of it.  He didn't recognize it since the last time he ran out of gas it had already died when he realized and he still had 20 miles left to go before he filled it up.  (His gas gauge is broken so we have given him a number to fill it up at.)  I think he probably started it up and let it idle and forgot to account for that in his numbers in his head.  Anyway, he's kicking himself after a week and a half without his car.  Don't worry, I'm not kicking him too!   ;D

In other news, my friend (who has been a friend since we were teenagers - we dated like a month either my Junior or Senior year - no free milk was given away  :P) has come into town and invited me to coffee.  At first I was like, okay sure we can go to coffee, but we haven't pinned down a date and now I am having reservations about it.  S17 says go.  Some of my other friends say go, it's just coffee.  Some of my solid standing friends say no, that if I am truly standing for my marriage, that it sends the wrong message and that I shouldn't even have friends of the opposite sex.

Maybe my confusion should be answer enough, but I don't know.  This weekend I had a women's conference that I went to, and it was really, really, really good.  It was Friday night and all day Saturday, and I actually stepped out and shared my stand with some other women, and I know, that I know, that I know my path (and I have shared this with this particular friend - so he knows that I wear my wedding ring, and that I am standing as well, but he keeps reaching out to me.  He messaged me a couple months after the D was final, just asking how I am doing and not much more than that.  Then on my birthday last year (almost a year later) he messaged me again.  Meanwhile, on my birthday, my H was in Missouri being introduced to his GF's mother).  A few days later, he messaged me from a local baseball game.  He got a little flirty, but backed right off when I told him to stop and about how I wasn't really single as I am standing for my marriage.  He was very respectful and also a bit in awe of that.  He checked up on me a little bit through the summer, and never got flirty again, but mourned with me when I told him that my H moved to Indiana (still didn't flirt with me) and rejoiced with me when I told him that my H had moved back.  He was pretty quiet over Fall (we are FB friends) and then messaged me in February when he'd heard I'd been over to Denver and didn't stop over at Co Spgs and see him.  I told him that I would say hello sometime this Summer when I was over that way with my paddle boards and visiting friends there.

Anyway, some of my standing friends say to block him.  And de-friend him.  I don't feel like he has done anything to warrant that, but they say that's how emotional affairs start and made me feel crummy that I have no business even talking to him at all.

So.  That's how my week has gone so far.  As far as my H goes, when he comes to my house, I freeze up, like big time.  I feel intimidated and freaked out and I just want him to leave with the kids as quick as possible.  I breathe a sigh of relief when he goes, and then get sad because that's not how I want to act around him at all.  When I pick up the kids at his house, it's a different story.  I can chat with him and be easy breezy and everything.  It's odd.  I don't think my soul recognizes him as my H right now, not yet, though.  He's still in crisis.

Gotta go, meeting to go to.  Talk with you all later.  Loved to have you weigh in.
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9907.0#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline xyzcf

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #53 on: March 26, 2018, 06:55:32 PM »
Hi Faith,

I know that on Rejoice Ministries they are adamant that if you are standing you should not go out with members of the opposite sex.

Here is a story that happened to me recently. I have been standing since BD July 2009.

I am lonely so I have gone to a few meet up events which I felt very uneasy as they seemed to just be like a meat market with people checking one another out....about a year ago, a group started in my neighborhood for people who live alone. We have dinner once a week and sometimes attend concerts. It is not a dating group. One of the guys came on heavy to me one night and I was bothered but basically wasn't interested so it was fine.

There is another man, he is a widow (so no baggage as to why he might have been divorced). He shares the same religious beliefs, has his own business (so no need to fear he's a money digger)..basically a really nice guy.

We both have talked about being lonely...so now and then we would go out to a movie or dinner. I have never encouraged anything with him, wear my wedding rings and have been vocal about my belief that marriage is a sacrament, a covenant for life.

We both like music so one evening he called and asked if I wanted to go to this music club. He asked me to dance and I was a bit uncomfortable with that...eventually he offered to put my purse in his car so we could dance. Lots of people up on the floor, in groups and in couples....I like dancing so it was kind of fun.

On the way home, I gave him the money for my meal and beer and he tried  not accept it...saying that he had invited me. Previously, I had always paid my own way. I made him take the $$.

When we reached my house, he got out of the car and said "do you mind if I kiss you"...he caught me off guard..I said I would have to think about that and turned my head towards the door but he managed to kiss me..it shook me terribly.

I ran into my house and it really really bothered me..because he had not respected what I had said, I felt "used".

He realized that I was upset and said he had not slept all night...anyway....I have stopped going to my weekly dinners and feel like I have lost a friend.

I am very very clear that I am standing for my marriage and I could see how easily I could have got caught up in this....and no one would blame me for doing so.

But I know what I feel in my heart. I still love my husband, still believe that he is in crisis and I still have hope that he will come home someday. If he does, I don't want to have my own relationships to "confess"..nor would it be fair to someone to allow a relationship to develop when I know that what I really want is my husband and family.

So that is just one experience. It can be a slippery slope.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/site-map.html
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Offline No expectations

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #54 on: March 26, 2018, 08:04:22 PM »
Faith,

What feels right to you?  Follow your heart.  If you genuinely feel you can be friends,  there's nothing wrong with it.  But if your heart says no, believe it.   Don't do something because of what others think,  do what is right for Faith.

I'm glad s's car is only a gas issue!!
Married 10 1/2 years, together 17.  BD 9/2016, 2nd BD 10/16.  H moved out 10/16.  2 AS's from my first M.  Me 55, H 49.  OW 23.

"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through; how you managed to survive.  You won't even be sure if the storm is really over.  But one thing is certain; when you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person that walked in...that's what this storm is all about."

"The trick is to enjoy life.  Don't wish away your days, waiting for better ones."

Offline FaithWalkerTopic starter

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #55 on: March 26, 2018, 09:32:00 PM »
Thank you for sharing that xyzcf.  I hope that you have forgiven yourself, as I know how hard it is for us to do that.   And yes, no one would blame you for doing so.

And thank you also, NoEx.  I'm trying to balance head and heart, as the heart by itself can be very deceitful, lol. 

See, I don't think I would have any problem sitting down to coffee with another LBS of the opposite sex on here, because they would feel very, very, safe to me.  This guy seems a bit more dangerous because I don't know what his real motives are.

I pretty much told him that and he said he wouldn't want to be a stumbling block to my stand.  But he really, really wants to have coffee with me.  Now, I should probably treat him like our MLCers, see actions line up with the words. 
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9907.0#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Online Whyus

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #56 on: March 26, 2018, 11:27:13 PM »
Hi FW. Ill just take out of your signature if you dont mind....

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."


Having a coffee with an old friend CAN be dangerous and we all know how EAs and PAs start BUT if you know what you want (and im sure that you do) and you can Control yourself (which im sure that you can) then a coffee should be fine. See it as a Dance in the rain, no more or no less....

XY, I loved your post. We havent always agreed in the past but you know how much that I respect you. That must have been such a horrible Situation for you, especially after having such a pleasant evening with good Company. Such a shame that it all blew up for you. Please start attending your weekly dinners again, im sure that your friend will understand and respect your decisions. You found something which you can look Forward to so dont cut off your nose to spite your face. Nothing happened and he knows that he firetrucked up and is surely sorry about it...
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 44
W: 44
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28. Trainings partner. Still together
2 Sons - 18 & 19
2 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Filed
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0
T10. http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9547.0

Offline xyzcf

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #57 on: March 27, 2018, 06:33:26 AM »
Dear Faith,

I don't feel like I did anything at wrong...indeed, this man had asked me why I did not get an annulment and I had told him my views about that so he knew very well that I was not wanting that kind of a relationship.

I have had some wonderful times with 2 men from HS who I am in contact with. It is lovely to have a male point of view and they do understand and there is no "threat" from them at all.

And thank you Whyus for your very kind words. I may go back to the dinners but found a 12 week "retreat" that I started going to on the same night. It is called "In God We Trust, or Do We?

I have see this man since that episode, he actually told me the last time I saw him that he is seeing another member from our group which I thought was really "gentlemanly" of him. He has been widowed for 3 1/2 years. He had a wonderful loving life with his wife and he wants to be married again...as he should be.

I appreciate your words Whyus!
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/site-map.html
The Hero's Spouse Mission Statement
Survival Instructions for Newbies
The Mentor Program
Report Technical Problems

Offline FaithWalkerTopic starter

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #58 on: March 27, 2018, 09:22:37 PM »
Dear Faith,

I don't feel like I did anything at wrong...indeed, this man had asked me why I did not get an annulment and I had told him my views about that so he knew very well that I was not wanting that kind of a relationship.

I bet that is my wrestling with shame rubbing off onto your post xyzcf, as I always seem to blame myself when men have done those types of things to me.  You have a much healthier way of looking at it and this is an area I have to work on, still.

Well, when in doubt, do nothing?  I have just kind of left it alone and he seems to have backed way off since there has been radio silence since yesterday at lunch time.

Thank you for a different perspective Whyus.  I can control myself, but I have some fears about that slippery slope, as he stirs some thinking and feeling's that if I'm not careful, would push right past my walls, boundaries, etc. etc.  The biggest thing that is sending my alarm bells ringing is that when I had agreed to coffee and came back with about 5 different times that would work for me, not knowing what his schedule was like, his response was "How about all those times   ;)"  That really sent me into a bit of a tailspin.  I am sure this is the way with a lot of us, but rejection from our spouses leaves us feeling unseen, unknown, and unloved.  To have him not just choose one random time out of those times, but want all of them made me have to think about myself a bit differently.  And I had trouble with it.  I was confused.  I thought "why?  Why would he want to spend all those times in my presence?  I'm not that great."  And then I got a bit mad at him, because his response had me wrestling with myself a great deal, and the confusion set in.  I was a bit candid with him in response.  And then we volleyed back and forth a good deal before he finally said that he wouldn't want to be a stumbling block.

The hardest, hardest part, is that my H treats me like the mother of his kids and nothing more.  I know, I know, MLC.  And what is it with some of them NEVER saying your name, ever?  I admit, seeing this friend say my name, which he uses quite often, again, put me into a bit of a tailspin.  The interaction I've had with my H this week is that he wanted to know if he had Easter with the kids, because he can't remember if he had them last year or not.   ::)  I had to jog his memory about it, and I still don't think he remembers spending the day with them.

I guess this is where the rubber meets the road.  Time can be our friend, and it can be one of our biggest enemies also.  And I am only a little over 2 years in.

Enough about that.  My meeting last night was amazing.  I've been meeting with other gal's the 4th Monday of the month for a time of community togetherness.  I went for the first time last month and the topic was forgiveness.  The speakers this time were a step-mother (who married a widower when the daughter was 6) and her step-daughter who had a very sad story to tell, and had reunited after 10 years of being physically separated.  I remember seeing their tragedy in the paper about 10 years ago and how awful it was.  The story last night was one of redemption, forgiveness, restoration, and transformation.  It was beautiful and tragic, and things have been working together for their good now.  I had a chance to give the step-daughter a hug afterwards, and I'm afraid I monopolized quite a bit of her time.  But, if you had told me 10 years ago that I would be sitting there listening to her story, meeting her, and giving her a hug afterward, I would have been a bit incredulous.  It helped me to remember to give my H grace, and that no matter how far we stray from God, there is always a way back.
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9907.0#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline Silver

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #59 on: March 29, 2018, 01:28:55 AM »
The hardest, hardest part, is that my H treats me like the mother of his kids and nothing more.  I know, I know, MLC. 

I feel for you Faith, I also find this hard myself, she keeps saying that I am the best father our children could have... That's nice to hear really but to be seen ONLY as that is difficult, after just few months of love confessions from her in my case. Some change in role...

Sending warm thoughts and strength to you Faith, lots of cyber hugs too.
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline FaithWalkerTopic starter

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #60 on: March 30, 2018, 07:55:12 PM »
Well, we haven't met for coffee and he leaves tomorrow.  We both decided that it wouldn't be a good idea.  There is past history there, lots and lots of attraction, and we are both in a very long season of 0 physical touch as we both have been focusing on our kids since our D's (his was before mine).  Probably a recipe for disaster.

I have to confess that I thought about it a good deal.  And my thoughts were not my friend.  Very guilty here.  I have taken my ring off.  Feel like I've broken my vows now too.  I was tempted and let my thoughts run away.  It was ridiculous.  And a bit exciting.  It felt good to know that I am desirable to someone.  But it awakened things in me which were dormant, and better left dormant.  Friends, I feel like I cheated on my husband this week, even though I didn't actually go through with anything.  Now what?  Romans 7:19 NLT says "I want to do what is good, but I don't.  I don't want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway."  That's pretty much how I feel right now.  Going to be completely honest, I have this huge internal struggle happening right now.  Even my Christian friends can't agree.  Many of them say I am free to date after divorce since I wasn't the one to break up the marriage.  But others say only if death were to part us.

This week I have lost hope.  Thinking, "what's the point?"  It is so, so hard to keep the flame alive and burning for a man that seems dead and gone.  And of course I've thought about all the things that bugged me in the marriage.  All the things that he never wanted to do with me.  All the times that I felt that he never really "chose" me, it was ridiculously easy to believe that he only married me because he got me pregnant.  Pray for me.  I've lost sight of everything.  Began to believe that I deserved better, that I'm disgusted by the POF profile that says "not looking for anything serious" which my friends tell me is lingo for "Just want a wham bam thankya m'aam."  And then thinking, "if that's true, how many women has he been with since we D'd?"  And it makes me sick inside.

I have been so staid and true for over 2 years now, and now this.  What the heck?  I have turned down every advance towards me with no problem.  Until now.  I mean, I turned down this one too, but it was WAY harder.  And now I'm just in this different place *snap* just like that.  Almost like I'm fighting a battle to get back to the girl I was.  A bit more confident, sassy, spunky, lighter in burdens, not so broken, but not always a good girl, either.  I would love to take some of that back, but not all of it.

I made some stupid decisions, that lead to heartbreak, and shame.  I don't want to be that same girl again, for sure.

There are some glaring red flags about the marriage that I keep pushing away, because I have told myself that he can change, and that our marriage would be much better the second time around, but again, being completely honest here, I'm afraid that they won't, and that I'll go back to being disappointed and resentful, and that maybe I did feel stuck.  And I have over and over again continued to refuse all of that glaring truth.

But at the same time, I feel like I'm failing.  That I'm failing at trusting God to work out all those details.  That my faith should be bigger than my fear.  And it has been, it has been.  I didn't choose my name by accident.  But this week I am struggling.  I have not had such a fierce struggle as this in the 27 months that I have been in this storm.
 
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9907.0#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline Milly

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #61 on: March 31, 2018, 04:47:54 AM »
Faith, I'm sorry you're in this questioning yourself moment because it's so confusing and causes the monkey braining. But I think it's part of our movement, the LBS growing. This interaction with your old friend has unbalanced you, made you start thinking of your H differently, bringing up his bad sides, which possibly you had put aside since BD. You are questioning whether your H only married you because you were pregnant and not because he chose you. I think we all/most of us do go through these moments and more than once.

What got you questioning everything was the little feeling of interest you had for your old friend. It sort of broke a shell. You are right in the middle of this imbalance and can't work out how to move forward, but I'm sure you will figure it out. This is all good, it's growth and you have done nothing bad at all, nor if you had gone for coffee and felt for him would you have done anything bad in my book. Think of it as a necessary stage we must all go through.

Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D23, D20, S13
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline Never say never

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #62 on: March 31, 2018, 05:02:42 AM »
Milly, you took the words right out of my mouth.  I agree, Faith, that this is called growth and change, and no one likes change.  The answer ultimately is up to you ... and there is no right or wrong.

When/if you are ever ready to go for something as simple as a coffee, you will know.  I agree that it would be a slippery slope if you have any feelings other than friendship for someone.  There is a guy at work who always teases me about going out for coffee.  He has also invited me to the shooting range.  He is married.  I have zero attraction at all to this man, but I would never accept his invitation.  I just wouldn't feel right.

I think for now, you have enough on your plate to just get to know yourself.  I think if you have to even question if it's right or wrong to go for coffee, you have your answer.  Remember, when you don't know what to do, you do nothing.  But having said that, I think the offer from him sparked something within you that has been missing.  Heck, we are all human and crave attention/affection from others.  There is nothing wrong with that either.

But only you will know if you are still standing for your marriage.  If you are, I would stick with the female friends unless you go out in a group setting.  That's just my two cents. 

Online Mortesbride

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #63 on: March 31, 2018, 02:38:19 PM »
Isn't there something in the bible about divorce if your partner commits adultery?

Offline FaithWalkerTopic starter

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #64 on: March 31, 2018, 06:56:05 PM »
Thank you everyone.

Yes MB, there is.  The confusing part is the issue of remarriage.

My H's cousin, who he used to work with and is the younger brother of the boss that fired him had sent me this article a while back.  He wanted to encourage me that it was okay for me to date, as I wasn't the one who blew up the marriage.  I haven't read it yet, but will post a link anyway.

https://www.gotquestions.org/divorced-remarry.html
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9907.0#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline FaithWalkerTopic starter

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #65 on: March 31, 2018, 06:58:14 PM »
And this is the other one he sent me.

https://www.gotquestions.org/divorce-remarriage.html
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9907.0#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline SteelSpine

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #66 on: March 31, 2018, 09:27:29 PM »
Faith, you have been through so much lately, I really feel for you.   I hope the images of your car accident are fading.   Be gentle with yourself.   I would have gone through exactly the same emotions as you had.  But the coffee with the old friend however, not so much.   I would have been there in a heartbeat!  ;D   Not to be unfaithful, just to have a nice time.   But then, I'm not a covenant keeper.

You are so beautifully and gracefully walking your path.   A path which has been presenting some unique challenges.   Keep walking, and shining.
me 54
H 50
S12, S8 & S8
M 1/98

BD 7/16  PA - OW 47, divorced, no children
Separated, 8/16 - I kicked him out

H sleeping on a couch at his business, three blocks from our home.
No legal action possible until immigration issues sorted out.

BD#2 9/17 - OW now employed by H full time

Offline Shocked

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #67 on: April 05, 2018, 08:33:34 PM »
Hello All,
FaithWalker asked me to write on her thread to ask for prayers for her S17. He attempted suicide today. I know nothing else. FaithWalker has a strong faith and I know our prayers would mean a great deal to her. Thank you so very much for your support for her and her family.  🙏😢
Shocked
I care🤗
H 51
W 58
M 22 Years
2 AD both married from my first M
BD 12/15 moved out-in replay, vanisher, MOW in Atlanta
D 2/17

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #68 on: April 05, 2018, 08:37:35 PM »
Oh no!  Thank you, Shocked, for letting us know. 

Prayers will begin for FW, her son and the rest of the family. 
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline MourningDove

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #69 on: April 05, 2018, 09:06:10 PM »
Sending prayers.

Offline MyBrainIsBroken

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #70 on: April 05, 2018, 10:00:01 PM »
Sending prayers.

Offline xyzcf

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #71 on: April 06, 2018, 06:16:19 AM »
You and your son and family are in my prayers.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

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Offline Milly

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #72 on: April 06, 2018, 07:02:42 AM »
Dear, dear Faith, sending lots of hugs and love to you and your dear son. If he knows about us, tell him we completely understand what he's going through and there are many more kids going through this tough time and age, just like him. Wishing you, your S17 and the rest of your family a bit of peace. You have been through so much lately.
Milly
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D23, D20, S13
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline Acorn

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #73 on: April 06, 2018, 07:13:28 AM »
Dear Faith,

My heart goes out to you, and my prayer to God.
May He heal all broken hearts and surround them with His grace.

((((((((HUGS))))))))
Feb 2015: H has a Nuclear meltdown.  A tear-fest.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Still home

Offline Kitty

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #74 on: April 06, 2018, 07:21:53 AM »
Dear Faith,

Sending positive thoughts to you and your family. I hope your son will be alright.
Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 11.5
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 - Legal separation signed, and I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #75 on: April 06, 2018, 10:54:26 AM »
Holding you all in my prayers too, Faith
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Mitzpah

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #76 on: April 06, 2018, 11:03:51 AM »
Faith,

Covering you both in prayer.
M 56
H 56
S 26
S 24
D 23
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Offline FearNot

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #77 on: April 06, 2018, 11:19:09 AM »
Praying for you and your family FW!
M 46
H 39
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Online Puzzled

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #78 on: April 06, 2018, 02:18:18 PM »
FaithWalker,  I'm so sorry to hear this.  You and your son will be in my prayers.
Me: 46 (43 at BD1)
H: 52 (48 at BD1)
D: 9 (6 at BD1)
Met in 1995, married since 2000
BD 1: August 2014
BD 2: October 2015, moved abroad

Offline Shocked

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #79 on: April 06, 2018, 09:53:21 PM »
Hello All,

FaithWalker asked me to give an update til she can get to her computer.
“He is out of the danger period though.  So thank God for that!  Still trying to process everything.  He will be on an involuntary 72 hour hold at a local mental health hospital.  We are waiting for the intake process on that.  The two younger kids are with their Dad tonight.  No one wants me to be alone so I’ll stay the night with my brother and SIL.

I went home to get him some things and found the note, so now I’m just trying to hold myself together.  Prayers and support are definitely needed.”

Sadly FW went home to find the note her son had left. She said it was like being in hell.

I know she will be so grateful for all your prayers and support.
Thank you all!

I care🤗
H 51
W 58
M 22 Years
2 AD both married from my first M
BD 12/15 moved out-in replay, vanisher, MOW in Atlanta
D 2/17

Offline No expectations

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #80 on: April 06, 2018, 10:12:32 PM »
Oh Faith,

My heart breaks for you.   My son had to be committed for the same reason,  at around the same age.  It is so hard, growing up in this time. 

Sending love and prayers,  my dear sweet friend.  ♡♡
Married 10 1/2 years, together 17.  BD 9/2016, 2nd BD 10/16.  H moved out 10/16.  2 AS's from my first M.  Me 55, H 49.  OW 23.

"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through; how you managed to survive.  You won't even be sure if the storm is really over.  But one thing is certain; when you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person that walked in...that's what this storm is all about."

"The trick is to enjoy life.  Don't wish away your days, waiting for better ones."

Offline FaithWalkerTopic starter

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #81 on: April 07, 2018, 09:41:21 AM »
Thank you all so very much.  Your support means so, so much to me.  Today I am finally able to be home and on my computer for a bit.  I'm waiting for a phone call with the facility where my S17 is to do my portion of his interview.  I was able to speak to him yesterday on the phone as he is only allowed 4 visitors, 2 in each 30 minute time slot from 5:30-6:00 and 6:00-6:30.  I forfeited my time slot for my Pastor brother and his youth Pastor who didn't get to see him at the hospital.  I felt that was important.  Tonight my xH (MLCer) and I are going to visit him together tonight.  Pray that it goes well.

xH came to the hospital and was very supportive to me.  He went back and saw S17 by himself and later S17 told his Dad and I that xH was very good with him, so I am hoping some healing is starting to take place there.  His family has reached out to me as well.  His Dad, Step-mom and I are working together to provide the very best for S17 during this time.  We are all in so much shock.  His step-mom is a family therapist who deals daily with kids in this type of situation and this blind-sided her.  His school counselor is in the same position, just in complete shock.  I took a mental health first aide training and I didn't see this coming either.

S17 took the entire prescription bottle of generic Vicodin that I had not disposed of yet from his wisdom teeth surgery in the Fall.  I have no words.  It is just so hard to fathom this.  The day before I was begging him to take an allergy pill because he was sneezing like crazy and his answer was "Mom, you know I hate meds and only take them if I absolutely have to."  If you remember, he refused to take any of the pain pills at surgery time and we hadn't even opened the bottle of pills.

I'm in so much disbelief right now.  Thursday was my late day, and he came home from school during his split schedule.  I texted him about 7 minutes after he took the pills and had a conversation with him.  He arranged for his friend to pick up the other two from school.  His friend was going to drop them off at the house.  It kills me, absolutely kills me that D15 and S13 would have been the first ones home to find him.  The note was in S17/S13's room.  This is such a nightmare.

Thankfully, he immediately began to realize that he didn't really want to die, and he drove himself to the hospital, with the empty pill bottle.  I am so thankful for the hospital staff and all that they were able to do for him.  He is very fortunate that he will be okay.  I was thinking of MBIB while I was sitting at the hospital and all that he does in situations like these.  After he was out of the woods, they transferred him on an M-1 72 hour hold.  From there we will figure out what happens.  He's being very cooperative and I was told yesterday that if he continues than they will lift the hold for sure after 72 hours and we will talk about a safety plan.  The school has been very supportive and his counselor is awesome.  The first thing she said to me is that she sees my kids a lot and that they are GREAT kids and that she's blown away by them and she could see without ever meeting me that I am a GREAT mom to my kids and that I need to never forget that.

You can imagine all the emotions that go through you in a time like this.

S17 said that the pills seemed like the easiest route.  His other thoughts were to wrap himself around a tree at 100mph, or find a gun.  My heart just breaks.  I just have no words to adequately describe what I am feeling.

D15 and S13 are doing okay so far, but I am afraid that they are holding it all in like S17 as well.  S17 said that he'd been such a good actor for everyone.  He says there is a lot of relief for him now that it's out in the open. 

We are looking at therapy/counseling for all 4 of us.  It's a long journey, but together, the future looks bright, and I think that we will be okay.
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9907.0#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline No expectations

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #82 on: April 07, 2018, 10:43:03 AM »
Oh Faith,

Your poor s.  I can't even imagine how much pain hr was holding inside,  that he felt this was his best, or only, option.   

I pray that now this is out in the open,  he can begin the long road to healing.   Yes, you are a wonderful mother,  but we've all learned just how much a person can hold inside them, haven't we.

I am keeping you, your s, your whole family in my prayers.
Married 10 1/2 years, together 17.  BD 9/2016, 2nd BD 10/16.  H moved out 10/16.  2 AS's from my first M.  Me 55, H 49.  OW 23.

"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through; how you managed to survive.  You won't even be sure if the storm is really over.  But one thing is certain; when you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person that walked in...that's what this storm is all about."

"The trick is to enjoy life.  Don't wish away your days, waiting for better ones."

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #83 on: April 07, 2018, 11:10:05 AM »
FW - I will continue prayers for you all. 

Thank you for the update.  I've been thinking about you and your family since we heard the news. 

Hugs to you, friend. 
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline Mitzpah

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #84 on: April 07, 2018, 11:49:37 AM »
Faithwalker,

Again, I am sorry that you are going through this, I am happy he actually decided to take himself to hospital and there was time - God is good!

I pray for strength for you at this time, that he will heal from this - how hard to find the note, I can't even imagine... :'(

Prayers for your whole family
M 56
H 56
S 26
S 24
D 23
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Offline OffRoad

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #85 on: April 07, 2018, 12:47:32 PM »
My heart breaks for you and your family. I am so glad he realized that he had made a mistake and could get it corrected in time.

S17 is in a safe environment right now. Take care of yourself and D15 and S13.  Virtual hugs and support for you all.

When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline Anjae

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #86 on: April 07, 2018, 01:02:15 PM »
I am so sorry to hear about S17, FaithWalker. Glad to know he is on the mend.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Milly

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #87 on: April 07, 2018, 03:25:00 PM »
Oh, Faith, how terrible to find his note. I'm so glad that S17 had enough time to realize that he'd made a mistake. I suspect that it was several things together that were mounting and something on that last day became too much for him to bear. It might not even have been a big thing, it just all got too much. What a dear boy. He as holding it all inside to not trouble you all. Makes me think twice about the state of my own kids.

Thinking of you and your kids. Lots of love to S17 tonight. xxxx
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D23, D20, S13
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline SteelSpine

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #88 on: April 07, 2018, 04:32:36 PM »
You are right Faith, the future does look bright. Your son saved himself, and is relieved that it is out in the open. Both are very good signs, I would think.

Your family is in my thoughts.
me 54
H 50
S12, S8 & S8
M 1/98

BD 7/16  PA - OW 47, divorced, no children
Separated, 8/16 - I kicked him out

H sleeping on a couch at his business, three blocks from our home.
No legal action possible until immigration issues sorted out.

BD#2 9/17 - OW now employed by H full time

Offline MyBrainIsBroken

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #89 on: April 07, 2018, 07:27:46 PM »
Hi Faith.

I'm happy to hear that your son is on the road to recovery. I hope he's able to get the help that he needs now and I hope that you will be able to get the help that you and your other children need now to help you understand and cope with this. I believe your faith in God will make it possible for all of you to get through this and come out stronger.

Offline Kitty

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #90 on: April 07, 2018, 08:14:26 PM »
I'm so glad to hear your son is okay Faith. I don't have kids, so I can only imagine the pain you went through hearing about your son and reading his note. Thankfully he realized that life is worth living, that even though things may seem bad at the moment there is always hope that things will be better.

I think counseling for the 4 of you is an excellent idea, especially if your 2 younger ones are bottling things too.

Sending hugs and positive thoughts to you.
Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 11.5
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 - Legal separation signed, and I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #91 on: April 07, 2018, 08:22:24 PM »
Oh Faith, I am so sorry to hear of this terrible news. Sending you and your family light and love and asking God to be with your S as he begins a new journey of healing. ((Hugs)) my beautiful friend. Stay strong and remember to take care of yourself so you can take care of your kids.
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #92 on: April 08, 2018, 04:14:42 PM »
Faith I am praying for you and your sweet S. This is truly a parents worst nightmare. You are beyond strong. Like DF said, take care of yourself first do you can maintain  the strength for your family!

Love and hugs friend
Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Online Puzzled

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #93 on: April 08, 2018, 11:56:14 PM »
Faith, thanks for your update.  I'm so glad your S17 is ok.  He seems like an amazing boy, even arranging for a friend to pick up his siblings and then driving himself to hospital.  Your being a wonderful mom is reflected in his behavior and shines through your posts as well.  How sad to think that he, along with so many other children affected by MLC, just bottle up their feelings and suffer alone while acting as if they are fine. 

Great to read that you all are working together so well in this crisis and are seizing it as an opportunity to a brighter future.  S17 is blessed to have amazing people in his life.

Continuing to pray for you and your family
Me: 46 (43 at BD1)
H: 52 (48 at BD1)
D: 9 (6 at BD1)
Met in 1995, married since 2000
BD 1: August 2014
BD 2: October 2015, moved abroad

Offline FaithWalkerTopic starter

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #94 on: April 09, 2018, 08:27:40 PM »
Hello everyone, thank you so, so very much.

S17 was able to be released yesterday at 3:20p.m.  He was very cooperative and really opened up with the staff and the others in his group sessions.  They would have liked to have released him by Saturday afternoon but getting the 72 hour hold lifted is a process, so he stayed the whole time.  We have a safety plan in place and he went home to his Dad's for the time being.

I met S17 and his Dad there and I drove S17 to his Dad's, where I stayed with him, his Dad, Step-Mom, his two sister's on his Dad's side and his GF.  I went and got my D15 and S13 from xH about an hour early and returned to his Dad's for a low-key BBQ.  xH gave me S17's Easter gifts from him and he also picked up a little gift for S17 that was to help give him a boost of positivity.  It was actually very thoughtful.  It was a "bad-ass button" and a little book to go with it.  S17 got a kick out of it and actually slipped the book into his pocket and said he would use it as a resource.  Nephew 17 stopped by for about 30 minutes at 8:45 as he was not allowed to visit him in the facility and he was anxious to see him.  We also stayed at his Dad's until 9:15pm.  D15 was working really hard on a project and needed to print a few more things.  I don't have a printer, so we returned to xH's so that she could print and then headed home, where she finished up her project.  By that time I was pretty exhausted.  She was to as she had been working on the project since 7:30 that morning.  She would have started it sooner, but between all the stuff going on Thu and Fri, I told xH that she needed some supplies to start her project when I dropped her by Friday night, but that store trip didn't end up happening until 10:00 on Saturday night I guess. 

This morning I got up and took S13 to school and D15 dropped her project by the High School.  I let her miss her horticulture class at Career center so that she could come back and relax for a while, then took her to her classes at the High School and met S17 and his Dad there right after for our appointment with his school Counselor.  That went well.  He will return to school on Thursday and I will return to work.  He will check in with his counselor before his first class.  He's doing well, he's listed a lot of things that he has to live for.  He asked his GF to prom and he is looking forward to that.  He and his counselor talked about getting his grade up so that he can attend, as he is struggling a bit with pre-calc.

His Dad and I are really working together to keep each other in the loop.  They had S17 call me tonight to see if it would be okay if he drove to pick up his GF, and brought his younger sister (on Dad's side) along for the ride so that he wouldn't be alone in the car, as we know that he would never put anyone else's life in danger by using the car to hurt himself.  I pulled a Watcher/No Ex tonight and went to a kickboxing class with a co-worker, so I texted his Dad and let him know I would be out of reach for about 45 minutes.  I really enjoyed the class, it was just what I needed to release some stress.

Today my B in Denver called and we talked for about 3 hours.  Well with him, one mainly just listens, lol.

My M checked in with me and my SIL and B in town checked in as well, so I gave them an update and we went over his safety plan so that they would be in the loop.

Tomorrow S17's Dad goes back to work so D15 and I (she is off school because only Junior's go for SAT's tomorrow) so we will drive over and stay with S17 at his F's house after we drop S13 off at school.  His GF will probably join us mid-morning or so.

We are taking one day at a time right now.
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9907.0#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Online Whyus

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #95 on: April 09, 2018, 11:55:45 PM »
Just caught up FW... im so sorry, I totally missed this and im so glad that Things seem to be looking up.
That must have been a nightmare, my Boys are 18 and 19, put on brave faces but it does make you think... I am going to give S18 a big hug later just because hes my S18... I will see S19 at the Weekend...

Im glad that so many were there for you offering Support.. XxX

Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 44
W: 44
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28. Trainings partner. Still together
2 Sons - 18 & 19
2 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Filed
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0
T10. http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9547.0

Offline No expectations

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #96 on: April 10, 2018, 12:02:00 AM »
Faith,

One day at a time is all you can do.  You sound like you're dealing with all of this well, and your s sounds good.   He seems to really be open about what he needs, but of course you are keeping a very close eye on him.

Prayers continue, my friend.   Remember to take good care of yourself,  as well.

Hugs!
Married 10 1/2 years, together 17.  BD 9/2016, 2nd BD 10/16.  H moved out 10/16.  2 AS's from my first M.  Me 55, H 49.  OW 23.

"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through; how you managed to survive.  You won't even be sure if the storm is really over.  But one thing is certain; when you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person that walked in...that's what this storm is all about."

"The trick is to enjoy life.  Don't wish away your days, waiting for better ones."

Offline Milly

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #97 on: April 10, 2018, 12:56:31 AM »
Faith, I'm so glad to hear that you and H are working together to help S17. Poor kid, he put on such a brave face. You have really had so much to deal with emotionally this past month or so. I hope your S manages to get his grades up and enjoy the prom like all kids his age. xxx
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D23, D20, S13
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline FaithWalkerTopic starter

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #98 on: April 10, 2018, 08:10:14 AM »
Thank you Whyus, NoEx and Milly.

Milly, I just wanted to clarify that S17's Dad isn't my H that I've talked about here.  S17's Dad and I dated, and even lived together for about 9 months, but he broke up with me 5 days after I told him I was pregnant.  I was a single mom to S17, started dating my long-time friend (H) when S17 was 5 months old, married on his 18 month birthday.  S17's Dad saw him about 5 times for less than an hour each time in his 18 months of life, but filed for joint custody 2 weeks after our wedding.  He started seeing him consistently between 20 months and 2 years old.  He married 6 months after we did to a friend of ours who worked with us at the restaurant where I was a waitress and he was a shift manager.

For the most part we've gotten along well, with a few rocky years here and there, and a big court date S17's first grade year, but even in court S17's Dad ended up actually being more of a witness of my parenting skills than against me.  The judge even commended us on how well we worked together to keep S's best needs in mind.  Since then, things have been pretty smooth with us trying to do the best for S17 and lots of positive co-parenting.  Around 2014 I felt comfortable adding them into my circle of trust more and we became FB friends and did more things together, like a couple mutual birthday parties for S17 and some BBQ's.  We're planning his graduation party together as well. 

When MLC hit in 2015 they were the hardest to tell that my M was ending, but I sent S17 (15 at the time) to the car and told them what was going on.  They have been very sensitive and supportive of me during this time, and I have been very grateful of that.

After MLC, H and S's relationship changed, but they still do some things together now and then, but he stepped back from being a parent into a different role.  He and S go hunting together, and spend a couple special occasions together, but that's about it.  I was very happy that he showed up at the hospital and went back and saw S and also came with me to the psychiatric hospital.  When he hugged me at the hospital, it felt nice, but it was different.  My feeling's have definitely changed lately.

I know I have a couple week's gap between when I last posted and when S17 went into the hospital.  I have not seen my old BF for coffee, but we have had a few text chats and had arranged to meet for coffee when I had to text him and let him know that I needed a rain check.  Other than an update about S17, I have not spoken to him since then.  I wear my anniversary band on my right hand, but I have given up wearing my ring.  I have completely let go, and let God.

There have been some long conversations with some close family and friends as I work through some thoughts and feeling's.  I am still in a bit of a place of confusion but that has taken a back door to what is currently going on and I will focus on that more when I feel like I am able.  My SIL (who was here with me over the weekend) and I had a very long chat.  You see, there was a huge altercation between my H and her several years ago that completely shook me to the core and changed the nature of their relationship.  Something to the point that they (her and my B) worried that myself and the kids were being abused.  She knew me before my H and I married and she said that she felt like he had "stolen my light".  She has slowly seen that light come back within me.  I was a little bit shocked by this.  I have a lot of thinking, praying, and just trusting God that I can work through everything.  Our M was not perfect, and now I'm not even sure if I was allowing some things that weren't healthy.  I definitely have a lot to work through, and need to be really honest with myself.

One thing that I do fear if I move forward with dating after M is that my "picker is broken."  I hope and pray that these 2 years of standing after D are working to get me to a healthy place so that I can be sure that it isn't.
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9907.0#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #99 on: April 10, 2018, 04:58:30 PM »
FW - Continued prayers and support offered for you, S, and family. 

Thank you for the update.  I appreciate you taking the time and energy to keep us informed and for being willing to share details with us. 
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline FaithWalkerTopic starter

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #100 on: April 11, 2018, 09:39:07 AM »
Thank you SB.  Yesterday was a good day. 

Today, I'm mad.  I'm angry.  I'm not mad at anyone in particular, I'm just mad at life, at pain, at the crap that we have to go through.

I will be channeling it in a healthy way back at kickboxing tonight but I'm just super angry today.
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9907.0#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Online Tyks

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #101 on: April 11, 2018, 02:24:57 PM »
Must be the weather.  I am super angry today too.  Or it could be that I had to speak with xh twice in two days. First time since January.  Now I know why NC is better  :P
Me 48
Him 48
22 years together - Married 20
BD1 - August 26, 2016 - ILYBINILWY
BD 2 - August 28, 2016 - OW discovered EA - Kicked him out
D15 D18
April 2017 - Legal Separation Agreement
August 2017 - I filed for divorce
Divorce final February 12 2018

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8823.0

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9005.0

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9120.0

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9279.0

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9649.msg635725#msg635725

Offline FaithWalkerTopic starter

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #102 on: April 11, 2018, 03:48:29 PM »
LOL Tyks.  Things with my xH are not riling me like they did before.  I guess with the recent pain, I'm just really wanting a new lease on life for all of us.  I think my S saw how much I was hurting, and I don't want him to see that any more.  So I have released it all.  What will be, will be.

I'm headed back to kickboxing this evening, and then my S and I are going out to dinner at one of his favorite restaurants, just the two of us.  Tomorrow I am back to work and he is back to school.  His Dad is going to take him to his first therapy appointment tomorrow.  He has a doctor's appointment on Tuesday.  This weekend he is going camping with his Dad and step-mom and I am throwing myself into giving my BF the best 40th surprise birthday party.  I can't wait to see her face when she realizes it's a surprise party.  D15 and S13 are going to help us decorate on Saturday at another friend's house.
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9907.0#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline No expectations

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  • One day at a time. And time is my friend.
Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #103 on: April 12, 2018, 04:14:20 AM »
Faith,

I understand about the "stealing the light".  I feel like that happened to me, but not because of my h.  I allowed it, no I am responsible for it.  In my case, I think it may have happened slowly through time.  More and more, just allowing myself to be more "wife" and less "NoEx". 

I think it ramped up after my cancer diagnosis,  and right behind that,  my autoimmune disease diagnosis,  but it was happening before.  And my mirror work has absolutely helped me see this person I can be again,  and like her.

I continue to keep you and your s in my prayers.
Married 10 1/2 years, together 17.  BD 9/2016, 2nd BD 10/16.  H moved out 10/16.  2 AS's from my first M.  Me 55, H 49.  OW 23.

"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through; how you managed to survive.  You won't even be sure if the storm is really over.  But one thing is certain; when you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person that walked in...that's what this storm is all about."

"The trick is to enjoy life.  Don't wish away your days, waiting for better ones."

Offline Shocked

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #104 on: April 12, 2018, 03:50:50 PM »
Happy to hear your sounding better. Prayers still coming your way!!!
I care🤗
H 51
W 58
M 22 Years
2 AD both married from my first M
BD 12/15 moved out-in replay, vanisher, MOW in Atlanta
D 2/17

Offline FearNot

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #105 on: April 12, 2018, 07:02:52 PM »
Ditto on what Shocked said! Hugs and Prayers FW!
M 46
H 39
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline Acorn

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #106 on: April 13, 2018, 03:10:08 AM »
Hi Faith, I had no doubt that you would bounce back after a dark moment of anger.  It was totally understandable that you were mad after all that you had to go through recently.

You are very resilient.  It is a gift and I’m glad you have it.  You may bend or fall but you rise again. 

Have a fabulous time ‘giving’ to your BF.  Such a lovely gesture from you to organize a surprise party for her... 

(((((HUGS))))))))
Feb 2015: H has a Nuclear meltdown.  A tear-fest.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Still home

Offline Silver

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #107 on: April 13, 2018, 04:00:45 AM »
Still following along Faith, you are an inspiration, releasing is difficult yet liberating.

Have a great party with BF!  :) 

"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline FaithWalkerTopic starter

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #108 on: April 16, 2018, 08:30:22 PM »
So S17 told me Thursday night that he doesn't want to come home.  He asked if I would be okay if he moved into his F's a little early, as he was already planning on doing so after we got back from our cruise.  He says that it's hard to be in the house and remember what he did.  I gave him a hug and told him that I loved him, but I'm not going to fight him on this.

I went to Bible Study for the first time since his hospital stay, and got some good support there.

Friday morning I was a mess.  I just couldn't keep it together.  I got it out to a few co-workers and then was able to put everything out of my mind and focus on work.  I realized later that it was the 2nd anniversary of D also, so that may have contributed to my mood.

Saturday I was in a better mind frame.  I went to kickboxing for the 3rd time this week and then finished up things for my BF's party.  Unfortunately, her H's dad made a blunder and got her suspicious, so she wasn't super surprised, but we all had a great time anyway, and she was still thrilled that we threw her a party.

Sunday, D15, S13 and I met D15's friend's Dad and Step-mom and their lovely blended family for a hike.  They get along crazy well with her Mom and Step-Dad, and brought her little sister along (who is the Mom and Step-Dad's child).  Apparently, if either couple goes out of town, they have the other one watch their kids, not just the Dad and Mom's kids, but Step-Mom's kids, and Mom and Step-Dad's kids.  It turned out to be a beautiful day and super warm for April, in the 70's.  We hiked the lovely Palisade Rim...

https://drscdn.500px.org/photo/103542427/q%3D80_m%3D2000/v2?webp=true&sig=681505a63c396b3bc4c070795cf0e29c99012d936caf3a4234d45a4806ebcbb3

We spent a couple hours hiking.  The river is super low, which is sad because normally in April it's full and scary and lots of snow melt and run off.  It's going to be a sad, hot summer I'm afraid.  I happened to have a paddle board in my car, so when we got back to the parking lot, the kids were all wading in the river so I blew up my paddle board and tested the water out.  Then I gave the kids all turns out in the water with me.  At one point I had D's friend on the front and D on the back and the 3 of us weighed it down to where the water was running up on us.  It was cold, but about what Ridgway Reservoir is in June, with the snow melt run-off, lol.  We managed to stay afloat, but my job was to keep the paddle board going in circles between the bridge and the group fishing, so that we didn't stray downstream, so I was doing a lot of upstream paddling.  It wasn't bad when I was by myself, but add a load of kids on there and it was a great workout.  I am so sore today!  We were supposed to go kickboxing tonight but I told my coworker that it will have to be tomorrow night, lol.  D15 was very animated after our hike.  I had to bribe S13 with ice cream at one of our favorite local places afterwards to get him to go, but once he went he said he enjoyed it.  D15 said we need to plan more outings and I agree with her.  It felt really good to get out there and enjoy our beautiful community.

We invited S17 on the hike, but when I got back to my vehicle he had texted that they had gotten back from camping after we had already left up the hill.  I miss him!   :'(  I had dinner with just him on Wednesday night, and that may be our new normal.

I have not heard a thing from xH since getting the kids last Sunday.  I kind of thought maybe he would check up on S17, but maybe he is texting him directly, which would be good.  Otherwise, he probably has returned to having his blinders on.

As far as xBF, I had texted with him a few times but just was getting this gut feeling about him being in his second childhood as well.  I have no problem being friends with him, but beyond that, he does not strike me as relationship material.

So, our focus right now is graduation, graduation party and little outings on the weekends the kids are around (and time with my friends on the weekends I'm alone  ;D).

 

M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9907.0#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline FaithWalkerTopic starter

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #109 on: April 20, 2018, 07:41:52 PM »
Hey everyone.  Things are still a bit of a struggle here.  S17 ditched part of school on Tuesday.  He told his teacher he was feeling ill and left all of his things there, but the counselor called me and said that they were worried because they'd searched the bathrooms and everywhere for him and he was nowhere to be found.

He was very vague when answering my texts and his Dad said that he had even turned his tracker off on his phone.  So frustrating.  It was a special week where those with good grades got out at 2 and the rest had to stay and work on getting their grades up.  Our plan was that he stay and do make-up work so that he could take his GF to prom.  They won't let him go to prom if he has a bad grade.  He finally called me and said he was heading back to the school, that his GF got out early and needed a ride.  I was NOT happy with him. 

Last night I was home alone watching tv as D15 and S13 were at xH's.  I got a text from S17's friend saying that they were all out hiking and S17 and his GF got in a fight and that he heard him tell her that he was mad that his attempt wasn't successful.  Then he started punching his car and his friend was worried about him and his mindset.  Thankfully my nephew17 was in the car with them as well.  I had his F track him and they dropped his GF off.  I had my B call his son in the car and get a read on the situation and then we had him ride all the way back to S17's F's house so that he would not be alone in the car, nephew17 lives 4 houses away from S17's F so he just walked home.  SIL called me this morning and relayed what nephew17 told her.  I guess she was throwing around offing herself and S17 yelled that he would too.  I feel like she is the cause of a lot of this mindframe and angst and that their relationship is toxic.  The stress of all of it is getting to me.

On the Monday after S17 got out of the mental health hospital, and my SIL had gone back home after staying with me, my MLCer B texted me to ask about S17.  When I texted him back an update and told him that I was off work he immediately called me.  I thought it was out of concern for S17, but he pretty much spent 3 hours on the phone with me spewing the usual MLCer crap.  It felt like a dark and twisty glimpse into my xH's head as he was saying a lot of the same things.  He acted like he and my SIL had talked about some things that myself and my SIL talked about and I guess something she said with our stories didn't match up and he mentioned that he caught her in a lie.  I told him that I was not going to take sides, and that I didn't want to be caught in the middle.  And that regardless of their R, she is still my sister and I love her.

My SIL had to go out of town for work and last weekend my M took the train to go stay with the boys while MLCer B worked.  This morning out of the blue I get a text from her.  "You do not need to respond to this.  I just wanted to let you know that SIL is really in need of prayer.  B has been making great progress.  Being able to work...stopping smoking...losing weight...getting back to fishing, etc. has all helped.  He is not having an affair.  He does not want an ugly divorce.  I try to listen and encourage.  Be careful to stay true to your B.  He needs your prayers and encouragement.  SIL has her own family and friends.  I love you and pray that you are doing well."

So, there's a glimpse into how the MLCers easily get their families on board with them.  They make it their mission to convince them whatever it is (they never loved us, they married too young, they married because we were pregnant, etc. etc.)  That messaged really bothered me.  I can love my B and still disagree with him.  And I can love my SIL, regardless of their relationship with one another.  And I'm not 12, she can't dictate who I'm friends or not with.  I'm so frustrated and feeling like now I'm getting dragged into that drama.  My SIL hasn't spoken to me since I was on the phone with my B, so he probably told her that he was on the phone with me and that I agreed with him.  Ugh.  I honestly didn't know what to think, but, like I said,  a lot of it sounded just like MLCer spew.  Regardless of whether she has flaws or issues she needs to work on.  I feel like he's just twisting her up and asking for all of these changes, you know, the usual MLCer work-up, and then when MC doesn't work, they drop the LBS like a hotcake.  My SIL and I are in similar situations.  He's upset because she told him if they get a D, she never wants to see him again.  And he's not okay with that.  Hello, MLCer B, there should be your first clue that you do feel something for her!  Have I said lately how much I HATE MLC!

I went to kickboxing again tonight and took my anger out on the bag, but this stress isn't helping me.  How strong do we have to be?  Some days I feel like I'm at breaking point.

Modified to add:  After kickboxing Wednesday night I drove S13 and D15 to xH's.  I texted him that we were headed that way and he responded that he was about 10 minutes away.  When he got there, S13 got out and headed into the house through the garage.  D15 was still sitting up front, so he opens the side door and sits in the seat in my vehicle behind D15.  We start having a conversation, which was bizarre because I either had to twist in my seat to look at him or just talked to him through my rear view mirror, lol.  D15 gets out and goes inside and he just continues to sit out in my vehicle talking to me.  So I shared with him some of the struggles with S17 and that I broke down on April 13th at work and the whole time I was wondering (does he know the 13th was our 2 year D-versary?)  I don't know how long he sat out there, but it was bizarre and yet comfortable at the same time.  It's hard to break the habit of talking to them like an old friend.  He had asked me if I was able to get the kids passports for our trip and I told him that I couldn't find S13's birth certificate and that between the stuff with S17 and kids dentist appointments, etc. I could not make it down to get a new one during their office hours.  So the very next morning I get a text from him that he went down and got a new copy for me.  He dropped it off while I was at kickboxing tonight when he came to get the kids from my house.  I don't pretend to know what is going on in his mind at any given time, but I'll take the kindness at face value and realize that in his mind, it may not mean anything at all.
« Last Edit: April 20, 2018, 07:54:57 PM by FaithWalker »
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9907.0#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #110 on: April 20, 2018, 07:58:50 PM »
FW - well, you are certainly in the trenches right now.  You are right to worry about your S17.  I work with several students that spend time every week during the school day with the mental health folks that have offices right on our campus.  I hope that he is seeing somebody and that it will start to bring about some positive changes.  You may be quite right about the GF being a big part of the drama.  I do notice that many times a relationship issue causes big problems for some of our students.  I'm sure you are doing all that you can. 

The message from your mom is kind of disheartening, especially given the fact that you aren't seeing the same things that she claims to be seeing.  It just reinforces for me how much parents (especially the mothers of men) want to believe that there is nothing wrong with their "little boys".  I hope you can come to some arrangement that will work for you regarding supporting the SIL that you still love and want to help. 

Sending support. 
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline Milly

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #111 on: April 21, 2018, 04:24:57 AM »
Faith, I'm sorry to hear that your S17 is still dealing with some of his issues, although I would imagine it would be normal for him to be still struggling with whatever that final straw was that lead him to do what he did.

I do believe that a relationship with a girlfriend/boyfriend at their age is what becomes for them that final straw. I think you're doing everything a parent could do. As Still said, keep a constant eye on him, help him open up, keep IC going, give him attention. I'm sure you know all that anyway. I would have been more worried if after his attempt, he would appear to be all better immediately. This 'irregular' behaviour of his right now, leaving school, punching the car, etc. is what you might have expected to have seen before his attempt, which is why you were so surprised by it. Better he let out his emotions and you get that chance to help him deal with them.

Thank you for sharing that message from your mother, it really does help us see how our MLCers influence the people around them and set them against us. Unbelievable how crafty our MLCers are, and what great actors they can be. Let's not forget they're also 'acting' for us.

So your H sitting in the car with you all that time? Bizarre. I guess it helps you though. Nice he took it upon himself to rid you of another drag of a chore, the birth certificate, and hard to not expect more from him after this helpful gesture. I hope you get to have a peaceful weekend.xxx
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D23, D20, S13
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline FaithWalkerTopic starter

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #112 on: April 22, 2018, 09:21:53 PM »
Thank you SB and Milly.

I had a pretty quiet weekend.  No more S17 drama.  He ditched school Friday, so I sent a text to his F who had given him permission to ditch one class.  After speaking with S17, his F texted back that it was a miscommunication.  S17's GF had Orchestra Festival all day and he ditched to support her at that.  It's whatever.  He's got all his credits for graduation.  He's the one who said he wanted to stay in school, we gave him the option to be done when we met with his counselor. 

Yesterday I worked around the house and then went to a local restaurant for a surprise 40th for a friend of mine.  She came to my High School her Senior year, which I think would be really hard.  Anyway, we were good friends then and after reuniting on FB, we started to get together again and have become even better friends in the last several years.  She was separated from her H the summer of our HS reunion, so we went together.  The other day she called me and said that she had a lot of professional business clothes that she just didn't have room for in her closet and would like to pass them on to me.  I'm very touched by this.  Anyway, she had a good party and I enjoyed myself.  I met one of her friends who has recently moved back to the area from NY after having to say goodbye to her mama who ended her struggle with cancer.   :'(  She felt like an immediate soul sister and added me on FB before the party was over.  We've been messaging back and forth and plan on meeting up sometime soon.

The weather over the passes messed up my other plans for earlier in the day, but hopefully I will get to still do those plans at a later date.   ;)

Oh, I also filled out a transfer request for a different job within the school district.  Wish me luck.  Right now I work 166 days in a 7 hour position.  The new position would be 208 days for 8 hours.  I'm very much at peace with whatever happens.  I continue to search new job avenues, but leave it in the good Lord's hands to open doors that need opened and close doors that need shut.

Today I worked in the Church bookstore as usual.  I hadn't really had a chance to catch up with my friend who manages the bookstore other than a brief update about S17, so we were able to catch up today and she lended her support.  I shared with her that I'm really struggling with my path lately.  We made plans to talk more at length soon so that I can share with her more in detail and get some support.  She's one of the original members that sat and mentored me shortly after BD and during the D process.

I'm just so very confused about standing right now.  I'm not out looking for anything, but have reached a fork in the road and am definitely having a very huge internal struggle.  I just don't even know what I want anymore.  So I guess I'm just truly letting go and seeing what happens from here.  Maybe that will relieve some pressure on xH, to not see that ring on my hand anymore.  I feel that it has definitely helped our interactions.  Before, I still cared too much and sometimes our interactions were very awkward.  Now, with truly letting go, I feel that I am getting back to the girl that I was before.  More independent, hopefully a little more carefree, yet wiser for the lessons that I have learned.

The sermon today was really good.  I have felt like maybe by letting go that I was being disobedient to what God has asked me to do.  And that maybe God was angry with me.  To be honest, with everything going on with S17, I have been a bit angry with God.  But I think He wants all of our emotions, and our genuineness.  He and I need to have some heart to heart's as I have felt a bit distanced from Him lately as I struggle with this internal battle.  I have to remember that I don't have to have all the answers and that I need to share my burdens with Him and not try to bear the burdens alone, and that I can trust Him with my future, regardless of what it looks like.

After Church I came home and started working on S17's slideshow for his Graduation party.  This was bittersweet as I filtered through thousands of pictures of family memories, trying to decide on which ones will make it into the slideshow and which ones won't.  I realize that despite our circumstances now, our past is our past, and it's okay to display those good memories, even if it hurts a bit to see them.

This evening I picked up S13 and D15 from xH.  I thanked him for the birth certificate.  Even though earlier in the day I was irritated with him because he went and got his Passport a few years ago and I would not be dealing with all this if he had just gotten our passport's at the same time.  There was a bit of anger at him towards his selfishness.  Where on earth would he have needed to go without his family along?  Those were my thoughts and feeling's at the time, but now it all makes a bit more sense.  There were many times that he operated separate from the family unit, and many situations where he made decisions without even running them by me at all and in hindsight I see this.  Which puts me back to thinking there was a ton of truth in his statements about going through with the engagement and marriage because I was pregnant.  And that maybe he has a touch of MLC, but is perhaps a WAS.

Whatever it is, it is what it is.  But there are many instances that I have sifted through, and I don't think I am rewriting history, just finally seeing it for what it was.  I don't know what it means for the future, but it does make me reflect and wonder about things.  And feel like I deserved better.

And that is the state of the union 28 months post BD.
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9907.0#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #113 on: April 23, 2018, 10:12:58 AM »
I can be of no help to you regarding your standing struggle as I am D and done.  But I did struggle with it because I really meant my vows - for real and true and I took those vows before God. I have done a lot of research on the issue and prayed a lot.  You had posted a few links on your thread  awhile back which I read and were really very helpful to me in my struggle.  At this point, I am just D and done.  I am not dating or looking for a new relationship but I am not shutting anything down that might come along. I am just enjoying being single right now and finding myself.

I do agree with letting God in on your anger. I teach Sunday School and I always tell my kids  that God want a whole relationship with you - the good, the bad and the really ugly. Take it all to God like you would a trusted friend.  Of course, he already knows you are angry. Be real and open and you will be surprised at the outcome.

I have gotten into it with my Mom about my MLC brother as well. It is a real eye opener into the games they play on their Momma. My Mom also pitched the you need to be on your brother's side and don't you want your brother to be happy speech. I got real with her quickly - on his side? I don't even know where he is living. Happy? Does he look happy to you? I haven't seen or heard from him. She tells me he feels badly about not being here for me during my divorce and has talked crap about my SIL and I told her I wouldn't have it regurgitated at me from brother - I KNOW what she is going through and I won't talk badly about someone whose marriage is falling apart and is struggling to hold it together.  I take no sides - which means I will talk to either whenever I feel like it. Oh, and I am still around and D so whenever he feels like pitching in let me know. End of discussion.

I am sorry S17 is struggling. Sounds like he may need to take a break from GF while he sorts himself out.       

 

     
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

 

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