Author Topic: My Story My story isn't over yet!  (Read 1617 times)

Offline FearNotTopic starter

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My Story My story isn't over yet!
« on: March 12, 2018, 08:21:11 PM »
Welcome to my new thread! This is the song that I have been listening to lately, once again, not everybody's genre but it speaks to me! Warning it's long :)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bvjph0gOKO4

I chose the line for my title from the lyrics of the song, because my story isn't over yet! Really, it's only the beginning, because the marriage I once had is no longer. And the man I love is no longer, that man, but the ending hasn't been written yet. I don't know how this will turn out, but I do know that I am stronger than I was a couple months ago. My faith has grown tenfold and I have already experienced some of the good things that this has brought, along with the heartache. Often when I listen to this song, I think of it as a prayer. My SIL sent it to me on one of my rough days!!

Thank you all for the support on my last thread!

Link to previous thread http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9789.0


Thunder-"If he wants to get a D, just do absolutely nothing to help him.  Nothing!  But prepare yourself."  This is absolutely my plan!!

If-  "Now looking back I think I moved too fast and even with just an agreement I can tell h thinks that is permanent!  Once h got that in his head - he feels free to do what he wants. That’s just my opinion and the way I’m seeing things.  I listened to everyone who kept giving me horror stories on the worst that could happen financially- but I think I could have protected myself better with a few smart moves and waiting it out.  My lawyer was not pro marriage and I’m glad you will be speaking to one that may be. " - Thank you for sharing your experience. I do feel that it is a bit of a gamble. I feel like if I drag my heels a little on this, it will buy me time. H will be getting very busy with work shortly and be away a lot. He won't have the time to put much effort into this for a few months and that will just benefit me.

"I see FN being presented with similar challenges to me and I want to protect her like she was my daughter lol - trying to give her a fighting chance for a future with her h. Not that I do not think you are capable FN - I think you are doing an amazing job with your actions and your GAL! I’m just letting you know what happened to me in case you wish to do the opposite for better results - although nothing is guaranteed. I too am a better person since this has happened so God works in mysterious ways." - Thank you so much for this! I can't even express what I felt when I read this. God does work in mysterious ways, cuz he brought you too my thread  :) I am truly blessed to have cyber friends that care this much!! Big Hugs!

Family- It always helps to hear what others have been through and try to learn from it. There is no right or wrong here, just trying to make the best decisions we can for ourselves. It helps to hear that others felt the same pressure that H is putting on me. Thank you for sharing.

Treasur- some things I pick up quick, other things... not so much. Lol!! I'm trying though, and there has been such a wealth of knowledge shared on here as well as your own thread!!

Update

I had my half hour phone consult today and I think it went pretty well. The lady I spoke with was very upfront about the reality of the situation, finances etc and gave me some good information. Her opinion is too let him file as well, ride it out. Although if certain things happen, like not paying bills etc. or massive spending that it would be time to put the wheels in motion. She said mediation is a possibility but that I want to be sure that I have legal counsel before agreeing to any of it. Even though H thinks it's very simple (just deal with the house) it is far from that. There are many factors that come into play. I felt good about talking to her,  and am glad that she is not pushy at all about retaining her, and filing for D.  It certainly brought up some emotions. I never thought that is a conversation I would ever have to have, let alone the ones that might follow. But the reality of the situation is, it could very well happen. It was a bit of a rough day thinking about that, but like my title says... my story isn't over yet!

Thank you all for for the positive support about my convo with H, even though R talk isn't suggested. Thank you all for the candidness about what you have experienced about dealing with separation and D and your thoughts in the aftermath, on both my thread and your own.

Hugs and Prayers
FN
« Last Edit: March 12, 2018, 08:24:26 PM by FearNot »
M 46
H 39
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Online Thunder

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #1 on: March 12, 2018, 09:58:34 PM »
What a beautiful song, FearNot.

Attaching.
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline If_only

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #2 on: March 12, 2018, 11:04:25 PM »
Attaching and always supporting!

Offline sampsed

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #3 on: March 13, 2018, 04:20:21 AM »
Still following your story. You are doing well. Keep your chin up
https://affaircare.com/the-180/

No matter what....find a positive...no matter how small it is there is always a positive.

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out same day to be with OW (EA become PA approx. 2 mos prior)
BY 1966
H BY 1966
Married 32.5 years
Together 35 years
D - 1989 Married with 2 children, living locally
S -  1991 Professional School living across Country  - Still relies on us for support
3 Dogs - 1 was his baby that he left behind
Standing
No legal action yet
3/5/18 OW moved to another State  H moved in with F  
3/19/18  H moved home and is living in spare room  Reason:  Wasn't happy living with F and had an urge to want to be Home.  OW moved out of State.  They are still communicating.

Offline FearNotTopic starter

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #4 on: March 13, 2018, 04:15:31 PM »
Thank you Thunder, If and samsed!!

Today was a good day! A busy one but good. Work is getting really busy for me, which is a good distraction. I am going to wait until the end of March and see what comes of H's situation. See if actually moves out of our buddy's place. I am good with the information I received yesterday and am going to keep as a tool in my toolbox. As of right now, I am not going to file for separation, as I feel that might cause him to think that I am on board with his decision to separate and eventually pursue divorce.

Off to get some work done!!

Hugs N Prayers
FN!
M 46
H 39
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline Kitty

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #5 on: March 13, 2018, 07:35:18 PM »
Tagging along FN. You sound like you've got your ducks in a row. I'm still curious to see if your H moves back in despite it being awkward. Hugs!
Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 11.5
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 - Legal separation signed, and I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Offline sampsed

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #6 on: March 14, 2018, 08:19:18 AM »
Hoping today is another good day for you!  Take care of you!
https://affaircare.com/the-180/

No matter what....find a positive...no matter how small it is there is always a positive.

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out same day to be with OW (EA become PA approx. 2 mos prior)
BY 1966
H BY 1966
Married 32.5 years
Together 35 years
D - 1989 Married with 2 children, living locally
S -  1991 Professional School living across Country  - Still relies on us for support
3 Dogs - 1 was his baby that he left behind
Standing
No legal action yet
3/5/18 OW moved to another State  H moved in with F  
3/19/18  H moved home and is living in spare room  Reason:  Wasn't happy living with F and had an urge to want to be Home.  OW moved out of State.  They are still communicating.

Offline If_only

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #7 on: March 15, 2018, 09:15:14 AM »
Keep up the good work FearNot!  I just read once again from one of the blogs of a MLC expert to keep your house no matter what if possible and offer him a room - just like you have done!!
I guess financial considerations must be kept in mind as well though,   Anyways sending support to you!
Hugs: IF
« Last Edit: March 15, 2018, 09:45:20 AM by If_only »

Offline FearNotTopic starter

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #8 on: March 16, 2018, 07:31:56 AM »
Hey Peeps!

Quick update! The week has been a busy one putting in OT! I had messaged H on Monday as I needed some account information regarding a bill to be paid. I finally managed to convince the company to provide what I needed so that I could set it up for online banking, when I didn't hear back from him. Yesterday afternoon, I had come to the conclusion that he had  left the "couples" app that we use. Lo and behold, 3 days later, he actually answered. Told me that he didn't get the message until then  :o. Okaaay?!?!?  But yet again, I got caught in making an assumption, and was wrong! Still working on that! We had a casual chat about how our days were going and that was that. I'm good with that. At least it wasn't the spewing that I have mainly received  :)

I had a visit with SIL...more about that later.

Today, I am working a half day, then heading with a friend to a fundraiser at an NHL game tonight. It's for woman, includes dinner, champs, guest speaker and the hockey game. It should be a good time!! Looking forward to a little road trip . Hope everyone is doing ok. I think of you all often throughout the day, but haven't really had a chance to pop on and see what's up! Much love and big hugs. Hope you all have a good weekend, and I'm going to try catch up on everyone later this weekend.

Hugs N Prayers, FN
M 46
H 39
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline Kitty

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #9 on: March 16, 2018, 07:59:11 AM »
Enjoy your ladies night FN. I only watch hockey when my N9 is playing it, although I might have to pay more attention since it seems he is really getting into it. ;D
Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 11.5
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 - Legal separation signed, and I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #10 on: March 17, 2018, 09:22:08 AM »
Hey FN!  Back from my vacation and getting caught up.  Beautiful song!  I hope you had fun at your function last night.   :)
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9907.0#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline FamilyIsMyGoal

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #11 on: March 19, 2018, 06:54:20 AM »
Ach! FN, I lost you for awhile!  I didn't realize you started a new thread.  So glad to hear you had the consultation.  Helps to put a little ground under your feet after you've been tossed out in space by MLCers. 

You sound great and Thank God we have each other to help navigate through the craziness of MLC land where everyday is opposite day. 
Divorce Bomb August 6, 2017
Married 19 years
Together 22 years
Physically separated - he's 15 miles away
Two Teenage boys
Me: 54
H 58
OW? I don't know - probably plural

Offline FearNotTopic starter

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #12 on: March 19, 2018, 11:43:47 AM »
Hey Family! Glad to see you back :)

Update


So the fundraiser was fun. I had to use my people skills, as the friend I attended with, had a lot of people she knew via her work and I go abandoned a few times ;). The guest speaker was good, she was talking about how we need to deal with shame and  guilt in order to move on in life. Say What?!?!? Did she get a special notification I was coming. Lol. Actually it was tough to not get emotional during her talk, as it really resonated with me. Hockey game was good, drinks were good, food was good, the little break was great!

 On the way home on Saturday I received a text from H that he will be over tonight to look at someones remote starter. I was surprised to hear from him on the weekend. Said thanks for letting me know and asked how his St. Patty's day was. He told me he was already into the green beer. Asked what i was up to, said driving back from the event, have some work to catch up, not sure if I would be celebrating it or not. He wished me safe travels and I left it at that.

So about the visit with SIL. It seems like the more I visit with her, the more comes up about their childhood. I have always thought that H had some issues to deal with from then, but I really didn't understand the magnitude of dysfunction that went on. He never really shared that, made it seem a lot less than it apparently was. That makes me sad. I also found out that alcohol abuse is a problem that runs in the family. His grandfather on his paternal side was an alcoholic and his dad has had issues in the past, but has been able to generally manage them. ( I had no idea about his Dad!). To me this is concerning but also validating as his alcohol consumption definitely increased prior to this all happening, and is certainly playing a part in his day to day now. MIL and FIL are having some issues with MIL mental health, meds, and FIL who retired less than 2 years ago is looking for a job due to financial issues. It makes it more understandable why they are not really dealing with H and his crap that he's tossing around. FIL attitude is that they should stay out if it, therefore no contact with me, and MIL doesn't agree, so it's creating issues there. I just said I wouldn't be contacting them. They know where to find me. I'm not here to cause problems. :( I have to admit that it does hurt to hear that.

SIL also text me last night. She hadn't really communicated with H for the last while. She is struggling with what he is doing and is having a hard time finding common ground. She said she asked him if he thought of me. He replied "Of course we were together a long time." She had then mentioned that she hoped he'd be willing to work on the relationship, that I really love him, and a marriage is worth fighting for. She received the MLC spew back about how he can't live in a love less marriage, and can't do things to make everyone else happy etc. She didn't tell me all of it, but I can only imagine. I told her that I would expect nothing less. He's not in that head space. He's wrapped up with Vicodin and has freedom right now and that constitutes as happiness. She said she replied saying that she loves him, can't support some of his choices, and is praying for him multiple times a day. She was so disappointed. I felt terrible for her.

Yesterday I took the day to myself. No working or housecleaning. I worked on a couple wreaths that I make and generally relaxed. I'm saying my prayers that his little drop in goes smoothly tonight.
M 46
H 39
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #13 on: March 19, 2018, 04:23:55 PM »
I don't think our MLCers understand how very many people are affected by their selfish decisions.  It does have a domino effect that they cannot fathom.  Friends and family both.  So sad.
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9907.0#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline FamilyIsMyGoal

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #14 on: March 21, 2018, 06:14:21 AM »
I'm glad you have your SIL to help you see that it's not you, it's him that is crazy.

  I struggle with that, but I am also grateful that my H's one set of cousins have really reached out to me (no one else in the family seems to want to touch it) and that soothes my soul.  In the beginning I felt tossed out like yesterdays garbage by his whole family.

So interesting about the dysfunction he grew up with and that he never really shared with you. 

How did the drop in go? Did you have to see him?
Divorce Bomb August 6, 2017
Married 19 years
Together 22 years
Physically separated - he's 15 miles away
Two Teenage boys
Me: 54
H 58
OW? I don't know - probably plural

Offline Schratz66

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #15 on: March 21, 2018, 10:24:07 AM »
Fear, glad you had a good time at the fundraiser. Isn't it odd that the in-laws will act like we are the trouble makers instead facing the fact that its their own flesh and blood that's causing the havoc? But I guess it is easier to blame others and then you wonder where H got his FOO from :)
I'm glad your SIL is on your side at least
Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline FearNotTopic starter

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #16 on: March 21, 2018, 11:33:01 AM »
I don't think our MLCers understand how very many people are affected by their selfish decisions.  It does have a domino effect that they cannot fathom.  Friends and family both.  So sad.
I totally agree FW! A huge ripple effect!

I'm glad you have your SIL to help you see that it's not you, it's him that is crazy. Thank goodness, because some days I question my sanity!!

  I struggle with that, but I am also grateful that my H's one set of cousins have really reached out to me (no one else in the family seems to want to touch it) and that soothes my soul.  In the beginning I felt tossed out like yesterdays garbage by his whole family. I'm glad that my SIL has reached out, but I do feel this from the rest of the family. I am trying to understand, but  it's tough when they were like parents to myself as well

So interesting about the dysfunction he grew up with and that he never really shared with you.  THIS... This is because they all pretend that nothing ever happened in their family. My SIL is the only one who seems to really be able to acknowledge that it wasn't good and there are issues to be dealt with. The rest choose to believe it never happened or just can't face it, the little my H did mention was definitely played down!!

How did the drop in go? Did you have to see him? I'll update below!

Fear, glad you had a good time at the fundraiser. Isn't it odd that the in-laws will act like we are the trouble makers instead facing the fact that its their own flesh and blood that's causing the havoc? But I guess it is easier to blame others and then you wonder where H got his FOO from :)
I'm glad your SIL is on your side at least
I am glad that I have my SIL so that I could at least realize that there really is FOO issues. I really had no idea of the scope of it. I think his family has a really hard time accepting that this too, does not fit their idea of the perfect life they want to believe is happening. It forces them to realize that there are issues. They don't like that!

Update!

Work is complete insanity!! I am putting in a lot of OT (yay dollars) but it's long hours and takes it's toll to some degree. I'm trying to remember to take some time for me each day, to do the things I need to do to stay grounded.

The drop in with H went well. He was there already when I got home from work. Sitting on the couch watching TV. It felt like any other day pre BD coming home from work, except that it is now post BD. It was such a weird feeling and I felt really sad when he left. I had a moment in time where I felt like nothing had changed  :'(.We chatted about our days. I kept it light and friendly. I offered him some soup that was ready, but didn't dish it up or make a move to eat with him. I had work to do, so I went about my business. He never answered me about the soup. He did his quick remote starter repair, came in to say goodbye and say he would still do my taxes :o.

The following morning I received texts from him asking about a certain spicy pasta I used to buy, where he could get it. I told him they no longer carry it. In the app we use we have these bear emojis that we have always used. I used to call him  "H Bear" all the time. These were our "thing". So he sends me the "sad bear" emoji. I wrote back, geez haven't seen that sad bear in a long time. He replied, saying "ya for sure, this one has always been my favorite" and send the bear with the broken leg with the stuffing coming out. That's the emoji I would send when he'd say he was on his way home from a work trip or anything pertaining to good news, because the bear was doing the "happy dance" for whatever reason and wiped out (our creative meaning that we created for it). I was totally shocked that he said that. I then said ya, that's always been my favorite too! Casual chit chat followed and that was that.

The messaging was so strange to have happen. I was happy that it was positive. I realize that it has no bearing (no pun intended) on whether or not he is moving back at the end of March. I realize it might have just been a good day, but I will take it and be happy, that I saw a glimpse of the good man I married.

Still no word on what he actually plans to do at the end of the month. I'm not going to ask. I tried to make it as comfortable and casual as possible when he was there, in hopes that it helps dispel his idea that it will be so awkward. (which it still would be). But I feel like if he was in our home, in might just be a tiny bit of a move in a positive direction. I know it does not mean that it is all over, MLC is done, he's back blah blah blah. It just gives me a tiny glimmer of hope and he's not living with Vicodin (who by the way has ceased posting on FB for any reason for over 2 weeks, including work?!?!? Little strange). It is funny though, when I stopped checking daily... she stopped posting... Lol.  I think this is one of those "not such a coincidence after all" antennae moments, as was the positive interaction  ;D. Thanks to the "Big Guy" upstairs, whom I have had many long chats with about all of this!!

 
M 46
H 39
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline sampsed

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #17 on: March 21, 2018, 11:51:02 AM »
FN,

Hope things work out and H comes home. 

My H is trying a trial return home right now.  It is a different type of stress and anxiety right now.  I am the one walking on egg shells but that is my choice for now.  I am working on my confidence given the change of events that brought him home.

Start to mentally prepare yourself in case he does come home....also in case he doesn't.


So glad there was a positive communication opportunity with your H!  Hope it continues.  Stay strong for you right now! 
https://affaircare.com/the-180/

No matter what....find a positive...no matter how small it is there is always a positive.

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out same day to be with OW (EA become PA approx. 2 mos prior)
BY 1966
H BY 1966
Married 32.5 years
Together 35 years
D - 1989 Married with 2 children, living locally
S -  1991 Professional School living across Country  - Still relies on us for support
3 Dogs - 1 was his baby that he left behind
Standing
No legal action yet
3/5/18 OW moved to another State  H moved in with F  
3/19/18  H moved home and is living in spare room  Reason:  Wasn't happy living with F and had an urge to want to be Home.  OW moved out of State.  They are still communicating.

Offline same33

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #18 on: March 21, 2018, 12:13:37 PM »
Hello FN. I'm continuously surprised by the information and encouragement coming from my SIL. She has filled me in on more and more of their childhood which is making so much sense to me now. I know that W has not dealt with any of that as she never brings it up. She's never wanted to discuss anything other than, "my father was an abusive @$$hole" and that is that. It's certainly nice that you have reassurance from H's family. We know it's not us. But it's still nice to hear, right?
M-44
W-41
S12, S9, S7
Married 9/25/2004
13 years of marriage
BD#1- December 22, 2014
BD#2- January 2, 2018
Standing for my marriage

Offline FamilyIsMyGoal

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #19 on: March 22, 2018, 08:43:26 AM »
Good for you FearNot!  You kept your composure, your cool and I'm sure your emotions were roiling.  It is extra hard when our old H returns and it feels like old times.  For me that's the most difficult to recover from.    With my marriage there was a lot of negative stuff going on as well as the positive so it's different. But it sounds like you are on the right track. 

It's interesting, my H has never really talked at all in depth about his father.  But from what everyone says he was a real jerk.  And he died when my H was around 30.  You would think after all this time, H would have learned to forgive him and have some compassion or something, but he just says negative things about him. Which leads me to believe there was a lot more going on than I ever realized.  I find it so strange when people are not willing to talk about stuff and really come to terms with FOO issues. 

I'm so glad your work is busy and you're getting the big bucks!  More trips to Mexico, maybe?  8)  Yay!  You sound great xoxox
Divorce Bomb August 6, 2017
Married 19 years
Together 22 years
Physically separated - he's 15 miles away
Two Teenage boys
Me: 54
H 58
OW? I don't know - probably plural

Offline Kitty

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #20 on: March 22, 2018, 08:49:18 AM »
Glad to hear you had a positive chat with your H, FN. You handled the interaction fantastically. Take the good days as they come, and keep kicking butt. ;D
Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 11.5
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 - Legal separation signed, and I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Offline FearNotTopic starter

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #21 on: March 23, 2018, 11:54:22 AM »
Hey my HS Peeps! This week has flown by and I haven't had much of a chance to be on here. I miss it!

Glad to hear you had a positive chat with your H, FN. You handled the interaction fantastically. Take the good days as they come, and keep kicking butt. ;D
Thank you Kitty your support is always appreciated!

Good for you FearNot!  You kept your composure, your cool and I'm sure your emotions were roiling.  It is extra hard when our old H returns and it feels like old times.  For me that's the most difficult to recover from.    With my marriage there was a lot of negative stuff going on as well as the positive so it's different. But it sounds like you are on the right track. 
I was kind of taken off guard by it, as I am more prepared to deal with the H I don't know, then the one I do!! I was a little surprised by the mixed emotions I felt from it. I always thought I would just be happy if I could just see some of the old H.

It's interesting, my H has never really talked at all in depth about his father.  But from what everyone says he was a real jerk.  And he died when my H was around 30.  You would think after all this time, H would have learned to forgive him and have some compassion or something, but he just says negative things about him. Which leads me to believe there was a lot more going on than I ever realized.  I find it so strange when people are not willing to talk about stuff and really come to terms with FOO issues.
Forgiveness is a tough thing. It took me a long time to forgive my Dad after he passed away, for the issues from childhood. It was a long tough road, but I'm glad I made it. I don't get why people won't talk either, but it seems to be the norm. It certainly doesn't benefit them in the long run!!

I'm so glad your work is busy and you're getting the big bucks!  More trips to Mexico, maybe?  8)  Yay!  You sound great xoxox
I hope so and thanks Family!


Hello FN. I'm continuously surprised by the information and encouragement coming from my SIL. She has filled me in on more and more of their childhood which is making so much sense to me now. I know that W has not dealt with any of that as she never brings it up. She's never wanted to discuss anything other than, "my father was an abusive @$$hole" and that is that. It's certainly nice that you have reassurance from H's family. We know it's not us. But it's still nice to hear, right?
I couldn't agree more. Yes it is nice to hear for SIL and have her support and encouragement, especially when the rest of the family seems to have written me off for the moment. I kinda feels like grade school in a way... I can't be friends with you, because your friends with blah, blah, blah. I know it's more complicated that, but it "feels" like that to some degree. That's awesome that you are receiving support from your SIL as well!


FN,

Hope things work out and H comes home.  Saying my prayers!!

My H is trying a trial return home right now.  It is a different type of stress and anxiety right now.  I am the one walking on egg shells but that is my choice for now.  I am working on my confidence given the change of events that brought him home. Caught up on your thread! SO happy for you and proud of you. You're doing awesome.

Start to mentally prepare yourself in case he does come home....also in case he doesn't. I think I am more mentally prepared for the not coming home, than for the coming home. I actually try to not really think about it. If it happens, God will give me what I need to figure it out, not without struggle I'm sure though.



Update

Not much to report really. Still working like mad. Haven't had a chance to spend much time here, or really think much about my situation. I did remove myself from our joint Auto insurance policy, as H requested. Texted to let him know it was done, and he said thanks. That's about all that's happened with him this week. I have finally received what I need for him to do my taxes, but I haven't let him know that yet. Not sure why I'm stalling. (Ok truthfully, probably because it's the only reason I have to contact him, and I don't want to use it up right away.) :-[ Planning to catch up with more of you on the weekend! So many new threads!!

Hugs N Prayers
FN
M 46
H 39
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline FearNotTopic starter

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #22 on: March 28, 2018, 11:18:28 AM »
So today H messaged that he was coming to pick up the package he received on the weekend. He was going to be at the house this morning while I was at work. ( Not sure why he wasn't going to be at work). According to our handy dandy alarm app (now being used to my advantage  ::))the house was disarmed at 9:20 AM. He opened the garage door at 9:25 and closed it right away. At 9:30 the front door is opened and closed right away. Then at 10:30 the door is opened and closed right away. He leaves at 11. I have know idea who or if he really let anyone in and I am trying really hard not to make assumptions about this ( I really am trying 1P  :).) But my monkey brain is creating a number of scenarios on who exactly he let into our house and what transpired.  :o. I have been saying my prayers... I really don't want to go home and find any evidence that he had the OW in our house for a rendezvous.

He then messaged to comment on the stew recipe I left on the counter!?!? I messaged back saying "Yup looking forward to trying it. Got everything you needed this morning?" Haven't received a reply.

Just needed to vent.
M 46
H 39
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline Schratz66

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #23 on: March 28, 2018, 11:46:05 AM »
Hmm...that is odd, but I wouldn't waste my time on figuring out who or what was there.
Maybe he just stepped outside for something and came back in. Do not assume that the OW was at your house until you have concrete proof. It's not worth your peace of mind fear.
But, I am glad he had time to check around and notice a stew recipe :)
Loved your reply to that

 
Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Kitty

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #24 on: March 28, 2018, 12:25:28 PM »
This is where I'm kind of happy I'm the one that moved out. It's bad enough to know Grumpy has had the OW at the house since I left. But I think if I had to think about him bringing her to the house and he had moved out and I stayed...



It's best not to assume anything FearNot. If it bothers you that much, maybe you should get a nanny cam or something. And your comment to his message about the stew recipe on the counter was good.

Stay strong FearNot!
Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 11.5
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 - Legal separation signed, and I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Offline FearNotTopic starter

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #25 on: March 28, 2018, 04:43:49 PM »
Thanks S66 and Kitty! You are both right that it's not worth the peace of mind. No point really in a camera, those are images that I just don't want to see! Lol! Still no reply on my message  ::). Love the meme Kitty! It was absolutely perfect!! I needed that!

There wasn't any clues besides my slippers being moved at the front door so someone could put their shoes on the rug and new fingerprints on the glass kitchen table. My next best guess is that he perhaps had a realtor in for an appraisal but I don't know that for sure. It certainly doesn't look like anything else transpired. A few more clothes are gone from the closet, but that's it. Everything else is in it's a place (bit of a neat freak, so easy to tell if things were moved).  :)

Guess I'll see if he ever answers the text.

Time to let it go and let God and get some more work done.
M 46
H 39
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline If_only

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #26 on: March 28, 2018, 10:07:50 PM »
FN. -  every time I see a new post on your thread, I am always hopeful.   Hopefully, he didn’t get a realtor in but they do some very underhanded stuff you would never expect since you knew them in their past life. This is a whole - not-so-whole- different person.
I’m sure you will hear something soon.

Hugs
If
« Last Edit: March 28, 2018, 10:08:52 PM by If_only »

Offline FearNotTopic starter

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #27 on: March 29, 2018, 09:24:44 AM »
So he did bring a realtor in for an appraisal as per his return text this morning. I replied " I figured as much. Any particular reason you felt I shouldn't be included in that?"

H response " Because you specifically told me that you didn't want to be involved and I have to do everything. I've been trying to get you to participate  but you have been adamant about me having to do all the work. That is why"

I have yet to respond. As a typical MLC'er he has skewed what I said to meet his needs. I haven't come up with a way to explain to this to him that he would get. Yes I told him it was up to him, but being shady, knowing full well why H was going to the house, was just a d@ck move. Does he not realize that I would have to be involved with selling the house? That because I put it back on him, he therefore no longer needs to communicate what he is doing regarding it? Childish!
 
Grrrr. Any advice or wisdom is welcome. I'm waiting to respond.
M 46
H 39
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline If_only

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #28 on: March 29, 2018, 09:48:52 AM »
FN that is what my h did in the beginning and I ended up signing over to him which I do believe was not a great move. I hope someone with some knowledge can help you with your response as actually you don’t have to sell unless specified by a separation or  divorce agreement I do not think.   I wouldn’t want to say that either as it may push him to get that done. If you can financially hold on to the house yourself - that would be great!  He may be able to force the sale eventually but it gives you TIME for now.  They always think they know what hey want but if you go along with it - it just lets him withdraw quicker in my view.

Good luck and Big Hugs : IF
« Last Edit: March 29, 2018, 09:49:54 AM by If_only »

Offline Schratz66

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #29 on: March 29, 2018, 10:15:00 AM »
Well, at least it wasn't the OW - sorry, Fear - just trying to see the bright side in this mess.

I would wait a day and then if you still need to reply, just say, "I think I would like to be involved in the sale of the house as I need to protect my financial interests. I apologize if there was some confusion about that"

Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline FearNotTopic starter

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #30 on: March 29, 2018, 11:22:37 AM »
Thank If and S66. I am going to wait to reply due to my lunchtime encounter with him just now.

I ran to our local soup and sandwich place to grab a soup for lunch. Turned the corner and saw H car in the parking lot. My first thought was to skip lunch. Then I thought no... go in be friendly, you got this. So I did. I went in, initiated the hello to H and his co worker that I know. His response was " Oh Hi!"  Then proceeded to act like we didn't know each other. 3 months ago we were discussing buying a painting in that very same shop, now he doesn't know me . Could've just been some tramp he ran into somewhere not that we had spent the last 11 damn years of our life together. He walked out with out saying good-bye or anything for that matter. I came back to work and had a major meltdown. I don't even have words to describe how that felt.  :'(
M 46
H 39
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline If_only

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #31 on: March 29, 2018, 11:39:29 AM »
Oh FN - I feel so bad for you and I can actually feel for you.  I was always worried about that too and I am glad you initiated the hello.  One good thing is the OW wasn’t there.  I am glad you got through it but in the end you really don’t know this version of him so that is why it was awkward I think.  He will cone through this crisis and I hope sooner than later!

Hugs if
« Last Edit: March 29, 2018, 11:41:09 AM by If_only »

Offline same33

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #32 on: March 29, 2018, 11:39:37 AM »
Holy ouch! I hate some of the things the LBS has to go through. It so brutal. It's so unfair. I't so heartbreaking. Big hugs to you, FN!
M-44
W-41
S12, S9, S7
Married 9/25/2004
13 years of marriage
BD#1- December 22, 2014
BD#2- January 2, 2018
Standing for my marriage

Offline Kitty

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #33 on: March 29, 2018, 12:10:54 PM »
I'm sorry FN.  :'(

I'm with If_only, in that is was a good thing the OW wasn't there too.
Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 11.5
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 - Legal separation signed, and I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Offline sampsed

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #34 on: March 29, 2018, 12:17:28 PM »
It's ok to have your melt down.

Hope you are feeling better soon!
https://affaircare.com/the-180/

No matter what....find a positive...no matter how small it is there is always a positive.

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out same day to be with OW (EA become PA approx. 2 mos prior)
BY 1966
H BY 1966
Married 32.5 years
Together 35 years
D - 1989 Married with 2 children, living locally
S -  1991 Professional School living across Country  - Still relies on us for support
3 Dogs - 1 was his baby that he left behind
Standing
No legal action yet
3/5/18 OW moved to another State  H moved in with F  
3/19/18  H moved home and is living in spare room  Reason:  Wasn't happy living with F and had an urge to want to be Home.  OW moved out of State.  They are still communicating.

Offline Ms.MovingOn

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #35 on: March 29, 2018, 12:33:40 PM »
Thank you for posting your story! It has been very helpful to me.  I know exactly how you felt.  I have had many meltdowns in my shower where he can't hear.  I am proud of you! I find that I feel much better after I get it out.  I then have to give myself a pep talk and get on with my life....until the next breakdown.

Offline Schratz66

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #36 on: March 29, 2018, 12:44:30 PM »
Ugh Fear - I am ready to have a meltdown for you.
This MLC stuff is crazy - my worst fear that I would run into H because I know for certain that I could keep it together while seeing him, but would lose my mind afterwards in epic proportions.
And it has to be the MLC stuff, because a normal long term relationship that would dissolve, the two parties would still be civil with each other.
It just blows my mind that they act like they have never met us, that we have not seen them looking like crap with snot dripping out of their noses and bringing them chicken soup, like we don't know they are deathly afraid of beetles  ---  we have seen them at their most pathetic and yet they pretend we never met.

I am so very sorry that that is how your day went Fear. Extra hugs for you.
Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Reinventing

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #37 on: March 30, 2018, 05:18:07 AM »
I had so many meltdowns and cried so much, I considered myself a professional cryer. I could cry anywhere at a moment's notice.

So sorry, it is very tough. Please know that it does get better.

Offline FamilyIsMyGoal

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #38 on: March 30, 2018, 09:57:31 AM »
Just catching up FearNot, I've been working a lot this week, so I haven't been able to be on the forum as much as I have wanted.  Lots of hugs.  You are doing great despite your MLC H's d*ck moves!  It's truly incomprehensible, so an occasional melt down is warranted.  I usually feel better after one of those.  It may take a couple of days, but it's all part of the process.  xoxoxo
Divorce Bomb August 6, 2017
Married 19 years
Together 22 years
Physically separated - he's 15 miles away
Two Teenage boys
Me: 54
H 58
OW? I don't know - probably plural

Offline FearNotTopic starter

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #39 on: March 30, 2018, 09:26:10 PM »
Thank you each and everyone of you for your kind words, support and hugs! Much needed yesterday! I am glad it wasn't Vicodin that was with him as well!

H had messaged me after our encounter, apologizing for the awkwardness ( I guess that's the new term for ignoring) and that he would've stuck around to chat but his coworker was waiting on him. ::). I haven't replied to that message either.

 The coworker that was with him is a young kid, super nice, he's hung out with H and I together. He came to our co hosted epic Canada Day Meatfest Extravaganza (A friend is an amazing cook who makes anywhere from 9-15 mini courses of delightful things). We really like you if you got an invite . ;) Funny thing is, about 2 weeks ago, this coworker FB messaged me a pic of something that reminded him of me at that event and what a great memory it was. Just wanted me to know I crossed his mind, and wanted to say hello and ask how I've been. I thanked him for his nice message, told him I've been good and hoped he was doing well. I think it's interesting he was the one with him.... and that H used him as the excuse. Pretty sure H doesn't know that his coworker had messaged me, and he truly looked like a jackass yesterday, acting like that. Lol.


And it has to be the MLC stuff, because a normal long term relationship that would dissolve, the two parties would still be civil with each other.
It just blows my mind that they act like they have never met us, that we have not seen them looking like crap with snot dripping out of their noses and bringing them chicken soup, like we don't know they are deathly afraid of beetles  ---  we have seen them at their most pathetic and yet they pretend we never met.
This made me Lol S66! So true, my H is deathly afraid of spiders, and am certainly seeing the pathetic side even more now!


Update:
I am so fortunate that the gal I share an office with is such a gem, and great support. I felt terrible for her when said meltdown ensued, because I could barely even get out what had happened, through the tears, sobbing, can't breathe episode  :o. Had myself worked up into a real tizzy! She hugged me,  told me to sit down, turn around and look at what we had on our white board, which were these memes (thank goodness for humour). It took awhile but I did calm down somewhat:






Tears persisted throughout the day, but I made it. Last night I had planned a girls night at my house, with a couple of them having a sleep over. I made supper for my tribe, had some drinks, received and gave lots of hugs. Lot's of talking and support as 3 out of the 4 have been through affairs, with various results. A rough day, turned into a good one and I am so thankful for my tribe and what each one has to offer!

Today was a little rough for other reasons. Lol! Got some work done, had a nap. I've been thinking about responding to the text from H, about me telling him he has to do all this, therefore he didn't tell me about the realtor, baloney. I read an article on "smart contact" today, and I feel like I might send a very carefully worded message along the lines of "I understand that I told you it was your responsibility... I should clarify, that I didn't mean to imply that I didn't want to know anything about what you were doing.. ie.. bringing a realtor into our home." I have to put some more thought into before I do it, to be sure I word it right, and to be sure I really am responding (as I apparently don't communicate at all) instead of reacting.

Going to have some conversations with the Big Guy Upstairs first  :D.

Well, that's it for now. Going to try catch up on y'all this weekend! Happy Easter to all my HS peeps and welcome to the new peeps who have dropped in on my thread! Nice to meet you and thanks for your support! Hugs N Prayers to you all!!

FN

M 46
H 39
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline FearNotTopic starter

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #40 on: April 01, 2018, 09:59:52 AM »
Well, truth be told, this weekend has been rough. Good thing I kicked it off with the girls and had some fun! I have put in a lot of OT on work and thinking about H. I have to say I am feeling some anger this weekend about things. This is a weekend we would usually spend with his family, due to his work schedule getting busy and we wouldn't get a chance to see them until summer. Therefore, I rarely saw my mom on Easter. This year, even though I have no obligation to go to the in laws, I am still unable to spend it with my family. My stepdad who has dementia is not aware of the situation. My mom hasn't told him due to anger issues, and that he really just doesn't have the capability to understand (and I know this whole situation is putting so much stress on her). So in my mixed up little head, it feels like H has robbed me of this too. Thanks to his choices... I am unable to be with either family... And I am feeling angry, and frustrated, and in light of his antics last week, more than a little hurt.

I am feeling the ripples of what has happened in so many areas. Friends you are afraid to talk to because they don't know or maybe they do, or maybe they'll ask and what the hell do I say? It's not like my answer can be "Standing" because few and far between get that! The neighbors don't chat anymore because it's awkward, In laws that were like your parents... gone. My mom has to sneak to call me, because my stepdad doesn't know, and she doesn't know what his reaction will be, so we have to try keep call times normal, so her life doesn't become hell. I am terrified that he is going to make some moves now that he's had an appraisal. I know he can't do anything without my approval, but it's a step forward for him.

I am scared, I am lonely, I am angry, I am exhausted. I know this will pass. I know I will get through this but man I am not a fan of the process.

I think this is going to be my text reply to his:
H: " Because you specifically told me that you didn't want to be involved and I have to do everything. I've been trying to get you to participate  but you have been adamant about me having to do all the work. That is why"

FN (hasn't sent yet): I should've been clearer in what I meant. I am involved regardless. But I would appreciate it, if you would keep me in the loop on things, such as realtors coming into our home, appraisals etc. I think perhaps, you are confusing my not wanting to initiate and aid in your decision to walk away, as a lack of communication, and therefore don't feel the need to let me in on what you have going on. That is not my intention. Would you mind sharing what the appraisal was? Thanks.

Input and advice and 2x4's welcome!!! Please
  :)

Today is supposed to be about hope and joy. It's Easter Sunday for crying out loud. HE is RISEN!! Happy Easter Hero Spouse Peoples!!
« Last Edit: April 01, 2018, 10:21:48 AM by FearNot »
M 46
H 39
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline Mrs.Smiling

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #41 on: April 01, 2018, 10:33:12 AM »
I'm so sorry Fear Not...This really does put a damper on the day.
I was reading about your anger..I also felt the anger this weekend. The same thought of "H robbed me of yet another holiday". It does suck...
Your post is exactly what I was thinking a week ago. My neighbors are great supportive people. Always asking if I need anything. But still it's awkward.
Family and friends..OH yes...been there...

Here is the time you need to get up go look in that mirror...Look at yourself...Ask yourself, Where is your self worth and value...I just spoke of this with another friend. : ) How do you value yourself, your self worth...You are a strong person! We all are...You are beautiful and have a good heart...
The anger will dissipate in time...Ups and downs...

Remember it doesn't matter what any one else thinks or believes. It is only what you believe and feel about you and your situation. Nobody knows unless they are dealing with it as well, the He!! we go through daily.
Be the best version of yourself... there is no other

Offline If_only

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #42 on: April 01, 2018, 11:02:54 AM »
FN: I feel terrible for you.  ☹️
I have been where you are - no contact from h family even to my kids. I have no idea what they know or do not.  Having to be strong to friends as you don’t know if contact exists with h or not. Just horrible and lonely at times.  Not one person I know stands so that is a non topic for me.
Your reply is fine. I don’t know if it would cause more problems if you said;
Having a realtor come in is against my wishes. Without telling me you were bringing someone in to our home when I’m not there is also against my wishes.  You have made the decision to walk away and I do not wish to leave our home. Therefore please communicate what the appraisal was for and what are your intentions?
I was just trying to clarify that you don’t want him to do that again and maybe you will have to ask for the key or change the locks. It sounds like  he may be wanting you to buy him
out or force the sale of the house? But then I can’t even guess what your h is doing  since he is in a crisis.  I would just like to see you slow down the process but ultimately you need to do what is best for you. Sending you much support and lots of hugs!  If
« Last Edit: April 01, 2018, 11:06:43 AM by If_only »

Offline OffRoad

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #43 on: April 01, 2018, 12:05:29 PM »
You are kinder than I am.
" Because you specifically told me that you didn't want to be involved and I have to do everything. I've been trying to get you to participate  but you have been adamant about me having to do all the work. That is why"

My response would be "I have told you that if you want a divorce, you must do the work. This does not mean i don't need to know when strangers are brought into my house, or that I don't need to know what the progress is. It appears you are confusing my not wanting to initiate and aid in your decision to walk away as my not wanting to know what has been done to move the divorce along or the results of such actions, and therefore don't feel the need to let me in on what you have going on. I would very much appreciate it if you would keep me appraised of where you are in your divorce process. Did you get a good appraisal on the house? What is it worth?"

But I only have a 50 % response rate, so yours might be better. ;D  I respond to pity parties and unfounded accusation with facts, but I'm not a stander (I think I've reached the stage where I'm a "Move along with my life and deal with whatever comes as it comes" kind of person. We need a word for that.) and you are a stander, so you will have to go with what feels right to you. I am so glad you have the alarm app. At least you know that someone has been there.

I am sorry holidays are so hard for you. It's sad when we lose what we had, and can't move on to something we would like to have. I didn't realize until Friday that this is the first Easter that everyone is gone from my house. I have no one to make jelly bean trails for, or hide Easter eggs, or any of the things we all used to do. Everyone used to come to my house, yet no one has invited me anywhere. The divorced person pariah syndrom. And so I'm off to see Ready Player One. If I can't have what I want, I'll make due with what I have.

Easter is still about hope and joy. That much no one can take away from you. And you will never be completely alone, as long as Heros Spouse is here. Take this day and get some much needed rest.

When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline FearNotTopic starter

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #44 on: April 01, 2018, 01:11:52 PM »
Hey Friends! These holidays are tough on all of us! This one really go me! Lol. I felt better after venting this morning and a good cry.  I have more work to do... but I going to leave it. I need some time for me. I need to chill out.

Thank you Smiling, If and OR for your support, love and hugs!

I have never been one to put much stock in holidays. They weren't always a positive experience growing up in my family dynamic. Once I met my H, holidays never bothered me anymore. I thought I'd always have someone to spend them with. That security has been shattered.  I think that is the real root of my issue around these days. Now that I realize that ... I'm going to have to figure out my new normal  :-\

You are kinder than I am.
" Because you specifically told me that you didn't want to be involved and I have to do everything. I've been trying to get you to participate  but you have been adamant about me having to do all the work. That is why"

My response would be "I have told you that if you want a divorce, you must do the work. This does not mean i don't need to know when strangers are brought into my house, or that I don't need to know what the progress is. It appears you are confusing my not wanting to initiate and aid in your decision to walk away as my not wanting to know what has been done to move the divorce along or the results of such actions, and therefore don't feel the need to let me in on what you have going on. I would very much appreciate it if you would keep me appraised of where you are in your divorce process. Did you get a good appraisal on the house? What is it worth?"

I am seriously considering going with OffRoads response. H said D word once in one conversation, and I have tried to not use it for not wanting to plant the seed. But realistically, the seeds planted, so maybe it's time to "2X4" him with D word. H doesn't seem to get the only way this is going down is with a D. I'm not leaving (aka selling) the house without one filed. Maybe he needs the reality check of less nicely worded response!!

But I only have a 50 % response rate, so yours might be better. ;D  I respond to pity parties and unfounded accusation with facts, but I'm not a stander (I think I've reached the stage where I'm a "Move along with my life and deal with whatever comes as it comes" kind of person. We need a word for that.) and you are a stander, so you will have to go with what feels right to you. I am so glad you have the alarm app. At least you know that someone has been there.

I think responding to his little pity party with fact might be a much better solution. I am glad I have the app as well. As much as it felt it was working against me in the beginning, definitely beneficial in these instances.

I am sorry holidays are so hard for you. It's sad when we lose what we had, and can't move on to something we would like to have. I didn't realize until Friday that this is the first Easter that everyone is gone from my house. I have no one to make jelly bean trails for, or hide Easter eggs, or any of the things we all used to do. Everyone used to come to my house, yet no one has invited me anywhere. The divorced person pariah syndrom. And so I'm off to see Ready Player One. If I can't have what I want, I'll make due with what I have.

Happy Easter! Enjoy your movie! I had to look up what it was. I've been a little out of touch. lol.

Easter is still about hope and joy. That much no one can take away from you. And you will never be completely alone, as long as Heros Spouse is here. Take this day and get some much needed rest.

Thank you for this OffRoad! I needed the reminder!

I know I am strong, and will get stronger. I also know when I wear myself down, I become more susceptible to meltdowns (otherwise known as being human ;)). I'm going to mull over OR response a little more and then I will send my text, and be done with it  :D

M 46
H 39
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline FearNotTopic starter

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #45 on: April 01, 2018, 05:29:08 PM »
Well I sent a text and chose what OR suggested as I liked that it just go to the point and put the onus on him:

"I have told you that if you want a divorce, you must do the work. This does not mean i don't need to know when strangers are brought into my house, or that I don't need to know what the progress is. It appears you are confusing my not wanting to initiate and aid in your decision to walk away as my not wanting to know what has been done to move the divorce along or the results of such actions, and therefore don't feel the need to let me in on what you have going on. I would very much appreciate it if you would keep me appraised of where you are in your divorce process. Did you get a good appraisal on the house? What is it worth?"

 I received a response almost immediately. I was hoping for the other half of only "50% response rate" to the message.  :(

H came back with and apology about the realtor but he was just doing what I asked of him. There's no news on the separation, he was just gathering information so that we could sit down and talk about the options as far as the house goes. The more we can work out without L's the cheaper it is for both of us, blah, blah, blah. All he was trying to do was get information but there is nothing formal yet. H would like to get together this week and try hammer out the details, and once we have some amicable solutions he will have it drafted up, we can go over it together and I can go over it with my L and proceed from there. Followed by more house gibberish... is there a day this week that works for me?

Told him I wasn't sure about this week. I have things on the calendar already and my work load is pretty heavy right now. He'd like to do it before April 9 if possible. That most likely means he's going on the road for a bit as of April 9.  I haven't replied.

I am just trying to absorb that this is truly happening and getting more difficult to avoid.  :'( Feeling kind of numb.

Hugs N Prayers,
FN

« Last Edit: April 01, 2018, 06:00:02 PM by FearNot »
M 46
H 39
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline If_only

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #46 on: April 01, 2018, 06:32:29 PM »
Sorry that this is happening to you FN ☹️.  My husband did almost the same thing and I ended up leaving and signing the house over to him.  Made everything easy for  him.  Once the agreement was signed I had very little contact and the path back home seems to have disappeared along with the house. I know it is hard to put him off but if I had to do it over again - I would never agree to anything as long as I could make payments on my own.  I listened to everyone telling me to get the agreement done  as soon as possible but I was the one who had the consequences. What if you put it off as you are busy or sick or whatever until after April 9 and then  tell him to feel free to get a lawyer if he is so adamant about things.  By mediation you may save money but you want to save  your marriage . Drag your feet every which way - pretend you are doing an acting job lol . I know it is hard and the pressure  is so much to bear and you want to get along with him as well. It’s such a balancing  act!  You are strong and I have hope for you! I even have hope for me and  my position is almost impossible but I am formulating s plan plus I have God.  Sending you support no matter what you do. Proud of you.  Hugs if
« Last Edit: April 01, 2018, 06:36:46 PM by If_only »

Offline Schratz66

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #47 on: April 02, 2018, 06:53:55 AM »
Hey Fear,

I did like your reply to H text. Like you my holidays leave me a tad angry and a whole lot of sad. My family is overseas and for the last 20 years all holidays were spent with his family, who have dropped me like a hot potato even though they used to tell me how much they love me and how much I was like a daughter, blablabla....

I am very sorry that you have to deal with this actually happening and know the numb feeling all too well.

Hugs
Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline intown28

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #48 on: April 02, 2018, 11:24:21 AM »
I also think I'm going to ride it out Im Living in the house for now and he is maintaining it.........so I will see how ong that will last....thanks for your post was reading through and it gave me some good advice........

Offline intown28

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #49 on: April 02, 2018, 11:25:54 AM »
Hollidays are tough but pass through here and get some support hope you feel better soon

Offline FearNotTopic starter

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #50 on: April 02, 2018, 11:54:28 AM »
Sorry that this is happening to you FN ☹️.  My husband did almost the same thing and I ended up leaving and signing the house over to him.  Made everything easy for  him.  Once the agreement was signed I had very little contact and the path back home seems to have disappeared along with the house. I know it is hard to put him off but if I had to do it over again - I would never agree to anything as long as I could make payments on my own.  I listened to everyone telling me to get the agreement done  as soon as possible but I was the one who had the consequences. What if you put it off as you are busy or sick or whatever until after April 9 and then  tell him to feel free to get a lawyer if he is so adamant about things.  By mediation you may save money but you want to save  your marriage . Drag your feet every which way - pretend you are doing an acting job lol . I know it is hard and the pressure  is so much to bear and you want to get along with him as well. It’s such a balancing  act!  You are strong and I have hope for you! I even have hope for me and  my position is almost impossible but I am formulating s plan plus I have God.  Sending you support no matter what you do. Proud of you.  Hugs if
Thank you IF! I am going to drag my feet as much as possible to not meet with him. Truthfully my week is busy with work and I do have things on the calendar. If I absolutely have to give in and sit down, it is my time to zip it and listen. Let him do his thing. He want to meet before a mediator even, so he can do all the talking. Your comment about mediation makes complete sense though, your right I want to save my marriage. I will do everything I can to stay in the home. I know God has a plan, I have to give it to Him, and let Him take care of it. I have such hope for you too IF. Big Hugs!!


Thank you for the support S66, I am sorry that you too had a rough holiday as well. It's and unfortunate fact the we do know all too well the feelings of empathy for our fellow HS peeps. Hugs to you S66.

Thanks IT28- There's always a wealth of knowledge on everybody's threads! So glad you found some good advice. You got this, hang it there. Hugs!

Journaling:
So I am in a much better head space today than yesterday. I am going to try avoid meeting with H this week if at all possible. I do have a hectic week and I'm not going to force this in there to accommodate him. If I must then I'm zipping it and listening. I'm not making any moves or agreeing to anything.

Today H messaged me to say he has parcels arriving at our home again this week. Not sure what that's all about. He was never much of an online shopper before. I'm not in any rush to let him know when they arrive. After all, I'm not a postal worker  :D. That message was followed by wanting to know where I got a certain household item and how much. I replied, Thanks for letting me know about the parcels! Have no idea. He was so sweet... he sent me a cute little special "snoo" emojii as a reply ( I do hope you all read that with heaping content of sarcasm it was intended with). What a bunch of lunatics they are. I didn't reply. Moving on with my day. Grounding myself again in prayer and devotions. Getting back on track!!

It was a rough day, but it's over. I am letting go and let God. I will focus my prayers on my blessings and pray with intent. Today is a new day. I have joy in today, my focus is back, and God is on my side and I have my HS peeps. Thank you for being here!!

Hugs N Prayers
FN
M 46
H 39
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline Kitty

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #51 on: April 02, 2018, 12:19:57 PM »
It's good to see you're having a better day FN!  I would definitely drag my feet on the meeting, there's no need for any kind of rush. You got this!
Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 11.5
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 - Legal separation signed, and I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Offline Schratz66

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #52 on: April 03, 2018, 06:01:40 AM »
Happy to hear you're back up and moving along.
Lunatics is about right :)
Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline seahorse

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #53 on: April 03, 2018, 08:15:00 AM »
FN -- Just attaching and following.  So sorry that you've had such a hard time between running into him at the cafe, and especially with the desire for mediation.
Sounds like you've gotten great advice from everyone.
Keep up the good work letting go.

Hugs
Seahorses have one mate for life...

Offline sampsed

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #54 on: April 03, 2018, 09:02:03 AM »
FN - Love your attitude today!  Here is to a lot more days like this!
https://affaircare.com/the-180/

No matter what....find a positive...no matter how small it is there is always a positive.

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out same day to be with OW (EA become PA approx. 2 mos prior)
BY 1966
H BY 1966
Married 32.5 years
Together 35 years
D - 1989 Married with 2 children, living locally
S -  1991 Professional School living across Country  - Still relies on us for support
3 Dogs - 1 was his baby that he left behind
Standing
No legal action yet
3/5/18 OW moved to another State  H moved in with F  
3/19/18  H moved home and is living in spare room  Reason:  Wasn't happy living with F and had an urge to want to be Home.  OW moved out of State.  They are still communicating.

Offline FearNotTopic starter

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #55 on: April 05, 2018, 11:55:54 AM »
Thank you my HS peeps for the support as always! I love this forum!

A little Update:

Later on Monday I received a text from SIL that their Gran was taken to hospital by ambulance. She has been sick for awhile (viral thing apparently). I had messaged her on Sunday saying Happy Easter and a little update as to how I was doing. She sent a nice message back but ended it with " I will write more when and If I feel better. I think of you often." I have to say my heart broke when I received the message, followed by hearing she was in the hospital. She will apparently be in for a few days. I am seeing SIL tonight so I will get an update.

Fakebook revealed that H spent easter with Vicodin. This is a weekend we would've gone to his parents. He chose to avoid them and spend it elsewhere. Knowing that, it makes sense of the spew I received on Sunday when I messaged the "D" word to him, interrupting his nice little family dinner at Vicodins moms house.  ;D. It's funny it took me almost 3 days to respond... and I just happen to send it during that time. Kinda makes me giggle. H has not mentioned that Gran is in the hospital, but she has always been someone that he has respected, and knows her disappointment in him. She makes sure to like or comment on every post I make of Fakebook and if friends tag me she's on it. That can't feel good to him, knowing her situation now, but that is beyond my control.

This week has been ridiculously busy with work! I did discover last night that I can see the history of all the you tube videos that H watches, since he signs into his account and it's linked to the tablet I have. I know... I know ... it's shady of me to be checking it out. But interestingly enough he is watching some pretty sappy stuff at 3 am!?!? Songs that we used to play all the time, songs that meant something to us, the song we would karaoke as a duet (terribly I might add)and an artist that is one of my fav's but not really one of his!?!? A little enlightening!

H did do my taxes. That consisted of numerous texts.. and cute little emojiis from him on Tuesday night. My answers were one worded. I think now is not really the time for me to be friendly and accommodating in light of his actions last week. I think it's time he feels some of the repercussions of his decisions.His parcel has arrived, I have yet to tell him and I haven't messaged about meeting up. I figure if he pesters me, then I shall deal with it.

I'm concentrating on my work, me, my faith and my growth... I'll leave him stew in his own mess for awhile. I have no desire to see him... which is a first.  I think that's a good thing for me!

Hugs N Prayers
FN
M 46
H 39
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline Kitty

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #56 on: April 05, 2018, 12:46:28 PM »
You sound like you're doing good FN! I like your thinking in not telling him about the package. He know's it's going to show up there, he can ask you about it. If he remembers.
Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 11.5
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 - Legal separation signed, and I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Offline FearNotTopic starter

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #57 on: April 06, 2018, 08:06:32 AM »
Thank you Kitty! You sound like you are doing good as well! You go girl!!

So had a little visit with SIL last night. Gran will be released from the hospital today, which is good news. H was messaging with SIL yesterday and things got a little rocky between them. He has planned his 40th in Vegas (not surprising at all). She asked about his living situation, he said he was still at friends, but might have to move home. Then the "awkwardness" comment came from H. She asked why that would be so awkward? His response was having "company over". So she flat out said you mean "Vicodin". He said yes and if FN not has guys over ( cuz that's my priority obviously :o). So she stuck up for me. Told him he will never find happiness in the next woman, trip, etc. He made these choices and that she obviously loves him more than he loves himself. ( This is the edited version. He responded with poor me, my situation, I will do what I need to to get FN to act and get her out of the house. (At least I have a preview of what MAY come my way!!)

She also mentioned that her parents are buying into him feeding them, that I am being difficult and uncooperative and they don't understand why I won't just give up the house and move on. SIL threw some truth darts their way, saying their son was the one to walk out and 3 days later be in a relationship with OW. It has been just over 3 months...I shouldn't have to make any decisions or help him in any way. These are his decisions. I have decided I won't reach out anymore. They know where to find me, they have not bothered to ask me about my side etc and that's fine. I get they need to support the poor decisions of their very unhappy son. I feel truly horrible that this is wreaking such havoc in his family... but that too is beyond my control. That is on him and them.

Tonight I am going shopping with a GF. Taking a little break from reality. I know I am making the right choices for me. It doesn't matter what his family thinks. I am allowed to stick to my morals, values, and vows. So be it if they don't support me. They circle of those in RL is very limited and that is fine. The HS circle is vast and I am truly grateful for that!! I am also so grateful for my SIL, who is such a support to me with this and my faith.

I have decided to throw his parcel off on my work break at the reception at his work. No need for me to see him, and I can stop thinking about it. Solved.

Happy Friday HS Peeps!
Hugs N Prayers
FN
M 46
H 39
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline sampsed

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #58 on: April 06, 2018, 09:27:04 AM »
FN - Great idea to drop off the package and take away his option to stop by the house!

Love the truth darts from SIL.  Sometimes I think they mean more from others than from us!

Enjoy your weekend!
https://affaircare.com/the-180/

No matter what....find a positive...no matter how small it is there is always a positive.

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out same day to be with OW (EA become PA approx. 2 mos prior)
BY 1966
H BY 1966
Married 32.5 years
Together 35 years
D - 1989 Married with 2 children, living locally
S -  1991 Professional School living across Country  - Still relies on us for support
3 Dogs - 1 was his baby that he left behind
Standing
No legal action yet
3/5/18 OW moved to another State  H moved in with F  
3/19/18  H moved home and is living in spare room  Reason:  Wasn't happy living with F and had an urge to want to be Home.  OW moved out of State.  They are still communicating.

Offline Schratz66

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #59 on: April 06, 2018, 08:20:43 PM »
Wow - his plan is to move home but gave Vicodin come over ???
Tell me again that these are grown ass men we are talking about and not 15 year old teenage boys.
But, hey, at least he has a plan to get you to move out of the house.
Just shaking my head.
Doesn’t surprise me that his family is taking his side - blood seems to be always be thicker than water and really that’s the family all their issues stem from, so we shouldn’t be surprised.
Hats off though to your SIL for speaking up.

Despite it all you sound good Fear and good for you for dropping the package off rather than dealing with him.

Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline OffRoad

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #60 on: April 06, 2018, 08:42:47 PM »
This is me shaking my head. Then smacking my head, then shaking my head some more. If you ever need some suggestions, I can insure your H will not want to invite Vicodin over more than once. Or that Vicodin will not want to come over after the first time.

When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline 1phoenix

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #61 on: April 07, 2018, 04:31:33 AM »
And I will join OffRoad on this one. 

Sometimes it seems they talk before they actually think..oh wait...lol
I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear — Nelson Mandela

I never lose.  I either win or learn! - Nelson Mandela

For we have fallen from our shelves, To face the truth about ourselves.  "The Gift", Annie Lennox

"You must do the thing you think you cannot do."  Eleanor Roosevelt

Grace makes beauty out of ugly things.  U2 "Grace"

We have all been dealt a hand of cards in this game of life.   Are you going to play or fold?

"Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose." Yoda

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #62 on: April 07, 2018, 11:05:04 AM »
This is me shaking my head. Then smacking my head, then shaking my head some more. If you ever need some suggestions, I can insure your H will not want to invite Vicodin over more than once. Or that Vicodin will not want to come over after the first time.

FN - I hope you will ask for suggestions from several of us if this is going to happen.   ;)

I haven't posted on your thread but have read your story from the beginning. 

I hope there is a way that if push comes to shove that you are able to stay in your home if that is your desire.  That meant a lot to me when my MLCer BDed me and walked out.  Mine also suggested that he (and OW's money from her divorce settlement) could buy me out.  I had invested much more in our home than he ever had and while it meant I took on a significant amount of debt to buy him out I was determined to do it. 

I love the home "we" had created and I've been able to financially make it through 17 months of payments and survive!  Our plan was for me to retire in 2019 but that obviously won't be happening now.  I'm okay with it because there is no option now for that (well.....unless some rich benefactor leaves me a pretty hefty sum!). 

You are fortunate to have a SIL that is still supporting you.  I am sorry that you have to be so guarded with the information to your mom.  That has to be very difficult.  My mom is 82 and she still mentions how much she misses the son-in-law that she thought so much of. 

Your faith in God and his plan for you have obviously been huge for you.  May that continue to be the case. 

You mentioned that your MLCer may be out of town working for a couple months.  I hope that is the case and that you can enjoy some breathing room from all the current stir he is causing. 

How is Gran doing? 

I continue to follow your journey.  Sending support. 
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline seahorse

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #63 on: April 07, 2018, 01:03:12 PM »
FN - Who knows what goes on in their heads?  How unreasonable his thoughts and plans are, except to him in MLC I’m sure they seem realistic.

I hope he does have to work out of town for a couple of months..  That would allow you to get some space and peace, hopefully.

Hugs to you
Seahorses have one mate for life...

Offline FamilyIsMyGoal

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #64 on: April 08, 2018, 10:04:43 AM »
Sorry that this is happening to you FN ☹️.  My husband did almost the same thing and I ended up leaving and signing the house over to him.  Made everything easy for  him.  Once the agreement was signed I had very little contact and the path back home seems to have disappeared along with the house. I know it is hard to put him off but if I had to do it over again - I would never agree to anything as long as I could make payments on my own.  I listened to everyone telling me to get the agreement done  as soon as possible but I was the one who had the consequences. What if you put it off as you are busy or sick or whatever until after April 9 and then  tell him to feel free to get a lawyer if he is so adamant about things.  By mediation you may save money but you want to save  your marriage . Drag your feet every which way - pretend you are doing an acting job lol . I know it is hard and the pressure  is so much to bear and you want to get along with him as well. It’s such a balancing  act!  You are strong and I have hope for you! I even have hope for me and  my position is almost impossible but I am formulating s plan plus I have God.  Sending you support no matter what you do. Proud of you.  Hugs if


I totally agree with all of this!  My therapist said that for her first marriage, she dragged it out for three years and that I could drag it out too if that's what I chose.  (She ended up going signing D papers when she met her second husband who she's been happily married to for 40 years).  As you know, I ended up opting for the collaborative divorce process because he monsters so badly and to protect myself financially). 

You are doing fantastically despite rough holidays and cold in-laws.  Everytime I take care of myself, or somehow take control, I feel better.  If he dares bring Vicodin over, well I can't wait to hear all the creative ways the peeps on this forum could think of to torture them both.   ;D

Sooooo interesting about youtube!!!! I think that's very telling.  3 am, you say.... hmmmm..... 

I see what my H watches on netflix.  It's either comedy or very violent shows. ???

It is definitely a very delicate balancing act between standing and protecting yourself.  You sound like you are handling it well. xoxoxo

Divorce Bomb August 6, 2017
Married 19 years
Together 22 years
Physically separated - he's 15 miles away
Two Teenage boys
Me: 54
H 58
OW? I don't know - probably plural

Offline FearNotTopic starter

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #65 on: April 08, 2018, 11:51:30 AM »
Happy Sunday everyone! First off, I need to change the OW name from Vicodin (I'll go with OW for now until I come up with something better). In light of what has happened with Faithwalker, I can't in good conscience continue to call her that. My thoughts and prayers are with FW and her family! May God give them strength and wrap them all in His loving embrace! Amen.

Thank you Samsed, S66, OR, 1P, Stillbaffled and Seahorse! I certainly will be seeking ideas should H think this is a good idea. Boy oh boy, does that show that they really are bat snot bonkers!! I am hoping he is away for work for the next couple months and I have more time to continue to work on me. According to what he has mentioned and SIL that seems it will be the case.

Stillbaffled- Thank you for posting and your support! I wouldn't be able to afford our home on our own, but should it come down to having to deal with it, I will opt for selling vs. buyout. This was our dream home that we built together. If that dream ends ( and I have hope and faith that it won't), then the OW will not be coming to live in our home, it will become someone else's dream.

Thank you for your understanding of my mom. I know this is tremendously difficult for her. She loves him like a son, still does and prays for him constantly. She's my biggest prayer warrior in all of this, and I am so blessed.

Yes my faith has been my rock in all of this. I know I wouldn't have the strength, courage, compassion, or understanding that I do without it. Everyone has different ways of going through this and finding what works for them. This is what works for me! If nothing else, in the end, I will have grown in my faith. I already have experienced many positive changes within in myself due to this, so no matter what I will come out better. ;D

Gran is out of the hospital and is feeling a bit better! I haven't heard from her personally, but SIL keeps me in the loop, which I am so grateful for!

FIMG- Thank you for your support and sharing your therapists experience. I am so sorry that you had to opt for collaborative D, but it is imperative that you protect yourself. There is always hope though! You are strong!

I was really surprised to see what he was watching on you tube and the times. The other night I listened to some of them and looked up the lyrics. This is just one example that he has listened to a few times?!?!? Who know what is going through his head at 3 am.

"All the things I've felt and never shared.
All the times that she was lonely with me there.
Tears I wouldn't let fall from my eyes.
And how I let her go without a fight.
The reasons I'm alone, I know by heart.
But I don't wanna spend forever in the dark.
I swear next time I'll hang on for dear life.
If love ever gives me another try.
There's no changing things that we regret.
The best that we can hope for is one more chance.
If the hands of time could just move in reverse.
I wouldn't make the same mistake again with her."

They seem to be all over the place with their choices in life, youtube, netflix... it just speaks to the confusion I think they feel within.

Update:

Spent Friday night shopping with a GF. Had a good time. Saturday I worked and listened to BTG Movement while doing my data entry. I find their story so encouraging. Today, is a little more work, but going to take some time for me as well.

H texted thanks for dropping the package off and that another one should be arriving (it was there when I got home on Friday). He is also expecting his new drivers license and made a point of saying he would come pick them up!! Lol. I haven't heard anything else from him. He didn't push the issue of meeting so that's a blessing!

My niece from Winnipeg is coming on April 28. We only get a couple days together, but I am so excited to see her. It's been a couple years. She's 21 and a wonderful soul. I bought tickets to a "Footloose" musical put on by a local production company, so that should be fun!!

Hugs N Prayers to each and everyone of you!!
FN
M 46
H 39
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline same33

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #66 on: April 08, 2018, 02:47:08 PM »
Wow, FN, a busy week. You really sound like you are holding up amazingly well!
M-44
W-41
S12, S9, S7
Married 9/25/2004
13 years of marriage
BD#1- December 22, 2014
BD#2- January 2, 2018
Standing for my marriage

Offline totzrn

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #67 on: April 08, 2018, 03:09:15 PM »
You have great courage and are an inspiration. I want to stand for my marriage so bad but it is to the point I have nothing left. The lying and manipulation is too much and now telling my kids to lie to me. I can't have that. As everyone else I love my husband so much and I prayed and prayed that there would be even a little something........nothing. I was holding out for him to file but I can not have him here causing so much turmoil. If there were children involved I could handle it. I guess I am trying to justify myself I feel sooooo guilty I feel sick this is not my morals or my beliefs, but yet we are the ones paying the price. I hope everything works out for you. Keep your faith. Stay strong. I will pray for you.

Offline 20thcenturygirl

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #68 on: April 08, 2018, 03:18:38 PM »
Fear - we have the same date for our BD.  You are doing so wonderfully . 
Your thoughts on selling vs buyout are the same as mine.  Like you I do not want OW moving into our home.

Sending you positive thoughts and I am so glad your Gran is doing better.
H 62
Me 51
BD October 31st 2017
Three months of confusion & coming & going
Left Home December 28th 2017
OW living the life with him January 31st 2018 - met her whilst walking dogs, and it is really, really an affair down!
He denies she exists

Offline If_only

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #69 on: April 09, 2018, 12:27:26 AM »
FN - I have been really busy with my GAL ing but have been keeping an eye on your thread! I thought I was going to fall over about OW going as a guest to your house. 😂 I actually could probably ‘top’ that story as I have a few months on you and made mistakes you are not making as you have this forum advising and supporting as well as your faith  among other things. My h suggested something similar and that is when I packed up and moved on. Looking back I should have said  ‘sure’ lol I’m forgetting but why doesn’t he move in with OW name TBD.😊?
Anyways, I am so proud of you! Keep up the Good work even though it is such a weird feeling!  Big hugs IF.
Also like your idea of selling if you have to!


Offline FearNotTopic starter

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #70 on: April 12, 2018, 07:24:26 PM »
Same33- Thanks for your support  :)

totzrn-Thank you for your compliments! I am sorry that you are going through this as well! There is nothing easy about our situations! Faith is a big part of it for me and I believe God has a plan, but he also has his own time frame. Thank you for your prayers, you are in mine as well.

20thC- They pick the best days for BD hey?!? Thank you for your support and positive thoughts as well!

If- I am so glad that you are GAL ing! They really are cray cray! My thoughts on why H isn't moving in with OW is because I don't think that she is living in a situation that would allow a BF to move in. I could be wrong but it seems perhaps she might still be living with her spouse that she "consciously uncoupled" from... but I'm not a hundred percent sure. Either way...there must not be room for H where ever she is living  ;D  and thank you for your support as well!!

Update
Another hectic week! I did get a text from H on Tuesday that he was going to email me the options that he has come up with regarding the house. We could then discuss it, make changes, he would draft it up and we could take it to our lawyers  :o. Still no mention of D...just the dang house!! And I haven't received the email yet. I await it with baited breath! Lol. I'm not sure what part of.. "YOU HAVE TO DIVORCE ME FIRST" that he's not getting!! Oh well, the longer he takes... the better off I am. Guess God has a different plan and is keeping him to busy to write that email  ;).

Tomorrow I am going to play Euchre again with my new strangers/friends I met last month. Looking forward to it, not near as anxious as last time! The weekend will be filled with work, and a possible H sighting if he decided to pick up his parcel and drivers license. Still trying to decide if I will make myself scarce for that event.

Other than that not much to report, which I will take as a positive! More later!

Hugs N Prayers,
FN
M 46
H 39
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline sampsed

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #71 on: April 13, 2018, 10:43:30 AM »
Forget about an email that may not come for awhile and enjoy your weekend.  If I was you...don't even open your email until Monday.  Don't let anything he might send ruin your weekend.
https://affaircare.com/the-180/

No matter what....find a positive...no matter how small it is there is always a positive.

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out same day to be with OW (EA become PA approx. 2 mos prior)
BY 1966
H BY 1966
Married 32.5 years
Together 35 years
D - 1989 Married with 2 children, living locally
S -  1991 Professional School living across Country  - Still relies on us for support
3 Dogs - 1 was his baby that he left behind
Standing
No legal action yet
3/5/18 OW moved to another State  H moved in with F  
3/19/18  H moved home and is living in spare room  Reason:  Wasn't happy living with F and had an urge to want to be Home.  OW moved out of State.  They are still communicating.

Offline seahorse

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #72 on: April 13, 2018, 05:39:58 PM »
I agree FN - just don’t open it, as hard as that might be.
It’s nothing that can’t wait.

Hugs
Seahorses have one mate for life...

Offline FearNotTopic starter

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #73 on: April 16, 2018, 10:02:15 AM »
So the email came on Saturday afternoon. I did read it but didn't let it ruin the weekend, and haven't answered it as of yet. H messaged last night asking my thoughts on said email, and I replied to his message this morning that I will respond in the next few days, I haven't had time to go over it.

The Email...

Started with, these are the options H came up with, feel free to share your own. He realizes there is a little more to deal with (RRSPs is all he mentioned) but the house is the biggest part of our "Separation Agreement"  :o ( Yup... still won't use the D word!!) Here were the options he listed. Please try not to laugh. ;D

 A) Basically one of us walks away hands over the house and line of credit to to the other. Other person owns it all. ( HELL NO! BAHAHAHAHA!)

Hugs N Prayer,
FN

B) We sell the house now, it will be at a loss. We would both owe  aprox $8500. ( But he seems to have forgotten the $19K + that said W paid on the first homes down payment, so said W won't be at a loss here. H will definitely be at more of a loss and might have a tiny reality check coming)

C) One person lives in the home, assumes all the bills and mortgage, other person walks away goes lives somewhere else for a couple years and then we can maybe sell at a profit in agreed upon time, like 2 years (his suggestion). Can I get another HELL NO! BAHAHAHA! They really are cray cray!!

D) This option he doesn't like but figured it should me mentioned. H moves home, we live like roommates AND we would have to split it all 50/50. ( We pretty much already do this, which I feel would be an eye opener as he thinks I'm not contributing. Another reality check coming his way. This is about the only option that makes any kind of sense to me, except he's not in a good head space to be moving back. )

My thoughts on this. I have to find a way to answer that is non confrontational and doesn't sound like I'm treating him like the bat sh&t Crazy F*^etr&*ck that he is!! I do not want to sell at a loss, and I need to find a gentle way of breaking the news about the down payment, not to mention I won't agree to selling with just a separation agreement in place. He has to file for D.

Options A and C are just ludicrous and I won't agree to either one in any way shape or form.

Option D- This is an option, but I feel in my response I need to put something that addresses boundaries, especially after his comments to SIL.

I've said many a prayer about how to answer this email!! Any input and advice, wording etc is WELCOME.

Let's hear what you have to say HS peeps!!
M 46
H 39
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Online Treasur

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #74 on: April 16, 2018, 10:08:17 AM »
Only to take your time, plenty of it.

I wonder if it's worth putting his options to one side for a moment, and just create your own list...from where things are right now, as things are right now....if only because it might help you focus first on what YOU really want and what your gut is telling you matters most to you and your future. Just an idea.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline same33

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #75 on: April 16, 2018, 10:15:29 AM »
Only to take your time, plenty of it.

I wonder if it's worth putting his options to one side for a moment, and just create your own list...from where things are right now, as things are right now....if only because it might help you focus first on what YOU really want and what your gut is telling you matters most to you and your future. Just an idea.

This! This really made sense to me.
M-44
W-41
S12, S9, S7
Married 9/25/2004
13 years of marriage
BD#1- December 22, 2014
BD#2- January 2, 2018
Standing for my marriage

Offline FearNotTopic starter

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #76 on: April 16, 2018, 11:36:05 AM »
Only to take your time, plenty of it.

I wonder if it's worth putting his options to one side for a moment, and just create your own list...from where things are right now, as things are right now....if only because it might help you focus first on what YOU really want and what your gut is telling you matters most to you and your future. Just an idea.

I thought a lot about it on the weekend, what I really want. What really matters to me is being happy. I am that right now without him here. I don't have to have him in my life to be happy. Does it hurt to have him gone, yes. Do I get lonely, yes. But I am in a good place and I am strong and I am happy. I have joy (some days more than others) and peace in my heart. Not that there aren't rough days. There certainly are.

 I am standing for my marriage (I want my marriage not just because of morals, vows values, I still love him, even though he is not the man I married) and will continue to do so until we are legally divorced. At that time I will reevaluate my stand, perhaps. I don't want to leave our home regardless of profit or loss. It is our dream home. We built it together. If there is anyway to stay and have this home for him to come back to, I want to try to do that. But if selling becomes the only option, I would rather not loose but if that has to happen, then so be it but he will have to file for D before I will put up a for sale sign. I don't want a divorce, but should it come to that I will stand up for what my rights are.

 I would prefer he moves home. Will it pleasant, absolutely not, will there be challenges, tears, boundaries, changes galore, roller coaster emotions, situations I have no idea what to do with? 100% and a million other things. Do I think I can handle it. Yes! With Faith, and God's Grace and Forgiveness, Wisdom and Courage and a ton of prayer, I feel like the last option is the one I want. He does work away a lot. I am willing to compromise and work on making it fair if he ends up coming back to live. I WILL NOT compromise on the fact that OW will not be allowed in our home or anywhere near our property. If he does that he's out. Pack your bags and git! And he will have to agree to that in order to come home.

My heart, head and gut seem to all agree on the above.


M 46
H 39
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline Schratz66

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #77 on: April 16, 2018, 11:57:43 AM »
Wow - he came up with these options all on his own ?????? Maybe that's why they are kooky ;)
I agree with Treasur to take your time to answer.
You sound in a good place or as good as it can be considering our H ran away to live in some fantasy world.
Wouldn't it be so much easier if we didn't still love those oafs ?
Anyhow....the only of his 4 options that would even come close to a sensible solution to me would be him moving back as a roommate and splitting everything 50/50 if you think you can do it.

It's a damn shame that we have to not lose our spouses but also have to possibly lose our homes because of this MLC behavior.
I'm glad you didn't let it ruin your weekend, Fear, you do sound in a really calm place.

Hang in there, and take your time answering him.
Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline sampsed

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #78 on: April 16, 2018, 01:17:44 PM »
Fear - I know you want him home.  Can you deal with the following scenario:

H moves home and you live like roomies.  Split everything 50/50.  He agrees to no visits from members of the opp sex and you agree to the same.

1.  Can you handle him talking to her in front of you on the phone?  Does this need to be a boundary?

2.  Can you handle when he leaves and you know he is going to see OW and then he comes back.  I thought I was ready for this.  Turns out I wasn't.  Threw me for a loop until a few very wise people on this site talked me down.   

There are pros and cons to having him home.   Make sure you think about all of them.  You still have time and make sure you are ready. 

No matter what, I am sure you will deal with it like a pro! 
https://affaircare.com/the-180/

No matter what....find a positive...no matter how small it is there is always a positive.

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out same day to be with OW (EA become PA approx. 2 mos prior)
BY 1966
H BY 1966
Married 32.5 years
Together 35 years
D - 1989 Married with 2 children, living locally
S -  1991 Professional School living across Country  - Still relies on us for support
3 Dogs - 1 was his baby that he left behind
Standing
No legal action yet
3/5/18 OW moved to another State  H moved in with F  
3/19/18  H moved home and is living in spare room  Reason:  Wasn't happy living with F and had an urge to want to be Home.  OW moved out of State.  They are still communicating.

Offline FamilyIsMyGoal

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #79 on: April 16, 2018, 01:29:01 PM »
Only to take your time, plenty of it.

I wonder if it's worth putting his options to one side for a moment, and just create your own list...from where things are right now, as things are right now....if only because it might help you focus first on what YOU really want and what your gut is telling you matters most to you and your future. Just an idea.

This is just perfect.  Make a list of options that you consider viable and hand it to him!  lol.  Plus, take.your. time.

I like what sampsed said too.  If he does move back in, have some pre-established boundaries.  If he comes back and says, "fine I'll file for D", that still doesn't mean he will.  That's a lot to do in La-La Land. 

But most of all, listen to your own heart, your own gut.  What is right for you will come to you.  Just give yourself time to feel centered.  Lots of prayer, etc.

Light and Love to you! 
Divorce Bomb August 6, 2017
Married 19 years
Together 22 years
Physically separated - he's 15 miles away
Two Teenage boys
Me: 54
H 58
OW? I don't know - probably plural

Offline seahorse

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #80 on: April 16, 2018, 01:42:39 PM »
FN - So much to think about.
I'm with you here -- we all are.
GO with your heart, and be strong and know that you deserve the best with no compromises.

Hugs.
Seahorses have one mate for life...

Offline 1phoenix

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #81 on: April 16, 2018, 03:03:23 PM »
My 2 cents:

If the house does not need to be dealt with (you can make it on your own without him), nothing to respond.

You can offer him that you are going to take a roommate if you need one to help with the mortgage. 

Don't tell him no sale unless divorce. 

Bullies are bullies.
I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear — Nelson Mandela

I never lose.  I either win or learn! - Nelson Mandela

For we have fallen from our shelves, To face the truth about ourselves.  "The Gift", Annie Lennox

"You must do the thing you think you cannot do."  Eleanor Roosevelt

Grace makes beauty out of ugly things.  U2 "Grace"

We have all been dealt a hand of cards in this game of life.   Are you going to play or fold?

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Offline If_only

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #82 on: April 16, 2018, 03:07:33 PM »
FN.  I look at this as great news!! I strongly support you and if you do opt for him to move back as a roomie- you will really have to talk and act with him like a roomie - it is very difficult - more than I can describe because you think they should be like they used to be- and they are not.☹️

Anyway - you know my thoughts !!  - I hope if you opt for him to come back - he stands by that and also respects your boundaries which I have no doubt he will.

Big hugs!  IF






Offline FamilyIsMyGoal

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #83 on: April 16, 2018, 03:20:22 PM »
My 2 cents:

If the house does not need to be dealt with (you can make it on your own without him), nothing to respond.

You can offer him that you are going to take a roommate if you need one to help with the mortgage. 

Don't tell him no sale unless divorce. 

Bullies are bullies.

I love this too!  Very good points.
Divorce Bomb August 6, 2017
Married 19 years
Together 22 years
Physically separated - he's 15 miles away
Two Teenage boys
Me: 54
H 58
OW? I don't know - probably plural

Offline FearNotTopic starter

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #84 on: April 16, 2018, 08:01:10 PM »
Thank you all for your support and input and the tough questions!! Some great points have been made, that I really have to mull over. I have spent a lot of time thinking about this and the advice that has been given and continue to do so. I know I made light of the email in my first post, there is nothing light about this. It's mind boggling and I truly feel the weight of it, but I know I have great support and rationale on here to help me out ( as well as God on my side  ;D)

As to his option A) Walking away and one assumes everything- I am not willing to walk away but if he wanted to it's a possibility. 1P mentioned a roommate. I would have no choice but to find one to make this work. I might have a difficult time getting the price I would need to cover it all, since I would be assuming the line of credit as well. If it was just the house and bills that would doable. It's not off the table though, it could work.

Option B) Selling at a loss- Still not a favorite.
My 2 cents:

Don't tell him no sale unless divorce. 

Bullies are bullies.
I do feel like a bully saying that he has to file for D in order for this to happen, but I also don't want to be stuck in a separation agreement where he has no intentions of dealing with anything other than the home. That is his only focus it seems. I'm trying to think of how to word this in my reply without using the D word, as I have already told him that previously, but he keeps coming back with separation. Am I really prepared should he decide to file...


Option C) One assuming everything for a period of time. I don't think this is viable and too many complications could arise. I don't want to be the one to leave, have him move in with OW etc. and then end up getting screwed over down the road.

Option D) Moving back and assuming half of everything. I have asked for the last 3 months of bills he has been paying. He gave me a brief rundown of what they generally are and is supposed to be sending them. According to his numbers, if this happened I would actually benefit from this, as I have been paying more than my half by a few hundred. So dollar wise this one wouldn't be an issue. In other matters... not so easy. I do want him home, of course I want him home. He keeps threatening me with this. This has been almost 4 months of "moving back but it'll be so awkward, not my best choice, blah blah blah". Then why is he even putting this on the table? Part of me just wants to say sh&t or get off the pot, for crying out loud.
Fear - I know you want him home.  Can you deal with the following scenario:

H moves home and you live like roomies.  Split everything 50/50.  He agrees to no visits from members of the opp sex and you agree to the same.
I can easily agree to this on my part. H, not sure what his deal would be?!!?!

1.  Can you handle him talking to her in front of you on the phone?  Does this need to be a boundary?
Thank you for mentioning this. It would have to be included in boundaries, because I wouldn't be comfortable with this.

2.  Can you handle when he leaves and you know he is going to see OW and then he comes back.  I thought I was ready for this.  Turns out I wasn't.  Threw me for a loop until a few very wise people on this site talked me down.   
I think I could handle this, but wouldn't know 100% until I have to live it. I feel like I have the strength to deal with this as I know it would be an issue.

There are pros and cons to having him home.   Make sure you think about all of them.  You still have time and make sure you are ready. 

No matter what, I am sure you will deal with it like a pro! 

Thank you Samsed for your input. I know it's a whole different matter when it comes to actually living it vs thinking about it and the whole scenario needs careful consideration.


FN.  I look at this as great news!! I strongly support you and if you do opt for him to move back as a roomie- you will really have to talk and act with him like a roomie - it is very difficult - more than I can describe because you think they should be like they used to be- and they are not.☹️

Thank you IF. I truly appreciate hearing from those who have already had to walk this walk. It's a lot to take on, but I feel like I could do it. The reminder that I HAVE TO treat him like a roomie is imperative. Nothing easy about this.

Anyway - you know my thoughts !!  - I hope if you opt for him to come back - he stands by that and also respects your boundaries which I have no doubt he will.
Only time will tell on this one should it come to fruition. I would hope that he would, but I don't think I can realistically "expect" it.

Big hugs!  IF


Thank you Treasur, S33, S66, Family and SH for your advice, commiserating, and support. I am going to take my time on this. I have been working the numbers. Trying to consider all the options, not just the one that appeals most to me. Trying to figure out what MY best option is and what I really want. Tomorrow I will start drafting the email and will be running it by you guys prior to sending to make sure I am not off my rocker and sticking to the facts.

If your saying a prayer or tossing out positivity throw me in there ;)
M 46
H 39
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline seahorse

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #85 on: April 17, 2018, 06:57:19 AM »
Good luck with your decision.
Praying for peace and discernment.
Hugs
Seahorses have one mate for life...

Offline Kitty

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #86 on: April 17, 2018, 08:13:06 AM »
Sending hugs and positive thoughts your way FN!
Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 11.5
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 - Legal separation signed, and I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #87 on: April 17, 2018, 10:22:43 AM »
You have quite a decision to make, FearNot.  So far you've narrowed it down to 2 options.   Little progress there.   ;)

I would just say, if you opt for him moving back in make darn sure you can actually handle him being a "room mate" in every sense of the word.

If you have a legal separation done, you can both what ever you want, it's like a divorce.
Which to me would mean he doesn't need to treat you like a wife and you don't have to treat him as a H.  You're both free to do what you want, when you want, with who ever you want.

Of course nether of you would have someone else living with you, or staying over night, just out of mutual respect.
But he should technically be able to talk to anyone he wants, as should you.  You wouldn't put a boundary on a room mate saying they can't talk to someone in the house.

These are just a few things to think about before you choose the room mate idea.
It would need to be strictly a business decision, not an emotional one.

The first one sounds the best, IF you could afford it, in my opinion.  But why would he have no responsibility for the house?
I'm confusing myself.

I have a question for you.  Is the house being dealt with before the separation can go forward?

From what I know (which isn't much).. ::)  A legal separation is exactly like a D with the exception you are still legally married and can stay on each others medical/health insurance.
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline FearNotTopic starter

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #88 on: April 17, 2018, 11:47:02 AM »
Thank you Sea and Kitty!

Thunder
You have quite a decision to make, FearNot.  So far you've narrowed it down to 2 options.   Little progress there.   ;)

I would just say, if you opt for him moving back in make darn sure you can actually handle him being a "room mate" in every sense of the word.

I truly believe God will provide me with the grace, courage, agape love, and wisdom to do this. I also can be stubborn as all get out... so that helps. I don't like to let myself down. If I have to put on an Oscar winning performance to do this, then I will looking up all the best acting tips in the universe to pull this off.

If you have a legal separation done, you can both what ever you want, it's like a divorce.
Which to me would mean he doesn't need to treat you like a wife and you don't have to treat him as a H.  You're both free to do what you want, when you want, with who ever you want.

This is where I feel He needs to file for divorce. I don't believe in having your cake and eating it too in these situations, which to me is what a legal separation implies. You kinda get to pretend to be divorced but not really  married and don't have to deal with the consequences of it. You get your freedom, you can screw around because technically your "separated" etc (I know this isn't everyone's view and I don't mean any offense to those who choose legal separation, and I realize some need to do this to protect themselves financially) I feel like this almost gives him a free ticket to do what he wants without having to actually commit to a divorce. This doesn't sit well with my belief system unfortunately. I know it works for some and that is awesome.

Of course nether of you would have someone else living with you, or staying over night, just out of mutual respect.
But he should technically be able to talk to anyone he wants, as should you.  You wouldn't put a boundary on a room mate saying they can't talk to someone in the house. 
I get what your saying here about dictating a boundary that wouldn't be there for a regular roommate. That is a very good point!! Thank you.

These are just a few things to think about before you choose the room mate idea.
It would need to be strictly a business decision, not an emotional one.

That is a great way of looking at it and making it even more black and white.


The first one sounds the best, IF you could afford it, in my opinion.  But why would he have no responsibility for the house?
I'm confusing myself.

I think this option was tossed at me in hopes that I would walk away. I am going to include it as an option in the email back. So I really have 3. Lol. It has actually grown on me. I highly doubt he is willing to just walk away...


I have a question for you.  Is the house being dealt with before the separation can go forward?

He is trying to deal with the house first before separation. I feel that he should at least file for "D" before any house decisions are made pertaining to the selling the home and not a condition of moving back in. The lawyer I spoke with said that if I don't want a divorce, then make him file before  agreeing to selling/buyout etc. The rest you can mediate later and work out, we have a year.


From what I know (which isn't much).. ::)  A legal separation is exactly like a D with the exception you are still legally married and can stay on each others medical/health insurance.

This wouldn't really make a difference for me, but it would for him.


Thank you Thunder for your post! Adds more to the thinking to do!!
M 46
H 39
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Online Thunder

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #89 on: April 17, 2018, 12:05:33 PM »
I think a lot of people go the separation route for various reasons.  Religious beliefs, keeping health insurance, or just to wait things out.

I wanted to go that route but H said, in his fogged up brain..."nah, I think a D is better."  So look what happened, he divorced me but we are still together.  That D should never have happened.  Had we been legally separated we could have just called it off. 

I understand what you mean about having your cake and eating it too.  You're right.
Being roomies while he sees his ow is not going to work there hubby.

Well, I hope you come up with a better option.   :)
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline FearNotTopic starter

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #90 on: April 17, 2018, 05:50:00 PM »
Thanks Thunder, that is a valid point with going through with the D and then ending up together!! In the long run, the separation agreement would've been better.

Man I wish there was an easy answer to this. I never thought in a million years I would be in this position, but then again, that's how most of us have ended up here I think.  :'(

I think the best option is a brain transplant for H, so he can think clearly and make non MLC decisions  ;D.
M 46
H 39
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline FearNotTopic starter

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #91 on: April 17, 2018, 06:24:21 PM »
This is what I have come up with for the email. It tried to stick to the facts. Input and suggestions are welcome!!

Hello,

Option A) I personally am not willing to walk away and give you the title of our home. If this is an option for you and you would like to sign over the home and the line of credit, I would agree to that. I would need time to find a roommate and we would have to work out the legalities of this.

Option B) This is not an option that I find favorable. I have mentioned what this would entail previously. I noticed in your spreadsheet that you included what is left of the Home Buyers Plan that I used for our down payment split between us to pay!?!?!I didn't see anything regarding the other $19k+(money that was gifted to me prior to even meeting you)that I put down on our first home? That would have to be addressed with the sale among other things.

C) I don't think is a viable option.

D) I am fine with the bills and mortgage being split equally. In order for this to work there would have to be some boundaries in place, they would have to be agreed to prior and adhered to, it's not just a matter of bills and mortgage.

I understand that you want to deal with our home it seems to be the biggest part of this. Unfortunately there are many things that would have to be dealt with, not just the home. I think I have made myself clear when we have spoken about this prior, what my thoughts and feelings on it are.

FN

That's all I have. Not sure there is much more to add.  :-\
« Last Edit: April 17, 2018, 06:52:29 PM by FearNot »
M 46
H 39
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Online Thunder

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #92 on: April 17, 2018, 06:37:59 PM »
Good response FN,

Balls in his court.
May I ask what boundaries would be acceptable to you?
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline If_only

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #93 on: April 17, 2018, 06:44:20 PM »
FN - love it - strongly supporting you!  Great job!!
Big HUGS!  If

Offline seahorse

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #94 on: April 18, 2018, 06:31:56 AM »
FN - Following along.   Tough thing to do; I’m sorry you are put in this situation.  The email looks pretty good...

One thing I wanted to clarify about legal separation - yes, it is a legal process, but you ARE still married, so an affair is still an adulturous situation I think in all states.  So I disagree that you are allowed to date if that will involve physical intimacy.
That’s the way I understand it anyway.

Legal separation is good for asset protecttion if MLCer is going off the deep end, keeping insurance...

Hugs FN
Seahorses have one mate for life...

Online Thunder

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #95 on: April 18, 2018, 07:04:49 AM »
I believe you're right Sea, it can be used against you if it goes to a divorce.  It can be considered adultery and could effect the settlement or change the separation agreement in a negative way.
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline Schratz66

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #96 on: April 18, 2018, 10:55:33 AM »
I like it - sounds very business like and he can make his choice as he sees fit.

This cannot be easy and my heart goes out to you Fear.

Hugs
Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline FearNotTopic starter

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #97 on: April 18, 2018, 11:36:20 AM »
FN - Following along.   Tough thing to do; I’m sorry you are put in this situation.  The email looks pretty good...

One thing I wanted to clarify about legal separation - yes, it is a legal process, but you ARE still married, so an affair is still an adulturous situation I think in all states.  So I disagree that you are allowed to date if that will involve physical intimacy.
That’s the way I understand it anyway.

Legal separation is good for asset protecttion if MLCer is going off the deep end, keeping insurance...

Hugs FN

Thank for clarifying that Sea! That makes me feel better.

Thank for your support IF and S66! Hugs back!

Good response FN,

Balls in his court.
May I ask what boundaries would be acceptable to you?

In response to boundaries this is what I have thought of so far:
We are each responsible for our own groceries/meals.
We are each responsible for half of the household chores with the exception of personal space ie. your bedroom and own bathroom (something I previously always took care of all of it)
We are each responsible for half of the outdoor chores ( Also something I did.)
We are each responsible for our own laundry ( Again was mine)
OW or OM will not be allowed on or in property (need better wording to apply it to both somehow and not so harsh... )
We are each responsible for 50% of the mortgage, bills, and LOC payment and 50% of home insurance. (Car insurance is separated already)
We each are responsible to communicate if going to be away more than (trying to decide how many days to put here). With him being away for work, or if we take holidays I think it would just be courtesy to let the other person know time frame, no other details need to be shared. If for some chance we both are away, then we would need someone to check in and we would have to agree upon said person

That's it for now... looking for suggestions from those who have walked this path and what you encountered, that I might not be thinking of. Also not sure if there should be a stipulated time frame for when it would be revisited? Or stipulations about shared spaces? Frankly our home is big enough that if he was in an area and I wasn't fond of being with him... I can go elsewhere. Trying to think of boundaries for roommates and apply it, because I can't just make rules because I don't "like" it (ie phone convo in front me with OW that was mentioned earlier) but haven't had one in over 25 years.

Thoughts??

Also - I haven't received all the info I requested as of yet. Do I be nice and send the email because really it won't make a big difference at this point or buy myself more time waiting for what I asked for, and then replying? I'm thinking wait on him sending my request  ;D


M 46
H 39
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline If_only

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #98 on: April 18, 2018, 09:50:31 PM »
FN - I think your boundaries are coming together nicely! I mean you can always perfect them depending if he chooses the come home option. It is hard if they take a call from OW in your presence.  That happened to me and I had to get up and leave. It’s such a bizarre situation this whole MLC with an OW - it just seems so wrong. It would even be difficult  for your h to stay in your house while with an  OW but at least you have the opportunity to pave the way somewhat. I don’t know if you should put a time  limit on revisiting the situation as you may want to see if you can even stand the living  arrangement.
I don’t know the timeline on the info you asked for but if you send the reply email now  - you may have some answers.
Best of luck - I’m rooting for you!  Hugs if

Offline seahorse

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #99 on: April 19, 2018, 07:16:29 AM »
FN:
Have you honestly, truly looked at how having back in the home while in an ema would feel?  I can’t imaging the phone calls; even if you have to leave the room.  Who needs that stress or inconvenience?  Just be sure that you’re truly up to it before you go down that road.  I don’t think I could do it.  I’m sure you’re stronger than I am though!  Just think about it...

Hugs
Seahorses have one mate for life...

Offline Kitty

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #100 on: April 19, 2018, 07:29:45 AM »
I like the list of boundaries you have set up so far. I'm sure if he decides to move in there will be others that need to be put into place, but you've got a good head start.

Good luck!
Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 11.5
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 - Legal separation signed, and I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Online Thunder

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #101 on: April 19, 2018, 08:37:43 AM »
We are each responsible for our own groceries/meals. Good
We are each responsible for half of the household chores with the exception of personal space ie. your bedroom and own bathroom (something I previously always took care of all of it) Good
We are each responsible for half of the outdoor chores ( Also something I did.)Good
We are each responsible for our own laundry ( Again was mine) Good
OW or OM will not be allowed on or in property (need better wording to apply it to both somehow and not so harsh... )
Maybe neither of us will bring people home or spend the night, out of respect for the other one.
We are each responsible for 50% of the mortgage, bills, and LOC payment and 50% of home insurance. (Car insurance is separated already) Good
We each are responsible to communicate if going to be away more than (trying to decide how many days to put here). With him being away for work, or if we take holidays I think it would just be courtesy to let the other person know time frame, no other details need to be shared. If for some chance we both are away, then we would need someone to check in and we would have to agree upon said person
Maybe either one of us is going on be out of the house for any extended amount of time we could let the other know so there is no worry.   I wouldn't put a time frame on it....extended is enough.  An over night or a few days shouldn't be a problem.

Sounds pretty "room matey" to me.  As long as you can handle the phone calls.
« Last Edit: April 19, 2018, 08:39:35 AM by Thunder »
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline FamilyIsMyGoal

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #102 on: April 20, 2018, 06:22:00 AM »
I think your email is great FN.  Boundaries look good so far.  I think you are 90% there with that. 

From my experience with my H, I would definitely get a visit from Monster. So you might want to be mentally prepared for that.  Your email is good and if he monsters, it's because he has an MLC sense of entitlement and he doesn't want to deal with anything involving details. That's his problem.  You are doing the right thing.  And it's good for him to bump up against boundaries. 

Lots of hugs to you.  You are strong!
Divorce Bomb August 6, 2017
Married 19 years
Together 22 years
Physically separated - he's 15 miles away
Two Teenage boys
Me: 54
H 58
OW? I don't know - probably plural

Online Thunder

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #103 on: April 20, 2018, 06:40:17 AM »
You know FN, I was just thinking about your list.  It might be too specific and too long.  It may seem intimidating for him.  Plus their attention span is short.

Maybe you could find a way to shortening it, without leaving anything out.

Like for instance:

- We will both be responsible for taking care of ourselves, such as laundry, household and outside chores, groceries & meals.

- All bills are to be split 50/50, except our car insurance.

- Neither will bring people to the house, or have overnights, out of respect for the other. (he'll know what you mean)

- If either of us plans on being away for an extended period of time, we would notify the other so there is no worry.
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline FamilyIsMyGoal

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #104 on: April 20, 2018, 06:55:04 AM »
Good points, Thunder.
Divorce Bomb August 6, 2017
Married 19 years
Together 22 years
Physically separated - he's 15 miles away
Two Teenage boys
Me: 54
H 58
OW? I don't know - probably plural

Offline FearNotTopic starter

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #105 on: April 24, 2018, 11:50:46 AM »
Thank you all for you input. :D

I sent a revised email last Thursday ( Option A wouldn't include taking on the whole line of credit) and received an almost immediate response.  He choose option A- he wants out. He wants to walk away. I take over the mortgage, 1/2 the LOC and he peaces out. According to him, I need to get this sorted out in the next 2 weeks.  :o. He also asked what the boundaries on option D were? Told him neither one of us would have the person they were seeing on our property, out of respect for the other. He told me that option definitely won't work. Go figure!

I have an appointment May 1 with a lawyer to go over these things. I don't know that it IS in MY best interests to take this all on, even if they did approve me for it at the bank. According to H I just need to go to the bank, get approved and take it all on. He seems to forget about the legalities of these things...land titles,  removing names from documents legally, and that I'm not agreeing to his willy nilly ideas because he's inconvenienced. He told me he had been to the bank, knows what he's approved for. Then when I said I'd "try" to get it done when I could, he came back with I'm driving him into bankruptcy.  It was a difficult conversation that made me feel a lot of different emotions.

I had to take a step back, and really think about what I want out of this and what is best for me and how to go about this. I am starting with prayer, lawyer and getting myself centered to figure out what's best. Also trying to prepare myself for the poop storm that will probably head my way, when he finds out it's not as simple as he thinks, or if that option is no longer an option. I am trying to think of compromises, and buy myself some time in all this, but he is unpredictable and I need to take that into account.


Philippians 4:6 – 7 (NIV)
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which trancends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus”

FN

M 46
H 39
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline Schratz66

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #106 on: April 24, 2018, 12:28:03 PM »
Good thinking Fear.
Yes, see a lawyer and find out what is possible and how it all would work and then take time to decide what is best for you and how to proceed.
Of course he wants it done in two weeks - but, that's not how real life works and really who gives a damn what he wants.

Make it about you - figuring out what you want and how to go about it
Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline FearNotTopic starter

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #107 on: April 25, 2018, 11:15:25 AM »
Thank you S66!

Update,
Not much else has really been happening. I have been working 70+ hour work weeks, so I've been entertained :-\. Lol. Met up with some friends last Friday for a quick bevvie and visit. Spent the weekend working.

H and his Mistress did a drive by of SIL's that I keep in contact with. She was in her garage, saw them waved, H waved back, started laughing, gunned the car and took off without stopping. She tried calling and messaging, wouldn't answer. Finally got back to her and said they were in the neighborhood going to Home Depot and thought he'd show her where she lived!?!?This is at least a 20 min drive from where he is staying and he has a Home Depot 5 min from him. Mistress lives in another community 40 mins away, so not sure what their deal was. Said he didn't stop because it would've been awkward  ::). MLC weirdness at it's finest.

Today he messaged to say he was going to get his "mail etc." at our house while I was at work. Said thank for letting me know and left it at that. Wondering what the "etc." might be when I get home lol.

My niece was supposed to be coming this weekend from out of province. There was a death of a close family friend, so plans are up in the air. I hope it works out and she's still able to come.

Been feeling a little emotional lately. Spring is coming and H and I were always excited about this time of year. Cleaning up the deck, getting ready to hang out. This year, not quite the same. I've been putting off the clean up and haven't really been out there.  :-\ Going to have suck up it up and get through it though!!
M 46
H 39
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

 

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