Author Topic: My Story Faith in The Good Wolf  (Read 2363 times)

Offline Whyus

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My Story Re: Faith in The Good Wolf
« Reply #70 on: April 17, 2018, 01:27:13 AM »
Treasur, you know that you are going to be ok, it might still take a while but you have alot of good times ahead and alot of Things to look Forward to.

The D is hard, im right there next to you atm. The A is hard, I still think of them every day although it is getting better. I know that the OM has never met the Kind loving W/M who my W used to be. She was an angel who will one day wake up and think of OM and throw up in her mouth because he really is not the Kind of Person who she would "hang out" with.... I spent over 20 years with her, nobody can take that away from me/us. W can rewrite history all she likes but she knows what we had was real and she will never find that again.

We cannot Forget or Change what has been done but we can try and stay positive to what will be. There is life after D and who knows, maybe our spouces have done us a favour in some Kind of sick way. Nonetheless, we will come out on top and certainly have a more fullfilling life than our MLCers will have Treasur. That I can guarantee, we just have to make the choice to live and not fade away...

One day, some guy is going to be so happy that your H bolted and will sweep you off your feet...
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 44
W: 44
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28. Trainings partner. Still together
2 Sons - 18 & 19
2 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Filed
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0
T10. http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9547.0

Online Schratz66

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Re: Faith in The Good Wolf
« Reply #71 on: April 17, 2018, 05:23:02 AM »
I am envious of your almost summer smell this morning as I am looking to some more snow falling.
Your post about love and not-love touched me and got me thinking.
My love is to unconditionally support the other person and see their good sides and their flaws and love them anyway.
I've never hated anybody in my life - not even my first husband and I had plenty of reason to. Hate just seems such a wasted emotion that just kills me inside, so I never have. There's plenty of people I do not like, but I have never hated anybody.
What puzzles me about my H non-love is the fact that despite him falling in love with OW he could have still been kind and caring towards me and my D and our well being. It is incomprehensible for me to simply cut a person out of your life and your heart within days. Especially somebody that you spend almost 20 years with.

Anyhow - I love all the plans you have made for yourself and like Whyus said, I know there will be a man that will sweep you off your feet because you are such an amazing human being.
Keep walking and keep thinking and keep healing
Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline heroIam

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Re: Faith in The Good Wolf
« Reply #72 on: April 17, 2018, 06:55:20 AM »
Hi Treasur,
What a nice post.
I'd say it is always healthy to love, even those you think don't love you.  Deep down they are having issues with loving themselves. 

Sounds like you have lots of things to look forward to.  Where I live it is difficult to meet new friends.  I have yet to get myself out to some meetups as I would love to make some new friends.
Enjoy the beautiful morning there.  Though it's probably evening there by now.  lol :P
“In the end, you’ve got to be your own hero because everyone’s busy trying to save themselves.”

Online TreasurTopic starter

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Re: Faith in The Good Wolf
« Reply #73 on: April 17, 2018, 08:21:10 AM »
Good news - contracts exchanged on the house (finally) and sale will complete on 27th April.
Not so nice - can't help but cry a little with memories of my father's hands rebuilding the stairs and my husband whistling in the kitchen that he and my father built together.
It's the right thing and it had become an unhappy house for me so I'd never want to live there...but sad too. I get tired sometimes of pulling on my brave girl pants again and again for each loss and challenge, finding ways to tough through things that hurt me. It will be good to not have to do that soon, god willing.

It is frustrating and crazy-making to be accused of 'stalling' his divorce 'because I'm hoping he'll change his mind', and then observe that typical MLC inaction. Especially when it isn't what I've said for over a year, isn't how I've behaved and actually isn't how I feel...sad though it is, his crisis has beaten most of love and respect for him out of me, and I just want it all to end. And then I remember projection...https://thestagesandlessonsofmidlife.org/mid-life-crisis-spouses-use-projection/  ::)
« Last Edit: April 17, 2018, 09:34:58 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online same33

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Re: Faith in The Good Wolf
« Reply #74 on: April 17, 2018, 08:24:13 AM »
Big hugs, Treasur. This process of the house cannot be easy, even if it is ultimately healthy.
M-44
W-41
S12, S9, S7
Married 9/25/2004
13 years of marriage
BD#1- December 22, 2014
BD#2- January 2, 2018
Standing for my marriage

Online TreasurTopic starter

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Re: Faith in The Good Wolf
« Reply #75 on: April 17, 2018, 09:33:49 AM »
Thanks same - it is necessary and it was my choice to sell and my choice to run here to my own little house by the sea with Louis the cat tucked under my arm. My H always liked the house more than me actually and it was always supposed to be a transitional house hence the renovation work...just ended up being a rather different kind of transition  ???

I think I'm just missing my father's voice today and there was so much of him in the house. But, with my normal informed optimism...it gave me and my father months working side-by-side, precious time and conversations when we didn't know he would get cancer and die so quickly. That was a gift from the universe and I'm profoundly grateful for it. I just miss his voice.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online KeepItTogether

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Re: Faith in The Good Wolf
« Reply #76 on: April 17, 2018, 01:58:17 PM »
Change is always tough. But missing our deceased parents, that just never goes away. I’m glad you see his working on the House was a gift. Bc it really was. Being able to see the positives in these dreary situations really speaks volumes about who you are Treasur. 

Not love is an understatement for the Mlcer—it may go as far as self loathing. Some can see it. Others are pretty good at fooling themselves. And yeah, your Mlcer has some serious rage happening. Wonder who he aims that at now......

That love is a verb always gives me pause. It is so true especially in our lbs world. And of course these are the things that we learn as part of the process too. You are really embracing it. I like your list of things to do. Lots of self care in that!
Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Online TreasurTopic starter

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Re: Faith in The Good Wolf
« Reply #77 on: April 17, 2018, 09:26:23 PM »
Walking thoughts

The last couple of years just overwhelmed my natural optimism, but I can feel it swelling up again. A kind of more informed optimism maybe? I read somewhere that lost innocence is the price for wisdom and there's something in that, much as I regret losing some of that innocence.

There's a funny useful function of exhaustion as an LBS isn't there? I know that I've withdrawn from contact in the past not because I'm angry but just tired of the pain and futility of it. Forced detachment led to real detachment over time and then to a day when I just gave up. Not sure when that was or what the last push was, but I think I just got tired of the relentless hamster wheel of it all. Giving up though - on my H, on any resolution to this mess, on trying to make sense of it - is also quite liberating. My last 'fight' was probably about trying to encourage STBXH to just behave with a little more decency and practicality. I hoped that his 'it's my mess and my responsibility' was a shift in him that would at least tidy some things up, but I was wrong. I don't know why rational decency is impossible for him, just that it is.

Getting to a 'I just can't be bothered' point is freeing. More energy to spend on other things. More acceptance that life threw a whole bunch of grenades that did knock me off my feet but also that, while life is understood backwards, it is lived forwards. More acceptance that I want and deserve better. More acceptance that my H made his choices and that, without wishing him ill (other than an appropriate bit of karma bus  ;D ), I don't much care if he likes what he got or not. I'm comfortable that he failed as a husband and human being to find a healthier way to grow and has lost things worth fighting for and abused the love and trust others gave him. I fought, failed but held on to my treasures, spirit and self-respect...which means too that I can still feel grateful for what I had, good about most of who I am and hopeful for what comes next. Unlikely that STBXH could say the same...ending your long M by just refusing to speak to your wife who loves you for months? Ludicrous, costly and shameful. His loss and his choices to live with.

Mourning Dove talked on a recent post about feeling a little spark of something, but she wasn't sure what.
I feel that. My optimism is back. My belief in me is back. My faith in a good universe of good imperfect people is back. My little spark is flickering again....and it's too precious to let life events or a broken man blow it out.  ;)

I do like my sunrise walking thoughts and that first coffee of the day.  :)
Today I might feel something that feels like happy...
« Last Edit: April 17, 2018, 09:58:24 PM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online TreasurTopic starter

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Re: Faith in The Good Wolf
« Reply #78 on: April 17, 2018, 11:54:34 PM »
I think - weirdly - I might have inadvertently tripped over into a spot where I accept that STBXH hates me but I don't care, that the H I knew has been 'killed off' by STBXH, that he's ok with his choices and behaviour, I'm not....and I'm happy anyway.
I have nothing to say and nothing I now want to ask or need to hear from STBXH. Simple to choose NC because it's pointless and a waste of good energy. I'm going to act on the assumption that STBXH wants nothing from me either but to go away. That he has acted as if he values nothing from his old life (bar the weird Gollum-like watch obsession  ::) ) or about me because he doesn't. Much simpler basis for moving forward while keeping my different perspective unpolluted for myself.
I just don't want anyone in my life who doesn't see I'm worth treasuring and enjoying. Simple. No monkey braining needed.
No idea really why he did and now doesn't, but not my responsibility because I didn't stop being 'treasurable'  ;D

Deciding to keep my double-barrelled name (formed of mine & his). Simple because it reflects my path so far.
Deciding not to get married ever again. Simple because it's the only sensible way to not go through divorce again.
Deciding to stay here by the sea for a while longer. Simple because it makes me feel safe and happy.
Deciding that I'm a coach, writer and treasure-finder so that's the focus for my work life next. Simple because that's what pleases me and what I'm unusually good at.
Deciding to keep my rings on my right hand for now. Simple because it's a detached way of honouring something and someone important to me.

I like Simple now.
I wonder if God has dragged me here so it won't hurt as much when I (eventually LOL) get the final divorce notification...or need to buckle up for MLC divorce battle #322  :)
Odd but pleasing spot to have reached finally. Yay for me. Cue lights and music.  ;D
« Last Edit: April 18, 2018, 01:13:21 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline engagewithlove

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Re: Faith in The Good Wolf
« Reply #79 on: April 18, 2018, 12:22:56 AM »
I love your walking thoughts too. They usually hit the spot and get me thinking. I'm a little ways behind you in my journey. It still hurts to realisie that my H wants to erase me from his memories. I'm looking forward to the day that I might feel something that actually feels like happy.
my story:
Married 22.5 yrs at BD,
M 44 yrs, H 48 yrs
D14, S12, S9
BD1 Aug 2016 'not sure I want to be here'
BD2 29 Jan 2017 ilybinilwy
Moved out 3 Mar 2017
Financially separated 5 Sept 2017
House sold Dec 3 2017

 

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