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Our Community / Re: Not Broken Just Bent
« Last post by No expectations on Today at 10:19:11 AM »
Hi KIT, I haven't been on HS much, and I've fallen behind. I was just reading backwards in your post to try to catch up, and something struck me that made me want to comment. As you may know, my h move back in a few weeks ago. Last night, we were having a conversation, and he said sometimes he can't believe he's really here. He said, he wanted to come home a year ago, but when he hinted at it, I had said, to just make sure he's ready. So he waited. And then he said, there were times he didn't think it would ever happen, and that's what he got really depressed.

I realize every situation is unique, but in my case, it sounds like my h was waiting to be sure that's what I wanted. I wonder if your h might be doing the same? Maybe he thinks he's hinting at it by telling you he loves you?

Just some food for thought.
Our Community / Re: Helping Me in this MLC
« Last post by Helpingme! on Today at 10:07:07 AM »
Thanks Rose
W has been better this week. Seems better anyway. Friday was the last day of school, so less stress for her to worry about.
Our Community / Re: He’s having a mlc 2 - Lucky
« Last post by Rosetintedglasses on Today at 10:05:55 AM »

We went to the choir show although S was ill so we had to decide what to do. It would have been easy enough not to go because of that but in the end I was keen to get us there so we managed it, S said he was doing it for H. It was surreal for me. Seeing my H on stage singing about ‘love’ ‘breakups’ ‘I can live with or without you’ etc. I couldn’t look at him. What was he thinking looking out at us singing about that. I had to rise above it all as ever or could have cried the whole way through it. There are a lot of females in the choir though so I kept myself busy looking through them to see if any would be potential OW. I only found one that I was worried about - she was standing beside him. That kept it real.

We had the car so ended up giving him a lift back. I hadn’t thought of this and had to drop in on a friend, so I said to H was it ok to drop in on her. He said yes no problem, like he normally would. He drove and went a strange way so I assumed we weren’t going to my friends as thought he would have forgotten but no he got us there and sat waiting quite happily as I chatted with my friend for around 15 mins. We eventually dropped him off at his parents and he thanked us for coming. I am glad we did as I didn’t tell him we were going and so just turned up. His parents also went.

Thanks for your advice on this one as it was good I went but I didn’t feel like it leading up to it!

Rose 🌹
Our Community / Re: You're a diamond dear. They can't break you.
« Last post by Dumbfounded on Today at 10:05:54 AM »
Kanvan you are one bada$$ lady. I didn't have to deal with even half of this and I was lying in a puddle on the floor for the good part of year.

1trouble's post makes so much sense to me with the comparison to a diet. I can relate to that... I will start eating better tomorrow and tomorrow and 100 tomorrows later you are still in the same place. It doesn't mean you don't want to lose the weight and eat better ... you do... you just never quite get around to it.  Our MLCers want to be better... they just never get up enough motivation to get around to it... maybe tomorrow.

I will keep your family in my prayers.     
Our Community / Re: Surviving
« Last post by Kanvan on Today at 09:59:49 AM »
I agree with Thunder and Nah. Just to let him know about you remembering his aunt. Father's Day would be good too. You are doing great S66. Sending hugs and support your way.
Our Community / Re: Cognitive Dissonance
« Last post by Ready2Transform on Today at 09:55:51 AM »
Cognitive dissonance is a huge for both them and us. It's when what you know to be true and what you are living are inconsistent. Gives you lots of anxiety. For LBSs it may keep us stuck in trying to return things to "normal", which is understandable given the speed and shock of BD.

My xH also thought he was dying and had to leave. He described how I was an appendage he had to cut off in order to save the rest of his body. Go figure. He still emails me to help him with things.  ::) Seven years.

Mine has expressed at different times that he knows it wasn't me, but I think he cycles back into believing it was (I'm not really sure though). Some do, some don't. It's important that *you* know and accept that it wasn't you. BD is still super fresh for you and it's hard to not want to make him see that this is just crazy talk, but trust me, you'll restore stability a lot quicker to the situation by making sure *you* are okay, oxygen mask on, then approach whatever you need to do.
Our Community / Re: The Unconscious Thoughts
« Last post by Ready2Transform on Today at 09:48:32 AM »
I suppose I am really just talking about thoughts. Not chemical imbalances, or neural disorders, although it is possible that some of those are caused by thoughts.

Or those cause the thoughts. I find quite believable and possible.

It's chicken or the egg, in many ways. We, too, go through chemical brain changes due to the trauma of all of this, our hormones, aging. And you and I Anjae have the benefit of having had our own crises to compare. Yes there were irrational thoughts - but were they rooted somewhere for you? I used to love to tell about the one where I thought my dad was giving me "poisoned mints". I really believed that! I can reflect back now and see there was just an underlying emotion of not feeling safe. Maybe resentment about feeling he didn't protect me from my mother (we have those difficult conversations now, to an extent). But I clearly projected that onto him from an unstable place at that time. And it was because I was focusing my thoughts on those topics all the time, feeling very butthurt about what I didn't have in life and why everything was so difficult. Wanting to lay blame somewhere else.

I do still feel there's a lot chemical to this - my xH did NOT win the genetic lottery at all, and likely a mental crash was inevitable - but I can't help but notice that his cousins that got away quickly and early and formed completely different kinds of lives still have long term marriages and stability. Environment and stinkin' thinkin' makes a difference.
Our Community / Cognitive Dissonance
« Last post by 20thcenturygirl on Today at 09:47:39 AM »
Please could someone explain what cognitive dissonance is?

My H has said many times to many people that he just had to leave as "he felt like he was dying" or "he was dying". 
After reading a great deal and listening to many podcasts I think that this is as a result of cognitive dissonance caused by his affair. 
I know that a couple of months before BD he was sending me texts and messages when he was away saying how much he missed me and being home - so no evidence of dying there!

If they should ever move out of replay are they able to look back and realize that the LBS was not the cause of this feeling or will he always look at me and see me as the person who caused him to feel like he was about to die?

Our Community / Re: Helping Me in this MLC
« Last post by Rosetintedglasses on Today at 09:47:14 AM »

That’s great you had a good weekend and W is keeping you on your toes with these forward movements. Good on you giving her the space to feel she can.

Love hearing your updates, keep them coming..
Rose 🌹
Our Community / Re: You're a diamond dear. They can't break you.
« Last post by Kanvan on Today at 09:31:40 AM »
Mitzpah, thank you. I know that it has at least kept him away from drugs for a little while. The boys are ok but very angry with him.Thank you for the prayers. I appreciate you.
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