Author Topic: My Story Life is like a box of chocolates  (Read 1677 times)

Offline Savoir FaireTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 4087
  • Gender: Female
My Story Life is like a box of chocolates
« on: April 02, 2018, 07:32:38 PM »
I saw my thread was getting too long, so started a new one and will answer your questions on this one.

 Last thread:  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9687.0;all

Last thread ended with MIL taking over my 20 year tradition of cooking fish and chips on Good Friday, inviting xH and his girlfriend along with our children to her place to continue my lunch. A year ago MIL REFUSED to EVER have the OW at ANY family occasions.  She is a shallow woman indeed.

The relationship with my MIL was always good on the surface and I put a huge amount of effort into making it good.  MIL on the other hand, put  very little effort in and always treated me like I was not the woman she wanted for her son. MIL based her opinion of me on my social status growing up, the job I did (lawyers and doctors were the ONLY acceptable job) ad where I lived with my family as a child.  If they didn't add up to her expectations, you were outed for life, regardless of how much she liked you as a person.

I didn't add up to a perfect 10, so outed I was >:(

XH was not her favorite, he had two sisters who were WAY above him. MIL hates boys and was in her words was "disappointed when he was born"  He spent his entire young life trying to be accepted by her and his later life with me, trying to avoid her.  His father was lovely but a workaholic and was never home, so H lamented never having a great relationship with him.  Hardly an ideal upbringing.

I sent xH's lawyer a letter about the sale of our property and expect I will hear this week.  I didn't feel ready to tackle this following our mediation at Christmas time but now feel ready for the next round with xH.

I've changed a lot since Christmas time.  I have begun sharing with work colleagues that my marriage is over and small details about what Xh has done.  It is not a pity party by any means but more of a sharing of my acceptance of my life as it is  now and my willingness to begin a new life with someone else if that's what must be.

I have been hit on  by a couple of patients - pity they were SOOO old ;D  I think it shows I now look available to men, rather than the woman waiting for her husband to return.  The door is closing on xH and has been since mediation, so he had better hurry himself up before I choose someone else to share my life with.  My colleagues have been advised I am looking for a 99 year old multi millionaire with no family ;)
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline No expectations

  • MLCer Type: Clinging Boomerang
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 3181
  • Gender: Female
  • One day at a time. And time is my friend.
Re: Life is like a box of chocolates
« Reply #1 on: April 03, 2018, 01:24:43 AM »
Following along,  Savvy.  Funny how we get to the point of acceptance,  and being comfortable sharing details of our life and our marriage.   In my case, I've been reading a lot of Brene Brown and I realize now the amount of shame I had at BD.  It's like, I must have done something wrong to have this happen.  So I can't talk about it.

I now understand that none of this is my doing.  Other than being the fixer all these years.  But I'm beginning to see the effect of shame on my life.   

I'm so glad you are able to move forward,  Savvy.  Your h has NO CLUE what he walked away from.   Maybe one day he'll see.  But unfortunately,  it may be too .
Married 10 1/2 years, together 17.  BD 9/2016, 2nd BD 10/16.  H moved out 10/16.  2 AS's from my first M.  Me 55, H 49.  OW 23.

"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through; how you managed to survive.  You won't even be sure if the storm is really over.  But one thing is certain; when you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person that walked in...that's what this storm is all about."

"The trick is to enjoy life.  Don't wish away your days, waiting for better ones."

Offline The lighthouse

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3794
  • Gender: Female
Re: Life is like a box of chocolates
« Reply #2 on: April 03, 2018, 02:50:42 AM »
Following along as always SF  :).
M 1992
BD June 2011
Still with OW - No legal action

I am the lighthouse. I don't go out into the storm after the ship.  The ship finds me.

Offline Chookie

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2626
  • Gender: Female
Re: Life is like a box of chocolates
« Reply #3 on: April 03, 2018, 03:49:15 AM »
Attaching, Savy.  :)

Let us know what the response is to your letter. I'm glad you're feeling more comfortable now with the sale of your house..not happy, just more comfortable.

If you find a 99 year old with a brother, give him my number, OK?  😃
BD 29 Nov '13
Left home 8 June '14
Does not live with OW

Offline Whyus

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1929
  • Gender: Male
Re: Life is like a box of chocolates
« Reply #4 on: April 03, 2018, 04:35:17 AM »
The shame is aweful even though we have nothing to be ashamed of.
The worst part for me was that I kept telling myself that People were looking at me and my Boys and Feeling sorry for us. I was imagining them saying Things like "his W is firetrucking around with a Youngster from the Gym" and "poor Boy, his mam is a $l*t and he knows it"!... Its all LBS Paranoia but horrible all the same.
Fortunately that Phase passed and I know that neither my Boys or myself have nothing to be ashamed of.
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 44
W: 44
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28. Trainings partner. Still together
2 Sons - 18 & 19
2 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Filed
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0
T10. http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9547.0

Offline Silver

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 1331
  • Gender: Male
Re: Life is like a box of chocolates
« Reply #5 on: April 03, 2018, 04:38:54 AM »
Attaching Savvy!


XH was not her favorite, he had two sisters who were WAY above him. MIL hates boys and was in her words was "disappointed when he was born" 


Well that tells A LOT about her. As does the cooking tradition thing. I know you are hurt about that of course but you will be with better company in the future.



I've changed a lot since Christmas time.  I have begun sharing with work colleagues that my marriage is over and small details about what Xh has done.  It is not a pity party by any means but more of a sharing of my acceptance of my life as it is  now and my willingness to begin a new life with someone else if that's what must be.


That's huge! Acceptance is the real beginning of new life imo. Very good for you   ;) (yes I am flirting  ;D)
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline Clara 12

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 304
  • Gender: Female
Re: Life is like a box of chocolates
« Reply #6 on: April 03, 2018, 02:21:05 PM »
Jumping on board Savoir.

Opening up is difficult its almost like as if saying nothing makes it not real. That it is just a very long bad dream.  Shame and the embarresment is so hard to deal with.
 
Your progress towards acceptance shows and you seem to head towards a turning point, towards change...🌸

Married - 1995
BD March 2016 - ILYBINILWY
Jan 2017 - Left
May 2017 - OW discovered
Aug 2017 - Divorced

Offline Tyks

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1564
  • Gender: Female
Re: Life is like a box of chocolates
« Reply #7 on: April 03, 2018, 02:31:14 PM »
Hmm,  I thought I was the only one who felt shame and embarrassment! 

It is nice to read that you are growing since Christmas.  I think we just get to a point where enough is enough :) 
Me 48
Him 48
22 years together - Married 20
BD1 - August 26, 2016 - ILYBINILWY
BD 2 - August 28, 2016 - OW discovered EA - Kicked him out
D15 D18
April 2017 - Legal Separation Agreement
August 2017 - I filed for divorce
Divorce final February 12 2018

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8823.0

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9005.0

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9120.0

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9279.0

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9649.msg635725#msg635725

Offline Milly

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1145
  • Gender: Female
Re: Life is like a box of chocolates
« Reply #8 on: April 03, 2018, 03:10:05 PM »
I'm here, too, Savvy. Completely understand that feeling of shame. Glad that you are now able to tell your work colleagues how it is with your marriage. At least you won't have to cover up any more. I'm just starting to do this, although I still find it uncomfortable to call my H my ex, which he isn't officially, although he is to anyone in RL.

Really annoying that your MIL took over your tradition. It's really unkind. She could have found her own menu to create a tradition, instead she had to 'steal' your successful idea. I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

I would love to share your Good Friday fish and chips tradition. Yours sounds delicious, especially since you prepare it all from scratch. There's no comparison. You're the real deal, they're the frozen, industrialized/impersonal version, or is that the OW?
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D23, D20, S13
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline bipolared

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 2556
  • Gender: Female
Re: Life is like a box of chocolates
« Reply #9 on: April 04, 2018, 12:17:46 PM »
Attaching SF, and as always wowed by your grace and optimism. As for your MIL who is much like mine, I will say that people who have no class or integrity find it hard to recognize in others.
I'm not looking for my other half because I'm not half a person.

 

SMF spam blocked by CleanTalk
Legal Disclaimer
The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.