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Our Community / Re: Trust the MLC process???
« Last post by KeepItTogether on Today at 10:24:15 AM »
Yeah Shelley I think getting over their abandonment of us when we needed them most is going to be very hard to get over. I remember my H taking mil to get her hair done bc she had dislocated her knee and couldn’t drive herself. This was about 6 months after BD. I was so angry and hurt bc I took it so personally. He not only did nothing to help me during chemo, he physically left.  And now I know there was OW all along. Makes the sound even worse. I ask mysel daily whether I can ever get over that. I still don’t know the answer.

They are also deeply wounded but for different reasons and not bc of anything we did to them. I’m glad you asked about his dad. I always think they deserve a taste of their own medicine. But then I go back to the realization that I’m better than that. And 2 wrongs don’t a right. Adulting sucks sometimes!

Hugs friend.
Our Community / Re: Still Feeding The Good Wolf
« Last post by FamilyIsMyGoal on Today at 10:22:17 AM »
Thanks OffRoad and Treasur!  Taking time and "reasoning things out" with someone sane and healthy has really helped me not react in a way that I wouldn't be proud of.

Your house on the beach sounds amazing!  And I love your new boundary.  There are many good, kind people in the world who see the light and love in me and I intend to surround myself with them. 

Thanks for sharing your journey.
Someone here talked about it as a bit like encouraging a feral cat into the house, that if you jump too quick as they inch towards the back door, they run off again.

Enjoy the song, do nothing.

Thank you, Treasur  :) It always helps to have somebody put it into perspective for me. Some have dealt with it longer and know how to approach it and I am thankful for your advice. I appreciate your support and insight. Thank you sweet friend.

STBXH has done this a couple of times too. My best guess is that it is like an emotional brain hiccup...often it passes and off they cycle again. FWIW, Kanvan, I'd do nothing. If it signifies more than that, you'll know because he'll follow it up by doing or saying something else. Someone here talked about it as a bit like encouraging a feral cat into the house, that if you jump too quick as they inch towards the back door, they run off again.

Enjoy the song, do nothing.
Our Community / Re: How long has your MLCer been in replay
« Last post by The lighthouse on Today at 10:05:37 AM »
How long has your MLCer been in replay?
BD was June 2011.  Replay behaviours started long before BD.  Started out in the denial/anger phase, but gradually built up momentum.  I think he tried to fight his demons for a long time before he finally succumbed to them and left to live with OW who he had only known a matter of months.

Does your MLCer have an OM/OW and how long has that person been around?
Yes still with original alienator.  I believe he met her earlier in 2011.  She had only moved to this city 6 months before BD.

Is your MLCer at home, living apart but locally or living somewhere completely different?
He lives with OW locally

Are you divorced or is there a divorce in progress?
No legal action.  At the 5 year mark he said he didn't want a divorce - "can't face it, and doesn't want to think about it."

If you are divorced or a divorce is in progress, who initiated the filing, you or your MLCer?

Do you have children?
Yes.  A 16 year old daughter.

Is your MLCer helping you financially (with or without a court order)?
He pays child support, though as the years have gone by it has become less and less as it is based on his earnings.  Currently it is a pittance.  He does willingly pay half of any school fees/school requirements for our daughter over and above child support.

Has your MLCer gone through long periods of no contact (uninitiated by you) and for how long? (I mean absolutely no contact, no calls, no texts, no emails.  I don't mean vanishers per se, or MLCers who go a few weeks here and there without contact, but more MLCers who have had a pattering of coming and going, and during the "going" there is no communication whatsoever for a few months or longer.)
The longest nc was for a year 8 months after BD but that was initiated by me and he would constantly try to break the boundary. 

He has mainly been an on-off contact type.  The longest 'withdrawal' with no communication was for 6 months.  That started last July and ended January of this year.  There is some contact again now.

If your MLCer has previously disappeared for an extended period of time, how did they reestablish contact with you? (ex. out of the blue email, text, etcetera)
Via text or phone call
Our Community / Re: 1 HOUR, 1 DAY, 1 WEEK, 1 MONTH Still counting up!
« Last post by Treasur on Today at 09:54:34 AM »
Take time to think about your boundaries, sam, and don't let yourself be rushed into him returning until you've taken that time. Wiser heads than mine have been where you are and there always seems to be a 'caught on the hop' feeling which means the LBS jumps to thinking about some stuff and not other bits maybe. Or is afraid to push the MLCer away by having boundaries or discussions they might not like?

Roomie is one practical stuff of money, day to day life etc, as well as what he is going to tell other people...or not. And what is your big stuff? Communication with ow, your expectations of communication about coming and goings from a roomie, what would really not feel ok to you or would get in the way of your health, sanity or happiness? His expectations of you and how things are going to work differently as roomies? How is being at home going to address the things he said he was unhappy about living with his friend?
Our Community / Re: Snuff 2
« Last post by bluerose on Today at 09:41:50 AM »
       I did not find a shirt but my boss gave me a blinking shamrock necklace to wear. The place was rowdy and busy last night and i made good money.
       Its funny with the coward, he didnt cut all friends off. Just most of them and he seemed to have gotton closer to his family. He gave up our family for all that. I hope it was all worth it.
        The married guy came in the bar last night with his wife. He did give me hugs throughout the night and asked me why i didnt text him back. My boss talked alot to his wife. She said she would fill me in about it when we had more time.
     At the end of the the night my boss came up to me and said, you are never going to believe what his wife just said to me. She asked my boss if she was into women. .y boss said no strictly men. The wife said , to bad he likes that. Back in august my boss and me were talking and she said then that she wondered if they were swingers or something a d told me to me to stay away from them. This just keeps getting more interesting every week.
Our Community / Re: Beauty into Beast 5
« Last post by Treasur on Today at 09:38:39 AM »
Because there isn't anything else in this world worth more than fighting for love and family.

Is this a core issue for you Morte? Whether you can forgive Beast for his failure to do that? Or whether it is possible for you to see ways in which he is doing it albeit not as you want or not as he did?
Our Community / Re: Reassembling - finding pieces I thought I lost
« Last post by MourningDove on Today at 09:34:12 AM »
Treasur & FaithWalker - the more this old boyfriend interacts, the more I see a man in his 50's behaving like a 19 year old. Either he never grew up in 30 years or is in MLC. It is one thing to be youthful, but this is a bit of juvenile behavior.

The funny thing, I thought I was in the clear for x boyfriends popping up. The only one I know had said I was "the one who got away" (and not to me - to his sister) passed away several years ago. And, he would have never come back at me like this. He was the one guy I dated on and off for 6 years, and pushed out of the inner circle because he developed a serious drug problems.

As far as any other guys, I only had 2 that I might consider a second date with - LOL. But, even then, there is a reason those things didn't work out. And neither were about poor timing.

This guy is a "FaceBook" friend and I will leave him there. My sister asked me why and I said I will keep him at a safe distance, but having him there right now is actually a good thing. I don't post too often and he posts frequently. This will give me a way of monitoring him and making sure I am not dealing with a crazy person. So far, all I see is someone who has a serious need for the world to know what he is doing at all times. Very needy. He posts where he is at all times, etc. Helps me steer clear. LOL I can always block content from him.

I am not feeling as uneasy about it. My sister reminded me this is more than a trigger about XH. I did have a guy that stalked me in college for a short time. XH was out of the country. This guy followed several of us around and it was really creepy. I was fortunate that the young man down the hall in my dorm picked up on the strange things happening. I was not one to scare easily, but he seemed to know my schedule and would show up after classes "magically", etc. The day he left a note on my dorm room door knowing I was back from my week away when no one else knew was a bit odd. And I lived in a very high security dorm. No one knew how he managed to not only bypass security, but how he knew which room was mine.  The kid down the hall started walking me everywhere and was very protective. It sent the message pretty clearly and the guy backed off after about a month of having a "body guard".

I hadn't forgotten about this incident. I have mentioned it to a friend of mine not long ago, but it doesn't rattle me as such. That said, my sister reminded me that while it was going on, I had a few moments during that time of being a bit freaked out - with good reason. My parents never knew about it. I was worried they would pull me out of school, since stalking was not a punishable offense at that point in time. It would be a different story nowadays. XH - I didn't tell him until years later. There was nothing he could have done, out of the country at the time. He too would have pushed for me to drop out and go somewhere else. I wasn't letting my path be derailed.

I guess I hadn't thought about those feelings bubbling up. My sister is probably right. It was not an easy time for me. I got past it and don't scare easily. That said, I would say it formed me in other ways. I am no longer as naive as maybe I was back then. I am always assessing my surroundings and not overly cautious. I do some stupid things, but I am not one to go hiking on a path along the very isolated, tree lined canal path nearby as a woman, alone. I don't care how "safe" it is.

I am glad my sister mentioned this to me. It is probably a combo - trigger. I will keep my distance and yet make sure I have an idea what is going on. I think in the end he will back off. If not, and it gets stranger, I will call my two nearby connections in law enforcement. My neighbor's brother, part of the Sheriff's K-9 unit lives 2 roads over and has made it clear I can call him anytime if I ever need anything, as has my friend the Sheriff's investigator. I also live next to a US Marshal and his wife adores me - LOL. I am not going to quit living my life.  :)
Our Community / Re: Still Feeding The Good Wolf
« Last post by Treasur on Today at 09:33:49 AM »
Church in the snow early this morning was very restorative. Long cold walk along the beach this afternoon was bracing in a different way. I am so grateful that I found the little house by the sea last year. It possibly saved my life; it has definitely saved my sanity and given me a safe place to heal.

I think a lot while I walk. Sometimes I just stop and look at all the small bits of life around me, 'the family of things' as the quote goes from the Wild Geese poem by Mary Oliver. Sometimes I walk quickly like I'm trying to outpace my own sticky thoughts. Sometimes I get flashes of insight or new ideas or a quick burst of uninvited hope. I feel alone but not lonely when I walk. I always feel better after my walk though.

This afternoon, I was thinking about my boundaries and why I haven't seen them as such a priority in the past as I do now. Some of it is because I didn't need to protect myself so much as the world was a friendlier place. Some of it was because I didn't take as much responsibility for caring for myself as I did for others.

My new boundary now - with everyone really, not just people wearing MLC hats - is a simple one. If you are neither interested in my thoughts nor want to be kind to me, there is no place at my table for you. Your reasons are not relevant for my boundary. They only matter in so far as they might affect how I feel about you, but they don't matter for my boundary one jot.

I quite like my new boundary and it has the benefit of being very simple to apply. It is the heart of my Red Button.
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