Author Topic: My Story The Heart Of The Matter  (Read 2022 times)

Offline FaithWalkerTopic starter

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My Story Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #20 on: March 07, 2018, 02:34:05 PM »
Thank you all.  I cried myself to sleep last night.  It's been a while since that has happened.  The images in my head were just on replay, over and over.  I talked to my work today about some of the free counseling sessions that are offered through work.  We are offered 6 free.  I wish I could talk about it more here, but it is really too awful and there needs to be some legal protection in place.  I feel like a different person today than I did when I woke up yesterday.  I'm crying writing this.

Everyone that knows has really made me feel better, but it's again, one of those things where unless someone has been in your shoes, they have no idea what it is like, they can only imagine.  Ugh, I hate being so cryptic.

I really hope that it is all behind me, but I honestly have no idea if the nightmare is over.

Meanwhile...like MLC, I just plod on each day putting one foot in front of the other. 

Thank you all for the prayers and hugs.  You all feel like family to me.
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9907.0#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #21 on: March 07, 2018, 06:57:01 PM »
Whatever it is/was I am so sorry that you are traveling on that path right now, FW. 

Prayer and support for you. 
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Online Mortesbride

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #22 on: March 08, 2018, 05:27:23 AM »
Sorry to hear you are going through a rough patch. I hope you get all the support you need. :(

Offline Mitzpah

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #23 on: March 08, 2018, 03:03:47 PM »
I tried to post earlier but the site was playing up.

I hope that you get the help and support you need - lean on the Lord, He knows all things and heals all wounds if you just let Him.

Just to say that I am here and praying for you.
M 56
H 56
S 26
S 24
D 23
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Offline FaithWalkerTopic starter

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #24 on: March 08, 2018, 09:49:43 PM »
Thank you SB, MB and Mitzpah.  I appreciate that.  I was able to share with a couple of my Bible Study ladies tonight.  They helped me work through it some more.  As the week is coming to a close, it looks like everything is going to be okay.  Continued prayers would be lovely.  I seem to be the only one in the involvement that is having a tough time dealing with it.

I am now off for 10 days and hoping to get a lot done in the next few.  Oil change and tire rotation (possibly some new tires too) for my vehicle, then packing and getting ready to leave Monday for Vegas.  My mom is coming to stay with my animals and look after the house.
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9907.0#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #25 on: March 09, 2018, 01:13:58 PM »
Hi FW. Sorry you were going through all that. I’m happy to hear things are getting better tho. I know when I have a particularly bad day, and I want to vent/share, the first thought that comes to mind is, “I wish I could tell H this stuff.” Not sure if that is an issue for you but if it is, I get it. We all do.

Hugs and prayers to you my friend.
Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #26 on: March 13, 2018, 07:54:31 PM »
Faith, I am sorry I have been AWOL on you my friend. This D has been all consuming. During my absence I see you have had a fall and a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. I am so sorry. Sending you light and love to see you through to sunnier days. ((Hugs))
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #27 on: March 14, 2018, 02:35:56 AM »
FW,

Sometimes we are the dog, sometimes we are the fire hydrant....

I'm glad to hear that things are slowly getting better and the light at the tunnel, is indeed the end and not another oncoming train...

I hope that you enjoy your "mini-vacation!"
Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer is initiating D

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline FaithWalkerTopic starter

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #28 on: March 16, 2018, 09:19:55 PM »
Hello all,

Back from vacation.  We had a wonderful time in Vegas, and a nice balance of activity mixed in with just enjoying the vacation timeshare together.  B and SIL basically had a separate apartment with an opening door between the two.  D15 and I shared a room and S12 and N13 shared the pull out couch.  B and SIL had a room and S17 and N17 shared a pull-out couch, which kept the B's on both sides from fighting all the time.  Win-win. 

After my family joined their family around 3pm Mon, we swam in the pools and then since it was my B's birthday and my S12 is soon to be S13, we went and had dinner and dessert at the Cheesecake Factory in Caeser's Palace.  We were able to catch a shuttle from our timeshare and walked around some shops at Harrah's and a bit on the strip after dinner, before we had to catch the last shuttle back to our timeshare at 10pm.  Which was great because I had been up late the night before last minute packing, plus the time change of Spring Forward and dragging the kids up and driving for 8 hours I was dusted and fell asleep fast.

Tue was the nicest day weather wise, so we drove out to Lake Meade and hiked the old railroad tunnels.  Pretty neat, but there was a sign that said not to hike Jun-Sep as the heat will kill you.  Then we drove up to the Hoover Dam.  The tour area was closed until tomorrow, and there were tons of people, so we just did a drive over, as the kids were all NOT wanting to get out of the car after we DRUG them on a hike.  Teenagers.   ::)  We drove back to Henderson and ate Five Guys Burgers and the boys got milkshakes.

Wed we used a groupon and played mini-golf (KISS themed - the rock band), followed by Pinball Hall of Fame for charity.  This guy opened a storefront with all these old pinball machines that take a quarter and he donates the money to the Salvation Army.  Talk about some nostalgia.  Pinball, Pac-Man, Punch-Out, Tetris, DK etc. etc.  We each got $5 in quarters and had a blast.  Then went to lunch at Raising Cane's (trying to choose places that we didn't have back home).  After we got back to the timeshare, SIL, D15 and I took off walking to the Miracle Mile shops and then ended up at the MGM where SIL and I had a groupon for gigantic Margarita's (I got Mango, she got Strawberry) and D15 had a Haagen-Daas Shake that looked divine.  Our "walk" lasted for 2 hours.  We cut through the MGM and jaywalked back to our timeshare, where SIL and I sat in the hot-tub with our fruity drink concoctions while waiting for Chinese Take-out to arrive.

Thu was kids choice day, and D15, S12 and N13 voted for an escape room, while S17 and N17 opted to do their own thing.  They lazed around the timeshare and then found their way to In-N-Out (which was the 2nd time to eat there as we had it on our drive out when we stopped in St. George.)  They talked about riding the New York Coaster, but changed their minds later.  The Escape Room was fun, and it redeemed a bit of my FOMO from last Summer when D15 and S12 went to Indiana with MLCer and GF and did an Escape Room.  My nephew did one in our town for a birthday party of a friend, but us 3 adults were noobs.  Turns out, the 6 of us make a good team.  The escape room scenario was called Double Crossed and we were hired by the warden to steal jewels, only he crossed us, put us in jail and hid the jewels in a safe in his office.  We started out with N13 handcuffed with one wrist to the wall and SIL, myself and D15 locked in one cell while S12 and B were in the other cell.  Using clues in the room we got nephew 13 to open the top locker, which held a key hidden in a bar of soap that unlocked our cell.  Using another clue, we freed the boys in the 2nd cell and more clues led us to a secret tunnel behind the sink in our cell, from there we had to use a toolbox of tools to figure out the code into the warden's office, the key to the toolbox was hidden in some pipes in the tunnel.  We had to arrange the tools just so to get the code for the lock and then the warden's office was a plethora of more clues to solve.  We escaped with 15 minutes to spare, but we ducked back in to solve the bonus puzzle, which was to get the jewels out of the safe.  It was a blast and I would do an Escape Room again!

Then we went to dinner at Ellis Island, where, while waiting for our table, SIL and I played slots for a bit.  I put in $5 and won $4 back by the time our table was ready.  That was the extent of my gambling in Vegas, ha!  Meanwhile, B was using his phone to play trivia with S12, N13 and D15 to entertain them while they waited.  We continued the game of trivia at the table and had a lot of fun.  I left SIL and B to gamble a bit on their own and the 3 kids and I walked back to our timeshare, where we met up with S17 and N17.  I ended the night with a glass of wine.

Today, we got up early and packed up and drove home, losing an hour of time with the change in time-zones on our way home.  Mom took good care of the pets while I was gone, except it looks like doggie's tear duct clogged and she must not have noticed as he needs groomed.   :-\  It looks red and a bit infected.  I cleaned it up, but might have to take him to the vet next week and get some eye medicine.  She was gone by the time we got home, to a funeral of her good school friend's husband and to spend time with her sister's in our home town 45 minutes away, but, it looks like the time between her leaving and our arrival wasn't too much that pupper couldn't hold his bladder, so that's good.  The rest of the weekend is catch up on laundry and re-coop time.

The vacation was MLC free, however, it did not stop me from thinking about H and MLCer.  Vegas was haunted by 2 trips that we took there, one with kids about 8 years ago and one without kids before that.  The escape room had me thinking of MLCer and last year's shenanigans in high replay.   :'(  And seeing the kids tagged in those pictures of him with someone else.  It still hurts.

On my way home, I had my 3rd encounter with a Covenant Truck.  For those who don't read Rejoice Marriage Ministries, I first heard about Covenant and Swift Trucks being used as a sign of hope for those standing for their marriage covenant (and that they will swiftly be brought home).  Where I live, I see Swift trucks all the time, and we all know that MLC (and Prodigals stopping running) doesn't always end Swiftly, so at the beginning of last Summer (or the Summer after the D, can't remember for sure) I was driving on the Interstate and saw a Swift truck.  I have NEVER seen a Covenant truck in our area.  I spoke out loud and said "Swift trucks don't really do it for me, God, but if I were to see a Covenant Truck, I would take that as a sign that I should continue to stand for my marriage."  Within about a minute, much to my surprise, a Covenant truck drove by.

Then last July when I was driving with SIL to get D15 and S12 from the airport, and SIL dropped the huge bomb about seeing that MLCer was engaged on FB, I was very quiet, but in my mind I was just in super shock and began to doubt that I had been called to stand.  Immediately after the doubt flickered through my mind, I look over and here comes a Covenant Transport truck.  Peace in that reassurance flooded over me (even though I still struggle with doubt sometimes, despite all the signs I've been given.)  God just knocks me upside the head with another one.  Anyway, we were leaving Vegas, and I look up to see that an exit is titled with MLCer's name.  Oh, lovely, there is a road with his name on it outside of Vegas.  Immediately I am flooded with thoughts of him (not that he is very far from my mind anyway), and like a flashing neon sign, here comes my 3rd Covenant Transport truck.  Then about a mile down the road, here comes another one, being tail-gated by a truck with H's family name on it!  Now, these could just be coincidences, but I think they are God-incidences.  Call me crazy if you'd like.  I wonder, have you had anything through your journey that seemed like God-incidences?  If you have followed me from the beginning, I've talked about some other's that have happened to me as well.  Today had me laughing and shaking my head.  Now if I could actually see some manifestation of my promises, that would be nice.

Oh, I forgot to mention, MLCer baked muffins and had a bag of them for me to take on our trip when I picked up the kids on Sunday night.  I thought that was very sweet.  What I wanted to say was that we would miss him (H, not MLCer) and wished that he wouldn't have blown things up so that we could all be going on this trip together. 

Not a peep from MLCer after Sunday, but MIL texted to tell us to have a good trip and safe drive.  I texted her a courtesy "we made it to...," and she has been liking our posts on FB.  She texted again today to ask when we were heading home and to tell us to have a safe drive home.  I again gave her a courtesy "we arrived home safely."
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9907.0#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline Strongcurrent

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Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #29 on: March 17, 2018, 02:45:54 AM »
Hi FW

Lovely reading along your vacation in las Vegas.

I had to smile , ExH and I were married in Vegas nearly 20 years ago and we were on a roadie - it was a 14 hour day to get there and we were both tired but remember looking up on the way into Vegas and saw my ExH name on an exit sign and then followed by name on the next exit sign ... Wonder if they are the same ones you were talking about ??

Take care
Sc x

 

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