Author Topic: My Story The Heart Of The Matter  (Read 1983 times)

Offline FaithWalkerTopic starter

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My Story Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #100 on: April 11, 2018, 09:39:07 AM »
Thank you SB.  Yesterday was a good day. 

Today, I'm mad.  I'm angry.  I'm not mad at anyone in particular, I'm just mad at life, at pain, at the crap that we have to go through.

I will be channeling it in a healthy way back at kickboxing tonight but I'm just super angry today.
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9907.0#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline Tyks

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #101 on: April 11, 2018, 02:24:57 PM »
Must be the weather.  I am super angry today too.  Or it could be that I had to speak with xh twice in two days. First time since January.  Now I know why NC is better  :P
Me 48
Him 48
22 years together - Married 20
BD1 - August 26, 2016 - ILYBINILWY
BD 2 - August 28, 2016 - OW discovered EA - Kicked him out
D15 D18
April 2017 - Legal Separation Agreement
August 2017 - I filed for divorce
Divorce final February 12 2018

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8823.0

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9005.0

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9120.0

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9279.0

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9649.msg635725#msg635725

Offline FaithWalkerTopic starter

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #102 on: April 11, 2018, 03:48:29 PM »
LOL Tyks.  Things with my xH are not riling me like they did before.  I guess with the recent pain, I'm just really wanting a new lease on life for all of us.  I think my S saw how much I was hurting, and I don't want him to see that any more.  So I have released it all.  What will be, will be.

I'm headed back to kickboxing this evening, and then my S and I are going out to dinner at one of his favorite restaurants, just the two of us.  Tomorrow I am back to work and he is back to school.  His Dad is going to take him to his first therapy appointment tomorrow.  He has a doctor's appointment on Tuesday.  This weekend he is going camping with his Dad and step-mom and I am throwing myself into giving my BF the best 40th surprise birthday party.  I can't wait to see her face when she realizes it's a surprise party.  D15 and S13 are going to help us decorate on Saturday at another friend's house.
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9907.0#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Online No expectations

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #103 on: April 12, 2018, 04:14:20 AM »
Faith,

I understand about the "stealing the light".  I feel like that happened to me, but not because of my h.  I allowed it, no I am responsible for it.  In my case, I think it may have happened slowly through time.  More and more, just allowing myself to be more "wife" and less "NoEx". 

I think it ramped up after my cancer diagnosis,  and right behind that,  my autoimmune disease diagnosis,  but it was happening before.  And my mirror work has absolutely helped me see this person I can be again,  and like her.

I continue to keep you and your s in my prayers.
Married 10 1/2 years, together 17.  BD 9/2016, 2nd BD 10/16.  H moved out 10/16.  2 AS's from my first M.  Me 55, H 49.  OW 23.

"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through; how you managed to survive.  You won't even be sure if the storm is really over.  But one thing is certain; when you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person that walked in...that's what this storm is all about."

"The trick is to enjoy life.  Don't wish away your days, waiting for better ones."

Offline Shocked

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #104 on: April 12, 2018, 03:50:50 PM »
Happy to hear your sounding better. Prayers still coming your way!!!
I care🤗
H 51
W 58
M 22 Years
2 AD both married from my first M
BD 12/15 moved out-in replay, vanisher, MOW in Atlanta
D 2/17

Online FearNot

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #105 on: April 12, 2018, 07:02:52 PM »
Ditto on what Shocked said! Hugs and Prayers FW!
M 46
H 39
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline Acorn

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #106 on: April 13, 2018, 03:10:08 AM »
Hi Faith, I had no doubt that you would bounce back after a dark moment of anger.  It was totally understandable that you were mad after all that you had to go through recently.

You are very resilient.  It is a gift and I’m glad you have it.  You may bend or fall but you rise again. 

Have a fabulous time ‘giving’ to your BF.  Such a lovely gesture from you to organize a surprise party for her... 

(((((HUGS))))))))
Feb 2015: H has a Nuclear meltdown.  A tear-fest.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Still home

Offline Silver

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #107 on: April 13, 2018, 04:00:45 AM »
Still following along Faith, you are an inspiration, releasing is difficult yet liberating.

Have a great party with BF!  :) 

"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline FaithWalkerTopic starter

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #108 on: April 16, 2018, 08:30:22 PM »
So S17 told me Thursday night that he doesn't want to come home.  He asked if I would be okay if he moved into his F's a little early, as he was already planning on doing so after we got back from our cruise.  He says that it's hard to be in the house and remember what he did.  I gave him a hug and told him that I loved him, but I'm not going to fight him on this.

I went to Bible Study for the first time since his hospital stay, and got some good support there.

Friday morning I was a mess.  I just couldn't keep it together.  I got it out to a few co-workers and then was able to put everything out of my mind and focus on work.  I realized later that it was the 2nd anniversary of D also, so that may have contributed to my mood.

Saturday I was in a better mind frame.  I went to kickboxing for the 3rd time this week and then finished up things for my BF's party.  Unfortunately, her H's dad made a blunder and got her suspicious, so she wasn't super surprised, but we all had a great time anyway, and she was still thrilled that we threw her a party.

Sunday, D15, S13 and I met D15's friend's Dad and Step-mom and their lovely blended family for a hike.  They get along crazy well with her Mom and Step-Dad, and brought her little sister along (who is the Mom and Step-Dad's child).  Apparently, if either couple goes out of town, they have the other one watch their kids, not just the Dad and Mom's kids, but Step-Mom's kids, and Mom and Step-Dad's kids.  It turned out to be a beautiful day and super warm for April, in the 70's.  We hiked the lovely Palisade Rim...

https://drscdn.500px.org/photo/103542427/q%3D80_m%3D2000/v2?webp=true&sig=681505a63c396b3bc4c070795cf0e29c99012d936caf3a4234d45a4806ebcbb3

We spent a couple hours hiking.  The river is super low, which is sad because normally in April it's full and scary and lots of snow melt and run off.  It's going to be a sad, hot summer I'm afraid.  I happened to have a paddle board in my car, so when we got back to the parking lot, the kids were all wading in the river so I blew up my paddle board and tested the water out.  Then I gave the kids all turns out in the water with me.  At one point I had D's friend on the front and D on the back and the 3 of us weighed it down to where the water was running up on us.  It was cold, but about what Ridgway Reservoir is in June, with the snow melt run-off, lol.  We managed to stay afloat, but my job was to keep the paddle board going in circles between the bridge and the group fishing, so that we didn't stray downstream, so I was doing a lot of upstream paddling.  It wasn't bad when I was by myself, but add a load of kids on there and it was a great workout.  I am so sore today!  We were supposed to go kickboxing tonight but I told my coworker that it will have to be tomorrow night, lol.  D15 was very animated after our hike.  I had to bribe S13 with ice cream at one of our favorite local places afterwards to get him to go, but once he went he said he enjoyed it.  D15 said we need to plan more outings and I agree with her.  It felt really good to get out there and enjoy our beautiful community.

We invited S17 on the hike, but when I got back to my vehicle he had texted that they had gotten back from camping after we had already left up the hill.  I miss him!   :'(  I had dinner with just him on Wednesday night, and that may be our new normal.

I have not heard a thing from xH since getting the kids last Sunday.  I kind of thought maybe he would check up on S17, but maybe he is texting him directly, which would be good.  Otherwise, he probably has returned to having his blinders on.

As far as xBF, I had texted with him a few times but just was getting this gut feeling about him being in his second childhood as well.  I have no problem being friends with him, but beyond that, he does not strike me as relationship material.

So, our focus right now is graduation, graduation party and little outings on the weekends the kids are around (and time with my friends on the weekends I'm alone  ;D).

 

M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9907.0#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline FaithWalkerTopic starter

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #109 on: April 20, 2018, 07:41:52 PM »
Hey everyone.  Things are still a bit of a struggle here.  S17 ditched part of school on Tuesday.  He told his teacher he was feeling ill and left all of his things there, but the counselor called me and said that they were worried because they'd searched the bathrooms and everywhere for him and he was nowhere to be found.

He was very vague when answering my texts and his Dad said that he had even turned his tracker off on his phone.  So frustrating.  It was a special week where those with good grades got out at 2 and the rest had to stay and work on getting their grades up.  Our plan was that he stay and do make-up work so that he could take his GF to prom.  They won't let him go to prom if he has a bad grade.  He finally called me and said he was heading back to the school, that his GF got out early and needed a ride.  I was NOT happy with him. 

Last night I was home alone watching tv as D15 and S13 were at xH's.  I got a text from S17's friend saying that they were all out hiking and S17 and his GF got in a fight and that he heard him tell her that he was mad that his attempt wasn't successful.  Then he started punching his car and his friend was worried about him and his mindset.  Thankfully my nephew17 was in the car with them as well.  I had his F track him and they dropped his GF off.  I had my B call his son in the car and get a read on the situation and then we had him ride all the way back to S17's F's house so that he would not be alone in the car, nephew17 lives 4 houses away from S17's F so he just walked home.  SIL called me this morning and relayed what nephew17 told her.  I guess she was throwing around offing herself and S17 yelled that he would too.  I feel like she is the cause of a lot of this mindframe and angst and that their relationship is toxic.  The stress of all of it is getting to me.

On the Monday after S17 got out of the mental health hospital, and my SIL had gone back home after staying with me, my MLCer B texted me to ask about S17.  When I texted him back an update and told him that I was off work he immediately called me.  I thought it was out of concern for S17, but he pretty much spent 3 hours on the phone with me spewing the usual MLCer crap.  It felt like a dark and twisty glimpse into my xH's head as he was saying a lot of the same things.  He acted like he and my SIL had talked about some things that myself and my SIL talked about and I guess something she said with our stories didn't match up and he mentioned that he caught her in a lie.  I told him that I was not going to take sides, and that I didn't want to be caught in the middle.  And that regardless of their R, she is still my sister and I love her.

My SIL had to go out of town for work and last weekend my M took the train to go stay with the boys while MLCer B worked.  This morning out of the blue I get a text from her.  "You do not need to respond to this.  I just wanted to let you know that SIL is really in need of prayer.  B has been making great progress.  Being able to work...stopping smoking...losing weight...getting back to fishing, etc. has all helped.  He is not having an affair.  He does not want an ugly divorce.  I try to listen and encourage.  Be careful to stay true to your B.  He needs your prayers and encouragement.  SIL has her own family and friends.  I love you and pray that you are doing well."

So, there's a glimpse into how the MLCers easily get their families on board with them.  They make it their mission to convince them whatever it is (they never loved us, they married too young, they married because we were pregnant, etc. etc.)  That messaged really bothered me.  I can love my B and still disagree with him.  And I can love my SIL, regardless of their relationship with one another.  And I'm not 12, she can't dictate who I'm friends or not with.  I'm so frustrated and feeling like now I'm getting dragged into that drama.  My SIL hasn't spoken to me since I was on the phone with my B, so he probably told her that he was on the phone with me and that I agreed with him.  Ugh.  I honestly didn't know what to think, but, like I said,  a lot of it sounded just like MLCer spew.  Regardless of whether she has flaws or issues she needs to work on.  I feel like he's just twisting her up and asking for all of these changes, you know, the usual MLCer work-up, and then when MC doesn't work, they drop the LBS like a hotcake.  My SIL and I are in similar situations.  He's upset because she told him if they get a D, she never wants to see him again.  And he's not okay with that.  Hello, MLCer B, there should be your first clue that you do feel something for her!  Have I said lately how much I HATE MLC!

I went to kickboxing again tonight and took my anger out on the bag, but this stress isn't helping me.  How strong do we have to be?  Some days I feel like I'm at breaking point.

Modified to add:  After kickboxing Wednesday night I drove S13 and D15 to xH's.  I texted him that we were headed that way and he responded that he was about 10 minutes away.  When he got there, S13 got out and headed into the house through the garage.  D15 was still sitting up front, so he opens the side door and sits in the seat in my vehicle behind D15.  We start having a conversation, which was bizarre because I either had to twist in my seat to look at him or just talked to him through my rear view mirror, lol.  D15 gets out and goes inside and he just continues to sit out in my vehicle talking to me.  So I shared with him some of the struggles with S17 and that I broke down on April 13th at work and the whole time I was wondering (does he know the 13th was our 2 year D-versary?)  I don't know how long he sat out there, but it was bizarre and yet comfortable at the same time.  It's hard to break the habit of talking to them like an old friend.  He had asked me if I was able to get the kids passports for our trip and I told him that I couldn't find S13's birth certificate and that between the stuff with S17 and kids dentist appointments, etc. I could not make it down to get a new one during their office hours.  So the very next morning I get a text from him that he went down and got a new copy for me.  He dropped it off while I was at kickboxing tonight when he came to get the kids from my house.  I don't pretend to know what is going on in his mind at any given time, but I'll take the kindness at face value and realize that in his mind, it may not mean anything at all.
« Last Edit: April 20, 2018, 07:54:57 PM by FaithWalker »
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9907.0#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

 

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