Author Topic: My Story Eye On The Prize  (Read 2168 times)

Offline KeepItTogetherTopic starter

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My Story Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #100 on: April 13, 2018, 02:04:33 PM »
Busy—lmao! I know right?

DF—thank you for your kind words my fellow queen!

Acorn—you are so right. Just a few months ago, I would have lost it with him. Today I realize it is wasted energy and more excuses for him to be an a$$hat.

Kitty—much better. Treating myself to sushi for lunch and a glass of chard. Shhhhh don’t  tell my boss. Wait, that would be me.  :D

Sam—you are way better at this than I was at your stage!!

Shocked—how thoughtful of you to check in. I know how busy you are!

Milly—you are so sweet!! Yes our babies sure to have a way of bringing us back to reality.

Anyway, I’m better now. Just a tad melancholy and hoping to wipe that away this evening. Meeting friends for dinner—well they are the parents of S11s BFf and they’ve been so great! And H texted me this am saying that indeed we may just have to drive separately tomorrow am bc he has to take 4 players since their parents can’t go. Probably for the best—it’s an hour and a half away. And I didn’t need the car ride with him at this point in my life. Annnnnd right when he texted my new friend (you know, the one who was interrogated by OW about me) offered to carpool with S11 and me. Thank you universe. And it’s a nice bonus that H seeing us together has just got to make him super uncomfortable. Lol. Ok, my seaweed salad has arrived. Have a great weekend all. And thank you for talking me off the ledge. Again.
Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Online Kanvan

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #101 on: April 13, 2018, 02:38:03 PM »
Kit, you all have talked me through a lot of down days. I have thought about H and Pondscum quite often since the divorce on Tuesday. I also get down on myself and this week has been one of them and I wonder what do you not see in me that you see in her?? I just want to scream, "Do you  fail to remember she is a drug wh*r^?" Then there are days that I miss the companionship of the old H and long for him to wake up. Ugghhh!!!The struggle is real my friend but you have been an inspiration to many of us. Hang in there and keep up the great work!! Let him see the queen you are  :)
Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1

You'll search for me inside of everyone you're with and I won't be found." R.H. Sin.

M-48
H-46
S27,S21, S16
Married 12/10/1994
Divorced 4/10/2018
23 years of marriage
BD- June 22, 2017 Moved in with OW-June 24th, 2017
Standing although divorced

Offline KeepItTogetherTopic starter

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #102 on: April 16, 2018, 09:52:15 AM »
This past weekend we had back to back lacrosse games Sat and Sunday. H had already texted me about us driving separately. Turns out he drove 2 players and then the assistant coach and his son went with H. So S11 and could have gone with him. He just chose to do it this way. S11 and I went with another family so it was a fun ride and I frankly didn’t think an hour and a half with H in a car was a great idea. But I won’t lie and say it didn’t sting that we weren’t even invited.

Next day H texted me asking how S11 was bc he had a bad attitude the day bef. I told him he was great now but a bit sad yesterday so go easy on him. His response was “Sad bc you guys didn’t ride with me?” Mind you I said nothing about this. Clearly he knows. So I responded “Well mainly that it appeared you chose to bring other player on the team and not him. But we talked through it. I told him a white lie that you did invite him but I made the decision.” His response “I’m a horrible father. I’ve been a fool. I’ve got to make some major changes in my life and make them now. I know what I’ve lost. All of it.” I told him I wasn’t trying to make him feel bad. Ok, maybe that was a lie too. Then he texted that he loves me. I didn’t respond.

So then last night I needed him to charge S11’s laptop for school bc H had his backpack. But I noticed my texts weren’t delivered. So once again I’m blocked for whatever reason. So I emailed him that I needed the Chromebook charged. I needed my check. And that by next year we will be divorced so he can do his own damn taxes. I know. There was no grace or patience happening there.

This am he tells me that he didn’t block me that he turned his phone off. (Same thing IMO) And that he doesn’t want a D. So I said, “”Oh you want me to hang around in the background as your wife while you have a girlfriend? That’s normal.” I know—I broke many rules. He said he doesn’t have a gf and will not have one. And that he wants to come home. I didn’t respond. He then gets to the house super early to charge S11s Chromebook and brings me a Starbucks with a note that says “I love you.”  Exhausting.

He lied about OW the entire time they were together up until last September when he declared that he was now going to be with her. I left him alone after that until Dec. at that time he was already cycling back toward me. He has said he wants to come home many times now. I’m not stopping him. But this time I just didn’t respond to it. Heard it before. If he truly wants to come home, he will make it happen. He knows my rules as we  went over them last September.  But yeah, I’m not holding my breath. I’m just taking it Day by Day. Making plans and planning trips with S11 for the summer and not including H. And having no expectations, or maybe even having expectations that H will continue to stay away.

Just wish I didn’t miss him. That part is brutal. I did thank him for the coffee and the note. But I didn’t respond to him saying he wanted to come home. I’m not even sure how to. Or if no response is best—would love some advice there. We are coming up on my 2 year anniversary of BD. Oh joy!
Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Offline Treasur

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #103 on: April 16, 2018, 09:59:54 AM »
If he truly wants to come home, he will make it happen. He knows my rules as we  went over them last September. 

I did thank him for the coffee and the note. But I didn’t respond to him saying he wanted to come home. I’m not even sure how to. Or if no response is best—would love some advice there.

Depends what you want and what you think your son can cope with too.
MLCers are pretty good at a) forgetting old conversations and b) pretending to forget/not understand boundaries they don't like. So, up to you...ignore it until/unless he puts something concrete on the table as you are doing, or remind him of the first steps you'd require that you said in Sept.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18

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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline same33

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #104 on: April 16, 2018, 10:17:35 AM »

Just wish I didn’t miss him. That part is brutal.

I believe that is the most brutal part for most of us, whether live in or not. It is the daily heartbreak, sometimes hourly.
M-44
W-41
S12, S9, S7
Married 9/25/2004
13 years of marriage
BD#1- December 22, 2014
BD#2- January 2, 2018
Standing for my marriage

Online Dumbfounded

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #105 on: April 16, 2018, 10:59:59 AM »
KIT I would just ignore it.  Here is the thing... when you mention the GF he just says he doesn't have one. He makes no move to apologize or explain or understand why you would bring that up or to heal the pain he has caused you... it is just a flat denial. The purpose of his statement is not to reconcile ... it is to buy himself time, to spare himself shame and guilt and plant doubt into your head. That is manipulative plan and simple.  It is not not kind. If he really, truly knows what he has lost he would DO something about it.

I stood in front of LB waving receipts for flowers, dinners, presents, text messages to other women, credit card bills for find a $l*t sites. I had people who saw them together. There he stood there in front of me  repeating "we are just friends" "I am not doing anything wrong" "you are seeing what you want to see" over and over and over again ad naseaum.  My IC finally told me.... when he comes to you, hand in hand and turns over his cell phone, admits to you what he has done... every last detail and says he is sorry... then and only then will we even discuss repairing the marriage. Until then he is just lying to everyone, including himself.     
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline Acorn

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #106 on: April 16, 2018, 11:53:48 AM »
Dear man, action, ACTION!  Don’t think a Starbucks is an action.
He KNOWS what he is (a horrible father and a fool) and what he needs to do (make major changes) but until he backs that up with consistent actions over a long period time, his words are worth nothing.   He knows that, right?  I believe this knowledge is innate and even a little child knows it.  Let’s hope he follows up with some concrete action.  He heard you last September.  Unless he is in the throes of dementia, no need to remind him of the content, IMHO.  If you feel particularly generous, you could say to him that you outlined what he needs to do back in September?  I’m sure your LBS intuition is finely tuned and can spot empty words 100 miles away. 
 
Feb 2015: H has a Nuclear meltdown.  A tear-fest.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Still home

Offline Tyks

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #107 on: April 16, 2018, 11:59:53 AM »
Hey,  kit.  I would ignore him too.  I think he needs to show you actions and not words. He has said many words to you but never follows through. I really think u need to tell him to crap or get off the pot or you are never going to heal and move forward :(

Exhausting
Me 48
Him 48
22 years together - Married 20
BD1 - August 26, 2016 - ILYBINILWY
BD 2 - August 28, 2016 - OW discovered EA - Kicked him out
D15 D18
April 2017 - Legal Separation Agreement
August 2017 - I filed for divorce
Divorce final February 12 2018

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8823.0

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9005.0

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9120.0

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9279.0

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9649.msg635725#msg635725

Offline Clara 12

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #108 on: April 16, 2018, 09:46:04 PM »
He knows you want him to come home without a doubt. No need to repeat yourself over and over again.

With the I Love you's he keeps you stuck. He does not seem to make any efforts to work on himself and becoming a better father to your son.

He contradicts himself continously and you will have to think and decide for yourself if you need to put in some boundaries. Although it is just a few minutes per day he does see your son. But hugging and kissing you might be something to concider to no longer allow since it does you no good.

Hugs kit
Married - 1995
BD March 2016 - ILYBINILWY
Jan 2017 - Left
May 2017 - OW discovered
Aug 2017 - Divorced

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Eye On The Prize
« Reply #109 on: April 17, 2018, 03:11:19 AM »
At the risk of repeating what everyone else has said so far....



Talk is cheap.. CONSISTENT ACTIONS are needed and not more Blah blah blah blah...
Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer is initiating D

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