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Hi Milly,

You are handling this admirably.  Just ignore, keep your L in the loop. If it keeps up, block her.  She obviously is feeling the effects of her actions.   The karma bus has another victim!!

You are doing great,  my friend ♡
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Our Community / Re: Still rising
« Last post by Ropeburn on Today at 07:20:56 PM »
Init
   Taking the offer.

   Hugs friend
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Our Community / Re: Growing
« Last post by seahorse on Today at 07:19:19 PM »
No, THunder and Acorn - Those are great responses.  My H also knows that I do not want to leave him (as Thunder said), but I’ve never told him that he can go if he wants.  I would never try to stop it, but don’t know if he knows that or not.  I assume he might think so since I did contact a lawyer very early on about asset protection.

MC went well tonight.  Lots of honesty and good talk.  No talk about reconnecting, but just how to make our communication better and how to not get lost in the weeds when confrontations arise.  More about our personality types than anything.
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Milly, I am doing so much better than I was. I sometimes forget that. There are days I feel like I am sliding backwards after some interaction.

One of the things I remembered today which made me laugh a bit. When I break into tears, it is a bit of a trigger. XH used to accuse me of purposely turning on the waterworks to manipulate things. This was a MLC belief.

Anyone who knows me well would know that I may not cry at a drop of a hat, but I do feel deeply. I have been known to get teary eyed over a song  or a sappy moment. D likes to play movies that get me going. I am not a blubbering idiot, but she always knows when she has picked a tearjerker that will push my buttons.

The thing is, I am realizing I am okay with that about me. I tried to change that about me in MLC. I have gotten tougher and that is okay. But, I also know part of the way I release stress is a good, full on cry. It keeps me from blowing a gasket. It is not a bad thing and I should not feel bad about letting things out from time to time.

I am working on ways to deal with the MLC XH. I have to be careful not to repeat my MIL's role in XH's desire to repeat his childhood. I refuse to become bitter, like my MIL. She carried that around for 30 years and wasted too much of her life in that sad state. I also will do my very best to keep my children from being part of the MLC aftermath. XH is trying to drive a wedge between them. I am willing to take the hits to avoid this happening to them like XH's siblings. I may not be able to prevent it, but I am going to do my best to protect them while I can. They are insanely close and I know how special that is.

It feels like games at times, but it is becoming more of strategizing and how to best deflect XH's madness. I won't say it is enjoyable and I often want to just tell him to leave me the F alone.

I wanted so badly today to tell him that I have moved on and he is no longer part of my life. I have taken my heart back to save for someone else. It would have been a bad way to handle it. But, I am also done being overly nice. I have decided what works for me at this point with XH is a method that is not something I generally like to employ with anyone. I am becoming incredibly short and firm with my approach with him.

Today, he wanted to come to the house and I shut him down he did comply. He texted and said he would reach out later and see what I found out. I out and out told him that having him sitting next to me while I was on the computer was a colossal waste of time as it would not make the process any more efficient. I would let him know when I had an answer. He didn't reach out for several hours. I gave him his answer. No more than that. I am just getting shorter with my interactions.

Is it sad in the overall scheme of things? Certainly. Had he done even a shred of work, I might have held on longer and been there for him. His loss.

The next person will benefit from my stubborn streak of standing for important things. I have never shied away from working on relationships that are worth my attention. That doesn't mean I stuck with every person I ever put my efforts in. I knew when it was time to let go, but a true commitment I don't throw away. Those closest to me know that I am fiercely loyal and protective. I know with hard work comes great rewards and the good times are that much sweeter when you work through things.

XH has thrown that away and it took me a long time to accept that I could not stop him from doing that.

As far as control - I really am not one who has a need to be in control. I don't mind a give and take. XH has put me in this position. It is what I have to be right now. I am it. I don't want to be that in any new relationship. I want a partner. The type where we take turns or work together. I have never had a need to be the head of things. I don't need titles at work or at home. I like having someone who brings skills I don't have to the table. I would be proud of their accomplishments. In fact, I am often most comfortable in the wings. I don't have a need for the spot light.

Strangely, these jobs that keep popping up are making me a bit freaked out. I am a bit embarrassed and not sure I deserve some of the pats on the back. I am not sure what this job entails. It is something I have some background in as for several years I worked for a friend of mine in her Interior Architecture/Design business.

Originally, I worked as a graphic designer for her, but then her business exploded and she landed 3 major national hotel chain jobs on top of her regular clients. I was baptized in fire in reading blueprints and specifying furnishings, etc. It was fun.

We will see where it goes. I am meeting with S's boss on Saturday. S was laughing and wondered what brought that on. I said I had reached out to his boss earlier to simply thank him for cutting those letters for my class and how much I appreciated him taking the time. He came back with they were expanding the business again. He had asked me about doing marketing for them, but they have an immediate need for a kitchen designer. I will have to really see if I am comfortable with what he is thinking. I am a bit out of my element and out of practice. LOL

On a really positive side of things, I know it would certainly lead to being able to get a great deal on a complete overhaul of my bathroom and finishing my kitchen. LOL ;D Nothing like knowing custom cabinet makers that are into experimenting with new designs and they know I am an outside the box thinker. LOL. I do not have a normal kitchen island -it is rather organic shape. LOL

D is in a fantastic mood. S was unaware of why, but was glad to see her smiling. She had come to me earlier in the day and asked if the burning ban had been lifted. It had, but as I told her that didn't apply to the fire pit anyways. She asked if she could have a fire mid afternoon. It was rather warm outside so I was kidding her asking if she had a craving for S'Mores. No, she wanted to get rid of a few things and she knows that I have often had cathartic fires that have turned bad memories into ashes. I said I would gladly help her out. I was curious what she was going to pull out to burn.

There were some projects that were from the era of her ankle injury. There were papers from her former first choice of college. Most of those things could have just been thrown out or shredded, but I totally understood. Then she came out with the infamous wooden hand her F bought for her. She has pictures of him in her room from when she was little, and she has not gotten rid of any other gifts. This one has odd things associated to it and it was always something she hated. It has been hidden in the back of her closet. She looked at me and I think she thought I was going to tell her to keep it, etc. I didn't. When she didn't hear me say a peep she asked if we could get the fire going hot enough so that it disappeared before her B came home. She didn't want any evidence, and she said she needed it gone. I said we could certainly make that happen.

We built a fire and I too brought out some things. She was not smiling as if this was some happy event, but there was a smile on her face. As if she was feeling a cloud lift. There was a lightness that I felt emanating from her that I haven't felt in a long time. That hand needed to disappear.

S came home and laughed at the 2 of us knowing we were purging. He too added a few things to the mix.

The mood lightened and I made a full meal. I was off my game a bit and the kids by then had invited a couple of friends along. They brought backup and I had a full room of velociraptors. I had a chicken I was getting ready to roast a whole and was cutting the back out of the chicken. The kids know the term, but stupid me fell for the question about what I was doing to the chicken. A note for anyone with teenagers - the word spatchcock sends them into hysterics. LOL. And before I caught on, I fell into the next trap, which was if I was dry rubbing the chicken as well. Yup - room full of goofy teenagers got me. LOL
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Our Community / Re: The only way is up..
« Last post by The lighthouse on Today at 06:36:16 PM »
Following along Chookie  :).
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Our Community / Re: Helping Me in this MLC
« Last post by Helpingme! on Today at 06:28:47 PM »
Thanks RB
I am trying too enjoy these moments. I truly see now when I read, when these start to get better, it's still not easy.
I look back,  when W was hateful, it was easy to detach and just go on. When times get better, it is not so easy. I just want to grab her and say is it over?
I know I can't do that. It's a long way from over.

Thanks for replies and all advice. If it were not for the wonderful people on this site, I would  it be where I'm at today. I'm positive of that.
Hope everyone has a good evening.
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Our Community / Re: Advice from experts
« Last post by Broken hearted 1971 on Today at 06:27:31 PM »
Ok so new question
As my wife and I continue reconciling i wonder about a repeat down the road.
1. If an MLCer was a good moral person and this was completely out of character for them before MLC is it likely this is a one time event?
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Our Community / Re: Still rising
« Last post by in it on Today at 06:26:05 PM »
Good Rope take the offer.
And yes please do not get involved with him physically again.
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Our Community / Re: Thread 29 - Voyage of the Stardancer
« Last post by MourningDove on Today at 06:20:18 PM »

Standing and, at the end of the day, being able to say "I have done what I am capable of doing to facilitate reconciliation." is a very powerful place to be, regress of whether reconciliation has occurred or not. There is a part of the mirror work that gets little, if any recognition. That is when we each stand in front of that mirror, look ourselves in the eye and say, I have done the best that I could possibly do.



That is where many of us end up. We have no control over the MLCer. Mine is in full monster and has been there for a very long time. He is showing signs of slowing down or working on his issues.

It came to a point where standing for me was for myself and my kids. At the end of the day, I had to look and say exactly what you have stated, UrsaMajor and that is I have done all I could possibly do. I tried it all in terms of the marriage and being supportive of my MLCer in hopes of riding out the crisis. For some of us we see no movement from our MLCers towards real progress and many, like yours and mine have cheering sections.

It is sad and I don't think we are somehow happy about the outcome, but we make our peace with it.

Some of us are make choice to continue to actually live our lives without our MLCer. We have to do this and move away from the crisis our MLCers seem deeply rooted in.
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Our Community / Re: He’s having a mlc 2 - Lucky
« Last post by sampsed on Today at 06:16:40 PM »
Glad to hear all went well.

Nice to see that bd 2 wad nothing more than dried ink on the calendar. Kudos to you
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