Author Topic: My Story My story isn't over yet!  (Read 1619 times)

Offline FaithWalker

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My Story Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #10 on: March 17, 2018, 09:22:08 AM »
Hey FN!  Back from my vacation and getting caught up.  Beautiful song!  I hope you had fun at your function last night.   :)
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9907.0#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline FamilyIsMyGoal

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #11 on: March 19, 2018, 06:54:20 AM »
Ach! FN, I lost you for awhile!  I didn't realize you started a new thread.  So glad to hear you had the consultation.  Helps to put a little ground under your feet after you've been tossed out in space by MLCers. 

You sound great and Thank God we have each other to help navigate through the craziness of MLC land where everyday is opposite day. 
Divorce Bomb August 6, 2017
Married 19 years
Together 22 years
Physically separated - he's 15 miles away
Two Teenage boys
Me: 54
H 58
OW? I don't know - probably plural

Offline FearNotTopic starter

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #12 on: March 19, 2018, 11:43:47 AM »
Hey Family! Glad to see you back :)

Update


So the fundraiser was fun. I had to use my people skills, as the friend I attended with, had a lot of people she knew via her work and I go abandoned a few times ;). The guest speaker was good, she was talking about how we need to deal with shame and  guilt in order to move on in life. Say What?!?!? Did she get a special notification I was coming. Lol. Actually it was tough to not get emotional during her talk, as it really resonated with me. Hockey game was good, drinks were good, food was good, the little break was great!

 On the way home on Saturday I received a text from H that he will be over tonight to look at someones remote starter. I was surprised to hear from him on the weekend. Said thanks for letting me know and asked how his St. Patty's day was. He told me he was already into the green beer. Asked what i was up to, said driving back from the event, have some work to catch up, not sure if I would be celebrating it or not. He wished me safe travels and I left it at that.

So about the visit with SIL. It seems like the more I visit with her, the more comes up about their childhood. I have always thought that H had some issues to deal with from then, but I really didn't understand the magnitude of dysfunction that went on. He never really shared that, made it seem a lot less than it apparently was. That makes me sad. I also found out that alcohol abuse is a problem that runs in the family. His grandfather on his paternal side was an alcoholic and his dad has had issues in the past, but has been able to generally manage them. ( I had no idea about his Dad!). To me this is concerning but also validating as his alcohol consumption definitely increased prior to this all happening, and is certainly playing a part in his day to day now. MIL and FIL are having some issues with MIL mental health, meds, and FIL who retired less than 2 years ago is looking for a job due to financial issues. It makes it more understandable why they are not really dealing with H and his crap that he's tossing around. FIL attitude is that they should stay out if it, therefore no contact with me, and MIL doesn't agree, so it's creating issues there. I just said I wouldn't be contacting them. They know where to find me. I'm not here to cause problems. :( I have to admit that it does hurt to hear that.

SIL also text me last night. She hadn't really communicated with H for the last while. She is struggling with what he is doing and is having a hard time finding common ground. She said she asked him if he thought of me. He replied "Of course we were together a long time." She had then mentioned that she hoped he'd be willing to work on the relationship, that I really love him, and a marriage is worth fighting for. She received the MLC spew back about how he can't live in a love less marriage, and can't do things to make everyone else happy etc. She didn't tell me all of it, but I can only imagine. I told her that I would expect nothing less. He's not in that head space. He's wrapped up with Vicodin and has freedom right now and that constitutes as happiness. She said she replied saying that she loves him, can't support some of his choices, and is praying for him multiple times a day. She was so disappointed. I felt terrible for her.

Yesterday I took the day to myself. No working or housecleaning. I worked on a couple wreaths that I make and generally relaxed. I'm saying my prayers that his little drop in goes smoothly tonight.
M 46
H 39
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #13 on: March 19, 2018, 04:23:55 PM »
I don't think our MLCers understand how very many people are affected by their selfish decisions.  It does have a domino effect that they cannot fathom.  Friends and family both.  So sad.
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9907.0#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline FamilyIsMyGoal

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #14 on: March 21, 2018, 06:14:21 AM »
I'm glad you have your SIL to help you see that it's not you, it's him that is crazy.

  I struggle with that, but I am also grateful that my H's one set of cousins have really reached out to me (no one else in the family seems to want to touch it) and that soothes my soul.  In the beginning I felt tossed out like yesterdays garbage by his whole family.

So interesting about the dysfunction he grew up with and that he never really shared with you. 

How did the drop in go? Did you have to see him?
Divorce Bomb August 6, 2017
Married 19 years
Together 22 years
Physically separated - he's 15 miles away
Two Teenage boys
Me: 54
H 58
OW? I don't know - probably plural

Offline Schratz66

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #15 on: March 21, 2018, 10:24:07 AM »
Fear, glad you had a good time at the fundraiser. Isn't it odd that the in-laws will act like we are the trouble makers instead facing the fact that its their own flesh and blood that's causing the havoc? But I guess it is easier to blame others and then you wonder where H got his FOO from :)
I'm glad your SIL is on your side at least
Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline FearNotTopic starter

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #16 on: March 21, 2018, 11:33:01 AM »
I don't think our MLCers understand how very many people are affected by their selfish decisions.  It does have a domino effect that they cannot fathom.  Friends and family both.  So sad.
I totally agree FW! A huge ripple effect!

I'm glad you have your SIL to help you see that it's not you, it's him that is crazy. Thank goodness, because some days I question my sanity!!

  I struggle with that, but I am also grateful that my H's one set of cousins have really reached out to me (no one else in the family seems to want to touch it) and that soothes my soul.  In the beginning I felt tossed out like yesterdays garbage by his whole family. I'm glad that my SIL has reached out, but I do feel this from the rest of the family. I am trying to understand, but  it's tough when they were like parents to myself as well

So interesting about the dysfunction he grew up with and that he never really shared with you.  THIS... This is because they all pretend that nothing ever happened in their family. My SIL is the only one who seems to really be able to acknowledge that it wasn't good and there are issues to be dealt with. The rest choose to believe it never happened or just can't face it, the little my H did mention was definitely played down!!

How did the drop in go? Did you have to see him? I'll update below!

Fear, glad you had a good time at the fundraiser. Isn't it odd that the in-laws will act like we are the trouble makers instead facing the fact that its their own flesh and blood that's causing the havoc? But I guess it is easier to blame others and then you wonder where H got his FOO from :)
I'm glad your SIL is on your side at least
I am glad that I have my SIL so that I could at least realize that there really is FOO issues. I really had no idea of the scope of it. I think his family has a really hard time accepting that this too, does not fit their idea of the perfect life they want to believe is happening. It forces them to realize that there are issues. They don't like that!

Update!

Work is complete insanity!! I am putting in a lot of OT (yay dollars) but it's long hours and takes it's toll to some degree. I'm trying to remember to take some time for me each day, to do the things I need to do to stay grounded.

The drop in with H went well. He was there already when I got home from work. Sitting on the couch watching TV. It felt like any other day pre BD coming home from work, except that it is now post BD. It was such a weird feeling and I felt really sad when he left. I had a moment in time where I felt like nothing had changed  :'(.We chatted about our days. I kept it light and friendly. I offered him some soup that was ready, but didn't dish it up or make a move to eat with him. I had work to do, so I went about my business. He never answered me about the soup. He did his quick remote starter repair, came in to say goodbye and say he would still do my taxes :o.

The following morning I received texts from him asking about a certain spicy pasta I used to buy, where he could get it. I told him they no longer carry it. In the app we use we have these bear emojis that we have always used. I used to call him  "H Bear" all the time. These were our "thing". So he sends me the "sad bear" emoji. I wrote back, geez haven't seen that sad bear in a long time. He replied, saying "ya for sure, this one has always been my favorite" and send the bear with the broken leg with the stuffing coming out. That's the emoji I would send when he'd say he was on his way home from a work trip or anything pertaining to good news, because the bear was doing the "happy dance" for whatever reason and wiped out (our creative meaning that we created for it). I was totally shocked that he said that. I then said ya, that's always been my favorite too! Casual chit chat followed and that was that.

The messaging was so strange to have happen. I was happy that it was positive. I realize that it has no bearing (no pun intended) on whether or not he is moving back at the end of March. I realize it might have just been a good day, but I will take it and be happy, that I saw a glimpse of the good man I married.

Still no word on what he actually plans to do at the end of the month. I'm not going to ask. I tried to make it as comfortable and casual as possible when he was there, in hopes that it helps dispel his idea that it will be so awkward. (which it still would be). But I feel like if he was in our home, in might just be a tiny bit of a move in a positive direction. I know it does not mean that it is all over, MLC is done, he's back blah blah blah. It just gives me a tiny glimmer of hope and he's not living with Vicodin (who by the way has ceased posting on FB for any reason for over 2 weeks, including work?!?!? Little strange). It is funny though, when I stopped checking daily... she stopped posting... Lol.  I think this is one of those "not such a coincidence after all" antennae moments, as was the positive interaction  ;D. Thanks to the "Big Guy" upstairs, whom I have had many long chats with about all of this!!

 
M 46
H 39
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline sampsed

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #17 on: March 21, 2018, 11:51:02 AM »
FN,

Hope things work out and H comes home. 

My H is trying a trial return home right now.  It is a different type of stress and anxiety right now.  I am the one walking on egg shells but that is my choice for now.  I am working on my confidence given the change of events that brought him home.

Start to mentally prepare yourself in case he does come home....also in case he doesn't.


So glad there was a positive communication opportunity with your H!  Hope it continues.  Stay strong for you right now! 
https://affaircare.com/the-180/

No matter what....find a positive...no matter how small it is there is always a positive.

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out same day to be with OW (EA become PA approx. 2 mos prior)
BY 1966
H BY 1966
Married 32.5 years
Together 35 years
D - 1989 Married with 2 children, living locally
S -  1991 Professional School living across Country  - Still relies on us for support
3 Dogs - 1 was his baby that he left behind
Standing
No legal action yet
3/5/18 OW moved to another State  H moved in with F  
3/19/18  H moved home and is living in spare room  Reason:  Wasn't happy living with F and had an urge to want to be Home.  OW moved out of State.  They are still communicating.

Offline same33

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #18 on: March 21, 2018, 12:13:37 PM »
Hello FN. I'm continuously surprised by the information and encouragement coming from my SIL. She has filled me in on more and more of their childhood which is making so much sense to me now. I know that W has not dealt with any of that as she never brings it up. She's never wanted to discuss anything other than, "my father was an abusive @$$hole" and that is that. It's certainly nice that you have reassurance from H's family. We know it's not us. But it's still nice to hear, right?
M-44
W-41
S12, S9, S7
Married 9/25/2004
13 years of marriage
BD#1- December 22, 2014
BD#2- January 2, 2018
Standing for my marriage

Offline FamilyIsMyGoal

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #19 on: March 22, 2018, 08:43:26 AM »
Good for you FearNot!  You kept your composure, your cool and I'm sure your emotions were roiling.  It is extra hard when our old H returns and it feels like old times.  For me that's the most difficult to recover from.    With my marriage there was a lot of negative stuff going on as well as the positive so it's different. But it sounds like you are on the right track. 

It's interesting, my H has never really talked at all in depth about his father.  But from what everyone says he was a real jerk.  And he died when my H was around 30.  You would think after all this time, H would have learned to forgive him and have some compassion or something, but he just says negative things about him. Which leads me to believe there was a lot more going on than I ever realized.  I find it so strange when people are not willing to talk about stuff and really come to terms with FOO issues. 

I'm so glad your work is busy and you're getting the big bucks!  More trips to Mexico, maybe?  8)  Yay!  You sound great xoxox
Divorce Bomb August 6, 2017
Married 19 years
Together 22 years
Physically separated - he's 15 miles away
Two Teenage boys
Me: 54
H 58
OW? I don't know - probably plural

 

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