Author Topic: My Story Life is like a box of chocolates  (Read 1661 times)

Offline Savoir FaireTopic starter

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My Story Life is like a box of chocolates
« on: April 02, 2018, 07:32:38 PM »
I saw my thread was getting too long, so started a new one and will answer your questions on this one.

 Last thread:  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9687.0;all

Last thread ended with MIL taking over my 20 year tradition of cooking fish and chips on Good Friday, inviting xH and his girlfriend along with our children to her place to continue my lunch. A year ago MIL REFUSED to EVER have the OW at ANY family occasions.  She is a shallow woman indeed.

The relationship with my MIL was always good on the surface and I put a huge amount of effort into making it good.  MIL on the other hand, put  very little effort in and always treated me like I was not the woman she wanted for her son. MIL based her opinion of me on my social status growing up, the job I did (lawyers and doctors were the ONLY acceptable job) ad where I lived with my family as a child.  If they didn't add up to her expectations, you were outed for life, regardless of how much she liked you as a person.

I didn't add up to a perfect 10, so outed I was >:(

XH was not her favorite, he had two sisters who were WAY above him. MIL hates boys and was in her words was "disappointed when he was born"  He spent his entire young life trying to be accepted by her and his later life with me, trying to avoid her.  His father was lovely but a workaholic and was never home, so H lamented never having a great relationship with him.  Hardly an ideal upbringing.

I sent xH's lawyer a letter about the sale of our property and expect I will hear this week.  I didn't feel ready to tackle this following our mediation at Christmas time but now feel ready for the next round with xH.

I've changed a lot since Christmas time.  I have begun sharing with work colleagues that my marriage is over and small details about what Xh has done.  It is not a pity party by any means but more of a sharing of my acceptance of my life as it is  now and my willingness to begin a new life with someone else if that's what must be.

I have been hit on  by a couple of patients - pity they were SOOO old ;D  I think it shows I now look available to men, rather than the woman waiting for her husband to return.  The door is closing on xH and has been since mediation, so he had better hurry himself up before I choose someone else to share my life with.  My colleagues have been advised I am looking for a 99 year old multi millionaire with no family ;)
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline No expectations

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Re: Life is like a box of chocolates
« Reply #1 on: April 03, 2018, 01:24:43 AM »
Following along,  Savvy.  Funny how we get to the point of acceptance,  and being comfortable sharing details of our life and our marriage.   In my case, I've been reading a lot of Brene Brown and I realize now the amount of shame I had at BD.  It's like, I must have done something wrong to have this happen.  So I can't talk about it.

I now understand that none of this is my doing.  Other than being the fixer all these years.  But I'm beginning to see the effect of shame on my life.   

I'm so glad you are able to move forward,  Savvy.  Your h has NO CLUE what he walked away from.   Maybe one day he'll see.  But unfortunately,  it may be too .
Married 10 1/2 years, together 17.  BD 9/2016, 2nd BD 10/16.  H moved out 10/16.  2 AS's from my first M.  Me 55, H 49.  OW 23.

"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through; how you managed to survive.  You won't even be sure if the storm is really over.  But one thing is certain; when you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person that walked in...that's what this storm is all about."

"The trick is to enjoy life.  Don't wish away your days, waiting for better ones."

Offline The lighthouse

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Re: Life is like a box of chocolates
« Reply #2 on: April 03, 2018, 02:50:42 AM »
Following along as always SF  :).
M 1992
BD June 2011
Still with OW - No legal action

I am the lighthouse. I don't go out into the storm after the ship.  The ship finds me.

Online Chookie

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Re: Life is like a box of chocolates
« Reply #3 on: April 03, 2018, 03:49:15 AM »
Attaching, Savy.  :)

Let us know what the response is to your letter. I'm glad you're feeling more comfortable now with the sale of your house..not happy, just more comfortable.

If you find a 99 year old with a brother, give him my number, OK?  😃
BD 29 Nov '13
Left home 8 June '14
Does not live with OW

Offline Whyus

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Re: Life is like a box of chocolates
« Reply #4 on: April 03, 2018, 04:35:17 AM »
The shame is aweful even though we have nothing to be ashamed of.
The worst part for me was that I kept telling myself that People were looking at me and my Boys and Feeling sorry for us. I was imagining them saying Things like "his W is firetrucking around with a Youngster from the Gym" and "poor Boy, his mam is a $l*t and he knows it"!... Its all LBS Paranoia but horrible all the same.
Fortunately that Phase passed and I know that neither my Boys or myself have nothing to be ashamed of.
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 44
W: 44
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28. Trainings partner. Still together
2 Sons - 18 & 19
2 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Filed
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0
T10. http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9547.0

Offline Silver

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Re: Life is like a box of chocolates
« Reply #5 on: April 03, 2018, 04:38:54 AM »
Attaching Savvy!


XH was not her favorite, he had two sisters who were WAY above him. MIL hates boys and was in her words was "disappointed when he was born" 


Well that tells A LOT about her. As does the cooking tradition thing. I know you are hurt about that of course but you will be with better company in the future.



I've changed a lot since Christmas time.  I have begun sharing with work colleagues that my marriage is over and small details about what Xh has done.  It is not a pity party by any means but more of a sharing of my acceptance of my life as it is  now and my willingness to begin a new life with someone else if that's what must be.


That's huge! Acceptance is the real beginning of new life imo. Very good for you   ;) (yes I am flirting  ;D)
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline Clara 12

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Re: Life is like a box of chocolates
« Reply #6 on: April 03, 2018, 02:21:05 PM »
Jumping on board Savoir.

Opening up is difficult its almost like as if saying nothing makes it not real. That it is just a very long bad dream.  Shame and the embarresment is so hard to deal with.
 
Your progress towards acceptance shows and you seem to head towards a turning point, towards change...🌸

Married - 1995
BD March 2016 - ILYBINILWY
Jan 2017 - Left
May 2017 - OW discovered
Aug 2017 - Divorced

Offline Tyks

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Re: Life is like a box of chocolates
« Reply #7 on: April 03, 2018, 02:31:14 PM »
Hmm,  I thought I was the only one who felt shame and embarrassment! 

It is nice to read that you are growing since Christmas.  I think we just get to a point where enough is enough :) 
Me 48
Him 48
22 years together - Married 20
BD1 - August 26, 2016 - ILYBINILWY
BD 2 - August 28, 2016 - OW discovered EA - Kicked him out
D15 D18
April 2017 - Legal Separation Agreement
August 2017 - I filed for divorce
Divorce final February 12 2018

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8823.0

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9005.0

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9120.0

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9279.0

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9649.msg635725#msg635725

Offline Milly

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Re: Life is like a box of chocolates
« Reply #8 on: April 03, 2018, 03:10:05 PM »
I'm here, too, Savvy. Completely understand that feeling of shame. Glad that you are now able to tell your work colleagues how it is with your marriage. At least you won't have to cover up any more. I'm just starting to do this, although I still find it uncomfortable to call my H my ex, which he isn't officially, although he is to anyone in RL.

Really annoying that your MIL took over your tradition. It's really unkind. She could have found her own menu to create a tradition, instead she had to 'steal' your successful idea. I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

I would love to share your Good Friday fish and chips tradition. Yours sounds delicious, especially since you prepare it all from scratch. There's no comparison. You're the real deal, they're the frozen, industrialized/impersonal version, or is that the OW?
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D23, D20, S13
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline bipolared

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Re: Life is like a box of chocolates
« Reply #9 on: April 04, 2018, 12:17:46 PM »
Attaching SF, and as always wowed by your grace and optimism. As for your MIL who is much like mine, I will say that people who have no class or integrity find it hard to recognize in others.
I'm not looking for my other half because I'm not half a person.

Offline Anjae

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Re: Life is like a box of chocolates
« Reply #10 on: April 04, 2018, 12:35:32 PM »
Welcome to your new thread, Savoir Faire.

My colleagues have been advised I am looking for a 99 year old multi millionaire with no family ;)

Sounds like a good plan.  ;)

Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline serenity

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Re: Life is like a box of chocolates
« Reply #11 on: April 04, 2018, 02:31:21 PM »
I’m coming along for the ride dear Savvy,

I’ve reached so many points along the way and then go backwards and forwards on how I feel or think. It’s all part of our journey I guess.

I’m nearing 8 years and am pretty ok - most of the time!

Hugs

X

Offline Capri

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Re: Life is like a box of chocolates
« Reply #12 on: April 04, 2018, 03:46:54 PM »
I’ve been away from the forum for a few months.  I loved seeing your post pop up today as I intended to search for your thread.  :-)   Wonderful to hear you continue moving forward. 


Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Life is like a box of chocolates
« Reply #13 on: April 04, 2018, 06:20:22 PM »
Continuing on with you, SF.

The "menu stealing" reminds me of Medusa's MLCer who had the OW that tried to imitate the holiday meal that Medusa always made for her H. 

These people, in the words of Nah, need to work on living authentic lives! 
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline Treasure

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Re: Life is like a box of chocolates
« Reply #14 on: April 04, 2018, 07:12:33 PM »
Continuing on with you savoir x

Offline Reallytrying

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Re: Life is like a box of chocolates
« Reply #15 on: April 05, 2018, 09:42:56 PM »
attaching.
I’d be so annoyed if MIL took my lunch tradition. These people can be so strange.
I totally get what you mean by sharing means accepting. I no longer feel any shame about what happened. It is what it is. With that has come quite a bit of freedom.
Sounding good.

Offline Savoir FaireTopic starter

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Re: Life is like a box of chocolates
« Reply #16 on: April 05, 2018, 10:59:44 PM »
Thanks for following along everyone, I do appreciate all of you and your wonderful insight.

Noex - Brene Brown is great, love her work. Maybe if we'd read her stuff before BD, it may have made life a bit easier.

Thanks TL and Chookie,

Let us know what the response is to your letter. I'm glad you're feeling more comfortable now with the sale of your house..not happy, just more comfortable.

If you find a 99 year old with a brother, give him my number, OK?  😃

Looking for the 99 Year old with a brother - you want the younger or older one?   ;)


The worst part for me was that I kept telling myself that People were looking at me and my Boys and Feeling sorry for us. I
I felt the same Whyus, that people who didn't even know me were looking at me thinking I was broken and knew what I was going through.  Really strange feeling.

That's huge! Acceptance is the real beginning of new life imo. Very good for you   ;) (yes I am flirting  ;D)

All flirting welcome Silver ;)

Clara, Tyks,  Serenity, Milly, & BP, I do feel better than a year ago, more willing to look at NOT reconciling and being okay with that.  I am not making light of it, the feelings still sting at times but I feel more open to other changes in my life rather than just waiting for xH to appear on the doorstep.

SB and Treasur, nice to have you along.  The MIL stealing of MY fish and chips is not surprising to me.  I bet she is trying to fix him and can see the madness in xH. She knows very well it wasn't me who left or wanted the divorce.

I haven't heard anything from xH or his lawyer.  The letter I sent was a week ago and we had Easter in the middle so a few more days maybe.  XH had become better at responding following mediation. If he doesn't respond this time, I hope it's because he's in a very bad place mentally.  It's time to face your demons xH.

The letter only asked he reconsider choice of selling agent and return more of my stuff as he won't allow me keys to our property to get them.  I should have taken the spare keys when I had the chance >:(

I'll let you know when I hear something.  Correspondence from xH is never dull ::)

Thanks RT, we were posting at the same time....

« Last Edit: April 05, 2018, 11:01:03 PM by Savoir Faire »
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Online Chookie

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Re: Life is like a box of chocolates
« Reply #17 on: April 06, 2018, 06:05:47 AM »
Haha, at this point, either of them would be looking mighty fine, Savy! Lol, you choose..  ;D

Interested to hear your update about the letter.  ;)

BD 29 Nov '13
Left home 8 June '14
Does not live with OW

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Life is like a box of chocolates
« Reply #18 on: April 06, 2018, 06:41:14 AM »
Mil sounds like she’s trying to get into the good graces of xh for some reason. Sounds like a real peach! This is eye opening with me bc my mil has never really liked me all that much. Now that my H no longer speaks to her she is clinging to me. Our relationship is better now, but your story about her turning on you reminds me that blood is thicker that water always for these people and to not be surprised if she does turn on me.

I felt that shame and embarrassment too. For a long time. I’ve probably over shared my story though. If my H ever did return people might think I’m crazy. And I might be if I did lol. But maybe that 99 year old billionaire of yours has a third brother?

Glad you are at acceptance. That is my goal too—well everyone’s I imagine. I’m sure it is a much more peaceful place to be.0
Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Offline Savoir FaireTopic starter

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Re: Life is like a box of chocolates
« Reply #19 on: April 06, 2018, 06:47:54 PM »
Thanks Chokie and KIT, I am putting in an order for three 99 year old men, no family, many millions $ and a very bad heart condition - sound okay?

KIT, I think my MIL would have kept in touch if I had been the one to extend the hand of friendship.  She never used to phone us when we were married, she expects her children to get in touch with her because she is "the mother" and it is our 'job' to phone her, not the other way around.  This was always a problem with her, she thinks she is super important.  She's sent a couple of texts to me since H left but after the last one, I stopped contacting as she just seems to be interested in gossip and not have any interest in me as a person.  She's met the OW so the whole conversation would be about OW and I don't want any details about the relationship at all.

I knew I would never be able to trust MIL, she phoned her solicitor the day H left me to ask if I could claim any inheritance - a peach she is not >:(  Her solicitor told me what she'd asked, as I was using him for the financials at the time.

She turns on people in a very nasty way - very like her son.

"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline OffRoad

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Re: Life is like a box of chocolates
« Reply #20 on: April 06, 2018, 07:28:26 PM »
Thanks Chokie and KIT, I am putting in an order for three 99 year old men, no family, many millions $ and a very bad heart condition - sound okay?
Five 99 year old men , please. I'd like mine with a good sense of humor.😆

When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Online Chookie

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Re: Life is like a box of chocolates
« Reply #21 on: April 07, 2018, 04:28:22 AM »
Ok, I reckon we just order 10x 99 year old ultra-rich guys, just to be sure we don't have to share. We don't want to tire them too much, lol.  ;D
BD 29 Nov '13
Left home 8 June '14
Does not live with OW

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: Life is like a box of chocolates
« Reply #22 on: April 10, 2018, 09:54:57 AM »
Attaching, SF.
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9907.0#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline Savoir FaireTopic starter

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Re: Life is like a box of chocolates
« Reply #23 on: April 12, 2018, 03:10:27 AM »
Ok, 10 old rich guys it is :)  I'll let you know when the order is filled.

I still haven't heard from xH, as he was supposed to reply to a letter I sent to him via his solicitor. My solicitor is on the phone again, chasing me, so I will have to pursue this.  He is an infuriating man, but this time I don't feel he is trying to annoy me as much as his muddled mind can't make the right connections to decide what to do with our property.

I will send another letter tomorrow and see whee that leads :-\ :-X :-\ :-X :-\ :-X

It is amazing that after almost five years of this 'trying to work out the financials' stuff, that he is still unable to make a decision to save his own life.  I've never questioned if this is MLC or  not, it's been obvious.  I also feel this is the last connection to me and he just can't bring himself to end it.  He's a scared little boy.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Whyus

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Re: Life is like a box of chocolates
« Reply #24 on: April 12, 2018, 03:24:59 AM »
I also feel this is the last connection to me and he just can't bring himself to end it. 

You may just be onto something there SF  ::)
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 44
W: 44
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28. Trainings partner. Still together
2 Sons - 18 & 19
2 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Filed
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0
T10. http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9547.0

Online Chookie

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Re: Life is like a box of chocolates
« Reply #25 on: April 12, 2018, 05:28:07 AM »
Haha, thanks, Savy! I look forward to the delivery, lol.  ;D

I also feel this is the last connection to me and he just can't bring himself to end it. 

You may just be onto something there SF  ::)

Ditto.. 👍🏼
BD 29 Nov '13
Left home 8 June '14
Does not live with OW

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Life is like a box of chocolates
« Reply #26 on: April 13, 2018, 04:57:09 AM »
Oh yeah... That one last final string that they just can't bring themselves to cut.....  ::)  Despite wanting NOTHING to do with us
Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer is initiating D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline 31andcounting

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Re: Life is like a box of chocolates
« Reply #27 on: April 13, 2018, 11:14:58 AM »
Lost you for a little while SF~

jumping on board!!  I imagine you are right, H is muddled and just can't get himself to do it..  so no response to your letter and request!  so frustrating!

Love the sharing and the "beginning to look available" on you  ;)
Interested to see where this may go??!!

I read in my church bulletin that Easter and the Resurrection is all about
"New Beginnings" , obviously this will show true for you!!     

I for one am excited for you!
(hugs)
31
Hurting people hurt people :(

Offline Savoir FaireTopic starter

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Re: Life is like a box of chocolates
« Reply #28 on: April 18, 2018, 11:31:17 PM »
Thanks Whyus, Chookie, Ursa and welcome back 31!!

Still no answer from xH - so annoying >:(  I will send another letter to his solicitor tomorrow.  I sent a letter to him a few days ago and the solicitor sent a reply that he had left the law firm and I should send my letter to another solicitor - a female.  I had a little giggle about the possibility the solicitor left because of xh and his madness ;D

It could be interesting because xH's solicitor seemed very much like a MLCer, was super aggressive too, just like xH.. Possibly having a female handling things will calm xH down a bit. One can only hope ::)

I felt like responding to xh's former solicitor wishing him well with his new firm and suggesting he tone things down a bit if he wanted the union to last, but obviously did not do that ;D  Nice thought though!

The more xh drags his feet, the more it costs him having his solicitor respond on my behalf, so he had better decide to do something fast ;)  He only has to choose an agent to handle the property sale, it isn't rocket science!

I have been reflecting again ::) and feeling a gnawing sadness at xH having thrown away 30 years of marriage that was mostly good. Our family is so fractured, the kids all living separately and S21 with me and very little communication between anyone, including xH who took them away from me in the first place.

It's so hard to decide for a LBS what to do.  There only seems to be two choices - wait or move on.  I was thinking I don't have to make such a black and white choice but the alternative is to stay in limbo and I also hate that choice, so I feel very stuck.

My heart tells me that if I wait long enough the chance of xH wanting to come back is high, so I have this in the back of my mind at all times - just hold on and it will be alright. The trouble with that is I don't know how long that will be and I feel my life rushing by with no real  knowing if it really is going to be ok with xH again.

If I decide to move on to another relationship, I will give myself 100% to the new man, as it would be horribly unfair not to do so, I have this feeling that I find someone else and xH wants to return and I feel deep sadness at not having waited ARGGGHHHHHH, and a deep sadness that I waited too long if he never wants to return.  It's such a roller-coaster of emotion and I need a crystal ball to see clearly.  If only I had the answer.

All LBS's have the same problem with the decision but it doesn't help knowing this.

We have a new season of Bachelor in Paradise showing at the moment - I used to hate these shows, Bachelor, Paradise and Married at First Sight were programs I would steer clear of. These days, I am all in - so invested in the outcome, watching their every move, each interaction, every sloppy kiss and love declaration.  It's almost like I am watching a 'how to'  relationships tutorial.  I pick each episode apart and know exactly what 'not to do'  now ;D

I am such a hopeless romantic and yearn for a man who is totally invested in 'us'.  I daydream about it, have fantasies about what it would be like - so MLCerish of me ;D  Not sure if it's sad or cute to be feeling like this.  I am not lonely, but alone and I  don't want to be.......

I want my life back like it used to be with some improvements.  Why is this so much to ask?  I am tired of the roller-coaster but not tired enough to get off the stupid thing.

I don't expect anyone has the answers, just hope that one day things are very different.  I keep thinking of visiting my grandchildren (when they arrive) by myself and having the gut wrenching pain surface every time I see H play with them and we are not together.  The pain never really goes away.  I hope the MLCers feel the same.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Silver

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Re: Life is like a box of chocolates
« Reply #29 on: April 18, 2018, 11:52:32 PM »
Such a good self-reflecion Savvy, a lot of what I have tried to do as well (we all are aren't we?) and for me, even my D is only 4 months behind, a decision seems to be that I won't wait for her. I will move on and open the doors and let the wind come and go, see if it brings something or not. Not necessarily a new love to my life but it already brought good people to it, new friends. I am not done standing in a way that I had decided I won't NEVER get XW back IF she asked to one day and IF she was ready to honest self-reflection and apologizes herself. I will see how my life is at that point and then decide what I want to do. So it could be one day or never.

Then, if there already is someone special in my life, a person I love and want to share my life with, it is just simply that XW is late at that moment and that's not up to me anymore. I know this sounds too simple, it never is, but for me a thought about just waiting for her and wasting every opportunity bc of it, is too much. I am turning 45, I feel I am at very good age, kids are not babies (though small) anymore so the most wearing years may be behind already what comes to them (a big maybe of course). I am and will support standing but I am not cabable or willing to think I would wait for years the opportunity IF she wants to come back and even if she would, would it be possible to rebuild everything - what I have read here, reconciliation is very tough and difficult journey itself. There are no guarantees it works as we know.
So standing for me is not waiting passively but letting my life to flow and see what happens, not closing out a chance for reconciliation either.

What IS my goal in any case is that I could have civil, polite, even warm relations with her one day, I am not even close out a chance to be friends - I won't get rid of her as long as we are alive and have underaged kids together.

Sorry Savvy, I don't want to hijack or talk about me in your thread but your thoughts were food for thought really for me as well, thank you for that  :)


Still no answer from xH - so annoying >:(  I will send another letter to his solicitor tomorrow.  I sent a letter to him a few days ago and the solicitor sent a reply that he had left the law firm and I should send my letter to another solicitor - a female.  I had a little giggle about the possibility the solicitor left because of xh and his madness ;D

Truth probably is that he is on long sick leave  ;D

It could be interesting because xH's solicitor seemed very much like a MLCer, was super aggressive too, just like xH.. Possibly having a female handling things will calm xH down a bit. One can only hope ::)

Unles he fells in "love" with her as well



"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline Savoir FaireTopic starter

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Re: Life is like a box of chocolates
« Reply #30 on: April 19, 2018, 04:20:18 AM »
I was thinking xH could fall in love with her too Silver ;D

Let's hope she is a normal, grounded woman who knows who she is.

The MLCer is never looking for someone better than us, they are searching for someone worse than themselves.  I think that's something we really should remember.

it never had anything to do with us.  Thank goodness, I would hate to be responsible, even in part, for such a traumatic crisis.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Online Treasur

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Re: Life is like a box of chocolates
« Reply #31 on: April 19, 2018, 08:51:12 AM »
STBXH'S L is female - he has admitted he lies to her but she seems to have drunk his 'kool-aid' and believes I am a terrible mean W....

Thank you for being so honest, Savvy, about relationships. I think part of the reason I'm not standing but also not searching is that this experience has changed how I feel about love, to be honest, well my capacity to love in the way I'd want to that would give me the kind of close relationship I'd want. Companionship is fine. Sex would be great. Laughter lovely...but real love might be too big for me to do again.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18

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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Anjae

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Re: Life is like a box of chocolates
« Reply #32 on: April 19, 2018, 07:52:40 PM »
I am such a hopeless romantic and yearn for a man who is totally invested in 'us'.  I daydream about it, have fantasies about what it would be like - so MLCerish of me ;D  Not sure if it's sad or cute to be feeling like this.

Cute, dreamy and means you have not lost hope nor been defeated by MLC darkness.

Not certain a lawyer leaves a firm because of a client. More the client would be left. Mr J is on lawyer number 3. Firts one left the firm because she went to work in another country. No idea why number two had enough of him. Think number three still exists,
she is from another firm. He also has the new firm owner, but the owner can't be bothered with small stuff like divorces.

All Mr J's lawyer were female. Mine is male.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Savoir FaireTopic starter

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Re: Life is like a box of chocolates
« Reply #33 on: April 19, 2018, 08:31:32 PM »
STBXH'S L is female - he has admitted he lies to her but she seems to have drunk his 'kool-aid' and believes I am a terrible mean W....

Thank you for being so honest, Savvy, about relationships. I think part of the reason I'm not standing but also not searching is that this experience has changed how I feel about love, to be honest, well my capacity to love in the way I'd want to that would give me the kind of close relationship I'd want. Companionship is fine. Sex would be great. Laughter lovely...but real love might be too big for me to do again.

Treasur, I am not surprised he lies to his lawyer, mine told his I was an alcoholic with an addiction to gambling and online spending.  They must have been looking silly when it was proven none of these were correct :o

I am such a hopeless romantic and yearn for a man who is totally invested in 'us'.  I daydream about it, have fantasies about what it would be like - so MLCerish of me ;D  Not sure if it's sad or cute to be feeling like this.

Cute, dreamy and means you have not lost hope nor been defeated by MLC darkness.

Not certain a lawyer leaves a firm because of a client. More the client would be left. Mr J is on lawyer number 3. Firts one left the firm because she went to work in another country. No idea why number two had enough of him. Think number three still exists,
she is from another firm. He also has the new firm owner, but the owner can't be bothered with small stuff like divorces.

All Mr J's lawyer were female. Mine is male.

I know H's lawyer didn't lave due to H Anjae, they were like two peas in a pod - H probably misses him terribly ;D They must have had nasty little sessions talking about what a terrible wife I was.  The lawyer looked like he was in MLC as well, so it was a mess.

My lawyer is a woman, I chose her because she was smart and calm.  In the end, it's ALL about money to them unfortunately.

I certainly haven't been defeated by MLC madness Anjae.  I still believe in love and know I will love again, deeper next  time  and with more passion.  I intend to put everything into making the next marriage a good one. It may be xh and may be another man, either way they have my 100% commitment to living a wonderful life together.

Another letter off to xH's lawyer.  Let's see if he responds this time.  At least he never disappoints with his insanity.  I expect it and get it ;D

"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Anjae

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Re: Life is like a box of chocolates
« Reply #34 on: April 19, 2018, 08:49:08 PM »
I certainly haven't been defeated by MLC madness Anjae.  I still believe in love and know I will love again, deeper next  time  and with more passion.

 :) I know you will. I think for me it may be a little different. Lighter and with less passion. With Mr J things were very passionate on all levels.

Another letter off to xH's lawyer.  Let's see if he responds this time.  At least he never disappoints with his insanity.  I expect it and get it ;D

I never sent letters to Mr J's lawyer, nor has he to mine.

It will be the lawyers sending the letters. Normally to each others, aside from the first one from Mr J's original lawyer sent to me (he had no idea I already had a lawyer) and one from mine to Mr J.

Ah, those good old times of legal (and otherwise) insanity. Don't think there will be any more of it for me. It has all been very, very quiet for nearly 4 years. Can't say I dislike it.  :)
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Savoir FaireTopic starter

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Re: Life is like a box of chocolates
« Reply #35 on: April 19, 2018, 09:28:40 PM »
I do understand xH's reluctance to sell our property, we purchased it at the time of S25's birth and it was a place we both loved and meant a lot to our family. 

All it represents to me now if the place he cheated on me and treated me with such anger and disrespect.

I will be glad when it's over, but for him it also probably means the end of any attachment to me as well.

He may be on holiday with the OW, his bank statements show he has been absent from work on some type of leave for about nine months in the past three years since leaving me.  He doesn't have any leave left and may have to now work full time.  He was either asked to shorten his hours due to his madness or he requested leave.  It does show me he isn't mentally well and having to go back to work may be causing his head to explode. He rarely took a day of sick leave prior to BD, since then he's rarely been at work.

"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline 31andcounting

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Re: Life is like a box of chocolates
« Reply #36 on: April 20, 2018, 05:22:26 AM »
((hugs))  SF~

I felt the grief pouring out of your post, I am so glad you wrote it all out as now you can move on ! 

I don't necessarily mean start a new relationship although if that happened I feel it sounds like you are ready!  You love love and that is wonderful!!

One day at a time, don't allow your mind to put yourself into a deeply committed life.  Just allow life to come in a bit!

You are right all this has been terribly sad for you, your kids and your "one day ex maybe" H!  But I know that it won't be sad forever!  You have so much love and compassion within you will be happy again I am sure!

My guess on the lawyer is he was asked to leave the firm!

(hugs)
31 
Hurting people hurt people :(

Offline The lighthouse

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Re: Life is like a box of chocolates
« Reply #37 on: April 21, 2018, 07:17:15 PM »


It's so hard to decide for a LBS what to do.  There only seems to be two choices - wait or move on.  I was thinking I don't have to make such a black and white choice but the alternative is to stay in limbo and I also hate that choice, so I feel very stuck.


Me too SF.  Me too.


If I decide to move on to another relationship, I will give myself 100% to the new man, as it would be horribly unfair not to do so, I have this feeling that I find someone else and xH wants to return and I feel deep sadness at not having waited ARGGGHHHHHH, and a deep sadness that I waited too long if he never wants to return.  It's such a roller-coaster of emotion and I need a crystal ball to see clearly.  If only I had the answer.


I too would give myself 100% if/when I move on.  As for feeling sadness if our H's ever wanted to return, yes, I think there would be a tinge of sadness at not having waited longer and what might have been, but if we were happy and settled in a new relationship I think that sadness would only be fleeting.  Our H's would be the ones feeling the pain and regret then SF. 


One day at a time, don't allow your mind to put yourself into a deeply committed life.  Just allow life to come in a bit!


Another one of your little gems 31.  I like this.  A lot!   :)
M 1992
BD June 2011
Still with OW - No legal action

I am the lighthouse. I don't go out into the storm after the ship.  The ship finds me.

Offline OffRoad

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Re: Life is like a box of chocolates
« Reply #38 on: April 22, 2018, 12:08:54 AM »
I understand how you feel, SF. Part of me is infinitely happy with my life as it is, but I would very much like to find some one to share it with. I have determined that I will wait and see what the Universe sends me. If I am meant to have someone else, I just have to keep my eyes open for that opportunity. And if not, I'll still be OK, just a little melancholy at times.

I think we just need to know that things will be alright with US moving forward, whether with the H we once had, or with someone new, or just by ourselves. And watching some guilty pleasures isn't going to kill us along the way.  ;D

When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Online Chookie

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Re: Life is like a box of chocolates
« Reply #39 on: April 22, 2018, 01:10:44 AM »
I do understand xH's reluctance to sell our property, we purchased it at the time of S25's birth and it was a place we both loved and meant a lot to our family. 


I get his reluctance too, Savy. He must have strong feelings about the property. I know my H struggled with the thought of selling our place two years ago.

I will be glad when it's over, but for him it also probably means the end of any attachment to me as well.


I've just asked a question about this on my thread. You and your H D'd first and are now possibly selling your house, while H and I sold first and he is now pursuing his D but I'm now at the place where I believe for H, D means an end to any sort of attachment to me and he thinks that's going to make a difference. Like you, I know I'll also feel better when it's all finalised.

Thinking of you..  :)
« Last Edit: April 22, 2018, 01:14:33 AM by Chookie »
BD 29 Nov '13
Left home 8 June '14
Does not live with OW

Offline Milly

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Re: Life is like a box of chocolates
« Reply #40 on: April 22, 2018, 04:55:34 AM »
Savvy, I also struggle with the two options, wait or move on, but what if he came back when I was with someone new? I don't know the answer to that, therefore I'm in this kind of limbo as you described it, and don't like it either. Yet again, I haven't met anyone I like.

Your H not wanting to sell the family home is weird to me. I mean, weird if he's truly moved on. I wouldn't care about any attachments to my previous life if I had abandoned it. I believe that shows that deep down he has some link to you guys.

Having said that, I had to sell the family home, which I was reluctant to do, and it has been a really great move for me. It has liberated me. It has given me an opportunity at a 'new life.' I'm not divorced yet, he's delaying it, but I'm at a point that I'm thinking that cutting this last string will liberate me even further.

To go back to if you find someone new. I believe that if you meet the right man, the answer will come to you naturally.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D23, D20, S13
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline Anjae

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Re: Life is like a box of chocolates
« Reply #41 on: April 22, 2018, 06:05:18 PM »
I am going with the flow/universe. If someone new turns up, wordeful.

As for what would happen if there was someone new in my life and Mr J decided back, I am would not leave someone I like, who likes me, for Mr J.

If, for any reason, said person and I broke, and Mr J happened to want back. Who knows? Even if I am single I don't know if I will give him another chance.

I can't really think of any reason for it. But, again, who knows how things are going to play out.

MLCers often haven't really moved on. In fact, many pretty much only want to move on so much. They would love nothing else than to have the LBS there for them when Replay (or the MLC) is over.

Not wanting to sell the family home may still be a way of your husband to fell he is still connected.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Savoir FaireTopic starter

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Re: Life is like a box of chocolates
« Reply #42 on: April 24, 2018, 04:58:56 PM »
Thanks for your lovely replies, I love you all to bits and most of you I have never met - bizarre isn't it?

Very quiet day here for ANZAC day, lots of memories of my father who served in WWII, was in Borneo and saw some terrible things, died at the age of 47 from his complications of war, I was 12 at the time.  My Uncle (Dad's brother) went down on the ship 'Sydney', and my Grandfather literally died of a broken heart when he heard of his Son's death :'(

My brother is going to the cemetery to place flowers on Dad's grave.  Dad's  been gone for over 40 years but the pain never goes.  It's so similar to the pain of BD for me, I would do anything to have my Father back and it's a lot like that with xH too.  When good men are gone, we hope for their return.  No hope for my father but with xH I hope it's a different story.


My guess on the lawyer is he was asked to leave the firm!

I thought the same thing 31, he was so incredibly aggressive in his letters to me, most law firms wouldn't have put up with his level of nasty.




One day at a time, don't allow your mind to put yourself into a deeply committed life.  Just allow life to come in a bit!


Another one of your little gems 31.  I like this.  A lot!   :)

Me too Light, 31 always has something wise to say.

I think we just need to know that things will be alright with US moving forward, whether with the H we once had, or with someone new, or just by ourselves. And watching some guilty pleasures isn't going to kill us along the way.  ;D

I hope you are right about that one OR!  Guilty pleasures don't seem to help the MLCers as much, do they?   ;)

Reflecting on the length of this crisis and my options, I keep thinking it would be sad if I decided to move on with someone else and although I am feeling in need of companionship, at this time I am not ready to give up on xH quite yet and will stand a bit longer until I am either sick of standing of sick of xH's antics  ::)

When I woke this morning, I looked at the empty pillow beside me and remembered the days when I would wake to a sleeping H and feel so much love and pride at him being my H and the wonderful sense of security I felt when in a 'safe' relationship.  Turns out my sense of safety was not going to last as long as I hoped.

I miss not planning for our future and am quite ok with allowing myself to feel the sadness of what might have been.  I'm sure tomorrow will be a little less melancholy but for today, I am fine with sad.

"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Life is like a box of chocolates
« Reply #43 on: April 24, 2018, 06:17:17 PM »
SF - you were so young when you lost your dad.   :'(     

I lost my father when I was 28.  It was a homicide.    He was a wonderful father.  He knew my MLCer and always liked him so much.   I always thought how happy my Dad would have been to see us together and enjoying life so much.  In a way I'm glad my father wasn't here to see the intense hurt and devastation I had thrust upon me.   

After my MLCer married the OW I pretty much gave up hope that the good man he was would ever return, but I'll hope for you as long as you need it! 
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline No expectations

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Re: Life is like a box of chocolates
« Reply #44 on: April 24, 2018, 06:33:48 PM »
Hi Savvy,

Just getting caught up on your thread, I've been buried with stuff, getting Mom ready for her surgery.

I just wanted to add my thoughts:
Quote
It's so hard to decide for a LBS what to do.  There only seems to be two choices - wait or move on.  I was thinking I don't have to make such a black and white choice but the alternative is to stay in limbo and I also hate that choice, so I feel very stuck.

There really is a third choice, my friend.  It is for us to move on for US.  Not looking for another relationship, not wanting someone to move forward with.  As much as I feel that my H is really starting to reconnect with me, I also know that if he wasn't, I would be fine.  Not wanting to find another person to be with.  I frankly don't have time or desire to date, my life is too full.  And I realize how strange it is for me, with reconnection happening, to say I wouldn't want someone else.  But if things were to take another turn down MLC world, I know I would not want to fill my life with anyone.  I would want to take this time to continue pursuing ME.  Rediscovering ME.  I really had a blast going to New Orleans alone.  I would love to travel more.  Go to Cuba, South America.  Hoping to make it to Toronto for the meetup in June. 

Savvy, you are a smart, strong, loving woman.  Please remember that you don't have just the two options.  YOU are the third, no, the BEST option, my friend. 
Married 10 1/2 years, together 17.  BD 9/2016, 2nd BD 10/16.  H moved out 10/16.  2 AS's from my first M.  Me 55, H 49.  OW 23.

"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through; how you managed to survive.  You won't even be sure if the storm is really over.  But one thing is certain; when you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person that walked in...that's what this storm is all about."

"The trick is to enjoy life.  Don't wish away your days, waiting for better ones."

Offline Savoir FaireTopic starter

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Re: Life is like a box of chocolates
« Reply #45 on: April 25, 2018, 08:45:06 PM »
Thanks SF, so sorry about your father, must have been horrible to lose your him like that :'(  I know the shock of a sudden death, as my father droopped dead of a heart attack and it took a couple of years to come out of the shock - bit like  the shock of the MLC BD.

Thanks Noex, I am sitting on my decision as for now and taking your advice and just letting thigs be rather than trying to push them in either way.

I am feeling VERY angry with H as he STILL hasn't complied with the court orders and hasn't answered my letters to his solicitor.  It must be lunch time at the firm, as I tried to call but no answer >:(  I want them to get into some action on this, I don't have $20,000 to go back to court, not going to happen >:(

A friend of mine thinks he is doing this to punish me and only has hatred as his motivator but I think it's different.  He probably has some hate motivation in his mind but I also think he's totally conflicted about selling and can barely cope.  It's not my problem really, and just need him to person up and get this done.  This is what he wanted, divorce, get rid of me and have his new and shiny life and part of that is to sell our property and end all of this craziness.

I will phone his solicitor again.....Grrrrrrrr..... >:(

"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Savoir FaireTopic starter

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Re: Life is like a box of chocolates
« Reply #46 on: April 26, 2018, 03:31:08 AM »
Update!  I phoned H’s solicitor and H has an appointment on Tuesday. 

I became so angry with his tardiness, I called him and of course he didn’t answer but it did drive him to make the appointment - coward 😡
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Online Chookie

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Re: Life is like a box of chocolates
« Reply #47 on: April 26, 2018, 04:14:02 AM »
Your update is good news, Savy. He is an absolute coward, as they all are. I know you don't want to sell the house either, but having things finalised will be a weight off your shoulders.

Sorry he's still being a tosser and making life hard for you. Interesting that it only took an unanswered phone call to prompt him.  ::)
BD 29 Nov '13
Left home 8 June '14
Does not live with OW

Offline 31andcounting

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Re: Life is like a box of chocolates
« Reply #48 on: April 26, 2018, 05:02:52 AM »
I am glad you pushed him SF with a call.....but I agree with your thought that he is struggling!
Struggling with the finality in all this and simply struggling to do....
MLCers seem to be unable to just do!  Almost like they don't have the energy maybe??  Kind of ironic as they run so fast and so hard at first then they become stagnant!  Oh the agony of it all!

Not worth another $20, 0000 loss but unfortunately it will take going back to court if he doesn't do as he was ordered to do!  ugghh!

(hugs)
31
Hurting people hurt people :(

Offline Milly

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Re: Life is like a box of chocolates
« Reply #49 on: April 26, 2018, 05:15:11 AM »
Savvy, it's such a drag dealing with legal matters and a MLCer. I agree with 31, they don't have the energy to deal with serious stuff, they're too tired, can't understand half of what's written on the documents, can't be bothered to read them in the first place, can't bear to phone to make an appointment, you know, all that normal adult stuff we have to when we grow up.

You might have to treat him like a teenager who needs to revise for his exams. Stay on top of him, remind him of what needs doing, etc. It's not fair but worth doing to avoid going to court. Good luck with this.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D23, D20, S13
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline The lighthouse

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Re: Life is like a box of chocolates
« Reply #50 on: April 26, 2018, 05:21:43 PM »
I think they just lack energy to do anything more than what's necessary for daily survival.  I suppose that's the depression at play.  I agree, you'll just have to keep pushing him until he does what he has to do. 

Good to hear he has an appointment.  Let's hope things start moving from here.
M 1992
BD June 2011
Still with OW - No legal action

I am the lighthouse. I don't go out into the storm after the ship.  The ship finds me.

Offline Savoir FaireTopic starter

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Re: Life is like a box of chocolates
« Reply #51 on: April 26, 2018, 06:02:38 PM »
I hope so too Light, I always have a horrible feeling I am going to get another letter about something I don't want to know about.  He has a knack for stirring the pot about ridiculous things ::)

I'll be waiting......and waiting......and waiting......
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Kanvan

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Re: Life is like a box of chocolates
« Reply #52 on: April 27, 2018, 05:59:12 AM »
Savoir Faire, Hang in there girl you are doing good. It can get exhausting trying to figure out what they will do next. Head up and crown straight,because you are the queen. Following along with your journey.
Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1

You'll search for me inside of everyone you're with and I won't be found." R.H. Sin.

M-48
H-46
S27,S21, S16
Married 12/10/1994
Divorced 4/10/2018
23 years of marriage
BD- June 22, 2017 Moved in with OW-June 24th, 2017
Standing although divorced

Offline serenity

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Re: Life is like a box of chocolates
« Reply #53 on: April 30, 2018, 11:39:42 PM »
Hello dear Savvy,

Just checking in to see how you're doing?

Hugs

X

Offline Savoir FaireTopic starter

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Re: Life is like a box of chocolates
« Reply #54 on: May 03, 2018, 01:39:30 AM »
Thanks Kanvan and Serenity, still waiting, waiting..... ::)

Phoned xH's solicitor today and spoke to the paralegal who informed me xh had in fact attended his appointment, so one positive I hope :-X

A letter should  be on its way to let me know about the choice of agent for our property.  I pray he is going to be kind for a very big change but I know what my 'hoping' has done in the past - NOTHING ;D

I was going through the archives and very old posts on the resources board and found this - link below.  A big reminder to me that I KNOW 100% this is MLC and that xh could come out and want to talk to me again. Praying today for this to happen soon, as I am missing him :'( - the old him, the one who never let me down ever.

Best article I have read in a very long time.

http://www.peace.ca/survivalpapers.htm
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline serenity

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Re: Life is like a box of chocolates
« Reply #55 on: May 03, 2018, 02:00:08 AM »
Sorry you’re in a horrid limbo land..

I hope something comes soon and it’s the news you wish for.

Thank you for the link. I’m off to London now but will have a good read tonight when I get home.

Due to my imminent house move I’ve been missing my old H. The dependable one that would have given me a big hug and told me all would be ok.

My D has decided to move from Yorkshire to Cornwall as well so that’s rocked my world. She’s a big support to me and will be even further away once she moves. So I feel very mixed up at the moment with twirling emotions and no one here to say it’s alright and I’ll be fine.

We just seem to get tested over and over through these hardest of times.

Big hugs dear Savvy

X


Offline Savoir FaireTopic starter

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Re: Life is like a box of chocolates
« Reply #56 on: May 04, 2018, 02:58:01 AM »
Sorry your D is moving further away.  I would be devastated if my S even moved out of home, although I know he has to at some stage :'(

I'm telling you you'll be fine Serenity, you always are and you have so much support here, we all love you :-*

I'm also missing my old H.  I wish the aliens would bring him back healed and whole.

I have heard from H today, OMG, OMG, OMG!

He did turn up for hi9s appointment with his solicitor, so I was waiting for reply from the solicitor.

H send this tonight:

Savvy,

Just forwarding a copy of a letter sent to (your solicitor) today.  Not sure if they're still acting for you.

xHusband


He didn't need to send it at all and I felt like a schoolgirl with a giant crush when I received it ::)

I know it's not much but there is no hatred or blame in it and that is huge for me.

Really funny part is, he forgot to attach the letter ;D  Hoping it's not filled with hate and entitlement.  I am not going to tell him I haven't got this right away, using the rule of three and letting it be for the moment due to being on night shift  and my brain is muddled.  I will wait for a clear day to deal with him.  For the moment, I choose to think he was so nervous sending me this that he mucked up.

He's an executive who sends 100's of email a day.  Forgetting the attachment would be something he never does.

I think this song says it all for me today ;D

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wB9YIsKIEbA
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Online Chookie

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Re: Life is like a box of chocolates
« Reply #57 on: May 04, 2018, 03:59:58 AM »
OMG, OMG, OMG!!! WOW!! That's massive news, Savvy! I love that he forgot to attach the actual letter, lol. Foggy brain at it's best, and I reckon you're right, he would have been squirming like a school boy while sending it to you. He didn't need to send it at all..but he did!  Wow!  :o

Love the song, BTW!
« Last Edit: May 04, 2018, 04:01:32 AM by Chookie »
BD 29 Nov '13
Left home 8 June '14
Does not live with OW

Offline 31andcounting

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Re: Life is like a box of chocolates
« Reply #58 on: May 04, 2018, 04:41:33 AM »
Too funny!!

Glad his email was civil and truly sounded like a normal person 😜
( hugs )
31
Hurting people hurt people :(

Offline Savoir FaireTopic starter

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Re: Life is like a box of chocolates
« Reply #59 on: May 07, 2018, 04:37:24 AM »
Thanks Chookie and 31, always lovely to hear from you.

Had a response from H's lawyer today which took me from feeling hopeful to diving deep into despair unfortunately.

The lawyers have a way of writing a letter to dash all your hopes, I wonder if they get schooled in how to completely destroy another persons' hopes?

I am now representing myself and felt like phoning H's lawyer and telling him exactly what I thought of his stupid letter.

The letter keeps banging on about how H is such a good person because he has complied with the court orders (not) and how I haven't >:(  He bangs on for three paragraphs about that >:( Listing every tiny, tiny thing he sees as non-compliance :-\

All I had asked for was an advocate to choose the agent and they say this is in contravention of the orders which it false because it states this in the orders that we can "choose an agent or advocate we agree on"

H has also gone to an accountant to get a quote on how much capital gains tax we have to pay upon sale of the property and attached the account for 50% payment from me, when he could have gotten the amount from the Taxation Department for free >:(  Any lawyers out there abut this one?

I feel the letter is a lot of 'legal speak' but xH has still asked it to be sent, so it's still his letter and I am disappointed he still feels so firetrucking entitled to send this trash to me.  The one thing I would like is to receive something from him or a legal representative which has some kindness to it.  I am so starved of this from him, as I've had almost five years of total hate and it wears me down.  I have felt more down today than almost any other time during the years, and wonder why this new teary sadness has punched me so hard when I have been through worse times than this. possibly, due to having some crazy belief he is getting better, it hits harder when I am proved wrong.

I feel stupid for caring about him and believing he can come through this and love me again.

He did sent me a further email this morning:

Savvy,

Just resending in case my email forwarded from my phone to you on Friday wasn’t successful.

H.

He sent me not only all the stuff the lawyer did, but all the lawyers correspondence between offices which was meant only from him ;D

There was nothing interesting in it just "we attach this and that stuff, but it was interesting he shared it all with me. It's so odd, like he's trying to apologize for sending it at all.  I do think he's feeling the guilt, but still also feeling entitled and has an inner battle about being so nasty, so sends me snippets to say sorry.

I'm sure I will be feeling better tomorrow but for now I allow myself to feel disappointment.




"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Life is like a box of chocolates
« Reply #60 on: May 07, 2018, 04:42:23 AM »
That may very well be true that he is feeling a bit of the guilt but, in the grand plan, it doesn't matter.

If a lawyer were to receive such a note, they'd probably be inclined to refute each claim by quoting the relevant citations from the agreement/decree but that is why they charge for the air that gets breathed int heir offices too...

What was the point of the letter anyway except to go on ad nauseum about supposed non-compliance?
Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer is initiating D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline 31andcounting

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Re: Life is like a box of chocolates
« Reply #61 on: May 07, 2018, 04:53:51 AM »
It is not easy to represent yourself SF~  it puts you right in the middle of the legal blarney!    Emotionally, I bet it weakens you!  I understand the costs and money but lawyers are usually "not nice"  so please don't expect something nice from them!
They get paid by the word and number pages a document is!!  Blah, Blah, Blah!

I wish you could step back from it a bit!
(hugs)
31
Hurting people hurt people :(

Offline Savoir FaireTopic starter

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Re: Life is like a box of chocolates
« Reply #62 on: May 07, 2018, 06:12:25 AM »
Yes Ursa, the point of the letter was to list silly non-compliance items.  I have been TRYING to get an answer about some of the items, but as usual H cannot agree on anything he doesn't want, so the circle continues.

I will send one more letter but I have NO faith in our legal system or lawyers as I have been burned at every turn and it cost me a fortune for no result at all. The lawyers lined their pockets, no-one wins in a divorce battle except them. Every letter my lawyer wrote got no response from H, or he just decided to not answer my questions or requests.

31, there really isn't any legal battle left, the court has drawn up the final papers and we just need to sell the property, but H won't agree on an agent for this, so the paperwork goes back and forth.  It is exhausting and I will be very grateful when I can take a break from it all.  90% of it is blah, blah, blab, reminds me of H to a T.   ;D
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline serenity

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Re: Life is like a box of chocolates
« Reply #63 on: May 07, 2018, 07:26:17 AM »
Hello dear Savvy

I’m so sorry that this is all just dragging on and on for you and costing you so much. Just an utter waste of time and your money!

I’m not surprised really though. MLCers seem to drag it all out, making painful and costly as they go! Like you said the only people that benefit are the lawyers!

Sending you a hug

X

Online Treasur

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Re: Life is like a box of chocolates
« Reply #64 on: May 07, 2018, 10:42:00 AM »
Savvy, sorry that this is dragging on. Bit like you - on a lesser scale - my xh is doing (or rather not doing) ridiculous things about the last bits of joint business. It's exhausting because we get to a point where we just want it to end. It's nonsensical because we want to say 'look, xh, you got what you wanted so why can't you just have a decent half hour, do the sensible things and then go away and stop adding mess to my life.'

No advice....just commiseration xxx
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Kanvan

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Re: Life is like a box of chocolates
« Reply #65 on: May 07, 2018, 11:18:15 AM »
Sending hugs Savoir!! I hate that you have to deal with this girl! Chin up, you are the queen regardless!
Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1

You'll search for me inside of everyone you're with and I won't be found." R.H. Sin.

M-48
H-46
S27,S21, S16
Married 12/10/1994
Divorced 4/10/2018
23 years of marriage
BD- June 22, 2017 Moved in with OW-June 24th, 2017
Standing although divorced

Offline Anjae

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Re: Life is like a box of chocolates
« Reply #66 on: May 07, 2018, 06:42:03 PM »
The lawyers have a way of writing a letter to dash all your hopes, I wonder if they get schooled in how to completely destroy another persons' hopes?

They are lawyers for a reason. Take if from someone who thought of being a lawyer.

I am now representing myself and felt like phoning H's lawyer and telling him exactly what I thought of his stupid letter.

Don't. You are up againg a professional. Behave like one. If you got a letter, reply by letter.

The letter keeps banging on about how H is such a good person because he has complied with the court orders (not) and how I haven't >:(  He bangs on for three paragraphs about that >:( Listing every tiny, tiny thing he sees as non-compliance :-\

Lawyers intimidate people and tend to serve their clients. Keep this in mind, Savy. Also, you are, somehow, at a disavantage, your husband has a lawyer, you do not.

When you reply, just list the facts. Husband hasn't complied with court orders X, Z and Y, you complied with all orders (you can list them as well). Emotion is not going to serve you here.

All I had asked for was an advocate to choose the agent and they say this is in contravention of the orders which it false because it states this in the orders that we can "choose an agent or advocate we agree n"

Then send what it is stated. Better, send a copy of said document as part of your reply. You can underline that part.

I feel the letter is a lot of 'legal speak' but xH has still asked it to be sent, so it's still his letter and I am disappointed he still feels so firetrucking entitled to send this trash to me. 

It come from a lawyer, of course it is "legal speak". You are now your own lawyer, being disappointed he still feels so entitled and in need to trash you is irrelevant..

The one thing I would like is to receive something from him or a legal representative which has some kindness to it.

Lawyers don't exactly do kindness. It is not their job.

He sent me not only all the stuff the lawyer did, but all the lawyers correspondence between offices which was meant only from him ;D

Good. There may not be anything relevant there, but now you have it. 

31 is right, lawyers aren't usually nice. Like I said above, it is not their job to be nice or kind. And it is their job to serve their client. And when a lawyers knows the other side has no lawyer, or decided to represent themselves the lawyer will go rough and full force.

For the lawyer, this is one more job, for you it has emotional charge.

Hope it all goes well.

Hugs
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Reinventing

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Re: Life is like a box of chocolates
« Reply #67 on: May 07, 2018, 07:04:24 PM »
SF, your exH is consistent. Remember that money drives him. Personally I think he has to be financially separate from you to move through the tunnel because you represent his mother.

On the practical side of things, I may disagree a bit with Anjae here, which is unusual for me.

What happens if you don't do anything?

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Life is like a box of chocolates
« Reply #68 on: May 07, 2018, 08:02:09 PM »

No advice....just commiseration xxx

From me as well, SF. 
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Online Chookie

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Re: Life is like a box of chocolates
« Reply #69 on: May 08, 2018, 05:20:27 AM »
Sorry that this is still going on, Savvy. I received an email from my solicitor today too..the saga continues!

Chin up, we're here for you. 😊
BD 29 Nov '13
Left home 8 June '14
Does not live with OW

Offline Savoir FaireTopic starter

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Re: Life is like a box of chocolates
« Reply #70 on: May 09, 2018, 08:02:22 PM »
Thanks everyone, this struck me as a certainty:

SF, your exH is consistent. Remember that money drives him. Personally I think he has to be financially separate from you to move through the tunnel because you represent his mother.

Absolutely agree with this reinventing, you know him well ;)

Reinventing asks: What happens if I do nothing? Answer:  xH takes me back to court to get me to do what he wants.  I have to act.

So, I pulled up my big girl panties and phoned my solicitor as the letter has complexities in it they will not take a reply from a mere woman about and I need the big guns for this.  I just have to suck it up and pay more money I don't have :-\

I'm feeling better,  I was allowing the whole situation to get me down and that's not me anymore. I needed to give myself a good slap.   Job doe ;D ;D
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline 31andcounting

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Re: Life is like a box of chocolates
« Reply #71 on: May 11, 2018, 04:45:33 AM »
Good for you SF!
it takes a strong person to realize "they need a little help!"

(hugs)
31
Hurting people hurt people :(

Offline heroIam

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Re: Life is like a box of chocolates
« Reply #72 on: May 11, 2018, 07:06:52 AM »
Thanks everyone, this struck me as a certainty:

SF, your exH is consistent. Remember that money drives him. Personally I think he has to be financially separate from you to move through the tunnel because you represent his mother.

Absolutely agree with this reinventing, you know him well ;)

Reinventing asks: What happens if I do nothing? Answer:  xH takes me back to court to get me to do what he wants.  I have to act.

So, I pulled up my big girl panties and phoned my solicitor as the letter has complexities in it they will not take a reply from a mere woman about and I need the big guns for this.  I just have to suck it up and pay more money I don't have :-\

I'm feeling better,  I was allowing the whole situation to get me down and that's not me anymore. I needed to give myself a good slap.   Job doe ;D ;D


SF,
Sorry about having to pay more money. 
But don't be hard on yourself.......going up and down the rabbit hole is quite normal.  I do it all the time!  lol ::)
I very much agree with Re-inventing's statement.  I believe money drives my H as well.  As in my case, aka: limbo.
Enjoy your weekend.
“In the end, you’ve got to be your own hero because everyone’s busy trying to save themselves.”

Offline Anjae

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Re: Life is like a box of chocolates
« Reply #73 on: May 11, 2018, 05:06:24 PM »
Glad to know you talked to your solicitor.

Money is Mr. Nithclub middle name.  ::)

We have de facto had separate finances for years. He doesn't give a cent. Can't say it did a think for his moving down the tunnel.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline hopeandfaith

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Re: Life is like a box of chocolates
« Reply #74 on: May 11, 2018, 05:09:23 PM »

I'm feeling better,  I was allowing the whole situation to get me down and that's not me anymore. I needed to give myself a good slap.   Job doe ;D ;D

Sounds like the slap you gave yourself was more of a 'giddy-up' slap on the a$$ type of slap ;D.  Ride on!!
BD's in May 09, Sept 12 - suspected OW
Left home Jan 12 2013
OW confirmed Feb 2013
Moved home April 11 2014
BD again in April 2017 - clinging. 
Moved out July 2017
D18, D16 and S14

Offline Kanvan

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Re: Life is like a box of chocolates
« Reply #75 on: May 11, 2018, 05:19:54 PM »
Go SF go! You got this girl!
Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1

You'll search for me inside of everyone you're with and I won't be found." R.H. Sin.

M-48
H-46
S27,S21, S16
Married 12/10/1994
Divorced 4/10/2018
23 years of marriage
BD- June 22, 2017 Moved in with OW-June 24th, 2017
Standing although divorced

Offline The lighthouse

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Re: Life is like a box of chocolates
« Reply #76 on: May 16, 2018, 09:29:24 PM »
Just catching up SF and sending my support.  You go girl!
M 1992
BD June 2011
Still with OW - No legal action

I am the lighthouse. I don't go out into the storm after the ship.  The ship finds me.

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Life is like a box of chocolates
« Reply #77 on: May 16, 2018, 10:07:47 PM »
Nice work Savvy! It’s hard to do things outside of our comfort zone. And knowing we are potentially rocking the boat and invoking monster. You are awesome.
Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Offline Savoir FaireTopic starter

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Re: Life is like a box of chocolates
« Reply #78 on: May 17, 2018, 03:40:49 AM »
Thanks for stopping in everyone, makes this journey so much happier for me :)

A letter from xH's lawyer was just full of legal speak, asking me to comply with 'orders' which I am trying to do if he would stop interrupting with his silly letters ::)

I have provided all the information for the property sale, and a new letter from my lawyer is being sent tomorrow, so we will see what happens with xh after he receives it ::)  He always argues and has NEVER once just decided to go ahead with what I suggest which is annoying to say the least.

It's such a long, slow road and I am looking forward to being completely separated from xH and his financial craziness.  As he said in the last line of his email to me a few weeks ago "let's get his done so I can move on with my life and you with yours".  Somehow I actually believe I am am ready for this step more than he is.  Been feeling really happy the past few days, being grateful for my life with S21 and we are planning to get a puppy when the property sells as a mark of a new life/start to the future completely free of any ties to xH and his money madness.  Any relationship with him at that time will be a decision born out of love and not neediness or co-dependence.  That's the thing he was worried about shortly after BD - me not actually needing him a anymore, I wonder if he remembers?
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Milly

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Re: Life is like a box of chocolates
« Reply #79 on: May 17, 2018, 01:35:22 PM »
Great, positive steps from you, Savvy. Love the idea of a puppy to inaugurate your stress free new life with S21. Wonderful plan!
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D23, D20, S13
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Life is like a box of chocolates
« Reply #80 on: May 17, 2018, 01:39:43 PM »
Oh I guarantee you are more ready to “move on” than H will ever be. He thinks his magical D is going to bring him peace and happiness. And probably thinks it will be an instant fix. Oh boy.

I’m glad you’ve had a happy and peaceful time SF. You deserve it. And a puppy! Wonderful news.
Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Offline Savoir FaireTopic starter

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Re: Life is like a box of chocolates
« Reply #81 on: May 18, 2018, 12:47:40 AM »
Thanks for the replies :)

I don't think there is any 'easy fix' for xH, I bet he is a mess.  Even though I don't see him, I get his lawyers letters and it shows he is delusional and sad with his life.  I picture him as scrooge actually a miserable, lonely old man who loves his money and has no idea what happiness is.

Lawyers letter sent today just asking for him to choose the agent for property sale and return my belongings as per the court orders.

I expect a return letter filled with hate and disgust for me even asking for my stuff and I hope to be surprised but I have never been before >:(

This has been a much worse crisis for me, due to his monster always being present and his love for money and possessions is extremely sick and out of character from the man I was married to a few years ago.

Looking forward to this being over.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Life is like a box of chocolates
« Reply #82 on: May 18, 2018, 12:59:20 AM »
Quote from: Savior Faire
Looking forward to this being over.

I can just imagine...... This is sort of like pulling a tooth in slow motion... the question is whether or not, after the last legal issues are sorted, if it will REALLY be over or if he will find reasons to keep contacting you (you know, that control thing hanging out there)....

It WOULD be nice to have it just be DONE and dusted once he gets his last  wishes...

Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer is initiating D

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