Author Topic: My Story Eye On The Prize  (Read 2173 times)

Offline KeepItTogetherTopic starter

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My Story Eye On The Prize
« on: March 20, 2018, 08:09:54 PM »
Well I have to admit I had a whole different direction I wanted to start out with. But, well, I have an MLCer story. And it's kinda funny so I wanted to share with my HS peeps!

Tonight H had a game for his varsity lacrosse team. He took S11 with him. They got home about a quarter to 8 tonight and I was sitting in the living room enjoying a glass of wine b/c it's Tuesday.   ;D H is telling me all about the game--Lacrosse...yada...score was...yada...we won....yada.   I was nodding and smiling. Did I mention there was wine? Anywho, I noticed his team shirt was one of those Nike Dri-Fit form fitting ones. It was really cute. So I mentioned I liked it. Once.  OK, wait for it, he literally took it off then and there and gave it to me.   Who does that?  Then came over to give me a hug and kiss. Mind you I am sitting on the couch and never got up. Still sitting here shaking my  head.

Anyway, the title to this thread is "Eye on The Prize" and that is supposed to be all about me re-focusing on my prize, S11.  B/c for too long my focus has been on H. And though I know I shouldn't, I just cannot bring myself to turn away from the carnage. But I know I need to. Now.

Thanks everyone for following along. I really do appreciate you all so much.

Link to previous thread:  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9761.0;all
Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Online bipolared

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #1 on: March 20, 2018, 08:21:38 PM »
Welcome to your new thread KIT!  Glad you have wine AND a cute new shirt.  If your H is like mine though, that shirt is going to make up for everything he has ever done to you.
I'm not looking for my other half because I'm not half a person.

Offline No expectations

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #2 on: March 20, 2018, 08:30:51 PM »
Hi KIT, following along!  I celebrated Tuesday with a nice rum drink myself lol.  Next time, you should tell h you like his car, see if he leaves that with you :o
Married 10 1/2 years, together 17.  BD 9/2016, 2nd BD 10/16.  H moved out 10/16.  2 AS's from my first M.  Me 55, H 49.  OW 23.

"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through; how you managed to survive.  You won't even be sure if the storm is really over.  But one thing is certain; when you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person that walked in...that's what this storm is all about."

"The trick is to enjoy life.  Don't wish away your days, waiting for better ones."

Online Treasur

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #3 on: March 20, 2018, 10:42:40 PM »
It is an old Bedouin tradition, to be fair....does he have a nice camel?  ;D
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #4 on: March 21, 2018, 02:24:10 AM »
It is an old Bedouin tradition, to be fair....does he have a nice camel?  ;D

Oh mist! (German word for $#!t) I just spit my tea all over the Control Console....

Is "camel" the new euphemism for ... never mind.....

And wasn't it wine that got you into trouble before?  ;D  IIRC - There was discussion about a text ban when wine was involved... Of course, if he came over, there was no texting....
Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer is initiating D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online Tyks

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #5 on: March 21, 2018, 03:13:08 AM »
Lol,  I am not sure if that is an mlc thing or just a man thing. They seem to find it attractive when we wear their clothes.  I had that happen to me recently by this guy I am seeing.  He seemed to think that he should leave his pyjama pants here for me to wear lol. I have to roll my own down about five times for them to fit,  probably have to roll his ten times lol

Silly silly men!

Keep your eye on the prize,  kit :)
Me 48
Him 48
22 years together - Married 20
BD1 - August 26, 2016 - ILYBINILWY
BD 2 - August 28, 2016 - OW discovered EA - Kicked him out
D15 D18
April 2017 - Legal Separation Agreement
August 2017 - I filed for divorce
Divorce final February 12 2018

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8823.0

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9005.0

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9120.0

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9279.0

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9649.msg635725#msg635725

Offline KeepItTogetherTopic starter

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #6 on: March 21, 2018, 06:56:18 AM »
It is an old Bedouin tradition, to be fair....does he have a nice camel?  ;D

Omg Treasur—that is freaking hysterical!!  And his camel seems to have a new ding, scratch or semi-major damage tonitbon a weekly basis. You know, like a 17 year old.  (UM—love that your mind went right to the gutter. Ok so did mine)

Right UM. There was no texting. And like I said, I was speechless while the captain of the team gave me his shirt. Wonder if he’ll ask me to prom.

NoEx, Tyks, Bipolared—thank you for following along. I always love reading your thoughtful responses.

Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Offline heroIam

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #7 on: March 21, 2018, 07:09:45 AM »
KIT,
I'm here!
Following along.  Great subject line! 
“In the end, you’ve got to be your own hero because everyone’s busy trying to save themselves.”

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #8 on: March 21, 2018, 07:20:56 AM »

Omg Treasur—that is freaking hysterical!!  And his camel seems to have a new ding, scratch or semi-major damage to it on a weekly basis. You know, like a 17 year old.  (UM—love that your mind went right to the gutter. Ok so did mine)

Right UM. There was no texting. And like I said, I was speechless while the captain of the team gave me his shirt. Wonder if he’ll ask me to prom.

Who knows... were you waving your Pom Poms and shouting "Hoo Rah Ree! Kick 'em in the knee!  Hoo Rah Ras! Kick 'em in the ... OTHER KNEE!" all the while batting your eyelashes at him?

Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer is initiating D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline sampsed

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #9 on: March 21, 2018, 07:29:53 AM »
What a great morning Laugh I just had!   Following along and enjoying the comedy.  Can never ever laugh too much!
https://affaircare.com/the-180/

No matter what....find a positive...no matter how small it is there is always a positive.

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out same day to be with OW (EA become PA approx. 2 mos prior)
BY 1966
H BY 1966
Married 32.5 years
Together 35 years
D - 1989 Married with 2 children, living locally
S -  1991 Professional School living across Country  - Still relies on us for support
3 Dogs - 1 was his baby that he left behind
Standing
No legal action yet
3/5/18 OW moved to another State  H moved in with F  
3/19/18  H moved home and is living in spare room  Reason:  Wasn't happy living with F and had an urge to want to be Home.  OW moved out of State.  They are still communicating.

Offline Acorn

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #10 on: March 21, 2018, 07:44:43 AM »
So I mentioned I liked it. Once.  OK, wait for it, he literally took it off then and there and gave it to me.   Who does that?  Then came over to give me a hug and kiss.

Following along, KIT!

My instinctive take on the above funny (but not in MLC world...) scene is two fold.

- Maybe he is showing you his wonderful six pack abs?  ;D
- My other take (serious) was that he is doing what he is capable of at this juncture in his muddled MLC life.  Sure, he was only capable of giving you his sweaty shirt but I see that as a positive gesture.  His ‘giving’ was spontaneous and so were his hug and kiss.  I trust his good intentions.  I would think of it as an effort to have a positive interaction with you at the most instinctive level.  I’m thinking if you have a mindset that ‘he is doing what he can’, it might positively influence the way you interact with him and vice versa.  I guess you could call it ‘grace’, undeserved favour. 

Just a thought from an incorrigible optimist!



Feb 2015: H has a Nuclear meltdown.  A tear-fest.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Still home

Offline Kitty

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #11 on: March 21, 2018, 07:50:51 AM »
Attaching KIT. Maybe he'll give you his class ring next?
Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 11.5
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 - Legal separation signed, and I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Offline Kanvan

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #12 on: March 21, 2018, 08:30:11 AM »
Following along Kit! Look at you girl, seems to me that he is finally seeing who the queen is. You keep doing what your doing.Get it girl!
Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1

You'll search for me inside of everyone you're with and I won't be found." R.H. Sin.

M-48
H-46
S27,S21, S16
Married 12/10/1994
Divorced 4/10/2018
23 years of marriage
BD- June 22, 2017 Moved in with OW-June 24th, 2017
Standing although divorced

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #13 on: March 21, 2018, 03:05:32 PM »
Good to know he has upgraded to apparel that you actually like as opposed to some of the earlier fashion faux pas outfits he put together for us to laugh at! 

Continuing on with you, KIT.   ;)
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline same33

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #14 on: March 21, 2018, 03:14:09 PM »
Hi KIT. Following along now. Love your attitude!
M-44
W-41
S12, S9, S7
Married 9/25/2004
13 years of marriage
BD#1- December 22, 2014
BD#2- January 2, 2018
Standing for my marriage

Offline Upintheair

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #15 on: March 21, 2018, 03:28:44 PM »
Kit, following you :)
"Attachment is the great fabricator of illusions; reality can be attained only by someone who is detached."
Simone Weil
Bd: 03-2015

Online Reallytrying

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #16 on: March 21, 2018, 04:37:43 PM »
Following along

Offline Never say never

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #17 on: March 21, 2018, 05:27:22 PM »
KIT, following along ... as always!!! 

All of you guys are amazing.  I really do laugh out loud when I read some of these posts.  I still say we have a reality show that could be aired with no writers involved.  We just take our stories and go with it.  I'm sure it would be a hit.

Offline seahorse

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #18 on: March 21, 2018, 06:45:18 PM »
KIT:
What a great laugh.  All the visions of pom-poms, letter jackets, class rings and such!  Made my day. 
I think Acorn has the right idea - be thankful for the fog-filled gesture and run with it.
I think being cautiously optimistic is always a good thing

Seahorses have one mate for life...

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #19 on: March 21, 2018, 06:58:00 PM »
Welcome to your new thread KIT!!

What more could you want? He gave you the shirt off his back. SMH.
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Online hopeandfaith

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #20 on: March 22, 2018, 12:52:01 AM »
I am with Acorn on the instinctive gesture from H.  Guess I am an incorrigible optimist too.

Love that you scored a new top.  Don't spill any wine on it!

I also have to say that I am pretty pleased with myself for working out what IIRC means  ;D

Happy Thursday KIT.  Hope you have found a suitable way to celebrate again.
BD's in May 09, Sept 12 - suspected OW
Left home Jan 12 2013
OW confirmed Feb 2013
Moved home April 11 2014
BD again in April 2017 - clinging. 
Moved out July 2017
D18, D16 and S14

Offline Milly

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #21 on: March 22, 2018, 01:06:41 AM »
Here too Kit!! Wouldn't miss your thread! Big laugh reading it! I would try for the car like Noe said!

My S wears the Nike dry fit shirts. They're very nice. Maybe your S could use it!
And love that you were drinking wine because it was Tuesday. I'm going to use this expression of yours!  xxx
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D23, D20, S13
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline Clara 12

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #22 on: March 22, 2018, 03:14:12 PM »
Welcome to your new thread KIT.

Anyway, the title to this thread is "Eye on The Prize" and that is supposed to be all about me re-focusing on my prize, S11.

The most precious in the world and do not forget you are his prize too. He will we so proud of such great mom!

Hugs KIT
XX
Married - 1995
BD March 2016 - ILYBINILWY
Jan 2017 - Left
May 2017 - OW discovered
Aug 2017 - Divorced

Online Mortesbride

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #23 on: March 24, 2018, 10:38:58 AM »
Just catching back up. :)

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #24 on: March 26, 2018, 09:42:39 PM »
Oh goodness KIT, wow, he is something else.   :P

Caught back up and following along.
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9907.0#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline KeepItTogetherTopic starter

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #25 on: March 27, 2018, 04:01:40 PM »
Thank you all for following along and offering encouragement and advice. It means so much to me!

This am H tells me a parent from the lacrosse team we just played on Sunday lodged a complaint letter to the league chair about him. This is actually the other U12 team which is technically the same team bc there were so many kids, they had to split them up. So huge rivalry according to H. Well he has some anger issues (hello MLC)  and was yelling at the refs and muttering things under his breath (but loud enough so the stats keepers could hear). These are 10 and 11 year olds. He does get very loud.  He sent me the letter and it was pretty bad. I think there is some amount of sour grapes bc we did end up beating them.  But much of what she said was true. I didn’t get into it with H, just replied to his email with “Bitter much?” (Referring to the woman who wrote the letter)  And he replied “Yep.” Mostly bc I didn’t want to get into it with him, either way, I lose. I didn’t want to reward this behavior by engaging in a general discussion where he would then reiterate his position. But I also have no interest in being his mommy and telling him to play nice. So although he plays it off, as a pleaser I know this probably really upset him. And truthfully, as a coach, as a judge, and as a mature adult, he shouldn’t have made any of those remarks.

So I’m sure my non-engagement is more justification in his mind that I’m just not supportive. Whatevs. He’s been so non-communicative lately. He runs away as soon as he drops S11 after a game. He gives me a quick hug and cheek kiss. But I have no idea where he goes or what he does. Well I have my assumptions. Which are not good. I just wish I didn’t care at all.  He hasn’t even asked about Easter. And I don’t bring it up either. I know better now. I have plans with S11 and bought his Easter goodies. Who knows if H will acknowledge the holiday. I guess there is still a part of me that thinks he will. And then when he doesn’t I’m disappointed. But, that is getting better with every holiday that passes by. I think I definitely cycle down near holidays.

Anyway, thanks for following along.

« Last Edit: March 27, 2018, 04:24:23 PM by KeepItTogether »
Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Offline bluerose

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #26 on: March 27, 2018, 04:24:19 PM »
   They are crazy arent they kit. I also cycle on the holidays. There just a numbness there that wont go away.

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #27 on: March 27, 2018, 07:50:00 PM »

Thank you all for following along and offering encouragement and advice. It means so much to me!


I agree, KIT.  Having people bother to take the time to respond to our posts does mean a lot to some of us.     Even if folks just post a sentence or two I always am thankful that they offered some support. 

Judgy McCoach better get his yelling and muttering under control!   ;)
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #28 on: March 28, 2018, 02:32:46 AM »
Ironically, it is the holidays when my Mid-Lifer ramps up the "BFF's and let's play Family" BS which usually ends up with my head in a knot....
Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer is initiating D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline No expectations

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #29 on: March 28, 2018, 04:09:18 AM »
Hi KIT,

I don't know why your H felt the need to let you know about the complaint, but I agree, it was no win situation for you.  I think I would have done something similar.

As for Easter, I'm glad you have plans w S, let H do whatever...  And I understand holidays being hard.  We have so many years of traditions, and all of a sudden, they are all forgotten by MLC'er, and we either have to continue them and pretend we aren't hurt by their absence, or find new traditions without them.  Either way, it is tough.

Sending you a big Easter hug, my friend!
Married 10 1/2 years, together 17.  BD 9/2016, 2nd BD 10/16.  H moved out 10/16.  2 AS's from my first M.  Me 55, H 49.  OW 23.

"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through; how you managed to survive.  You won't even be sure if the storm is really over.  But one thing is certain; when you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person that walked in...that's what this storm is all about."

"The trick is to enjoy life.  Don't wish away your days, waiting for better ones."

Offline Acorn

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #30 on: March 28, 2018, 04:25:33 AM »
Mostly bc I didn’t want to get into it with him, either way, I lose. I didn’t want to reward this behavior by engaging in a general discussion where he would then reiterate his position. But I also have no interest in being his mommy and telling him to play nice. So although he plays it off, as a pleaser I know this probably really upset him. And truthfully, as a coach, as a judge, and as a mature adult, he shouldn’t have made any of those remarks.

Well, IMHO, you did good by not engaging with him on HIS behaviour.  You actually WON! ‘Here in this corner is KIT, the winner of 100th round of MLC situation!!!’  👏👏👏👏👏👏

Who knows what is going on in his mind?!  If he think this way or that about your response/non response, he owns it.   When he grows up he will realize that KIT is not defined by his thoughts about you, but who you really are as defined by you. 

(((((((HUGS))))))))
Feb 2015: H has a Nuclear meltdown.  A tear-fest.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Still home

Offline Shining Star

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #31 on: March 28, 2018, 04:28:52 AM »
Yes, the holidays are difficult.  I miss the family traditions.  I miss not seeing the girls.  In the beginning, if I was alone on a holiday, I would hide under the covers.  Now (ok, so this is the first holiday) I made plans to be with a friend and her family.  I am going to color eggs, eat a nice meal, drink some wine, and enjoy the fact that people are happy that I accepted their invitation.  I am glad that you made plans with S and didn't wait for H to tell you his plans.  My H always waited until the last moment - like he was waiting for a better opportunity than to be with him wife and kids.. what a lemon!
H:56, I am 54
BD: March 2014, Left Sept 2014, Back Nov 2014
Left again in February 2015.  Asked for D on 9/22/15
Said he was "sure" he wanted a D in Dec 2015; 
Admitted long term affair - May 14, 2017 - says he is in love with the "symptom" but wants to build a relationship with me with "clear expectations" WHATEVER THAT MEANS!  Settlement Agreement signed 9/20/17; final divorce 3/14/17.

Offline Kitty

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #32 on: March 28, 2018, 06:19:26 AM »
I thought you handled his news about the complaint well. Easter was never really a big holiday for me ever. But this year instead of sitting around like I would have, I'm going to visit a friend. It's good that you and your S find something to do together. If your H wants to join, good, if not, then it's his loss.
Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 11.5
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 - Legal separation signed, and I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #33 on: March 28, 2018, 09:00:05 AM »
That anger seeps out all over the place doesn't it?  When the LBS won't take it anymore - refuses to engage it, it comes out other places.  I have LB yelling at the accountant this week.   

Good for you for refusing to get into it with him about his bad behavior.  Nothing good can come from entering the fray.  His life, his consequences.

I haven't heard from LB about Easter either. Word on the street is MIL is not coming to Jersey for Easter this year.  So LB is on his own.  I am sure he will wait until the last minute and then be all hurt that I already made plans. 
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline bluerose

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #34 on: March 28, 2018, 09:19:11 AM »
   Not to hijack your thread kit, but Dumbfounded you said that when the lbs refuses to engage they turn their anger elsewhere. It made me think that the coward might be doing so with d13 and that kinda pisses me off. She told me thst last sunday he became agitated with her and yelled at her. I just wanna choke that jerk.

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #35 on: March 28, 2018, 09:40:22 AM »
It is quite possible Blue that your H is indeed turning his anger on your poor D13 if you have refused to engage him anymore. The best thing you can do is help  teach your D13 how to assert her own boundaries.  A therapist can help her learn how to deal with toxic people to protect herself and not take their madness personal. It will serve her well all her life.       
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline KeepItTogetherTopic starter

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #36 on: March 28, 2018, 10:47:02 AM »
Blue--Yes definitely. My H rages everywhere now....except to me. B/c I'm out. It's not easy for me to be out though. It is a constant struggle. He has taken it out on S11 a couple times, but he sees him so little that it is usually not an issue. But, as DF said, best just to teach D13 how to deal with him herself, and you stay far, far away.

DF--my H raged at the realtor selling our rental last year at this time. He called her the C-word and told her  he was going to run her out of town. LOL  Mind you, the agency we used are old family friends of his family, and neighbors to MIL and FIL--they are super close. So, this did NOT go over well. MIL was mortified. Your CPA story resonated with me as well!

Still--apparently the bad mouthing each other went viral yesterday as they exchanged several e-mails (the 2 coaches) I'm happy to have NOT been included in that correspondence.  Oh, and at last night's game (H is also the Varsity head coach for a high school team), H was EJECTED from the game due to his outbursts.  :o  Clearly he is channeling his anger somewhere.

UM, NoEx, Shining-- yes the holidays are hard aren't they? All we can do is move forward. I tend to dwell on it too, but that generally does me no good. UM--holidays are when my H usually gets sentimental too, but Easter seems to have a different dynamic for him. It is like he wants to block it out completely. I think it is b/c it is the one holiday we always hosted as a family. We had both sides over to our house for the day--egg hunts and late lunch. Always a blast. Last year and this year, he has basically ignored it.

Shining--lemon. Love it. I was thinking that same thing this am.

Acorn, I think I need to frame that. His thoughts about me change wildly by the minute it seems. Right now I think he wishes I would just go away peacefully. Not dead. But just out of his way. So, I will give him that wish.

This am S11 was an alter server for mass at his school. H went for the first time. He lasted for 20 minutes. Fidgeted the entire time. Made inappropriate jokes and left before communion. The gospel was all about how Judas betrayed Jesus. "Have you ever been betrayed by the person you trusted the most" asked the Priest.  Wonder if H made the connection. Let's just say I had a hard time keeping a straight face. At least I wanted to laugh instead of cry though right? Progress.

Anyway, thank you all so much for following along. Yes, Still, I really do appreciate each and every one of you. Not sure what I would do without your support.
 
Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Offline Kitty

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #37 on: March 28, 2018, 01:30:27 PM »
Let's just say I had a hard time keeping a straight face. At least I wanted to laugh instead of cry though right? Progress.

Anyway, thank you all so much for following along. Yes, Still, I really do appreciate each and every one of you. Not sure what I would do without your support.
 

Progress is always good!
Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 11.5
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 - Legal separation signed, and I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #38 on: March 28, 2018, 01:33:11 PM »
Not helping his case there is he KIT?  The way to calm one incident is not to go exhibit the exact same bad behavior at another game with new people.  He is gonna get himself a.... "big reputation, big reputation/Ooh, you and me, we got big reputations/Ah, and you heard about me/Oh, I got some big enemies” (Sorry, D and I got Taylor Swift tickets and I have been studying for the big event)

I would not have made it through that "Have you ever been betrayed by the person you trusted the most?" service.  Yes... and *sob*
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Online bipolared

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #39 on: March 28, 2018, 07:34:40 PM »
This am S11 was an alter server for mass at his school. H went for the first time. He lasted for 20 minutes. Fidgeted the entire time. Made inappropriate jokes and left before communion. The gospel was all about how Judas betrayed Jesus. "Have you ever been betrayed by the person you trusted the most" asked the Priest.  Wonder if H made the connection. Let's just say I had a hard time keeping a straight face. At least I wanted to laugh instead of cry though right? Progress.
Priceless!  I usually have to at least steal glances at H when stuff like this happens.

Hope you and S have a great Easter!  I still buy Easter goodies for the D's-I'm sending D21's tomorrow and crossing my fingers it gets there Saturday night.

I'm not looking for my other half because I'm not half a person.

Offline handpuppets

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #40 on: March 28, 2018, 07:57:45 PM »
Attaching, KIT!

The rage phase is best watched from the side lines. You are doing a fantastic job not engaging him. Keep it up! Hope you and S11 have great Easter!
“Lighthouses don’t go running all over an island looking for boats to save; they just stand there shining.” -Anne Lamott

Offline Silver

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #41 on: March 29, 2018, 01:32:31 AM »
KIT, agree, keep yourself out and let him monster, protect yourself and kids. You are doing great, just keep it that way  :)
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline heroIam

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #42 on: March 29, 2018, 06:57:13 AM »
Hey KIT....
Don't engage. You know I'm a text/call away if you need to vent or just decompress.

Will see you soon and hope you have a nice Easter.
“In the end, you’ve got to be your own hero because everyone’s busy trying to save themselves.”

Offline KeepItTogetherTopic starter

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #43 on: March 30, 2018, 06:57:14 PM »
Thank you everyone for your thoughtful words and support.

I went to watch the Passion at S11's school today. It was very moving the way they did it. It gave me an opportunity to do some reflection. Thinking again about Judas, and how I was holding back laughter at the thought of H sweating it out beside me as he listened to the parable. I realized something. Maybe the lesson wasn't about me being the martyr. It was about forgiveness. Jesus ultimately forgave Judas after all. Will I be able to do the same? Will my hurt and pain ever really go away ? And will I be able to look at H without thinking of the horrible things he did? And continues to do? Jesus forgave. I will too. Someday.

So today, as Good Friday, was a short day for S11. MIL was out of town so I stayed home to pick up S11. I had mentioned this to H. He shows up this am to take S11 to school and he is wearing shorts. It is a court holiday. I could have gone into the office. I am not sure if he even thought about it at all. Seems to be extremely preoccupied these days. Then when he came over this afternoon to get S11 for practice he was sun burnt. Probably spent the day in the sun. In my mind I immediately go to him having a great big day of fun with OW. And I was just so angry and hurt. So when I closed the front door as they left I was boiling and ready to scream out some really choice words about H. But then I noticed a bunch of Easter gifts in the Dining Room for me and S11. And on my card H wrote my pet name. I must admit, my heart did soften when I saw this. And decided to give him his Easter gift from S11 and me when they returned. He seemed really touched. And even gave me a hug and kiss. Look, I have no idea where OW is in all this. If they are hot and heavy now. Who knows? And really, I just want to stop obsessing over it all once and for all.

So tomorrow am S11 and I will go to a Bunny Brunch with some friends. This is a tradition H and I have done since S11 was born. I did not invite him. (Even though it is at the club which he willl get the bill for--ha, I may just "buy" my friends several rounds of drinks!) I know, that is not very Jesus-like. But hey, I am mortal after all.  ANyway, it does make me sad that he will not be there. But I know inviting him will only make him feel pressure. And truly, if he really wanted to go, he knows it is happeneing and could have said something. As it is, he hasn't even asked about Easter at all.

Then tomorrow night I plan on taking S11 to the Easter vigil. It is a long service but a powerful one. And I want. No I need this re-birth for myself. I need to re-direct once and for all. I can't stay stuck here forever.

Anyway, these are the latest rantings of a semi-sane LBSer. I hope everyone has a wonderful Easter.



 

Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Offline Silver

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #44 on: March 31, 2018, 01:47:02 AM »

I went to watch the Passion at S11's school today. It was very moving the way they did it. It gave me an opportunity to do some reflection. Thinking again about Judas, and how I was holding back laughter at the thought of H sweating it out beside me as he listened to the parable. I realized something. Maybe the lesson wasn't about me being the martyr. It was about forgiveness. Jesus ultimately forgave Judas after all. Will I be able to do the same? Will my hurt and pain ever really go away ? And will I be able to look at H without thinking of the horrible things he did? And continues to do? Jesus forgave. I will too. Someday.


I love this, KIT.
Have been thinking about forgiveness so much myself, talked about it with deacon and in D seminars. It is the goal, has to be for me yet being honest I am not nearly there yet as may not you.
But for me, being able to forgive, for them and for ourselves, is the way to releasing the pain for good.
It comes when it comes but I really love your thoughts about it and thank you for sharing  :)

Happy easter KIT.
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline seahorse

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #45 on: March 31, 2018, 05:32:04 AM »
KIT:
Great post about forgiveness.
I think if we truly love our MLCer, we will be able to forgive.  AND we'll know when that time is right.
Early forgiveness leads to bitterness when we're betrayed again - IMHO.
It's happened to me; I forgave to only be betrayed again.
Would I forgive again?  No doubt.  Call me stupid I guess!...  Or a fool in love.

I hope you have a great Easter and a fun Easter Brunch with friends and S11. 

..."so that our sins may be forgiven"
Seahorses have one mate for life...

Offline Mrs.Smiling

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #46 on: March 31, 2018, 05:51:23 AM »
Seahorse....Yes that is me as well..Maybe that's why its ten times harder this time to get past it and forgive. I forgave him and was actually working on things when he left again. I started to "trust" and "forgive"..but I was slammed again. It really destroys your faith.

Maybe some day I'll get there..But now right now.
Be the best version of yourself... there is no other

Offline same33

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #47 on: March 31, 2018, 06:03:55 AM »
KIT, amazingly beautiful post on forgiveness!

Sea and Smiling, I’m with you. How many times am I going to have to forgive? I did once. I’m not going to be able to forgive the second time unless she owns it. Or it just won’t happen for even longer.
M-44
W-41
S12, S9, S7
Married 9/25/2004
13 years of marriage
BD#1- December 22, 2014
BD#2- January 2, 2018
Standing for my marriage

Offline Never say never

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #48 on: March 31, 2018, 06:08:42 AM »
KIT, OMG ... I started at the beginning of your thread and was LMAO!!!! 

I love NoEx's comment ... haha ... still laughing. 

And I take offense at the drinking comment!!! I feel that was directed at me.  Okay, I'm guilty.  Haha!!  Only kidding.   I do say that if you are going to drink, give your phone to someone responsible to hold onto so you don't look at it the next morning and go:  "OMG ... did I do that?"   ;D ;D

KIT, you won't stay stuck here forever.  I know how strong you are.  Forgiveness is essential.  But it has to come in its own time.  Really, I have no anger towards my husband.  We have "sick" spouses.  We really do.  I do believe that when this is over, they will not remember what they have done. 

Smiling, never let this destroy your faith.  I have forgiven.  I trust myself.  Remember, no expectations ...

Happy Easter, KIT and everyone else ;D ;D




Offline Clara 12

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #49 on: March 31, 2018, 08:17:33 AM »


It really is a shame for the MLC'er not participating in family things like so many used to do. At least you will have a lovely time with S and keep the tradition going. Enjoy your Easter, hopefully  chocolate, goodies specially after the monkey braining. It remains hard not to think about what they are doing...

I went to watch the Passion at S11's school today. It was very moving the way they did it. It gave me an opportunity to do some reflection. Thinking again about Judas, and how I was holding back laughter at the thought of H sweating it out beside me as he listened to the parable. I realized something. Maybe the lesson wasn't about me being the martyr. It was about forgiveness. Jesus ultimately forgave Judas after all. Will I be able to do the same? Will my hurt and pain ever really go away ? And will I be able to look at H without thinking of the horrible things he did? And continues to do? Jesus forgave. I will too. Someday.

Ditto for me. I watched The Passion as well and made it a goal for this year to be able to forgive... It is so not me so a real challenge. But I truly want to be able to forgive because I also get to benefit from it.

Happy Easter KeepItTogether!

Married - 1995
BD March 2016 - ILYBINILWY
Jan 2017 - Left
May 2017 - OW discovered
Aug 2017 - Divorced

Offline Acorn

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #50 on: March 31, 2018, 09:14:25 AM »
Hey KIT, the following quote stood out:

I can't stay stuck here forever.

You and I have been at this for a while and we follow each other’s story.  One thing I know for sure is that you are NOT stuck!  You have been moving forward, growing steadily and coping with our situations better and better.  We have been getting ‘unstuck’ bit by bit.  Hopefully your McJudge is copying your positive steps.  One is allowed to hope!

A very happy Easter to you because He has risen, and (((((HUGS))))))))
Feb 2015: H has a Nuclear meltdown.  A tear-fest.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Still home

Offline handpuppets

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #51 on: March 31, 2018, 09:20:19 AM »
Forgiveness is a process, even Jesus acknowledged that.

Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven. Matthew 18:21-22 KJV

[Look at the Catholic whipping out the Bible verses.]

Happy Easter, KIT! May it bring peace and renewal in your life.
« Last Edit: March 31, 2018, 09:32:54 AM by handpuppets »
“Lighthouses don’t go running all over an island looking for boats to save; they just stand there shining.” -Anne Lamott

Offline heroIam

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #52 on: March 31, 2018, 11:42:23 AM »
I agree with hp about forgiveness
This is all one big process.  ::)
Have a nice Easter KIT.
“In the end, you’ve got to be your own hero because everyone’s busy trying to save themselves.”

Offline SteelSpine

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #53 on: March 31, 2018, 02:47:59 PM »
I used to have a really hard time with forgiveness, but then I started to think about it in the same way as the financial sense, i.e., forgiving a debt.   

You don't forget it, you don't say it's okay, you just release the feeling that you are owed something. There is no need even to tell the person you forgive. It's all inside yourself, and for yourself.

Forgiveness became easier after that.
me 54
H 50
S12, S8 & S8
M 1/98

BD 7/16  PA - OW 47, divorced, no children
Separated, 8/16 - I kicked him out

H sleeping on a couch at his business, three blocks from our home.
No legal action possible until immigration issues sorted out.

BD#2 9/17 - OW now employed by H full time

Offline Milly

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #54 on: March 31, 2018, 03:46:39 PM »
Kit, I think you're great, I love your sense of humour, and I really believe your H still cares about you but he's still in his crisis. I say he still cares because he left you and S11 those Ester gifts. Many of us LBSes, and their kids, would be so happy to get a gift for Easter, OW or no OW. It's not petty to feel good after these gifts. They are little messages from your H not the monster. It's just that they are going through their crisis and can't come back now, but they know you are special and he wants to let you know. If he didn't think this, he wouldn't give you anything. A clinger like your McJudge is hard, but it's also good at times. Enjoy it.

Love that you and S go to the church service. I'm not religious any more but I admire anyone who receives strength from their faith. Happy Easter to you two.xxxx
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D23, D20, S13
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #55 on: March 31, 2018, 07:21:36 PM »
Happy Easter KIT!! Have a wonderful day!!o

I am not even going to get into the forgiveness discussion because I am nowhere even close. My Pastor told me that I can choose to hold a sin against a person for as long as want but I should leave the judgment respecting that sin to God. And that is where I am... I am holding the sin but feel no responsibility to punish the sin. I leave that to God.

Maybe one day i will be able to release the sin against those people who have betrayed me and my kids... but I am not making any promises. Not today.
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline KeepItTogetherTopic starter

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #56 on: April 01, 2018, 12:40:05 PM »
Thank you everyone! I have read and re-read all of your responses. They are so supportive and truly helpful.

Ok. I may have slipped up yesterday. I got together with a new friend. Her son just started playing lacrosse on S11’s team this year. She’s super sweet and we really have a lot in common. So. It turns out she was personally asked by Coach Judgy McJudge for her son to play on the team when they me at the New Years Eve party....where he went with OW. Of course this was just days after he told me it was over with OW and wanted to work on “us.” Then I guess OW went to her house to interrogate her about ME after the first lacrosse game in March!! New friend was pissed! She said she felt used bc OW had befriended her after learning her boy was going to be on S11’s team. New friend told her that’s I was a wonderful person and that she would never answer anymore questions about me.

She said she couldn’t believe he would choose her over me. And that she’s put on even more weight (hahaha!)  And that she was clearly threatened by me.  Well of course!

But then, I blew it. Kind of. Sent H an email asking where the damn D papers are?  That was it. All I said. Bc OW has referred to me as H’s X.  I know I know. I didn’t observe any of the rules. Just fired it off! H simply responded “What?????” So I texted him this am explaining where that came from. He apologized—not really sure for what. Just a blanket sorry. Whatevs. I told him I know he can’t control other people. But hat I really didn’t want any drama in my life. He said, “ I don’t either.”  Again, whatevs.

New friend then preceded to tell me how OW had plotted to get pregnant with her second child with her 1st H, even though she was married to the 2nd H at the time. Yep, crazy confirmed. And now maybe H will be H number 3!!

I guess I knew he was seeing her. He’s been very distant. And he blocks me on text at nighttime which tells me he’s with her.  Anyway, take me out with all the 2x4s. I deserve it. I really hate this so much. I still just can’t fathom that he has this whole other life now that I’m not a part of. I know he wants nothing to do with me. And maybe it’s temporary. Maybe not. I just wish I could accept it either way!

But today is Easter. And Christ is risen. And I can be re-born too. Starting today. Again. Ug!
Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Online Tyks

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #57 on: April 01, 2018, 01:29:49 PM »
Kit,  you are allowed to have your feelings and you are allowed to talk to him about them.  The thing is,  he still can't give you anything right now and maybe not for the forseeeable future. 

I don't know how you handle what you handle with such grace anyway.  I would have been a basket case long ago. 

You keep doing you and let him do him. Figure out what it is that kit wants in life :)
Me 48
Him 48
22 years together - Married 20
BD1 - August 26, 2016 - ILYBINILWY
BD 2 - August 28, 2016 - OW discovered EA - Kicked him out
D15 D18
April 2017 - Legal Separation Agreement
August 2017 - I filed for divorce
Divorce final February 12 2018

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8823.0

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9005.0

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9120.0

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9279.0

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9649.msg635725#msg635725

Online Reallytrying

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #58 on: April 01, 2018, 01:38:49 PM »
So sorry KIT - it’s hard navigating all this foolishness. P

Offline bluerose

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #59 on: April 01, 2018, 04:41:00 PM »
    Kit,
      There is nothing wrong with getting angry when your hurt. Your a human being. I have a hard time still with the fact that the coward has a new life and wh*r^ and i dont exist. Its been 3 years and it still hurts. These ow's are nasty things arent they.

Offline KeepItTogetherTopic starter

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #60 on: April 02, 2018, 08:39:04 AM »
Tyks, Blue, RT—thank you for commenting.

So this am out of the blue I get this text from H:

“I don’t have a girlfriend. Not that it makes what I did right. I don’t want to argue. I want to make up with you and come home. If I still have a home.” And then “Love you.”

Do I believe him? Mmmmmm, not really. I mean I’m pretty sure he sees her. Sleeps with her. Maybe it’s just semantics in his eyes. Maybe he doesn’t want to hurt me by acknowledging. Or maybe he knows it isn’t “forever” and my text yesterday jolted him out of the tunnel momentarily. Bottom line, they are just words. Words Ive hear before with no action.

He took S11to San Diego for a lacrosse trip with another coach and his son this am. Not gonna lie, I’m looking forward to a few days without having to see him. Seriously, this is exhausting. He is exhausting.

Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Offline same33

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #61 on: April 02, 2018, 08:45:23 AM »
Wow, KIT. So are you just sitting on this for the moment? What is going on in your head because of this?
M-44
W-41
S12, S9, S7
Married 9/25/2004
13 years of marriage
BD#1- December 22, 2014
BD#2- January 2, 2018
Standing for my marriage

Offline No expectations

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #62 on: April 02, 2018, 08:48:05 AM »
KIT,

I totally agree about the exhausting part.  These clingers take way too much energy, don't they? I guess time will tell if the actions match the words. I'm hearing the exact same thing from my husband.  I'm not expecting anything either...
Married 10 1/2 years, together 17.  BD 9/2016, 2nd BD 10/16.  H moved out 10/16.  2 AS's from my first M.  Me 55, H 49.  OW 23.

"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through; how you managed to survive.  You won't even be sure if the storm is really over.  But one thing is certain; when you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person that walked in...that's what this storm is all about."

"The trick is to enjoy life.  Don't wish away your days, waiting for better ones."

Offline Acorn

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #63 on: April 02, 2018, 08:54:32 AM »
Hey KIT, he may be right in saying that he does not have a girlfriend as such.  She is just a convenient sidekick, or whatever.  Just semantics as your said.  What does it matter what he calls her as long as she is in his life?!   As you said, let’s see some action, H!  If he really means ‘return’, he would have lots and lots of actions to show. 

I think you got this, KIT.  You just let him stew and see if he goes anywhere with ‘wanna come home’ and ‘make up with you’ message.   If it is something he has been contemplating for some time, he will DO something about it.  If not, you know it was what he felt at that exact moment he texted you and he’s moved onto something else since then.  The ball is in his court and KIT’s not going to touch it with a 100ft pole, right, KIT? 
Feb 2015: H has a Nuclear meltdown.  A tear-fest.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Still home

Offline seahorse

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #64 on: April 02, 2018, 09:00:24 AM »
Kit:
Following - must be hard (a little bit) not to get hopeful with that text.  See what his actions show.  That’s where the truth lies.  Enjoy your time “clingless”.
Seahorses have one mate for life...

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #65 on: April 02, 2018, 09:01:54 AM »
You will never get a 2x4 from me KIT for telling them how you feel or pointing out the utter mess they have made - I am the queen of truth cannons. I call it like I see it with LB.  As long as your objective is not to get some pity or sympathy from the MLCer, because you won't get it and you will be disappointed. You will just look weak and set yourself back. I think you were just issuing a strong boundary warning.

Must be in the air out there is CA because my brother asked to come back home this weekend too. I will tell you what I told my SIL - guard your heart, he is nowhere near ready and he has a lot of work to do, he is looking for an easy fix to his pain...stand firm and look for actions to back up his words.     

For any newbies out there - Blue is dead on correct - these OW are nasty things indeed.   

Well, we made it through another holiday peeps!!   
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline KeepItTogetherTopic starter

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #66 on: April 02, 2018, 09:24:53 AM »
Same: Yes this is where I simply nod and smile. And expect NOTHING. B/C I've heard this all before. I used to eat up these words like it was the best thing ever. Now? Well, its better than a kick in the head I guess.

NoEx--I do think your H is much further along than mine though. At least he is seeing a professional. And actually wants to spend time with you. But I do acknowledge that it can be more painful in that it is so close and yet so far. 

Acorn--Yes, KIT is staying back. My response was simply, "Yes this is still your home." B/c it is. But nothing about me wanting him to come home or the "making up" part. I mean, first of all, who even talks like that? Oh yeah, teenagers.  And now he's on spring break with the high school lacrosse team. OMG!

Sea--Yes it is very hard to not get hopeful. But I've had some practice. He started saying these kinds of things last July-ish. And goes back and forth. He has said he wants to come home MANY times. So I really do take that with a grain of salt.

DF--Thank you friend. Yes, my H is not cooked either. I am hopeful your brother comes to his senses sooner rather than later. And your MOW2 has got to be the WORST of all b/c she was your friend. There is nothing more disgusting than that in my opinion.  You are one strong woman!
Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #67 on: April 02, 2018, 10:11:17 AM »
If there is one thing I have learned in all this KIT, it is that MOW2 was NEVER my friend. She was, and continues to be a narcissistic psychopath incapable of true friendship.   
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #68 on: April 02, 2018, 04:56:54 PM »
KIT - a few days for you to decompress and concentrate entirely on YOU! 

Geez - these OWs are such pathetic messes.  Hope your new friend continues to have your back. 
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline heroIam

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #69 on: April 03, 2018, 07:08:24 AM »
KIT.
Nice text. Hopeful.  However, my two cents is that unless he is willing to FACE YOU (no text or phone call) with some very deep remorse and you feel in your bones that it is sincere -  i would be cautious - and I see you are being very cautious.

It is frustrating I'm sure!  Though nice to hear that he wants to come home.  I know you know him probably better than he knows himself at the moment - and it is very brave of you to stand your ground.
“In the end, you’ve got to be your own hero because everyone’s busy trying to save themselves.”

Online Mortesbride

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #70 on: April 04, 2018, 04:52:31 AM »
I think in the first few months a text like that would have shot my hopes sky high and I would be singing for joy...just to get knocked back down I am sure.

Now a text like that I would just be like ''Yeah, what until tonight?''  ::)

Probably not the best response but that is how it feels now.

Offline sampsed

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #71 on: April 04, 2018, 06:09:54 AM »
It is great that he is poking his head out of his hole and testing the waters. 

Hoping he continues to grow!
https://affaircare.com/the-180/

No matter what....find a positive...no matter how small it is there is always a positive.

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out same day to be with OW (EA become PA approx. 2 mos prior)
BY 1966
H BY 1966
Married 32.5 years
Together 35 years
D - 1989 Married with 2 children, living locally
S -  1991 Professional School living across Country  - Still relies on us for support
3 Dogs - 1 was his baby that he left behind
Standing
No legal action yet
3/5/18 OW moved to another State  H moved in with F  
3/19/18  H moved home and is living in spare room  Reason:  Wasn't happy living with F and had an urge to want to be Home.  OW moved out of State.  They are still communicating.

Offline Kanvan

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #72 on: April 05, 2018, 05:09:22 PM »
Kit, I hate the playing with the head mind games they do. H called MIL right after he was served the protection order and texted me and S22. He told us all that he wanted to mend us if I was willing and would I please just talk to him. I know that he is not ready and my two older sons S27 and S22 said "Mom, no because if he was ready he would be serious and he is not serious yet." S27 said he has a ways before he hits rock bottom. So, I know how you feel girl but you are a strong queen and you wear that crown with pride my friend. Let him see who the real prize is. Hugs to you.
Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1

You'll search for me inside of everyone you're with and I won't be found." R.H. Sin.

M-48
H-46
S27,S21, S16
Married 12/10/1994
Divorced 4/10/2018
23 years of marriage
BD- June 22, 2017 Moved in with OW-June 24th, 2017
Standing although divorced

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #73 on: April 05, 2018, 05:28:21 PM »
He sounds pretty messed up KIT, he probably means to reconcile and it's what he wants in his heart, but he is still in MLC so hsi feelings and what he thinks he wants could change in a heartbeat.

Watch for actions and beware of his words.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline KeepItTogetherTopic starter

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #74 on: April 06, 2018, 11:10:58 AM »
Well I think I now fully understand (if that is even remotely possible) how my midlifer thinks. Whenever he or I go away on a trip, he freaks out and makes all kinds of reconciliation promises. As soon as he gets back....nothing.  This rule has its exceptions of course...like when he goes on a trip with OW. But even then, I've noticed he will send an "I miss you" text. So very strange.

This last trip he took, he started out strong (LOL) by sending all kinds of "love you" and kissy emojis to me. Then they started filtering off to all business yesterday. Which was the day they returned. Like clockwork. He dropped off S11, gave me a shirt he got for me while on vacation, and ran away.  Yes, very messed up indeed.  I am however happy that he spent some time with S11 on the trip. But then S11 told me that he and the other coaches son spent a lot of time alone while "Dad and Coach J had to do stuff with the team."  Or, as I like to put it, "Head down to he hotel bar for a few adult bevvies."

Oh well. Least I got a shirt out of it.  Strangely enough he then texted me at 5:30 this am with another pic of S11 from the trip. 5:30 AM. He is not a morning person. So either he was thinking of me and couldn't sleep (OH HE!! NO!) orrrrrrrrrrrrrrr he was bolting from the scene of the crime (OW's cave). OK, no more monkey-braining.

I was invited to a family reunion for H's fam. He was not. Problem is, it is in Charleston. This USED to be my fav city. In fact, it was both H and my fav. But it is tainted now. I will get over that crap. But this summer may be too son for me. And truthfully I have many other trips in the books.  I hate it though that he did this to us. That our favorite city now has OW history. "Biggest mistake I ever made." Right. OK. And continue to make apparently.

Anyway, I am still trying to calm myself down from OW's latest attempt to break into my life. I mean, if her R with H is so damn solid, why does she care a lick about what I am like? I'm trying to just think of her as a symptom. Trying to NOT think of her at all. It is not an easy task.

OK, time for me to reset once again. Put the expectations away. Put the pressure on myself to be better away too. But re-focus on my career (which I am thinking about making some changes) and most importantly, S11. Although, truthfully, my focus on him is pretty rock solid. He is a great boy. I pray to God every day that MLC and my reaction to it hasn't done too much damage.
Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Offline bluerose

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #75 on: April 06, 2018, 11:57:38 AM »
    I think we all pray for that kit.

Offline same33

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #76 on: April 06, 2018, 12:17:51 PM »
KIT, how does your S11 talk about this stuff? I have the live in situation, as you know, and my S12 is VERY vocal about asking questions. Sometimes S9 is as well. I quit defending her months ago, as I knew I had better start validating their feelings so they don't end up super messed up. Now, I just reiterate that her behavior has nothing to do with them. That they have every right to feel mad, sad or whatever. And that all we can do is try to love mom through "whatever" it is that she's going through.
M-44
W-41
S12, S9, S7
Married 9/25/2004
13 years of marriage
BD#1- December 22, 2014
BD#2- January 2, 2018
Standing for my marriage

Online Tyks

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #77 on: April 06, 2018, 06:31:20 PM »
Kit,  my xh ruined our favourite vacation spot :( I was thinking of taking the kids back this year,  we missed last year BC I was a mess,  but I still think it os too soon.  Hopefully we can get back to our happy places :)
Me 48
Him 48
22 years together - Married 20
BD1 - August 26, 2016 - ILYBINILWY
BD 2 - August 28, 2016 - OW discovered EA - Kicked him out
D15 D18
April 2017 - Legal Separation Agreement
August 2017 - I filed for divorce
Divorce final February 12 2018

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8823.0

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9005.0

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9120.0

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9279.0

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9649.msg635725#msg635725

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #78 on: April 07, 2018, 07:31:48 PM »
Oh these pesky OW get in our heads and it is hard to shake. Had my own MOW2 meltdown today. Not even sure why. I know they are not worth our time and energy. But sometimes it just gets to us.

I pray the same thing about my kids without ceasing KIT.
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #79 on: April 07, 2018, 11:14:36 PM »
KIT - you just keep being the best momma you can be to that darling son of yours.   

Don't dismiss the Charleston trip just yet.  You may feel differently as it draws closer. 
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline KeepItTogetherTopic starter

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #80 on: April 11, 2018, 12:57:18 PM »
Same—that is perfect, according to my IC anyway. I asked how to deal too. She also recommended that we be there as a sounding board for the kids. Every so often to check in emotionally and see how they are doing and whether they have questions. It can be awkward and uncomfortable but I do believe that is what will help most in preventing a whole new crop of MLCers!

Blue, Tyks, DF, Still—thank you for your continued support!!

H has been his same scared, sad, aloof and absent self. He checks In mornings when he comes to get S11 for school. Then NC. And we don’t see him until next am. 5 days a week, S11 gets his Dad for that 5 minute drive to school. Oh and lacrosse practice and games.

No follow up to Hs proclamation that he wanted me back and to move Home, as expected actually. Ran back into the tunnel. He does hug and cheek kiss me every time he sees me tho. And last night after lacrosse I didn’t bother getting up off the couch when they came home. I was enjoying some wine and candlelight.  ;D So he gave me the info on the game then came over to the couch to hug and kiss me before leaving. So strange. I never initiate this. But I don’t push him away either. Whole thing is just bizarre.

So anyway, I’ve been grappling with work stuff lately. I think I may have a plan which I’ll share a little later. I found it gave me some peace of mind and an excellent vehicle to get my mind off H! Anything that will help me detach is welcome in my world.

S11 and I watched The Last Jedi over the weekend. This kid was obsessed with Star Wars for 2 solid years and I had to bribe him to watch it Bc well, apparently he’s over it now. Well, he’s a talker. Pretty much talked during the whole thing lol! And all I could think was how truly lucky I am to be having this experience. This little human wants to spend time with me and chit chat about all kinds of things. I did find myself getting annoyed at one point bc I couldn’t hear the movie. But then I thought, I can always watch this any time. And soon, S11 won’t want to just  hang out with old mom. It’s a privilege and a gift. And I am just so thrilled that I’m in a place now where I can actually see that.
Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Offline same33

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #81 on: April 11, 2018, 01:39:06 PM »
KIT, those moments with the kids are priceless within the chaos!

My IC really liked my response to the kids too. And I'm not having to check in as something seems to happen every few days so I'm in triage mode to make sure they are ok anyway. Unfortunately, I'm looking for a new IC as mine just didn't have the experience with MLC to really help me anymore.
M-44
W-41
S12, S9, S7
Married 9/25/2004
13 years of marriage
BD#1- December 22, 2014
BD#2- January 2, 2018
Standing for my marriage

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #82 on: April 11, 2018, 01:55:48 PM »
Love your quality time with S11.

My IC said something similar regarding the kids. I dragged both kids (S12 and D16) in to meet with my IC at one point. My IC said that I need to be aware that I am the kids "point person". They will go off and have experiences and then they will circle back to me and check in.  My IC said should be very aware of these check ins and let her know if something seems off because they might not come right out and say it but they will try to "hint" about it.

So important to listen to and validate our loved ones.   
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline KeepItTogetherTopic starter

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #83 on: April 11, 2018, 04:55:39 PM »
Almost forgot. H brought a photo this am for me—an 8x10 of him and S11 taken with the high schoolers lacrosse team. This photo was just H and S11. Said he’d get a frame for it. I’m not holding my breath on that one. But also, 8x10? Really? Of them both? Ummmm thank you?
Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Offline waiting4

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #84 on: April 11, 2018, 05:46:58 PM »

   Catching up with you KIT.. you sound good, and I think you are doing an AMAZING job with S11..

 as for OW , we all monkey brain..although for me my brain is gaining a rather diabolical twist in regards to OW..LOL.. OHHH some of the things I'm thinking...my daughter does a great impression of OW..Hispanic accent and all.. it makes me laugh..daughter said if her dad ever speaks to her again she is only going to communicate with him in Spanish..( OW is peruivan )

you are a year behind me on this ride and your H sounds like mine in that time frame.. I had 2 occasions where H told me he was thinking about coming home.. I got the I love you... I miss you... all the niceness then nothing...it is so script and you are handling it far better than I did.. I admire you...

this is one crazy trip.. I'm thinking to myself .. we went to Mlcer land and all we got was a lousy t-shirt...

Keeping you and S11 in my prayers..
Me-55
H - 55
Adult D- 35 ( our only child)
Married 37 yrs. married 33 yrs at time of BD
date of BD July 2015
OW- YES, 35 yr old Peruvian with a 6 yr old son
H- moved out of our home in Oct 2015 and moved straight in with OW
H- says he doesnt know what he wants, doesnt want divorce, wants long term separation. doesnt know what the future holds.
 H- Jan. 2017 he visits a fertility clinic.
 H - stopped seeing me for the entire year of 2017.except for 3 emergency situations
 H- has introduced OW to his family and visits them often with OW.
 H- has introduced OW to a few of our friends.
 H- told me that OW does want him to divorce me and they have talked about getting married.
 Entering 2018. H has not filed for divorce.
He is still living with OW

 If you're going through Hell, keep going

Offline sampsed

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #85 on: April 11, 2018, 06:29:18 PM »
My IC said should be very aware of these check ins and let her know if something seems off because they might not come right out and say it but they will try to "hint" about it.
[/b]
Thus explains my h not my kids. When he wants to tell me something he just starts dropping hints. I refuse to take the bait. Lol
https://affaircare.com/the-180/

No matter what....find a positive...no matter how small it is there is always a positive.

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out same day to be with OW (EA become PA approx. 2 mos prior)
BY 1966
H BY 1966
Married 32.5 years
Together 35 years
D - 1989 Married with 2 children, living locally
S -  1991 Professional School living across Country  - Still relies on us for support
3 Dogs - 1 was his baby that he left behind
Standing
No legal action yet
3/5/18 OW moved to another State  H moved in with F  
3/19/18  H moved home and is living in spare room  Reason:  Wasn't happy living with F and had an urge to want to be Home.  OW moved out of State.  They are still communicating.

Offline No expectations

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #86 on: April 11, 2018, 07:08:35 PM »
KIT,

How awesome that S is so tuned into you.  You really are his rock, you know?  And the Last Jedi is a great move, even though I'm not a major Star Wars nerd...definitely watch it again!

Let H keep cooking, he continues to draw nearer.  You are amazing!!
Married 10 1/2 years, together 17.  BD 9/2016, 2nd BD 10/16.  H moved out 10/16.  2 AS's from my first M.  Me 55, H 49.  OW 23.

"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through; how you managed to survive.  You won't even be sure if the storm is really over.  But one thing is certain; when you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person that walked in...that's what this storm is all about."

"The trick is to enjoy life.  Don't wish away your days, waiting for better ones."

Offline Acorn

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #87 on: April 12, 2018, 03:34:55 AM »
I had a strange image when I was reading about your H’s kisses and hugs, and giving you the photo of S and HIM.  It was an image of an insecure boy checking in with mommy because he is scared that he might get forgotten or ignored by her. 

He might shoot me for saying this, so, don’t tell him!  ;D

« Last Edit: April 12, 2018, 03:46:39 AM by Acorn »
Feb 2015: H has a Nuclear meltdown.  A tear-fest.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Still home

Offline heroIam

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #88 on: April 12, 2018, 07:09:33 AM »
I had a strange image when I was reading about your H’s kisses and hugs, and giving you the photo of S and HIM.  It was an image of an insecure boy checking in with mommy because he is scared that he might get forgotten or ignored by her. 


Acorn took the words right out of my mouth. 
I totally agree.
“In the end, you’ve got to be your own hero because everyone’s busy trying to save themselves.”

Offline Shining Star

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #89 on: April 12, 2018, 07:50:10 AM »
Kit,

I am all caught up.  Wow!  It is shocking how all of these Hs' act alike.  I went through 3 years of the hit and runs - my head was literally spinning.  It doesn't hurt any less to be off the merry go round, but hoping that total NC will eventually help me heal.  It just sucks - all of it! 
H:56, I am 54
BD: March 2014, Left Sept 2014, Back Nov 2014
Left again in February 2015.  Asked for D on 9/22/15
Said he was "sure" he wanted a D in Dec 2015; 
Admitted long term affair - May 14, 2017 - says he is in love with the "symptom" but wants to build a relationship with me with "clear expectations" WHATEVER THAT MEANS!  Settlement Agreement signed 9/20/17; final divorce 3/14/17.

Offline intown28

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #90 on: April 12, 2018, 08:00:11 AM »


Who knows... were you waving your Pom Poms and shouting "Hoo Rah Ree! Kick 'em in the knee!  Hoo Rah Ras! Kick 'em in the ... OTHER KNEE!" all the while batting your eyelashes at him?

 
That is to funny

Offline Kanvan

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #91 on: April 12, 2018, 01:10:04 PM »
Oh my Kit! The struggle is real. You are doing great girl! Quality time with your son is precious and I reflect on the time I spend with my boys and my grand kids and think about all the time ex is missing and will not get it back. It does sound like he is making some progress, and you my queen are handling it superb!Hugs to you!
Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1

You'll search for me inside of everyone you're with and I won't be found." R.H. Sin.

M-48
H-46
S27,S21, S16
Married 12/10/1994
Divorced 4/10/2018
23 years of marriage
BD- June 22, 2017 Moved in with OW-June 24th, 2017
Standing although divorced

Offline KeepItTogetherTopic starter

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #92 on: April 13, 2018, 09:44:13 AM »
Same, DF, Waiting, Kan, Acorn, In, Shining, Hero, NoEx, Sam—thank you all for your continued support. It truly means so much to me. I take to heart each and every one of your comments.

So I kind of lost it this am. I’ve been on a down cycle for some reason. Thinking about H and OW pretty nonstop. It even kept me awake a bit last night. Woke up this am and couldn’t find Hs tax info that he kindly dropped off last week so I could do OUR taxes. I was frantically looking as H saunters in to get S11 for school. I was more than distant. Practically ignored him. When he said he’d be by early tomorrow am to drive us to the game I told him over my shoulder, not turning around, that we could drive separately. So he leaves, then comes back in with another lame excuse, proceeds to hug and hiss my cheek—I pulled away slightly this time bc I’m just so over it. Didn’t deter him. I wasn’t rude. I was smiling. Big hug to S11, and they were off.

Door closed and I lost it. How in Gods good name am I not over him already? What the H is wrong with me? I am a pathetic loser!!!! I don’t truly believe that last art but in the throws of my crying I did say those words. Ok, that lasted about 5 minutes. I collected myself, fixed my makeup. Was happy I was having a good hair day and that my clothes seemed to be fitting extra well today. I always think I need to lose weight but a size 2/4 at 5’5” is probably ok. But I do obsess over my appearance now. Wish I didn’t. Maybe bc I was bald for a second there. Who knows.

Got to my office and found the tax stuff! Yay. New game plan for getting organized and working on detachment. Sorry for the rant. Just still blows my mind that I am this person that still loves this man who has treated me pretty horrifically over the past couple of years. I know. MLC. Ahhhhhhhh. Ok, better now. Just wish I could shake him once and for all. Thanks all!
Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #93 on: April 13, 2018, 09:58:13 AM »
It is okay to have a meltdown now and again. What we have been through is the unthinkable. But look, it lasted 5 minutes and you were back out there slaying the day. A year ago it would have been several pj days before we could regroup. Progress is slow... it takes time. Lots of it.

You are not a loser!! No negative thinking - banish it. You dared to put your whole heart into another person and they crapped all over it. Who is the loser?   

It is Friday the 13th.... expect the difficult today.  8)   
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline Acorn

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #94 on: April 13, 2018, 10:07:15 AM »
Quote: ‘Door closed and I lost it’.
Correct order of things.  Imagine ‘I lost it and closed the door’.

If love were conditional MLCers will have no one to love them! 

Your wish is my command.  I have thouroughly shaken him for you.  Turned him to a milkshake.🥤Enjoy!
Feb 2015: H has a Nuclear meltdown.  A tear-fest.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Still home

Offline Kitty

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #95 on: April 13, 2018, 10:11:22 AM »
I hope the rest of your day gets better KIT. I dread those days, and I'm usually able to tell when one is heading my way.

Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 11.5
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 - Legal separation signed, and I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Offline sampsed

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #96 on: April 13, 2018, 10:31:47 AM »
5 minute breakdown?  Impressive....I lost it for over 24 hours!


It is ok and you are not lame...it is MLC.  If it wasn't none of us would be here.  We know our spouses are not right and we are willing to tough it out and give them some time right now.  Sux for sure!

We got you!
https://affaircare.com/the-180/

No matter what....find a positive...no matter how small it is there is always a positive.

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out same day to be with OW (EA become PA approx. 2 mos prior)
BY 1966
H BY 1966
Married 32.5 years
Together 35 years
D - 1989 Married with 2 children, living locally
S -  1991 Professional School living across Country  - Still relies on us for support
3 Dogs - 1 was his baby that he left behind
Standing
No legal action yet
3/5/18 OW moved to another State  H moved in with F  
3/19/18  H moved home and is living in spare room  Reason:  Wasn't happy living with F and had an urge to want to be Home.  OW moved out of State.  They are still communicating.

Offline Busy_Bee

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #97 on: April 13, 2018, 10:50:50 AM »
KIT,
5 min! something is really wrong with you!
you have to reverse your detachment urgently!
you are not playing by the rules :)

Offline Shocked

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #98 on: April 13, 2018, 11:05:01 AM »
Hi KIT, I’m working on getting caught up. Moving is really draining!!!
I am still laughing hysterically from the shirt story!!!😂
It’s so easy to have good and bad days, hours and minutes. You’re doing so much better!!!! Keep Hanging on!!!
I care🤗
H 51
W 58
M 22 Years
2 AD both married from my first M
BD 12/15 moved out-in replay, vanisher, MOW in Atlanta
D 2/17

Offline Milly

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #99 on: April 13, 2018, 11:45:28 AM »
Kit, had your thread open since this morning to remember to comment about how much I enjoy you and your thread. You are never going to be a loser, but I know those feelings. Me too, I struggle to get OW out of my head and I was fortunate enough to not have to be bald for a while, but it made no difference, still insecure about my looks. I think infidelity is going to do that to almost everyone.

I love your relationship with your S11. He sounds so sweet and so do you. I find it fascinating to hear about MLCers like yours who hug and kiss daily because I have one of those who will get burnt if he touches me. My impression is your H ran back in the tunnel when he scared himself by talking about coming home. But he still wants to know he can. He's just working through his issues.

Nice that the clothes are fitting well. Love when that happens. Hope the weekend goes well!
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D23, D20, S13
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline KeepItTogetherTopic starter

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #100 on: April 13, 2018, 02:04:33 PM »
Busy—lmao! I know right?

DF—thank you for your kind words my fellow queen!

Acorn—you are so right. Just a few months ago, I would have lost it with him. Today I realize it is wasted energy and more excuses for him to be an a$$hat.

Kitty—much better. Treating myself to sushi for lunch and a glass of chard. Shhhhh don’t  tell my boss. Wait, that would be me.  :D

Sam—you are way better at this than I was at your stage!!

Shocked—how thoughtful of you to check in. I know how busy you are!

Milly—you are so sweet!! Yes our babies sure to have a way of bringing us back to reality.

Anyway, I’m better now. Just a tad melancholy and hoping to wipe that away this evening. Meeting friends for dinner—well they are the parents of S11s BFf and they’ve been so great! And H texted me this am saying that indeed we may just have to drive separately tomorrow am bc he has to take 4 players since their parents can’t go. Probably for the best—it’s an hour and a half away. And I didn’t need the car ride with him at this point in my life. Annnnnd right when he texted my new friend (you know, the one who was interrogated by OW about me) offered to carpool with S11 and me. Thank you universe. And it’s a nice bonus that H seeing us together has just got to make him super uncomfortable. Lol. Ok, my seaweed salad has arrived. Have a great weekend all. And thank you for talking me off the ledge. Again.
Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Offline Kanvan

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #101 on: April 13, 2018, 02:38:03 PM »
Kit, you all have talked me through a lot of down days. I have thought about H and Pondscum quite often since the divorce on Tuesday. I also get down on myself and this week has been one of them and I wonder what do you not see in me that you see in her?? I just want to scream, "Do you  fail to remember she is a drug wh*r^?" Then there are days that I miss the companionship of the old H and long for him to wake up. Ugghhh!!!The struggle is real my friend but you have been an inspiration to many of us. Hang in there and keep up the great work!! Let him see the queen you are  :)
Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1

You'll search for me inside of everyone you're with and I won't be found." R.H. Sin.

M-48
H-46
S27,S21, S16
Married 12/10/1994
Divorced 4/10/2018
23 years of marriage
BD- June 22, 2017 Moved in with OW-June 24th, 2017
Standing although divorced

Offline KeepItTogetherTopic starter

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #102 on: April 16, 2018, 09:52:15 AM »
This past weekend we had back to back lacrosse games Sat and Sunday. H had already texted me about us driving separately. Turns out he drove 2 players and then the assistant coach and his son went with H. So S11 and could have gone with him. He just chose to do it this way. S11 and I went with another family so it was a fun ride and I frankly didn’t think an hour and a half with H in a car was a great idea. But I won’t lie and say it didn’t sting that we weren’t even invited.

Next day H texted me asking how S11 was bc he had a bad attitude the day bef. I told him he was great now but a bit sad yesterday so go easy on him. His response was “Sad bc you guys didn’t ride with me?” Mind you I said nothing about this. Clearly he knows. So I responded “Well mainly that it appeared you chose to bring other player on the team and not him. But we talked through it. I told him a white lie that you did invite him but I made the decision.” His response “I’m a horrible father. I’ve been a fool. I’ve got to make some major changes in my life and make them now. I know what I’ve lost. All of it.” I told him I wasn’t trying to make him feel bad. Ok, maybe that was a lie too. Then he texted that he loves me. I didn’t respond.

So then last night I needed him to charge S11’s laptop for school bc H had his backpack. But I noticed my texts weren’t delivered. So once again I’m blocked for whatever reason. So I emailed him that I needed the Chromebook charged. I needed my check. And that by next year we will be divorced so he can do his own damn taxes. I know. There was no grace or patience happening there.

This am he tells me that he didn’t block me that he turned his phone off. (Same thing IMO) And that he doesn’t want a D. So I said, “”Oh you want me to hang around in the background as your wife while you have a girlfriend? That’s normal.” I know—I broke many rules. He said he doesn’t have a gf and will not have one. And that he wants to come home. I didn’t respond. He then gets to the house super early to charge S11s Chromebook and brings me a Starbucks with a note that says “I love you.”  Exhausting.

He lied about OW the entire time they were together up until last September when he declared that he was now going to be with her. I left him alone after that until Dec. at that time he was already cycling back toward me. He has said he wants to come home many times now. I’m not stopping him. But this time I just didn’t respond to it. Heard it before. If he truly wants to come home, he will make it happen. He knows my rules as we  went over them last September.  But yeah, I’m not holding my breath. I’m just taking it Day by Day. Making plans and planning trips with S11 for the summer and not including H. And having no expectations, or maybe even having expectations that H will continue to stay away.

Just wish I didn’t miss him. That part is brutal. I did thank him for the coffee and the note. But I didn’t respond to him saying he wanted to come home. I’m not even sure how to. Or if no response is best—would love some advice there. We are coming up on my 2 year anniversary of BD. Oh joy!
Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Online Treasur

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #103 on: April 16, 2018, 09:59:54 AM »
If he truly wants to come home, he will make it happen. He knows my rules as we  went over them last September. 

I did thank him for the coffee and the note. But I didn’t respond to him saying he wanted to come home. I’m not even sure how to. Or if no response is best—would love some advice there.

Depends what you want and what you think your son can cope with too.
MLCers are pretty good at a) forgetting old conversations and b) pretending to forget/not understand boundaries they don't like. So, up to you...ignore it until/unless he puts something concrete on the table as you are doing, or remind him of the first steps you'd require that you said in Sept.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline same33

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #104 on: April 16, 2018, 10:17:35 AM »

Just wish I didn’t miss him. That part is brutal.

I believe that is the most brutal part for most of us, whether live in or not. It is the daily heartbreak, sometimes hourly.
M-44
W-41
S12, S9, S7
Married 9/25/2004
13 years of marriage
BD#1- December 22, 2014
BD#2- January 2, 2018
Standing for my marriage

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #105 on: April 16, 2018, 10:59:59 AM »
KIT I would just ignore it.  Here is the thing... when you mention the GF he just says he doesn't have one. He makes no move to apologize or explain or understand why you would bring that up or to heal the pain he has caused you... it is just a flat denial. The purpose of his statement is not to reconcile ... it is to buy himself time, to spare himself shame and guilt and plant doubt into your head. That is manipulative plan and simple.  It is not not kind. If he really, truly knows what he has lost he would DO something about it.

I stood in front of LB waving receipts for flowers, dinners, presents, text messages to other women, credit card bills for find a $l*t sites. I had people who saw them together. There he stood there in front of me  repeating "we are just friends" "I am not doing anything wrong" "you are seeing what you want to see" over and over and over again ad naseaum.  My IC finally told me.... when he comes to you, hand in hand and turns over his cell phone, admits to you what he has done... every last detail and says he is sorry... then and only then will we even discuss repairing the marriage. Until then he is just lying to everyone, including himself.     
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline Acorn

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #106 on: April 16, 2018, 11:53:48 AM »
Dear man, action, ACTION!  Don’t think a Starbucks is an action.
He KNOWS what he is (a horrible father and a fool) and what he needs to do (make major changes) but until he backs that up with consistent actions over a long period time, his words are worth nothing.   He knows that, right?  I believe this knowledge is innate and even a little child knows it.  Let’s hope he follows up with some concrete action.  He heard you last September.  Unless he is in the throes of dementia, no need to remind him of the content, IMHO.  If you feel particularly generous, you could say to him that you outlined what he needs to do back in September?  I’m sure your LBS intuition is finely tuned and can spot empty words 100 miles away. 
 
Feb 2015: H has a Nuclear meltdown.  A tear-fest.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Still home

Online Tyks

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #107 on: April 16, 2018, 11:59:53 AM »
Hey,  kit.  I would ignore him too.  I think he needs to show you actions and not words. He has said many words to you but never follows through. I really think u need to tell him to crap or get off the pot or you are never going to heal and move forward :(

Exhausting
Me 48
Him 48
22 years together - Married 20
BD1 - August 26, 2016 - ILYBINILWY
BD 2 - August 28, 2016 - OW discovered EA - Kicked him out
D15 D18
April 2017 - Legal Separation Agreement
August 2017 - I filed for divorce
Divorce final February 12 2018

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8823.0

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9005.0

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9120.0

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9279.0

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9649.msg635725#msg635725

Offline Clara 12

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #108 on: April 16, 2018, 09:46:04 PM »
He knows you want him to come home without a doubt. No need to repeat yourself over and over again.

With the I Love you's he keeps you stuck. He does not seem to make any efforts to work on himself and becoming a better father to your son.

He contradicts himself continously and you will have to think and decide for yourself if you need to put in some boundaries. Although it is just a few minutes per day he does see your son. But hugging and kissing you might be something to concider to no longer allow since it does you no good.

Hugs kit
Married - 1995
BD March 2016 - ILYBINILWY
Jan 2017 - Left
May 2017 - OW discovered
Aug 2017 - Divorced

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #109 on: April 17, 2018, 03:11:19 AM »
At the risk of repeating what everyone else has said so far....



Talk is cheap.. CONSISTENT ACTIONS are needed and not more Blah blah blah blah...
Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer is initiating D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online Whyus

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #110 on: April 17, 2018, 04:28:41 AM »
I have to agree with Clara kit. Your H is "giving" you just enough to Keep you exactly where he wants you to be.
I would stop the hugs, kisse and I love Yous... if he loved you then he wouldnt be hurting you like this...
Saying that, I really hope that he means it and is starting to see what he is slowly loosing.


Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 44
W: 44
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28. Trainings partner. Still together
2 Sons - 18 & 19
2 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Filed
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0
T10. http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9547.0

Offline Kanvan

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #111 on: April 17, 2018, 07:40:28 AM »
Kit, that is what is so frustrating. They know our rules but seem to give us just enough to keep us holding on. It is sad, because we both know we deserve more than just crumbs.

I have to agree with Clara, and I need to take the same advice she gave you for myself. Hang in there Kit! You got this sweet friend!
Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1

You'll search for me inside of everyone you're with and I won't be found." R.H. Sin.

M-48
H-46
S27,S21, S16
Married 12/10/1994
Divorced 4/10/2018
23 years of marriage
BD- June 22, 2017 Moved in with OW-June 24th, 2017
Standing although divorced

Offline KeepItTogetherTopic starter

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #112 on: April 18, 2018, 11:03:46 AM »
Thank you all for your wonderful and thoughtful insights and advice. And yes, I’m pretty much ignoring it—actions are what matter. And there are still none.

Today in MLC land: H is wearing his pale yellow linen trousers, pale blue gingham shirt, pale blue tie, navy jacket and blue suade Cole Haans (which I bought for him years ago for obviously more casual days). Looked like he walked straight out of a Vineyard Vine catalog. He looked nice of course. But, well, mlcish.

He did come upstairs to say goodbye when he got S11( I’m trying to keep the distance). He hugged and kissed me. I went downstairs to get S’s things together for school. H reached over and touched my arm. Then gave me yet another hug when they finally left. Sadly it no longer has any effect on me. All it tells me now is that H thinks I’m slipping away and he’s trying to secure me. But, I think I am slipping away. Found myself thinking about how I might like to be in a R with someone who cherished me. And how that person isn’t H. Hmmmmm
Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Offline heroIam

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #113 on: April 18, 2018, 11:29:52 AM »
I found those thoughts came up for me also,  kit, at 2 years in. Those thoughts still cross my mind but now I'm just exhausted and rather like the peace and Serenity of being alone. And just deal with the loneliness. But not opposed should someone come along as a companion.
I understand completely. Too bad sometimes it's just too little too late for some mlcers.
“In the end, you’ve got to be your own hero because everyone’s busy trying to save themselves.”

Offline Lioness

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #114 on: April 18, 2018, 02:03:18 PM »
I am now caught up on your thread KIT! Oh waouh, your H is still in the trenches! Breathe, and carry on being your awesome self!

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #115 on: April 18, 2018, 03:35:08 PM »
Oh the clothing choices they make crack me up.

I dream about having a partner that loves and respects me and shares my life with me all the time. I am, however, jaded and find it hard to believe this person actually exists in RL. I have resigned myself  to just living my life on my terms - no partner required.
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #116 on: April 18, 2018, 09:54:03 PM »
Took me a while to get the picture of your H in to my head but looked up the Vineyard Vine catalogue and now I'm sorted ;)

Men have it easy when it comes to fashion and a small mistake can make them look ridiculous.  Although your H looked great in his outfit, I can see how he would look MLCerish.  My H started wearing skate shoes at the age of 56 - light grey ones with a while sole :o  He teamed this with a brown (yes, brown! ) KNITTED tie  :-\  I don't have to comment too much on that one!

Men have a couple of things to get right with fashion, it's only shirts and pants for goodness sake, but women on the other hand have SO much more to consider.  When I'm getting dressed up I think about hair and highlights, nails, lashes, make-up, shoes, fake tan, jewelry, underwear and of course, the endless fashion choices!  I hope I never have a MLC because there is a LOT to go wrong there ;D
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Online Reallytrying

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #117 on: April 19, 2018, 03:48:43 AM »
I had to look up vineyard vine too 😂😂😂. I do understand beginning to see yourself with someone else - I’ve begun to feel like that too. Someone who finds what I have to say to be of value.

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #118 on: April 19, 2018, 05:01:05 AM »
I third the "Beginning to see myself with someone who values me for me" thing... and, if hero is any indication, right on time.... 30 months in...

As far as Vineyard Vines, they had some (SOME) nice shirts (I own a couple similar to the conservative blue plaid) but then THIS came up... O M G!

Just .... NO!

Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer is initiating D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #119 on: April 19, 2018, 05:22:11 AM »
Lovely!!  Jacket would go nicely with the lemon linen pants ;D  He would look like he slept in them and probably had.

You must buy the jacket for yourself UM, stylish indeed :-X
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #120 on: April 19, 2018, 06:47:09 AM »
Lovely!!  Jacket would go nicely with the lemon linen pants ;D  He would look like he slept in them and probably had.

You must buy the jacket for yourself UM, stylish indeed :-X

Uhhhhhhhh..... NO.... That would SO NOT look good on me......

This is MUCH more my style....

Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer is initiating D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline KeepItTogetherTopic starter

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #121 on: April 19, 2018, 06:48:23 AM »
Nice UM! I like this look much better! That floral jacket would also pair nicely with H’s cranberry (a/k/a hot pink) linen pants, which he often wears with Vans sneakers. To work. In a courtroom. The robe only covers so much!

RT—exactlly. Someone who actually listens to us! You know, like a mature adult!

DF—I totally get it. I am learning to “be” alone and be comfortable with that. But I’m still lonely and it is probably just me still missing H. Old H tho. Not high school lacrosse captain, pink pants wearing, backward hat, tobacco chewing, lying, cheating midlifer.  ::)

Hero—I wonder if it is a phase. You’re probably right!

Savvy—lol. He will go from this outfit one day, to a full on suit the next. But I , unlike DF, cannot attribute a particular persona with said outfit choices. Lol

Lioness. Yes, breathe. I must tell myself this quite often.

Thank you all!!

Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #122 on: April 19, 2018, 09:50:07 AM »
We need a clothing chart for Judge McJudgy so we can track his clothing choices with his behavior patterns. My guess is that is his "travelling outfit" and he will pull a vanisher for awhile.

Amen RT - someone that find what we have to say to be of value.  That would be a really nice change.   
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline Milly

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #123 on: April 19, 2018, 12:58:37 PM »
Ok Kit, too funny. Yellow is the new black after all!
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D23, D20, S13
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #124 on: April 19, 2018, 10:05:53 PM »
UM, this suit is great but the yellow tie in the previous outfit would look really good with it.

We know you are not in MLC as you don't wear lemon pants and you have decent taste in clothes.  MLCers make strange clothing choices. The rosy jacket is good on a MLCer ;D They can also get a matching one for the OW :-X
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #125 on: April 20, 2018, 01:46:17 AM »
UM, this suit is great but the yellow tie in the previous outfit would look really good with it.

The tie has SOME potential although it is not my style. I do have a couple of yellow ties but more sedate than this one...

We know you are not in MLC as you don't wear lemon pants and you have decent taste in clothes. 
I'm MUCH too conservative for bright pants... I have 1 pair of white jeans that I occasionally wear. Otherwise... blue, black, browns, and grey...

MLCers make strange clothing choices. The rosy jacket is good on a MLCer ;D They can also get a matching one for the OW :-X

ONLY if they have arms that tie snugly in the back!
Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer is initiating D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Acorn

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #126 on: April 20, 2018, 07:19:09 AM »
I see your thread has become a fashion discussion place. :D

That pastel outfit of your H with a navy blazer...  I have no word for it.  :o
The hot pink pants in the courtroom?  That is priceless!  Thanks for the belly laugh, KIT! 
If you are laughing at your H’s outfit, you are doing really well.  Seeing humour is an important part of the sanity certification.  One thing I noticed with my H’s MLC is that he could not produce or see humour in anything.  I guess that’s MLC depression.
Feb 2015: H has a Nuclear meltdown.  A tear-fest.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Still home

Offline KeepItTogetherTopic starter

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #127 on: April 20, 2018, 09:39:45 AM »
This am: Seersucker pants, pastel peach tie, royal blue jacket, blue suede shoes. I think he is channeling Savannah Judge now.

So last night I went to pick up S from the high school where H was coaching. He goes with him when MIL is busy. I was talking to a fellow LBS on the phone as I walked into the stadium and was wrapping it up. H and S were walking toward me. I finished the call with a “Love you”
And apparently H heard. Lol. He asked me 3 different times who I was talking to. 3 times. I tried to brush it off and change the subject but he wouldn’t be deterred. I told him it was a girlfriend of mine and rushed off for Home with S. Kinda hoping he doesn’t believe me. Can you imagine if we ever asked who they were talking to/texting????

Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Offline Acorn

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Feb 2015: H has a Nuclear meltdown.  A tear-fest.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Still home

Offline same33

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #129 on: April 20, 2018, 11:02:23 AM »
I wasn't aware that this became a what not to wear thread. I'm so entertained. Someone pass the popcorn!
M-44
W-41
S12, S9, S7
Married 9/25/2004
13 years of marriage
BD#1- December 22, 2014
BD#2- January 2, 2018
Standing for my marriage

Offline Lioness

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #130 on: April 20, 2018, 11:03:39 AM »
Lol that is really funny Acorn! I can imagine Judgy McJudge in a robe over kilt! MLC does definitely do something on people's brains!

Offline KeepItTogetherTopic starter

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #131 on: April 20, 2018, 11:10:41 AM »
Oh Acorn—he would totally wear that! 💯 % Irish. 🤣

Tonight’s the big game though—it’ll be the super expensive fitted “team.” Sweats with coach shirt and backward B.B. cap. I wonder if I’ll get tonight’s game shirt when he drops off S after the game! Better break out the “perfect cheer” for it!
Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Offline seahorse

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #132 on: April 20, 2018, 05:48:46 PM »
KIT - Probably depends on whether they win or lose.
Keep your Eye on the Prize!

Personally, I’d ask for the kilt!
Seahorses have one mate for life...

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #133 on: April 20, 2018, 07:47:36 PM »
I also had to look up Vineyard Vines. 

Please report back when he gets a pair of those breaker pants.   ;D

After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline KeepItTogetherTopic starter

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #134 on: April 20, 2018, 09:01:34 PM »
I also had to look up Vineyard Vines. 

Please report back when he gets a pair of those breaker pants.   ;D

My BIL—Hs sister’s husband wears these. Always has worn them lol.  H calls them a$$hole pants. Will be interesting if he does get a pair. It wouldn’t surprise me tho. I think they’re kinda cute. But. Not for work.
Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Offline Milly

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #135 on: April 21, 2018, 02:53:17 AM »
Following along, Kit, and enjoying your thread as always.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D23, D20, S13
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Online Mortesbride

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #136 on: April 21, 2018, 02:56:55 AM »
I am having to google all these items. Like what the heck is a seersucker and breaker pants.  ::)


Offline KeepItTogetherTopic starter

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #137 on: April 23, 2018, 10:41:04 AM »
So this weekend I had yet another "discussion" with H. I don't know why I never take my own advice. But well, at least I am better than before?

Anyway, here is what happened. I found out that he was spotted by a friend at lunch (at a county hospital LOL) with OW about a month ago, maybe longer.  I tried my hardest not to care. Not to think anything of it. But, well, this is the same hospital that my Mom was rushed to and then later died. Many many triggers on that one.

So H said he was there, barely remembers it at all b/c it was a big group. Could have been. But, she was there. He says he has no contact with her at all anymore. Wants to work on me. Thinks of me and S every day. Wants to be with me forever. That he regrets everything. So I had to retort with "Even getting married right?" 

H:          "No that is the one thing I did right. I want you back that I know for sure. I want to come home but I am afraid that "LA" will happen."

LA was when I went off on him. Probably told him every little detail about why he was possibly the worst person on the planet. Not a good moment for me.  He then tells me he was sad that I did not invite him to the house for Easter. I told him that I will not invite anywhere anymore. That I needed to protect my heart b/c I was always getting turned down and/or lied to. He said he wants to be around us now and forever. (OK that sounded a bit high schoolish)  So I said, "OK, but you make the effort. I won't anymore."

So he invited me to lunch today. Practically begged me. Over and over.  I was working from home so it would work for me, although I was a little resistant. Reached out to some of my LBS army to get some advice. This am, I accepted his invitation.

And he cancelled.  Well, he committed to career day at the high school and then has a prelim. He didn't actually cancel, just said that he couldn't get out of career day until 12:25 and then we would have to cut it short. So I cancelled. Just said, "You sound busy, let's just do this another time." He seemed relieved. Said, "OK thanks--pick a day and let's g. I'll make it work o b/c I want to." I said "I know."

I am sure he has commitments. (You know the ones he honors. Not like a marriage or anything) But I am also pretty sure having lunch with just me scares the crap out of him. I scare him. 

Bottom line, once again, he chickens out. I know he is still cooking. So, I probably won't pick a date. If he brings it up again, maybe, if I am not busy. But it just seems like he is terrified of losing me. And yet, he cannot stand to be around me.

I'm not completely broken hearted b/c I kind of suspected this would happen. I just need to stop comparting myself to OW. Oh, make no mistake, there is NO comparison. But, this version of H is comfortable around her and apparently can go to lunch with her whenever. The man he is today is a shell of a human who is willing to forgo a real relationship with his own son who he used to worship. He is not the same H of before. Nowhere near.  I know this. In my head. Wish my heart would catch up. Now.

Thanks for following along.
« Last Edit: April 23, 2018, 10:54:49 AM by KeepItTogether »
Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Offline heroIam

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #138 on: April 23, 2018, 11:06:23 AM »
KIT.
Well he cancelled - but - it sounded legit. I wouldn't write him off just yet!  :P
However, I agree that he really should be the one to reschedule and make this lunch happen.
Keep me posted! 
“In the end, you’ve got to be your own hero because everyone’s busy trying to save themselves.”

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #139 on: April 23, 2018, 11:24:27 AM »
I am sorry KIT. No pressure. Let him bring it up again when he is ready.

It is just so frustrating. If this is so important to him why can't he put in the effort. Grrrr!
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

 

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